hUMOR For January 17th

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As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer. The motorist was given a ticket for failing to come to a full stop at a stop sign.
"Don't I get a warning?" he protested.
The officer replied, "Sure. If you don't come to a complete stop next time, you'll get another ticket."
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A male crab met a female crab at a party and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away. So they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Oh, honey," he replied, "I can't drink that much every day."

hUMOR For January 16th

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Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating. A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day:

"What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.

"Nothing," he answered.

"Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed."

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Here is today's CleanPun.

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?

A: The ultrasound people.

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Here is today's CleanPun.

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?

A: The ultrasound people.

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By The Book

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"

I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him.

"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."

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It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

hUMOR For January 15th

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A joy of which I'll not partake
Is eating children's birthday cake.
To "blow out" candles, in a word,
Is really patently absurd:
Each puff contains sufficient moisture
To propagate your av'rage oyster.

So, Birthday-Boy and ditto-Daughter,
Withhold from me your whiff of water.
I do not need some little squirt
To atomize on my dessert.
Among the things I will not do
Is have my cake and drink it, too.

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A joy of which I'll not partake
Is eating children's birthday cake.
To "blow out" candles, in a word,
Is really patently absurd:
Each puff contains sufficient moisture
To propagate your av'rage oyster.

So, Birthday-Boy and ditto-Daughter,
Withhold from me your whiff of water.
I do not need some little squirt
To atomize on my dessert.
Among the things I will not do
Is have my cake and drink it, too.

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The rich industrialist from the North was horrified to find the southern fisherman lying lazily beside his boat, smoking a pipe.

"Why aren't you out fishing?" said the industrialist.

"Because I have caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman.

"Why don't you catch some more?"

"What would I do with them?"

"You could earn more money," was the industrialist's reply.

"With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nylon nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."

"What would I do then?" asked the fisherman.

"Then you could really enjoy life."

"What do you think I am doing right now?"

hUMOR For January 14th

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"Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money."
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After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the "picture," but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly WITCH he's runnin' around with!"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.
"Could you please spell that?" she asked.
"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
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I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.
The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
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Pandemonium Strikes Again

When the ice-maker on our refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the local hardware to find the part. Because the sun was so bright that day and the interior of the store was dark, his eyes hadn't quite adjusted when he walked in. He accidentally stepped on the foot of a woman examining some samples. She screamed, causing my husband to jump sideways into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction. Unnerved, he stumbled over to the service desk, and as he put his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl of marbles, scattering them everywhere.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there, "My refrigerator doesn't work."

She replied, simply, "I don't doubt it."

hUMOR For January 13th

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Childbirth

After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.

It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."

"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.

The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."
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After my 11 year old son did something really dumb, I called him a "moron." He looked at he like he was saying, "Dad, do you know anything?"
He finally said "Dad I looked 'moron' up in the dictionary and the definition of it is 'a person who has the intelligence of a 12 year old.' Thanks Dad, you just gave me a compliment!"
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Gladys Dunn was new in town and decided to visit the church nearest to her new apartment.

She appreciated the pretty sanctuary and the music by the choir, but the sermon went on and on. Worse, it wasn't very interesting. Glancing around, she saw many in the congregation nodding off.

Finally it was over. After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."

He replied, "You and me both!"
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E-Mail Blessing
Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.
May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or Return it within a limited time frame.
May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove Your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.
May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain Strangely named attachments and contain a "<" for every ">".
May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at Those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children You are to be searching for.
May the mail you receive not cause you to change Your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating Of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel Plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 Number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.
May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the Death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.
And above all may peace and harmony be yours until Tomorrow.
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Bad Day

You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Dad. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"

hUMOR For January 12th

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A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
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A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.

Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.

The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"

The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"
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Late for Class

At a prestigious university there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when a student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"

"Well," mused the unperturbed young man... "first they saluted, then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"
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Perfecting the Art of Falling ApartMy hair's getting thinner, my body is not;The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.I smell of Vick's Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;If my name's not there, I'll once again start-Perfecting the art of falling apart.

hUMOR For January 11th

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Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.
The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?"
To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah", but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it"
The guy with the car door says, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
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A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
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1. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables get someone else to hold them while you chop away.
2. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
3. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
5. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
6. And most helpful of all - DO NOT TRY ANY OF THE ABOVE HINTS.

hUMOR For January 10th

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"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"


HOPE TO HAVE MORE hUMOR TOMORROW

hUMOR For January 9th

Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who traveled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he inquired in this way:
My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian (absolute silence); but my Grandmother was an Episcopalian (more silence); I must tell you that my other Grandfather was a Catholic (deep silence); while my other Grandmother was Methodist (continued silence).
But I must tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist (loud cheers!)...and I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!"

hUMOR For January 8th

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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife says, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "Hebrews" (He Brews)
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As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is an unusual looking whale," I commented.
With a sad smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."
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Ordering a Pizza in the Future

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Delivery. May I have your National ID number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from, sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll! like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car was reposessed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003 conviction for swearing at a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for swearing at a judge Oh yes, I see here that you recently got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.
Thank you for calling Pizza Delivery.

hUMOR For January 7th

My mother's co-workers sympathized as my she complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked her.

"I could have," my mother told the group, "but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
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Eye Exam

I believe my daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.

I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart.

She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"

hUMOR For January 6th

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast as the month after New Year's, and all through the houseNothing would fit me, not even a blouse.The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd tasteAt the holiday parties had gone to my waist.When I got on the scales there arose such a number!Then I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheeseAnd the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirtAnd prepared once again to do battle with dirt---I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chipEvery last bit of food that I like must be banished'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.I won't have a cookie--not ev! en a lick.I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---But isn't that what January is for?Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
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Report Card

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."
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Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to
protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.
Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.
That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it.

hUMOR For January 5th

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Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break.
"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
I need some duck tape - my duck has a quack in it.
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New Year's Dinner

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

hUMOR For January 4th

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After a close friend moved away, we began to communicate by computer. We met each week in her favorite chat room and would type for hours.
One night, I had a high fever and swollen larynx and felt too sick to chat, so I dashed off a brief note canceling our cyber-plans, then fell exhausted into bed.
My friend seemed upset when I phoned her a few days later. "If you don't want to go on the 'Net with me," she said, "just say so."
Perplexed, I retrieved the last e-mail I'd sent her. It read, "I won't be able to talk to you on the computer tonight. I have laryngitis."
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You Might Belong To A Redneck Synagogue If . . .
(Sorry folks, there was just no way to Gooberfy this one)
People ask, when they hear about oil lasting 8 days, whether it was Pennzoil.
The shofar sounds like a duck call.
The Bar Mitzvah centerpiece is made from grits. It's in the shape of a shotgun.
The rabbi says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to approach the bima," and then five guys and two women stand up.
You can tell it's a fancy Oneg Shabbat when they serve beef jerky.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as another high holiday.
A member of the synagogue requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The rabbi and the cantor drive matching pickup trucks.
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
Bris is referred to as "branding".
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
High notes on the organ set the dogs under the floor to howling.
The Sisterhood recipe for gefilte fish calls for a medium-sized catfish.
You can recognize life cycle events by the clean t-shirts.
For Purim, all the kids dress up as Dale Earnhardt.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?"
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Although he had packed his bag for a business trip the night before, my husband planned to come home from the office before leaving. That afternoon he called to say the meeting had been canceled and on the spur of the moment we decided to spend a romantic, child-free night in a hotel.

I quickly repacked his suitcase, replacing his belongings with two wine glasses, candlesticks and candles and some bubble bath. Then I dashed out to buy a bottle of wine.
When I returned, the bag was gone. A note on the kitchen table read: "Sorry, hon, the business trip's on after all.
I'll call you when I get there."

hUMOR For January 3rd

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I was telling a friend about my enrollment in a weight-loss program and how excited I was about the meetings.
"Sounds great," she said. "I'm almost tempted to join too."
"Well, next time I go," I replied, "I'll take you along."
"Okay," my friend responded, and then she asked, "Do they serve refreshments?"
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Old man Fielding, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode. Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.
Fielding, much taken aback, began, "Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others have fine mansions?"
"Well, sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with the money you sent us."
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A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

hUMOR For January 2nd

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Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.
The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.
My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description: "Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party."
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Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.
The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.
My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description: "Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party."
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You've Got No Mail

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

The psychiatrist asks, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

"That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.

"How's that working?"

Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet," the blonde replies.

"And why do you think that is?"

The blonde says, "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
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Its Colorado and this trucker is driving along and comes to a read light and stops.
He is looking in his rear view mirror and watches a red mustang pull up and a Blond jump out and run up to his truck and knocks on his window and as he rolls it down she says "Hi I'm Jill!, and you are losing your load" The light changes and the truck driver ignoring her just drivers off.

At the next stop light, the Blond jumps out and runs up to his truck and says "Hi I'm Jill!, and you are losing your load" This time the driver shakes his head and just drives off.

At the next light as he stopped the Blond again runs forward slightly out of breath and exasperated said "Hi I'm Jill!, and you are losing your load"

The truck driver hurriedly speeds to the next red light. He jumped down and ran to the mustang before the Blond could get out and knocks on her window and when she rolled it down he said: Hi! we are in Colorado, it is winter and my name is Kevin, and I am salting the road.

Humor For January 1st

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I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game.
I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said,
"Boy, it sure would be nice in pizzas lived in the woods."
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The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
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IT WAS NEW YEAR'S DAY and the Rose Parade was just starting. To get the best view, we had splurged on reserved seats in the grandstand. Yet every time a float passed, the large man in front of us stood to take pictures. We could see nothing.

Drastic action was called for. I took a picture of the scene in front of us with my Polaroid. When the photo developed, I gave it to the man, who looked wordlessly at a shot of his rear end.

He remained seated for the rest of the parade.
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Warm Up WitWhen my friend was a pastor of a church in Philadelphia, he was busy one afternoon nailing up an errant vine. A nearby neighbor's son stood by watching for a while. Finally my friend asked, "Well my young friend, are you trying to get a hint or two about gardening?""No sir," said the boy, "I'm just waiting to hear what a minister says when he hammers his thumb."

hUMOR For December 31st

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You Know You Have A Bad Computer When . . .
10. The lower corner of screen has the words "etch a sketch" on it.
9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of cigarettes.
8. You have to pedal it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: "good luck!"
6. The only chip inside is a dorito.
5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.
4. You catch a virus from it.
3. Screen frequently freezes and message comes up: "Ain't it break time, Chester?"
2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.
1. It cyber-snickers at you.
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Here is today's CleanPun.
A pregnant woman from San Francisco got in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A boy and a girl. When your brother heard about the accident, he came to San Francisco, since he was the closest relative we had him name them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
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Shoplifter

My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act.
He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."

hUMOR For December 30th

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There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.
The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on?I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."
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It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
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Concentrating

I was talking to my preacher I noticed he had cut himself shaving.

I asked him about it. He said he was concentrating on his sermon and nicked his chin.

I told him next time to concentrate on what he was doing and cut his sermon.
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From the Mouth of a 6-year-old

My mother teaches first grade in a small town. One day, she took all her students down the hall to the restroom at once so as not to be disturbed every 5 minutes for a bathroom break. As first-graders tend to dawdle, she urged them to "hurry up and take care of business" so they could get back to the classroom.

One young man looked up at her and, in all seriousness said, "Teacher, I don't have any unfinished business."

hUMOR For December 29th

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Here is today's CleanPun.
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holderon the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"
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Can't Wait

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at
our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook."
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A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. He went and told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar and told Mr. Thompson to taste it.
He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. hompson," said the doctor.
So Mr. Thompson went home very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson went back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"
Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47..."
Immediately Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!