********************************
Movie Night
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her.
We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You've Got Mail and The Matrix.
She's still mad at me. What did I do?
********************************
Men and Women
Woman 1: Did you get a new haircut?
Woman 2: Yes, I did. Thanks for noticing.
W1: Oh! That's so cute!
W2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure after my hairdresser gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
W1: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
W2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
W1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck!
W2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
MEANWHILE....
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
********************************
Shipwrecked
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red.
He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!!" he says.
"I think I've been marooned!!"
********************************
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
********************************
OOPs! Church Notices
1) The young children are saving aluminum cans,
bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will
be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to
make calls on people who are not afflicted with
anyone.
3) The minister would appreciate it if the ladies of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4) The audience is asked to remain seated until the
end of the recession.
5) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at
7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
6) Ushers will eat latecomers.
7) For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8) Bro. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight
of the audience.
9) The minister will preach his farewell message,
after which the congregation will sing, "Break Forth
Into Joy."
10) During the absence of our minister, we enjoyed the
rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F.
Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
11) Next Sunday Bro. Jackson will lead the
congregational singing for the morning service. The
preacher will then speak on "It's a Terrible
Experience."
*****
The Poor Preacher
After worship service one Sunday, a little boy walked
up to the minister and handed him a quarter. The
minister asked why did he give him the money. The
little boy said, "Because my dad said you needed it
and I want to help you out."
The minister asked why he thought that way and the
little boy responded, "Because my dad said you were
the poorest preacher he had met."
WHO WILL PAY THE BILL?
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital for coronary
surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy
man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a
Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun
said while patting his hand. "We do have to know,
however, how you intend to pay for your stay here.
Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you
pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my
sister in New Mexico, but she's a spinster nun." said
the man. "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the
nun replied. "They are married to God." The man
said with a smile, "Okay, then bill my
brother-in-law."
********************************
The Preacher's Mother and the
Usher
A friendly usher greeted an elderly woman at the door
of the church building. "Where would you like to sit?"
he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said.
"The preacher is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the preacher's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Thursday, June 16, 2005
hUMOR For June 16th
********************************
Library Lost and Found
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She had used an emergency phone to call for help. Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Always remember the first rule of public speaking: Be brief, no matter how long it takes."
********************************
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the
altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs at his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going
to take all day, is it?"
********************************
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two goobers show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the goobers, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.She happens to look out the window and sees one of the goobers doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other goober and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The goober replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him."
"HEY NEIL! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
********************************
Why ARE Men Happier ?
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from
such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn
a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking
to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all
seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.
Of course, men are happier...
********************************
Defence Contractor
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to
explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations
before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up
while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense
Contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared
victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do
you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
Library Lost and Found
Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.
When I asked how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She had used an emergency phone to call for help. Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"
"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Always remember the first rule of public speaking: Be brief, no matter how long it takes."
********************************
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the
altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs at his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going
to take all day, is it?"
********************************
This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two goobers show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the goobers, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.She happens to look out the window and sees one of the goobers doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other goober and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The goober replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him."
"HEY NEIL! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
********************************
Why ARE Men Happier ?
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from
such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn
a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking
to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all
seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.
Of course, men are happier...
********************************
Defence Contractor
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to
explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations
before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up
while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense
Contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared
victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do
you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
hUMOR For June 15th
********************************
Time Management
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.
Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.
"What time does the course start, Pastor?"
The Pastor replied, "Oh... sixish, sevenish...."
********************************
Behavior Modification
An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."
The principal saw the item and asked, "What on earth are those?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.
********************************
Budget
I've been working on my budget.
Line one is my fixed expenses, line two is my fixed income and the difference is the fix I'm in.
********************************
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage
girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are
two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the
front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
********************************
I Don't Get It.....
I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the
house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager.
I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and
one weekly one. I watch both the local and network news every evening.
And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
********************************
Quotes
A Champion bull starts from birth.
- Luyia.Western Kenya
A hyena cannot smell its own stench.
- Kalenjin (Kenya)
He who marries a real beauty is seeking trouble.
- Accra proverb, Ghana
However long the night, the dawn will break.
People know each other better on a journey.
Plaatje
IRISH
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
A silent mouth is sweet to hear.
What butter and whiskey will not cure there's no cure
for.
Its no use boiling your cabbage twice.
Keep your tongue in your jaw and your tow in your
pump.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
ENGLISH
A bad penny always turns up.
It never rains, but it pours.
A fool and his money are soon parted.
Justice delayed is justice denied.
Lightning never strikes twice in the same place.
Love is blind.
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
One good turn deserves another.
********************************
It's about that time folks - so
thought I'd send out this reminder!!!!
OK, mosquitos... prepare to be repelled!!!!!
Use Bounce Fabric Softener Sheets...Best thing ever
used in Louisiana..just wipe on & go... Great for
Babies...
Bob, a fisherman, takes one vitamin B-1 tablet a day
April through October . He said it works. He was
right. Hasn't had a mosquito bite in 33 years. Try it.
Every one he has talked into trying it works on them.
Vitamin B-1( Thiamine Hydrochloride 100 mg.)
If you eat bananas, the mosquitos like you, -
something about the banana oil as your body processes
it. Stop eating bananas for the summer and the
mosquitos will be much less interested.
This is going to floor you, but one of the best insect repellents someone found (who is in the woods every day), is Vick's Vaporub.
Plant marigolds around the yard, the flowers give off
a smell that bugs do not like, so plant some in that
garden also to help ward off bugs without using
insecticides.
"Tough guy" Marines who spend a great deal of time
"camping out" say that the very best mosquito
repellant you can use is Avon Skin-So-Soft bath oil
mixed about half and half with alcohol.
One of the best natural insect repellants that I've
discovered is made from the clear real vanilla. This
is the pure Vanilla that is sold in Mexico. It works
great for mosquitoes and ticks, don't know about other
insects.
When all else fails--get a frog...
Fight West Nile.....pass this along to all your
friends in skeeter land!!!
********************************
Obey.....
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage
ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the
occasion."
Time Management
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.
Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.
"What time does the course start, Pastor?"
The Pastor replied, "Oh... sixish, sevenish...."
********************************
Behavior Modification
An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."
The principal saw the item and asked, "What on earth are those?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.
********************************
Budget
I've been working on my budget.
Line one is my fixed expenses, line two is my fixed income and the difference is the fix I'm in.
********************************
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage
girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are
two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the
front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
********************************
I Don't Get It.....
I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the
house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager.
I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and
one weekly one. I watch both the local and network news every evening.
And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
********************************
Quotes
A Champion bull starts from birth.
- Luyia.Western Kenya
A hyena cannot smell its own stench.
- Kalenjin (Kenya)
He who marries a real beauty is seeking trouble.
- Accra proverb, Ghana
However long the night, the dawn will break.
People know each other better on a journey.
Plaatje
IRISH
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
A silent mouth is sweet to hear.
What butter and whiskey will not cure there's no cure
for.
Its no use boiling your cabbage twice.
Keep your tongue in your jaw and your tow in your
pump.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
ENGLISH
A bad penny always turns up.
It never rains, but it pours.
A fool and his money are soon parted.
Justice delayed is justice denied.
Lightning never strikes twice in the same place.
Love is blind.
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
One good turn deserves another.
********************************
It's about that time folks - so
thought I'd send out this reminder!!!!
OK, mosquitos... prepare to be repelled!!!!!
Use Bounce Fabric Softener Sheets...Best thing ever
used in Louisiana..just wipe on & go... Great for
Babies...
Bob, a fisherman, takes one vitamin B-1 tablet a day
April through October . He said it works. He was
right. Hasn't had a mosquito bite in 33 years. Try it.
Every one he has talked into trying it works on them.
Vitamin B-1( Thiamine Hydrochloride 100 mg.)
If you eat bananas, the mosquitos like you, -
something about the banana oil as your body processes
it. Stop eating bananas for the summer and the
mosquitos will be much less interested.
This is going to floor you, but one of the best insect repellents someone found (who is in the woods every day), is Vick's Vaporub.
Plant marigolds around the yard, the flowers give off
a smell that bugs do not like, so plant some in that
garden also to help ward off bugs without using
insecticides.
"Tough guy" Marines who spend a great deal of time
"camping out" say that the very best mosquito
repellant you can use is Avon Skin-So-Soft bath oil
mixed about half and half with alcohol.
One of the best natural insect repellants that I've
discovered is made from the clear real vanilla. This
is the pure Vanilla that is sold in Mexico. It works
great for mosquitoes and ticks, don't know about other
insects.
When all else fails--get a frog...
Fight West Nile.....pass this along to all your
friends in skeeter land!!!
********************************
Obey.....
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage
ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the
occasion."
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
hUMOR For June 14th
********************************
One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour behind schedule."
Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside
the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will arrive at our destination about three hours late."
After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines go out, we'll be up here forever."
********************************
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk.
He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"
"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."
********************************
Quotes
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
English Proverb (17th century)
One good turn deserves another.
One of these day is none of these days.
Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches
Opportunity seldom knocks twice.
Poor men seek meat for their stomach, rich men stomach
for their meat.
Practice makes perfect.
Prevention is better than cure.
Rats desert a sinking ship.
The early bird catches the worm.
The first step is the hardest.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the
fence.
The last straw breaks the camel's back.
The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.
The pot calls the kettle black.
There's a black sheep in every flock.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no place like home.
Things are not always what they seem.
********************************
The Wedding Plans
George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing
each other for 2 years when they decided that life
was too short and they might as well be together for
the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision
to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss
the wedding and what plans need to be made.
Along their way, they found themselves in front of a
drugstore. George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go
in. I have idea." They walked to the rear of the
store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.
The pharmacist answered, "Yes sir, I am. How can I
help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
George: "How about support hose for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
George: "What about medications for rheumatism,
osteoporosis & arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof furniture pads &
Depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies & reading
glasses?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
George: "What about eye drops,sleeping
pills,Geritol,Preparation - H and ExLax?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers & canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these
questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied
to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and
we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry"
One day a blonde was riding on an airplane. There was a loud noise that came from outside the plane. The captain came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, we just lost one of our engines; but don't worry, the other three engines will keep us up. Also, we will arrive at our destination about an hour behind schedule."
Half an hour later, another loud noise sounded from outside
the plane. The captain once again came on the intercom, "Attention passengers, do not be alarmed. We lost another engine, but the other two will still keep us flying. We will arrive at our destination about three hours late."
After the captain said this, the blonde leaned over to the passenger next to her and said, "If those other two engines go out, we'll be up here forever."
********************************
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk.
He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"
"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."
********************************
Quotes
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
English Proverb (17th century)
One good turn deserves another.
One of these day is none of these days.
Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches
Opportunity seldom knocks twice.
Poor men seek meat for their stomach, rich men stomach
for their meat.
Practice makes perfect.
Prevention is better than cure.
Rats desert a sinking ship.
The early bird catches the worm.
The first step is the hardest.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the
fence.
The last straw breaks the camel's back.
The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.
The pot calls the kettle black.
There's a black sheep in every flock.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no place like home.
Things are not always what they seem.
********************************
The Wedding Plans
George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing
each other for 2 years when they decided that life
was too short and they might as well be together for
the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision
to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss
the wedding and what plans need to be made.
Along their way, they found themselves in front of a
drugstore. George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go
in. I have idea." They walked to the rear of the
store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.
The pharmacist answered, "Yes sir, I am. How can I
help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
George: "How about support hose for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
George: "What about medications for rheumatism,
osteoporosis & arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof furniture pads &
Depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies & reading
glasses?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
George: "What about eye drops,sleeping
pills,Geritol,Preparation - H and ExLax?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers & canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these
questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied
to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and
we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry"
Monday, June 13, 2005
hUMOR For June 13th
********************************
You're No Longer A Kid When
You're No Longer A Kid When...
- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
- You have friends who have kids.
- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
- Your parents' jokes are now funny.
- Naps are good.
- When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
- You WANT clothes for Christmas.
- You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
********************************
IRISH PROVERBS
A boys best friend is his mother and there's no
spancel stronger than her apron string.
A buckle is a great addition to an old shoe.
A handstaff of holly, a buailtin of hazel,a single
sheaf and a clean floor.
A king;s son is not nobler than his food.
A live dog is better than a dead lion.
A narrow neck keeps the bottle from being emptied in
one swig.
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.
A poem ought to be well made at first, for there is
many a one to spoil it afterwards.
A scholars ink lasts longer than a martyrs blood.
If the knitter is weary the baby will have no new
bonnet.
If you have one pair of good soles its better than two
pairs of good uppers.
If you lie down with dogs you'll rise with fleas.
If you put a silk dress on a goat he is a goat still.
In winter the milk goes to the cow's horns.
It s no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are
leaking.
It's as hard to see a woman crying as it is to see a
barefooted duck.
It's beter than the loan you couldn't get.
It's better than it's want.
It's difficult to choose between two blind goats.
Take gifts with a sigh most men give to be paid.
The best way to keep loyalty in a man's heart is to
keep money in his purse.
The end of a feast is better than the beginning of a
fight.
The fox never found a better messenger than himself.
The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely
buried.
The longest road out is the shortest road home.
The old pipe gives the sweetest smoke.
The older the fiddle the sweeter the tune.
The one who waits the fine day, will get the fine day.
The one who waits the fine day, will get the fine day.
********************************
Better Trainer
A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."
You're No Longer A Kid When
You're No Longer A Kid When...
- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
- You have friends who have kids.
- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
- Your parents' jokes are now funny.
- Naps are good.
- When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
- You WANT clothes for Christmas.
- You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
********************************
IRISH PROVERBS
A boys best friend is his mother and there's no
spancel stronger than her apron string.
A buckle is a great addition to an old shoe.
A handstaff of holly, a buailtin of hazel,a single
sheaf and a clean floor.
A king;s son is not nobler than his food.
A live dog is better than a dead lion.
A narrow neck keeps the bottle from being emptied in
one swig.
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.
A poem ought to be well made at first, for there is
many a one to spoil it afterwards.
A scholars ink lasts longer than a martyrs blood.
If the knitter is weary the baby will have no new
bonnet.
If you have one pair of good soles its better than two
pairs of good uppers.
If you lie down with dogs you'll rise with fleas.
If you put a silk dress on a goat he is a goat still.
In winter the milk goes to the cow's horns.
It s no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are
leaking.
It's as hard to see a woman crying as it is to see a
barefooted duck.
It's beter than the loan you couldn't get.
It's better than it's want.
It's difficult to choose between two blind goats.
Take gifts with a sigh most men give to be paid.
The best way to keep loyalty in a man's heart is to
keep money in his purse.
The end of a feast is better than the beginning of a
fight.
The fox never found a better messenger than himself.
The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely
buried.
The longest road out is the shortest road home.
The old pipe gives the sweetest smoke.
The older the fiddle the sweeter the tune.
The one who waits the fine day, will get the fine day.
The one who waits the fine day, will get the fine day.
********************************
Better Trainer
A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."
Sunday, June 12, 2005
hUMOR For June 12th
********************************
Stress Relief
As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at
night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the
strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate. (Because the game is online,
the team players do not see each other since they are playing from
different locations, sometimes in different cities or countries).
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master
strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after
another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless
leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I typed back, "Ten."
********************************
Most Famous Man
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
********************************
Errors and Mistakes
To err is human; to forgive devine.
To err is human; to purr, feline.
To err is human; two curs, canine.
To err is human; to do nothing, benign.
To err is human; to quit, resign.
To err is human; to howl, lupine.
To err is human; to solve, design.
To err is human; to moo, bovine.
To err is human; to soothe, calomine.
To err is human; to pretend, pantomime.
To err is human; to bloom, columbine.
To err is human; to prance, equine.
To err is human; to add, combine.
To err is human; to befriend, pal o' mine.
To err is human; to woo, Valentine.
To err is human; to horrify, Frankenstein.
To err is human; to straighten, align.
To err is human; to drown, Clementine.
To err is human; to twist, serpentine.
To err is human; to love, sublime.
To err is human; to cut in, go back in line!
********************************
23rd Psalm
The Lord is my Shepherd
THAT'S RELATIONSHIP!
I shall not want
THAT'S SUPPLY!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
THAT'S REST!
He leadeth me beside still waters
THAT'S REFRESHMENT!
He restoreth my soul
THAT'S HEALING!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness
THAT'S GUIDANCE!
For His name sake
THAT'S PURPOSE!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the
shadow of death
THAT'S TESTING!
I will fear no evil
THAT'S PROTECTION!
For Thou art with me
THAT'S FAITHFULNESS!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me
THAT'S DISCIPLINE!
Thou preparest a table before me in the
presence of mine enemies
THAT'S HOPE!
Thou anointest my head with oil
THAT'S CONSECRATION!
My cup runneth over
THAT'S ABUNDANCE!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life
THAT'S BLESSING!
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
THAT'S SECURITY!
Forever
THAT'S ETERNITY!
******************************************************
>From a friend -- Love to Fish
One day, two guys, Larry and Butch were out fishing. A
funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing
by, and Butch takes off his hat and puts it over his
heart. He does this until the funeral service passes
by.
Larry then said, "Gee Butch, I didn't know you had it
in you!"
Butch replies, "It's the least I could do. After all
I was married to her for twenty years..."
Stress Relief
As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at
night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the
strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate. (Because the game is online,
the team players do not see each other since they are playing from
different locations, sometimes in different cities or countries).
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master
strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after
another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless
leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I typed back, "Ten."
********************************
Most Famous Man
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
********************************
Errors and Mistakes
To err is human; to forgive devine.
To err is human; to purr, feline.
To err is human; two curs, canine.
To err is human; to do nothing, benign.
To err is human; to quit, resign.
To err is human; to howl, lupine.
To err is human; to solve, design.
To err is human; to moo, bovine.
To err is human; to soothe, calomine.
To err is human; to pretend, pantomime.
To err is human; to bloom, columbine.
To err is human; to prance, equine.
To err is human; to add, combine.
To err is human; to befriend, pal o' mine.
To err is human; to woo, Valentine.
To err is human; to horrify, Frankenstein.
To err is human; to straighten, align.
To err is human; to drown, Clementine.
To err is human; to twist, serpentine.
To err is human; to love, sublime.
To err is human; to cut in, go back in line!
********************************
23rd Psalm
The Lord is my Shepherd
THAT'S RELATIONSHIP!
I shall not want
THAT'S SUPPLY!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures
THAT'S REST!
He leadeth me beside still waters
THAT'S REFRESHMENT!
He restoreth my soul
THAT'S HEALING!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness
THAT'S GUIDANCE!
For His name sake
THAT'S PURPOSE!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the
shadow of death
THAT'S TESTING!
I will fear no evil
THAT'S PROTECTION!
For Thou art with me
THAT'S FAITHFULNESS!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me
THAT'S DISCIPLINE!
Thou preparest a table before me in the
presence of mine enemies
THAT'S HOPE!
Thou anointest my head with oil
THAT'S CONSECRATION!
My cup runneth over
THAT'S ABUNDANCE!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life
THAT'S BLESSING!
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
THAT'S SECURITY!
Forever
THAT'S ETERNITY!
******************************************************
>From a friend -- Love to Fish
One day, two guys, Larry and Butch were out fishing. A
funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing
by, and Butch takes off his hat and puts it over his
heart. He does this until the funeral service passes
by.
Larry then said, "Gee Butch, I didn't know you had it
in you!"
Butch replies, "It's the least I could do. After all
I was married to her for twenty years..."
Saturday, June 11, 2005
hUMOR For June 11th
********************************
Grandma Thanks
A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. 'Would Grandma like to have her three little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law took a five-day holiday trip?' Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord.
The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put twenty dollars in the collection.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Everyone is a fool for at least five minutes each day. Wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."
********************************
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative
client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."
********************************
The temperature had taken an overnight plunge, and Minnesota reaffirmed its reputation as one of the nation's coldest states. Despite a wind-chill of minus 40, the steelworkers erecting a TV tower in a Minneapolis, St. Paul suburb, showed up for work. By 9 A.M., a tall Texan climbed down from the tower and entered the office trailer. He took his lunch pail from the shelf and headed for the door.
"What's up?" the foreman asked. "You sick?"
"Nope," the Texan replied. "Goin' home to get my jacket."
"Where's home?" the foreman persisted.
"Dallas," he said.
********************************
Daffynitions
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves
Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries
to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a
mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put
together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a
living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his
bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top
of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in
front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your
wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 200 pounds in a
size two.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store
does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: A guy, that works on one of those submarines. Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official
********************************
Good System
When white men discovered this country, Indians were
running it. No Taxes. No Debt. Women did most of the
work. Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
White men were dumb enough to think they could improve
a system like that.
********************************
Speeding Farmer
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state
trooper started to lecture him about his speed,
pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any
better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies." The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse." The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?" "Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that." "That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
********************************
Coo Coo
In the trenches of the First World War a load of
troops are hemmed in by the Germans and they're
awaiting orders via a carrier pigeon.
They see the pigeon approaching with a message and
then the pigeon falls from the sky.
The Captain then asks for a volunteer to go and get
the message from the pigeon--nobody steps forward
except daft Paddy. He says, "I'll go for my country".
Anyway, he crawls out of the trench and all you hear
are bullets, mortar, bombs, etc. and everyone thinks
Paddy is dead.
Two hours later Paddy arrives back into the trench and
everyone cheers for his safe return.
The Captain asks, "Did you get to the pigeon?"
Paddy says, "Yes".
The Captain says, "Did it have a message?"
Paddy says, "Yes".
The Captain says, "What was the message?"
Paddy says, "Coo! Coo!"
Grandma Thanks
A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. 'Would Grandma like to have her three little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law took a five-day holiday trip?' Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord.
The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put twenty dollars in the collection.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Everyone is a fool for at least five minutes each day. Wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit."
********************************
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative
client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."
********************************
The temperature had taken an overnight plunge, and Minnesota reaffirmed its reputation as one of the nation's coldest states. Despite a wind-chill of minus 40, the steelworkers erecting a TV tower in a Minneapolis, St. Paul suburb, showed up for work. By 9 A.M., a tall Texan climbed down from the tower and entered the office trailer. He took his lunch pail from the shelf and headed for the door.
"What's up?" the foreman asked. "You sick?"
"Nope," the Texan replied. "Goin' home to get my jacket."
"Where's home?" the foreman persisted.
"Dallas," he said.
********************************
Daffynitions
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves
Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries
to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a
mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put
together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a
living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his
bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top
of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in
front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your
wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 200 pounds in a
size two.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store
does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: A guy, that works on one of those submarines. Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official
********************************
Good System
When white men discovered this country, Indians were
running it. No Taxes. No Debt. Women did most of the
work. Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
White men were dumb enough to think they could improve
a system like that.
********************************
Speeding Farmer
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state
trooper started to lecture him about his speed,
pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any
better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies." The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse." The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?" "Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that." "That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
********************************
Coo Coo
In the trenches of the First World War a load of
troops are hemmed in by the Germans and they're
awaiting orders via a carrier pigeon.
They see the pigeon approaching with a message and
then the pigeon falls from the sky.
The Captain then asks for a volunteer to go and get
the message from the pigeon--nobody steps forward
except daft Paddy. He says, "I'll go for my country".
Anyway, he crawls out of the trench and all you hear
are bullets, mortar, bombs, etc. and everyone thinks
Paddy is dead.
Two hours later Paddy arrives back into the trench and
everyone cheers for his safe return.
The Captain asks, "Did you get to the pigeon?"
Paddy says, "Yes".
The Captain says, "Did it have a message?"
Paddy says, "Yes".
The Captain says, "What was the message?"
Paddy says, "Coo! Coo!"
Friday, June 10, 2005
hUMOR For June 10th
********************************
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is
like shoveling the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
"There is only one pretty child in the world and every
mother has it." -- Chinese Proverb
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still
getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your
children.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of
the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.
I love to give homemade gifts...which one of my kids do you want?
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
you've purchased new school clothes.
Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a
few minutes of their time each day.
********************************
For the kid in all of us... some silly ones...
How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroids
What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A
Vampire?
Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
What is the difference between roast beef and pea
soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop,
Clop?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting
How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The
Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
********************************
Thanks to a friend: The Judge
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in
the sticks when he was amazed to find a former
lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this
wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks,
would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I
arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a
costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in
this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to
book a judge by his cover."
********************************
Proper Identification 2
(DJ, who sent this to me, works for a large national cellular telephone
company in a call center running credit checks for the agents in the
stores. He got a call one day from an agent trying to run such a credit
check. He noted here that one of their requirements for a credit
application is a valid state issued picture ID.)
Agent: "My customer doesn't have a driver's license, but he does have his
state fishing license."
Rep: "Does it have his picture on it?"
Agent: "No, but it has a picture of a fish on it."
Rep: "Is his last name 'Trout?'"
Agent: "No, it's Smith."
(At this point, DJ reported that it was going to be a long day.)
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is
like shoveling the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
"There is only one pretty child in the world and every
mother has it." -- Chinese Proverb
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still
getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your
children.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of
the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.
I love to give homemade gifts...which one of my kids do you want?
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
you've purchased new school clothes.
Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a
few minutes of their time each day.
********************************
For the kid in all of us... some silly ones...
How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroids
What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A
Vampire?
Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
What is the difference between roast beef and pea
soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop,
Clop?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting
How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The
Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
********************************
Thanks to a friend: The Judge
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in
the sticks when he was amazed to find a former
lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this
wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks,
would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I
arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a
costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in
this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to
book a judge by his cover."
********************************
Proper Identification 2
(DJ, who sent this to me, works for a large national cellular telephone
company in a call center running credit checks for the agents in the
stores. He got a call one day from an agent trying to run such a credit
check. He noted here that one of their requirements for a credit
application is a valid state issued picture ID.)
Agent: "My customer doesn't have a driver's license, but he does have his
state fishing license."
Rep: "Does it have his picture on it?"
Agent: "No, but it has a picture of a fish on it."
Rep: "Is his last name 'Trout?'"
Agent: "No, it's Smith."
(At this point, DJ reported that it was going to be a long day.)
Thursday, June 09, 2005
hUMOR For June 9th
********************************
Exercise Program
Here is an exercise program for those of us whose wisdom exceeds our ambition. The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere. If I can do it, you can do this, too.
Monday:Beat around the bush.Jump to conclusions.Climb the walls.Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:Drag my heels.Push my luck.Make mountains out of molehills.Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:Bend over backwards.Jump on the bandwagon.Balance the books.Run around in circles.
Thursday:Toot my own horn.Climb the ladder of success.Pull out the stops.Add fuel to the fire.
Friday:Open a can of worms.Put my foot in my mouth.Start the ball rolling.Go over the edge.
Saturday:Pick up the pieces.
********************************
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Mommy!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the
church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a
box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
********************************
Walk the Walk
This little story is a good reminder for each of us
to not only "Talk the Talk," but to "Walk the Walk."
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out
woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned
yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and
the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her
chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious
police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her
car with her hands up. He took her to the police
station where she was sea! rched, finger printed,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to
the booking desk where the arresting officer was
waiting with her personal effects. He said, I'm
very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a
blue streak at him.
I noticed the Choose Life license plate holder, the
What Would Jesus Do? bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday-School bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car. Priceless!!
********************************
Outside Looking In
A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and
when asked why he's there, the fellow responds,
"Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking
in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have
to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few
basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer."
********************************
Outside Looking In
A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and
when asked why he's there, the fellow responds,
"Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking
in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have
to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few
basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer."
********************************
Keeping Grandpa
At my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo
album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have
come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she
said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
Exercise Program
Here is an exercise program for those of us whose wisdom exceeds our ambition. The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere. If I can do it, you can do this, too.
Monday:Beat around the bush.Jump to conclusions.Climb the walls.Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:Drag my heels.Push my luck.Make mountains out of molehills.Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:Bend over backwards.Jump on the bandwagon.Balance the books.Run around in circles.
Thursday:Toot my own horn.Climb the ladder of success.Pull out the stops.Add fuel to the fire.
Friday:Open a can of worms.Put my foot in my mouth.Start the ball rolling.Go over the edge.
Saturday:Pick up the pieces.
********************************
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Mommy!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the
church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a
box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
********************************
Walk the Walk
This little story is a good reminder for each of us
to not only "Talk the Talk," but to "Walk the Walk."
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out
woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned
yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and
the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her
chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious
police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her
car with her hands up. He took her to the police
station where she was sea! rched, finger printed,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to
the booking desk where the arresting officer was
waiting with her personal effects. He said, I'm
very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a
blue streak at him.
I noticed the Choose Life license plate holder, the
What Would Jesus Do? bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday-School bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car. Priceless!!
********************************
Outside Looking In
A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and
when asked why he's there, the fellow responds,
"Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking
in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have
to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few
basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer."
********************************
Outside Looking In
A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and
when asked why he's there, the fellow responds,
"Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking
in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have
to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few
basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer."
********************************
Keeping Grandpa
At my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo
album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have
come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she
said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
hUMOR For June 8th
********************************
Work Ethic
Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.
Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.
It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
********************************
Dating
Two elderly gentlemen were visiting. "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me but to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."
"Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."
"No, I don't think it's that."
"Well, maybe you remind her of her father."
"No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon 14."
********************************
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as
she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant
lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast
a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned
in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to
herself and thought, "I don't think so!"
********************************
George Washington's Rules of
Civility
In George Washington's rules of civility &
conversation (Little Books of Wisdom Series,Applegate
Books,30 pages) Our foundling Father gives 110 rules
of civility,many of which are still applicable today.
They include:
Rule 1:Every action done in company ought to be done
with some sign of respect to those that are present.
Rule11:Shift not yourself in the sight of others or
gnaw your nails.
Rule22:Shew not yourself glad at the misfortune of another,though he were your enemy.
Rule23:When you crime punished,you may be inwardly
pleased,but always shew pity to the offender.
Rule35:Let your discourse of business with men be
short and comprehensive.
Rule38:In visiting the sick,do not presently play the
physician if you be not knowing therein.
Rule49:Use no reproachful language against
anyone,neither curse or revile.
Rule56:Associate your self with Men of good quality if
you esteem your own reputation,For 'tis better to be
alone than in bad company.
Rule70:Reprehend not the imperfections of others,for
that belongs to Parent's
Rule81:Be not curious the affairs of other's neither
approach those that speak in private.
Rule110:Labor to keep alive in your breast that little
spark of celestial fire called Conscience.
George Washington
********************************
Say What?
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a
sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of
which was unspecified.
One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to
the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the
second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented
in the same direction taken by the first team member.
In simple English what does this translate to??
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
Work Ethic
Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.
Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.
It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
********************************
Dating
Two elderly gentlemen were visiting. "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me but to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."
"Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."
"No, I don't think it's that."
"Well, maybe you remind her of her father."
"No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon 14."
********************************
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as
she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant
lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast
a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned
in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to
herself and thought, "I don't think so!"
********************************
George Washington's Rules of
Civility
In George Washington's rules of civility &
conversation (Little Books of Wisdom Series,Applegate
Books,30 pages) Our foundling Father gives 110 rules
of civility,many of which are still applicable today.
They include:
Rule 1:Every action done in company ought to be done
with some sign of respect to those that are present.
Rule11:Shift not yourself in the sight of others or
gnaw your nails.
Rule22:Shew not yourself glad at the misfortune of another,though he were your enemy.
Rule23:When you crime punished,you may be inwardly
pleased,but always shew pity to the offender.
Rule35:Let your discourse of business with men be
short and comprehensive.
Rule38:In visiting the sick,do not presently play the
physician if you be not knowing therein.
Rule49:Use no reproachful language against
anyone,neither curse or revile.
Rule56:Associate your self with Men of good quality if
you esteem your own reputation,For 'tis better to be
alone than in bad company.
Rule70:Reprehend not the imperfections of others,for
that belongs to Parent's
Rule81:Be not curious the affairs of other's neither
approach those that speak in private.
Rule110:Labor to keep alive in your breast that little
spark of celestial fire called Conscience.
George Washington
********************************
Say What?
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a
sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of
which was unspecified.
One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to
the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the
second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented
in the same direction taken by the first team member.
In simple English what does this translate to??
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
hUMOR For June 7th
********************************
Tracing Family
Dear Abby:
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.
Any suggestions?
Sam in California
------------------------------------------
Dear Sam:
Yes. Run for public office.
Abby
********************************
/* If you are not familiar with golf, you probably won't get these. Ask your closest golf player. */
1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to
share his ideas about the golf swing.
5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach
shot.
8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your
opponent's luck.
9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you
lie.
10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.
13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.
14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and
bounces just the way you intended to play it.
15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a
2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.
16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.
18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h.
19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your
hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing
the golf glove.
20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.
21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on
the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is
not yours.
23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the
bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the
footprint.
25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw
it.
26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
********************************
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
********************************
This is without a doubt, some
mighty fine advice.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it
cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get
older, their conversational skills will be as
important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have
or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in
the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get
married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't
have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love ! deeply and passionately. You might get
hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to
know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great
achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self;
Respect for others; and responsibility for all your
actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great
friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller
will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and
touches your heart.
********************************
BUZZARD
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet
and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of
its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The
reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from
the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space
to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to
fly but will remain a prisoner for life in a small
jail with no top.
BAT
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a
remarkably nimble creature in the air, cannot take off
from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or
flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly
and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.
BUMBLEBEE
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be
there until it dies unless it is taken out. It never
sees the means of escape at the top but persists in
trying to find some way out through the sides near the
bottom. It will seek a way where none exists until it completely destroys itself.
PEOPLE
In many ways, there are lots of people like the
buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. They are
struggling about with all their problems and
frustrations, not ever realizing that all they have to
do is look up.
********************************
University Parking
A friend of mine found a way to reduce the high costs of parking tickets at
the University. He discovered that when in a pinch for a parking space,
the fine for parking on the grass is much less than parking in a faculty
space. He also found that he could "re-use" a ticket by putting it back
under his windshield the next time he parked. (By the way, neither of these
are recommended.)
Tracing Family
Dear Abby:
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.
Any suggestions?
Sam in California
------------------------------------------
Dear Sam:
Yes. Run for public office.
Abby
********************************
/* If you are not familiar with golf, you probably won't get these. Ask your closest golf player. */
1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to
share his ideas about the golf swing.
5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.
6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.
7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach
shot.
8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your
opponent's luck.
9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you
lie.
10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.
13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.
14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and
bounces just the way you intended to play it.
15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a
2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.
16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.
18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h.
19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your
hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing
the golf glove.
20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.
21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on
the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is
not yours.
23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the
bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the
footprint.
25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw
it.
26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
********************************
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
********************************
This is without a doubt, some
mighty fine advice.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it
cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get
older, their conversational skills will be as
important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have
or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in
the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get
married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't
have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love ! deeply and passionately. You might get
hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to
know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great
achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self;
Respect for others; and responsibility for all your
actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great
friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller
will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and
touches your heart.
********************************
BUZZARD
If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet
and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of
its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The
reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from
the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space
to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to
fly but will remain a prisoner for life in a small
jail with no top.
BAT
The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a
remarkably nimble creature in the air, cannot take off
from a level place. If it is placed on the floor or
flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly
and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.
BUMBLEBEE
A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be
there until it dies unless it is taken out. It never
sees the means of escape at the top but persists in
trying to find some way out through the sides near the
bottom. It will seek a way where none exists until it completely destroys itself.
PEOPLE
In many ways, there are lots of people like the
buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. They are
struggling about with all their problems and
frustrations, not ever realizing that all they have to
do is look up.
********************************
University Parking
A friend of mine found a way to reduce the high costs of parking tickets at
the University. He discovered that when in a pinch for a parking space,
the fine for parking on the grass is much less than parking in a faculty
space. He also found that he could "re-use" a ticket by putting it back
under his windshield the next time he parked. (By the way, neither of these
are recommended.)
Monday, June 06, 2005
hUMOR For June 6th
********************************
Ignored Phone
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
********************************
Subject: 15 Things to do in Wal
Mart while waiting for your spouse:
1. Get 24 packages of Men's socks and randomly put
them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of oramge juice on the floor leading
to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an
official tone,' Code 3' in housewares......and see
what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's
on lay away.
6. Move a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell
other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring
pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to
cry and ask,"Why can't you people just leave me
alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a
mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask
the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, say "PICK ME!" PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's
those voices again!!!!"
And last but not least
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a
while and then yell loudly, "There is no toilet paper
in here!"
********************************
Wash the Cat
Here's a great way to clean the kitty.
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet
water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him
to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close the lid.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides
a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be
quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and
ensure that there are no people between the toilet and
the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and
quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet
and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
Ignored Phone
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
********************************
Subject: 15 Things to do in Wal
Mart while waiting for your spouse:
1. Get 24 packages of Men's socks and randomly put
them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of oramge juice on the floor leading
to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an
official tone,' Code 3' in housewares......and see
what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's
on lay away.
6. Move a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell
other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring
pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to
cry and ask,"Why can't you people just leave me
alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a
mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask
the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, say "PICK ME!" PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's
those voices again!!!!"
And last but not least
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a
while and then yell loudly, "There is no toilet paper
in here!"
********************************
Wash the Cat
Here's a great way to clean the kitty.
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet
water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him
to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close the lid.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides
a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be
quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and
ensure that there are no people between the toilet and
the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and
quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet
and run outside, where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
Sunday, June 05, 2005
hUMOR For June 5th
********************************
Kids Off Track
Kids statements that are a little... off track:
* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* Oh Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
* He carrots for you.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Dust Around the Throne.
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call himnames.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
********************************
Do Not
Do not ride in automobiles: they are responsible for
20% of all fatal accidents. . .
Do not stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the
home. . .
Do not walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all
accidents occur to pedestrians. . .
Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all
accidents happen on these. . .
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders. . .
Hence the safest place for you to be at any time is at
church! See you Sunday! author - unknown...
********************************
Women Vs. Men! LoL
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her
daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her
boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her
husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items
the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her
wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set
in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil
thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it
onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's
favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
he husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The
wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same
time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me
beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made
me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get
our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it
indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he
was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the
masterpiece.
Kids Off Track
Kids statements that are a little... off track:
* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* Oh Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
* He carrots for you.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Dust Around the Throne.
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call himnames.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
********************************
Do Not
Do not ride in automobiles: they are responsible for
20% of all fatal accidents. . .
Do not stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the
home. . .
Do not walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all
accidents occur to pedestrians. . .
Do not travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all
accidents happen on these. . .
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in
church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders. . .
Hence the safest place for you to be at any time is at
church! See you Sunday! author - unknown...
********************************
Women Vs. Men! LoL
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her
daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her
boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her
husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items
the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her
wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set
in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil
thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it
onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's
favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
he husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The
wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same
time.
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me
beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made
me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get
our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it
indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he
was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened
him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the
masterpiece.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
hUMOR For June 4th
********************************
Every Word
A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Fine: A tax for doing wrong. Tax: A fine for doing well."
********************************
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and
missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball
and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm also the greatest pitcher in the world!"
********************************
Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What was that for?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.
The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that with me.'"
********************************
Fish Heads
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick
wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his
voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and
faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of
them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining
that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more
fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I
can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
********************************
Baseball in HeavenTwo ninety-one year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day."Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."And shortly after that, Sam passes on.It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he isawakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,"Moe.... Moe....""Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?""Moe, it's me, Sam.""Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died.""I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!""Sam? Is that you? Where are you?""I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news.""So, tell me the good news first," says Moe."The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!""Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But,what's the bad news?""You're pitching next Tuesday!"
********************************
Good Ol' Boys
This IT manager works at a manufacturing plant where, he says, friendship
is thicker than employment.
"Management has often suspected some of the good ol' boys clocking in their
buddies who routinely come in late," he reports. "The union contract
specifically stated no surveillance systems are allowed, and management
couldn't prove anything until the day one of the gang called in sick
shortly after his shift started -- but he was already clocked in!"
Plant boss is at his wits' end. But the manager gets an idea. He's already
made friends with one of the plant's more popular workers, who likes to
tinker with computers, and fish thinks the guy might be willing to help.
"I was happy to give him obsolete equipment and help him with computer
problems, so we'd built a nice rapport," he says. "And he was an honest
fellow -- in fact, he was quite upset that the others were stealing from
the company.
"So the morning after a long holiday weekend, he went out and stood by the
time clock with a laptop and looked up at a dark area of the ceiling 45
feet high. Then he looked at the screen and hit some random keys.
"He did this a few times until he made sure some of the workers noticed him
out there, and then went back into the office.
A little while later, the manager sends the worker out to stand by the
clock and wave his hand at the ceiling. After a minute or two, he comes out
of the office and tells him, "That's great, thanks."
It's not long before other shop workers ask their co-worker what he was
doing. "He just replied, 'Oh, nothing,' with a big grin," the manager says.
"They said, 'They put in a camera system, didn't they?' to which the worker
just replied, 'I don't know what you're talking about.'
"Rumors of a surveillance system spread like wildfire. The union obviously
couldn't prove that a camera system was installed, because there never was
one.
"And the good ol' boys stopped clocking in their buddies -- because now
they thought they'd get caught for sure."
Every Word
A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Fine: A tax for doing wrong. Tax: A fine for doing well."
********************************
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and
missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball
and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm also the greatest pitcher in the world!"
********************************
Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "What was that for?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.
The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that with me.'"
********************************
Fish Heads
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick
wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his
voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and
faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of
them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining
that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more
fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I
can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
********************************
Baseball in HeavenTwo ninety-one year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day."Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."And shortly after that, Sam passes on.It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he isawakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,"Moe.... Moe....""Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?""Moe, it's me, Sam.""Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died.""I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!""Sam? Is that you? Where are you?""I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news.""So, tell me the good news first," says Moe."The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!""Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But,what's the bad news?""You're pitching next Tuesday!"
********************************
Good Ol' Boys
This IT manager works at a manufacturing plant where, he says, friendship
is thicker than employment.
"Management has often suspected some of the good ol' boys clocking in their
buddies who routinely come in late," he reports. "The union contract
specifically stated no surveillance systems are allowed, and management
couldn't prove anything until the day one of the gang called in sick
shortly after his shift started -- but he was already clocked in!"
Plant boss is at his wits' end. But the manager gets an idea. He's already
made friends with one of the plant's more popular workers, who likes to
tinker with computers, and fish thinks the guy might be willing to help.
"I was happy to give him obsolete equipment and help him with computer
problems, so we'd built a nice rapport," he says. "And he was an honest
fellow -- in fact, he was quite upset that the others were stealing from
the company.
"So the morning after a long holiday weekend, he went out and stood by the
time clock with a laptop and looked up at a dark area of the ceiling 45
feet high. Then he looked at the screen and hit some random keys.
"He did this a few times until he made sure some of the workers noticed him
out there, and then went back into the office.
A little while later, the manager sends the worker out to stand by the
clock and wave his hand at the ceiling. After a minute or two, he comes out
of the office and tells him, "That's great, thanks."
It's not long before other shop workers ask their co-worker what he was
doing. "He just replied, 'Oh, nothing,' with a big grin," the manager says.
"They said, 'They put in a camera system, didn't they?' to which the worker
just replied, 'I don't know what you're talking about.'
"Rumors of a surveillance system spread like wildfire. The union obviously
couldn't prove that a camera system was installed, because there never was
one.
"And the good ol' boys stopped clocking in their buddies -- because now
they thought they'd get caught for sure."
Friday, June 03, 2005
hUMOR For June 3rd
********************************
Easy Operation?
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his
wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't
worry. I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
********************************
College Cure
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"
"Two days ago."
"Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"
"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."
"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"
"He's taking every penny I make."
"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"
"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."
"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"
"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him."
********************************
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he
told the class that he was going to prove that there was no God. He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I
am God, I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple
of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to
walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The football player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"
********************************
Tips for Rednecks
IN GENERAL
1. Never take a adult beverages to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting
at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change
the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the
will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul
to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the
paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the
fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold
it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no
matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a
job that should be done in private using one's OWN
truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is
a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social
no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially
on the first date.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding
gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get
you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit
with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even
if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with
the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct
tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back more
beverages.5. Do not "burn rubber" while traveling in a funeral procession.
Easy Operation?
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his
wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't
worry. I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
********************************
College Cure
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"
"Two days ago."
"Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"
"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."
"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"
"He's taking every penny I make."
"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"
"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."
"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"
"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him."
********************************
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he
told the class that he was going to prove that there was no God. He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I
am God, I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple
of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to
walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The football player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did you come from, and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"
********************************
Tips for Rednecks
IN GENERAL
1. Never take a adult beverages to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting
at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change
the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the
will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul
to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the
paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the
fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold
it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no
matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a
job that should be done in private using one's OWN
truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is
a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social
no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially
on the first date.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding
gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get
you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit
with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create
a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes
for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even
if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with
the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct
tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back more
beverages.5. Do not "burn rubber" while traveling in a funeral procession.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
hUMOR For June 2nd
********************************
Newspaper Ads
**Our experienced mother will care for your child. Fenced yards, meals and smacks included.
**Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
**Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion.
**We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
**For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
**Wanted: hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
**Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans." - Woody Allen
********************************
Things You Should Know (?)
15. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and
draw with the other at the same time ... hence,
multi-tasking was invented.)
16. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out
during World War II were made of wood.
17. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
18. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan;
there was never a recorded Wendy before!
19. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme
with: orange, purple, and silver!
20. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took
him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
21. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
22. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest
amount of money in coins without being able to make
change for a dollar (good to know.)
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your
back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought
this list was completely useless.
24. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old
English law,which stated that you couldn't beat your
wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a
true civilized society ... not.)
25. The first product Motorola started to develop was
a record player for automobiles. At that time, the
most known player on the market was the Victrola, so
they called themselves Motorola.
26. Celery has negative calories! It takes more
calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has
in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (Guess
what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store?)
27. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you
from crying!
28. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified
kosher.
29. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for
being the book most often stolen from Public
Libraries.
30. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before
they go into space because passing wind in a space
suit damages it (families taking long car trips should
adopt this same policy.)
********************************
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
********************************
KIDS IN SCHOOL THINK QUICKLYH
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEAC! HER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
! ;GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________________________________! _____
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
Newspaper Ads
**Our experienced mother will care for your child. Fenced yards, meals and smacks included.
**Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
**Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion.
**We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
**For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
**Wanted: hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
**Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans." - Woody Allen
********************************
Things You Should Know (?)
15. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and
draw with the other at the same time ... hence,
multi-tasking was invented.)
16. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out
during World War II were made of wood.
17. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
18. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan;
there was never a recorded Wendy before!
19. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme
with: orange, purple, and silver!
20. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took
him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
21. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
22. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest
amount of money in coins without being able to make
change for a dollar (good to know.)
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your
back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought
this list was completely useless.
24. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old
English law,which stated that you couldn't beat your
wife with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a
true civilized society ... not.)
25. The first product Motorola started to develop was
a record player for automobiles. At that time, the
most known player on the market was the Victrola, so
they called themselves Motorola.
26. Celery has negative calories! It takes more
calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has
in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (Guess
what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store?)
27. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you
from crying!
28. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified
kosher.
29. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for
being the book most often stolen from Public
Libraries.
30. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before
they go into space because passing wind in a space
suit damages it (families taking long car trips should
adopt this same policy.)
********************************
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again."The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
********************************
KIDS IN SCHOOL THINK QUICKLYH
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEAC! HER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
! ;GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________________________________! _____
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
hUMOR For June 1st
********************************
Executive Approval
For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.
A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.
**** How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at
predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and
three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to
mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the
old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in
favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if
in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including: incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright,
dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
****************************
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW(?)
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of
cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp
paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will
bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the
glass to the top.
5. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of
Happy Meals.
6. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were
misspelled.
7. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had
red eyes. He was albino.
8. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong
parents, daily.
9. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system;
a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
10. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up
into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the
shark to explode.
11. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
12. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland
because he doesn't wear pants.
13. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
********************************
Reluctant Doctor Visit
The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a
doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.
DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir.
(Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)
HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.
DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not?
(Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)
DOCTOR: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?
HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?
DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?
Executive Approval
For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.
A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.
**** How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at
predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and
three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to
mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the
old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in
favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if
in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including: incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright,
dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
****************************
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW(?)
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of
cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp
paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will
bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the
glass to the top.
5. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of
Happy Meals.
6. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were
misspelled.
7. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had
red eyes. He was albino.
8. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong
parents, daily.
9. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system;
a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
10. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up
into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the
shark to explode.
11. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
12. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland
because he doesn't wear pants.
13. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
********************************
Reluctant Doctor Visit
The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a
doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.
DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir.
(Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)
HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.
DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not?
(Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)
DOCTOR: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?
HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?
DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
hUMOR For May 31st
********************************
Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where she thought she was going.
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark."
********************************
Window Washer
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
********************************
Window Washer
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
********************************
Not Me!
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed checking equipment,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when suddenly the
flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his car and license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more
slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower
speed. Same result. So, he made a note to himself to contact the traffic
department and tell them that their machine wasn't working properly.
A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer received an envelope from
the police department containing three traffic citations, each of them were
for NOT wearing a seat belt.
Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where she thought she was going.
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark."
********************************
Window Washer
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
********************************
Window Washer
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
********************************
Not Me!
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed checking equipment,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when suddenly the
flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his car and license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more
slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower
speed. Same result. So, he made a note to himself to contact the traffic
department and tell them that their machine wasn't working properly.
A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer received an envelope from
the police department containing three traffic citations, each of them were
for NOT wearing a seat belt.
Monday, May 30, 2005
hUMOR For May 30th
********************************
One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway.
When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly,
"Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are now cleared for takeoff."
********************************
Some things you
keep.
Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands. They're
good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime
that to throw them away would make the garbage man a
thief.
So you hang on, because something old is sometimes
better than something new, and what you know is often
better than a stranger.
These are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and
tame, and dull at a time when everybody else is risky
and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in
their lives.
New careers, new thighs, new lips, new cars. The world
is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I
don't think I want to.
I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a
mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after
she cooked in it, then reused it - and still does. A
father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than
buying new ones.
They weren't poor, my parents, they were just
satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams
focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away.
I
can see them now, Dad in trousers and tee shirt and
Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in his hand,
dishtowel in hers. It was a time for fixing things -
a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the
oven door, the hem in a dress.
Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes
it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating,
renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste
meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd
always be more.
But then my father died, and on that clear autumn
night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck
with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't
any 'more.' Sometimes what you care about most gets
all used up and goes away, never to return.
So, while you have it, it's best to love it and care
for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when
it's sick. That's true for old cars and children with
bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging
parents. You keep them because they're worth it,
because you're worth it.
Some things you keep. Like a best friend that moved
away or a classmate you grew up with, there's just
some things that make life important.... people you
know are special....and you KEEP them close!
********************************
Flood Prediction
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.
The Pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."
The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can. The end is near."
The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."
********************************
Deer Tick Warning
Deer Tick Warning!!! I hate it when people forward
bogus warnings, but this one is real and it is
important. So please send this warning to everyone on
your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid
now.
*****************************
I Remember...
You have to read this whole thing...it will definitely
make you smile.
Close your eyes...And go back... Before the Internet
or the MAC. Before semi automatics and crack. Before
SEGA or Super Nintendo... Way back...
I'm talking about hide-and-go seek at dusk. Red light,
Green light. Playing kickball & dodge ball until your
porch light came on. Mother May I? Red Rover. Hula
Hoops. Running through the sprinkler.
Happy Meals .
Wait...
Watching Saturday Morning cartoons like Fat Albert,
Road Runner, Smurfs, Picture Pages, G-Force & He-Man
Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos. Playing Dukes of
Hazard Catching lightning bugs in a jar Christmas
morning... Your first day of school. Bedtime Prayers
and Goodnight Kisses. Climbing trees. Getting an Ice
Cream off the Ice Cream Truck. A million mosquito
bites and sticky fingers. Jumping down the steps.
Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Running 'til you
were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach
hurt.
Being tired from playing... Your first crush... Rainy
days at school meant playing "Heads up 7Up" in the
class room. Remember that?
I'm not finished yet...
Kool-aid was the drink of summer. Toting your friends
on your handle bars. Wearing your new shoes on the
first day of school. Class Field Trips. When nearly
everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there.
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance, and
another quarter a miracle.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him
or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even
the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were
so cool.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving
student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't
because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our
parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
And some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah,
I remember that!"
There's nothing like the good old days! They were good
then and they're good now when we think about them.
Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can
relate, then share it with someone that missed out on
them. I want to go back to the time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do
over!" "Race issue"; meant arguing about who ran the
fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the
banker in "Monopoly". Catching the fireflies could
happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to
have two or three "best" friends. Being old, referred
to anyone over 20. The worst thing you could catch
from the opposite sex was cooties. Nobody was prettier
than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made
better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to
ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a
"double-dog-dare". Spinning around, getting dizzy and
falling down was cause for giggles. The worst
embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water
balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon. Older
siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the
fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you
have LIVED!!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a
break from their "grown up" life...
One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway.
When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly,
"Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are now cleared for takeoff."
********************************
Some things you
keep.
Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands. They're
good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime
that to throw them away would make the garbage man a
thief.
So you hang on, because something old is sometimes
better than something new, and what you know is often
better than a stranger.
These are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and
tame, and dull at a time when everybody else is risky
and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in
their lives.
New careers, new thighs, new lips, new cars. The world
is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I
don't think I want to.
I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a
mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after
she cooked in it, then reused it - and still does. A
father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than
buying new ones.
They weren't poor, my parents, they were just
satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams
focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away.
I
can see them now, Dad in trousers and tee shirt and
Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in his hand,
dishtowel in hers. It was a time for fixing things -
a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the
oven door, the hem in a dress.
Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes
it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating,
renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste
meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd
always be more.
But then my father died, and on that clear autumn
night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck
with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't
any 'more.' Sometimes what you care about most gets
all used up and goes away, never to return.
So, while you have it, it's best to love it and care
for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when
it's sick. That's true for old cars and children with
bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging
parents. You keep them because they're worth it,
because you're worth it.
Some things you keep. Like a best friend that moved
away or a classmate you grew up with, there's just
some things that make life important.... people you
know are special....and you KEEP them close!
********************************
Flood Prediction
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.
The Pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."
The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can. The end is near."
The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."
********************************
Deer Tick Warning
Deer Tick Warning!!! I hate it when people forward
bogus warnings, but this one is real and it is
important. So please send this warning to everyone on
your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid
now.
*****************************
I Remember...
You have to read this whole thing...it will definitely
make you smile.
Close your eyes...And go back... Before the Internet
or the MAC. Before semi automatics and crack. Before
SEGA or Super Nintendo... Way back...
I'm talking about hide-and-go seek at dusk. Red light,
Green light. Playing kickball & dodge ball until your
porch light came on. Mother May I? Red Rover. Hula
Hoops. Running through the sprinkler.
Happy Meals .
Wait...
Watching Saturday Morning cartoons like Fat Albert,
Road Runner, Smurfs, Picture Pages, G-Force & He-Man
Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos. Playing Dukes of
Hazard Catching lightning bugs in a jar Christmas
morning... Your first day of school. Bedtime Prayers
and Goodnight Kisses. Climbing trees. Getting an Ice
Cream off the Ice Cream Truck. A million mosquito
bites and sticky fingers. Jumping down the steps.
Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Running 'til you
were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach
hurt.
Being tired from playing... Your first crush... Rainy
days at school meant playing "Heads up 7Up" in the
class room. Remember that?
I'm not finished yet...
Kool-aid was the drink of summer. Toting your friends
on your handle bars. Wearing your new shoes on the
first day of school. Class Field Trips. When nearly
everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there.
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance, and
another quarter a miracle.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him
or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even
the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were
so cool.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving
student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't
because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our
parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
And some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah,
I remember that!"
There's nothing like the good old days! They were good
then and they're good now when we think about them.
Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can
relate, then share it with someone that missed out on
them. I want to go back to the time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do
over!" "Race issue"; meant arguing about who ran the
fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the
banker in "Monopoly". Catching the fireflies could
happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to
have two or three "best" friends. Being old, referred
to anyone over 20. The worst thing you could catch
from the opposite sex was cooties. Nobody was prettier
than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made
better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to
ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a
"double-dog-dare". Spinning around, getting dizzy and
falling down was cause for giggles. The worst
embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water
balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon. Older
siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the
fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you
have LIVED!!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a
break from their "grown up" life...
Saturday, May 28, 2005
hUMOR for May 28th
NOTE: I WILL BE AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER SUNDAY SO THE NEXT hUMOR POST WILL BE MONDAY MORNING.
DAN
********************************
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady.This one's yours." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. (Just means you get to take two weeks vacation, right?)
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
********************************
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up
raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down
to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise
he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just
outside of San Marcos,Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and
tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and
I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from
my deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
********************************
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, even with all his piercing and tattoos, and I love riding on the back of his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Sandy's. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
********************************
Redneck IQ TestI am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?(A) '65 Ford Fairlane(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.
********************************
Dirty Magazines
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband
called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that
dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had
to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many
men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new
platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty
magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
DAN
********************************
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady.This one's yours." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. (Just means you get to take two weeks vacation, right?)
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
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It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up
raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down
to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise
he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just
outside of San Marcos,Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and
tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and
I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from
my deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
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A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, even with all his piercing and tattoos, and I love riding on the back of his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Sandy's. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
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Redneck IQ TestI am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?(A) '65 Ford Fairlane(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.
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Dirty Magazines
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband
called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that
dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had
to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many
men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new
platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty
magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
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