********************************
Coverup Catch
This guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
********************************
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bird's legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.
The student looked at each of the birds legs. They all
looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed
up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?"
With that he threw his test down on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name; as the student reached the door, the professor called out, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Subject: Roe V. Wade.......USC Blonde
Version
Bambi, the blonde in her fourth year as a freshman at
USC, sat in her Political Science class. The professor
asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi thought a moment, then answered, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make when he decided
to cross the Delaware."
********************************
I promised my wife a mink for her birthday -- if she
would promise to keep his cage clean.
********************************
If you take an Chinese person, close his eyes and spin
him around several times, does he become disoriented?
********************************
The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.
********************************
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two
weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
********************************
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After
the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can
a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed
that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?" "Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to
do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4
worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
********************************
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy
suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided
to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church
on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to
stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
********************************
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer
at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes,
as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
********************************
A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a
sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
********************************
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her
mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money
now, will he let us go?"
********************************
After the Christening of his baby brother in church,
little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat
of the car. His father asked him three times what was
wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want
to stay with you guys!"
********************************
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures
of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by
Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
********************************
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me
frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a
good cook."
********************************
A college drama group presented a play in which one
character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I
descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull
a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character
would plunge through. The play was well received. When
the actor playing the part became ill, another actor
who was quite overweight took his place. When the new
actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but
became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the
rope could make him descend. One student in the
balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is
full!"
********************************
Withdrawal
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After
several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would
hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed ... and he was back to jumping
on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again,
were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's
so hard to quit."
Friday, July 15, 2005
Thursday, July 14, 2005
hUMOR For July 14th
********************************
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything
she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or less.
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
********************************
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to
work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to
do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a
living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag
was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How some golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of
the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size
six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of
those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government.
This is soooTRUE! The worst drivers have signs
like
"Baby on Board"... etc.
Subject: A logical mistake.
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed
out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light
turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk,
even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to
get through the intersection. As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up
into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her
hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed
in
a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached
the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back
to the booking desk where the arresting officer was
waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your
horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose
Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus
Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian
fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
********************************
THE LIVING DEAD
The following two military stories are reported to be
true:
A young lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the
peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land
mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we
do happen to step on a mine, sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in
the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
********************************
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep
got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging
around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them
under the wheels to give us some traction."
********************************
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT
CAN'T
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're
full of baloney.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you
people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message..
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand
a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the mess-up fairy has visited us
again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just
don't give a hoot.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over
your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial
misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged
by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't
mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine
is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny- opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with
fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most
of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a
door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door
#1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is
done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just
wanted pay checks.
********************************
New Preacher
As a new minister, I wanted my first holiday services
to be both attractive and meaningful.
The Christmas Eve service included a candle-lighting
ceremony in which each congregant lit a candle from
his neighbor's candle. At the conclusion of the
ceremony, the congregation sat hushed, pondering the
beauty of the moment.
I rose to announce a hymn and was taken completely by
surprise when laughter broke out in response to my
invitation:
"Now that everyone is lit, let's sing joy to the
world."
********************************
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours
the call center is open.
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the
technician who answers the call.
Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything
she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or less.
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
********************************
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to
work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to
do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a
living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag
was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How some golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of
the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size
six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of
those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government.
This is soooTRUE! The worst drivers have signs
like
"Baby on Board"... etc.
Subject: A logical mistake.
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed
out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light
turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk,
even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to
get through the intersection. As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up
into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her
hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed
in
a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached
the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back
to the booking desk where the arresting officer was
waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your
horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose
Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus
Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian
fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
********************************
THE LIVING DEAD
The following two military stories are reported to be
true:
A young lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the
peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land
mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we
do happen to step on a mine, sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in
the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
********************************
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep
got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging
around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them
under the wheels to give us some traction."
********************************
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT
CAN'T
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're
full of baloney.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you
people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message..
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand
a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the mess-up fairy has visited us
again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just
don't give a hoot.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over
your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial
misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged
by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't
mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine
is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny- opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with
fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most
of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a
door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door
#1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is
done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just
wanted pay checks.
********************************
New Preacher
As a new minister, I wanted my first holiday services
to be both attractive and meaningful.
The Christmas Eve service included a candle-lighting
ceremony in which each congregant lit a candle from
his neighbor's candle. At the conclusion of the
ceremony, the congregation sat hushed, pondering the
beauty of the moment.
I rose to announce a hymn and was taken completely by
surprise when laughter broke out in response to my
invitation:
"Now that everyone is lit, let's sing joy to the
world."
********************************
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours
the call center is open.
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the
technician who answers the call.
Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
hUMOR For July 13th
********************************
Since we kinda picked on women yesterday, it's the guys
turn. :)
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These
men usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is
involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they
grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've
never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
********************************
Hymns
One Sunday a preacher told the congregation that the
church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the preacher
glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank
the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to
come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the
preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she
gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out
three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the
congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in
the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
him!"
********************************
Hymns
One Sunday a preacher told the congregation that the
church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the preacher
glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank
the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to
come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the
preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she
gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out
three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the
congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in
the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
him!".
********************************
"R" Troubles
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.
To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"When you're young is the time to learn to laugh at trouble -- so you'll have something to laugh at when you are old."
********************************
Military Chat
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew
on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One
day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was
surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir,"
the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's
like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several
feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"
Since we kinda picked on women yesterday, it's the guys
turn. :)
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These
men usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is
involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they
grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've
never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
********************************
Hymns
One Sunday a preacher told the congregation that the
church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the preacher
glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank
the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to
come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the
preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she
gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out
three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the
congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in
the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
him!"
********************************
Hymns
One Sunday a preacher told the congregation that the
church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the preacher
glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank
the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to
come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the
preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she
gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out
three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the
congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in
the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
him!".
********************************
"R" Troubles
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.
To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"When you're young is the time to learn to laugh at trouble -- so you'll have something to laugh at when you are old."
********************************
Military Chat
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew
on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One
day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was
surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir,"
the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's
like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several
feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
hUMOR For July 12th
********************************
Rental Description
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving.
I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."
After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Change is inevitable....except from vending machines."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Stained Glass
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"
********************************
FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is a half an hour. It is equivalent to
the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your
toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a
woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down,
and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that
will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or
"do what you want because I don't care." You will get a
raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman
is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say
you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT: This is much different from ‘THANKS." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be care not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Oh Nothing."
********************************
Office Pranks for the Summer
1. Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "You're an idiot." They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
2. Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc. before they realize what has happened.
3. Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it, sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit.
4. This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
5. Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto-play when windows first starts up. The person starting up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
6. This is for that special person you just can't stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal email all day. Go into their email and change their defaults to automatically blind copy their boss. Heads will roll.
7. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf. Wait about three weeks and switch to espresso.
8. Try password securing someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to scrolling marquee and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats beans" or something to that effect.
9. Pop out the "m" and "n" key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two.Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
10. With someone who is on the phone a lot during work. This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
And finally...
11. Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc. before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.
********************************
Parachute Error
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air
National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47.
The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I
opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm
response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is
yours."
Rental Description
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving.
I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."
After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Change is inevitable....except from vending machines."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Stained Glass
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"
********************************
FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is a half an hour. It is equivalent to
the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your
toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a
woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down,
and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that
will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or
"do what you want because I don't care." You will get a
raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman
is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say
you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT: This is much different from ‘THANKS." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be care not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Oh Nothing."
********************************
Office Pranks for the Summer
1. Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "You're an idiot." They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
2. Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc. before they realize what has happened.
3. Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it, sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit.
4. This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
5. Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto-play when windows first starts up. The person starting up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
6. This is for that special person you just can't stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal email all day. Go into their email and change their defaults to automatically blind copy their boss. Heads will roll.
7. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf. Wait about three weeks and switch to espresso.
8. Try password securing someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to scrolling marquee and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats beans" or something to that effect.
9. Pop out the "m" and "n" key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two.Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
10. With someone who is on the phone a lot during work. This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
And finally...
11. Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc. before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.
********************************
Parachute Error
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air
National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47.
The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I
opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm
response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is
yours."
Monday, July 11, 2005
hUMOR For July 11th
********************************
HEY, JUST HOW OLD ARE YOU?
My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he
brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the
bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no
idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt
shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat
on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes
with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am
old.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with
nothing - and that was the closest our country has
ever been to being even." --Will Rogers
********************************
LEARNING FROM CHILDREN
The following are some "Important Things I've Learned
>From Kids" (author unknown):
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the
couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and
haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a
sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog,
make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've
finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a
horse.
13. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
14. Making your bed is a waste of time.
15. There is no good reason why clothes have to
match.
16. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he
absolutely had to.
17. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you
hate to brake on the way down.
18. You can't ask to start over just because you're
losing the game.
It's an interesting collection of advice. Some of it
translates into good spiritual advice (#4, #13), some
of it doesn't (#2, #6). That's to be expected because
there are some aspects of childhood that we should
imitate (purity, humility, trust) and other aspects
that we should not (self-centeredness, ignorance, stubbornness).
In the scriptures, sometimes children are held up as
examples to us (Matt. 18:3-4) and sometimes those who
are like children are rebuked (Heb.5:12-14). And
sometimes both occur in the same verse (1 Cor. 14:20).
May we seek to add those beautiful "childlike"
qualities while seeking to mature and outgrow those
"childish" traits. Have a great day!
********************************
LEARNING FROM CHILDREN
The following are some "Important Things I've Learned
>From Kids" (author unknown):
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the
couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and
haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a
sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog,
make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've
finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a
horse.
13. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
14. Making your bed is a waste of time.
15. There is no good reason why clothes have to
match.
16. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he
absolutely had to.
17. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you
hate to brake on the way down.
18. You can't ask to start over just because you're
losing the game.
It's an interesting collection of advice. Some of it
translates into good spiritual advice (#4, #13), some
of it doesn't (#2, #6). That's to be expected because
there are some aspects of childhood that we should
imitate (purity, humility, trust) and other aspects
that we should not (self-centeredness, ignorance, stubbornness).
In the scriptures, sometimes children are held up as
examples to us (Matt. 18:3-4) and sometimes those who
are like children are rebuked (Heb.5:12-14). And
sometimes both occur in the same verse (1 Cor. 14:20).
May we seek to add those beautiful "childlike"
qualities while seeking to mature and outgrow those
"childish" traits. Have a great day!
********************************
My Dog At It
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning That was about half the usual length of his sermons.
He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said,
"Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!"
HEY, JUST HOW OLD ARE YOU?
My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he
brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the
bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no
idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt
shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat
on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes
with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am
old.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with
nothing - and that was the closest our country has
ever been to being even." --Will Rogers
********************************
LEARNING FROM CHILDREN
The following are some "Important Things I've Learned
>From Kids" (author unknown):
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the
couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and
haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a
sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog,
make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've
finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a
horse.
13. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
14. Making your bed is a waste of time.
15. There is no good reason why clothes have to
match.
16. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he
absolutely had to.
17. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you
hate to brake on the way down.
18. You can't ask to start over just because you're
losing the game.
It's an interesting collection of advice. Some of it
translates into good spiritual advice (#4, #13), some
of it doesn't (#2, #6). That's to be expected because
there are some aspects of childhood that we should
imitate (purity, humility, trust) and other aspects
that we should not (self-centeredness, ignorance, stubbornness).
In the scriptures, sometimes children are held up as
examples to us (Matt. 18:3-4) and sometimes those who
are like children are rebuked (Heb.5:12-14). And
sometimes both occur in the same verse (1 Cor. 14:20).
May we seek to add those beautiful "childlike"
qualities while seeking to mature and outgrow those
"childish" traits. Have a great day!
********************************
LEARNING FROM CHILDREN
The following are some "Important Things I've Learned
>From Kids" (author unknown):
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the
couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and
haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a
sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog,
make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've
finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a
horse.
13. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
14. Making your bed is a waste of time.
15. There is no good reason why clothes have to
match.
16. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he
absolutely had to.
17. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you
hate to brake on the way down.
18. You can't ask to start over just because you're
losing the game.
It's an interesting collection of advice. Some of it
translates into good spiritual advice (#4, #13), some
of it doesn't (#2, #6). That's to be expected because
there are some aspects of childhood that we should
imitate (purity, humility, trust) and other aspects
that we should not (self-centeredness, ignorance, stubbornness).
In the scriptures, sometimes children are held up as
examples to us (Matt. 18:3-4) and sometimes those who
are like children are rebuked (Heb.5:12-14). And
sometimes both occur in the same verse (1 Cor. 14:20).
May we seek to add those beautiful "childlike"
qualities while seeking to mature and outgrow those
"childish" traits. Have a great day!
********************************
My Dog At It
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning That was about half the usual length of his sermons.
He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said,
"Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!"
Sunday, July 10, 2005
hUMOR For July 10th
********************************
How Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and
asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up
the other finger."
********************************
Dog Stop
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention."
********************************
The Invitation
A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi
for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the
Captain was more than a little surprised to receive
the following letter from the wife of a wealthy
plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming-of-age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a
rap at the door.
She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four
exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw
hit the floor, but pulling herself together she
stammered, "There must be some mistake!"
"Oh no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain
Martinez doesn't make mistakes."
********************************
Norwegian Blonde Joke
You have to have lived in snow country to appreciate
this one.
A truck stops at a red light and a blonde catches up.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the
window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Kristina and
you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
The trucker stops for another red light and the girl
again catches up. She knocks on the door and the
trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is
Kristina and you are losing some of your load!" He
ignores her again and continues down the street. The
trucker stops for still another red light and the
girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on
the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again
she says, "Hi, y name is Kristina and you are losing
some of your load!"
He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then
stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches
the blonde girl and says: "Hi, my name is Kevin and I
am driving a SALT TRUCK!"
********************************
The Pope...
The Pope was finishing his sermon and ended it with
the Latin phrase, "Tuti Hominus" -- Blessed be
mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next
day. They said we noticed that the Pope blessed all
mankind, but not womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by
saying, "Tuti Hominus et tuti Feminus." Blessed be
mankind and womankind.
The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said they noticed that he blessed mankind and
womankind and asked if he could also bless all us
gays. The Pope said, "Sure." The next day he concluded
his sermon with: "Tuti hominus et tuti Feminus et Tuti
Fruity"
How Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and
asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up
the other finger."
********************************
Dog Stop
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention."
********************************
The Invitation
A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi
for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the
Captain was more than a little surprised to receive
the following letter from the wife of a wealthy
plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming-of-age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a
rap at the door.
She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four
exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw
hit the floor, but pulling herself together she
stammered, "There must be some mistake!"
"Oh no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain
Martinez doesn't make mistakes."
********************************
Norwegian Blonde Joke
You have to have lived in snow country to appreciate
this one.
A truck stops at a red light and a blonde catches up.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the
window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Kristina and
you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
The trucker stops for another red light and the girl
again catches up. She knocks on the door and the
trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is
Kristina and you are losing some of your load!" He
ignores her again and continues down the street. The
trucker stops for still another red light and the
girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on
the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again
she says, "Hi, y name is Kristina and you are losing
some of your load!"
He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then
stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches
the blonde girl and says: "Hi, my name is Kevin and I
am driving a SALT TRUCK!"
********************************
The Pope...
The Pope was finishing his sermon and ended it with
the Latin phrase, "Tuti Hominus" -- Blessed be
mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next
day. They said we noticed that the Pope blessed all
mankind, but not womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by
saying, "Tuti Hominus et tuti Feminus." Blessed be
mankind and womankind.
The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said they noticed that he blessed mankind and
womankind and asked if he could also bless all us
gays. The Pope said, "Sure." The next day he concluded
his sermon with: "Tuti hominus et tuti Feminus et Tuti
Fruity"
Saturday, July 09, 2005
hUMOR For July 9th
********************************
The Girl of His Dreams
A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he
had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to
dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
********************************
Wooden Bayonet
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it."
The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where on earth is the ceiling?!'"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Star Wars Eating
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a hard time, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
********************************
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the
Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
Darwin Award Winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for
his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his
Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably,
he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store,
a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor
home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these
with your friends and family ... unless of course one of
these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
********************************
Older Than Dirt Quiz
Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones
you were told about! The Ratings are at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard
stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (ESsex 3 -
2654) My Folks actual Phone Number when I was a kid
living in Bremerton.
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0- 05 = You're still young
6-10 =You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age,
16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends.
********************************
Simpler times
(Under 40, you won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good night, David; Good night, Chet."
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right
Life was better in black and white!
********************************
THAT FIRST KISS
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his
favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he
decides to try for that important first kiss. With an
air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout
a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will
see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the
girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair
disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad
says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it.
Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But
for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the
intercom button!"
The Girl of His Dreams
A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he
had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to
dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
********************************
Wooden Bayonet
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it."
The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where on earth is the ceiling?!'"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Star Wars Eating
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a hard time, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
********************************
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the
Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
Darwin Award Winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for
his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his
Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably,
he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store,
a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor
home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these
with your friends and family ... unless of course one of
these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
********************************
Older Than Dirt Quiz
Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones
you were told about! The Ratings are at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard
stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (ESsex 3 -
2654) My Folks actual Phone Number when I was a kid
living in Bremerton.
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0- 05 = You're still young
6-10 =You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age,
16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends.
********************************
Simpler times
(Under 40, you won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good night, David; Good night, Chet."
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right
Life was better in black and white!
********************************
THAT FIRST KISS
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his
favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he
decides to try for that important first kiss. With an
air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout
a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will
see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the
girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair
disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad
says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it.
Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But
for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the
intercom button!"
Friday, July 08, 2005
hUMOR For July 8th
********************************
Tax Colors
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
********************************
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys
in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the
light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm
bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs
in a little circle ...
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and
he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE
MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
********************************
Letters of Recommendation
How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don't Really Mean
=================================================================
THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious
qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have
eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job
applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents
are negative.
THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to
state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while
allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer
uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the
phrases are virtually litigation-proof.
1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
"In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very
fortunate to get this person to work for you."
2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."
3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow
workers:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be
better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
5. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."
********************************
FUNNIES ~
1.A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is
two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In
feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it
off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll
show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blown apart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge
it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find
the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it
taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never
developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium
at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a
mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair
she thought she'd
dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.
********************************
The Shepherd
A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture
when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out
of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped. The
driver, a 24-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned
out of the window and asked our shepherd, "If I can
tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his
peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure."
The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can
take one of my sheep," said the shepherd. The shepherd
watched the man make a selection and bundle it into
his Cherokee.
When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can
tell you exactly what your political persuasion is,
where you're from and who you work for, will you give
me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not," answered the young man.
"You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working
for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," said the young man. "How did
you ever guess that?"
"Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but
you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for
providing a solution to a question I already knew the
answer to. And, you don't know squat about what
you're doing because you just took my dog!"
********************************
What Kind of Bone Are You?
It's been said that the "body" of a church has four
kinds of bones:
The WISHbones -- those who wish someone else would do
all the work.
the JAWbones -- who do all the talking and very
little else.
The KNUCKLEbones -- who knock everything anyone else
tries to do.
The BACKbones --who get under the load and get the
work done.
Which one are you???
********************************
Aunty Karen
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at
the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one
by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot
of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs
to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup
when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs
went flying and broke and made a mess."
What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our
family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the
meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when
they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, don't count your chickens
before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a
story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt
Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert
Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until
she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more
with the machete till the blade broke. And then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind
of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible
story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
Tax Colors
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
********************************
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys
in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the
light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm
bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs
in a little circle ...
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and
he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE
MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
********************************
Letters of Recommendation
How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don't Really Mean
=================================================================
THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious
qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have
eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job
applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents
are negative.
THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to
state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while
allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer
uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the
phrases are virtually litigation-proof.
1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
"In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very
fortunate to get this person to work for you."
2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."
3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow
workers:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be
better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
5. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."
********************************
FUNNIES ~
1.A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is
two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In
feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it
off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll
show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blown apart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge
it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find
the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it
taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never
developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium
at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a
mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair
she thought she'd
dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.
********************************
The Shepherd
A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture
when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out
of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped. The
driver, a 24-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned
out of the window and asked our shepherd, "If I can
tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his
peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure."
The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can
take one of my sheep," said the shepherd. The shepherd
watched the man make a selection and bundle it into
his Cherokee.
When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can
tell you exactly what your political persuasion is,
where you're from and who you work for, will you give
me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not," answered the young man.
"You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working
for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," said the young man. "How did
you ever guess that?"
"Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but
you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for
providing a solution to a question I already knew the
answer to. And, you don't know squat about what
you're doing because you just took my dog!"
********************************
What Kind of Bone Are You?
It's been said that the "body" of a church has four
kinds of bones:
The WISHbones -- those who wish someone else would do
all the work.
the JAWbones -- who do all the talking and very
little else.
The KNUCKLEbones -- who knock everything anyone else
tries to do.
The BACKbones --who get under the load and get the
work done.
Which one are you???
********************************
Aunty Karen
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at
the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one
by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot
of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs
to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup
when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs
went flying and broke and made a mess."
What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our
family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the
meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when
they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, don't count your chickens
before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a
story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt
Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert
Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until
she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more
with the machete till the blade broke. And then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind
of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible
story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
Thursday, July 07, 2005
hUMOR For July 7th
********************************
Multiple Listings
In the world of Real Estate, there are some pretty strange things on the
printouts from our local Multiple Listings Service -- descriptions of
properties for sale in our area. A typo here, missed punctuation there or
just plain bad phrasing can change the entire meaning of a 'sales pitch'.
Here are some examples:
"Three bedroom one bath fireplace."
"Room for horses, cowchickens."
"Back of home faces eighteen home championship golf course."
"New art-deco bath & more. Near everything. Kitchen curtains do not say."
"House backs up to one year round creek." (Big creek!)
"Walkin pantry." (Where's it walkin' to?)
"Country home with 2nd unit. Horse set up extra garage." (That's one SMART
horse!)
"Five bedroom septic. Owners anxious." (I bet!)
"Septic built for granny." (What a nice family.)
"Huge veranda for those balby summer evenings." (Love those balby evenings,
don't you?)
********************************
Stain Glass
An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the children's message. Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realize why everyone was laughing so hard.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Never use a humongous word where a diminutive one will suffice."
********************************
Frisbee Pun
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get.
Then it hit me.
********************************
An IRS agent stepped into a synagogue looking for the rabbi. "Rabbi," he said when he found him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"
"Well, yes, I do," said the rabbi.
"Is he a member of your congregation?" asked the agent.
"Uh, yes, he is," said the rabbi, "why do you ask?"
"I'm from the IRS. Can you tell me something? Did he make
the $100,000 donation to the synagogue, that he claimed on
his tax return?" asked the IRS agent.
"I would have to check our records," replied the rabbi, "but
if he hasn't, I can assure you that he will!"
********************************
Woman wants to be
six again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the
morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and
early and off they went to a local theme park. What a
day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death
Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -
everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she
staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and
her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they
went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along
with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars
epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What
a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over
and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like
being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant
my dress size." The moral of this story is: If a
woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will
still get it wrong.
********************************
Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?" The first kid says, "a circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
Multiple Listings
In the world of Real Estate, there are some pretty strange things on the
printouts from our local Multiple Listings Service -- descriptions of
properties for sale in our area. A typo here, missed punctuation there or
just plain bad phrasing can change the entire meaning of a 'sales pitch'.
Here are some examples:
"Three bedroom one bath fireplace."
"Room for horses, cowchickens."
"Back of home faces eighteen home championship golf course."
"New art-deco bath & more. Near everything. Kitchen curtains do not say."
"House backs up to one year round creek." (Big creek!)
"Walkin pantry." (Where's it walkin' to?)
"Country home with 2nd unit. Horse set up extra garage." (That's one SMART
horse!)
"Five bedroom septic. Owners anxious." (I bet!)
"Septic built for granny." (What a nice family.)
"Huge veranda for those balby summer evenings." (Love those balby evenings,
don't you?)
********************************
Stain Glass
An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the children's message. Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realize why everyone was laughing so hard.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Never use a humongous word where a diminutive one will suffice."
********************************
Frisbee Pun
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get.
Then it hit me.
********************************
An IRS agent stepped into a synagogue looking for the rabbi. "Rabbi," he said when he found him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"
"Well, yes, I do," said the rabbi.
"Is he a member of your congregation?" asked the agent.
"Uh, yes, he is," said the rabbi, "why do you ask?"
"I'm from the IRS. Can you tell me something? Did he make
the $100,000 donation to the synagogue, that he claimed on
his tax return?" asked the IRS agent.
"I would have to check our records," replied the rabbi, "but
if he hasn't, I can assure you that he will!"
********************************
Woman wants to be
six again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the
morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and
early and off they went to a local theme park. What a
day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death
Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -
everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she
staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and
her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they
went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along
with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars
epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What
a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over
and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like
being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant
my dress size." The moral of this story is: If a
woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will
still get it wrong.
********************************
Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?" The first kid says, "a circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
hUMOR For July 6th
********************************
You Know It's Hot Outside When
You Know It's Hot Outside When...
**you ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible
** you've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man
** the swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra tasty crispy"
** the strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper
** your pool water starts to boil in the sun
** the hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot
** pigs complain about sweating like fat humans
** a scalding hot shower still cools you down
** people walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames
** a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants
** the politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves
** you need a spatula to remove your clothing
** you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather
** you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!
** you are sitting inside reading these jokes
** your brother's braces make blisters on his lips
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce."
********************************
Conviction
After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench.
"Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.
Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."
********************************
While I was driving my daughter home from kindergarten,
Melody Raye started trying to get me to look at the numerous crayon drawings she'd made that day. After trying to keep the car between the ditches while looking at the drawings, I told her I would look at the rest later because right now I had to watch the road. She immediately put a drawing in front of my face and said, "You look, Daddy; I'll watch the road for you."
When our grandchildren were visiting late last summer, they went out to catch lightning bugs one night. As 3-year-old Carl put one in a jar, he looked up at me and asked, "Grandma, what size batteries do these bugs take?"
********************************
First Man
A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible
was.
"Hoss." said Willie.
"Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."
"Aw, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."
********************************
Cowboys Night Out
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the
posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and
noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir,
but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager."
The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly
back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they
summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
********************************
SPARE CHANGE
A bum asked a man on the street for $5.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum
replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies,
"No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again
the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my
wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink,
gamble or play golf?"
********************************
Top Ten for Dads
Top 10 Ways to Intimidate Your Daughter's Date When He
Comes to Pick Her Up
10. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she
leaves. Explain, "It makes fingerprinting easier."
9. Challenge him at arm wrestling.
8. Introduce him to your good friend Ken Starr.
7. Walk on stilts.
6. Casually show him your collection of five shrunken
heads, then yell up to your daughter, "Number six is
here."
5. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.
4. Introduce him to the family by calling each family
member to the living room using a whistle, then making
them stand at attention and salute.
3. Answer the door in a straight jacket.
2. As they leave, talk into a walkie-talkie, "Subject
is wearing khakis and a blue polo shirt, driving a
green ford."
1. Say, "Let's pray."
The Top 10 Tips for Fathers on Changing Diapers
10. Always use protective eye wear.
9. If you need a third hand, use your teeth!
8. Avoid changing baby on new Persian rug.
7. Reach finger down back of diaper to see if there's a "doodie."
6. When you run out of baby oil, use Old Spice.
5. Insure proper ventilation, avoid open flames.
4. Always feed baby lots of apricots 3 to 4 hours prior.
3. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, scratch and sniff.
2. Be careful with high-pressure spray nozzles on baby.
1. Just wait until your wife gets home and let her do it!
You Know It's Hot Outside When
You Know It's Hot Outside When...
**you ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible
** you've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man
** the swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra tasty crispy"
** the strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper
** your pool water starts to boil in the sun
** the hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot
** pigs complain about sweating like fat humans
** a scalding hot shower still cools you down
** people walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames
** a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants
** the politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves
** you need a spatula to remove your clothing
** you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather
** you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!
** you are sitting inside reading these jokes
** your brother's braces make blisters on his lips
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce."
********************************
Conviction
After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench.
"Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.
Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."
********************************
While I was driving my daughter home from kindergarten,
Melody Raye started trying to get me to look at the numerous crayon drawings she'd made that day. After trying to keep the car between the ditches while looking at the drawings, I told her I would look at the rest later because right now I had to watch the road. She immediately put a drawing in front of my face and said, "You look, Daddy; I'll watch the road for you."
When our grandchildren were visiting late last summer, they went out to catch lightning bugs one night. As 3-year-old Carl put one in a jar, he looked up at me and asked, "Grandma, what size batteries do these bugs take?"
********************************
First Man
A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible
was.
"Hoss." said Willie.
"Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."
"Aw, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."
********************************
Cowboys Night Out
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the
posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and
noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir,
but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager."
The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly
back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they
summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
********************************
SPARE CHANGE
A bum asked a man on the street for $5.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum
replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies,
"No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again
the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my
wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink,
gamble or play golf?"
********************************
Top Ten for Dads
Top 10 Ways to Intimidate Your Daughter's Date When He
Comes to Pick Her Up
10. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she
leaves. Explain, "It makes fingerprinting easier."
9. Challenge him at arm wrestling.
8. Introduce him to your good friend Ken Starr.
7. Walk on stilts.
6. Casually show him your collection of five shrunken
heads, then yell up to your daughter, "Number six is
here."
5. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.
4. Introduce him to the family by calling each family
member to the living room using a whistle, then making
them stand at attention and salute.
3. Answer the door in a straight jacket.
2. As they leave, talk into a walkie-talkie, "Subject
is wearing khakis and a blue polo shirt, driving a
green ford."
1. Say, "Let's pray."
The Top 10 Tips for Fathers on Changing Diapers
10. Always use protective eye wear.
9. If you need a third hand, use your teeth!
8. Avoid changing baby on new Persian rug.
7. Reach finger down back of diaper to see if there's a "doodie."
6. When you run out of baby oil, use Old Spice.
5. Insure proper ventilation, avoid open flames.
4. Always feed baby lots of apricots 3 to 4 hours prior.
3. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, scratch and sniff.
2. Be careful with high-pressure spray nozzles on baby.
1. Just wait until your wife gets home and let her do it!
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
hUMOR For July 5th
Letter From A Farm Kid
Letter from a farm kid, now at Paris Island Marine Corps recruit depot:
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"You know it's going to be a bad day when YOUR picture is on the milk carton."
********************************
Battle Re-enactment
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
********************************
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random.
When the phone is answered he asks,"Can I speak to Roger, please?""No! There's no one called Roger here."The person hangs up."That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time."No, there's no one here called Roger.Go away. Don't call again.""That's aggravation," says Dad.
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:"Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"
********************************
recious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
~ It is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
~ Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
~ Amazing Grace, Considering My Age
~ Just a Slower Walk with Thee
~ Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
~ Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
~ Give Me That Old Timers' Religion
~ Blessed Insurance
~ Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked
********************************
THE EYE-OPENER
As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped
you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words,
asking my opinion or thanking me for something good
that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed
you
were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to
wear.
When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew
there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say
hello, but you were to busy. At one point you had to
wait, fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in
a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought
you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and
called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I
watched patiently all day long.
With all your activities I guess you were too busy to
say anything to me. I noticed that before lunch you
looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to
me, that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced
three or four tables over and you noticed some of your
friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you
didn't. That's okay.
There is still more time left, and I hope that you
will talk to me yet. You went home and it seems as if
you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were
done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like
TV or not, just about anything goes there and you
spend a lot of time each day in front of it not
thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I
waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate
your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.
Bedtime--I guess you felt too tired. After you said
goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell
asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not
realize that I am always there for you. I've got
patience, more than you will ever know. I even want to
teach you how to be patient with others as well.
I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod,
prayer or thought or a thankful part of your heart. It
is hard to have a one-sided conversation.
Well, you are getting up once again. And once again I
will wait, with nothing but love for you. Hoping that
today you will give me some time.
Have a nice day! Your friend, GOD
******************************************************
Atheist's Prayer
As an atheist walked through the forest, he smiled at
the beauty that was all around him and said, "What
natural wonders the powers of evolution have created."
Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went
to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear was
tearing down the path towards him him. The man took
off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to
look back, he saw the bear was catching up fast.
He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace,
but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried
to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up
one paw to whack him.
The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!"
Time stopped! The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed
from the heavens, "You deny my existence for all of
these years, teach others I don't exist, and even
credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me
as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the
bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out, the river ran again, and the
sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear
dropped its right paw, brought both paws together,
bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am
truly thankful."
Letter from a farm kid, now at Paris Island Marine Corps recruit depot:
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"You know it's going to be a bad day when YOUR picture is on the milk carton."
********************************
Battle Re-enactment
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
********************************
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random.
When the phone is answered he asks,"Can I speak to Roger, please?""No! There's no one called Roger here."The person hangs up."That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time."No, there's no one here called Roger.Go away. Don't call again.""That's aggravation," says Dad.
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:"Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"
********************************
recious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
~ It is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
~ Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
~ Amazing Grace, Considering My Age
~ Just a Slower Walk with Thee
~ Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
~ Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
~ Give Me That Old Timers' Religion
~ Blessed Insurance
~ Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked
********************************
THE EYE-OPENER
As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped
you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words,
asking my opinion or thanking me for something good
that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed
you
were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to
wear.
When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew
there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say
hello, but you were to busy. At one point you had to
wait, fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in
a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought
you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and
called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I
watched patiently all day long.
With all your activities I guess you were too busy to
say anything to me. I noticed that before lunch you
looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to
me, that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced
three or four tables over and you noticed some of your
friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you
didn't. That's okay.
There is still more time left, and I hope that you
will talk to me yet. You went home and it seems as if
you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were
done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like
TV or not, just about anything goes there and you
spend a lot of time each day in front of it not
thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I
waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate
your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.
Bedtime--I guess you felt too tired. After you said
goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell
asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not
realize that I am always there for you. I've got
patience, more than you will ever know. I even want to
teach you how to be patient with others as well.
I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod,
prayer or thought or a thankful part of your heart. It
is hard to have a one-sided conversation.
Well, you are getting up once again. And once again I
will wait, with nothing but love for you. Hoping that
today you will give me some time.
Have a nice day! Your friend, GOD
******************************************************
Atheist's Prayer
As an atheist walked through the forest, he smiled at
the beauty that was all around him and said, "What
natural wonders the powers of evolution have created."
Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went
to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear was
tearing down the path towards him him. The man took
off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to
look back, he saw the bear was catching up fast.
He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace,
but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried
to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up
one paw to whack him.
The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!"
Time stopped! The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed
from the heavens, "You deny my existence for all of
these years, teach others I don't exist, and even
credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me
as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the
bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out, the river ran again, and the
sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear
dropped its right paw, brought both paws together,
bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am
truly thankful."
Monday, July 04, 2005
July 4th
********************************
Sweet Dreams
While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4
year old granddaughter.
One morning when she awoke, she told me she had some nice dreams and
proceeded to tell me about them.
I told her I wished that I was able to dream like she does.
She said, "But you can't, grandma, because you snore too much."
********************************
Chute Error
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is yours."
********************************
The Other Mark
Thunderstorms have rolled through the region, knocking out power
temporarily to some of the stores of this supermarket chain. So when a help
desk technician gets an emergency page from one store, he figures he knows
how to handle it.
Turns out it's not that easy. "When I called the store, a somewhat dippy
cashier answered the phone," he says. "The cash registers were all
off-line, and when I gave her what I thought were simple instructions to
restart the registers, she was having trouble understanding."
The flustered cashier just can't seem to get things working -- until the
tech gets an idea.
"At one point the phone clicked, and she told me it was an incoming call on
another line," he reports. "She clicked off and answered again right away."
"I said hi, it's Mark from the help desk."
She said, "Oh, hi! I have another guy from the help desk on the other line!
Can you help me out? I don't understand what he's telling me to do."
I replied, "That guy's name is Mark too, and he is the most knowledgeable
person in our department. Just take a deep breath, calm down and let him
help you get the registers back up."
Another click.
"Hello, is this Mark? I just had that other Mark on the other line. OK, now
tell me again what I need to do..."
********************************
1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.
3. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow
old because you stop laughing.
4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat are really good
friends.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. He who hesitates is probably right.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone
in mind to blame.
9. The purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
when he's really in trouble.
10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't a lot more people
happy?
12. Most of us go to our graves with our music still inside
us.
13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing is free yet?
14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.
15. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.
17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some
are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all
are different colors. But they all have to learn to live in
the same box.
18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on
a detour.
20. Happiness sometimes comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
23. If not for STRESS, some days I'd have no energy at all.
24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
27. If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
29. We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails.
30. If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.
31. Have an awesome day, and know that someone thought about you today!
********************************
Proper Identification
A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an
account with them. When the teller her asked for some identification, the
woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a
library card.
The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she
didn't have one.
"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.
"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."
Sweet Dreams
While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4
year old granddaughter.
One morning when she awoke, she told me she had some nice dreams and
proceeded to tell me about them.
I told her I wished that I was able to dream like she does.
She said, "But you can't, grandma, because you snore too much."
********************************
Chute Error
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is yours."
********************************
The Other Mark
Thunderstorms have rolled through the region, knocking out power
temporarily to some of the stores of this supermarket chain. So when a help
desk technician gets an emergency page from one store, he figures he knows
how to handle it.
Turns out it's not that easy. "When I called the store, a somewhat dippy
cashier answered the phone," he says. "The cash registers were all
off-line, and when I gave her what I thought were simple instructions to
restart the registers, she was having trouble understanding."
The flustered cashier just can't seem to get things working -- until the
tech gets an idea.
"At one point the phone clicked, and she told me it was an incoming call on
another line," he reports. "She clicked off and answered again right away."
"I said hi, it's Mark from the help desk."
She said, "Oh, hi! I have another guy from the help desk on the other line!
Can you help me out? I don't understand what he's telling me to do."
I replied, "That guy's name is Mark too, and he is the most knowledgeable
person in our department. Just take a deep breath, calm down and let him
help you get the registers back up."
Another click.
"Hello, is this Mark? I just had that other Mark on the other line. OK, now
tell me again what I need to do..."
********************************
1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.
3. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow
old because you stop laughing.
4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat are really good
friends.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. He who hesitates is probably right.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone
in mind to blame.
9. The purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
when he's really in trouble.
10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't a lot more people
happy?
12. Most of us go to our graves with our music still inside
us.
13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing is free yet?
14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.
15. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.
17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some
are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all
are different colors. But they all have to learn to live in
the same box.
18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on
a detour.
20. Happiness sometimes comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
23. If not for STRESS, some days I'd have no energy at all.
24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
27. If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
29. We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails.
30. If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.
31. Have an awesome day, and know that someone thought about you today!
********************************
Proper Identification
A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an
account with them. When the teller her asked for some identification, the
woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a
library card.
The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she
didn't have one.
"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.
"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."
Sunday, July 03, 2005
hUMOR For July 3rd
********************************
MEXICAN JEWS
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a
Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith
born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor,
I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you
absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the
expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back
into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are
scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said
there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews."
********************************
Tidbits of Wit
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
another number." -- James Estes
********************************
Warm Up Wit
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle,
carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy
birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
********************************
Advice For Yankees Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use
it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay
home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive Ford-150 Pick Up Truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's
windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
9. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on
a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and
lane position for the vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
********************************
Doesn't It Get Your Goat?
You stand at the checkout and person in front of you buys the same item you
do but gets it for 50 cents less because they have a coupon. Now you can
check the latest food coupons and print them from your computer.
********************************
From the Archive
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
********************************
Exercise
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. - Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.
- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
********************************
Lesson Learned
When my son was around 4 years old, he went to the local drug store with me one afternoon. While in the check out he noticed a bald-headed man behind us in line. I had, as good moms do, been teaching him how to use good manners, especially when in public. I noticed the man the same time my son did and just prayed that he would remember what I had taught him.
Within seconds, at an unusually quiet moment in the store, my son proclaimed, "Look mama, that man ain't got no hair!" The man was understanding, even thinking this was cute so he smiled at my son.
Next, without warning, my son shouted,"And look, he ain't got no teeth either!!"
I couldn't get out of there fast enough. To make this even worse, while in the parking lot, the man walked over and spoke very kindly to my son. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his false teeth, and said, "I do have my teeth, I just haven't brushed yet."
My son has never had a cavity and he is now twenty years old. I guess some lessons are learned in the oddest ways.
********************************
Feeding
"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
MEXICAN JEWS
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a
Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith
born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor,
I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you
absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the
expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back
into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are
scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said
there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews."
********************************
Tidbits of Wit
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
another number." -- James Estes
********************************
Warm Up Wit
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle,
carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy
birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
********************************
Advice For Yankees Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use
it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay
home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive Ford-150 Pick Up Truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's
windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
9. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on
a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and
lane position for the vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
********************************
Doesn't It Get Your Goat?
You stand at the checkout and person in front of you buys the same item you
do but gets it for 50 cents less because they have a coupon. Now you can
check the latest food coupons and print them from your computer.
********************************
From the Archive
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
********************************
Exercise
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. - Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.
- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
********************************
Lesson Learned
When my son was around 4 years old, he went to the local drug store with me one afternoon. While in the check out he noticed a bald-headed man behind us in line. I had, as good moms do, been teaching him how to use good manners, especially when in public. I noticed the man the same time my son did and just prayed that he would remember what I had taught him.
Within seconds, at an unusually quiet moment in the store, my son proclaimed, "Look mama, that man ain't got no hair!" The man was understanding, even thinking this was cute so he smiled at my son.
Next, without warning, my son shouted,"And look, he ain't got no teeth either!!"
I couldn't get out of there fast enough. To make this even worse, while in the parking lot, the man walked over and spoke very kindly to my son. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his false teeth, and said, "I do have my teeth, I just haven't brushed yet."
My son has never had a cavity and he is now twenty years old. I guess some lessons are learned in the oddest ways.
********************************
Feeding
"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
Saturday, July 02, 2005
hUMOR For July 2nd
********************************
Being Polite
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of
giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining
room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
********************************
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What on earth do they want with a carpenter?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanLaugh. - Understanding Law*
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party"
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."
********************************
A Great Blonde Joke
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding
anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He
showed her the phone and explained to her all of its
features.
Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply
adored her new phone. The next day Susie went
shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it
was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your
voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I
don't understand though...!"
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
********************************
(Note: Monday, July 4 is Independence Day in the USA)
What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the
Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!
What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small
curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!
********************************
The avid golfer
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thouroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE................."Ernesto, if you broke that driver you're fired.!"
Being Polite
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of
giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining
room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
********************************
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What on earth do they want with a carpenter?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanLaugh. - Understanding Law*
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party"
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."
********************************
A Great Blonde Joke
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding
anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He
showed her the phone and explained to her all of its
features.
Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply
adored her new phone. The next day Susie went
shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it
was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your
voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I
don't understand though...!"
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
********************************
(Note: Monday, July 4 is Independence Day in the USA)
What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the
Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!
What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small
curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!
********************************
The avid golfer
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thouroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE................."Ernesto, if you broke that driver you're fired.!"
Friday, July 01, 2005
hUMOR For July 1st
********************************
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat,
learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer,
the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at
snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer
and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as
proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and
spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
********************************
Haircut Request
When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."
The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."
The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"
********************************
Educational Values
This teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room. She demanded of them what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We are shooting craps."
She said, "That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."
********************************
Looking My Best
I saw him in the church building for the first time on Wednesday. He was in his mid-70's, with thinning silver hair and a neat brown suit. Many times in the past I had invited him to come. Several other Christian friends had talked to him about the Lord and had tried to share the good news with him.
He was a well-respected, honest man with so many characteristics a Christian should have, but he had never put on Christ, nor entered the doors of the church. "Have you ever been to a church service in your life?" I had asked him a few years ago. We had just finished a pleasant day of visiting and talking.
He hesitated. Then with a bitter smile he told me of
his childhood experience some fifty years ago. He was
one of many children in a large impoverished family.
His parents had struggled to provide food, with little
left for housing and clothing. When he was about ten,
some neighbors invited him to worship with them.
The Bible Study class had been very exciting! He had
never heard such stories before! He had never heard
anyone read from the Bible!
After class was over, the teacher took him aside and
said, "Son, please don't come again dressed as you are
now. We want to look our best when we come into God's
house."
He stood in his ragged, un-patched overalls looking at
his dirty bare feet, he answered softly, "No, ma'am, I
won't ever."
"And I never did," he said, abruptly ending our
conversation. There must have been other factors to
have hardened him so, but this experience formed a
significant part of the bitterness in his heart.
I'm sure that Sunday School teacher meant well. What
if she had put her arms around the dirty, ragged
little boy and said, "Son, I am so glad you are here,
and I hope you will come every chance you get to hear
more about Jesus."
I reflected on the awesome responsibility a teacher or
Elders or a parent has to welcome little ones in His
name. I prayed that I might be ever open to the
tenderness of a child's heart, and that I might never
fail to see beyond the appearance and behavior of a
child to the eternal possibilities within.
Yes, I saw him in the church house for the first time
on Wednesday. As I looked at that immaculately dressed
old gentleman lying in his casket, he was looking his
best! I thought of the little boy of long ago. I could
almost hear him say, "No, ma'am, I won't ever."
And I wept.
-------------------
Pilot and the Minister
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly
Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in
sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to the
Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American
Airlines Pilot from Dallas."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to
the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and
enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with
his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He
stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor
of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the
minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and
enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "that man was a
pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and
I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter,
"while you preached - - people slept; while he flew -
- people prayed."
********************************
Mechanic
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily, the pilot saw a small cottage nearby. He walked to it and knocked on the door.
"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "Nae," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we dae hae a MacArdle and a MacKay."
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat,
learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer,
the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at
snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer
and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as
proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and
spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
********************************
Haircut Request
When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."
The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."
The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"
********************************
Educational Values
This teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room. She demanded of them what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We are shooting craps."
She said, "That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."
********************************
Looking My Best
I saw him in the church building for the first time on Wednesday. He was in his mid-70's, with thinning silver hair and a neat brown suit. Many times in the past I had invited him to come. Several other Christian friends had talked to him about the Lord and had tried to share the good news with him.
He was a well-respected, honest man with so many characteristics a Christian should have, but he had never put on Christ, nor entered the doors of the church. "Have you ever been to a church service in your life?" I had asked him a few years ago. We had just finished a pleasant day of visiting and talking.
He hesitated. Then with a bitter smile he told me of
his childhood experience some fifty years ago. He was
one of many children in a large impoverished family.
His parents had struggled to provide food, with little
left for housing and clothing. When he was about ten,
some neighbors invited him to worship with them.
The Bible Study class had been very exciting! He had
never heard such stories before! He had never heard
anyone read from the Bible!
After class was over, the teacher took him aside and
said, "Son, please don't come again dressed as you are
now. We want to look our best when we come into God's
house."
He stood in his ragged, un-patched overalls looking at
his dirty bare feet, he answered softly, "No, ma'am, I
won't ever."
"And I never did," he said, abruptly ending our
conversation. There must have been other factors to
have hardened him so, but this experience formed a
significant part of the bitterness in his heart.
I'm sure that Sunday School teacher meant well. What
if she had put her arms around the dirty, ragged
little boy and said, "Son, I am so glad you are here,
and I hope you will come every chance you get to hear
more about Jesus."
I reflected on the awesome responsibility a teacher or
Elders or a parent has to welcome little ones in His
name. I prayed that I might be ever open to the
tenderness of a child's heart, and that I might never
fail to see beyond the appearance and behavior of a
child to the eternal possibilities within.
Yes, I saw him in the church house for the first time
on Wednesday. As I looked at that immaculately dressed
old gentleman lying in his casket, he was looking his
best! I thought of the little boy of long ago. I could
almost hear him say, "No, ma'am, I won't ever."
And I wept.
-------------------
Pilot and the Minister
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly
Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in
sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to the
Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American
Airlines Pilot from Dallas."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to
the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and
enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with
his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He
stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor
of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the
minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and
enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "that man was a
pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and
I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter,
"while you preached - - people slept; while he flew -
- people prayed."
********************************
Mechanic
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily, the pilot saw a small cottage nearby. He walked to it and knocked on the door.
"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "Nae," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we dae hae a MacArdle and a MacKay."
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