Smog Test

California smog test: Can UCLA?

Dreading Old Age

Dreading Old Age
I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV?
So last week, when the President suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.
I baked a batch of cookies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day.
When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.
"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."
"Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some cookies..."
"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"
I continued, "...and just thought we'd visit a while.
But that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady."
"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house?) that she had an appointment for a tint job."
So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital . .. working in the gift shop.
 
.... I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China.
I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; ......
he was on his honeymoon. .
.... I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don't think I'm up to it!
(Author Unknown)

Gotta Love 'em

Gotta Love 'em
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said: "Why don't you just put it in park?"

A Lawyer's Question

A Lawyer's Question
A lawyer's answer to the question: "How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb
Answer: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the stricture of the following
agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'Lawyer,' and the party of the second part, also known as 'Lightbulb,' do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not limited to, the following
steps:
(1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part
(Lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable.
(2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle),the party of the first part(Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Senior golfers

Senior golfers 
  
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for thesport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by, "one complained."These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The
sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,"said the third seniorAfter hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest ofthe four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of thegrass!"

"Dieters:

"Dieters:  people that are thick and tired of it."

Southern Style

Southern Style

Dear Consumers: It has come to our attention that a few copies of WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads:
WINDERS 98, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.
Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:

OK . . . . . . . . . ats aw-right
Cancel . . . . . . ..stopdat
Reset . . . . . . . try er agin
Yes . . . . . . . . .yep
No . .. . . . . . . . noop
Find . . . . . . . . hunt fer it
Go to. . . . . .. . ..over yonder
Back . . . . . . . .back yonder
Help . . . . . . . . hep me out here
Stop . . . . . . . . kwitit
Start . . . . . . . .crank er up
Settings . . . . . .settins
Programs . . . . .stuff at duz stuff
Documents . . . .stuff ah done did

Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
Tiperiter . . . . . . . . . .A word processing program Colerin book . . . . . . .a graphics program cyferin mersheen . . . Calculator outhouse paper . . . . ..notepad iner-net . . . . . . . . . . .Microsoft Explorer 4.0 pichers . . .. . . . . . . . . A graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates

Elisabeth Elliot:

Elisabeth Elliot: I think of that little girl, Fanny Crosby. Probably most of you know who Fanny Crosby was. She was a little girl back in the 1800s, who by a doctor's mistake, became blind when she was six weeks old. And when she was nine years old, she wrote this poem.

Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I cannot see. I am resolved that in this world contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and sigh because I'm blind, I cannot and I won't!

Nine years old! Imagine that! Well, I had a letter from a prisoner who was listening to my radio program when I read that letter, read Fanny Crosby's. And this is what he said.

"The Bible says that we are to choose an attitude."
He said, "Is that hypocritical? No," he said," I really believe that it is obedience to God."
And so he sort of paraphrased what Fanny Crosby had written. And he wrote:

Oh, what a happy soul am I, although I am not free.
I am resolved that in this cell contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy that other people don't.
To weep and cry because I'm chained, I cannot and I won't!

Now, you know, you can choose an attitude, a proper attitude. It's very easy to choose a bad one. Try choosing a good one.

One with a good point from a friend:

One with a good point from a friend:

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

Things Not To Do While Driving

Things Not To Do While Driving

As you are aware, New York has become the first state to ban the use of handheld cell phones while driving, citing "manipulative distraction" as the cause of many accidents. Here are some other offenses that will be hitting the books in a legislature near you:
DWYAK - Driving While Yelling At Kids (When screamed at top of lungs, this acronym is indistinguishable from the word "QUIET!" yelled at the same volume.) DWCRP - Driving While Changing Radio Presets (It doesn't matter if you were listening to WCRP.)

OAMVWEILB - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Engaging In Lewd Behavior (Pronounced "wham-vee-while-bee."
Extra points and fine if done while passing a busload of Senior Citizens on their way to the casino.)

DWLTRLFARW - Driving While Listening To Rush Limbaugh For Any Reason Whatsoever (Pronounced "dwil-little-far." The final W is silent.)

DWCDTCYJD - Driving While Chasing Down That Cigarette You Just Dropped

WOWOSOAMV - While Ogling Women On Sidewalk, Operating A Motor Vehicle (Pronounced "wow-ohs-WHAM-v," the series of sounds made during this infraction.)

DWPOMOS - Driving While Putting On Makeup Or Shaving

DWEKKD - Driving While Eating Krispy Kreme Donuts (Pronounced the same as the sound you will make after having eaten one too many.)

DWEDD - (Same as above, other brand. Pronounced, "Some people think they are better anyway, and the coffee is always fresh.")

DWFOTSOTU - Driving While Figuring Out The Secret Of The Universe (Pronounced to rhyme with, "I thought so,
too.")

CYDCLTGAITIDWPOR - Crossing Yellow Double Center Line To Get Around Idiot Turning Into Driveway Without Pulling Off Road (Pronounced the same way as the small Welsh town by the same name.)

DWDTB - Driving While Digging Through Briefcase

OAMVWWCFTNKA - Operating A Motor Vehicle While Writing Code For The Next Killer App (Pronounced
$*.*/?.submit)

DWMRWLTBROOWKRT - Driving While Moving Rhythmically When Listening To Bohemian Rhapsody Or Other Well Known Rock Tune

OAMVWDAOABMW - Operating A Midsized VW Dreaming About Owning Any BMW Unfortunately, no legislature currently has plans to ban the number one problem on the road: DWS  Driving While Stupid

More short ones

A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

*****

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

*****

After the Christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

*****

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.

*****

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

*****

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

After a church

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."

First Wedding

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Thought You Might Enjoy These

Thought You Might Enjoy These

The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"Was he successful?"

"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."

A few short ones

I promised my wife a mink for her birthday -- if she would promise to keep his cage clean.

***

If you take an Chinese person, close his eyes and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

***

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Today's Pun

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

An old pastor

An old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They could only come up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

A Butterfly

A Butterfly

A man found a cocoon for a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no farther. Then the man decided to help the butterfly.

He took a pair of scissors and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.
Something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the small opening of the cocoon are God`s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life.

If God allowed us to go throughall our life without any obstacles, that would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Not only that, we could never fly.

Here is today's PearlyGates item.

Here is today's PearlyGates item.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start."

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how on earth could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, whatever you get your mother for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.

The world's first fully computerized airliner

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned.
"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

Received from Jokes Warehouse.

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Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)