hUMOR For August 14th

Blue Pill

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked
"How
many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one
into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.. That won't get you
through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't
even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far
enough so I don't pee on my new shoes"
********************************
Mechanic?

The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and
was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage
nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a
mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally
said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.
********************************
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in
Florida newspapers: (Who says seniors don't have a
sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried
fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round
out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of
breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are
the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing
aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth
seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn
on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to
cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like
to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are
now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through
Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and
Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good
condition, some hair, many new parts including hip,
knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but
walks well.
********************************
005 Revised Bill of Rights

The following has been attributed to State
Representative Mitchell Kaye from Georgia. This guy
should run for President one day . .

"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby TRY ONE MORE TIME to ordain and establish some common-sense guidelines for the terminally whiney, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other bed-wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole
lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and
are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights as such:

ARTICLE I: You do NOT have the right to a new car,
big-screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power
to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do NOT have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone--not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc.; but the world if full of idiots, and
probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do NOT have the right to be free
from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye,
learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool
manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do NOT have the right to free food
and housing. Americans are the most charitable people
to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but
we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another
generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do NOT have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of
public housing, we are not interested in public health
care.

ARTICLE VI: You do NOT have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do NOT have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do NOT have the right to a job.
All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly
help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful.

ARTICLE IX: You do NOT have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an over-abundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English-speaking country. We
don't care where you are from, English is our
language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from!

(lastly . . . )

ARTICLE XI: You do NOT have the right to change our
country's history or heritage. This country was
founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you
are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any
faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of
persecution. The phrase "IN GOD WE TRUST" is part of
our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable
with it, TOUGH!
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Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
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Police Baste
A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the state police to find out how to baste a turkey?"
There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Complacency
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation:
"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them." Then he added, "And it's so hot here in the summer that hades doesn't scare them!"

hUMOR For August 13th

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Positive Start
How to start your day with a positive outlook.
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Library Glasses
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so?"
He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"
********************************
Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"Don't know, has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several
weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out
a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put in tepee."

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.

"Don't know deposit."

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for
you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
********************************
When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.
He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.
He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
********************************
Hang glider

In Arkansas, you don't see too many people
hang-gliding.

Bubba decided to save up and get a hang glider. He
took it to the highest mountain, and after struggling
to the top, he got ready to take flight. He took off
running and reached the edge. Into the wind he went.

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch
swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when Maw spotted
the biggest bird she had ever seen !

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw !" she exclaimed.

Paw raised up," Git my gun, Maw."

She ran into the house, and got out his pump shotgun.
He took careful aim. BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! The
monster size bird continued to sail silently over the
tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw." she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

**************
Thanks to Marti -- An Atheist and a Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,
admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What
beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was
walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the
casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right
towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked
over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing,
He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his
shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His
heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He
tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick
himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out
of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these
years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as
a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me
as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear
a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the
sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought
both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord,
for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

hUMOR For August 12th

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Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company. One
day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver works for the Honolulu Zoo. He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.

He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver a
truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed to be there within the hour. Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.

An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and
heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he see's Kimo and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases in pursuit. He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo on the side of the road. In an irate voice he asks, "Hey, Kimo. I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me?"

"Calm down," Kimo says. "I took the penguins to the zoo. We
had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"
********************************
e will water the thorn for the sake
of the rose. ~Kanem proverb

Prevention is a very important part of diabetes
self-care. We want to prevent the complications of
diabetes. But prevention is not the whole picture.
Can you imagine getting out of bed in the morning,
stretching, and saying: "Well, another day to prevent blindness"?

Beyond prevention of early death, disability, and
disease, there is the promotion of life, health, and well-being. The reason we eat nutritiously, take medication (if prescribed), exercise, and monitor blood glucose is so that we can enjoy life.
********************************
High Philosophy...

I had amnesia once -- or twice, I can't remember.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now
what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were
Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make
me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride
horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge
his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything
else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about
other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem
begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you
explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and
I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like
chicken?
********************************
Do you remember?

In 1968, Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40

1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were
kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

2. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were
kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

4. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown
up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked
and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and
thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and
a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was
murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

8. In 1993 the WorldTradeCenter was bombed the first
time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

9. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania
were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild
Bill' s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were
used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers
and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US
Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by: a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd b. The Supreme Court of Florida c. Mr. Bean d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in
Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The LutheranChurch
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and
murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of
17 and 40

The answer to all of the questions is d.

How did you do?

EDITOR'S NOTE: While some might think that racially
unfair and etc., for whatever you might say about it
one thing is sure: it is accurate. Perhaps we need
to do a bit of re-thinking some of the PC assumptions
about us...
********************************
Dentist Bill
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Prayer
A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out laughing.
"Reggie!" scolded his father, "Why are you laughing during prayer?"
"But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke."
********************************
PERKS OF BEING OVER 501. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you?"5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.7. Things you buy now won't wear out.8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM. 9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.13. You sing along with elevator music.14. Your eyes won't get much worse.15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

hUMOR For Aug. 11th

********************************
Worm Stubborn

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for
days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No
luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to
no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look
young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you
have eaten will you leave."

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have
some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I
want it and second you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!"
said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a
loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many,
just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that
the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr.
Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely
managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"

Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"
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The river is a wonderful book with a new story to tell everyday.~Mark Twain

Life provides many classrooms.....from libraries and
schools to rivers and mountains. The river is my
favorite classroom.

Whether the river takes us to towns, festivals, or
fishing, there are stories to hear at every bend.
But, when we are very still and watch the river and
listen carefully, we hear our own stories.....welling
up from the river within us.

"The river has taught me to listen; you will learn
from it, too. The river knows everything; one can
learn everything from it." ~Herman Hesse
********************************
We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park
for a picnic.

My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother.

"Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"Go down the slide while sitting, only."
"Only one child on a swing at a time."
(There were a good twenty rules.)

The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play
without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the
picnic table.

Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!

I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.

"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule
anymore!"
********************************
My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.
One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said,
"Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us."
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say,
"Honey, it's for you......someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."
********************************Finished Chores My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that. "Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off!"****************** *Here is today's Oneliner.* "Don't trust anyone over 30 who used to say 'Don't trust anyone over 30.'"****************** *Here is today's CleanPun. - Collie* One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's kennel was deep in the southern United States. The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits. just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but watermelons. He doted on them. His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully. He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner. His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her. She said, ... "Come to me, my melon collie baby."
********************************
Bubba and Billy Bob, from Lower Alabama, traveled to Asheville, NC,
for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown street they see a sign in a store window: "Suits $5.00 --- Shirts --- $2.00 --- Trousers $2.50 a pair."

Bubba says to Billy Bob, "Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob of
these clothes, take 'em back to Lower Alabama 'n sell 'em to all our friends 'n make a fortune fer us." Bubba continues, "Now when we go in there, don't you say a word, okay? Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're iggerant. I'll talk wif a slow Carolina drawl so's they won't know."

In they go and Bubba says with his best fake Carolina drawl, "I'll take 50 of them there suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my pickup and......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Lower Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well....yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How'd you come to know dat?"

"Cause dis here's a dry-cleaner's."

hUMOR For Aug. 10th

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park?"
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Automation?

With HIPAA regulations in full force, this hospital IT technician reminds
users that when they print reports containing patient information, those
reports can't be left in the printer tray. "They must be either secured
under lock and key or shredded," he says. But one user has a problem: "I
don't always have time to pick up my reports from the printer. Is there any
way I can set up my PC so I can send my documents directly to the shredder?"
********************************
THE WAY IT WAS BACK THEN !!!!!!!!!!! AND THIS IS THE TRUTH!!!!!!
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes too, our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting ecoli?Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.We all took gym, not PE ... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training ath letic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries, but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. Flunking gym was not an option. Even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson [and provided comic relief] by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.We must have had horribly damaged psyches. I can't understand it.Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Stations, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a half mile down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.Oh yeah . and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacantconstruction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids called it "monkey blood" and liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough, it wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play, and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn't even know that m owers came with motors until I was 13, and we got one without an automatic blade-stop and it did not have powered wheels. How sick were my parents?Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?Think about it before you laugh, this is not a joke, it's the way it was in the good old days...
********************************
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in his blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty!' So your Honor, I can not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance, the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
********************************
My friend Mary used to plant daffodils
in the woods behind her house.....not in a row, but at
random. Always, it was a delightful surprise to spot
them. She called me one day and said simply, "What a
wonderful day to be a daffodil."

My imagination did the rest. I pictured myself as a
daffodil gently bobbing in the breeze. Stress was
gone. I smiled all day whenever I thought about being
a daffodil protected by the surrounding woods, gently
kissed by streaks of sunlight, and tickled by gentle
winds. Although we don't have wings to carry us, we
do have imagination.
********************************
Economics Exam
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Be more like a child today, for children sing whether they sound good or not."
********************************
Foolishness
On the Upper West Side lived a man who was a very militant atheist but he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its Christian roots, it was a great school. After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God and we don't believe in Him!"
********************************
Skipping church Elder Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to deliver the sermon for him that day. After Elder Norton was certain the Associate Pastor left for church, he headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his local church. Setting up on the first tee, he was absolutely alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and all the good church people he knew were in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Elder Norton hit the ball … it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell? Nobody’s going to believe a story like this from a golfer with a 23 handicap!"

MORALE: Only liars must remember what they lied about and can never set things straight without admitting to being a liar!

hUMOR For Aug. 9th

********************************
Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"What a hotel! The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase." - Henny Youngman
********************************
CleanPun. - Ice Cream
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"OK," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came around and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
********************************
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking
up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for
a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"
********************************
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"
"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"
********************************
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a
repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day,
she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the
mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the
counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest
looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had
said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching
the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time
with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any
longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
********************************
Who's On First" -- new version

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?


Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new
leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?


Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name
of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I
thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the
new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of
the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use
a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get
me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
********************************
DEAD MULE

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning
and discovered a
dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.

Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the
police referred the
preacher to the health department. They said since
there was no health
threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the
mule without
authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager
to call him. The
mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal
with, but the
preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to
rant and rave at
the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me
anyway? Isn't it your
job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the
Lord to direct his
response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor,! it is my job
to bury the dead,
but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

hUMOR For Aug. 8th

********************************
One Call
The two teenagers were arrested. The police sergeant told them they were entitled to a phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked for them by name.
The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?"
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their pizza."
********************************
Gospel Preachers: How can you tell
that Peter and John were gospel preachers?
Because when the lame man asked for money Peter said
"silver and gold have I none".
********************************
Show and Tell: A kindergarten
teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object to
share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and
said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is
a Star of David." The second student got up in front
of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a
Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got
in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy.
I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
********************************
TRAVELING CHRISTIAN LADY

There was a Christian lady who had to do a lot of
traveling for her business, so she did a lot of
flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took
her Bible along to read. It helped her relax. One time
the man next to her gave a little chuckle when she
pulled out her Bible. After a while he turned to her
and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in
there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do.
It's the Bible." He said, "Well what about that guy
that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh,
Jonah. Yes, I believe that. It's in the Bible." He
asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that
time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't
really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I'll ask
him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
********************************
BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Local Self-Help Network Needs Assistance

Altoona Church Wins Big in Ugly Girls Basketball Game

Take precautions with elderly in heat.

Following lunch, Martha Helms will offer a brief
motivational presentation on how to be goat-oriented
in everyday life.

Our Wednesday Night Service will feature a special
presentation on Guardian Angles.

Sister Lucy has requested prayer for a death in her
family.
********************************
THE CONGREGATION REPLIED

Down in the south, there are many churches known as
"answer back" churches. When the preacher says
something, the congregation naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would
take for the church to become better. He said "If this
church is to become better, it must take up it's bed,
and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk,
Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If
this church is going to become better, it will have to
throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation
replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If
this church really wants to become great, it will have
to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher,
let it fly!" the congregation shouts.

The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to
fly, it will cost money!"

The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let
it walk."
********************************
OU KNOW YOU'RE A MISSIONARY'S KID
WHEN...

You can't answer the question, "Where are you from?"

You speak two languages, but can't spell either.

You flew before you could walk.

You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words
mean.

You have a passport, but no driver's license.

You watch National Geographic specials and recognize
someone.

You have a time zone map next to your telephone.

You don't know how to play Pac-Man.

Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to..."
five times.

You speak to different ethnic groups in their own
language.

National Geographic makes you homesick.

You have strong opinions about how to cook bugs.

You don't know where home is.

You have friends from or in 29 different countries.
You sort your friends by continent.

You keep dreaming of a green Christmas.

You tell people where you're from, and their eyes get
big.

You are grateful for the speed and efficiency of any
postal service.

You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.

You know what REAL coffee tastes like.

The majority of your friends don't speak English as a
first language.

Someone brings up the name of a team, and you get the
sport wrong.

You realize what a small world it is, after all.

You watch a movie set in a foreign country, and you
don't have to read the subtitles.

You know how to pack.

All preaching sounds better under a corrugated tin
roof.

hUMOR For Aug. 7th

********************************
Canine Complex

A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to
explain his problem.

"Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep
hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here
and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the
furniture."
********************************
This is for you long winded preachers
out there - you know who you are

Seems that during a particularly long sermon a man got
up and began to leave the building.

The preacher called out "Sir? Where are you going? I'm
not finished with the sermon."

The man replied, "I'm going to get a hair cut."

The preacher then asked, "Why didn't you get it cut
before you came to services?"

The man slowly replied, "I didn't need one then."

******************************************************

>From JokeDuJour: "Ways Life Would Change If Men Got
Pregnant"

1. Maternity leave would last two years...with full
pay!

2. There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's No. 1
health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be improved to
100% effectiveness.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until they
were toilet-trained and over the "Terrible Twos."

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.

9. Fathers would demand that their sons be home from
dates by 10 p.m.

10. Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.

11. They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.

12. Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and
pickles as an entree.

13. Women would rule the world.
********************************
Test For Mental Patients

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time. This little test should get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what is the criteria that defines a
patient to be institutionalized. "Well," said the
Director, "we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the
patient to empty the bathtub."

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would choose the bucket as it is larger than the
spoon." "No," answered the Director. "A normal person
would pull the plug." Did you pass?
********************************
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was
having a lot of problems selling it, because the car
had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked
with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a
possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's
not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can
only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a
friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I
sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have
a problem anymore trying to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has
50,000 miles on it!"
********************************
Guard Dog
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.
As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two suspicious looking men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.
Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.
As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work." - Peter Drucker
********************************
Ungreatfulness
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"

hUMOR For August 6th

********************************
Sam's Fishing

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught
more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three
or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of
fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The
warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited
the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's
boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and
the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and
threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force
that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and
started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered
from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do
this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is
in the book!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of
dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these
words: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to
fish?"
********************************
Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to
his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting certain disaster.

Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out ... right into the water.
********************************
Thanks to (I forgot!!!) -- A Little Gender Bashing

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth
anniversary. The couple had married as childhood
sweethearts and had moved back to their old
neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It
was not locked, so they entered, and found the old
desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you,
Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an
armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally
quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it,
they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back
in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the
neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the
door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell
out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One
says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home
from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says,
"We're outta here."
********************************
The Good Samaritan (kid size)

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the
story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was
beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the
situation in vivid detail so her students would catch
the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a
person lying on the roadside, all wounded and
bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little
girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
********************************
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices
that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.
While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she
locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to
pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she
can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten
minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the
blonde is faring. Outside the car, the blonde is
moving the hanger around and around while the blonde
inside the car is saying, "A little more to the
left...a little more to the right!..."

hUMOR For August 5th

********************************
Abbott and Costello - Computer Version
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W." COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great, with what? ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "1." COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1." COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w? ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office. COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (LATER) COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START"..
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"The MORE you sweat in training the LESS you bleed in battle."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Wisdom
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."
********************************
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation
with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"

The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"

Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"

The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
********************************
Did You Know?

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because
you really like that person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong
in heart, are real weak and most susceptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time
protecting others are the ones that really need some
one to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to
say are :

I love you, Sorry and help me
The people who say these are actually in need of them
or really feel them, and are the ones you really need
to treasure, because they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by
keeping others company or helping others are the ones
that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more
confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those
that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those
who want to be unnoticed and need your help and
understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is
returned in two folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those
that don't mention it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in
writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did
you know that it has more value when you say it to
their face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to
say or do is much more valuable than anything that is
valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith,
your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true,
like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy,
if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew,
you'd be surprised by what you could do.

But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try
it for yourself , if you know someone that is in need
of something that I mentioned, and you know that you
can help, you'll see that it will be returned in
two-fold .
********************************
Anyone From Texas?

Did you hear about the man from Texas who passed away
and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved
widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
********************************
How do you know when you're staying in a Texas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak
in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go
ahead."
********************************
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age in Texas to 32? It seems they want to
keep alcohol out of the high schools.
********************************
Texas police pulled over a pickup truck on the
Turnpike. The officer said to the driver, "Got any
ID?" The driver said, "Bout what?"
********************************
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Texas
burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole
trailer park.
********************************
NEWS FLASH! - Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat
Cessna 150 plane, piloted by 2 Aggies crashed into a College Station
cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300
bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues
into

the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.
********************************
A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35. The
trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"

hUMOR For August 4th

********************************
Every night, Frank would go down to the store, get a
six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.
He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach
standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw
him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the
doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the
same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched
him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his first beer, the
doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was
standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell
rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the
snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He
explained the events of the preceding four nights.

"What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug
going around."
********************************
Empty People
Satan whispers and tells them where to go,
hunting riches and rivers of Gold,
What will they gain ,taking Gods' name in vain,
What will He say on Judgement day?
They don't know Gods' in control,they don't think of
Him,
Like the almost Blind leading the almost Blind,
their eyes are so dim' they believe not, God takes
care of us all,
Reaching for material things ,they will fall.
I know God must shed a tear,as He watches His Children
fall,
Chasing their God's of Money,Homes and Cars,
Living on hard drink and living in Bars,
Woe unto them,for Gods Mercy will end!go to the left
He will say,and Eternity always stays.
Martha
********************************
It is hot when...

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of
the ground.

The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do
to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt
and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep
them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

People are eating hot peppers to cool their mouths
off.

People feel chilled when the temperature drops below
95°.

The best parking place is determined by shade, not
distance.

Hot water now comes out of both faucets.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outdoors
at 7:30AM!

You discover that asphalt has a liquid state.

Local restaurants serve hot coffee as a cold beverage.

You can fry eggs by holding the egg skillet out the
window for a few minutes.
********************************
Monastery

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near
a monastery. He
goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down.
Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner,
even fix his car. As
the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. The next
morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but
they say, "We can't tell
you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and
goes about his
merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front
of the same
monastery. The monks gain accept him, feed him, even
fix his car. That
night,
he hears the same strange noise that he had heard
years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks
reply, "We can't
tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to
know. If the only
way I can find out what that sound was is to become
a monk, how do I
become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell
us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of
sand pebbles. When you
find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years
later, he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I
have traveled the
earth and have found what you have asked for. There
are 145,236,284,232
blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand
pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a
monk. We shall now
show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the
head monk says,
"The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is
locked. He says, "Real
funny. May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden
door is another door made of stone. The man demands
the key to the stone
door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it,
only to find a door
made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks,
who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of
sapphire. So it went
until the man had gone through doors of emerald,
silver, topaz,
amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door." The
man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door,
turns the knob, and
behind that door he is amazed to find the source of
that strange sound.
********************************
(From a pamphlet produced by our government for home buyers)

Dear Prospective Homeowner:

In the event you are considering purchase of a home that is new ("New") or
existing ("Not New"), the following tests will help you determine whether
the dwelling is structurally appropriate for teenagers. Please note that
these steps only simulate living with a teenager; nothing can actually
duplicate the experience, though spending five years running with wild dogs
might come close.

The "I'm Angry And So Is My Door" test: To determine whether your interior
doors can withstand the temper tantrums of teenagers, repeatedly slam a
small bedroom door with a force somewhere between "Sledgehammer" and "Train
Wreck." If it helps you get in the mood, feel free to shout "I hate you!"
while doing so. After twenty-nine such slams (an average week's worth)
check the foundation for cracks. If no fissures are evident, you aren't
slamming the door hard enough.

The "I DID Clean My Room" test: Take two baskets of dirty clothes and two
baskets of clean clothes and distribute them chaotically throughout a
bedroom. Can you see carpet? If you can see carpet, add more
clothes. When you cannot see any carpet, add more clothes. Then stand in
the middle of the room and shout "I can't find anything to wear!"

The "Why Does It Matter If I Can't Hear You I'm Not Going To Listen Anyway"
test: Place a CD in a stereo and turn up the volume as high as it will
go. Repeat this with more stereos in each bedroom of the house. When the
decibel level exceeds that of the launch of a space shuttle, open any
unbroken windows and see whether your neighbors complain. If they don't,
you need either (a) more stereos or (b) different neighbors. You simply
cannot fully appreciate the Living-with-Teenagers Experience if your
neighbors don't complain about your children.

The "But I Had To Rinse My Hair" test: Fully drain your hot-water tank,
then try to take a shower because you're late to a meeting. Next, place a
kitchen timer in the bathroom with a note saying "ABSOLUTELY NO SHOWERS
LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES," then ignore the note and drain the hot-water
tank exactly as before and pretend you're late for another meeting. Repeat
this test until you become accustomed to cold showers in the morning.

The "Doesn't Anybody Check the Pockets in This Stupid Family?" test: Place
a lipstick in the pocket of a pair of pants and then do a load of
laundry. If all the clothing comes out stained, It Isn't Her Fault. If
the clothing does not come out stained, repeat the test until it does. For
the full Teenage Experience, repeat the test every three weeks or so for
five years.

The "Why Can't We Just Order a Pizza?" test: Fill the refrigerator with
food, then stand in front of it with the door open and shriek "There's
nothing to eat in this house!"

The "Why Can't I Stay Out Later than Midnight No One Else Has Such a Stupid
Curfew!" test: This test has two stages. In stage one, scream the title
of the test loudly and stomp your foot as hard as you can. If this hurts
your foot, try simulating the impact by dropping a cement block from a
helicopter. In stage two, drive an automobile at high speed through the
neighborhood, pulling into your driveway at fifty miles an hour at one
minute before midnight. Park the car with the interior dark for half an
hour while the father of the house paces frantically in front of the
window. Flick lights on and off several times. Repeat this process every
weekend for as long as you live in the house.

The "I AM Doing My Homework" test: Turn on the television, then lie on the
floor in front of it, talking on the telephone.

The "It Wasn't a Party, I Just Had Some Friends Over!" test: Leave town
for a weekend. When you come back, check to see if the house is still
standing.

If the structure passes all of the tests, you can live in it with
teenagers. The question is, why would you want to?

hUMOR For August 3rd

********************************
Visiting List
A Catholic priest I once knew went to the hospital to visit patients. Stopping at the nurse's station, he carefully looked over the patient roster and jotted down the room number of everyone who had "Cath" written boldly next to his name. That, he told me, was a big mistake. When I asked why, he replied, "It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it ill behooves any of us to find fault with the rest of us." - James Truslow Adams
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Remembrance
The staff at a business office was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the retiring 'guest of honor' into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.
The office workers were not prepared for the glares they received from passers-by, however. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message: "GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN."
********************************YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no ..9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a ..9 on this list. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
********************************
TO THE WONDERFUL WOMEN IN MY CIRCLE


When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of
one best friend, and then I started to become a woman.

And then I found out that if you allow your heart to
open up, God would show you the best in many friends.

One friend is needed when you're going through things
with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through
things with your mom.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt,
joke, or just be.

One friend will say let's pray together, another let's
cry together, another let's fight together, another
let's walk away together.

One friend will meet your spiritual need; another,
your shoe fetish; another, your love for movies;
another will be with you in your season of confusion;
another will be your clarifier; another, the wind
beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life, on
whatever the occasion, on whatever the day, or
wherever you need them to meet you with their gym
shoes on and hair pulled back, or to hold you back
from making a complete fool of yourself...those are
your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman, but for many
it's wrapped up in several...one from 7th grade, one
from high school, several from the college years, a
couple from old jobs, several from church, on some
days your mother, on some days your neighbor, on
others your sisters, and on some days your daughters.
********************************
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Virginia, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus. 5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK...They will Git er Done!
********************************
Changed Meaning

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up
suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she
isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to
want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she
was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,'
so I made it 'risk.'"

hUMOR For Aug. 2nd

********************************
Jack's Will
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's last will and testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
********************************
Oneliner.
"The real reason Grandparents and Grandkids get along with each other so well is that they both have a common nemesis."
********************************
CleanPun. - Oval Office
One day, the president of the United States was sitting in the Oval Office reading a newspaper to catch on that day's current events. All of a sudden, one of his secret service men burst through the door with a long bull whip in his hand. The president looks at him and thinks, "Ok!", but tries to ignore him, thinking it's some kind of gag. The secret service man then begans to take that bull whip and begins "cracking" it, and walking around the president's desk. The president looks up and asks him what he's doing, but the secret service agent ignores him and goes, "Uh, hum" but keeps cracking the whip as he walks around the presidents desk. The president gets enough and yells at the secret service agent, "BY EXECUTIVE ORDER, I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING!" The secret service agent sheepishly looks up at him and says, "Sir, I'm just beating around the Bush!"
********************************
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."

An obviously distraught student came into the consulting
office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.

He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.

He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"
********************************
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a goober went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then he said, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
The goober replied, "Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the goober supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.
The goober looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" said the sheriff.
So, the goober wandered over to the beauty parlor where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The goober was exultant. "It went great! My first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
********************************
FIREARMS REFRESHER
COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a
subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the
phone.

3. Glock: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled
words.

7. Free Men Do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All
Rights reserved.

11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case they
ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one
yesterday.

14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.

15. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no
peace nor safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs
safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens
tries to control them..

22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight
for.

23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make
more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms,
you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened
with gun control.

26. ".. A government of the PEOPLE, by the PEOPLE, for
the PEOPLE..."
********************************
lenty Cryptic After All

A minor e-mail virus infestation hits the group that this network
technician is responsible for, and after cleaning up the mess he decides
it's time for new passwords all around, just to be safe.

Most of the group works in the same location, so he just takes a walk
around the office, whispering the new password to each user.

But one woman is at a remote site. The tech can't reach her by phone, and
he's leery of sending her new password in unencrypted e-mail.

Finally, he hits on an idea. He begins the e-mail message by explaining the
password change.

Then he writes: "And your new password is: (the last name of our intern
from that hot country) followed by the digits of (the number of points our
basketball team scored in our last game)."

Very clever, he figures -- it's information only someone in the group would
know.

Until he gets a reply message from the user: "I tried the password, but it
didn't work. Could you set it to something not so long and hard to type?
And are those parentheses important?"

hUMOR For July 1st

********************************
Southern Advice

If you are from the northern states and planning on
visiting or moving to the South, there are a few
things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has
'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle
Houses.

The North has dating services, The South has family
reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee
Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names, The South has double
first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance.


The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car
races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard
greens.

The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible
Belt.

AND If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow
chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them,
just stay out of their way. This is what they live
for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in
the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural,
and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are
ya?"

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or
child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!"
and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are
saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective
"big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners
begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All
of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no
longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense
here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this," you should stay out of the way. These are
likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of
even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence
is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't
matter whether you need anything or not. You just have
to go there.

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the
middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to
drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed
and position for that vehicle.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own
their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and
their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow
a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it
a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all,
if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call
'em biscuits.

Have a good day!
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Outstanding In His Field

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of
grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road
and notices that the farmer is just standing there,
doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of
the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks
him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled?

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who
are out standing in their field."
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A young blonde lady had the windows in her house
replaced with new double insulated energy efficient
windows.

Twelve months later she gets a call from the
contractor, complaining that the work has been done
for a year and she has yet to make the first payment.

The blonde replies, "Now don't try to pull a fast one
on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in
one year they would pay for themselves".
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Does anyone think our Heavenly Father doesn't have a sense of humor? I recently read the following story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc., but the kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke The tree went "boing!"and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to yourkeeping," and went on about his business.A few days later he was at the grocery store, andmet one of his church members. He happened tolook into her shopping cart and was amazed tosee cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it,so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat foodwhen you hate cats so much?"She replied, "You won't believe this," and thentold him how her little girl had been begging herfor a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out inthe yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread,and landed right in front of her." Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor!
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Out of Fuel
Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the Newark airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I'm parked on the south ramp. I just wanted to know where the fuel truck is."