IMPORTANT NOTICE

I am in the process of moving. I will try to continue posting dail hUMOR, but I'm sure there will be days I won't be able to. Keep checking back for an enjoyable laugh.

Dan

hUMOR For April 11th

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There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak... why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
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Stuntmen

A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the
mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a
guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into
flames. There were no injuries.
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I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."

hUMOR For April 10th

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The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant, named Calle. It seems that Calle has a chronic illness which requires daily medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed a suppository for her.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame, California.
Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS MEANS?
It means that five people have jobs worse than yours!
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You know you're growing old when..
You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the "ten items or less" lane.
You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
You've found yourself discussing the weather.
You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.
You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.
You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic-"for the last time in a generation"
Wal-Mart and Target seem to share your fashion sense.
The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag-in less than five minutes.
You know what Earth Shoes are.
You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode.
Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely
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Here is today's CleanPun.
When a priest makes a mistake in church, it's a clerical error.

hUMOR For April 9th

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A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the
name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly
Finkel in room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her
records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal
and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was
so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly
your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302.
Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"
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Warning Labels!
7 Up:Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially when opening.
Vicks Ny-Quil Gel Caps:Use of this product in conjunction with alcohol or sedatives may cause drowsiness.
Jonsreds Chainsaw:Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.
Windex:Do not spray in eyes.
McDonald's Coffee:Warning - Contents may be hot.
Bayer Aspirin:Do not take if allergic to aspirin.
Liquid Plummer:Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.
Miller Lite:Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.
Komatsu Floodlight:This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.
Tonyang Lighting Screwdriver:Use 3 pieces of batteries on 4.
Moet White Star Champagne:Warning: Remove label before placing in microwave.
Energizer AAA 4 Pack:If swallowed, promptly see doctor.
Boot's Childrens Cough Medicine:Do not drive a car or run machinery.
Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Mr. Bubbles:Keep out of reach of children.
Mark and Spencer's Bread PuddingProduct will be hot after heating.
Craftsman Push MowerWarning: Do not attempt to remove blade while lawnmower is running or plugged into an outlet.
Sainsbury Peanuts (Read Comments)Warning: This product contains nuts.

hUMOR For April 8th

Doctor's Advice

Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you
know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's
your excuse?

Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.

Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no
such order.

Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
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An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for supper!"
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An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for supper!"
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Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and
it shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave
you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -
believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this
matter one year from now? How about one month? One week?
One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have
another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
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A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
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Auto Shopping

A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds
- and girth - was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.

When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the
typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?"

Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman replied, "Probably a crowbar."

hUMOR For April 7th

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When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." He explained.
"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the who's talking over the tops of the newspapers, they're juniors. And when they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they're seniors. "And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they're graduate students."
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When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." He explained.
"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the who's talking over the tops of the newspapers, they're juniors. And when they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they're seniors. "And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they're graduate students."
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Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downward
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." "Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah,"said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious
place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would
be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait til you see
the idiots I put there!"
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Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downward
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." "Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah,"said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious
place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would
be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait til you seethe idiots I put there!"

hUMOP

hUMOR For April 5th

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The dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler were recovered off the
Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. They claimed that a cow, falling out of the clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the
Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield. They forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily departed for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
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A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"
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A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"
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Alligator Teeth

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as
pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

hUMOR For April 4th

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Bumper stickers 01
I love animals, they taste great.EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot""Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense." I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
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Answering machine message 260
Now I lay me down to sleep;Leave a message at the beep.If I die before I wake,Remember to erase the tape.
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Answering machine message 01
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
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Answering machine message 03
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
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The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

hUMOR For April 3rd

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NEW YORK (AP) -- Century Communications announced today
plans for an exciting new 900 service, with profits to go
to help defray the cost of installing and maintaining
enhanced 911 service across the country. Called "The 911 Chatline," it allows callers to choose an area of the country and to listen to 911 emergency calls from it.

When asked what prompted this unusual foray into the 900 business, Century spokeswoman Fawn Lebowitz said, "In recent years we've seen a dramatic increase in the popularity of reality-based television shows. The 911 Chatline allows callers to experience real-life drama while it is going on, all from the comfort of their own home."

While listening to the emergency calls going through,
callers to the Chatline have a number of options. They can listen to just the 911 calls for the area they select, switch their call to a different area, or, probably the most interesting option, connect their call to the 911 Chatline to discuss the details of the emergencies with each other as they happen and before the police have even arrived!

Thanks to new voice recognition software from AT&T, callers
do not even need a touch tone telephone in order to use the service. They can choose which 911 center to listen to simply by saying the area code and city that they are interested in listening to calls from. Calls are directed to the 911 center nearest this location.

As 911 centers sign up to receive their share of the
profits, they are connected to the Chatline network.
Century says it has already wired up over 50 centers and
that it has coverage in most major metropolitan areas. They plan to have the whole nation wired by April 2007.

(GCFL Note: This is an old April Fools day piece. It's not real. Have a great weekend (except Trey Nolen, who doesn't like anyone trying to boss him around)!
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24 Pigs

A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in
South Carolina.

A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to
impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.

"Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine,
twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box."

hUMOR For April 1st

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of
my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick
and tired of it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how
to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put
snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put
these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the
fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone
doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only
two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust
********************************
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust
********************************
Newlywed Repairs

A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing
convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her
eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"

hUMOR For March 31st

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After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in
the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two
little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen
window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed
his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face
into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood
laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a
panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.
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I attend a small village church in rural PA. On any given Sunday, we may have six or seven faithful little ones who come with their parents for the whole church service. Pastor has a white bag which gets passed from child to child, making sure they get equal turns to put something in for him to talk about. Each Sunday, Pastor calls all the little children up to him and he opens the bag to find a "surprise" on which he bases his children's sermon.
Last week, the bag went home with a little guy who spends many hours a week on church related activities. His parents and older brother are very active and so, in turn, is he. When Pastor opened the bag, there was a copy of Handel's Messiah which was very appropriate for Easter Sunday.
Pastor and the children had a lively discussion going on about the joy and happiness that music brings to the service. As he closed the little talk, Pastor said, " Yes, music is a wonderful part of our service. What would church be like if there was none?"
Without skipping a beat, the little boy who had brought the music said, "About a half an hour!"
Needless to say, everyone exploded into laughter which lasted for minutes. Finally, Pastor said, "There is no way I can top that so let's have a little prayer before you return to your seats."
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I attend a small village church in rural PA. On any given Sunday, we may have six or seven faithful little ones who come with their parents for the whole church service. Pastor has a white bag which gets passed from child to child, making sure they get equal turns to put something in for him to talk about. Each Sunday, Pastor calls all the little children up to him and he opens the bag to find a "surprise" on which he bases his children's sermon.
Last week, the bag went home with a little guy who spends many hours a week on church related activities. His parents and older brother are very active and so, in turn, is he. When Pastor opened the bag, there was a copy of Handel's Messiah which was very appropriate for Easter Sunday.
Pastor and the children had a lively discussion going on about the joy and happiness that music brings to the service. As he closed the little talk, Pastor said, " Yes, music is a wonderful part of our service. What would church be like if there was none?"
Without skipping a beat, the little boy who had brought the music said, "About a half an hour!"
Needless to say, everyone exploded into laughter which lasted for minutes. Finally, Pastor said, "There is no way I can top that so let's have a little prayer before you return to your seats."
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Captain's Log

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.

"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.

"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.

Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
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Don't Smoke

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't once
lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."

"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more
often."

hUMOR For March 30th

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Shoe Shine

As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in
Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One
afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my
khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home,"
he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."

The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones
the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right
shoe, shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he
said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
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The Bible According to Kids

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF
YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS
HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED NOR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT
TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH
OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.
NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND
THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT
A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY
THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE
APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE
TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO
EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT
ADULTERY. (Hmmm???)

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN
JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA
TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING
THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE
WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE
SANG THE MAGNA CARTA

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE
ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO
UNTO OTHERS, BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO
EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND
MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE
12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO
A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED
HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY (I know a lot of guys who'd agree with this
one!!)
********************************
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a mnute and then said, "All my life I
lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would
like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge
fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and
they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the
gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could
just have some little roller skates, we would not have to
run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful
little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He
found her sound asleep on her fluffly pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
********************************
After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins.
"Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."
The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"
********************************
After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins.
"Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."
The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
I hate the speed bump in the laneway of my complex.
But I just get over it and move on.
********************************
Thanks to AB for this one: Tips for student pilots.

1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get
bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you
were up there than up there wishing you were down
here.
5. The only time you have too much fuel is when
you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the
plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you
can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one
has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk
away. A "great" landing is one after which they can
use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live
long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it
takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely
proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of
arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and
vice versa.
12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your
brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone
keeps talking about might be another airplane going in
the opposite direction.
14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have
been known to hide out in clouds.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience.
Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad
judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end
going forward as much as possible.
22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots.
There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's
the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. Always try to keep the number of landings you
make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
25. The three most useless things to a pilot are
altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of
a second ago.

And a bonus tip:

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth
repels them.

******************************************************

Thanks to LBS: Truisms

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a
free trip around the sun.

Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the
longer you live.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often
so much jollier than the people who have to wait for
them.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside
of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing in the store is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp,
some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors ... but they all have to
learn to live in the same box.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but
no simpler.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery
on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you
left open.

hUMOR For March 29

********************************
Thanks to a friend: Are you there?

A little boy, who was "very" much afraid of the dark,
was told by his mother to go out to the back porch and
bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I
don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You don't
have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus
is out there He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and
asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure . He is everywhere, and he is always
ready to help you when you need him" she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and
then went to the back door and cracked it a little.

Peering out into the darkness, he called "Jesus? If
you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

******************************************************

Thanks to a friend: Jonah

A little girl was observed by her preacher standing
outside the preschool Sunday School classroom between
Sunday School and worship, waiting for her parents to
come and pick her up for "big church."

The preacher noticed that she clutched a big storybook
under her arms with the obvious title, "Jonah and the
Whale."

Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the
little girl and began a conversation. "What's that you
have in your hand?" he asked.

"This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale," she
answered.

"Tell me something, little girl," he continued, "do
you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to
be the truth?"

The little girl implored, "Why of course I believe
this story to be the truth!"

He inquired further, "You really believe that a man
can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him
all that time, and come out of there still alive and
OK? You really believe all that can be true?"

She declared, "Absolutely, this story is in the Bible
and we studied about it in Sunday School today!"

Then the preacher asked, "Well, little girl, can you
prove to me that this story is the truth?"

She thought for a moment and then said, "Well, when I
get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah."

The preacher then asked, "Well, what if Jonah's not in
Heaven?"

She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly
declared, "Then YOU can ask him!"

******************************************************

Thanks to a friend: A Blonde Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come
over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw
puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to look like
when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she
has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
box, and says, "First, no matter what we do, we're not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you
to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all
these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

******************************************************

Here is an old favorite, submitted by a friend:

Why Are Firetrucks Red?

Do you know why fire trucks are red? Well... fire
trucks have eight wheels and four firemen. Eight and
four are twelve. There are twelve inches in a foot. A
foot is a ruler. The Queen Elizabeth (named after a
great ruler) is the largest ship on the seas. Seas
have fish. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the
Russians. The Russian flag is mostly red. Fire trucks
are always 'rushin' around. Therefore fire trucks are
red.

If you think this reasoning is a bit far fetched, you
ought to hear some people try to explain why they are
not in Sunday school and church!!

******************************************************

From a friend: Five Finger Prayer (Author Unknown)

1. Your Thumb is nearest to you. So begin your prayers
by praying for those closest to you. They are the
easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as
C.S. Lewis once said "sweet duty."

2. The next finger is the Pointing Finger. Pray for
those who teach, instruct and heal. This includes
teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need support
and wisdom in pointing others in the right direction.
Keep them in your prayers.

3. The next finger is the Tallest Finger. It reminds
us of our leaders. Pray for the president, leaders in
business and industry, and administrators. These
people shape our nation and guide public opinion. They
need God's guidance.

4. The fourth finger is our Ring Finger. Surprising to
many is the fact that this is our weakest finger, as
any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to
pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain.
They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray
too much for them.

5. And lastly comes our Little Finger, the smallest
finger of all. Which is where we should place
ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible
says, "The least shall be the greatest among you."
Your Pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. By
the time you have prayed for the other four groups,
your own needs will be put into proper perspective and
you will be able to pray for yourself more
effectively.
********************************
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"
********************************
The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her. Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t."
********************************
The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her. Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t."

hUMOR For March 28th

********************************
When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.
I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."
"Where did Mom come from then?""The stork brought her, too.""OK, then where did you come from?""The stork brought me too, dear.""Okay, thanks, Grandma."
I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
********************************
Each day, we post a free, clean, and hilarious joke of the day! For today's joke, see below! To laugh tomorrow and in the future, bookmark this page using Ctrl+D.
********************************
Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
********************************
********************************
Back Pain
The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked. The wife shook her head, "No .... Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."
********************************
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
******************************
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?
"No, this is 322-1374."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

hUMOR For March 27th

********************************
Only the Best!

My daughter goes to extremes in caring for her new sports car. One
afternoon we went to get gas. When the attendant asked what kind, she said, "Unleaded -- super. The best you have. And check the oil, please."

When the man found the car needed a quart, he asked, "What kind do you use?"

"I just want the finest," she said. "Whatever it costs. And look at the radiator too. It might need water."

"What does it take," the attendant inquired, "Perrier?"
********************************
"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor.

The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look at her and said, 'Well, Honey, ... at least you tried.'"
********************************
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
********************************
A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.
He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."
No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?
Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
********************************
Yet another "technial support"...
Monday, June 11, 2001
True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

Caller:
"Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech:
"Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller:
"The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech:
"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller:
"Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech:
"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller:
"It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '24X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
********************************

I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
********************************
The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions: Why did God make mothers?
She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
Mostly to clean the house.
To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
We're related.
God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
His last name.
She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
She got too old to do anything else with him.
My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
Mothers don't do spare time.
To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
About 30 years.
You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
********************************
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Inner Peace
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner
peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have
finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake. I feel
better already.
******************************************************
Thanks to DA: Fish Story
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in
northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the
crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the
boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am.
What are you doing?
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you
in and write you up."
If you do that! , I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault, says the woman.
"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS. IT'S LIKELY
SHE CAN ALSO THINK.
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B: Here is a math trick so unbelievable
that it will stump you.
1. Grab a calculator (you won't be able to do this one
in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number
(NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
******************************************************
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE 28 -- FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
He who angers you, control you! Always keep this one
in mind.
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember,
moses started out as a basket case.
Some people are kind, polite. sweet -spirited---UNTIL
you try to sit in their pews.
Many folk want to serve God, BUT, only as an adviser.
When you get to your wit's end. you'll find Gog lives
there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the
middle of the road, and the back of the church.
********************************
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
********************************
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"

hUMOR For March 26th

********************************
Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise
Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around?
A: Hoppy Easter!
Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!
Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.
Q: Why did the rabbit cross the road?
A: Because it was the chicken's day off.
Q: What do you call a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A: A smarty pants.
Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.
Q: How do you catch a unique bunny?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.
Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.
Q: What has big ears, brings Easter terats, and goes hippity-BOOM hippity-BOOM?
A: The Easter Elephant.
Q: How should you send a letter to the Easter Bunny?
A: By hare mail!
********************************
Hot Sauce
Two friends and I ordered sandwiches in a local eatery. I wanted hot sauce,
Jim wanted medium and Bob, mild. When I asked for all three, the ornery
waitress pointed to the squeeze bottle sitting in the middle of the table.
"We need three," I insisted. "Which one is this?"
"All of them," she replied. "You want hot, put more on."
********************************
Thanks to J&G B -- How Many Dogs Does It Take To
Change A Light Bulb???
How they answered...
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is
young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and
you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any
wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky
toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh Yeah! Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me
change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led
these people from the dark, check to make sure I
haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter
patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage
of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm
bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I
don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still [do my business... gotta be p.c. you know] on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light
bulbs in a little circle...
15. Basset Hound: Light bulbs don't really smell like
anything, so please, just don't trip over me on your
way over here to rub my belly.
16. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear
and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the
house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs.
People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
How long will it be before I can expect some light,
some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS... CATS HAVE A STAFF.

hUMOR For March 25th

********************************
Bad Hair Day
"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the
sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor.
The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the
last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took
one look at her and said, 'Well, Honey, ... at least you tried.'"
********************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle --
In two days tomorrow will be yesterday. Today is no
special day and I have no particular reason for
writing to you... I have no news to tell you.... nor
any problems to discuss with you.... or gossip to tell
you... It's only one of those happy moments.. when I
thought of you... and I would like to share these
thoughts with you... MANY SMILES BEGIN BECAUSE OF
ANOTHER SMILE...Keep scrolling, and if you don't
smile, then I believe you must be dead!!!
******************************************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Parking Ticket
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and
dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes.
I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here
I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket
and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years,
and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job...
Lead us not into temptation."
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: GUYS RULES
At last, a guy has taken the time to write this all
down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must
admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. These are our
rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON
PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving
it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the
shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1.Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a
laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a
bigger laugh!!
********************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle --
In two days tomorrow will be yesterday. Today is no
special day and I have no particular reason for
writing to you... I have no news to tell you.... nor
any problems to discuss with you.... or gossip to tell
you... It's only one of those happy moments.. when I
thought of you... and I would like to share these
thoughts with you... MANY SMILES BEGIN BECAUSE OF
ANOTHER SMILE...Keep scrolling, and if you don't
smile, then I believe you must be dead!!!
******************************************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Parking Ticket
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and
dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes.
I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here
I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket
and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years,
and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job...
Lead us not into temptation."
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: GUYS RULES
At last, a guy has taken the time to write this all
down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must
admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. These are our
rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON
PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving
it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the
shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1.Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a
laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a
bigger laugh!!
********************************
How to Get Rid of Your Preacher:
- Look him straight in the eye and say 'Amen' once in a while. He'll preach himself to death within a few weeks.
- Pat him on the back and brag on his good points. He'll work himself to death.
- Start paying him a living wage. He's probably been on starvation wages for so long he'll eat himself to death.
- Rededicate your own life and ask the preacher to give you a job to do. He'll probably die of heart failure.
- Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He'll become so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands.
********************************
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a
younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their
downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked
his wife to move out and get another place.
His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3
days alone at the apartment to pack up her things. She
spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,
during which they had to move out for a few days, and in
the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.
Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to
move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky
apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from
the bank to purchase a new place. The moving company
arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home . . .
. . .including the curtain rods!
********************************
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.
This defect has been technically termed, "Subsequential Internal Non-morality", or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some other symptoms:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish, or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the PLAN-OF-SALVATION procedure.
1. HEAR the Gospel Message, the Good News of Christ
2. BELIEVE in Christ (put your faith & trust in Him)
3. REPENT of your SINS (be willing to change your heart and life)
4. CONFESS Jesus as the Son of God and as your Lord & Savior
5. BE BAPTIZED for the remission of SINS
Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers Instructions Before Leaving Earth), for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.
Thank you for your immediate attention.
GOD
Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall.
********************************
A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.
"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."
"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."
********************************
A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.
"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."
"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."
********************************
Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently
getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea ! (I Like This One! JF)
If enough people follow these tips, it will work----
I have been doing this for years, and I get very little
junk mail anymore.
THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS

hUMOR For March 24th

********************************
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What on earth are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for goodness sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
********************************
AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go
off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use
secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves
as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction
have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would
say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain
of: though they continue to multiply, their days are
numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."
********************************
A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.
One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids. It's three dollars a pound!'"
********************************
Big Date

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met
the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week
later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had
gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."

hUMOR For March 23rd

********************************
*Company Motivation Posters You Will Never See*
1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) We put the "k" in "kwality."
5) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
6) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
7) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
8) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
9) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
10) If at first you don't succeed, try management.
11) Never quit until you have another job.
12) The floggings will continue until morale improves.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.
They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to their estate.
The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for 4 people, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for 8 people. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes."
********************************
The new father was left with the baby all day while mom went shopping for some unmaternity clothes. When she returned she went to check on the baby. The smell was overpowering. She found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was furious!

She confronted her husband, "Didn't you bother to check the baby's diaper all day?"

The new dad responded, "Well, the box says it's good for up
to eight pounds!"
********************************
Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book.
"Miss Howell?" Little Johnny asked his first grade teacher, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?"
"No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But perhaps it should."
********************************
Football Confession

Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on
Saturday during an important Nebraska/Notre Dame game. When one man had
finished his confession, the priest asked him, "Are you by any chance going
to be around the church for awhile?"

"Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here
all afternoon."

"Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and then and
keeping me posted on the game?"

"Sure thing."

Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my
last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing
and neither has Notre Dame."
********************************
Upper Management

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure thing, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place!

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee!"

The waiter says, "Whoa, mister! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
********************************
Such Husbands
and the Art of Listening

The husband asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, got
up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then
took her off to Disneyland.

What a day! They went on every ride in the park. The Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
They drove to a McDonald's where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie
to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a
soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a
fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his
precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about?
You dummy, I meant my dress size!"

******************************************************

Thanks to G&L R: Tough Old Lady

The minister asked the congregation to raise their
hands if they had forgiven their enemies. About half
held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent
held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. All responded, except
one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Henry, are you not willing to forgive your
enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Henry, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Henry, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the
aisle, turned to the congregation and said, "I
outlived them.”