hUMOR For December 18th

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A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall. They decided to go their separate ways and meet two hours later.
The husband was at their appointed meeting place at the appointed time, but there was no sign of his wife. After waiting for half an hour, he started looking for her but couldn't find her in any of the stores she usually frequented.
Finally, thoroughly tired of looking for her, he approached a beautiful blonde on a mall bench. He smiled at her and said, "Please, talk to me! Quick!"
She said, "Why?"
"Because I've been looking for my wife all over this mall and I can't find her," the man replied.
"How will talking to me help you find your wife? I have absolutely no idea what she looks like, much less where she is."
"I didn't think you did. However, every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears!"
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Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time.
At the last stop, I said, "Ya know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That lil' white truck is keeping up with us.
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** I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess its NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

** This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.

** (Game show-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!

hUMOR For December 17th

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Here is today's CleanPun.
Some of you on this list will actually enjoy these - proof once again of the need for more therapists in the world, lol.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?It's Christmas, Eve!
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?Santa Claustrophobia!
What disasters could happen if you dropped the Christmas turkey?The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China and the overthrow of Greece!
What's ice? Skid Stuff!
Where do snowmen go to dance?Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around?By icicle!
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My sister has the courage--but not always the skills--to tackle any home-repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested.
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Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy.... "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
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How Many Feet?

I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver's permit.

"Oh, she said, "I already know everything in the book."

"You do?" I returned.

"Yep", she said, very smugly.

I thought, "OK, I'll give her a hard one." So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"

"One," she replied.

"What?" I asked. "One?!"

She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added, "One, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."

hUMOR For December 16th

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Computer's Down

Our new office computer system was down as much as it was working. My co-worker Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!"

The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down."
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A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
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A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
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The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.

After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him--he sauntered in. "Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
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Bragging

At the day-care center where I work, some of the children were telling me about their siblings.

"My brother takes horseback-riding lessons," bragged one.

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"

hUMOR For December 15th

Adoption
The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an
end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful
Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college
so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so,
when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."
**********
One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.
As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
**********

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...
MAIN ENTRANCE.
*********
Thanks to Larry Clott for today's CleanPun.
The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it. After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny's had an odd element in it.
"Johnny, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?
"It's the flea, teacher."
"What flea?" asked the teacher.
To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse: "Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There's Mary; there's Jesus; and there's the flea."

hUMOR For December 14th

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A minister is visiting his children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.
His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.
She replies, "Yes... it's breakable."
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As I was checking my 401(k) account and thinking about retirement, I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes are.

Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!

Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.

Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.

The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.

Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees.
Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.

After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.

Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!
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Away From His Desk
A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"
***********************

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met a young lady of excellent character and virtue that interested him very much. What should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great idea, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."

hUMOR For December 13th

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*Seasonal Ways of Calling Someone A Goober*
- A couple of slates short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.
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*Seasonal Ways of Calling Someone A Goober*
- A couple of slates short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.
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My sister has the courage--but not always the skills--to tackle any home-repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.

"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested.

hUMOR For December 12th

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*Top Ten Gifts Your Husband Doesn't Want For Christmas*
10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage
9. Any knick-knack
8. Tickets to the ballet
7. Another new tie
6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket
5. New teddy bear pajamas
4. Vacuum cleaner
3. A weekend seminar on "Getting in Touch With Your Feelings"
2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers
1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (OK, well maybe.)
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Here is today's CleanPun.
Q. What does a reindeer say before telling you a (bad) joke?
A. "This will sleigh you."

hUMOR For December 11th

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Got Cable?

In my job as an electronics salesman, I've seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and mini-vans. This has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy.

One day, as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD's, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, "Does it get cable?"
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*Top Ten Gifts Your Wife Doesn't Want For Christmas*
10. A car wash kit
9. A table saw
8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City's Home Theatre Installation Seminar
7. A case of oil
6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated
5. Custom engraved bowling ball
4. New outboard motor for fishing boat
3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD
2. New satellite dish with sports package
1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic
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On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.

Then, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"
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Close Enough for Government Work

This insurance company's contract with a government agency has just expired, and a technician fields the call from an agency bureaucrat reminding him that he needs to destroy the agency-provided software.

"I agreed that we would delete the software from the mainframe computer,"
says the tech.

The reply? "That's not good enough -- the software must be destroyed."

"How do you destroy software?" tech asks. But the agency guy can't give specifics. "He just kept insisting that deleting the software was not enough -- we must destroy the software!"

The tech finally suggested that we copy the software onto a tape cartridge, have a steamroller roll over it and send the flattened tape cartridge to the agency.

The steamroller was on site because a company was repaving the parking lot.
The tech suggested the idea because of frustration with the construction in the parking lot -- and frustration with the government employee who did not seem to have a clue about the nature of software.

We put the flattened cartridge, at least all the pieces worth picking up, and the crushed tape into a padded envelop and mailed it to the government agency, to his attention.

We received a sincere thank you from the agency.

hUMOR For December 10th

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A Soldier's Night Before Christmas
(Original Title is "Merry Christmas, My Friend")

'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone, In a one-bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney, with presents to give and to see just who in this home did live.

As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see, no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land.

With medals and badges, awards of all kind, a sobering thought soon came to my mind.
For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen.
This was the home of a U.S. Marine.

I'd heard stories about them, I had to see more, so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping, silent, alone, Curled up on the floor in his one-bedroom home.

He seemed so gentle, his face so serene, Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.
Was this the hero, of whom I'd just read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?

His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan.
I soon understood, this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw that night, owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight.

Soon around the Nation, the children would play, And grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom, each month and all year, because of Marines like this one lying here.

I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone, on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.

He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice, "Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my Corps."

With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep, I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I watched him for hours, so silent and still.
I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red, and covered this Marine from his toes to his head.
Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold, with an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride, and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.

I didn't want to leave him so quiet in the night, this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure, said "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas Day, all secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right, Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight.
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Little Brother?

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like
a little brother," the boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little
brother?"

"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
Late one evening, while sitting and looking out their kitchen window somewhere in northern Russia, Rudolf and his wife Tanya were observing the inclement weather.
"This rain is going to make a mess out of the roads tonight Tanya," said Rudolf.
"That's not rain," says Tanya, "that's snow!"
"Don't be rediculous!" huffs Rudolf. "That's Rain!"
"Thats snow you old fool," says Tanya.
"Its not snow old woman, its rain, ... Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
Late one evening, while sitting and looking out their kitchen window somewhere in northern Russia, Rudolf and his wife Tanya were observing the inclement weather.
"This rain is going to make a mess out of the roads tonight Tanya," said Rudolf.
"That's not rain," says Tanya, "that's snow!"
"Don't be rediculous!" huffs Rudolf. "That's Rain!"
"Thats snow you old fool," says Tanya.
"Its not snow old woman, its rain, ... Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"
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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty smart.

The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that that was good.

The chemist said that his dog could do better still. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers'
compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

They all agreed that that was brilliant!

hUMOR For December 9th

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Gift Suggestions

I you have an "Automotive Minded" Person in you life, these gift
suggestions should be considered.

1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change
the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked
maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000
miles or twice a year. $25

2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find.
4oz bottle. $12

3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24

4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or
stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium
Filaments, made in the USA! $1 ea.

5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not,
you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50

6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific
application. From $9.99

7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50! $14.99

8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!) From $2.99

9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order.
$14.99

10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95

11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99

12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59

13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!) $40.24

14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95

15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99

16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road obstacles). Sold by the
lb-ft/sec $0.50

17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck begins to run poorly,
(long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu,
black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty computer virus.
This product will safely remove the virus. $199

18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in your
rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the auto
companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS!
This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per square ft.
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*Coast Guard Christmas*
Twas the night before Christmas and all through each state,Coast Guard families were starting to celebrate.Just then from the white House came an urgent call,A crisis had arisen that would affect one and all.
In fact the U.S. State Department was frantic,For Santa Claus had just landed in the Atlantic!It Was foggy as ever; Rudolph had made a blunder.Santa, sleigh, and eight reindeer were going under.
Though the stockings were hung by the chimneys with care.Poor Santa gurgled, "I'll never get there."When what to his wondering eye should appear;But some coast guard cutters with their rescue gear!
The officers and crew were so lively and quick;Sure was a lucky break for good ole Saint Nick.With a nod from the captain. they went right to work.Rudolph was embarrassed, he felt like a jerk.
Poor Santa was soggy, but as anyone could see,He was very grateful to the U.S.C.G!And we heard him exclaim as they towed him from sight,"If it weren't for age and weight, I'd enlist Tonight!"
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*Coast Guard Christmas*
Twas the night before Christmas and all through each state,Coast Guard families were starting to celebrate.Just then from the white House came an urgent call,A crisis had arisen that would affect one and all.
In fact the U.S. State Department was frantic,For Santa Claus had just landed in the Atlantic!It Was foggy as ever; Rudolph had made a blunder.Santa, sleigh, and eight reindeer were going under.
Though the stockings were hung by the chimneys with care.Poor Santa gurgled, "I'll never get there."When what to his wondering eye should appear;But some coast guard cutters with their rescue gear!
The officers and crew were so lively and quick;Sure was a lucky break for good ole Saint Nick.With a nod from the captain. they went right to work.Rudolph was embarrassed, he felt like a jerk.
Poor Santa was soggy, but as anyone could see,He was very grateful to the U.S.C.G!And we heard him exclaim as they towed him from sight,"If it weren't for age and weight, I'd enlist Tonight!"
********************************
Quip 1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and lightning.

Quip 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Quip 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Quip 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Quip 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Quip 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Quip 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Quip 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.

Quip 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Quip 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

hUMOR For December 8th

********************************
Thanks to marti -- True or False?

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. On only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
1 4. The average computer user blinks 7 times a
minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William me NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in
1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

See answers below

******************************************************

Thanks to PW: Shortened 23rd Psalm

In his beautiful book, "I Shall Not Want," Robert Ketchum tells of a Sunday School teacher who asked her group of children if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.

A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands.

A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said,

"The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."

She bowed again and went and sat down. That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.

******************************************************

Thanks to LBS: Sad But True

A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.
However, when the bell rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors. Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, "Don't feel bad fella'....they won't let ME in either."

******************************************************

Answers to the above questions...

They are all true....Now go back and think about #16

******************************************************

Thanks to La Mi -- late, but my fault -- he sent it in timely fashion...

The Twelve Days of Thanksgiving....

On the First Day.....We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day.....We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day.....We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day.....We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.

On the Fifth Day..... We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.

On the Sixth Day.....We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day...We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey- nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day.....The word vegetarian keeps popping into our heads.

On the Ninth Day.....We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day.....We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day.....We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day.....We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says Amen.
********************************
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."
********************************
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.

One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.

That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"
********************************
At the start of an important trial, a small town attorney called his firstwitness to the stand. She seemed like a sweet, elderly woman. He approachedher and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you sinceyou were a young boy. You've become a huge disappointment to me. You lie,you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behindtheir backs. You think you're a hot shot lawyer, when you haven't the brainsto realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paperpusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across theroom and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"She replied, "Why, of course I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, also, is areal disappointment. He's lazy, bigoted, never has a nice word to say aboutanybody, and he drinks like a fish. He's been divorced five times, andeverybody knows that his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entirestate. Yes, I know him."The judge rapped his gavel, to quiet the tittering among the spectators inthe courtroom. Once the room was silent, he called both attorneys to hisbench. In a quiet, menacing voice, he warned, "If either of you asks her ifshe knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Has she been in this town too long or is she just too old?
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.
He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"
The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
********************************
*"Are you a Grinch?" Test*
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos dress a car).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.
********************************
My company had a successful year, and at the annual meeting, employees eagerly awaited the general manager's report on the performance of our branch.

"You are the role models of our company," he proudly announced. "I can tell you that whenever the owners talk about you and your office, they use nothing but expletives." A stunned silence followed.

Then the manager blushed, cleared his throat, and added,

"I meant superlatives."
********************************
AT CHRISTMAS TIME, REMEMBER …According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, not get lost and not drop dead of natural causes!

hUMOR For December 7th

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The Gift of the Email
by Robert Byron

My wife's siblings decided that they all wanted to go in together on a gift for their parents. The conversation was communicated in written form via email. It went pretty much like this:

"Ellie and I were talking this morning about lots of things. One of the things we talked about was a Christmas gift for Mom. She mentioned Mom's subtle hint about the ornaments. An excellent idea, of course. I mentioned that I had found a pendant that had room for a gem stone for all 13 grandchildren. Love, Amy"

"Would love to get a lawn service in place for Dad (even if it is every other month, it could offer some relief). Love the pendant for Mom. I think she would love it! Candice"

"Okay, scroll down to the bottom of Mom's email. Should we all chip in and get Dad the $220 fishing unit???? By the time tax is added in, we are looking at about $40. We are going there this Friday and Saturday (John-John has a football game in Herford on Saturday) -- I could look into getting it then.

What do you think? Love ya, Ellie"

"You can count us in. With love, Candice"

"Sounds awesome. I had the very same thought. It's a perfect Dad gift. Of course, Mom's task is to keep him from buying it himself between now and Christmas. :D ~Amy"

"We are in as well! - Ginger"

"Okay, all the girls are in. How 'bout the boys? Bob and Doug, should we count you guys in for the fishing unit for Dad for Christmas? Love, Ellie"

"Why are you asking Bob and Doug.....have you NOT learned yet!! Who does the shopping? Who makes the decisions? Linda and Celia, how do you y'all feel about the gift for Dad? - Ginger"

"I'm all for following the lead. Bob"

"Whatever works is fine for us.do you think he ever goes fishing? And has that dock, twice repaired now, ever launched a boat? And they moved to the coast because.? - Celia"

"You can count us in for Dad's gift but am I the only one who thinks we shouldn't have been including mom and dad in these emails? - Doug"
********************************
"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." - Mark Twain
********************************
"A Dieter's Christmas"
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!
********************************
"A Dieter's Christmas"
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!
********************************
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash, and the barman says, "Geez, that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my Rottweiler would beat the heck out of it." Fifty bucks is laid down. Out in the yard, the Rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his Pit Bull will win, but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and, when it's all over, there are bits of Pit Bull Terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, "Say, what breed is that anyway?"

The owner says, "Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink, it was the same breed as every other alligator."
********************************
Longer Days

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at
an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large
bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to
free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.

As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came
along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I
heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I
could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.)

"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared.

"You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
********************************If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

hUMOR For December 6th

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Christmas Signs:
- From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
- In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
- Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
- From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."
- In a Texas jewelry store: "Diamond tiaras: $70,000. Three for $200,000.
- A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
- In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything: A calendar to remind him when payments are due."
********************************
"You can tell a man is clever by his answers.
You can tell a man is wise by his questions."
~ Naguib Mahfouz (1911 - )
********************************
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
********************************
You Might Be A Redneck - .........

You might be a redneck if. . .This one is different and good...

it never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God. . ."

you've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

you still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

you bow your head when someone prays.

you stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

you treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

you've never burned an American flag.

you know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

you respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

you'd give your last dollar to a friend.

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of them. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends.
*****************************************************
Thanks to PW, a gentle soul who don't mean nothin' by it... :)

Women's favorite E-MAIL OF THE YEAR

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through, so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries.
Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson, and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

hUMOR For December 5th

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Here is today's CleanPun.
This past weekend, I was doing some baking for the holidays. It was getting late and I was tired. So, I decided to leave the cleanup mess until the next morning.
The next morning, I was getting my coffee and I noticed thousands of little tiny footprints in the flour on the counter top.
Needless to say, I wasted no time calling the FBI. They CONFIRMED that I did, in fact, have AntTracks.
Stupid terrorists!!
********************************
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
********************************
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a new computer instead.

During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"

Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"
********************************
A watched clock never boils.

********************************
Operation Order 12-2004 For: Official Visit of LT jg Santa Clause
1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S- Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."
c. Personnel will utilize standard "T" ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in "T" ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced.
d. Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SG's will submit stocking handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.
e. At first [sign] of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order OPLAN 7-01 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 9828 prior to the start of official clatter.
f. Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wandering eyeball" stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.
g. The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LT jg Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator's license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On Dancer, On Prancer, etc."
2. LT JG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the dayroom. All offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn- in at the conclusion of visit.
3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" or "Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night." This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.
FOR THE COMMANDER GOODE, U. B., LTC, OD Executive Officer

hUMOR For December 4th

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Sucker Bet

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually
plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five dollars a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet
but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes
and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his
$80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to
pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic
Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and
offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won
fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll
marry them for you."
********************************
Blindsided
by Robert Byron

Sometimes men get blindsided by women. Just when I think my relationship is going great, my wife will say something like, "Something is drastically wrong with our marriage."

Naturally, being dumbfounded by this statement, I'll ask, "Why do you say that? I thought that things were never better."

She'll say something like, "If you don't know, I am not going to tell you."

Upon further investigation I'll usually find out something along the lines of her friend's husband just gave his wife flowers for no apparent reason.
I'll try to explain to my wife that the friend's husband is probably just buttering up his wife for something he wants or trying to take the heat off of him for something he's done.

"It doesn't matter. She got flowers and I didn't."

"What about the flowers I gave you last week?"

"Those were for my birthday and they don't count."

The fact is, the friends husband should be shot. Men sometimes forget about the meeting we that had years ago where we determined which days of the year we give flowers to our wives. These special days were set aside so that no man would ever get in trouble for not giving a woman flowers when he is supposed to give flowers. We decided that anniversaries and birthdays are the big ones, followed by Valentines Day and then Mothers Day, etc. The fact is that my wife's friend's husband gave flowers when he shouldn't have. He broke the code. He crossed the picket line. He is Benedict Arnold.

In order to get those new golf clubs or because he wanted to make up for late night bowling with the boys, he betrayed men everywhere. No, he's not the bad guy. It's the fault of every other husband who happened not to give his wife flowers that day. We are the one's who have to pay for this mans hollow generosity. he should be shot.

"Honey. Do you think your friend's husband would like to go hunting with me and some of the boys?"

"I think he'd like that. I'll call my friend and I'm sure she'll want him to go."

"Good. I'll call the boys and tell them to get their guns ready."
********************************
Dog's Rules For Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don't pee on the tree... Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree... Mind your tail when you are near the tree... If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open... And Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and cleans. Don't eat off the buffet table. Beg for goodies subtly. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa -- they don't know any better. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it...
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on your charm big time.
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!!
********************************
Grandfather Turkey

Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey
scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she
gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over
in his gravy."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.
He was very upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was rather put off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.
Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.
He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"
"No problem", said Joe "I'm an extractor fan"
********************************
Baby Cry?

At 3:00 a.m. the young wife shook her husband awake, telling him to check
the baby.

He sat up for a full minute listening, then protested, "But I don't hear
her crying."

"I know." she replied, "It's your turn to go see why not!"

hUMOR For December 3rd

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We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets at our apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could find a place that would let us keep him.

One day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating. He reached down to pet him and while he was petting him he looked over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting. Looking back around to see what he was petting he realized that it was a raccoon that had came up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.
********************************
At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another.

Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link."
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My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
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The Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What
was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus'
father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get
that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always
talking about Verge n' Mary.
********************************
* "Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

* The difference between try and triumph is a little umph.

* Anything is easier to take apart than to put back together.
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Human body is an interesting phenomenon. A pat on the back can result in a swollen head.
~ Unknown

hUMOR For December 2nd

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It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.

"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
********************************
Stuck in rush-hour traffic, I couldn't help but stare at a burly biker wearing a black leather jacket and chaps pulled up next to me on a shocking pink Harley. My first thoughts were, "Is that really a pink Harley? I wonder if he's..."

Just then the traffic cleared, and he pulled up in front of me.

On the back of his jacket were stenciled the words, "Yes, it is. No, I'm not."
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Ax me about Ebonics.
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"One cannot consent to creep when
one feels the impulse to soar."
~ Helen Keller (1880-1968)
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A businessman was complaining about the recession.
"Things are so bad. Even those people who don't pay have stopped buying."
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When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
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Some insightful statements I have received from a friend that may help us better understand the plight of professional and college athletes.

Why Athletes Can't Have Real Jobs

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my ownmother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, JohnJenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm goingto graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line upalphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,then line up in a circle."Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime ofheavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock inthe morning regardless of what time it is."Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining toCoach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Walt
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Say What?

In the ascertainment of an excogitation of linguistic proclivity, one might
ascribe to the mentation that a phratry exists in which some encyclopedists
designedly cultivate a nonplussed ambience hypothecated to befuddle the vox
populi.

TRANSLATION: Judging from the words some people use, you'd think they
purposely write to confuse the average person.
********************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
********************************
You might be a redneck if .......

a. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
b. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
c. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
d. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
e. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
f. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
g. None of the tires on your van are the same size.
h. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
i. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
j. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
k. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
l. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
m. Starting your car involves popping the hood.
n. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
o. You whistle at women in church.
p. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
q. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
r. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.
s. You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.
********************************
Sucker Bet

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually
plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five dollars a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet
but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes
and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his
$80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to
pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic
Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and
offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won
fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll
marry them for you."
********************************
The Eleventh Commandment:
Thou shalt not committee.

hUMOR For November 30th

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A Child's Mind
by Robert Byron

The original reason that I began writing and publishing short stories was so that my son wouldn't have to hear about how weird and strange I am from other people. This way, he can get that information straight from the horse's mouth. However, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, as he has increasingly become the target of many of my stories.

The mind of a child is a complex thing. How it works, I'm not quite sure. My wife wanted our son to pick up his toys and instructed him to, "Make sure you get them all." My kid interpreted this statement as, "We're going to the mall."

"No, I said to pick up them all."

"When are we going to the mall?"

"We aren't going to the mall. Pick up all of your toys."

"We're going to the mall!"

Bill Cosby is right. All children have brain damage. Evidence of this is my son running around the house with a disposable diaper on his head as he yells, "I'm a pirate! I'm a pirate!" I see a four-year-old with a diaper on his head. He sees a pirate. I just don't understand.

It's my job as a parent to help heal my child's brain damage and I must say that I have been somewhat successful. A car cut me off on the highway one afternoon and as I braked to avoid a collision my son yelled as loud as he could at the offending vehicle, "Hey! Watch it pal!"

"My first thought was, "That's my boy!"

He comes up to me and begs for me to tickle him. As soon as I grant his wish, with a fit of giggles he will say, "Stop harassing me!"

The lad has just recently gotten to the point that he no longer cries when getting a haircut. He will let me know this fact when we arrive at the barber shop be saying, "I'm not going to cry Daddy. Don't worry. I'm not going to cry. It wasn't long ago that he would sob during a haircut. It wasn't uncommon for him to jerk his head away from the barber and exclaim, "Knock it off!"

The best times are bedtime when I get to read him stories. Our ritual starts with me saying a prayer followed by his prayers and then stories. Some stories are from books others are made up as we go along. Others are recreations of actual past events as he remembers them and he seems to remember the details better than I do. I'd better get the prayer and/or story right because if I don't, I will be reprimanded without hesitation.

At the end of our nightly routine, I have been known to fall asleep as I gently rub his head. I'm almost always awakened abruptly by a child pushing on my head as he urges, "Daddy! Wake up and go to bed!" I'll get up, tuck him in, then go downstairs and listen to him get out of bed and play.

"Are you sleeping up there?"

"Yes Daddy!"

"Are you harassing me?"

"Yes Daddy!"

"Well, watch it pal!

"Yes Daddy!"

"Knock it off and go to bed!"

"Yes Daddy!"

"I'll turn to my wife and say, "This kid is crazy! Why does he act this way?"

She'll look at me and say, " I'm a pirate and I'm going to the mall."
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What do you call an accordionist with a beeper? An optimist.
********************************
A cop is patrolling just before midnight in a well-known spot. He sees
a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
There's a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine, and
a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled, the cop walks to the car and raps on the driver's window
The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine. "

Pointing towards the young woman in the back, the cop says: "And her,
what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a sweater."

The cop is totally confused -- a young couple, alone in a car, at
night in a lovers' lane, and nothing obscene is happening?

"What's your age, young man?"

"Twenty-five."

"And her -- what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be eighteen in
eleven minutes."
********************************
"Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint."
~ Mark Twain
********************************
A panda eats shoots and leaves.
A gangster also eats, shoots, and leaves.
********************************
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.
If you are REALLY good, you will get out of it.
********************************
Can't Wait

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at
our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook."

hUMOR For Novmber 29th

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Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well there's one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience.
He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.

The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do.
The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret."

The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.

They both gasped with shock. It was the check for the Last Supper.
********************************
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"

One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."
********************************
If God had made woman before man, when man appeared, woman would have said, "And just where have you been?"

********************************
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.
~ Francis Bacon
********************************
GIRL: "When we're married I want to share all your worries
and troubles and help lighten your burden."
BOY: "Forget it, dear. I've got no worries or troubles."
GIRL: "But we're not married yet, darling."
********************************
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.

hUMOR For November 28th

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Bewildered

My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on
leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot
and my other brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the Air Base
where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.

When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates
came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I
followed with his gear. As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered
by their dumbfounded stares.

Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving
him a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter --
with a captain and sergeant carrying his bags!
********************************
Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"

The boss answered, "As soon as you do."
********************************
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse an sharp thwap on the shoulder.

Nothing.

He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.

Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk."