When the customer started through the grocery checkout line, the bag boy asked, "Paper or plastic?"
When the cashier presented the bill, he held out a checkbook and credit card asking, "Paper or plastic?"
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Laws
Laws
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. Yield to temptation....it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... -- Ambrose Bierce
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
Slick's Third Law of the Universe: There are two types of dirt --- The dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and The light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Colvard's Logical Premise: All probabilities are 50%.
Either a thing will happen or it won't.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
Do it right the first time, then you don't have to mess with it again.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. Yield to temptation....it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... -- Ambrose Bierce
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
Slick's Third Law of the Universe: There are two types of dirt --- The dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and The light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Colvard's Logical Premise: All probabilities are 50%.
Either a thing will happen or it won't.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
Do it right the first time, then you don't have to mess with it again.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Divorce
Divorce
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up the phone.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced," she shouts.
"I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up the phone.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced," she shouts.
"I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
Friday, August 13, 2004
The strong young man
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."
Two nuns
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are travelling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts,
"Get the hell off our car!"
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts,
"Get the hell off our car!"
Appreciated
Appreciated
A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they
walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there
applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me
all the way up here."
Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming. They won't start
the movie unless we have ten paying people or more."
A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine. When they
walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of people there
applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it. People recognize me
all the way up here."
Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming. They won't start
the movie unless we have ten paying people or more."
Thursday, August 12, 2004
A Clean Pun
People don't really dream in color.
If they think they do, it just a pigment of their imagination.
If they think they do, it just a pigment of their imagination.
WISE PEOPLE CALM ANGER DOWN
WISE PEOPLE CALM ANGER DOWN
There are two things which happened this year which share much in common:
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank.
Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles.
They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
Years ago, Jim Croce, in his song, "You Don't Mess Around With Jim", used to sing about things that you don't dare do (pull the mask off the Lone Ranger or tug on Superman's cape, for example). He might have done well to add, "You don't flick your Bic inside a building with a gas leak"! In an explosive situation, the last thing you want to do is provide the spark.
We've all been around those kinds of situations (not literally, but figuratively) -- where someone was angry and it wouldn't take much to create an explosion. We have two choices in that setting, described by Solomon in this way:
"A gentle answer will calm a person's anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger."
How I admire those people I know (and my wife is one of them) who have a calming effect on those around them (including me), gently stifling the flames of anger before they burst in flames.
"Wise people calm anger down."
May God help us all to be wise. --Alan Smith, Thought for the Day
There are two things which happened this year which share much in common:
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank.
Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles.
They were launched several hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their respective seats.
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
Years ago, Jim Croce, in his song, "You Don't Mess Around With Jim", used to sing about things that you don't dare do (pull the mask off the Lone Ranger or tug on Superman's cape, for example). He might have done well to add, "You don't flick your Bic inside a building with a gas leak"! In an explosive situation, the last thing you want to do is provide the spark.
We've all been around those kinds of situations (not literally, but figuratively) -- where someone was angry and it wouldn't take much to create an explosion. We have two choices in that setting, described by Solomon in this way:
"A gentle answer will calm a person's anger, but an unkind answer will cause more anger."
How I admire those people I know (and my wife is one of them) who have a calming effect on those around them (including me), gently stifling the flames of anger before they burst in flames.
"Wise people calm anger down."
May God help us all to be wise. --Alan Smith, Thought for the Day
THE LITTLE THINGS
THE LITTLE THINGS
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
Seattle Idiot
Seattle Idiot
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man, curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man, curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Technology for Country Folk
Technology for Country Folk
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot
LOG OFF: Too much wood on fire
MONITOR: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove DOWN LOAD: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gitten home in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season
BYTE: Whut dem flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha do to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the truck keys
SOFTWARE: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
MOUSE: What kitty eats in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof
PORT: Fancy flatlander wine
ENTER: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"
CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun DOUBLE CLICK: When you cock the double barrel
REBOOT: Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse.
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot
LOG OFF: Too much wood on fire
MONITOR: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove DOWN LOAD: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood HARD DRIVE: Gitten home in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season
BYTE: Whut dem flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha do to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the truck keys
SOFTWARE: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
MOUSE: What kitty eats in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof
PORT: Fancy flatlander wine
ENTER: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"
CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun DOUBLE CLICK: When you cock the double barrel
REBOOT: Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse.
Quote
Quote
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her." -- Agatha Christie
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her." -- Agatha Christie
SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL HIT PARADE
SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL HIT PARADE
"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"
"The Staphs and Streps Forever"
"It's Spleen a Long, Long Time"
"It Had to Be Flu"
"On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma"
"MRI Blue?"
"I'll be Sewing You"
"Red Cells in the Sunset"
"My Melancolicky Baby"
"From Here to Maternity"
"Old Man's Liver"
"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace"
"The Girl From Emphysema"
"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"
"The Staphs and Streps Forever"
"It's Spleen a Long, Long Time"
"It Had to Be Flu"
"On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma"
"MRI Blue?"
"I'll be Sewing You"
"Red Cells in the Sunset"
"My Melancolicky Baby"
"From Here to Maternity"
"Old Man's Liver"
"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace"
"The Girl From Emphysema"
Experience vs Ability
Experience vs Ability
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
I Knew It...
I Knew It...
Three tortoises, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, go on a picnic. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the tortoises take 10 whole days to get there. When they arrive, Joe takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Raymond, gimme the bottle opener.' But Raymond doesn't have it, so the tortoises convince him to go back for it, swearing they won't touch the food.
Twenty days pass. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!'
he says. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out, so the two tortoises weakly get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. Right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it! I'm not going!'
Three tortoises, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, go on a picnic. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the tortoises take 10 whole days to get there. When they arrive, Joe takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Raymond, gimme the bottle opener.' But Raymond doesn't have it, so the tortoises convince him to go back for it, swearing they won't touch the food.
Twenty days pass. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!'
he says. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out, so the two tortoises weakly get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. Right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it! I'm not going!'
"My brother-in-law"
"My brother-in-law"
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," the patient replied.
"But she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied.
"They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile. "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," the patient replied.
"But she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied.
"They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile. "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
unfamiliar sayings (From Ron and Shirley Surber):
unfamiliar sayings (From Ron and Shirley Surber):
1. Birds of a feather flock together and mess on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
1. Birds of a feather flock together and mess on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
That Makes Me Feel Better.....
That Makes Me Feel Better.....
A father finds his four year old daughter outside brushing their dog's
teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are you doing with my toothbrush?"
The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry dad, I'll
rinse it out when I'm done just like I always do."
A father finds his four year old daughter outside brushing their dog's
teeth using his toothbrush. Dad asks, "What are you doing with my toothbrush?"
The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't worry dad, I'll
rinse it out when I'm done just like I always do."
Monday, August 09, 2004
Football Funnies
Football Funnies
1. What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs? -----Drool.
2. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? -----A full set of teeth.
3. How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm room? -----Grease her hips and push really hard.
4. How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
-----Pay him for the pizza.
5. Why do the Alabama cheerleaders wear bibs? -----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
6. Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
-----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
7. What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life? -----His freshman year.
8. How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? -----None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
9. Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
-----Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisemann Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash . . . )
10. Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? -----You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
1. What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs? -----Drool.
2. What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? -----A full set of teeth.
3. How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm room? -----Grease her hips and push really hard.
4. How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
-----Pay him for the pizza.
5. Why do the Alabama cheerleaders wear bibs? -----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
6. Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
-----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
7. What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life? -----His freshman year.
8. How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? -----None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
9. Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
-----Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisemann Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash . . . )
10. Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? -----You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
Killer Biscuits
Killer Biscuits
This was so funny I had to send it to you first thing!
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's not relevant.
This was so funny I had to send it to you first thing!
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's not relevant.
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