********************************
Multiple Listings
In the world of Real Estate, there are some pretty strange things on the
printouts from our local Multiple Listings Service -- descriptions of
properties for sale in our area. A typo here, missed punctuation there or
just plain bad phrasing can change the entire meaning of a 'sales pitch'.
Here are some examples:
"Three bedroom one bath fireplace."
"Room for horses, cowchickens."
"Back of home faces eighteen home championship golf course."
"New art-deco bath & more. Near everything. Kitchen curtains do not say."
"House backs up to one year round creek." (Big creek!)
"Walkin pantry." (Where's it walkin' to?)
"Country home with 2nd unit. Horse set up extra garage." (That's one SMART
horse!)
"Five bedroom septic. Owners anxious." (I bet!)
"Septic built for granny." (What a nice family.)
"Huge veranda for those balby summer evenings." (Love those balby evenings,
don't you?)
********************************
Stain Glass
An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the children's message. Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realize why everyone was laughing so hard.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Never use a humongous word where a diminutive one will suffice."
********************************
Frisbee Pun
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get.
Then it hit me.
********************************
An IRS agent stepped into a synagogue looking for the rabbi. "Rabbi," he said when he found him," do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"
"Well, yes, I do," said the rabbi.
"Is he a member of your congregation?" asked the agent.
"Uh, yes, he is," said the rabbi, "why do you ask?"
"I'm from the IRS. Can you tell me something? Did he make
the $100,000 donation to the synagogue, that he claimed on
his tax return?" asked the IRS agent.
"I would have to check our records," replied the rabbi, "but
if he hasn't, I can assure you that he will!"
********************************
Woman wants to be
six again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the
morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and
early and off they went to a local theme park. What a
day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death
Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -
everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she
staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and
her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they
went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along
with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars
epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What
a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with
her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over
and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like
being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant
my dress size." The moral of this story is: If a
woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will
still get it wrong.
********************************
Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?" The first kid says, "a circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
hUMOR For July 6th
********************************
You Know It's Hot Outside When
You Know It's Hot Outside When...
**you ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible
** you've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man
** the swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra tasty crispy"
** the strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper
** your pool water starts to boil in the sun
** the hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot
** pigs complain about sweating like fat humans
** a scalding hot shower still cools you down
** people walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames
** a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants
** the politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves
** you need a spatula to remove your clothing
** you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather
** you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!
** you are sitting inside reading these jokes
** your brother's braces make blisters on his lips
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce."
********************************
Conviction
After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench.
"Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.
Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."
********************************
While I was driving my daughter home from kindergarten,
Melody Raye started trying to get me to look at the numerous crayon drawings she'd made that day. After trying to keep the car between the ditches while looking at the drawings, I told her I would look at the rest later because right now I had to watch the road. She immediately put a drawing in front of my face and said, "You look, Daddy; I'll watch the road for you."
When our grandchildren were visiting late last summer, they went out to catch lightning bugs one night. As 3-year-old Carl put one in a jar, he looked up at me and asked, "Grandma, what size batteries do these bugs take?"
********************************
First Man
A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible
was.
"Hoss." said Willie.
"Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."
"Aw, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."
********************************
Cowboys Night Out
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the
posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and
noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir,
but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager."
The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly
back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they
summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
********************************
SPARE CHANGE
A bum asked a man on the street for $5.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum
replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies,
"No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again
the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my
wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink,
gamble or play golf?"
********************************
Top Ten for Dads
Top 10 Ways to Intimidate Your Daughter's Date When He
Comes to Pick Her Up
10. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she
leaves. Explain, "It makes fingerprinting easier."
9. Challenge him at arm wrestling.
8. Introduce him to your good friend Ken Starr.
7. Walk on stilts.
6. Casually show him your collection of five shrunken
heads, then yell up to your daughter, "Number six is
here."
5. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.
4. Introduce him to the family by calling each family
member to the living room using a whistle, then making
them stand at attention and salute.
3. Answer the door in a straight jacket.
2. As they leave, talk into a walkie-talkie, "Subject
is wearing khakis and a blue polo shirt, driving a
green ford."
1. Say, "Let's pray."
The Top 10 Tips for Fathers on Changing Diapers
10. Always use protective eye wear.
9. If you need a third hand, use your teeth!
8. Avoid changing baby on new Persian rug.
7. Reach finger down back of diaper to see if there's a "doodie."
6. When you run out of baby oil, use Old Spice.
5. Insure proper ventilation, avoid open flames.
4. Always feed baby lots of apricots 3 to 4 hours prior.
3. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, scratch and sniff.
2. Be careful with high-pressure spray nozzles on baby.
1. Just wait until your wife gets home and let her do it!
You Know It's Hot Outside When
You Know It's Hot Outside When...
**you ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible
** you've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man
** the swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra tasty crispy"
** the strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper
** your pool water starts to boil in the sun
** the hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot
** pigs complain about sweating like fat humans
** a scalding hot shower still cools you down
** people walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames
** a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants
** the politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves
** you need a spatula to remove your clothing
** you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather
** you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!
** you are sitting inside reading these jokes
** your brother's braces make blisters on his lips
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce."
********************************
Conviction
After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench.
"Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.
Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."
********************************
While I was driving my daughter home from kindergarten,
Melody Raye started trying to get me to look at the numerous crayon drawings she'd made that day. After trying to keep the car between the ditches while looking at the drawings, I told her I would look at the rest later because right now I had to watch the road. She immediately put a drawing in front of my face and said, "You look, Daddy; I'll watch the road for you."
When our grandchildren were visiting late last summer, they went out to catch lightning bugs one night. As 3-year-old Carl put one in a jar, he looked up at me and asked, "Grandma, what size batteries do these bugs take?"
********************************
First Man
A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible
was.
"Hoss." said Willie.
"Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."
"Aw, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of those Cartwrights."
********************************
Cowboys Night Out
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the
posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and
noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir,
but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager."
The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly
back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they
summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
********************************
SPARE CHANGE
A bum asked a man on the street for $5.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum
replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies,
"No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again
the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my
wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink,
gamble or play golf?"
********************************
Top Ten for Dads
Top 10 Ways to Intimidate Your Daughter's Date When He
Comes to Pick Her Up
10. Sprinkle some dust on your daughter before she
leaves. Explain, "It makes fingerprinting easier."
9. Challenge him at arm wrestling.
8. Introduce him to your good friend Ken Starr.
7. Walk on stilts.
6. Casually show him your collection of five shrunken
heads, then yell up to your daughter, "Number six is
here."
5. Come to the door bare-chested. Do a lot of flexing.
4. Introduce him to the family by calling each family
member to the living room using a whistle, then making
them stand at attention and salute.
3. Answer the door in a straight jacket.
2. As they leave, talk into a walkie-talkie, "Subject
is wearing khakis and a blue polo shirt, driving a
green ford."
1. Say, "Let's pray."
The Top 10 Tips for Fathers on Changing Diapers
10. Always use protective eye wear.
9. If you need a third hand, use your teeth!
8. Avoid changing baby on new Persian rug.
7. Reach finger down back of diaper to see if there's a "doodie."
6. When you run out of baby oil, use Old Spice.
5. Insure proper ventilation, avoid open flames.
4. Always feed baby lots of apricots 3 to 4 hours prior.
3. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, scratch and sniff.
2. Be careful with high-pressure spray nozzles on baby.
1. Just wait until your wife gets home and let her do it!
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
hUMOR For July 5th
Letter From A Farm Kid
Letter from a farm kid, now at Paris Island Marine Corps recruit depot:
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"You know it's going to be a bad day when YOUR picture is on the milk carton."
********************************
Battle Re-enactment
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
********************************
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random.
When the phone is answered he asks,"Can I speak to Roger, please?""No! There's no one called Roger here."The person hangs up."That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time."No, there's no one here called Roger.Go away. Don't call again.""That's aggravation," says Dad.
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:"Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"
********************************
recious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
~ It is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
~ Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
~ Amazing Grace, Considering My Age
~ Just a Slower Walk with Thee
~ Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
~ Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
~ Give Me That Old Timers' Religion
~ Blessed Insurance
~ Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked
********************************
THE EYE-OPENER
As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped
you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words,
asking my opinion or thanking me for something good
that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed
you
were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to
wear.
When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew
there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say
hello, but you were to busy. At one point you had to
wait, fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in
a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought
you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and
called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I
watched patiently all day long.
With all your activities I guess you were too busy to
say anything to me. I noticed that before lunch you
looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to
me, that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced
three or four tables over and you noticed some of your
friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you
didn't. That's okay.
There is still more time left, and I hope that you
will talk to me yet. You went home and it seems as if
you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were
done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like
TV or not, just about anything goes there and you
spend a lot of time each day in front of it not
thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I
waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate
your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.
Bedtime--I guess you felt too tired. After you said
goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell
asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not
realize that I am always there for you. I've got
patience, more than you will ever know. I even want to
teach you how to be patient with others as well.
I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod,
prayer or thought or a thankful part of your heart. It
is hard to have a one-sided conversation.
Well, you are getting up once again. And once again I
will wait, with nothing but love for you. Hoping that
today you will give me some time.
Have a nice day! Your friend, GOD
******************************************************
Atheist's Prayer
As an atheist walked through the forest, he smiled at
the beauty that was all around him and said, "What
natural wonders the powers of evolution have created."
Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went
to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear was
tearing down the path towards him him. The man took
off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to
look back, he saw the bear was catching up fast.
He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace,
but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried
to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up
one paw to whack him.
The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!"
Time stopped! The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed
from the heavens, "You deny my existence for all of
these years, teach others I don't exist, and even
credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me
as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the
bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out, the river ran again, and the
sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear
dropped its right paw, brought both paws together,
bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am
truly thankful."
Letter from a farm kid, now at Paris Island Marine Corps recruit depot:
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"You know it's going to be a bad day when YOUR picture is on the milk carton."
********************************
Battle Re-enactment
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
********************************
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random.
When the phone is answered he asks,"Can I speak to Roger, please?""No! There's no one called Roger here."The person hangs up."That's irritation," says Dad.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time."No, there's no one here called Roger.Go away. Don't call again.""That's aggravation," says Dad.
"Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son.
The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:"Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"
********************************
recious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
~ It is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
~ Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
~ Amazing Grace, Considering My Age
~ Just a Slower Walk with Thee
~ Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
~ Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
~ Give Me That Old Timers' Religion
~ Blessed Insurance
~ Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked
********************************
THE EYE-OPENER
As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped
you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words,
asking my opinion or thanking me for something good
that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed
you
were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to
wear.
When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew
there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say
hello, but you were to busy. At one point you had to
wait, fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in
a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought
you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and
called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I
watched patiently all day long.
With all your activities I guess you were too busy to
say anything to me. I noticed that before lunch you
looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to
me, that is why you didn't bow your head. You glanced
three or four tables over and you noticed some of your
friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you
didn't. That's okay.
There is still more time left, and I hope that you
will talk to me yet. You went home and it seems as if
you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were
done, you turned on the TV. I don't know if you like
TV or not, just about anything goes there and you
spend a lot of time each day in front of it not
thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I
waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate
your meal, but again you didn't talk to me.
Bedtime--I guess you felt too tired. After you said
goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell
asleep in no time. That's okay because you may not
realize that I am always there for you. I've got
patience, more than you will ever know. I even want to
teach you how to be patient with others as well.
I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod,
prayer or thought or a thankful part of your heart. It
is hard to have a one-sided conversation.
Well, you are getting up once again. And once again I
will wait, with nothing but love for you. Hoping that
today you will give me some time.
Have a nice day! Your friend, GOD
******************************************************
Atheist's Prayer
As an atheist walked through the forest, he smiled at
the beauty that was all around him and said, "What
natural wonders the powers of evolution have created."
Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went
to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear was
tearing down the path towards him him. The man took
off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to
look back, he saw the bear was catching up fast.
He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace,
but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried
to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up
one paw to whack him.
The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!"
Time stopped! The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed
from the heavens, "You deny my existence for all of
these years, teach others I don't exist, and even
credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me
as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the
bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out, the river ran again, and the
sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear
dropped its right paw, brought both paws together,
bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am
truly thankful."
Monday, July 04, 2005
July 4th
********************************
Sweet Dreams
While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4
year old granddaughter.
One morning when she awoke, she told me she had some nice dreams and
proceeded to tell me about them.
I told her I wished that I was able to dream like she does.
She said, "But you can't, grandma, because you snore too much."
********************************
Chute Error
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is yours."
********************************
The Other Mark
Thunderstorms have rolled through the region, knocking out power
temporarily to some of the stores of this supermarket chain. So when a help
desk technician gets an emergency page from one store, he figures he knows
how to handle it.
Turns out it's not that easy. "When I called the store, a somewhat dippy
cashier answered the phone," he says. "The cash registers were all
off-line, and when I gave her what I thought were simple instructions to
restart the registers, she was having trouble understanding."
The flustered cashier just can't seem to get things working -- until the
tech gets an idea.
"At one point the phone clicked, and she told me it was an incoming call on
another line," he reports. "She clicked off and answered again right away."
"I said hi, it's Mark from the help desk."
She said, "Oh, hi! I have another guy from the help desk on the other line!
Can you help me out? I don't understand what he's telling me to do."
I replied, "That guy's name is Mark too, and he is the most knowledgeable
person in our department. Just take a deep breath, calm down and let him
help you get the registers back up."
Another click.
"Hello, is this Mark? I just had that other Mark on the other line. OK, now
tell me again what I need to do..."
********************************
1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.
3. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow
old because you stop laughing.
4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat are really good
friends.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. He who hesitates is probably right.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone
in mind to blame.
9. The purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
when he's really in trouble.
10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't a lot more people
happy?
12. Most of us go to our graves with our music still inside
us.
13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing is free yet?
14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.
15. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.
17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some
are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all
are different colors. But they all have to learn to live in
the same box.
18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on
a detour.
20. Happiness sometimes comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
23. If not for STRESS, some days I'd have no energy at all.
24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
27. If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
29. We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails.
30. If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.
31. Have an awesome day, and know that someone thought about you today!
********************************
Proper Identification
A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an
account with them. When the teller her asked for some identification, the
woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a
library card.
The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she
didn't have one.
"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.
"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."
Sweet Dreams
While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4
year old granddaughter.
One morning when she awoke, she told me she had some nice dreams and
proceeded to tell me about them.
I told her I wished that I was able to dream like she does.
She said, "But you can't, grandma, because you snore too much."
********************************
Chute Error
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is yours."
********************************
The Other Mark
Thunderstorms have rolled through the region, knocking out power
temporarily to some of the stores of this supermarket chain. So when a help
desk technician gets an emergency page from one store, he figures he knows
how to handle it.
Turns out it's not that easy. "When I called the store, a somewhat dippy
cashier answered the phone," he says. "The cash registers were all
off-line, and when I gave her what I thought were simple instructions to
restart the registers, she was having trouble understanding."
The flustered cashier just can't seem to get things working -- until the
tech gets an idea.
"At one point the phone clicked, and she told me it was an incoming call on
another line," he reports. "She clicked off and answered again right away."
"I said hi, it's Mark from the help desk."
She said, "Oh, hi! I have another guy from the help desk on the other line!
Can you help me out? I don't understand what he's telling me to do."
I replied, "That guy's name is Mark too, and he is the most knowledgeable
person in our department. Just take a deep breath, calm down and let him
help you get the registers back up."
Another click.
"Hello, is this Mark? I just had that other Mark on the other line. OK, now
tell me again what I need to do..."
********************************
1. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.
3. You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow
old because you stop laughing.
4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat are really good
friends.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. He who hesitates is probably right.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone
in mind to blame.
9. The purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell
when he's really in trouble.
10. How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
11. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't a lot more people
happy?
12. Most of us go to our graves with our music still inside
us.
13. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing is free yet?
14. You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.
15. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
16. Don't cry because it's over: smile because it happened.
17. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some
are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all
are different colors. But they all have to learn to live in
the same box.
18. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
19. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on
a detour.
20. Happiness sometimes comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
21. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
22. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
23. If not for STRESS, some days I'd have no energy at all.
24. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
25. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
26. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
27. If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
28. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
29. We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails.
30. If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.
31. Have an awesome day, and know that someone thought about you today!
********************************
Proper Identification
A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an
account with them. When the teller her asked for some identification, the
woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a
library card.
The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she
didn't have one.
"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.
"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."
Sunday, July 03, 2005
hUMOR For July 3rd
********************************
MEXICAN JEWS
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a
Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith
born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor,
I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you
absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the
expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back
into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are
scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said
there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews."
********************************
Tidbits of Wit
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
another number." -- James Estes
********************************
Warm Up Wit
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle,
carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy
birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
********************************
Advice For Yankees Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use
it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay
home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive Ford-150 Pick Up Truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's
windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
9. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on
a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and
lane position for the vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
********************************
Doesn't It Get Your Goat?
You stand at the checkout and person in front of you buys the same item you
do but gets it for 50 cents less because they have a coupon. Now you can
check the latest food coupons and print them from your computer.
********************************
From the Archive
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
********************************
Exercise
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. - Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.
- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
********************************
Lesson Learned
When my son was around 4 years old, he went to the local drug store with me one afternoon. While in the check out he noticed a bald-headed man behind us in line. I had, as good moms do, been teaching him how to use good manners, especially when in public. I noticed the man the same time my son did and just prayed that he would remember what I had taught him.
Within seconds, at an unusually quiet moment in the store, my son proclaimed, "Look mama, that man ain't got no hair!" The man was understanding, even thinking this was cute so he smiled at my son.
Next, without warning, my son shouted,"And look, he ain't got no teeth either!!"
I couldn't get out of there fast enough. To make this even worse, while in the parking lot, the man walked over and spoke very kindly to my son. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his false teeth, and said, "I do have my teeth, I just haven't brushed yet."
My son has never had a cavity and he is now twenty years old. I guess some lessons are learned in the oddest ways.
********************************
Feeding
"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
MEXICAN JEWS
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a
Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith
born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor,
I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you
absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the
expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back
into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are
scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said
there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews."
********************************
Tidbits of Wit
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
another number." -- James Estes
********************************
Warm Up Wit
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle,
carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy
birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
********************************
Advice For Yankees Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use
it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay
home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive Ford-150 Pick Up Truck with a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
8. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's
windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
9. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on
a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and
lane position for the vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
********************************
Doesn't It Get Your Goat?
You stand at the checkout and person in front of you buys the same item you
do but gets it for 50 cents less because they have a coupon. Now you can
check the latest food coupons and print them from your computer.
********************************
From the Archive
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
********************************
Exercise
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. - Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.
- The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
- You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
********************************
Lesson Learned
When my son was around 4 years old, he went to the local drug store with me one afternoon. While in the check out he noticed a bald-headed man behind us in line. I had, as good moms do, been teaching him how to use good manners, especially when in public. I noticed the man the same time my son did and just prayed that he would remember what I had taught him.
Within seconds, at an unusually quiet moment in the store, my son proclaimed, "Look mama, that man ain't got no hair!" The man was understanding, even thinking this was cute so he smiled at my son.
Next, without warning, my son shouted,"And look, he ain't got no teeth either!!"
I couldn't get out of there fast enough. To make this even worse, while in the parking lot, the man walked over and spoke very kindly to my son. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his false teeth, and said, "I do have my teeth, I just haven't brushed yet."
My son has never had a cavity and he is now twenty years old. I guess some lessons are learned in the oddest ways.
********************************
Feeding
"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
Saturday, July 02, 2005
hUMOR For July 2nd
********************************
Being Polite
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of
giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining
room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
********************************
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What on earth do they want with a carpenter?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanLaugh. - Understanding Law*
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party"
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."
********************************
A Great Blonde Joke
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding
anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He
showed her the phone and explained to her all of its
features.
Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply
adored her new phone. The next day Susie went
shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it
was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your
voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I
don't understand though...!"
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
********************************
(Note: Monday, July 4 is Independence Day in the USA)
What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the
Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!
What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small
curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!
********************************
The avid golfer
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thouroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE................."Ernesto, if you broke that driver you're fired.!"
Being Polite
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of
giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining
room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
********************************
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What on earth do they want with a carpenter?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanLaugh. - Understanding Law*
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained. Translated it means "To hear the other party"
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.
Responded one woman, "My husband."
********************************
A Great Blonde Joke
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding
anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He
showed her the phone and explained to her all of its
features.
Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply
adored her new phone. The next day Susie went
shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it
was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your
voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I
don't understand though...!"
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
********************************
(Note: Monday, July 4 is Independence Day in the USA)
What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the
Declaration of Independence with a rooster?
John Hancock-a-doodle-doo!
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!
What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small
curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!
What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
What do you call a parade of German mercenaries?
A Hessian procession!
********************************
The avid golfer
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thouroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE................."Ernesto, if you broke that driver you're fired.!"
Friday, July 01, 2005
hUMOR For July 1st
********************************
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat,
learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer,
the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at
snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer
and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as
proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and
spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
********************************
Haircut Request
When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."
The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."
The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"
********************************
Educational Values
This teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room. She demanded of them what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We are shooting craps."
She said, "That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."
********************************
Looking My Best
I saw him in the church building for the first time on Wednesday. He was in his mid-70's, with thinning silver hair and a neat brown suit. Many times in the past I had invited him to come. Several other Christian friends had talked to him about the Lord and had tried to share the good news with him.
He was a well-respected, honest man with so many characteristics a Christian should have, but he had never put on Christ, nor entered the doors of the church. "Have you ever been to a church service in your life?" I had asked him a few years ago. We had just finished a pleasant day of visiting and talking.
He hesitated. Then with a bitter smile he told me of
his childhood experience some fifty years ago. He was
one of many children in a large impoverished family.
His parents had struggled to provide food, with little
left for housing and clothing. When he was about ten,
some neighbors invited him to worship with them.
The Bible Study class had been very exciting! He had
never heard such stories before! He had never heard
anyone read from the Bible!
After class was over, the teacher took him aside and
said, "Son, please don't come again dressed as you are
now. We want to look our best when we come into God's
house."
He stood in his ragged, un-patched overalls looking at
his dirty bare feet, he answered softly, "No, ma'am, I
won't ever."
"And I never did," he said, abruptly ending our
conversation. There must have been other factors to
have hardened him so, but this experience formed a
significant part of the bitterness in his heart.
I'm sure that Sunday School teacher meant well. What
if she had put her arms around the dirty, ragged
little boy and said, "Son, I am so glad you are here,
and I hope you will come every chance you get to hear
more about Jesus."
I reflected on the awesome responsibility a teacher or
Elders or a parent has to welcome little ones in His
name. I prayed that I might be ever open to the
tenderness of a child's heart, and that I might never
fail to see beyond the appearance and behavior of a
child to the eternal possibilities within.
Yes, I saw him in the church house for the first time
on Wednesday. As I looked at that immaculately dressed
old gentleman lying in his casket, he was looking his
best! I thought of the little boy of long ago. I could
almost hear him say, "No, ma'am, I won't ever."
And I wept.
-------------------
Pilot and the Minister
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly
Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in
sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to the
Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American
Airlines Pilot from Dallas."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to
the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and
enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with
his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He
stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor
of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the
minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and
enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "that man was a
pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and
I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter,
"while you preached - - people slept; while he flew -
- people prayed."
********************************
Mechanic
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily, the pilot saw a small cottage nearby. He walked to it and knocked on the door.
"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "Nae," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we dae hae a MacArdle and a MacKay."
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat,
learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer,
the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at
snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer
and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as
proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and
spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
********************************
Haircut Request
When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."
The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."
The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"
********************************
Educational Values
This teacher went into her classroom about fifteen minutes before the class was supposed to begin and caught a bunch of boys in a huddle on their knees in the corner of the room. She demanded of them what they were doing, and one of them hollered back, "We are shooting craps."
She said, "That's all right. I was afraid you were praying."
********************************
Looking My Best
I saw him in the church building for the first time on Wednesday. He was in his mid-70's, with thinning silver hair and a neat brown suit. Many times in the past I had invited him to come. Several other Christian friends had talked to him about the Lord and had tried to share the good news with him.
He was a well-respected, honest man with so many characteristics a Christian should have, but he had never put on Christ, nor entered the doors of the church. "Have you ever been to a church service in your life?" I had asked him a few years ago. We had just finished a pleasant day of visiting and talking.
He hesitated. Then with a bitter smile he told me of
his childhood experience some fifty years ago. He was
one of many children in a large impoverished family.
His parents had struggled to provide food, with little
left for housing and clothing. When he was about ten,
some neighbors invited him to worship with them.
The Bible Study class had been very exciting! He had
never heard such stories before! He had never heard
anyone read from the Bible!
After class was over, the teacher took him aside and
said, "Son, please don't come again dressed as you are
now. We want to look our best when we come into God's
house."
He stood in his ragged, un-patched overalls looking at
his dirty bare feet, he answered softly, "No, ma'am, I
won't ever."
"And I never did," he said, abruptly ending our
conversation. There must have been other factors to
have hardened him so, but this experience formed a
significant part of the bitterness in his heart.
I'm sure that Sunday School teacher meant well. What
if she had put her arms around the dirty, ragged
little boy and said, "Son, I am so glad you are here,
and I hope you will come every chance you get to hear
more about Jesus."
I reflected on the awesome responsibility a teacher or
Elders or a parent has to welcome little ones in His
name. I prayed that I might be ever open to the
tenderness of a child's heart, and that I might never
fail to see beyond the appearance and behavior of a
child to the eternal possibilities within.
Yes, I saw him in the church house for the first time
on Wednesday. As I looked at that immaculately dressed
old gentleman lying in his casket, he was looking his
best! I thought of the little boy of long ago. I could
almost hear him say, "No, ma'am, I won't ever."
And I wept.
-------------------
Pilot and the Minister
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly
Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in
sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to the
Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American
Airlines Pilot from Dallas."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to
the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and
enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with
his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn. He
stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor
of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the
minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and
enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "that man was a
pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and
I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter,
"while you preached - - people slept; while he flew -
- people prayed."
********************************
Mechanic
The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily, the pilot saw a small cottage nearby. He walked to it and knocked on the door.
"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "Nae," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we dae hae a MacArdle and a MacKay."
Thursday, June 30, 2005
hUMOR For June 30th
********************************
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
********************************
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty
swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his
ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he
could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the
ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him
coming and asked "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
********************************
Bedtime Suggestion
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed- time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
********************************
The Kids Behind You,
There is a caricature of young people that says they
are hopelessly self- centered and uncaring,
pleasure-seeking and unspiritual. That vision of the
kids coming behind us makes some educators,
politicians, and churchmen cry out in holy horror.
What will happen when they are at the levers of power?
Things may not be nearly so bad with high school and
college students as some have led us to think. If one
takes seriously the findings of a couple of
researchers whose work is being done under the
auspices of the Higher Education Research Institute at
UCLA, there is reason to be encouraged.
The study collected a wealth of data from 112,232
entering college freshmen during the first week of
school at 236 U.S. colleges last fall. Dr. Helen
Astin, co-leader of the project, said their findings
"have taken us by surprise."
* Almost 80 percent of college freshmen believe in
God.
* More than two-thirds of them pray.
* More than 70 percent say they wrestle with the
question of life's deeper meaning and want their
college experience to help them in their struggle.
* Forty percent say it is very important to follow
religious teaching in their everyday life in the
classroom and workplace.
Perhaps things aren't quite as bleak as some have been
telling us! And maybe it would be wiser for parents,
teachers, and clergy to do something helpful to
provide positive spiritual nurture for these young men
and women than to castigate them for the sake of the
image some of their peers may have projected.
If college years constitute a time of intellectual and
social exploration, we should expect these
twenty-somethings to raise and wrestle with
fundamental questions. Perhaps some of us who are
older haven't taken them seriously enough. Haven't
offered them very compelling responses to their hard
questions. Haven't modeled the sort of life that
reflects the values we claim to embrace.
Previous studies of spiritual interests and religious
activity among college students indicate that these
concerns lessen as they move through four years of undergraduate training. Perhaps that finding reflects the sad fact that many students fail to find mentors and role models during their educational careers.
Whether educator, workplace guide, or parent, take
heart that the kids behind you aren't the hopeless
cases some have said. And set yourself the goal of
helping at least one of them find the meaning he or
she is searching to know.
********************************
Clean Quote.
"I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
********************************
Get Better Soon
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and
hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable
keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients'
bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."
Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
********************************
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty
swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his
ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he
could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the
ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him
coming and asked "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
********************************
Bedtime Suggestion
I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed- time finally came, I laid down the law: "We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!"
Her arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, "We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and daddies."
Even after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, "Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?"
********************************
The Kids Behind You,
There is a caricature of young people that says they
are hopelessly self- centered and uncaring,
pleasure-seeking and unspiritual. That vision of the
kids coming behind us makes some educators,
politicians, and churchmen cry out in holy horror.
What will happen when they are at the levers of power?
Things may not be nearly so bad with high school and
college students as some have led us to think. If one
takes seriously the findings of a couple of
researchers whose work is being done under the
auspices of the Higher Education Research Institute at
UCLA, there is reason to be encouraged.
The study collected a wealth of data from 112,232
entering college freshmen during the first week of
school at 236 U.S. colleges last fall. Dr. Helen
Astin, co-leader of the project, said their findings
"have taken us by surprise."
* Almost 80 percent of college freshmen believe in
God.
* More than two-thirds of them pray.
* More than 70 percent say they wrestle with the
question of life's deeper meaning and want their
college experience to help them in their struggle.
* Forty percent say it is very important to follow
religious teaching in their everyday life in the
classroom and workplace.
Perhaps things aren't quite as bleak as some have been
telling us! And maybe it would be wiser for parents,
teachers, and clergy to do something helpful to
provide positive spiritual nurture for these young men
and women than to castigate them for the sake of the
image some of their peers may have projected.
If college years constitute a time of intellectual and
social exploration, we should expect these
twenty-somethings to raise and wrestle with
fundamental questions. Perhaps some of us who are
older haven't taken them seriously enough. Haven't
offered them very compelling responses to their hard
questions. Haven't modeled the sort of life that
reflects the values we claim to embrace.
Previous studies of spiritual interests and religious
activity among college students indicate that these
concerns lessen as they move through four years of undergraduate training. Perhaps that finding reflects the sad fact that many students fail to find mentors and role models during their educational careers.
Whether educator, workplace guide, or parent, take
heart that the kids behind you aren't the hopeless
cases some have said. And set yourself the goal of
helping at least one of them find the meaning he or
she is searching to know.
********************************
Clean Quote.
"I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
********************************
Get Better Soon
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and
hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable
keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients'
bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
hUMOR For June 29th
********************************
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN ONLY
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty,
each course will accept a maximum of eight
participants. The course covers two days, and topics
covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS (Step by step guide with
slide presentation)
TOILET PAPER ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
(Roundtable discussion)
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR (Practicing
with hamper - Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN
SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? (Debate among a
panel of experts)
LOSS OF VIRILITY (Losing the remote control to your
wife and children - Help line and support groups)
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS (Starting with looking in
the right place instead of turning the house upside
down while screaming - Open forum)
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR
THE GARBAGE CAN? (Group discussion and role play)
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO
YOUR HEALTH (PowerPoint presentation)
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST (Real life
testimonial from the one man who did)
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE
PARALLEL PARKS? (Driving simulation)
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR
MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE (Online class and role playing)
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION (Relaxation
exercises, meditation and breathing techniques)
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE
GOING TO BE LATE (Bring your calendar or PDA to class)
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG
ALL THE TIME (Individual counsellors available)
********************************
From Magazine Supplement with UK Newspaper, The Mail on
Sunday
The Secret of Personal Growth -- Shoes with Lifts
Learn to be Assertive -- Take Charge of the TV Remote
Control
How to Speak in Public -- How to Say "There's a Queue/Line" Without Getting Punched
How to Win Friends -- The Advantages of Showering Daily
Discovering Your Inner Self -- Do It Yourself Microsurgery
Realisation Through Yoga -- Realising You Can't Get Your
Feet Behind Your Head
Boost Self-Confidence -- Stand Up to Door-to-Door Salesmen
Developing a Better Image -- Plastic Surgery
Achieving Self-Awareness -- Knowing Your Alcohol Limit
The Easy Way to Wealth -- Marry Someone Rich
********************************
Shovel Need
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."
********************************
Divorce and Bitterness
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client, "Jill, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."
"Fair to both!" exploded Jill. "I could have done that myself. Why do you think I hired a lawyer?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Mouse Review
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
"What did you find?" he asks.
"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see. Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'."
"And how is it?"
"The book was better."
********************************
Measure It
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother and I
decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because the bed was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to
be visiting my mother one day when I called home.
"Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN ONLY
Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty,
each course will accept a maximum of eight
participants. The course covers two days, and topics
covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS (Step by step guide with
slide presentation)
TOILET PAPER ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
(Roundtable discussion)
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR (Practicing
with hamper - Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN
SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? (Debate among a
panel of experts)
LOSS OF VIRILITY (Losing the remote control to your
wife and children - Help line and support groups)
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS (Starting with looking in
the right place instead of turning the house upside
down while screaming - Open forum)
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR
THE GARBAGE CAN? (Group discussion and role play)
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO
YOUR HEALTH (PowerPoint presentation)
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST (Real life
testimonial from the one man who did)
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE
PARALLEL PARKS? (Driving simulation)
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR
MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE (Online class and role playing)
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION (Relaxation
exercises, meditation and breathing techniques)
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE
GOING TO BE LATE (Bring your calendar or PDA to class)
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG
ALL THE TIME (Individual counsellors available)
********************************
From Magazine Supplement with UK Newspaper, The Mail on
Sunday
The Secret of Personal Growth -- Shoes with Lifts
Learn to be Assertive -- Take Charge of the TV Remote
Control
How to Speak in Public -- How to Say "There's a Queue/Line" Without Getting Punched
How to Win Friends -- The Advantages of Showering Daily
Discovering Your Inner Self -- Do It Yourself Microsurgery
Realisation Through Yoga -- Realising You Can't Get Your
Feet Behind Your Head
Boost Self-Confidence -- Stand Up to Door-to-Door Salesmen
Developing a Better Image -- Plastic Surgery
Achieving Self-Awareness -- Knowing Your Alcohol Limit
The Easy Way to Wealth -- Marry Someone Rich
********************************
Shovel Need
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."
********************************
Divorce and Bitterness
After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client, "Jill, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."
"Fair to both!" exploded Jill. "I could have done that myself. Why do you think I hired a lawyer?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Mouse Review
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.
"What did you find?" he asks.
"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see. Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'."
"And how is it?"
"The book was better."
********************************
Measure It
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother and I
decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because the bed was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to
be visiting my mother one day when I called home.
"Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
hUMOR For June 28th
********************************
Subject: US Redneck Special Forces
Date: Sun, 5 Jun 2005 05:07:44 -0400
US Redneck Special Forces
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new
500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK
SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These North Carolina,
Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and
Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been
given the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or
Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt. This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
********************************
The Cost of Kids
The government recently calculated the cost of raising
a child from birth to 18 and came up $160,140! That
doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with
kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all
the money we could have banked if not for (insert your
child's name here). For others, that number might
confirm the decision to remain childless.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It
translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or
$171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day! Just over
a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best
financial advice says don't have children if you want
to be "rich". It is just the opposite.
What do your get for your $160,140? Naming rights.
First, middle, and last! Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night. More love than
your heart can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm
cookies. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam. A
partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building
sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the
pouring rain. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no
matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed
that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off
the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the
bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool,
coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a
baseball team that never wins but always gets treated
to ice cream regardless. You get a front row seat to
history to witness the first step, first word, first
bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel. You
get to be immortal. You get another branch added to
your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of
limbs in your obituary called grandchildren. You get
an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with
God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare
away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart,
police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love
them without limits, so one day they will, like you,
love without counting the cost.
********************************
There were two old guys, Abe and Ken, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Ken and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Ken thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Ken is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Ken... Ken...."
Ken responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Ken," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Ken, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Ken.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Ken says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
********************************
A little something for the pet lovers!)
Dear Dog and/or Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our
front door..... Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like
to complain about our pets: 1. They live here; you don't. 2.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet better than I like most people. 4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have young, you can sell the results.
********************************
Computer Error
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bob the computer guy, to come over. Bob clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out.... I D 1 0 T
I used to like Bob!
********************************
CleanQuote.
"God answers all the prayers. Sometimes he answers 'yes,' sometimes he answers 'no,' and sometimes the answer is 'you gotta be kidding.'" - Jimmy Carter (on Larry King Live)
Subject: US Redneck Special Forces
Date: Sun, 5 Jun 2005 05:07:44 -0400
US Redneck Special Forces
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new
500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK
SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These North Carolina,
Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and
Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been
given the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or
Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt. This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
********************************
The Cost of Kids
The government recently calculated the cost of raising
a child from birth to 18 and came up $160,140! That
doesn't even touch college tuition. For those with
kids, that figure leads to wild fantasies about all
the money we could have banked if not for (insert your
child's name here). For others, that number might
confirm the decision to remain childless.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It
translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or
$171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.44 a day! Just over
a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best
financial advice says don't have children if you want
to be "rich". It is just the opposite.
What do your get for your $160,140? Naming rights.
First, middle, and last! Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night. More love than
your heart can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm
cookies. A hand to hold, usually covered with jam. A
partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building
sand castles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the
pouring rain. Someone to laugh yourself silly with no
matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed
that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off
the garage roof, taking the training wheels off the
bike, removing a splinter, filling the wading pool,
coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a
baseball team that never wins but always gets treated
to ice cream regardless. You get a front row seat to
history to witness the first step, first word, first
bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel. You
get to be immortal. You get another branch added to
your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of
limbs in your obituary called grandchildren. You get
an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with
God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare
away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart,
police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love
them without limits, so one day they will, like you,
love without counting the cost.
********************************
There were two old guys, Abe and Ken, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Ken and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Ken thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Ken is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Ken... Ken...."
Ken responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Ken," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Ken, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Ken.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Ken says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
********************************
A little something for the pet lovers!)
Dear Dog and/or Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our
front door..... Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like
to complain about our pets: 1. They live here; you don't. 2.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet better than I like most people. 4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have young, you can sell the results.
********************************
Computer Error
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Bob the computer guy, to come over. Bob clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out.... I D 1 0 T
I used to like Bob!
********************************
CleanQuote.
"God answers all the prayers. Sometimes he answers 'yes,' sometimes he answers 'no,' and sometimes the answer is 'you gotta be kidding.'" - Jimmy Carter (on Larry King Live)
Monday, June 27, 2005
hUMOR For June 27th
********************************
First Apartment
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and I for
a visit.
As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink.
Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious
host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents,
and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water."
********************************
Cancelling Cards
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
********************************
Earthly Treasures
Showing his friend around his his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
********************************
Defense Contractor
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
********************************
Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell
sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone
Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what
you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's
evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe,
you really really dumb. Someone has stolen tent."
********************************
NOTE: Now, folks, let's get our senses of humor out
of storage and limber up our cheeks and prepare to put
our tongues in our own respective cheeks... Laugh
already... :) TS
Thanks to AB: "A Feminist Fairy Tale!"
Once upon a time,
In Ireland far away,
A beautiful independent
Self-assured princess
Saw a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap
And said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into a dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And setup housekeeping in your castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children
And forever feel grateful and happy
Doing so.
That night,
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't think so!
--Author unknown. Found circulating the Web.
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number
for Jack?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user
guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"??
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number
for Jack?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user
guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"??
********************************
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is
planning to do one entitled, "Survivor - Texas Style".
The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive
to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down
to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio,
El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From
there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and
finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink
Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
"I'm Gay"
"I Love the Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted for John Kerry"
"Hillary in 2008"
and
"I'm here to confiscate your gun."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
First Apartment
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and I for
a visit.
As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink.
Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious
host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents,
and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water."
********************************
Cancelling Cards
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
********************************
Earthly Treasures
Showing his friend around his his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
********************************
Defense Contractor
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
********************************
Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell
sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone
Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what
you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's
evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe,
you really really dumb. Someone has stolen tent."
********************************
NOTE: Now, folks, let's get our senses of humor out
of storage and limber up our cheeks and prepare to put
our tongues in our own respective cheeks... Laugh
already... :) TS
Thanks to AB: "A Feminist Fairy Tale!"
Once upon a time,
In Ireland far away,
A beautiful independent
Self-assured princess
Saw a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap
And said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into a dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And setup housekeeping in your castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children
And forever feel grateful and happy
Doing so.
That night,
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't think so!
--Author unknown. Found circulating the Web.
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number
for Jack?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user
guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"??
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number
for Jack?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user
guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"??
********************************
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is
planning to do one entitled, "Survivor - Texas Style".
The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive
to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down
to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio,
El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From
there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and
finally back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink
Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
"I'm Gay"
"I Love the Dixie Chicks"
"Boycott Beef"
"I Voted for John Kerry"
"Hillary in 2008"
and
"I'm here to confiscate your gun."
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
hUMOR For June 25th
*******NOTICE******* I WILL BE UNABLE TO POST THE DAILY hUMOR SUNDAY. THE NEXT POST WILL BE ON MONDAY.
DAN
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
********************************
New Appointment
Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
Apparently, Wednesday's quote was an abbreviated version of a Benjamin Franklin quote. Thanks to list member Charlie for the correction. "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote!" - Benjamin Franklin
********************************
To Whom it May Concern:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities
of an 8 year old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to play dodgeball at recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all
you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest
and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. Somewhere in our youth, we matured and learned too much. There are nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, and abused children. Lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain, and death. A world where companies poison our water and our soil, and children kill. What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to return to the days when children played hide-n-seek outside instead of being glued to a television, when video games were as harmless as Pac-Man...instead of spine-ripping, blood-splattering mind numbers like Mortal Combat, and TV still had some shows on that weren't about sex, killing, and lies.
I remember being naive and thinking everyone was happy
because I was. Afternoons were spent climbing trees and
fences and riding my bike. I never worried about time,
bills, or where I was going to find the money to fix my car.
I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew
up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes,
mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So.... here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause, "Tag! You're it."
********************************
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
********************************
Sayings...
1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me.
3. Growing old is inevitable ... growing UP is
optional.
4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always
open.
5. Silence is often misinterpreted but never
misquoted.
6. Do the math . count your blessings.
7. Faith is the ability to not panic.
8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
9. If you worry, you didn't pray ... If you pray,
don't worry.
10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling
home everyday.
11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be
bent out of shape.
12. The most important things in your house are the
people.
13 When we get tangled up in our problems, be still.
God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
DAN
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
********************************
New Appointment
Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
Apparently, Wednesday's quote was an abbreviated version of a Benjamin Franklin quote. Thanks to list member Charlie for the correction. "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote!" - Benjamin Franklin
********************************
To Whom it May Concern:
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities
of an 8 year old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to play dodgeball at recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all
you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest
and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. Somewhere in our youth, we matured and learned too much. There are nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, and abused children. Lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain, and death. A world where companies poison our water and our soil, and children kill. What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to return to the days when children played hide-n-seek outside instead of being glued to a television, when video games were as harmless as Pac-Man...instead of spine-ripping, blood-splattering mind numbers like Mortal Combat, and TV still had some shows on that weren't about sex, killing, and lies.
I remember being naive and thinking everyone was happy
because I was. Afternoons were spent climbing trees and
fences and riding my bike. I never worried about time,
bills, or where I was going to find the money to fix my car.
I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew
up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes,
mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So.... here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause, "Tag! You're it."
********************************
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
********************************
Sayings...
1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me.
3. Growing old is inevitable ... growing UP is
optional.
4. There is no key to happiness. The door is always
open.
5. Silence is often misinterpreted but never
misquoted.
6. Do the math . count your blessings.
7. Faith is the ability to not panic.
8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
9. If you worry, you didn't pray ... If you pray,
don't worry.
10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling
home everyday.
11. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be
bent out of shape.
12. The most important things in your house are the
people.
13 When we get tangled up in our problems, be still.
God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
Friday, June 24, 2005
hUMOR For June 24th
********************************
The Late Preacher
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a
grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no
family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost,
making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe
and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid
already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his
tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the
deceased to the great beyond
in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen
anything like that."
********************************
Withheld Pay
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
********************************
Simple Obedience
This morning while she was getting dressed, she insisted on wearing a skirt under her dress. I tried in vain to talk her out of it. Since she's never worn the two together before, I asked her where she got the idea of wearing the skirt with the dress.
She said during graduation practice, one of the teachers said "Girls will wear dresses and skirts."
********************************
Dream
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
********************************
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our lives we
could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court, when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
********************************
Interview Question
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer.
"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant.
"It means I don't get the job."
The Late Preacher
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a
grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no
family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost,
making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe
and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid
already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his
tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the
deceased to the great beyond
in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen
anything like that."
********************************
Withheld Pay
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
********************************
Simple Obedience
This morning while she was getting dressed, she insisted on wearing a skirt under her dress. I tried in vain to talk her out of it. Since she's never worn the two together before, I asked her where she got the idea of wearing the skirt with the dress.
She said during graduation practice, one of the teachers said "Girls will wear dresses and skirts."
********************************
Dream
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
********************************
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our lives we
could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court, when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
********************************
Interview Question
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer.
"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant.
"It means I don't get the job."
Thursday, June 23, 2005
hUMOR For June 23rd
********************************
Career Change
When Ruthie's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner."
********************************
An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.
The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was rejected with the explanation, "We share everything."
Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the
same offer. Same rejection: "No thank you, we share everything."
After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while,
one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man, "Then why aren't you eating? What are you waiting for?"
The reply: "The teeth."
********************************
Myron recently had a full medical check up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were complete, his doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.
Myron was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be 80, doctor?"
He replied, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
"Oh no", Myron replied, "I've never done either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?
Myron replied, "No, I've heard that red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" asked the doctor.
"No I don't," Myron replied.
Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have dangerous hobbies?"
"No," said Myron, "I've done none of those things."
The doctor looked at Myron and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"
********************************
Exhortations & Stuff
A Preacher Resume
A church was in need of a preacher, and one of the
members was interested in finding out just what kind
of preacher the church wanted. In order to do this he
composed a letter as though it had been received from
a preacher and read it to the committee selecting a
new preacher.
"Gentlemen: Understanding that you need a preacher, I
would like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications that I think you would appreciate. I have been blessed to preach with power and have some success as a writer. Some say that I am a good organizer. I have been a leader in most places I have gone. Some folks, however, have some things against me. I am over fifty years of age. I have never preached in one place for more than three years at a time. In some places I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I have to admit that I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any wrongdoing. My health is not too good, though I still get a good deal done. I have had to work at my trade to help pay my way. The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities. I have not gotten along too well with the religious leaders in different towns where I have preached, and I am sure that they will not recommend me. In fact, some of them have threatened me, taken me to court, and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known even to forget whom I have baptized. However, if you can use me, I shall do my best for you, even if I have to work to help with my support."
After reading the letter to the committee, and asking
if they were interested in the applicant, they replied
that he would never do for their church. They were not interested in any unhealthy, trouble-making, contentious, ex-convict; and were insulted that his application had ever been presented! But one of them did ask the preacher's name, and the member replied, "The Apostle Paul."
(Author Unknown)
Career Change
When Ruthie's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner."
********************************
An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.
The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was rejected with the explanation, "We share everything."
Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the
same offer. Same rejection: "No thank you, we share everything."
After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while,
one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man, "Then why aren't you eating? What are you waiting for?"
The reply: "The teeth."
********************************
Myron recently had a full medical check up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were complete, his doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.
Myron was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be 80, doctor?"
He replied, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
"Oh no", Myron replied, "I've never done either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?
Myron replied, "No, I've heard that red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" asked the doctor.
"No I don't," Myron replied.
Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have dangerous hobbies?"
"No," said Myron, "I've done none of those things."
The doctor looked at Myron and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"
********************************
Exhortations & Stuff
A Preacher Resume
A church was in need of a preacher, and one of the
members was interested in finding out just what kind
of preacher the church wanted. In order to do this he
composed a letter as though it had been received from
a preacher and read it to the committee selecting a
new preacher.
"Gentlemen: Understanding that you need a preacher, I
would like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications that I think you would appreciate. I have been blessed to preach with power and have some success as a writer. Some say that I am a good organizer. I have been a leader in most places I have gone. Some folks, however, have some things against me. I am over fifty years of age. I have never preached in one place for more than three years at a time. In some places I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I have to admit that I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any wrongdoing. My health is not too good, though I still get a good deal done. I have had to work at my trade to help pay my way. The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities. I have not gotten along too well with the religious leaders in different towns where I have preached, and I am sure that they will not recommend me. In fact, some of them have threatened me, taken me to court, and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known even to forget whom I have baptized. However, if you can use me, I shall do my best for you, even if I have to work to help with my support."
After reading the letter to the committee, and asking
if they were interested in the applicant, they replied
that he would never do for their church. They were not interested in any unhealthy, trouble-making, contentious, ex-convict; and were insulted that his application had ever been presented! But one of them did ask the preacher's name, and the member replied, "The Apostle Paul."
(Author Unknown)
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
hUMOR For June 22nd
********************************
Words Per Day
Abraham was reading an article out loud to his wife. "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?"
Sadie replies, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice."
Abraham turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"
********************************
Communications Skills
A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, He said...no.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever.... and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die
********************************
Wedding
Selma and Irving receive an invitation in the mail. Since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that they were asked to attend a wedding.
All was fine until they reached the last line. Confused, Irving asks Selma, "Selma, vat does this "RSVP" mean?"
Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn't remember.
Finally, she cries out: "Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"
********************************
GCFL Note: It's highly likely that the numbers below are
off. Please don't let that kill the humor of this classic!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood,
but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of the USA is about 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do all the work.
You and me, and you're sitting on your rear, at your
computer, reading jokes!
********************************
Exhortations & Stuff
THE FAITHFUL FEW
In every church, in every clime,
When there's some work to do,
It's very likely to be done
By just the "Faithful Few."
Many folks will help to sing,
And some are glad to talk;
But when it comes to doing things;
A lot of them will balk.
"I can't do this, I can't do that;
Excuse me, please, this time
I'd be so glad to help you out,
But it's just not in my line."
So when the brethren look about
For some who'll help to "do,"
They nearly always have to go
And ask the "Faithful Few."
They know full well they're busy, too,
And always hard at work.
Yet they are sure they'll not refuse
Not any duty shirk.
They never stop to make excuses
But always try to do
The very, very best they can
To smooth the way for you.
God bless, I pray, the "Faithful Few,"
And may their tribe increase.
They must be very precious to
The blessed Prince of Peace.
by Chester Shuler
********************************
Searching for Witnesses
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had
struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale,
nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Sir," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole."
Words Per Day
Abraham was reading an article out loud to his wife. "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?"
Sadie replies, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice."
Abraham turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"
********************************
Communications Skills
A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, He said...no.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever.... and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die
********************************
Wedding
Selma and Irving receive an invitation in the mail. Since it was many years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very excited that they were asked to attend a wedding.
All was fine until they reached the last line. Confused, Irving asks Selma, "Selma, vat does this "RSVP" mean?"
Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn't remember.
Finally, she cries out: "Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!! It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"
********************************
GCFL Note: It's highly likely that the numbers below are
off. Please don't let that kill the humor of this classic!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,
too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood,
but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of the USA is about 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do all the work.
You and me, and you're sitting on your rear, at your
computer, reading jokes!
********************************
Exhortations & Stuff
THE FAITHFUL FEW
In every church, in every clime,
When there's some work to do,
It's very likely to be done
By just the "Faithful Few."
Many folks will help to sing,
And some are glad to talk;
But when it comes to doing things;
A lot of them will balk.
"I can't do this, I can't do that;
Excuse me, please, this time
I'd be so glad to help you out,
But it's just not in my line."
So when the brethren look about
For some who'll help to "do,"
They nearly always have to go
And ask the "Faithful Few."
They know full well they're busy, too,
And always hard at work.
Yet they are sure they'll not refuse
Not any duty shirk.
They never stop to make excuses
But always try to do
The very, very best they can
To smooth the way for you.
God bless, I pray, the "Faithful Few,"
And may their tribe increase.
They must be very precious to
The blessed Prince of Peace.
by Chester Shuler
********************************
Searching for Witnesses
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had
struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale,
nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Sir," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole."
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
hUMOR For June 21st
********************************
Dog Driver
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."
********************************
It won't be long before John (the guy that keeps GCFL
running) will be an official Father. Estimated time of
arrival is now August 25th! More updates later. */
Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.
Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately, a policeman arrived and approached Jack, who was standing next to the crashed car, eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.
Jack looked up and said, "Well, the first thing I'm going to
do is change my grip."
********************************
Why you shouldn't respond to chain messages.
If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days...
In 40 days, approximately 10 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet.
From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.
From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.
Of course, the Internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the Internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.
The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.
I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful. Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.
********************************
Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear
I swallowed a goldfish.
Your lipstick works better than crayons.
Does grape juice leave a stain?
The principal called...
But DAD says that word all the time.
What's it cost to fix a window?
Has anyone seen my earthworms?
I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
********************************
BOUDREAUX IN COURT
Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a
truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer
was questioning Boudreaux. "Didn't you say, at the
scene of the accident, "I'm fine," the lawyer asked?
Boudreaux responded, "Mais, Let me told you what
happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule,
Bessie, into da . . . . "
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer
interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not
say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer
and I was driving down da road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of
the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on
the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in
Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like
to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie".
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, " I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer
and was driving her down da highway when dis huge
semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my
truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder. I was
hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall.
But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me,
I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by
her groans."
"Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he
came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin'
so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a
look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between
da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in
hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you
feeling?'"
"Now what would you say?"
********************************
Power Outage
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was betteron his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God Said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test which willtake two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sentfaxes.
They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. Theydownloaded.
They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did everyknown job.
Suddenly, 10 minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenlyflashed across sky, thunder and the rain poured down and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restartedtheir computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's allgone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from thepast two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He must havecheated! How did he do it????!"
(You'll love the punch line...)
God shrugged and said,"JESUS SAVES"...
Dog Driver
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."
********************************
It won't be long before John (the guy that keeps GCFL
running) will be an official Father. Estimated time of
arrival is now August 25th! More updates later. */
Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.
Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately, a policeman arrived and approached Jack, who was standing next to the crashed car, eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.
Jack looked up and said, "Well, the first thing I'm going to
do is change my grip."
********************************
Why you shouldn't respond to chain messages.
If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days...
In 40 days, approximately 10 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet.
From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.
From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.
Of course, the Internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the Internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.
The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.
I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful. Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.
********************************
Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear
I swallowed a goldfish.
Your lipstick works better than crayons.
Does grape juice leave a stain?
The principal called...
But DAD says that word all the time.
What's it cost to fix a window?
Has anyone seen my earthworms?
I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
********************************
BOUDREAUX IN COURT
Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a
truck. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer
was questioning Boudreaux. "Didn't you say, at the
scene of the accident, "I'm fine," the lawyer asked?
Boudreaux responded, "Mais, Let me told you what
happened. Me, I had jus loaded my favorite mule,
Bessie, into da . . . . "
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer
interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not
say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?
Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer
and I was driving down da road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of
the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on
the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in
Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like
to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie".
Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, " I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer
and was driving her down da highway when dis huge
semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my
truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into da udder. I was
hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at tall.
But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me,
I knew she was in some kind o' terrible shape just by
her groans."
"Shortly after da accident, a Highway Patrolman, he
came on da scene. He herd Bessie moanin' and groanin'
so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself a
look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between
da eyes. Den da Patrolman came cross da road, gun in
hand, and looked at me, and said 'How are you
feeling?'"
"Now what would you say?"
********************************
Power Outage
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was betteron his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally, God Said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test which willtake two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sentfaxes.
They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. Theydownloaded.
They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did everyknown job.
Suddenly, 10 minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenlyflashed across sky, thunder and the rain poured down and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restartedtheir computers.
Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's allgone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from thepast two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He must havecheated! How did he do it????!"
(You'll love the punch line...)
God shrugged and said,"JESUS SAVES"...
Monday, June 20, 2005
hUMOR For June 20th
********************************
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the
toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer,
then you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes We Just Need to Remember What The Rules of
Life Really Are...
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have
another chance!
And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and
Friends. You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan!
********************************
Do Not:
Do not ride in automobiles: they are responsible for
20 % of all fatal accidents.
Do not stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the
home.
Do not walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all
accidents occur to pedestrians.
Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all
accidents happen on these.
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders.
Hence the safest place for you to be at any time is at
church! See you Sunday!
~ Author Unknown
********************************
Heartfelt
Jimmy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
When the teacher's eyes fell on Jimmy, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his behind.
"James, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."
Jimmy replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Jimmy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
Home Remedies
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the
toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer,
then you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes We Just Need to Remember What The Rules of
Life Really Are...
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have
another chance!
And Finally... Be Really Good To Your Family and
Friends. You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan!
********************************
Do Not:
Do not ride in automobiles: they are responsible for
20 % of all fatal accidents.
Do not stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the
home.
Do not walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all
accidents occur to pedestrians.
Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all
accidents happen on these.
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders.
Hence the safest place for you to be at any time is at
church! See you Sunday!
~ Author Unknown
********************************
Heartfelt
Jimmy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
When the teacher's eyes fell on Jimmy, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his behind.
"James, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."
Jimmy replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Jimmy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
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