hUMOR For October 25th

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Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; my grandfather is too.
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I don't recall where I first read this,it may have been daily Humor, but I've had a copy of it in my drafts folder for some time now. Hope you enjoy it.

Good Dog...

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new
dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the
dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after
kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found
a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog
they wanted.

The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his
wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded.

The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the
books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.

"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.

The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing
marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and
finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his
paw.

The pastor and his wife were very impressed and
purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of church members came to visit.
The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog,
having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors
were very impressed.

One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"

"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.

He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor
commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair,
placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to
howl.

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NO CHEATING!

Don't scroll down until you choose

Which one are you?

No cheating. Pick your dessert, then look to see what psychiatrists think about you!

After taking this dessert personality test, send this e-mail on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.

If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose? (Sorry you can only pick one)

*Angel Food Cake

*Brownies

*Lemon Meringue Pie

*Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing

*Strawberry Short Cake

*Chocolate on Chocolate

*Ice Cream

*Carrot Cake

NO ... You can't change your mind once you scroll down!

So think carefully, what your choice will be!

OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about you!

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Angel Food Cake. . . Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times.
Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

Brownies. . . You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

Lemon Meringue Pie. . . Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.

Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing. . . Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation.

Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

Strawberry Short Cake. . . Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be overly emotional and annoying at times.

Chocolate on Chocolate. . . Sexy, always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate.

You have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside.
Not afraid to take chances.

You will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

Ice Cream. . . You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

Carrot Cake. . . You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.

hUMOR For October 24th

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911 Call

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Dang ...
I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dang ...

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No.

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the police. So don't send them.
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Enter México illegally.

Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.

Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.

Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.

Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural United States thing. You would not understand, pal."

Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.

Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.

Demand classes on American culture the Mexican school system.

Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in México.

Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.

Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time.
Because it will never happen. In México or any other country in the world... Except right here. Land of the Naïve.

God Bless America---She needs it.

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Hillbilly Etiquite

1. Never take a beer to a job interview - any job worth having will already have it stocked.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a jo b that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days, however if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to chara cters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

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On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money.
"We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."
I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.
"Right here," I said breathlessly.
His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.
One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"
Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"
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Honk If You Love Jesus

The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week.

"The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at the church. I then bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What followed was a truly uplifting experience ."

"I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go!... Go! Jesus Christ! Go!"

"Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love."

"There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience."

"A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed. I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection."

"I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away."

"Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience.
Honk if you love Jesus!!!"

DEO VINDICE

hUMOR For October 23rd

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There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"What did she say?" asked the friend.
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
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You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do."
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My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out. "I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do."

hUMOR For October 22nd

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties ...

The first man had married a woman from California, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Arkansas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
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Here is today's CleanPun.
I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota.
Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on our base. One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with instruments.
One of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled. There was no arriving general. We had almost played for the weather forecast.
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If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly:
at 45 mph.... "God Will Take Care of Me"
at 55 mph.... "Guide me, O Great Jehovah"
at 65 mph.... "Nearer My God to Thee"
at 75 mph.... "Nearer Still Nearer"
at 85 mph.... "This World is Not My Home"
at 95 mph.... "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
at 100 mph.... "Precious Memories"
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Gender of Inanimate Objects

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.
For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider
this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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Why???

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Daddy...

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

"Why?"

"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get It!" she beamed. "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

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Thanks to CRJ: Grandpa’s Wisdom On Marriage

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

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A Prayer...

Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear.

Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.

Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love. Amen

hUMOR For October 21st

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To all the pumpkins in my patch!!!

Never looked at it like this before..............

A woman was asked by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"

The coworker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then He cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."

This was passed on to me from another pumpkin. Now, it is your turn to pass it to a pumpkin. I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch.

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Hail or High Water

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana.
The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house, then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house.

It kept floating away from the house then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husban. I tole dat jackass he gonna cut the grass today come hail or high water...

POINTS TO PONDER

This is really interesting!!

If the population of the Earth was reduced to that of a small town with 100 people, it would look something like this:

57 Asians

21 Europeans

14 Americans (northern and southern)

8 Africans

52 women

48 men

70 coloured-skins

30 caucasians

89 heterosexuals

11 homosexuals

6 people would own 59% of the whole world wealth and all of them will be from the United States of America

80 would have bad living conditions

70 would be uneducated

50 underfed

1 would die

2 would be born

1 would have a computer

1 (only one) will have higher education

When you look at the world from this point of view, you can see there is a real need for solidarity, understanding, patience and education.

Also think about the following

This morning, if you woke up healthy, then you are happier than the 1 million people that will not survive next week.

If you never suffered a war, the loneliness of the jail cell, the agony of torture, or hunger, you are happier than 500 million people in the world.

If you can enter into a church (mosque) without fear of jail or death, you are happier then 3 million people in the world.

If there is a food in your fridge, you have shoes and clothes, you have bed and a roof, you are richer then 75% of the people in the world.

If you have bank account, money in your wallet and some coins in the money-box, you belong to the 8% of the people on the world, who are well-to-do.

If you read this you are three times blessed because:

1. somebody just thought of you.

2. you don't belong to the 200 million people that cannot read.

3. and... you have a computer!

A s somebody once said: - work as if you don't need money, - love as if you've never been hurt, - sing, as if no one can hear, - live, as if the Earth was a heaven."

If you like, send this to people you call friends.

If you don't send this, nothing will happen. But, if you send it - someone will smile.

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There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!
"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."
So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."
"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"
The guy thinks for a while. Then, "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks, power windows, 10-disk changer, you know the works."
"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"
"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."
"OK, suit yourself," says the genie.
So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends. He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
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Old Jacob Johnson, raging hypochondriac, was convinced that the pain on his left side was appendicitis. Mrs Johnson explained that the appendix is on the right.
"So, aha! THAT's why it hurts to much," said Jacob.
"My appendix is on the wrong side!"
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My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried.

"It's perfectly normal," he reassured me, "She's just having her contractions."
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Pretzel Charity

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.

Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as
he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never
take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter
as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to
tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

hUMOR For October 20th

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The Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word). Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming, then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"
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Gettin' Even...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.....

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOODNESS! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They are going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt USE THE SALT! THE SALT!

The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs????"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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Man works in a hardware store, and all of a sudden one day, a whole lot of tins of paint fall on him.
Of course, he's whisked off to hospital where they manage to clean him up physically, but mentally there's some definite scarring.
It was such an unusual case that the psychologist, treating the victim, called it by a brand-new term - Post-chromatic Stress Disorder.
An original pun by list member Leonie Edge!
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When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's
measurements: 36-22-36.
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It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise. He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused. Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior. Now," he said," are there any questions?
"One girl stood up timidly. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have our teacher back?"
"Where is exactly is your teacher?" "He's in the hall, sir."

hUMOR For October 19TH

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Words to Live By

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors; but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today....

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The "Gippers" Wisdom

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."

"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."

"The most terrifying words in the English language
are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."

"Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too stong."

"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."

"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me. Even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."

All quotes of Presiden Ronald Reagan.

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(These do not apply to criminals, who will be able to get a gun in spite of gun regulations of gun abolishment. L.B.S.) a.. An armed person is a citizen. An unarmed person is a subject.
b.. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c.. Smith &Wesson: The original point and click interface.
d.. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e.. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f.. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g.. Free people do not ask permission to bear arms.
h.. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i.. Those who trade liberty for security have neither- 60,000,000 Citizens were exterminated by their own governments in the 20th century.... will the 21st be any better???
j.. The United States Constitution - 1791. All Rights Reserved.
k.. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l.. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m.. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n.. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
o.. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p.. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q.. 911 - government sponsored Dial a Prayer.
r.. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s.. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.
t.. If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.
u.. Only a government that is afraid of it's citizens tries to control them v.. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w.. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
x.. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y.. The American Revolution would never have happened with Gun Control.
z.. "...a government by the people, for the people..."
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A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it.
A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would, so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.
The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"
The boy replied, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."
The Man responded, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"
"You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"
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A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it.
A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would, so the man bought it.
A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.
The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"
The boy replied, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."
The Man responded, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"
"You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"
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Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.

The other dog says, "What was that about?"

The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."
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Pretty Smart

The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess,
who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the
theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.

The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck-toothed and
bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered
doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear,"
carefully spelling the key word.

Whereupon the child piped up, "But awfully s-m-a-r-t!"

hUMOR For October 18th

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It all makes sense now

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnecologist ...... AND .....

When you have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.

Send this to all the men just to annoy them.
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FARM PUTER' TALK ! ! ! !

LOG ON: ...Makin' a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: ...Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: ...Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: ...Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ: ...Win yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: ...Whatcha git frum tryin' ti keery too much farwood.
RAM: ...That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: ...Gettin' home in the winter time.
PROMPT: ...Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: ...Whut to shut when it be cold outside.
SCREEN: ...Whut to shut when it be blak fly season.
BYTE: ...Whut dem flys do.
CHIP: ...Munchies fer watchin TV.
MICRO CHIP: ...Whut's in the munchie bag.
MODEM: ...Whatcha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: ...Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: ...Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: ...Whar ya hang the keys.
SOFTWARE: ...Dem plastic farks an' knifs.
MOUSE: ...Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAIN FRAME: ...Whut holds up the barn ruf.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: ...When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD: ...That there hippie talk fer the rat hole.

WHAT'S LOADED ON A FARMER'S COMPUTER.

- Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
- Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
- Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
- Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
- Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
- The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.

- Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
- Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
- Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".
- Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
- Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
- Daisy Duke screen saver.
- Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.

- Microsoft CEO "Billy- Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
- "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
- One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
- "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson" screen saver.
- Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".
- Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker- "Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me"
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A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

hUMOR For October 17th

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Grandma's Apron
The principle use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a holder for removing hot pans from the oven; it was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken-coop the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids and when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried out the hulls. In the fall the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.

REMEMBER THIS!
"Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughter's set theirs on the window sill to thaw."

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Mow the Grass

When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments.

When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.....



Graveside Service

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The diligent young preacher went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

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WORKOUT FOR SENIORS

The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the
following:

Monday:
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper

Tuesday:
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles

Thursday:
Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire

Friday:
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.

Sunday:
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them

..... What a Workout!
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*Vacation Term Translation*
In case any of you are still thinking about picking a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising lingo...
Old world charm =No bath
Tropical =Rainy
Majestic setting =A long way from town
Options galore =Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway =Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms =Already occupied
Explore on your own =Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts =They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees =No extras
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Here is today's CleanPun.
Biblical Baseball
Baseball was a well-established sport even in biblical times.:Genesis 1:1 ... "In the big inning"Genesis 24: ... 15,16 "Rebekah went to the well with a pitcher"Numbers 11:32 ... "ten homers"Second Kings 25:16 ... "and the bases which Solomon had made"Psalms 19:12 ... "Who can understand his errors?"Psalms 26:1 ... "1 have trusted, therefore, I shall not slide."Jeremiah 15:7 ... "And I will fan them"Ezekiel 36:12 ... "Yea, I will cause men to walk"Luke 17:17 ... "but where are the nine?"Galatians 5:7 ... "Ye did run well"

hUMOR For October 16

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While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.."Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."
"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."
********************************
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie!
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A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
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Voting Tips

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting
next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this
election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip
waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask
them to vote for you."

hUMOR For October15th

Routine Physical

A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the
basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, about One-sixty-five." he says.

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The
nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Oh, about six feet," he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then
takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.

"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was
tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
********************************
During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?"

Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors."

"Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door.

Received from CLEAN LAFFS.
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Here are some fun Tongue Twisters:

Twister Shorties: (say 'em a few times)
Greek grapes.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
Unique New York. Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.
Freshly-fried flying fish.
The epitome of femininity.
Common Twisters:
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers, Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, And chuck as much as a woodchuck would If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Tongue Twister Poems:
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw.

Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
It would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter,
That would make my batter better.
"So she bought a bit of butter -
Better than her bitter butter -
And she baked it in her batter;
And the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
Bought a bit of better butter.

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No offense to Texans, but - You Know You're from

Texas when:

You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wrangler Jeans and Cowboy Boots.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your tractor than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside.

Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads to go "mudding."

You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.

You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, so the coyotes won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.

You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Deer Season.

You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Texan and Yankee friends.

********************************
Helping a Bum

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good
today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I
gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give
away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

hUMOR For Oct. 14th

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Breakthrough?
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. The only way
to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive guys
were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation
area. It was exhausting work. The guys were getting tired just WATCHING.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had an
idea. They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a
series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.
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Definitions

Aquadextrious: The art of turning the bathtub tap on with your toes.

Pain: A cat licking your sunburn.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.

Profanity: The linguistic crutch of inarticulate idiots.

Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.

Bachelor: One who treats all women as sequels.

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other. (this one hurts a
bit)

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Taxpayer: Someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work for the government.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately needs it.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer

Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they're dead.

Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
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Message from the Rural Midwest:

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it... not just to keep up with the neighbors.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt whipped .. by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Roves Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you pay for one drink at the airport.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef' Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice!

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks and tractors because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too -- and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go East & West; Interstates 29, 35 & 55 go North & South.
Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot .. his name is "Sir"...
no matter how old he is.

Now please, enjoy your visit. Just don't overdo your stay, we have wheat to plant.
********************************
Schwartz and Feldman, partners in the garment industry, had just suffered through their worst season ever. Eight thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer each day.
Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't happen to have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."
Schwartz said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the eight thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.
"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Schwartz and Feldman were closing up shop when, at five minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: "Telegram!"
The partners froze. Trembling, Feldman grabbed the telegram and opened it.Suddenly, his face lit up. "Schwartz, GREAT NEWS! Your brother died!"
********************************
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner...
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
********************************
A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.
Near the cash register he saw a display of baseball caps with "WWJD" printed on them. Puzzled by what the letters meant, he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and that the question was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these baseball caps!"
********************************
A Yuppie Counting CattleA west Texas cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture whensuddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at hispeacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his PalmPilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheetwith hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives aresponse. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.""That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Thenthe cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly whatyour business is, will you give me back my calf?"The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?""You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says thecowboy."Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer Ialready knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business........Now give me back my dog."********************************

hUMOR For October 13th

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Rev. Jones shocked the congregation when he announced his resignation from the church and planned move to Arizona...
After the service a very distraught Mrs. Williams came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bill, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"
The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said, "Now, now, Liz, don't carry on so... The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me."
"Yeah", she cried, "That's what Paster Mike said when he left!"
********************************
Rev. Jones shocked the congregation when he announced his resignation from the church and planned move to Arizona...
After the service a very distraught Mrs. Williams came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bill, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"
The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said, "Now, now, Liz, don't carry on so... The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me."
"Yeah", she cried, "That's what Paster Mike said when he left!"
********************************
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior
K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident.

Returning home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene.

As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send a blind policeman!"
********************************
A friend of mine decides to try horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but then my friend begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the
stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her
head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered
against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when ...
the Wal-Mart manager runs over to shut off the horse.
********************************
A lawyer's answer to the question: "How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb
Answer: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the stricture of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'Lawyer,' and the party of the second part, also known as 'Lightbulb,' do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not limited to, the following steps:
(1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable. (2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle),the party of the first part(Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

hUMOR For October 12th

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The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said: "It's easy. I just outlived them all!"
********************************
Catherine, a registered nurse, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
********************************
The Emperor's Seeds

An emperor in the Far East was growing old and knew it was time to choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or his children, he decided something different. He called young people in the kingdom together one day.

He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you." The kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give each one of you a seed today, one very special seed. I want you to plant the seed, water it and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next emperor!"

One boy named Ling was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the story. She helped him get a pot and planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had grown.

After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Ling kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, 4 weeks, 5 weeks went by. Still nothing.

By now, others were talking about their plants but Ling didn't have a plant, and he felt like a failure.
Six months went by; still nothing in Ling's pot.

He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Ling didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just kept waiting for his seed to grow.

A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn't going to take an empty pot but his Mother said he must be honest about what happened. Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his Mother was right. He took his empty pot to the palace.

When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other youths. They were beautiful-in all shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kids laughed at him.

A few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try." When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people. Ling just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of you will be appointed the next emperor!"

All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his Empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was terrified. "The emperor knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me killed!" When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My name is Ling," he replied. All the kids were laughing and making fun of him.

The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and then announced to the crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!" Ling couldn't believe it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor?

Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds, which would not grow.
All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it.
Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!"

If you plant honesty, you will reap trust.
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends.
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness.
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory.
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony.
If you plant hard work, you will reap success.
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap
reconciliation.
If you plant openness, you will reap intimacy.
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles But if you plant dishonesty, you will reap distrust.
If you plant selfishness, you will reap loneliness If you plant pride, you will reap destruction.
If you plant envy, you will reap trouble.
If you plant laziness, you will reap stagnation.
If you plant bitterness, you will reap isolation.
If you plant greed, you will reap loss.
If you plant gossip, you will reap enemies.
If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles.
If you plant sin, you will reap guilt.

So be careful what you plant now, it will determine what you will reap tomorrow.

The seeds you now scatter will make life worse or better, for your life or the ones who will come after.
Yes, someday, you will enjoy the fruits, or you will pay for the choices' you plant today.
********************************
Touche'...

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"

hUMOR For Oct 11

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Walk the Path

Early one morning a young boy set off on a trip to see his grandmother who lived ten miles away. The road he walked was well worn from 200 years of travel.

A few miles into his journey he came to a point where the road took a wide detour up a steep hill. The young boy could see his destination only a short distance away, across a beautiful meadow with flowers and tall green grass.

The boy thought how stupid it was that so many people walked miles out of their way, up and down hills, rather than just cut across the meadow. He was too smart for that!

He set off at a run. "Oh, this is much better!" he thought_ right before he tripped and slammed to the ground. The beautiful ground cover was made up of sticky vines covered with thorns. They tore at his hands as he struggled to free his legs. An hour later, exhausted and bloodied, he sat on an old log to catch his breath.

Just as he started to relax, the first bee stung him.
Within moments, he had been stung a hundred times. He ran screaming, and escaped the angry swarm.

He came to a small pond with the most inviting blue water he had ever seen. It smelled lovely, too. He drank deep, only to convulse in pain as his body rejected the poisonous liquid.

Many hours later, he found himself slogging through waist deep mud. The flowing green grass that had looked so inviting on the other side of the meadow hid a swamp so putrid and foul that he longed for the smell of a fresh skunk to ease the pain in his nostrils.

As night fell, the boy finally emerged from the beautiful meadow and walked the short distance along the road to his grandmother_s house. She met him at the door looking quite worried.

When she saw his condition, she smiled and said, "Ah!
I see you took the shortcut."

******************************************************

Thanks to Li Mo -- I am a senior citizen.

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.

I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.

I lost my job.

I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

I lost my homes.

I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.

Bush has to go.

Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein

******************************************************

Thanks to Li Mo -- Why you're not allowed to play in the cockpit!!

FLIGHT DATA RECORDER (FDR) TRANSCRIPTS:

Cleaner #1: "Hey Bob I really don't think were supposed to be up here."

Cleaner #2: "Tony, you're such a worry wart. Anyhow, we're suppose to be up here remember, were cleaning this bird."

Cleaner #1: "Are you sure? I thought they told us to stay out of the cockpit"

Cleaner #2: ""Hey look at me I'm a pilot!!!...(Deep
Voice) Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain speaking were at an altitude of 30,000 feet and Oh my God watch out for that mountain.........Ahhhhhhhh (laughter).

Cleaner #1: Hey man cut it out....Hey don't touch that it says "engine start" on it...

Cleaner #2: Don't worry....they always turn these things off while they're at the gate.

(Engine sounds in background....cleaners unaware)

Cleaner #2: Ready for takeoff......VRRRRRROOOOM VRRRRROOOOM (Throttles rapidly moved from idle to full and back to idle and full again) WEEEEEEEE!

Cleaner #1: OH no were moving!!!

Cleaner #2: WERE GOING TO HIT THE WALL RUN

(Cockpit door opens and slams shut. Occupants heard running to back of the airplane screaming and yelling)


30 seconds later...... Throttles pulled back to
idle.

(I Don't think those gentlemen have a job there
anymore!!!)
********************************
*Sunday School Lesson #1*
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.
One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."
*Sunday School Lesson #2*
The same Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
Jenny, a thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd vomit!"

hUMOR For October 10

********************************
Did you know........

This must take a special kind of person.

1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk across the Tomb of the Unknowns and Why?

21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one-gun salute, which is the highest honor given any military or foreign dignitary.

2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to begin his return walk and why?

21 seconds for the same reason as answer number 1.

3. Why are his gloves wet?

His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his grip on the rifle.

4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all the time, and if not, why not?

He carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the tomb. After his march across the path, he executes an about face, and moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.

5. How often are the guards changed?

Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year.

6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited to?

For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he must be between 5' 10" and 6' 2" tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30."

Other requirements of the Guard:

They must commit Two years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives. They cannot swear in public for the rest of their lives and cannot disgrace the uniform {fighting} or the tomb in any way.

After two years, the guard is given a wreath pin that is worn on their lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb. There are only 400 presently worn.

The guard must obey these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the wreath pin.

The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the loud click as they come to a halt. There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform.

Guards dress for duty in front of a full-length mirror.

The first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone, nor watch TV.

All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable people laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery. A guard must memorize who they are and where they are interred. Among the notables are: President Taft, Joe E. Lewis {the boxer} and Medal of Honor winner Audie Murphy, {the most decorated soldier of WWII} of Hollywood fame.

Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniforms ready for guard duty.

ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD, AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM..

I don't know if you saw this in the news but it really impressed me. Funny, our US Senate/House took 2 days off, as they couldn't work because of the expected storm.

On the ABC evening news, it was reported that, because of the dangers from Hurricane Isabelle approaching Washington DC, the military members assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier were given permission to suspend the assignment.

They respectfully declined the offer, "No Way, Sir!"

Soaked to the skin, marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, they said that guarding the Tomb was not just an assignment, it was the highest honor that can be afforded to a service-person.

The Tomb has been patrolled continuously, 24/7, since 1930.

We can be very proud of our young men and women in the service no matter where they serve.

God Bless them.

******************************************************
From The Heart

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother......
As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter. ....."Don't forget your girlfriends," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass..... "They'll be more important as you get older. ... No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you'll have, you are still going to need girlfriends.

... Remember to go places with them now and then....... do things with them..... And remember that girlfriends are not only your friends, but your sisters your daughters, and other relatives too......
You'll need other women. .

What a funny piece of advice,' the young woman thought..... 'Haven't I just gotten married?.....
Haven't I just joined the couple-world?

... I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake, a grown-up, not a young girl who needs girlfriends! ....
Surely my husband and the family we'll start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!' ..

But she listened to her Mother..... she kept contact with her girlfriends and made more each year...... As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about...... As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman.....
girlfriends are the mainstays of her life.....

After 50 years of living in this world, here is what she learned: Times passes...... Life happens.
.Distance separates. .... Children grow up..... Love waxes and wanes. .... Hearts break. .... Careers end.
... Jobs come and go.... Parents die.... . Colleagues forget favors..... Men don't call when they say they will..... BUT girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you..... A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can Reach...... When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it for yourself..... your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim.... cheering you on.... praying for you.... pulling for you.....
intervening on your behalf, and .waiting with open arms at the valley's end. .

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...... Or come in and carry you out.......
Daughters, sisters, mother, sisters-in-law, mother-in-law, Auntie's, nieces, cousins, extended family, and friends bless our life! ..... The world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would I....... When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead...... Nor did we know how much we would need each other....... Every day, we need each other still.......
********************************
Tattoo

When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he brought home
a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my
four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms.
Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked the visitor,
"Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
********************************
One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out.
This student got back his test and $64 change.