hUMOR For March 25th

********************************
Bad Hair Day
"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the
sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor.
The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the
last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took
one look at her and said, 'Well, Honey, ... at least you tried.'"
********************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle --
In two days tomorrow will be yesterday. Today is no
special day and I have no particular reason for
writing to you... I have no news to tell you.... nor
any problems to discuss with you.... or gossip to tell
you... It's only one of those happy moments.. when I
thought of you... and I would like to share these
thoughts with you... MANY SMILES BEGIN BECAUSE OF
ANOTHER SMILE...Keep scrolling, and if you don't
smile, then I believe you must be dead!!!
******************************************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Parking Ticket
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and
dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes.
I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here
I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket
and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years,
and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job...
Lead us not into temptation."
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: GUYS RULES
At last, a guy has taken the time to write this all
down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must
admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. These are our
rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON
PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving
it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the
shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1.Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a
laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a
bigger laugh!!
********************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle --
In two days tomorrow will be yesterday. Today is no
special day and I have no particular reason for
writing to you... I have no news to tell you.... nor
any problems to discuss with you.... or gossip to tell
you... It's only one of those happy moments.. when I
thought of you... and I would like to share these
thoughts with you... MANY SMILES BEGIN BECAUSE OF
ANOTHER SMILE...Keep scrolling, and if you don't
smile, then I believe you must be dead!!!
******************************************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Parking Ticket
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and
dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes.
I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here
I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket
and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years,
and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job...
Lead us not into temptation."
******************************************************
Thanks to PW: GUYS RULES
At last, a guy has taken the time to write this all
down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must
admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. These are our
rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON
PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving
it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the
shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1.Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a
laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a
bigger laugh!!
********************************
How to Get Rid of Your Preacher:
- Look him straight in the eye and say 'Amen' once in a while. He'll preach himself to death within a few weeks.
- Pat him on the back and brag on his good points. He'll work himself to death.
- Start paying him a living wage. He's probably been on starvation wages for so long he'll eat himself to death.
- Rededicate your own life and ask the preacher to give you a job to do. He'll probably die of heart failure.
- Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He'll become so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands.
********************************
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a
younger woman. He wanted to continue living in their
downtown luxury apartment with his new lover so he asked
his wife to move out and get another place.
His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3
days alone at the apartment to pack up her things. She
spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,
during which they had to move out for a few days, and in
the end they even paid to replace the expensive carpet.
Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to
move. They could not find a buyer for their stinky
apartment so they had to borrow a huge sum of money from
the bank to purchase a new place. The moving company
arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home . . .
. . .including the curtain rods!
********************************
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.
This defect has been technically termed, "Subsequential Internal Non-morality", or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some other symptoms:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish, or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the PLAN-OF-SALVATION procedure.
1. HEAR the Gospel Message, the Good News of Christ
2. BELIEVE in Christ (put your faith & trust in Him)
3. REPENT of your SINS (be willing to change your heart and life)
4. CONFESS Jesus as the Son of God and as your Lord & Savior
5. BE BAPTIZED for the remission of SINS
Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers Instructions Before Leaving Earth), for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.
Thank you for your immediate attention.
GOD
Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall.
********************************
A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.
"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."
"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."
********************************
A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.
"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."
"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."
********************************
Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently
getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea ! (I Like This One! JF)
If enough people follow these tips, it will work----
I have been doing this for years, and I get very little
junk mail anymore.
THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS

hUMOR For March 24th

********************************
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What on earth are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for goodness sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
********************************
AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go
off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use
secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves
as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction
have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would
say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain
of: though they continue to multiply, their days are
numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."
********************************
A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.
One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids. It's three dollars a pound!'"
********************************
Big Date

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met
the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week
later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had
gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."

hUMOR For March 23rd

********************************
*Company Motivation Posters You Will Never See*
1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) We put the "k" in "kwality."
5) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
6) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
7) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
8) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
9) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
10) If at first you don't succeed, try management.
11) Never quit until you have another job.
12) The floggings will continue until morale improves.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.
They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to their estate.
The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for 4 people, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for 8 people. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes."
********************************
The new father was left with the baby all day while mom went shopping for some unmaternity clothes. When she returned she went to check on the baby. The smell was overpowering. She found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was furious!

She confronted her husband, "Didn't you bother to check the baby's diaper all day?"

The new dad responded, "Well, the box says it's good for up
to eight pounds!"
********************************
Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book.
"Miss Howell?" Little Johnny asked his first grade teacher, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?"
"No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But perhaps it should."
********************************
Football Confession

Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on
Saturday during an important Nebraska/Notre Dame game. When one man had
finished his confession, the priest asked him, "Are you by any chance going
to be around the church for awhile?"

"Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here
all afternoon."

"Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and then and
keeping me posted on the game?"

"Sure thing."

Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my
last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing
and neither has Notre Dame."
********************************
Upper Management

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure thing, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place!

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee!"

The waiter says, "Whoa, mister! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
********************************
Such Husbands
and the Art of Listening

The husband asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, got
up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then
took her off to Disneyland.

What a day! They went on every ride in the park. The Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
They drove to a McDonald's where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie
to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a
soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a
fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his
precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about?
You dummy, I meant my dress size!"

******************************************************

Thanks to G&L R: Tough Old Lady

The minister asked the congregation to raise their
hands if they had forgiven their enemies. About half
held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent
held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. All responded, except
one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Henry, are you not willing to forgive your
enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Henry, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Henry, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the
aisle, turned to the congregation and said, "I
outlived them.”

hUMOR For March 22nd

********************************
Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take
for the church to become better. He said "If this church is
to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this
church is going to become better, it will have to throw
aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation replied,
"Let it run, preacher, let it run!"

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this
church really wants to become great, it will have to take
up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!"
the congregation shouts.

The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly,
it will cost money!"

The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it
walk."
********************************
At Andersen Air Force Base, Guam, a man in civilian clothes approached an airman and requested a vehicle pass. The young airman, fresh out of technical training, asked to see his military ID, driver's license and his vehicle registration. Noticing the letters BG on the man's identification, the new airman asked, "What's BG stand for -- Big Guy?"
"No," the man replied, leaning over the counter. "Try Brigadier General."
********************************
Thanks to PW: The Cowboy and the church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just
before services were to begin. Although the old man
and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans,
a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and
ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat
and an equally worn out bible. The church he entered
was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city.
It was the largest and most beautiful church the old
cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation
were all dressed with expensive clothes and
accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the others
moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or
welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance
and did not attempt to hide it.

The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and
brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the
church needed to do God's work. As the old cowboy was
leaving the church, the preacher approached him and
asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come
back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him
what He thinks would be appropriate attire for
worship."

The old cowboy assured the preacher he would. The next
Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the
same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again
he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I
asked you to speak to God before you came back to our
church."

"I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper
attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the
preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue
what I should wear. He says He's never been in this
church before."

hUMOR For March 21st

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, she said, "You know, Bobby, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and always stay like that."
Bobby looked up into her face and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
********************************
Thanks to CRJ: Thumbprint

A woman was stopped by a traffic cop for a minor
violation.

After examining her driver's license in silence for a
moment he commented, "You know something? This is one
of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen.
I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women,
who have their photos retouched to remove all the
lines in their face."

"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my
thumb-print."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks to PW: SQUIRREL PROBLEMS

There were four country churches in a small Alabama
town:

The Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the
Methodist church and the Catholic Church. Each church
was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration they determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist church the squirrels had taken up
habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and
decided to put a large plywood cover on the baptistery
and flood it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there
were twice as many there the next week.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them
free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
the squirrels were back.

But -- the Methodist church came up with the best and
most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels
and registered them as members of the church. Now they
only see them on Christmas and Easter...
********************************
How to be politically correct when you comment about women...
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

hUMOR for March 20th

********************************
Cow Legs

A little boy came home from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his
mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!"

When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to
guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE."

"Five???" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs."

"I won because my guess was the closest."
********************************
Two-Fer

The plant foreman comes to this technician with a challenge: He wants a way
to display important operational statistics so machine operators can see
them at a glance.

"We threw around a few ideas and finally came up with a wall-mounted LED
sign, similar to those you might find at airport baggage claims," the tech
says. "I shopped around and found a high-bright, three-color, four-line
model, 6 feet by 1 foot in size. Perfect for the application, but pricey:
$6,000 each."

And because there are three groups of machines, there will have to be three
signs, bringing the total price to $18,000. But to the tech's surprise, the
signs are approved and installed.

But he is concerned about one thing: The plant's electric power isn't very
clean. So he makes sure three battery-backed surge protectors are added to
the budget -- cheap insurance for an $18,000 investment.

"Fast-forward a couple of months," says the tech. "The signs are operating
fine. The operators use the data from the signs to compete with their
fellow operators. Because of the competition, output and the quality of the
output have both improved. Everyone's happy."

Then one day the power goes out. Inside this plant, it is dark. Really
dark. Almost pitch black -- except for the operators of these machines.
They're still happy. They can find their way to the nearest exit.

Why? Because the I.T. department has provided them with an $18,000,
battery-backed-up operation stats display, which also happens to serve as
an emergency lighting system!
********************************
Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on Saturday during an important Nebraska/Notre Dame game. When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him, "Are you by any chance going to be around the church for awhile?"
"Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here all afternoon."
"Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and then and keeping me posted on the game?"
"Sure thing."
Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing and neither has Notre Dame."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Beware of the letter G.
It is the end of everything.
********************************
There are two rules for success in life:
Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
********************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Theology...kid style

1. Dear God, please put another holiday between
Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there
now. Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I
asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything
before. You can look it up. Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy
for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and
a shot.

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody
will tell me. Love, Fred

5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told
you? Charlene

6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven
if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all
of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4
people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of
all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like
walking on water, too. Glenn

9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he
was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the
countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan

11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like
that or was it an accident? Norma

12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk
that fancy? Jennifer

13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in
the old days and don't do any now? Billy

14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different
summer camp this year. Peter

15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each
other so much if they each had their own rooms. I! t
works out OK with me and my brother. Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never
did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark

17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are
born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha

18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will
show you my new shoes. Barbara

19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do
you just know him through the business? Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better
God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am
not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles

21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the
stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with
the moon?

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank

And, saving the best for last:

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
********************************
------------------
No one can injure eyesight by looking at the bright side of life.
------------------
What I like most about myself is that I’m so understanding when I do something wrong.
------------------
OVERHEARD AT A CLASS REUNION: Jim: "Are you still working?" John: "Parts of me are."
------------------
We are not masters of this planet…only guests.
------------------
Old bookkeepers never die. They just lose their balance.
------------------
A SPRING FEELING: Sometimes we all feel like a snapdragon – no snap and everything draggin!
------------------
A heart full of love and appreciation that Jesus was the Son of God was what made the thief on the cross eligible for heaven. He couldn’t give his life in service to others to thank Jesus. He believed. Jesus saw his heart!!
------------------
The stone was rolled away, not to let Jesus out, but to let the disciples in.
------------------
Some minds are like finished concrete – thoroughly mixed and permanently set.
------------------
OLD IS BEAUTIFUL! It is the old violins that produce the richest tones.
------------------
FAULTS ARE THICK WHERE LOVE IS THIN.
------------------
A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good under pressure.
------------------
RESPECT one another! Says the Lamb and the Lion!
-----------------
TODAY: Today is mine, Tomorrow may not come, My race of life, May end at set of sun, Then may I hear, The Master say, "Well done"!, Today is mine, Tomorrow may not come.

********************************
Thanks to J&GB: Computer Help Desk, Please

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

******

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette
out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note
.."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted
it yet.. it's still on my desk... Sorry...

******

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the
left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

******

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on
me! I'm not Bill Gates!

******

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front
of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't
find it...

******

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................Thank you.

******

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in
the supermarket.

******

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the
computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces
back.
Customer: Okay.
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that
one does work!

******

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in
apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number
7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

******

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

******

Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

******

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears!

*******

And then there is my personal favorite!!

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I get the
circle around it?

hUMOR For March 19th

********************************
It was a formal banquet. The minister had just finished saying grace when a waiter spilled a bowl of steaming soup into his lap.
The clergyman silently sizzled, then said in anguished tones, "Will a layman please make some appropriate remarks?"
********************************
I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my
license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the
license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.

While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I colored my hair. He asked me what color.

Last week my co-worker was traveling on business to a very small town. They found a restaurant in the phone book and asked the woman working at the hotel desk how to get there. The desk clerk told them all about it and gave them directions. After driving around for half an hour they could not find it. When they returned to the hotel, the woman at the hotel desk told them, "Oh, I forgot; they never did build that restaurant."

I went shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous
button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing,
but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy." I showed it to
her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."

I went into a major retail establishment and asked an
employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth vases. Seeing her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase, explaining that it has a narrow neck, with space for a flower bulb on top and water on the bottom. Said the employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?"
********************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Boys and Theology

Raising Boys

a) For those with no children - this is totally
hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age,
this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not
funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this
is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is
birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin,
Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not
kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a
2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run
over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults
in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the
motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy
wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is
strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to
spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling
fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have
to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't
stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh
oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and
lots of it

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint
rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only
do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive
tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in
the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming
pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even
though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when
driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor
is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on;
plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute
response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not
make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the
Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.

26.) So will men. For greater edification of their
brethren!
********************************
The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off with, "Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $55,000 a year, and it's not enough."
He turned to the associate pastor, and he said, "Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $39,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The minister of education continues with his chant, "Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $28,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The youth minister has his turn next: "Lord, I've just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $20,000 a year and it's not enough."
At last it's time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this:"Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and 'there's no business like show business!'"
********************************
Proud to be your Friend

Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence, and don't skip
ahead.

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and
loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that
person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with
people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling
their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned...
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned...
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned...
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before
he passed away.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he
may have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little
fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness
and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is
requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

To all of you ... Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.
It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send
this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to
the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you'll know
you have a circle of friends.

HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU!!!!!!
YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED!
********************************
Old Man

An old man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a
urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What
did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

NOTICE:

Due to the heavy snow I may not be able to send Saturday's hUMOR, but I'll do my best to send it out.

Dan

hUMOR For March 18th

********************************
The Irish Pub

Patrick went into his favorite pub in Dublin and ordered 3 pints of
Guinness, to be served all at the same time. The bartender put the three
pints in front of him, and he took a little sip out of one, put it down;
then took a little sip out of the second, put it down; and then took a
little sip out of the third. He put it down, went back to the first pint,
and started the process all over again, until he had drunk all three pints.

Then he paid the bartender and left.

This went on for months, every night the same thing. Finally, the
bartender cannot stand it any longer, and he approaches Pat.

"Patrick", he says.

"Aye", says Patrick.

"I've been watching you come in here for months. Every night you order the
same thing. Three pints. All at once. Then, instead of drinking them one
at a time, you take a little sip out of each one until you eventually
finish all three. Then, you just leave. I have never seen anything like
that. I don't want to be prying into your personal affairs but, if you
wouldn't mind telling me, WHY?"

"Well, you know me brothers Michael and John moved to New York".

"Aye".

"Well, I promised me brothers that I would have a pint every night in our
favorite pub, just like in the old days, in remembrance of the time when we
were together. So, that's what I do each night. Me and my brothers are
having a drink together. Do ya' understand now?"

"Aye".

This goes on for years. In fact, Patrick becomes rather famous in the pub
for it. Finally, the time comes when Patrick orders only two pints. He
drinks them the same way and leaves, but everybody knows something is
terribly wrong. After a few weeks, nobody can stand it anymore, so they
ask the bartender to approach Patrick about it.

So, the bartender approaches Pat and asks, "Patrick?"

"Aye", says Patrick.

"I understand there has been a tragedy in your family".

"WHAT? What tragedy??"

"Well, one of your brothers died recently, I understand".

"What!!!! Me brothers are fine, never healthier. Why would you think
something happened to one of me brothers??"

"Well, you always used to drink three pints, every night; and all of a
sudden you started drinking only two pints. We assumed that something
happened to one of your brothers."

"Noooo... me brothers is fine. It's just that the doctor said I had to
take better care of myself, so I decided to quit drinking."
********************************
Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept Microsoft rights to the TV dinner. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner as outlined in the TV Dinner Piracy section of the user agreement. You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using the command line:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner, the weight of the dinner, the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagainagain/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken XP variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken XP is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue support for all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after Chicken XP. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
No other company is allowed to create items to be used with Microsoft dinners without first partnering with Microsoft. This is solely to protect the consumer and is not intended to impede progress and creativity in the dinner industry. This includes, but is not limited to dessert.
You may not play a game or use an application while you eat your Microsoft dinner unless that game or application was designed by a Microsoft partner and is certified by Microsoft to be %100 compatible with your Microsoft dinner.
You are only leasing your Microsoft dinner, you agree to not "reverse engineer" your Microsoft dinner or send it out of the country. You may store one backup Microsoft dinner for personal use.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
More than five million American women are overweight.
These, of course, are round figures.
********************************
Leon Blum, the former Socialist Premier of France, once met David Ben Gurion. He introduced himself this way, "I had better tell you right away, Mr. Ben Gurion, that I am a humanist first, a socialist second, and only then a Jew. Whenever I write my name, that is what I believe."
Ben Gurion replied with a smile, "Never mind, we Jews read from right to left anyway!"
********************************
Abbott and Costello upgraded

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and
Costello, and too Old to REALLY understand computers,
to fully appreciate this.For those of us who sometimes
get flustered by our computers, please read on...


If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their
infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned
out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT:
Super Duper computer store.Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why?Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know.What will I see when I look at
the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No.On the computer!I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business.What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.Can you recommend
anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal.What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers.OK, forget
that.Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon.What I
watch is none of your business.Just tell me what I
need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch
reels 2, 3 and 4.Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great!With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie.What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is
Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for
windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one.But it's the most popular Word in
the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
Words left.It pretty much wiped out all the other
Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word.Real One
isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP!Don't start that again.What about
financial bookkeeping?You have anything I can track my
money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right.What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes.No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?How
much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not?THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
********************************
Snow Plow

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio overbreakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side ofthe street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out andmoves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radioannouncer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You mustpark your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows canget through. "Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radioannouncer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You mustpark..." Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with aworried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Whichside of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are marriedtoBlondes exhibit, Norman says... "Why don't you just leave it in the garagethis time?"
********************************
Painting the porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her
to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.

hUMOR For March 17th

********************************
How To Simulate The Life Of A Sailor
~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
~ Repaint your entire house every month.
~ Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the showerhead to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
~ On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
~ Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
~ Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
~ Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while she reads it to you.
~ Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 3 pm.
~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.
~ Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
~ Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
~ Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
~ Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
~ Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
~ Every week or so, throw your dog in the pool and shout, "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
~ Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
~ When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
~ Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
~ Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
********************************
An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on
St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic
diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.

"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave
you a sham rock."
********************************
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.
The third guy said," I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said,
"Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns there."
********************************
Good Morning,
Just a little young and innocent humor to start the day off. We get old or older and forget how innocent and honest little ones are to life. May God bless you with a good day today. Barbara

1. NUDITYI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2. HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."


3. OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read," The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

4. KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

5. MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

6. POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" Yes,that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

7.POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

8. ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

9. DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

10. DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

11. SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk."

12. BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

hUMOR For March 16th

********************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- Wal-Mart greeters

2 Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during
break time and one turns to the other saying, "I'm 73
years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know
you're about my age. How do you feel?" The other
greeter says, "I feel just like a new born babe."
Rather amazed, the co-worker repeats his statement
back in the form of a question, "Really? A new born
babe???" "Yup. No teeth. No hair. And I think I just
wet my pants."

******************************************************

Thanks to LBS: THREE WIVES -

Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties...

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at
their house. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house, and the
dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he
had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from the Southside of
Chicago. He boasted that he told her that her duties
were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for
every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but
by the third day most of the swelling had gone down,
and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough
to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

******************************************************

Thanks to LBS: GOOD/BAD??

GOOD OR BAD One day God was looking down at Earth and
saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.

He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to
Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes,
it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5%
are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I
had better send down a second angel to get another
opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to
Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went
to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in
decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5%
that were good, because He wanted to encourage them,
give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the E-mail said?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Just wondering, I didn't get one either........
********************************
Did you hear of the little boy who came home from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!"
When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE."
"Five???" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs."
"I won because my guess was the closest."
********************************
Did you hear of the little boy who came home from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!"
When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE."
"Five???" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs."
"I won because my guess was the closest."
********************************
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To
the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top.
You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain
you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
********************************
Directory Assistance

"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young
man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the
operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Bubba."
********************************
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some ally smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

I WAS TOLD TO SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN I THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
********************************
Good Old Dave

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cab driver says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming
along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour
in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and
danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."

hUMOR For March 15th

********************************
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
********************************
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner Mom & Pop grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
********************************
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the man said then proceeded to give the gong an
ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF OVER THERE! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
********************************
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried
iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was
necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent
them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a
square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine,
which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked
in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem... how
to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.


However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust
to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few
landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron
when chilled Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass
indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right
off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the
balls off a brass monkey." (All this time, you thought that was an improper
expression, didn't you.)

hUMOR For March 14th

********************************
"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer. "You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."
"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."
********************************
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live," Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"
********************************
"I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?" I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Wow, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?" "Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face she pouted, "but it's broke." I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?" "I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"
********************************
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."

hUMOR For March 13th

Old Friends

Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their
husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband
doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." replies Jamie.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
********************************
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as
though he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked
for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes
- any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two
gotchas.'"

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan
said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I
had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a
wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only
one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the
game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
********************************
LIFE IN THE 1500'S

Interesting!

The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like
it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about the 1500s:

These are interesting...

Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty
good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice
clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats
and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean
bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore
on, they added more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a
big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it
that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of
wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for
a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would
dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the
bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History
was boring ! ! !

Educate someone
********************************
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.
"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
********************************
********************************
Old Friends

Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their
husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband
doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." replies Jamie.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
********************************
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as
though he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked
for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes
- any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two
gotchas.'"

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan
said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I
had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a
wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only
one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the
game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"
********************************
LIFE IN THE 1500'S

Interesting!

The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like
it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about the 1500s:

These are interesting...

Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty
good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice
clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't
throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats
and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean
bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore
on, they added more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a
big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it
that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off It was a sign of
wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for
a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would
dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the
bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History
was boring ! ! !

Educate someone
********************************
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall.
"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Freckles

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face
was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at
the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get
their cheeks painted by a local artist who was
decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to
paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him "I love your freckles". When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the
grandmother.

"Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than
freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely
into his grandma's face, and softly whispered,
"Wrinkles."

******************************************************

Thanks to Sandy -- 22 Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar

1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an
infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there
without an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.
15. a sentence should begin with a capital and end
with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any
two-word phrase.
17. In letters compositions reports and things like
that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
18. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped
into our language.
19. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
20. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
21. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
22. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to
punctuate it.
24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence
with.
25. Avoid clichés like the plague