Caution

Caution
A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were
discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as,
"Take with food," and "Take with water."
At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.
Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them
onto his chemistry textbook. It read: "Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

A parish priest

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic. Sooo.....the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Two bowling teams

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level. The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realized she didn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette asked, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes said, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

After about three weeks in basic training

After about three weeks in basic training, my husband's unit was not measuring up to expectations. The sergeant threatened to send them all back three weeks to start over.
Apparently, at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice. As the sergeant's threat hung in the air, an annoymous voice called out,
"How about sending us back FOUR weeks?"

At the construction site of a new church

At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen. "Patty," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?"
"That I did."
"And you are a bricklayer. It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren't divided equally, are they?"
"No, that they ain't," agreed Patty, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. "My poor brother couldn't do this to save his life."

Seven months pregent

Seven months pregent, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.
"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."
The man in front of me piped up, "You'd better get used to it now. Once those young 'uns get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."

The Plea

The Plea

Working for a Judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal
defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful.
To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold,
the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce.
As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet
entered his plea, proudly announced, "There are 28.3 grams in an ounce,
your honor."
His attorney advised him to plead guilty.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."

A honeymoon couple

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, asked "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!"
Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM FOOTBALL

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM FOOTBALL
PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. Foreign Language: What language is spoken in France?
2. History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. Religion: What religion is the Pope? (circle only
one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
5. Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
6. Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. Religion: How many commandments were Moses given?
(approximately)
8. Geography: What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9. American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.
11. Natural Science: Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky 12. Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no 13. Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?
14. Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Architecture: Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
17. Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
IMPORTANT! You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

*A Florida Blessing*

*A Florida Blessing* Bless this house, oh Lord, we cryPlease keep it cool in mid-July. Bless the walls where termites dine,While ants and roaches march in time.Bless our yard where spiders passFire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to pleaseCarpenter beetles,Ticks and fleas.Bless the love bugs, two by two,The gnats and mosquitoes that feedOn you millions of creatures that fly or crawl,In Florida, Lord, you've put ! them all!!But this is home,And here we'll stay,So thank you Lord,For insect spray

One blonde asks another:

One blonde asks another:
"Which is further, Vancouver... or the Moon?"
The other replies: " HELLOOOOO, can you see Vancouver????? ! ! ! ! !"

A customer

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

New One Liners...

New One Liners...
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

Big Bad John

Big Bad John
Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John)
Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll 'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes - (Big John)
Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown 'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won Then turned against his country and his Navy friends And sold them out for his own selfish ends (Big John)
He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows Giving aid and comfort to America's foes It was clear to see whose side he was on Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon Big John (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore He never had to work a day in his life 'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! - (Big John)
Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die To give him the freedom to tell us his lies (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Thousands have sacrificed their young lives To help ensure that our nation survives A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Author Unknown -- and it's a shame, 'cause whoever it was took a known standard and made current application ... While we are not political here at Daily Humor, we do run material that is political. I will not run something I find offensive, or that I think is outside the realm of humor. I think the above is representative of the views of many and is humorous as well and so it is included here. More will most likely follow... it usually does as an election draws near. Send yours in and I'll happily look it over.

"You Might be a Preacher if..."

"You Might be a Preacher if..."
1. You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living.
2. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were.
3. You've wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times.
4. You find yourself counting people at a sporting event.
5. You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you are preaching on Sunday.
6. A church picnic is no picnic.
7. You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny of it.
8. You drive a Buick (any car) with more than 100,000 miles on it.
9. People sleep while you're talking.
10. It's Sunday, but Monday's coming.
11. You feel guilty when you go fishing.
12. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."
13. You've been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion.
14. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before you leave.
15. You'd rather talk to people with their heads bowed and every eye closed.
16. You've ever wanted to 'lay hands' on a deacon's neck.

*Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife*

*Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife*
17. "I finished the Oreos"
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that [insert beautiful movie actress' name here] had a baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"
12. "I'd be surprised if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella.' 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Wow, you're awfully puffy looking today!"
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your calf is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
... and...
1. "You don't have the guts to throw that..........."

Missing Equipment

Missing Equipment
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and
realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios
the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels
... just lean on each other until they arrive."

There was a couple who used to go to England

There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful stores. They both liked antiques and pottery and especially teacups. This was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. One day in this beautiful shop they saw a beautiful teacup. They said, "May we see that? We've never seen one quite so beautiful."
As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke. "You don't understand," it said. "I haven't always been a teacup. There was a time when I was red, and I was clay. My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, "let me alone, but he only smiled, "Not yet." "Then I was placed on a spinning wheel," the teacup said, "and suddenly I was spun around and around and around.
"Stop it! I'm getting dizzy!" I screamed.
But the master only nodded and said, 'Not yet.' Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why he wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening, and I could read his lips as He shook his head, "Not yet."
Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. "There, that's better," I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. "Stop it, stop it!" I cried. He only nodded, "Not yet." Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot, and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, "Not yet."
Then I knew there wasn't any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened, and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and said, "Look at yourself. And I did. I said, "That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful."
"I want you to remember, then," he said, 'I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked.
I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you."
MORAL: God knows what He's doing (for all of us). He is the Potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, so that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing, and perfect will. Author Unknown

Once upon a time

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Texas, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling plains. The people from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known all throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the crazy bunch I'm putting next to them in Louisiana."
(NOTE: Being from Arkansas originally, I would never stop a Texan from knocking Louisiana or vice versa for that matter... got any good LA jokes???)