********************************
Interactive Weather
Our part of the country had gone for weeks with little or no rain.
The TV weatherman, on his computerized map, was pointing out a thunderstorm 50 miles away. He placed his cursor over the region and clicked to zoom in on the storm.
Watching, my son shook his head and said, "I sure wish he would click on that storm and drag it over here."
********************************
A farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"
"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.
Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."
********************************
People ask, when they hear about oil lasting 8 days, whether it was Pennzoil.
The shofar sounds like a duck call.
The Bar Mitzvah centerpiece is made from grits. It's in the shape of a shotgun.
The rabbi says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to approach the bima," and then five guys and two women stand up.
You can tell it's a fancy Oneg Shabbat when they serve beef jerky.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as another high holiday.
A member of the synagogue requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The rabbi and the cantor drive matching pickup trucks.
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
Bris is referred to as "branding."
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
High notes on the organ set the dogs under the floor to howling.
The Sisterhood recipe for gefilte fish calls for a medium-sized catfish.
You can recognize life cycle events by the clean t-shirts.
For Purim, all the kids dress up as Dale Earnhardt.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.
There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.
There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.
He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.
She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"
"$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.
The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.
The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.
Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.
This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.
The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved."
********************************
Accident Report
Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put, "Full gallop."
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
hUMOR For February 15th
********************************
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!"
********************************
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on
the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then," he sighed, "let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
********************************
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".
"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".
"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."
********************************
UFO
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock,his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved tothe two aliens as they took off."Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've beenworking here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means...
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. My wife loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself: To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!"
********************************
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on
the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then," he sighed, "let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
********************************
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".
"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".
"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."
********************************
UFO
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock,his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved tothe two aliens as they took off."Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've beenworking here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means...
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"
Monday, February 14, 2005
hUMOR For February 14th
********************************
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of show and tell that day had been parents' occupations. The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."
********************************
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:
"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
********************************
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
********************************
There is so much theologically incorrect about this joke I should send it out over three mailings!
A blind man with his seeing eye dog walked into a bar.
The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head.
The bartender ran up and asked, "Man, What on earth are you doing?" The blind man replied, "Just looking around
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of show and tell that day had been parents' occupations. The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."
********************************
A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:
"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"
********************************
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
********************************
There is so much theologically incorrect about this joke I should send it out over three mailings!
A blind man with his seeing eye dog walked into a bar.
The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head.
The bartender ran up and asked, "Man, What on earth are you doing?" The blind man replied, "Just looking around
Sunday, February 13, 2005
hUMOR For February 13th
********************************
My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.
After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."
********************************
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop
asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more
agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
picture on it." The driver finally found a square
mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at
the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can
go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.
After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."
********************************
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop
asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more
agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
picture on it." The driver finally found a square
mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at
the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can
go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Saturday, February 12, 2005
hUMOR For February 12th
********************************
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
********************************
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Job Performance Review
"Suppose," says the old salt of a sea captain, testing his new recruit, "that a sudden storm springs up on your starboard side. What would you do?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," says the new sailor.
"And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir," the raw recruit replies.
"Now," says the captain, "a storm springs up forward of the ship. What would you do this time?"
"Throw out another anchor, Captain."
"Hold on, hold on. Where are you getting all these anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir," replied the new recruit.
He got to keep his job.
********************************
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model...
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mother's old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Ben & Jerry's opened a shop in my neighborhood. Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, I leak oil. I'm so ready for a trade in!
Anyone know where I can get a good deal?
********************************
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a danceWomen blink nearly twice as much as men Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself. .............Now you know everything
********************************
I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized
that I had ran out of vacation time already. I
figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home
was to act a little crazy. That way he'd think I was
burnt out and give me some time off.
I went into work early that morning and began hanging
upside down from the ceiling.
Just then, one of my co-workers (she's blonde...it'll
be important later) came in and asked me what I was
doing. "Shhhh," I said. "I'm acting crazy to get a
few days off. I'm a light bulb."
Wonder what the gal who sent me this had in mind!
A second later, the Boss walked by and asked me what I
was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. The
blonde started following me and the Boss asked where
she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said!
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
********************************
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
********************************
Job Performance Review
"Suppose," says the old salt of a sea captain, testing his new recruit, "that a sudden storm springs up on your starboard side. What would you do?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," says the new sailor.
"And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir," the raw recruit replies.
"Now," says the captain, "a storm springs up forward of the ship. What would you do this time?"
"Throw out another anchor, Captain."
"Hold on, hold on. Where are you getting all these anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir," replied the new recruit.
He got to keep his job.
********************************
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model...
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mother's old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Ben & Jerry's opened a shop in my neighborhood. Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it - almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, I leak oil. I'm so ready for a trade in!
Anyone know where I can get a good deal?
********************************
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a danceWomen blink nearly twice as much as men Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself. .............Now you know everything
********************************
I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized
that I had ran out of vacation time already. I
figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home
was to act a little crazy. That way he'd think I was
burnt out and give me some time off.
I went into work early that morning and began hanging
upside down from the ceiling.
Just then, one of my co-workers (she's blonde...it'll
be important later) came in and asked me what I was
doing. "Shhhh," I said. "I'm acting crazy to get a
few days off. I'm a light bulb."
Wonder what the gal who sent me this had in mind!
A second later, the Boss walked by and asked me what I
was doing. "I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. The
blonde started following me and the Boss asked where
she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said!
Friday, February 11, 2005
hUMOR For February 11th
********************************
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.
"This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
"Wow," he said. "Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
********************************
Ulterior Motive?
My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers.
As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."
Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."
Thursday, February 10, 2005
hUMOR For February 10th
********************************
Thanks to J&G B: Police Officers have a sense of humor -- the following quotes prove that...
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
******************************************************
Thanks to LRM: Reflections of a Parent
I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.
I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot always decide for you.
I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect, but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can tell you about drinking, but I cannot say, "No"
for you.
I can tell you about drugs, but I cannot prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals, but I cannot achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness, but I cannot force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins, but I cannot make you moral.
I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life.
I can love you with an unconditional love all my life...and I will.
-Author unknown
********************************
Third Baptist: The people didn't like First and Second Baptist.
Ana-Baptist: The people didn't like First, Second, Third or Fourth Baptist, and didn't want to call themselves Nth Baptist because they want to be the first on the list alphabetically.
Calvary Baptist: The people crucify their pastor regularly.
Community Baptist: It is a social community club.
Conservative Baptist: The people don't talk to strangers.
Cooperative Baptist: They compromise with anybody and anything.
Free Will Baptist: They draft wills for everybody for free, but the church must be the primary beneficiary.
Fundamental Baptist: Fund a mental Baptist.
Grace Baptist: They say grace at every meal, no exceptions, not even one, and don't you forget it!
Immanuel Baptist: They are in manual mode: Church leaders must push them to serve.
Independent Baptist: The people don't depend on God.
Memorial Baptist: It is dead.
Monument Baptist: It is history.
Missionary Baptist: They send out missionaries who are sick and tired of fellowshipping with people who don't do anything.
Open Door Baptist: They lock the doors after Sunday morning services.
Pentecostal Baptist: It is for people who work for the Pentagon.
Primitive Baptist: They don't divide or multiply among themselves.
Progressive National Baptist: They are members of NASCAR.
Seventh Day Baptist: The other six days are for party.
Southern Baptist: The people hate cold weather.
Third World Baptist: The people love the world so much they don't mind coming in third.
Tabernacle Baptist: Hmmm ... it doesn't LOOK like a tent.
United Baptist: The people are union members.
********************************
A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the minister asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.
"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."
Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"
"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year."
********************************
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.......and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away...... Florida or the moon?"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......????? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and ! she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in avacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs "Hellooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
********************************
Wrong Number
I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers. Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal Revenue Service in error.
So the I.R.S. operator asked me what number I had dialed. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood."
She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"
Thanks to J&G B: Police Officers have a sense of humor -- the following quotes prove that...
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
******************************************************
Thanks to LRM: Reflections of a Parent
I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.
I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot always decide for you.
I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect, but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can tell you about drinking, but I cannot say, "No"
for you.
I can tell you about drugs, but I cannot prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals, but I cannot achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness, but I cannot force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins, but I cannot make you moral.
I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life.
I can love you with an unconditional love all my life...and I will.
-Author unknown
********************************
Third Baptist: The people didn't like First and Second Baptist.
Ana-Baptist: The people didn't like First, Second, Third or Fourth Baptist, and didn't want to call themselves Nth Baptist because they want to be the first on the list alphabetically.
Calvary Baptist: The people crucify their pastor regularly.
Community Baptist: It is a social community club.
Conservative Baptist: The people don't talk to strangers.
Cooperative Baptist: They compromise with anybody and anything.
Free Will Baptist: They draft wills for everybody for free, but the church must be the primary beneficiary.
Fundamental Baptist: Fund a mental Baptist.
Grace Baptist: They say grace at every meal, no exceptions, not even one, and don't you forget it!
Immanuel Baptist: They are in manual mode: Church leaders must push them to serve.
Independent Baptist: The people don't depend on God.
Memorial Baptist: It is dead.
Monument Baptist: It is history.
Missionary Baptist: They send out missionaries who are sick and tired of fellowshipping with people who don't do anything.
Open Door Baptist: They lock the doors after Sunday morning services.
Pentecostal Baptist: It is for people who work for the Pentagon.
Primitive Baptist: They don't divide or multiply among themselves.
Progressive National Baptist: They are members of NASCAR.
Seventh Day Baptist: The other six days are for party.
Southern Baptist: The people hate cold weather.
Third World Baptist: The people love the world so much they don't mind coming in third.
Tabernacle Baptist: Hmmm ... it doesn't LOOK like a tent.
United Baptist: The people are union members.
********************************
A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the minister asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.
"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."
Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"
"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermon's from last year."
********************************
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.......and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away...... Florida or the moon?"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......????? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and ! she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in avacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs "Hellooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
********************************
Wrong Number
I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers. Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal Revenue Service in error.
So the I.R.S. operator asked me what number I had dialed. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood."
She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
hUMOR For February 9th
********************************
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday'."
********************************
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children do problems on the blackboard that day. "Who would like to do the first problem, addition?" No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.
"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?" Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.
"Who would like to do the third problem, division?" Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right.
"Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?" Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. "Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?"
"Because the Bible says to go fourth and multiply."
********************************
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "Unbreakable." However, it has no price marked.
"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable"?
"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.
"Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "Unbreakable" banner.
"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!"
"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied.
"How can you be so sure?" he demands.
"Because the goober who pays 100 grand for that thing is going to be as careful with it as you are with yours."
********************************
Priests and Golf
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
"I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."
"Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"
"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.
"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday'."
********************************
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having children do problems on the blackboard that day. "Who would like to do the first problem, addition?" No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.
"Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?" Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.
"Who would like to do the third problem, division?" Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right.
"Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?" Johnny's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. "Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?"
"Because the Bible says to go fourth and multiply."
********************************
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "Unbreakable." However, it has no price marked.
"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable"?
"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.
"Like the sign says, it's unbreakable!" To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "Unbreakable" banner.
"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!"
"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied.
"How can you be so sure?" he demands.
"Because the goober who pays 100 grand for that thing is going to be as careful with it as you are with yours."
********************************
Priests and Golf
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
hUMOR For February 8th
********************************
From a friend... JEST FOR KIDS _ THE RIDDLES
What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
Just-in! (Elma,12)
Why can't a bicycle stand alone?
Because it is two tired
What do you get if you cross day and night?
A nightlight (Wilton, 8)
Where do cows go on their first date?
To the moo-vies
What do you call spiders that have just been married?
Newlywebs! (Niraali, 110)
JEST FOR KIDS _ THE RIDDLES
In 1974 the wholesale price of sugar doubled, and grocers began to raise cane.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Take a seat and I'll deal with you later.
At the gas station the other day I saw a guy spill gas all over his arm. As he was driving away he must have lit a cigarette because the next thing I saw was him waving his burning arm out the window. The cops busted him for having a firearm in his car.
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Theater review: The opening night crowd for "Rebel"
sat in stunned silence as the final curtain fell, It was a "Rebel" without applause." (Shoe: Cassett &
Brookins)
Every man has a price _ but some aren't worth buying.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
THE ONE-LINERS, RIDDLES & QUOTES
A yes man noes nothing. (wordfoolery
If you're at a costume party, it's probably difficult to tell the good guise from the bad. (Gail S. Angel)
What did the Marquis de Sade's wife say when asked why she was divorcing her husband? Beats me (Lorraine A.
Bellis)
Americans should be ashamed... We've eaten so many billions of Buffalo Wings that many kids today have never seen a buffalo fly. (Paul Benoit)
King Arthur, by issuing a command that all his knights go into battle properly attired, launched the first mail order! (John S. Crosbie)
Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction. (Adlai
Stevenson)
Among the things money can't buy is what it used to.
(Max Kauffman)
A gourmet challenged me to eat a tiny bit of rattlesnake meat. Remarking, "Don't look horror-stricken, You'll find it tastes a lot like chicken. It did. Now chicken I cannot eat. Because it tastes like rattlesnake meat. (Ogden Nash)
A man took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Vacuum Cleaner: A weapon of mess destruction
(wordfoolery)
Insanity: A problem of considerable dementions.
(Richard Lederer)
Fitness trainer: a person who lives off the fat of the land (Michael Driscoll)
Deceit: My mom makes me wear pants with patches on DECEIT.
Archaic: We can't have ARCHAIC and eat it too.
Antidotes: My uncle thinks I'm just fine and my ANTIDOTES on me too.
********************************
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
********************************
(GCFL has not verified these "facts" and does not claim they are true.)
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP"
indicated the direction of the bubbles.
No standard 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
One in every four Americans has appeared on television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers'
first flight.
The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinization apparatus that strains out and excretes all excess salt.
In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees.
Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine.
A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second, bees and houseflies 200 times, some mosquitoes 600 times, and a tiny gnat 1,000 times.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
When opossums are playing "possum," they are not "playing."
They actually pass out from sheer terror.
********************************
One morning, I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
********************************
HOW OLD IS GRANDMA?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end - it will blow you away.
One evening, a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill..
There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"- - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir".
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad because, gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,"chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
Now how old do you think grandma is ??
********************************
Refueling
Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time.
At the last stop, I said, "You know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That littlete truck is keeping up with us."
From a friend... JEST FOR KIDS _ THE RIDDLES
What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
Just-in! (Elma,12)
Why can't a bicycle stand alone?
Because it is two tired
What do you get if you cross day and night?
A nightlight (Wilton, 8)
Where do cows go on their first date?
To the moo-vies
What do you call spiders that have just been married?
Newlywebs! (Niraali, 110)
JEST FOR KIDS _ THE RIDDLES
In 1974 the wholesale price of sugar doubled, and grocers began to raise cane.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Take a seat and I'll deal with you later.
At the gas station the other day I saw a guy spill gas all over his arm. As he was driving away he must have lit a cigarette because the next thing I saw was him waving his burning arm out the window. The cops busted him for having a firearm in his car.
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Theater review: The opening night crowd for "Rebel"
sat in stunned silence as the final curtain fell, It was a "Rebel" without applause." (Shoe: Cassett &
Brookins)
Every man has a price _ but some aren't worth buying.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
THE ONE-LINERS, RIDDLES & QUOTES
A yes man noes nothing. (wordfoolery
If you're at a costume party, it's probably difficult to tell the good guise from the bad. (Gail S. Angel)
What did the Marquis de Sade's wife say when asked why she was divorcing her husband? Beats me (Lorraine A.
Bellis)
Americans should be ashamed... We've eaten so many billions of Buffalo Wings that many kids today have never seen a buffalo fly. (Paul Benoit)
King Arthur, by issuing a command that all his knights go into battle properly attired, launched the first mail order! (John S. Crosbie)
Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction. (Adlai
Stevenson)
Among the things money can't buy is what it used to.
(Max Kauffman)
A gourmet challenged me to eat a tiny bit of rattlesnake meat. Remarking, "Don't look horror-stricken, You'll find it tastes a lot like chicken. It did. Now chicken I cannot eat. Because it tastes like rattlesnake meat. (Ogden Nash)
A man took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Vacuum Cleaner: A weapon of mess destruction
(wordfoolery)
Insanity: A problem of considerable dementions.
(Richard Lederer)
Fitness trainer: a person who lives off the fat of the land (Michael Driscoll)
Deceit: My mom makes me wear pants with patches on DECEIT.
Archaic: We can't have ARCHAIC and eat it too.
Antidotes: My uncle thinks I'm just fine and my ANTIDOTES on me too.
********************************
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
********************************
(GCFL has not verified these "facts" and does not claim they are true.)
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP"
indicated the direction of the bubbles.
No standard 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
One in every four Americans has appeared on television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers'
first flight.
The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinization apparatus that strains out and excretes all excess salt.
In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees.
Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine.
A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second, bees and houseflies 200 times, some mosquitoes 600 times, and a tiny gnat 1,000 times.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
When opossums are playing "possum," they are not "playing."
They actually pass out from sheer terror.
********************************
One morning, I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
********************************
HOW OLD IS GRANDMA?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end - it will blow you away.
One evening, a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill..
There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"- - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir".
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad because, gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,"chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
Now how old do you think grandma is ??
********************************
Refueling
Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time.
At the last stop, I said, "You know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That littlete truck is keeping up with us."
Monday, February 07, 2005
hUMOR For Februray 7th
********************************
Thanks to D&L S: Just Some Texas Stuff
Nobody asked for them, but here are some little known Texas facts. I know y'all just can't wait to read 'em!
Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full time coach for Rice University in Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 and caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."
King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag.)
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities:
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).
The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends.
Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.
The State animal is the Armadillo. An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg which splits into four and they either have four males or four females.
The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - TEXAS STYLE
People here in Texas have trouble with all those shalls and shall nots in the 10 Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch"
language: Ten Commandments, cowboy style.
Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?
Y'all have a good Day. Ya' hear?
********************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.
Thanks to D&L S: Just Some Texas Stuff
Nobody asked for them, but here are some little known Texas facts. I know y'all just can't wait to read 'em!
Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full time coach for Rice University in Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 and caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."
King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag.)
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities:
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).
The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends.
Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.
The State animal is the Armadillo. An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg which splits into four and they either have four males or four females.
The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - TEXAS STYLE
People here in Texas have trouble with all those shalls and shall nots in the 10 Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch"
language: Ten Commandments, cowboy style.
Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?
Y'all have a good Day. Ya' hear?
********************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
hUMOR For February 6th
********************************
The Way Children See Things!
NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.." DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes." SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
********************************
On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured.
The woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, so let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this wreck."
The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and handed it to him. He took a huge swallow and handed it back. The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his car. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"
"No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."
********************************
On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured.
The woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, so let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this wreck."
The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and handed it to him. He took a huge swallow and handed it back. The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his car. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"
"No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."
********************************
Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.
My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!"
********************************
Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son afteryears of hoping.The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, Ilove you very much. Your birthday is coming soon.What would you like?"His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."His father bought him American Airlines.Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you aremy pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is,it's yours."His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, youbring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall getfor you."His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."His father bought him Disney Studios.Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you aremy life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will getit for you."His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like aMickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit."His father bought him the Democratic Party and the CBS news.
The Way Children See Things!
NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.." DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes." SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
********************************
On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured.
The woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, so let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this wreck."
The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and handed it to him. He took a huge swallow and handed it back. The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his car. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"
"No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."
********************************
On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured.
The woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, so let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this wreck."
The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and handed it to him. He took a huge swallow and handed it back. The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his car. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"
"No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."
********************************
Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.
My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!"
********************************
Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son afteryears of hoping.The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, Ilove you very much. Your birthday is coming soon.What would you like?"His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."His father bought him American Airlines.Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you aremy pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is,it's yours."His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, youbring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall getfor you."His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."His father bought him Disney Studios.Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you aremy life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will getit for you."His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like aMickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit."His father bought him the Democratic Party and the CBS news.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
hUMOR For February 5th
********************************
Time To Go
The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly in 20 minutes.
One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.
When they got home after the service, the wife asked him why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.
He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Bush and Clinton
George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl XXXIX in Jacksonville. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.
"Watch and learn," answers Hilary. They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip. When they get to the station they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary.
"Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.
When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clinton's cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost the election...
********************************
Thanks to J&G B: Surprize!
At a girl's college, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young
lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman.
"But think of how I feel. I'm her mother."
********************************
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
********************************
I remember the day when a police car pulled up to Grandma's house and Grandpa got out.
The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park.
"Why, Bill," said Grandma, "You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
********************************
I'd heard that Australian football is a lot rougher than the American version, but never believed it until I witnessed a game first hand.
In the first half, I saw 3 broken arms, half a dozen sprains, and at least 4 broken noses - and that was just the cheerleaders.
********************************
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was said to have actually been reported by the teacher) it is funny! After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night ------early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
********************************
Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Well, the chauffeur felt like he didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Billy took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 75 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?" The trooper said, "No, even more important." "It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief. "No, even more important," replied the trooper. "It isn't the President George Bush, is it?" "No," replied the trooper, "Even more important." "Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
********************************
Predicting the Future
Amy: Can people predict the future with cards?
Joan: My mother can.
Amy: Really?
Joan: Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.
Time To Go
The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly in 20 minutes.
One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.
When they got home after the service, the wife asked him why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.
He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Bush and Clinton
George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl XXXIX in Jacksonville. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.
"Watch and learn," answers Hilary. They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip. When they get to the station they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary.
"Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.
When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clinton's cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost the election...
********************************
Thanks to J&G B: Surprize!
At a girl's college, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young
lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman.
"But think of how I feel. I'm her mother."
********************************
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
********************************
I remember the day when a police car pulled up to Grandma's house and Grandpa got out.
The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park.
"Why, Bill," said Grandma, "You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
********************************
I'd heard that Australian football is a lot rougher than the American version, but never believed it until I witnessed a game first hand.
In the first half, I saw 3 broken arms, half a dozen sprains, and at least 4 broken noses - and that was just the cheerleaders.
********************************
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was said to have actually been reported by the teacher) it is funny! After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night ------early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
********************************
Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Well, the chauffeur felt like he didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Billy took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 75 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?" The trooper said, "No, even more important." "It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief. "No, even more important," replied the trooper. "It isn't the President George Bush, is it?" "No," replied the trooper, "Even more important." "Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
********************************
Predicting the Future
Amy: Can people predict the future with cards?
Joan: My mother can.
Amy: Really?
Joan: Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.
Friday, February 04, 2005
hUMOR For February 4th
********************************
Olympic Nurse
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete ... she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(here it comes!)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Picabo, ICU.
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Hillary stamp
The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:
The stamp was in perfect order. There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. People were spitting on the wrong side.
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B --Stars Can Tell One Much...
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto awakens The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.
"What that tell you Kemo Sabi?" asks Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, and eruditely says, "Tonto, my friend, astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dummy. Someone has stolen our tent."
********************************
After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.
"Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.
"Don't come back here," he begged.
********************************
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Olympic Nurse
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete ... she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(here it comes!)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Picabo, ICU.
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Hillary stamp
The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:
The stamp was in perfect order. There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. People were spitting on the wrong side.
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B --Stars Can Tell One Much...
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto awakens The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.
"What that tell you Kemo Sabi?" asks Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, and eruditely says, "Tonto, my friend, astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dummy. Someone has stolen our tent."
********************************
After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.
"Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.
"Don't come back here," he begged.
********************************
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Thursday, February 03, 2005
hUMOR For February 3rd
********************************
Southernese
Yorta have a lookit thisun: Yankee's guide to "Southernese". If you do not understand any of them, contact a Southerner for an explanation.
FOAL: Not a baby horse. This is flexible aluminum for baking.
Usage: "I put the taters in foal, afore I baked um."
HEIDI:(noun) Greeting.
HIRE YEW:(complete sentence) Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD:(verb)Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH:(noun) The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER:(noun) The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is Muntgumry.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer."
MUNTS:(noun)A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from
him in munts."
COLE DRANK: (adjective/noun) A chilled beverage, typically soda.
THANK:(verb) Cognitive process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a cole drank."
RANCH:(noun) A tool used for tightnin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL:(noun) A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR:(noun) A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck,
that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR:(noun) A rubber wheel.
Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my
pickup truck."
TIRE:(noun) A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."
RETARD:(verb) To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
********************************
Two years ago a man and woman had just won the lottery. He was at work when the lottery office phoned their home to inform them of the win. His wife was very worried because the man had just recovered from a heart attack and she wondered what would happen if he found out about it too abruptly.
So, she called the pastor and asked if he could talk to the man and slowly lead into telling him the news. He agreed and said he would be there as soon as possible.
When the man got home the pastor asked if they could go for a walk. While they were walking the pastor began by asking, "What would you do if you won the lottery?"
The man replied, "Why, I'd give it all to the church."
The pastor dropped dead on the spot.
********************************
- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow
- "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty
- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung
- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud
- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter
- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples
- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath
- "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch
- "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First
********************************
Smith goes to see his supervisor. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss says. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"
Southernese
Yorta have a lookit thisun: Yankee's guide to "Southernese". If you do not understand any of them, contact a Southerner for an explanation.
FOAL: Not a baby horse. This is flexible aluminum for baking.
Usage: "I put the taters in foal, afore I baked um."
HEIDI:(noun) Greeting.
HIRE YEW:(complete sentence) Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD:(verb)Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH:(noun) The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER:(noun) The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is Muntgumry.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer."
MUNTS:(noun)A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from
him in munts."
COLE DRANK: (adjective/noun) A chilled beverage, typically soda.
THANK:(verb) Cognitive process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a cole drank."
RANCH:(noun) A tool used for tightnin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL:(noun) A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR:(noun) A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck,
that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR:(noun) A rubber wheel.
Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my
pickup truck."
TIRE:(noun) A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."
RETARD:(verb) To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
********************************
Two years ago a man and woman had just won the lottery. He was at work when the lottery office phoned their home to inform them of the win. His wife was very worried because the man had just recovered from a heart attack and she wondered what would happen if he found out about it too abruptly.
So, she called the pastor and asked if he could talk to the man and slowly lead into telling him the news. He agreed and said he would be there as soon as possible.
When the man got home the pastor asked if they could go for a walk. While they were walking the pastor began by asking, "What would you do if you won the lottery?"
The man replied, "Why, I'd give it all to the church."
The pastor dropped dead on the spot.
********************************
- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow
- "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty
- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung
- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud
- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter
- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples
- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath
- "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch
- "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First
********************************
Smith goes to see his supervisor. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss says. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
hUMOR For February 2nd
********************************
Lengthy Sermon
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
********************************
Thanks to MAK: *** 30 YEARS DIFFERENCE ***
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office
1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system
1973: Disco
2003: Costco
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", "de plane, Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.
********************************
One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
********************************
Newly assigned officers to a naval air station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a lieutenant commander, kind of became an uncle to a family's only four-year-old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday school. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.
This same little girl was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews' flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, all the passengers with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."
The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret, either through poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations. One little boy, always a classic joke, said, "Harold be Thy name." Two other lesser-known prayers, though, are a little girl saying, "Give us this day our jelly bread." Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to "Lead us not into Penn Station."
After hearing the Christmas story and singing "Silent Night," a Sunday school class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity might have looked like.
One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary, and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene, asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
********************************
The Joy of Boys
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke -- lots of it.
9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old
boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with
without kid.
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical.
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
********************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God.
If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.
-- that's what rednecks are made of.
I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya`ll know who ya are...
You might be a redneck if. . .
It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God. . "
You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You bow your head when someone prays.
You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
You've never burned an American flag.
You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this email from me it is because I believe that you, like me have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email. God Bless the USA.
******************************************************
Thanks to Li.Mo. for one of my wife's favorites...
Preacher...
The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"
Lengthy Sermon
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
********************************
Thanks to MAK: *** 30 YEARS DIFFERENCE ***
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office
1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system
1973: Disco
2003: Costco
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", "de plane, Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.
********************************
One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
********************************
Newly assigned officers to a naval air station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a lieutenant commander, kind of became an uncle to a family's only four-year-old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday school. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.
This same little girl was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews' flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, all the passengers with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."
The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret, either through poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations. One little boy, always a classic joke, said, "Harold be Thy name." Two other lesser-known prayers, though, are a little girl saying, "Give us this day our jelly bread." Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to "Lead us not into Penn Station."
After hearing the Christmas story and singing "Silent Night," a Sunday school class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity might have looked like.
One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary, and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene, asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
********************************
The Joy of Boys
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke -- lots of it.
9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old
boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with
without kid.
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical.
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
********************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God.
If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.
-- that's what rednecks are made of.
I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya`ll know who ya are...
You might be a redneck if. . .
It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God. . "
You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You bow your head when someone prays.
You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
You've never burned an American flag.
You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this email from me it is because I believe that you, like me have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email. God Bless the USA.
******************************************************
Thanks to Li.Mo. for one of my wife's favorites...
Preacher...
The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
hUMOR For February 1st
********************************
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 501. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 12. You no longer think of speed limit's as a challenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walksinto the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music.15. Your eyes won't get much worse.16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list. Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER1. Sag, You're it.2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.4. Kick the bucket.5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc Goose.7. Simon says something incoherent.8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 10. Musical recliners.
********************************
KERRY
As a veteran of World War Two,
My life has grown somewhat scary,
From what is bound to ensue,
If our next president is John Kerry.
He is weak of National defense!
His thoughts of how to handle our taxes
Just doesn't make any good sense.
He wants to chop us with new tax axes
He is soft on homosexuals marrying
And many other things if I had the time.
If elected, the load we'll be carrying
Will make our lives far from sublime.
He speaks from both sides of his mouth,
At the same time, which is difficult to do.
He's the north end of a donkey headed south, That's why I'm afraid of what might ensue.
Yes, if he should make the presidency
In this year of two thousand and four,
If, in the white house he takes up residency I'll be frightened about what lies in store.
(Just as I would have been with Gore.)
By L.B. Strawn
March 8, 2004
*********************************************
Thanks to CRJ: Pick Up Line
A very elderly gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"
*********************************************
Thanks to LBS: New 2005 California State Employee HandbookDer New 2005 California State Employee Handbook
By Arnold Schwarzenegger
SICK DAYS
Ve vill no longer accept a doktor's shtatement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doktor, you are able to come to verk.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee vill receive 104 personal days a year.
Dey are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that dey can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because dat's all der time needed to drink der Shlim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to verk dressed according to your salary. If ve see you vearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, ve assume you are doing vell financially and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so dat you may buy nicer clothes, and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-betveen, you are right vere you need to be and derefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
Dis is no excuse for missing verk. Dere is notting you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-verkers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to da arranchments. In rare cases vere employee involvement is necessary, da funeral should be scheduled in da late afternoon. Ve vill be glad to allow you to vork troo your lunch hour and subsequently leave vone hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in da restroom.
Dere is now a shtricht 3-minute time limit in der shtalls. At der end of tree minutes, an alarm vill sound, der toilet paper roll vill retract, the shtall door vill open and a picture vill be taken. After your second offense, your picture vill be posted on der company bulletin board under da "Chronic Offenders"
category.
Tank you for your loyalty to our great shtate. Ve are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Tank you, DER GOVERNATER
********************************
SIGNS OF WEAR "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just aslong as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
********************************
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some one has got my pen."***************Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do youthink is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simplyreplied, "No peer pressure."***************The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.******************
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.
********************************
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.I had amnesia once -- or twice.I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.What if there were no hypothetical questions?One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.How can there be self-help "groups"?Is there another word for synonym?Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?The speed of time is one-second per second.Is it possible to be totally partial?What's another word for thesaurus?Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************************
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.
EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN
THAT HELICOPTER."
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER
RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
ONE YEAR LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.
MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT
HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."
ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE
YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE
WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT.
THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS.
BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.
HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL
NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY
GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T.
I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN
ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 501. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 12. You no longer think of speed limit's as a challenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walksinto the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music.15. Your eyes won't get much worse.16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list. Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER1. Sag, You're it.2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.4. Kick the bucket.5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc Goose.7. Simon says something incoherent.8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 10. Musical recliners.
********************************
KERRY
As a veteran of World War Two,
My life has grown somewhat scary,
From what is bound to ensue,
If our next president is John Kerry.
He is weak of National defense!
His thoughts of how to handle our taxes
Just doesn't make any good sense.
He wants to chop us with new tax axes
He is soft on homosexuals marrying
And many other things if I had the time.
If elected, the load we'll be carrying
Will make our lives far from sublime.
He speaks from both sides of his mouth,
At the same time, which is difficult to do.
He's the north end of a donkey headed south, That's why I'm afraid of what might ensue.
Yes, if he should make the presidency
In this year of two thousand and four,
If, in the white house he takes up residency I'll be frightened about what lies in store.
(Just as I would have been with Gore.)
By L.B. Strawn
March 8, 2004
*********************************************
Thanks to CRJ: Pick Up Line
A very elderly gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"
*********************************************
Thanks to LBS: New 2005 California State Employee HandbookDer New 2005 California State Employee Handbook
By Arnold Schwarzenegger
SICK DAYS
Ve vill no longer accept a doktor's shtatement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doktor, you are able to come to verk.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee vill receive 104 personal days a year.
Dey are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that dey can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because dat's all der time needed to drink der Shlim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to verk dressed according to your salary. If ve see you vearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, ve assume you are doing vell financially and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so dat you may buy nicer clothes, and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-betveen, you are right vere you need to be and derefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
Dis is no excuse for missing verk. Dere is notting you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-verkers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to da arranchments. In rare cases vere employee involvement is necessary, da funeral should be scheduled in da late afternoon. Ve vill be glad to allow you to vork troo your lunch hour and subsequently leave vone hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in da restroom.
Dere is now a shtricht 3-minute time limit in der shtalls. At der end of tree minutes, an alarm vill sound, der toilet paper roll vill retract, the shtall door vill open and a picture vill be taken. After your second offense, your picture vill be posted on der company bulletin board under da "Chronic Offenders"
category.
Tank you for your loyalty to our great shtate. Ve are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Tank you, DER GOVERNATER
********************************
SIGNS OF WEAR "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just aslong as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
********************************
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some one has got my pen."***************Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do youthink is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simplyreplied, "No peer pressure."***************The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.******************
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.
********************************
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.I had amnesia once -- or twice.I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.What if there were no hypothetical questions?One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.How can there be self-help "groups"?Is there another word for synonym?Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?The speed of time is one-second per second.Is it possible to be totally partial?What's another word for thesaurus?Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************************
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.
EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN
THAT HELICOPTER."
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER
RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
ONE YEAR LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.
MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT
HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."
ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE
YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE
WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT.
THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS.
BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.
HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL
NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY
GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T.
I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN
ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
Monday, January 31, 2005
hUMOR For January 31st
********************************
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
********************************
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
********************************
Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.
After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, "Have you ever been imprisoned?"
He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, "I didn't realize this was still a requirement."
********************************
Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.
After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, "Have you ever been imprisoned?"
He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, "I didn't realize this was still a requirement."
********************************
A GORE LIMERICK
There is this guy named Al Gore,
Whose promises make me sore.
He promises the sky,
Fresh baked apple pie,
And more, and more and more.
In the past, in order to get our pay,
We had to work 'most ev'ry day.
Now, the Government promises to give
In order for most of us to live,
And I don't believe that's a good way.
By L. B. Strawn
********************************
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B: Think hard about solving this one.
(It is not supposed to be funny...)
Ethical/Moral Question
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
********************************
YOU MIGHT BE FROM MINNESOTA IF:* you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...* your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar...* snow tires come standard on all your cars...* at least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm...* you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...* you can identify a Duluth accent... it's pronounced; Doo-loot* you know what "cow-tipping" is.....* you learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike...* "Down South" to you means Iowa...* traveling coast to coast means going from Stillwater to Ortonville.* a brat is something you eat ...* you actually miss Rudy Perpich....* you have no problem spelling Minneapolis..* you got a passport to go to Wisconsin...* you used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday...* your radio dial is "locked" onto 'CCO.* You can actually pronounce and spell Mille Lacs...* you know what a bubbler is.....* the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...* your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce...* you think there should be a "FBI go home" bumper sticker on every car north of Rochester...* a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer...* you go out for fish fry on every Friday...* you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts...* when you tell someone where you are from and they say: 'I thought that was part of Canada...* your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July...* you know how to polka....* you think that Lutheran and Catholics ARE the major religions.....* formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap...* all your vacations are in-state, and "up nort".* you have to go to Florida to get a tan in August...* you define "swimming season" as "first week in August".* your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost...* you own an ice house, a snowmobile, and a pickup truck* your sports teams are "The Twinkies" and "The Queens"* you have more fishing poles than teeth...* you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend...* you need a second garage to store your "stuff"* when you talk "opener", you're not talking about cans.* you've got a bass boat, a speed boat, a canoe, and a pontoon..* you take pride in the winter temps at International Falls* happiness is owning a "piece of lakeshore"* you don't mind state taxes because of the "quality of life"* your major sports events are the high-school hockey and basketball tournaments* you go "home" ( to the farm ) for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and harvest.* you carry jumper cables in your car.
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
********************************
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
********************************
Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.
After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, "Have you ever been imprisoned?"
He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, "I didn't realize this was still a requirement."
********************************
Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.
After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, "Have you ever been imprisoned?"
He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, "I didn't realize this was still a requirement."
********************************
A GORE LIMERICK
There is this guy named Al Gore,
Whose promises make me sore.
He promises the sky,
Fresh baked apple pie,
And more, and more and more.
In the past, in order to get our pay,
We had to work 'most ev'ry day.
Now, the Government promises to give
In order for most of us to live,
And I don't believe that's a good way.
By L. B. Strawn
********************************
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B: Think hard about solving this one.
(It is not supposed to be funny...)
Ethical/Moral Question
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
********************************
YOU MIGHT BE FROM MINNESOTA IF:* you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...* your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar...* snow tires come standard on all your cars...* at least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm...* you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...* you can identify a Duluth accent... it's pronounced; Doo-loot* you know what "cow-tipping" is.....* you learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike...* "Down South" to you means Iowa...* traveling coast to coast means going from Stillwater to Ortonville.* a brat is something you eat ...* you actually miss Rudy Perpich....* you have no problem spelling Minneapolis..* you got a passport to go to Wisconsin...* you used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday...* your radio dial is "locked" onto 'CCO.* You can actually pronounce and spell Mille Lacs...* you know what a bubbler is.....* the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...* your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce...* you think there should be a "FBI go home" bumper sticker on every car north of Rochester...* a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer...* you go out for fish fry on every Friday...* you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts...* when you tell someone where you are from and they say: 'I thought that was part of Canada...* your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July...* you know how to polka....* you think that Lutheran and Catholics ARE the major religions.....* formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap...* all your vacations are in-state, and "up nort".* you have to go to Florida to get a tan in August...* you define "swimming season" as "first week in August".* your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost...* you own an ice house, a snowmobile, and a pickup truck* your sports teams are "The Twinkies" and "The Queens"* you have more fishing poles than teeth...* you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend...* you need a second garage to store your "stuff"* when you talk "opener", you're not talking about cans.* you've got a bass boat, a speed boat, a canoe, and a pontoon..* you take pride in the winter temps at International Falls* happiness is owning a "piece of lakeshore"* you don't mind state taxes because of the "quality of life"* your major sports events are the high-school hockey and basketball tournaments* you go "home" ( to the farm ) for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and harvest.* you carry jumper cables in your car.
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