********************************
Army Drab
My husband wore his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base and dressed in olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things.
While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his Mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide. My husband in turn gave the young man a crisp salute. The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced," Look Mom! A Giant Boy Scout!"
********************************
Preacher Joke
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director
to hold a graveside service in a new cemetery for a
derelict man with no family or friends. He had died
while traveling through the area. The funeral was to
be held way back in a new country cemetery.
This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this
new cemetery. As I was not familiar with the backwoods
area, I became lost. Being the typical man, I didn't
stop for directions. But I finally arrived an hour
late.
I saw a crew and a backhoe, but the hearse was nowhere
in sight. The workmen working on the grave were eating
lunch. As I apologized to the workers (who looked
puzzled) for my tardiness, I stepped to the side of
the open grave, to find the vault lid already in
place. I assured the workers I would not hold them
long, but having a prayer service was the proper thing
to do.
As the workers gathered around, still eating their
lunch, I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached
the workers began to say Amen, Praise the Lord and
Glory. I was feeling good that they were enjoying my
sermon. I preached, and I preached, like I'd never
preached before. I began from Genesis and went pretty
much all the way through to Revelation. I preached for
two hours and 45 minutes. It was a long and lengthy
service. I closed in prayer and it was finished. The
workers thanked me as I left the grave.
As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my
duty and I would leave with a renewed sense of purpose
and dedication, in spite of my tardiness. As I was
opening the door to my car and taking off my coat, I
overheard one of the workers saying to another, I've
been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't
never seen anything like that before.
********************************
Who is the richest woman in the
world?
According to the most recent Forbes magazine ranking,
two women currently share the title, and they're
related. Alice Walton (56), daughter of Wal-Mart
founder Sam Walton, is worth roughly 18 billion bucks.
Alice lives in Texas, where she raises horses. Helen
Walton (85), the widow of Sam, is also good for lunch,
with an estimated net worth of $18 billion. She
currently resides in Bentonville, Arkansas, where she
sponsors a preschool.
Liliane Bettencourt (82), the daughter of L'Oréal
founder Eugene Schueller, is the next lady on the
list, with approximately 17.2 billion. She lives in
France, where she awards a science prize every year.
Nine of the world's fifty richest people are women.
The richest self-made woman in the world is Rosalia
Mera (61) of Spain, who is worth approximately $2
billion. She started off making gowns and lingerie in
her home. Her business eventually grew into the
apparel manufacturer Inditex, which sold $6 billion
worth of clothes last year.
And what about Oprah? According to Forbes, the media
mogul is worth around $1.3 billion. Not too shabby,
but still a ways behind the Walton women.
********************************
Well Done
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever
get a compliment."
********************************
FOOTBALL HERO
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The
only
thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan. In
one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim
soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a
15th story
window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the
perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the United States and teaches him the great
game of
football.
And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when
the coach
asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You
deserted us.
You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've
won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of
my adoring
fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment,
there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I
have to
keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never
forgive you for
making us move to Detroit!"
********************************
Preacher Search (Edited)
We do not have a happy report to give, as we have not
been able to find a suitable candidate to hire as the
new preacher of this Church, though we have one
promising prospect. We appreciate all the suggestions
from the Church Members so we've followed up each one
with interviews or calling at least 3 references. The
following is our confidential report on the
candidates:
01)- ADAM: Good man but problems with his wife. Also
one reference told of how he and his wife enjoy
walking nude in the woods.
02)- NOAH: Formerly worked for 120 years with no
converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
03)- ABRAHAM: Though the references reported
wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept
with another man's wife, but did offer to share his
own wife with another man.
04)- JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes
in dream-interpreting and has a prison record.
05)- MOSES: A modest meek man, but poor communicator, stuttering at times. Some times blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier Church over a murder charge.
06)- DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered he had an affair with his neighbor's wife.
07)- SOLOMON: Great preacher but our parsonage would
never hold all those wives.
08)- ELIJAH: Prone to depression - collapses under
pressure.
09)- ELISHA: Reported to have lived with a single
widow while at his former Church.
10)- HOSEA: A tender loving preacher but our people
could never handle his wife's occupation.
12)- JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist,
negative, always lamenting things, and reported to
have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the
bank of a foreign river.
13)- ISAIAH: On the fringe? Claims to have seen
Angels in Church. Has trouble with his language.
14)- JONAH: Refused GOD'S call into ministry until he
was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great
fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the
shore near here. We hung up.
15)- AMOS: Too backward and unpolished. With some
preacher training school studies, he might have
promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people --
might fit in better with a poor congregation.
16)- JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely
doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for
months on end, has weird diet, and provokes leaders of
other churches.
17)- PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper -- even
has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in
Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
18)- PAUL: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating
preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with
young ministers, harsh and has been known to preach
all night.
19)- TIMOTHY: Too young
21)- JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady
plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to
handle money. We're inviting him to preach this
Sunday. Possibilities here.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Sunday, September 04, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 4th
******************************************************
PASSING IT ON: A young preacher was working with a
congregation at which one man, every Sunday, would
have something negative to say. It didn't matter what
the preacher spoke on, this man always criticized it.
One Sunday he said, "That's about the sorriest sermon
I ever heard."
The next Sunday the man came by and said, "Do you call
that a sermon?"
The third Sunday he said, "That is about the nearest
nothing sermon I think I ever heard."
The preacher got so upset that he went to the elders
and said, "Gentlemen, every Sunday this man has some
negative comment to make about my preaching."
One of them said, "Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a half-wit. All he can say is what he
repeats from other people..."
******************************************************
FULL OF HOT AIR: A church, desiring to keep up with
the times, removed the paper towel racks in their
bathrooms and replaced them with electric hand dryers.
The very next week somebody put a little note on one
of the devices that read, "Punch this button for a
brief recorded message from our preacher."
******************************************************
WRONG NUMBER: One Sunday morning the preacher got up
and was looking through the paper, reading the death
notices, and lo and behold, there was his name. He
thought, "I wonder if the elders have seen it?"
He got on the phone and called one of them, and said,
"Have you read the morning paper yet?"
The elder said, "Yes, sir."
The preacher said, "Did you see my name in the death
notices?"
The elder said, "Yes, I did. Where are you calling
from?"
********************************
Seen This?
I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"[Arnold Schwarzenegger and I] both married above ourselves, we both have trouble with the English language, we both have big biceps -- well, two out of three aren't bad." - George W. Bush
********************************
Scout Letter from Camp:
Dear Mom,
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in
case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK.
Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed
away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were
all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it
happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell
her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I
got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It
was neat. We never would have found him in the dark
if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike
alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell
him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't
hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire,
the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't
burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our
clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair
grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets
the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck.
The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb
said that a car that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get
insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He
doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot,
sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets
pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take
turns riding in the trailer until the highway
patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a
good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to
drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain
roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see
up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks
and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb
wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was
afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us
take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You
can still see some of the trees under the water from
the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we
are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what?
We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When
Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see
how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up.
Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food
poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got
sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm
so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said
he sure figured out how to get things done better
while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our
letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything.
We are fine. Love, Cole
********************************
A priest is walking down the street one day when he
notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on
a house across the street. However, the boy is very
small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the
priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps
smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold
ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
The boy replies, "Now we run!"
PASSING IT ON: A young preacher was working with a
congregation at which one man, every Sunday, would
have something negative to say. It didn't matter what
the preacher spoke on, this man always criticized it.
One Sunday he said, "That's about the sorriest sermon
I ever heard."
The next Sunday the man came by and said, "Do you call
that a sermon?"
The third Sunday he said, "That is about the nearest
nothing sermon I think I ever heard."
The preacher got so upset that he went to the elders
and said, "Gentlemen, every Sunday this man has some
negative comment to make about my preaching."
One of them said, "Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a half-wit. All he can say is what he
repeats from other people..."
******************************************************
FULL OF HOT AIR: A church, desiring to keep up with
the times, removed the paper towel racks in their
bathrooms and replaced them with electric hand dryers.
The very next week somebody put a little note on one
of the devices that read, "Punch this button for a
brief recorded message from our preacher."
******************************************************
WRONG NUMBER: One Sunday morning the preacher got up
and was looking through the paper, reading the death
notices, and lo and behold, there was his name. He
thought, "I wonder if the elders have seen it?"
He got on the phone and called one of them, and said,
"Have you read the morning paper yet?"
The elder said, "Yes, sir."
The preacher said, "Did you see my name in the death
notices?"
The elder said, "Yes, I did. Where are you calling
from?"
********************************
Seen This?
I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"[Arnold Schwarzenegger and I] both married above ourselves, we both have trouble with the English language, we both have big biceps -- well, two out of three aren't bad." - George W. Bush
********************************
Scout Letter from Camp:
Dear Mom,
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in
case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK.
Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed
away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were
all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it
happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell
her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I
got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It
was neat. We never would have found him in the dark
if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike
alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell
him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't
hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire,
the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't
burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our
clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair
grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets
the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck.
The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb
said that a car that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get
insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He
doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot,
sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets
pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take
turns riding in the trailer until the highway
patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a
good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to
drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain
roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see
up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks
and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb
wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was
afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us
take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You
can still see some of the trees under the water from
the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we
are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what?
We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When
Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see
how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up.
Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food
poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got
sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm
so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said
he sure figured out how to get things done better
while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our
letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything.
We are fine. Love, Cole
********************************
A priest is walking down the street one day when he
notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on
a house across the street. However, the boy is very
small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the
priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps
smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold
ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
The boy replies, "Now we run!"
Saturday, September 03, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 3rd
********************************
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
********************************
Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100: " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards
or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'"
ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to
pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born,
the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'"
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very
humble, but I think I have the strength of character to
fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance --
waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat
if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
********************************
Updated Punishment
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."
"So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend.
"I send him to our room!"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"My grandfather is hard of hearing, he needs to read lips - I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses those yellow high-lighters." - Brian Kiley
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Insurance Claim
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim.
As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take.
Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
********************************
VAIN PRAYER, BRUTAL HONESTY: The preacher's little
daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head
for a minute before starting his sermon. One day she
asked him why.
"Well, I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good
sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
********************************
f all the people who sleep in church were laid out
end to end, they'd be more comfortable...
******************************************************
BORING... A preacher, known for long and boring
sermons (are there really such preachers???), had been
into a particularly tedious one for nearly an hour,
when he stopped to scold the congregation.
"I know you think my sermons are long, but I've got
something important to impart to you. Now, I don't
mind you looking at your watches while I'm preaching,
but I want you to know that I resent you shaking them
to see if they're still running."
******************************************************
PERCEPTION: A mother and her son, who weren't regular churchgoers, went to visit a new congregation for Sunday morning service. On their way home the mother asked her son what he thought of the service.
"Well, I liked the music, but I thought the commercial
was too long."
******************************************************
ECUMENISM: The Baptist preacher called a construction
company to come and cut a hole in the outside wall of
his office for an air conditioner. He waited, but
they did not come. After a while he got a bill for
the job. He called up to protest.
The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Just a
minute."
After a bit he came back and said, "In the spirit of
ecumenism, we cut a hole in the Catholic Church."
******************************************************
MINORITY: A certain fellow had a habit of going to
sleep in church, which irritated the preacher. One
Sunday, he decided to embarrass him. At the tail end
of his sermon, when the offending parishioner was
sleeping soundly, he asked everybody who thought they
were going to heaven to stand up. Everyone stood up
except the sleeping man. The preacher smiled slyly,
told everyone to be seated, and then in a low voice
said, "Now, everybody who thinks he's going to hell"
-- he paused, and then shouted -- "STAND UP!"
The sleeping man awoke and jumped to his feet. He
looked around and saw that everybody else was seated,
looked at the minister, and said, "I don't know what
we're voting on, preacher, but it appears that you and
me lost."
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
********************************
Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100: " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards
or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'"
ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to
pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born,
the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'"
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very
humble, but I think I have the strength of character to
fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance --
waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat
if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
********************************
Updated Punishment
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."
"So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend.
"I send him to our room!"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"My grandfather is hard of hearing, he needs to read lips - I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses those yellow high-lighters." - Brian Kiley
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Insurance Claim
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim.
As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take.
Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
********************************
VAIN PRAYER, BRUTAL HONESTY: The preacher's little
daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head
for a minute before starting his sermon. One day she
asked him why.
"Well, I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good
sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
********************************
f all the people who sleep in church were laid out
end to end, they'd be more comfortable...
******************************************************
BORING... A preacher, known for long and boring
sermons (are there really such preachers???), had been
into a particularly tedious one for nearly an hour,
when he stopped to scold the congregation.
"I know you think my sermons are long, but I've got
something important to impart to you. Now, I don't
mind you looking at your watches while I'm preaching,
but I want you to know that I resent you shaking them
to see if they're still running."
******************************************************
PERCEPTION: A mother and her son, who weren't regular churchgoers, went to visit a new congregation for Sunday morning service. On their way home the mother asked her son what he thought of the service.
"Well, I liked the music, but I thought the commercial
was too long."
******************************************************
ECUMENISM: The Baptist preacher called a construction
company to come and cut a hole in the outside wall of
his office for an air conditioner. He waited, but
they did not come. After a while he got a bill for
the job. He called up to protest.
The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Just a
minute."
After a bit he came back and said, "In the spirit of
ecumenism, we cut a hole in the Catholic Church."
******************************************************
MINORITY: A certain fellow had a habit of going to
sleep in church, which irritated the preacher. One
Sunday, he decided to embarrass him. At the tail end
of his sermon, when the offending parishioner was
sleeping soundly, he asked everybody who thought they
were going to heaven to stand up. Everyone stood up
except the sleeping man. The preacher smiled slyly,
told everyone to be seated, and then in a low voice
said, "Now, everybody who thinks he's going to hell"
-- he paused, and then shouted -- "STAND UP!"
The sleeping man awoke and jumped to his feet. He
looked around and saw that everybody else was seated,
looked at the minister, and said, "I don't know what
we're voting on, preacher, but it appears that you and
me lost."
Friday, September 02, 2005
hUMOR For Sept 2nd
********************************
Raise Request
Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one
man's pay. Now I want a raise.
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the
other two men are, I'll fire them.
********************************
CHAIN PREACHERS: An elder received a letter that
read, "If you are tired of your preacher, send a copy
of this letter to seven other churches that are
probably tired of their preachers. Then ship your
preacher to the church at the top of the list. Add
the name of your congregation to the bottom. In
thirty days you will receive twenty-one hundred and seventy-eight preachers, and out of this many you ought to be able to choose one to suit you. Warning! One church broke the chain and got their old preacher back..."
********************************
Subject: Fw: Bible Giggles
Here are a few Bible giggles for you.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the
Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of
the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all
in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant
lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always
overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
********************************
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for
lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the
game. The pro showed him the stance and swing and then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
The pro just stood there and stared at the novice. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a
disgusted tone.
********************************
How To Train A Cat
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
********************************
CleanQuote.
"The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam often comes before the lesson."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Identity
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't usually buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
********************************
Golf Cheat
Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a
fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh
anymore. He cheats."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had it in my pocket!"
Raise Request
Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one
man's pay. Now I want a raise.
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the
other two men are, I'll fire them.
********************************
CHAIN PREACHERS: An elder received a letter that
read, "If you are tired of your preacher, send a copy
of this letter to seven other churches that are
probably tired of their preachers. Then ship your
preacher to the church at the top of the list. Add
the name of your congregation to the bottom. In
thirty days you will receive twenty-one hundred and seventy-eight preachers, and out of this many you ought to be able to choose one to suit you. Warning! One church broke the chain and got their old preacher back..."
********************************
Subject: Fw: Bible Giggles
Here are a few Bible giggles for you.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the
Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of
the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all
in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant
lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always
overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
********************************
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for
lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the
game. The pro showed him the stance and swing and then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
The pro just stood there and stared at the novice. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a
disgusted tone.
********************************
How To Train A Cat
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
********************************
CleanQuote.
"The trouble with using experience as a guide is that the final exam often comes before the lesson."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Identity
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't usually buy peat moss," answered the clerk.
********************************
Golf Cheat
Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a
fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh
anymore. He cheats."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had it in my pocket!"
Thursday, September 01, 2005
hUMOR For Sept. 1st
********************************
Bank Name
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something
'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy
was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the
bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your
former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
********************************
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Well, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
********************************
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Well, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - California
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
********************************
REDNECK CHALLENGE (Tongue in cheek...)
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people
are in the South.
I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this
exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane, (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how
many car radiators are required to condense the
product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many [big orange drinks] will be drank before the
trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place a
mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that
well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of
things that big city book-learnin' don't prepare ya
for in this life.
********************************
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything since.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
********************************
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout
at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the
door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling
him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over
and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
Bank Name
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something
'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy
was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the
bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your
former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
********************************
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Well, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
********************************
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Well, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - California
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
********************************
REDNECK CHALLENGE (Tongue in cheek...)
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people
are in the South.
I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this
exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane, (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how
many car radiators are required to condense the
product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many [big orange drinks] will be drank before the
trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place a
mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that
well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of
things that big city book-learnin' don't prepare ya
for in this life.
********************************
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything since.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
********************************
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout
at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the
door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling
him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over
and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
hUMOR For August 31st
********************************
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in
Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along
for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies, and before
long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about,
she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with
the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
mid-strike. A look of terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was
close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey
on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I can never trust him. I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"
********************************
Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, but I am sure it is a good thing!" - Mark Twain
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - The Law
Most of these are certainly outdated. But it's funny to think they ever were laws.
- In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
- In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
- In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.
- To keep any of the incarcerated beasts from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville, NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.
- If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.
- Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.
- Don't bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA unless you have an extra $500 for the offense.
- The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in Hayden, AZ. where disturbing them in the city limits is against the law.
- Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.
- Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!
- In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.
- If any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forwarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!
- It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.
- In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.
- In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry; I don't understand who you are talking about".Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the computer from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
********************************
ONLY IN AMERICA:
Only in America..... do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front.
Only in America...... do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !
Only in America...... do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.
Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America...... do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ..
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite
of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in
Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along
for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies, and before
long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about,
she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with
the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
mid-strike. A look of terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was
close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey
on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I can never trust him. I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"
********************************
Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, but I am sure it is a good thing!" - Mark Twain
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - The Law
Most of these are certainly outdated. But it's funny to think they ever were laws.
- In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
- In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
- In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.
- To keep any of the incarcerated beasts from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville, NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.
- If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.
- Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.
- Don't bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA unless you have an extra $500 for the offense.
- The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in Hayden, AZ. where disturbing them in the city limits is against the law.
- Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.
- Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!
- In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.
- If any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forwarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!
- It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.
- In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.
- In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry; I don't understand who you are talking about".Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the computer from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
********************************
ONLY IN AMERICA:
Only in America..... do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front.
Only in America...... do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !
Only in America...... do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.
Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America...... do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ..
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite
of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
hUMOR For August 30th
********************************
Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Church Drive
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
********************************
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You
could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
********************************
The TRUTH about Barbecuing
Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will
do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following
chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it
on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils
and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, beverage in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and
cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat
is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring
another beverage while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it
to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to
the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does
the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his
cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night
off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes
that there's just no pleasing a woman.
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman
who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he,
being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked,
"But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you
knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Church Drive
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
********************************
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You
could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man. "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
********************************
The TRUTH about Barbecuing
Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will
do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following
chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it
on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils
and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, beverage in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and
cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat
is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring
another beverage while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it
to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to
the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does
the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his
cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night
off. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes
that there's just no pleasing a woman.
********************************
Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman
who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he,
being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked,
"But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you
knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
Monday, August 29, 2005
hUMOR For August 29th
When Your Hut's on Fire....
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a
small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for
God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon
for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he
eventually managed to build a little hut out of
driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to
store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging
for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in
flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the
worst had happened, and everything was lost.
He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He
cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?" Early
the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged
when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose
heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in
the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the
next time your little hut seems to be burning to the
ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the
Grace of God.
P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because
you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire
today.
********************************
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed a little boy staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven- year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" the boy asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
The little boy's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
********************************
My sister-in-law shrieks whenever she sees a bug. She and my brother were out driving one day, and she started screaming, "A bug! a bug!"
Imagining it must be the size of a tarantula, he shouted, "Where?"
"Over there," she said, pointing out the window, "It's the new Volkswagen!"
********************************
An elderly man was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial the man approached the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge replied, "That is true."
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig whatever he wanted with no fear of legal action.
The elderly gent looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
********************************
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
That means that he was a . . .
super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
********************************
You Know You're Going to Need a New Lawyer When...
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
********************************
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
********************************
Apparently the Department of Transportation is going to be laying off most of the workers from road crews.
It seems that someone has invented a shovel that will stand up by itself.
********************************
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"
********************************
An elderly man was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial the man approached the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge replied, "That is true."
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig whatever he wanted with no fear of legal action.
The elderly gent looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
********************************
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a
small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for
God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon
for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he
eventually managed to build a little hut out of
driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to
store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging
for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in
flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the
worst had happened, and everything was lost.
He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He
cried out, "God! How could you do this to me?" Early
the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged
when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose
heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in
the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the
next time your little hut seems to be burning to the
ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the
Grace of God.
P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because
you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire
today.
********************************
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed a little boy staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven- year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" the boy asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
The little boy's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
********************************
My sister-in-law shrieks whenever she sees a bug. She and my brother were out driving one day, and she started screaming, "A bug! a bug!"
Imagining it must be the size of a tarantula, he shouted, "Where?"
"Over there," she said, pointing out the window, "It's the new Volkswagen!"
********************************
An elderly man was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial the man approached the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge replied, "That is true."
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig whatever he wanted with no fear of legal action.
The elderly gent looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
********************************
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
That means that he was a . . .
super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
********************************
You Know You're Going to Need a New Lawyer When...
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
********************************
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
********************************
Apparently the Department of Transportation is going to be laying off most of the workers from road crews.
It seems that someone has invented a shovel that will stand up by itself.
********************************
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"
********************************
An elderly man was sued by his neighbor for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial the man approached the judge, "Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge replied, "That is true."
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig whatever he wanted with no fear of legal action.
The elderly gent looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
********************************
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Sunday, August 28, 2005
hUMOR For August 28th
********************************
From a friend...
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped
up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: " And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?"
"98," she replied.
"Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A
hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer,
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore,
can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my
friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's
license!
------------------------------------------
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her
will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered
over Bloomingdale's.
"Bloomingdale's?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why
Bloomingdale's?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."
------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its
state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur. Be careful...
******************************************************
In the long tradition of political correctness and
sensitivity that has so characterized all of our
jokes, we offer this one (sent our way by PW)...
WHY IS IT THAT???
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine will probably never be able to support
you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of
those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once
told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a
clock on the oven.
Why do men have more pressure than women? Because
women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that
won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't
like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence? Divorced.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding
ring, Suffer-Ring.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created
Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
From a friend...
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped
up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: " And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
------------------------------------------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?"
"98," she replied.
"Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
------------------------------------------
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A
hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer,
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore,
can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my
friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's
license!
------------------------------------------
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her
will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered
over Bloomingdale's.
"Bloomingdale's?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why
Bloomingdale's?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."
------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its
state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur. Be careful...
******************************************************
In the long tradition of political correctness and
sensitivity that has so characterized all of our
jokes, we offer this one (sent our way by PW)...
WHY IS IT THAT???
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine will probably never be able to support
you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of
those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once
told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a
clock on the oven.
Why do men have more pressure than women? Because
women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that
won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't
like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence? Divorced.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding
ring, Suffer-Ring.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created
Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
hUMOR For August 27th
********************************
All Purpose Excuse Form
Here is an all purpose excuse form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,b) Dad,c) love of my life,d) Assistant Principal,e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) carb) housec) petd) espresso makere) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantileb) puerilec) ineptd) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistice) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
a) carb) jet skic) large helium balloond) rodent driven sledgee) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,b) wife,c) Cub Scout troop,d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,e) priceless collection of antique knitting needles,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,b) fathom,c) comprehend,d) appreciate,e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,b) sue me,c) spank me,d) take my firstborn,e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) schoolb) workc) churchd) the bowling alleye) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friendb) childc) siblingd) lease co-signere) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one thata) was so stupid.b) was so silly.c) would have been funny if it worked.d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Bears
Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got back to their truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears. One of the men said, "OK, guys, I figure the only way we're gonna get back to the truck is to make these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home.
"Ed, you take that one on the left, the little cub with a broken leg. I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw. Joe, you take the one on the right, the mama bear."
Joe looked and saw a huge silvertip grizzly bear with big teeth and froth around her mouth.
"Hey, man, wait a sec. I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe," was the reply. "We all have our bears to cross."
********************************
"There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age."
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarian and we're skeptical." (Charles Schultz)
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a
question of finding a sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)
"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars, and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons." (Douglas Adams)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father." (Greg Norman)
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)
"Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable."
"If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag."
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."
********************************
The young goober rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
********************************
SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE
It takes more than four minutes to get out of your
car.
When backing into a parking spot, you just back up
until you hear something.
It scares you to drive the speed limit.
The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the
Amish.
You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
You inquired if the dealership could install
magnifying glass for the windshield.
Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.
When the police pull you over, they're surprised to
find out you're sober.
********************************
Good Housekeeping Tip:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.....
so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've
been sick and unable to clean...
********************************
A Real Groaner
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was
a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he
could. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature
loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt
anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when
they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught
up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why
it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible
infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even
see out of.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but
his friend begged him to stop.
He said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"
(Say it slowly... get it?)
********************************
Here's "blonde" with a twist!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
All Purpose Excuse Form
Here is an all purpose excuse form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,b) Dad,c) love of my life,d) Assistant Principal,e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) carb) housec) petd) espresso makere) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantileb) puerilec) ineptd) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistice) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
a) carb) jet skic) large helium balloond) rodent driven sledgee) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,b) wife,c) Cub Scout troop,d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,e) priceless collection of antique knitting needles,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,b) fathom,c) comprehend,d) appreciate,e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,b) sue me,c) spank me,d) take my firstborn,e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) schoolb) workc) churchd) the bowling alleye) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friendb) childc) siblingd) lease co-signere) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one thata) was so stupid.b) was so silly.c) would have been funny if it worked.d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Bears
Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got back to their truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears. One of the men said, "OK, guys, I figure the only way we're gonna get back to the truck is to make these bears really angry. Then they'll leave and we can go home.
"Ed, you take that one on the left, the little cub with a broken leg. I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw. Joe, you take the one on the right, the mama bear."
Joe looked and saw a huge silvertip grizzly bear with big teeth and froth around her mouth.
"Hey, man, wait a sec. I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe," was the reply. "We all have our bears to cross."
********************************
"There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age."
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarian and we're skeptical." (Charles Schultz)
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a
question of finding a sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)
"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars, and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons." (Douglas Adams)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father." (Greg Norman)
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)
"Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is
comfortable."
"If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag."
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."
********************************
The young goober rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
********************************
SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE
It takes more than four minutes to get out of your
car.
When backing into a parking spot, you just back up
until you hear something.
It scares you to drive the speed limit.
The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the
Amish.
You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
You inquired if the dealership could install
magnifying glass for the windshield.
Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.
When the police pull you over, they're surprised to
find out you're sober.
********************************
Good Housekeeping Tip:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.....
so if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've
been sick and unable to clean...
********************************
A Real Groaner
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was
a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he
could. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature
loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt
anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when
they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught
up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why
it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible
infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even
see out of.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but
his friend begged him to stop.
He said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"
(Say it slowly... get it?)
********************************
Here's "blonde" with a twist!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Friday, August 26, 2005
hUMOR For August 26th
The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping in the desert, they set up their tent, and go to sleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend."Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars.""What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks."Tonto, you Dumb Dumb, someone has stolen our tent."
********************************
Hybrid Car
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years for theft."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"You're too good for him." - Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA. "No wonder you always go home alone." - Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Meet Your Neighbors
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.
Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why.........
we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve
the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.
At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving
while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am
I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a
pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on
the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
********************************
FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like...night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9. The early bird gets the worm, and the second mouse getsthe cheese in the trap. 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 25. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
********************************
Hybrid Car
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years for theft."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"You're too good for him." - Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA. "No wonder you always go home alone." - Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Meet Your Neighbors
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.
Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why.........
we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve
the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.
At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving
while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am
I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a
pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on
the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
********************************
FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like...night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9. The early bird gets the worm, and the second mouse getsthe cheese in the trap. 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 25. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
hUMOR For August 25th
********************************
Crowded Bus
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Tourism
I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.
********************************
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to
have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, once again serving the man a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me
anymore!"
********************************
My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.
As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"
********************************
Religious Differences
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church
one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads
where he met a little girl coming from the other
direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way
home," answered the little girl.
"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way
home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road,"
replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the
hill," replied the little boy.
They discovered that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together. They came
to a low spot in the road where spring rains had
partially flooded the road so there was no way that
they could get across to the other side without
getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my
Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit
wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little
girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them
over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm
going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other
side without getting their clothes wet. They were
standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before
putting their clothes back on when the little boy
finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize
before just how much difference there really is
between a Baptist and a Catholic."
********************************
Nun Out Of Gas
(I just thought this was very timely, with the price of gas these days!)
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."
Crowded Bus
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.
"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Tourism
I am a mental tourist. My mind wanders.
********************************
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine.
He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into
the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover
from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that
to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to
have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, once again serving the man a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me a world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me
anymore!"
********************************
My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.
As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?"
********************************
Religious Differences
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church
one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads
where he met a little girl coming from the other
direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way
home," answered the little girl.
"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way
home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road,"
replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the
hill," replied the little boy.
They discovered that they are both going the same way
so they decided that they'd walk together. They came
to a low spot in the road where spring rains had
partially flooded the road so there was no way that
they could get across to the other side without
getting wet. "If I get my new Sunday dress wet my
Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit
wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little
girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them
over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm
going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other
side without getting their clothes wet. They were
standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before
putting their clothes back on when the little boy
finally remarked, "You know, I never did realize
before just how much difference there really is
between a Baptist and a Catholic."
********************************
Nun Out Of Gas
(I just thought this was very timely, with the price of gas these days!)
A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
hUMOR For August 24th
********************************
Golf Deduction
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Communion
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I can't eat, I won't pay!"
********************************
A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the
way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found
a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words
"queen size."
Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."
********************************
Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. So I called him a name. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him another name. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...
********************************
Raise
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.
"There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other
companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the
gas company."
********************************
Wanna-be Mechanic
A man applies for a job as mechanic. The boss says, "Can you roll
your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play lightsaber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it
around and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that
already!" says the boss.
Golf Deduction
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Communion
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...
"If I can't eat, I won't pay!"
********************************
A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the
way home, he looked at the items she had purchased. He found
a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words
"queen size."
Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."
********************************
Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there
for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up
to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a
guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. So I called him a name. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him another name. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't really care.
My car was parked around the corner...
********************************
Raise
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss.
"There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other
companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the
gas company."
********************************
Wanna-be Mechanic
A man applies for a job as mechanic. The boss says, "Can you roll
your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play lightsaber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it
around and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that
already!" says the boss.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
hUMOR For August 23rd
********************************
Vacation Cut
Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss me?" I asked.
"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Rooster
A minister had just finished an excellent dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard."That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented.
"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud-- one of his sons just entered the ministry!"
********************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!
"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK!
"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."
********************************
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.
"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck."
Vacation Cut
Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss me?" I asked.
"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Rooster
A minister had just finished an excellent dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard."That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," the minister commented.
"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud-- one of his sons just entered the ministry!"
********************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!
"WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK!
"Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
"Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."
********************************
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.
When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.
"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit per- fectly around his neck."
Monday, August 22, 2005
hUMOR For August 22nd
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
********************************
Teaching Math
Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00 and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears.
The incident got me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school (or not).
Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set of "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set"C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds andsquirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es . . . .
********************************
REDNECK CHALLENGE
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people
are in the South.
I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this
exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane, (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of liquid produced per hour,
how many car radiators are required to condense the
product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many beverages will be drank before the trees are cut
down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place
a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that
well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of
things that big city book-learnin' don't prepare ya
for in this life.
********************************
But, Of Course!
A Russian village east of Moscow got a rude awakening
one morning: A lake vanished overnight, leaving a
large muddy hole. Officials told TV reporters that
the lake may have been sucked into an undergrond cave
system. But an elderly village woman offered a
different theory: "I am thinking, well, America has
finally got to us". (Cut out of the local paper in
Memphis, TN., and is said to be authenic)
********************************
A LITTLE HUMOR;
Progress is when everyone pushes in the same
direction.
Idleness is the rust that will attach itself to the
most brilliant minds;
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember
MOSES started out as a basket case... get it.?
COULD THIS BE YOU ?
My idea of visitation-----------Folks coming to see
me.
My idea of sympathy----------Everybody suffers wih
me.
My idea of Meekness---Yielding to me.
My idea of unity---Everybody agreeing with me.
My idea of cooperation----Everybody working in my
place.
My idea of a good sermon---One that fits everyose
except me..
My idea of a sinner--- the person i dislike.
My idea of good attendance in worship,
THE BEST GIFT TO GIVE:
To your friend---Loyalty
To your enemy--Forgiveness;
To your boss --service
To a child --- a good example;
To your parents---gratitude and devotion;
To your mate---Love and faithfulness;
To all men and women---Charity;
To God---Your Life.
THIS IS TAKEN FROM THE EASTSIDE CHURCH OF CHRIST
BULLETIN; MUSKOGEE, OK.
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
********************************
Teaching Math
Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00 and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears.
The incident got me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school (or not).
Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set of "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set"C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds andsquirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es . . . .
********************************
REDNECK CHALLENGE
I am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people
are in the South.
I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this
exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane, (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a
capacity of 20 gallons of liquid produced per hour,
how many car radiators are required to condense the
product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many beverages will be drank before the trees are cut
down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a
charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the
percentage decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8
feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor
is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has
five children. Can each of his grown children place
a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out
front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45
MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions
on secondary roads, what is the probability that it
will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy
one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that
well. Just goes to show ya... There's a hole heap of
things that big city book-learnin' don't prepare ya
for in this life.
********************************
But, Of Course!
A Russian village east of Moscow got a rude awakening
one morning: A lake vanished overnight, leaving a
large muddy hole. Officials told TV reporters that
the lake may have been sucked into an undergrond cave
system. But an elderly village woman offered a
different theory: "I am thinking, well, America has
finally got to us". (Cut out of the local paper in
Memphis, TN., and is said to be authenic)
********************************
A LITTLE HUMOR;
Progress is when everyone pushes in the same
direction.
Idleness is the rust that will attach itself to the
most brilliant minds;
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember
MOSES started out as a basket case... get it.?
COULD THIS BE YOU ?
My idea of visitation-----------Folks coming to see
me.
My idea of sympathy----------Everybody suffers wih
me.
My idea of Meekness---Yielding to me.
My idea of unity---Everybody agreeing with me.
My idea of cooperation----Everybody working in my
place.
My idea of a good sermon---One that fits everyose
except me..
My idea of a sinner--- the person i dislike.
My idea of good attendance in worship,
THE BEST GIFT TO GIVE:
To your friend---Loyalty
To your enemy--Forgiveness;
To your boss --service
To a child --- a good example;
To your parents---gratitude and devotion;
To your mate---Love and faithfulness;
To all men and women---Charity;
To God---Your Life.
THIS IS TAKEN FROM THE EASTSIDE CHURCH OF CHRIST
BULLETIN; MUSKOGEE, OK.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
hUMOR For August 21st
********************************
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" And the man quickly hurried out.
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest, and the second man also complied.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
********************************
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an elderly Native American man went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, he again went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This guy is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the man to predict the weather for the remainder of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old man didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."
********************************
NEW U.S. State Mottos
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Maybe Not,But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 100,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Cheap Entertainment! (Make sure you bring a LOT of money)
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a @$%#! Motto? I Got Yer @$%#! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable!
North Dakota: We Really ARE One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. . . It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Sí, hablo inglés (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep.
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" And the man quickly hurried out.
He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest, and the second man also complied.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
********************************
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an elderly Native American man went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, he again went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This guy is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the man to predict the weather for the remainder of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old man didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The old man shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."
********************************
NEW U.S. State Mottos
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Maybe Not,But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 100,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Cheap Entertainment! (Make sure you bring a LOT of money)
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a @$%#! Motto? I Got Yer @$%#! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable!
North Dakota: We Really ARE One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl. . . It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Sí, hablo inglés (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep.
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Saturday, August 20, 2005
hUMOR For August 20th
********************************
Clutter Advice
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
********************************
Oneliner.
You always hear people using the phrase "working like a dog" but when's the last time you saw a dog doing any work?
********************************
CleanPun. - Stocks
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."
********************************
Bible Brain Twister By John Kezer
I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu, kept people looking so hard for facts, and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the truth finally struck home to numbers of readers. To others, it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
One preacher found 16 books in 20 minutes. It took him three weeks to find the seventeenth one.
(Hint: See how many books of the bible you can find in the
text above.)
Answer Below:
Bible Brain Twister By [John] Kezer
I once made a re[mark] about the hidden books of the Bible.
It was a lu[lu, ke]pt people loo [king s]o hard for f[acts], and for others it was a [revelation]. Some were in a [jam, es] pecially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the t[ruth] finally struck home to [numbers] of readers. To others, it was a real [job]. We want it to be [a mos]t fascinating few moments for you. Y[es, ther]e will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require [judges] to help them. I will quickly admi[t it us]ually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud [lamentations] when it is found. A little lady says s[he brews] a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can com [pete. R]elax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
********************************
If I lock my keys in my car, all I have to do is call OnStar and they unlock my car.
If the car is stolen, they can lock all the doors and trap the thief in the car.
Whenever my wife tells me she is taking the car to go shopping, I call OnStar and tell them my car has been stolen.
********************************
Tribute to a Friend
Nose prints on the window, scratches at the back door,
Dog hair on the sofa, muddy prints on the floor.
Your face in the window when I''d drive away,
How you'd greet me at the door at the end of the day.
At your expense how I laughed it up
Like how everything scared you when you were a pup...
When you ran from that "monster" to no avail
It was only a branch that was caught in your tail...
Or the 4th of July when the fireworks flared
How you hid in the bathtub because you were scared.
Dog hair on my pants, on my shirt, on my sock,
Your ferocious loud bark when somebody's knock.
How each night you faithfully slept by my bed,
How I''d reach from the covers and I'd scratch your
head.
When the end finally came, with tear-filled eyes
I kissed y ou and lovingly said my goodbyes.
I held you in my arms ''til the very end.
Now your absence is painful. I miss you, dear friend.
Although I was your owner right from the start,
You were really the Master, for you owned my heart.
********************************
LAST RITES
A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street.
He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers."A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.
A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells,
"A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd
to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man
of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man,
"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian.
But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services.
I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort
to this poor man." The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man
can get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man
and says in a solemn voice: "B-4.
I-19.
N-38.
G-54.
O-72"
Clutter Advice
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
Great.
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
********************************
Oneliner.
You always hear people using the phrase "working like a dog" but when's the last time you saw a dog doing any work?
********************************
CleanPun. - Stocks
An American history teacher, lecturing the class on the Puritans, asked: "What sort of people were punished in the stocks?"
To which a small voice from the back of the room responded: "The small investor."
********************************
Bible Brain Twister By John Kezer
I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu, kept people looking so hard for facts, and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the truth finally struck home to numbers of readers. To others, it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
One preacher found 16 books in 20 minutes. It took him three weeks to find the seventeenth one.
(Hint: See how many books of the bible you can find in the
text above.)
Answer Below:
Bible Brain Twister By [John] Kezer
I once made a re[mark] about the hidden books of the Bible.
It was a lu[lu, ke]pt people loo [king s]o hard for f[acts], and for others it was a [revelation]. Some were in a [jam, es] pecially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the t[ruth] finally struck home to [numbers] of readers. To others, it was a real [job]. We want it to be [a mos]t fascinating few moments for you. Y[es, ther]e will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require [judges] to help them. I will quickly admi[t it us]ually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud [lamentations] when it is found. A little lady says s[he brews] a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can com [pete. R]elax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.
********************************
If I lock my keys in my car, all I have to do is call OnStar and they unlock my car.
If the car is stolen, they can lock all the doors and trap the thief in the car.
Whenever my wife tells me she is taking the car to go shopping, I call OnStar and tell them my car has been stolen.
********************************
Tribute to a Friend
Nose prints on the window, scratches at the back door,
Dog hair on the sofa, muddy prints on the floor.
Your face in the window when I''d drive away,
How you'd greet me at the door at the end of the day.
At your expense how I laughed it up
Like how everything scared you when you were a pup...
When you ran from that "monster" to no avail
It was only a branch that was caught in your tail...
Or the 4th of July when the fireworks flared
How you hid in the bathtub because you were scared.
Dog hair on my pants, on my shirt, on my sock,
Your ferocious loud bark when somebody's knock.
How each night you faithfully slept by my bed,
How I''d reach from the covers and I'd scratch your
head.
When the end finally came, with tear-filled eyes
I kissed y ou and lovingly said my goodbyes.
I held you in my arms ''til the very end.
Now your absence is painful. I miss you, dear friend.
Although I was your owner right from the start,
You were really the Master, for you owned my heart.
********************************
LAST RITES
A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street.
He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers."A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.
A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells,
"A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd
to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man
of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man,
"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian.
But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services.
I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort
to this poor man." The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man
can get through to where the injured man lay.
The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man
and says in a solemn voice: "B-4.
I-19.
N-38.
G-54.
O-72"
Friday, August 19, 2005
hUMOR For Aug. 19th
********************************
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young
woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes
followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife
asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
********************************
For All Those Born Before 1945
Consider all the changes we have witnessed ...We were born before television, before penicillin, beforepolio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contactlens, Frisbees and the PILL.We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laserbeams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose,dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, airconditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on themoon. We got married first and then lived together. Howquaint can you be? In our time closets were for clothes, notcoming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits werenot Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls namedJean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meantgetting along with your cousin.We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outerSpace was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born beforehouse-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dualcareers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electrictypewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guyswearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togethernessand hardware and software weren't even words.In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out"referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds andinstant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when therewere 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car,make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail oneletter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you hadone) was 11 cents a gallon.In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POTwas something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma'slullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. Wewere certainly not before the differences between the sexeswas discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And,we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think youneeded a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are soconfused and there is such a generation gap today.BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
********************************
FoodCan't eat Beef, Mad cow.... Can't eat chicken . bird flu Can't eat eggs . Salmonella Can't eat pork . fears that bird flu will infect piggies Can't eat fish . heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies . insecticides and herbicides Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds. Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. (If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.) "That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."
********************************
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was
fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs
are
so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four Fifty!"
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young
woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes
followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife
asked, "Was it worth the trouble you're in?"
********************************
For All Those Born Before 1945
Consider all the changes we have witnessed ...We were born before television, before penicillin, beforepolio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contactlens, Frisbees and the PILL.We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laserbeams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose,dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, airconditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on themoon. We got married first and then lived together. Howquaint can you be? In our time closets were for clothes, notcoming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits werenot Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls namedJean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meantgetting along with your cousin.We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outerSpace was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born beforehouse-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dualcareers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electrictypewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guyswearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togethernessand hardware and software weren't even words.In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out"referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds andinstant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when therewere 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car,make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail oneletter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you hadone) was 11 cents a gallon.In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POTwas something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma'slullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. Wewere certainly not before the differences between the sexeswas discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And,we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think youneeded a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are soconfused and there is such a generation gap today.BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
********************************
FoodCan't eat Beef, Mad cow.... Can't eat chicken . bird flu Can't eat eggs . Salmonella Can't eat pork . fears that bird flu will infect piggies Can't eat fish . heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies . insecticides and herbicides Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backwards is "DESSERTS"
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds. Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. (If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.) "That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it."
********************************
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was
fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs
are
so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher cried.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four Fifty!"
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