Here is today's PearlyGates item.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start."
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how on earth could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, whatever you get your mother for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
Monday, July 12, 2004
The world's first fully computerized airliner
The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned.
"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."
Received from Jokes Warehouse.
---
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned.
"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."
Received from Jokes Warehouse.
---
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Sunday, July 11, 2004
*Kid's View of Science*
*Kid's View of Science*
Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
- When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
- When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
- While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.
- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
- It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.
Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
- When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
- When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
- While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.
- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
- It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Old Lamp
Old Lamp
There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He
cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!
"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."
So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."
"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"
The guy thinks for a while. "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks,
power windows, you know the works."
"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"
"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."
"OK, suit yourself," says the genie.
So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends.
He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy
starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He
cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!
"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."
So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."
"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"
The guy thinks for a while. "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks,
power windows, you know the works."
"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"
"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."
"OK, suit yourself," says the genie.
So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends.
He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy
starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
One day an out of work mime
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to
draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the
cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can
sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger
crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire
of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to
his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the
top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to
the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime
a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day
when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime
is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime
is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the
lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
"Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says....
...."Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to
draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the
cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can
sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger
crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire
of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to
his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the
top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to
the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime
a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day
when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime
is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime
is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the
lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
"Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says....
...."Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
TWO LITTLE BEES
Two little bees sittin side by side,
One turned around to the other and cried, "You don't love me any more", said she, "You're actin' like a human, you crazy bee".
"You flit around from flower to flower,
Leaving me alone for hour after hour.
I'm beginning to think the flowers you see Most likely hold another honey bee."
"You never show me any more affection
So you must have another love connection.
Now, this I say, as a matter of fact,
If you don't watch out you're gonna get whacked."
"At the time we started our family
You said that I was you're honey bee
And from that time I've always been true; But can you say the same about you?"
"You must get back on the straight and narrow So I wont be burdened with so much sorrow.
If not, in the future some trouble is loomin', So, please settle down; don't act so human."
Then the other little bee got his turn to speak, "Listen to me, baby, though you think me weak, If you'll let me talk, I'll tell you the truth, Even though you believe me to be uncouth."
"Yeah, I've been gone for many an hour,
And, as you said from flower to flower.
Where else can I go to find some honey,
'Cause unlike a human, we can't live on money."
I'm workin' real hard for you and the kids; Ain't had no time to look for blondes or reds, So, keep your cool and don't get so ired, 'Cause when I come home, I'm just plain tired."
"You talk about me actin' crazy and human, I gotta catch the flowers while they're still bloomin'.
So, I ask you, now, is it me or you?
It's fusses like this I don't wanna go through."
"You tend the kids and I'll fetch the honey, Even though, of late, I'm feelin' kinda' funny.
I've worked myself to the nub of my wings To make a good life full of all the good things."
"Now, like you said, I've also been true; There ain't nobody else for me but you, So, have some patience, don't be suspicious, Right next to honey, I think you're delicious."
Now, the first little bee had a chance to reply, "I'm sorry, sweet baby, and that no lie.
I didn't realize how hard you've been workin', And how my mind, in suspicion's been lurkin'."
"If you'll forgive me, I'll try to be good And I'll do my job, like a good wife should.
I'll stop my fretin' and fussin' and fumin'--- I guess it was me that was actin' so human."
So I'll get back on the straight and narrow, Stop causin' myself such sadness and sorrow.
I'll try to act right, and, to always please, 'Cause, for sure we're not humans; we're only bees.
Two little bees sittin side by side,
One turned around to the other and cried, "You don't love me any more", said she, "You're actin' like a human, you crazy bee".
"You flit around from flower to flower,
Leaving me alone for hour after hour.
I'm beginning to think the flowers you see Most likely hold another honey bee."
"You never show me any more affection
So you must have another love connection.
Now, this I say, as a matter of fact,
If you don't watch out you're gonna get whacked."
"At the time we started our family
You said that I was you're honey bee
And from that time I've always been true; But can you say the same about you?"
"You must get back on the straight and narrow So I wont be burdened with so much sorrow.
If not, in the future some trouble is loomin', So, please settle down; don't act so human."
Then the other little bee got his turn to speak, "Listen to me, baby, though you think me weak, If you'll let me talk, I'll tell you the truth, Even though you believe me to be uncouth."
"Yeah, I've been gone for many an hour,
And, as you said from flower to flower.
Where else can I go to find some honey,
'Cause unlike a human, we can't live on money."
I'm workin' real hard for you and the kids; Ain't had no time to look for blondes or reds, So, keep your cool and don't get so ired, 'Cause when I come home, I'm just plain tired."
"You talk about me actin' crazy and human, I gotta catch the flowers while they're still bloomin'.
So, I ask you, now, is it me or you?
It's fusses like this I don't wanna go through."
"You tend the kids and I'll fetch the honey, Even though, of late, I'm feelin' kinda' funny.
I've worked myself to the nub of my wings To make a good life full of all the good things."
"Now, like you said, I've also been true; There ain't nobody else for me but you, So, have some patience, don't be suspicious, Right next to honey, I think you're delicious."
Now, the first little bee had a chance to reply, "I'm sorry, sweet baby, and that no lie.
I didn't realize how hard you've been workin', And how my mind, in suspicion's been lurkin'."
"If you'll forgive me, I'll try to be good And I'll do my job, like a good wife should.
I'll stop my fretin' and fussin' and fumin'--- I guess it was me that was actin' so human."
So I'll get back on the straight and narrow, Stop causin' myself such sadness and sorrow.
I'll try to act right, and, to always please, 'Cause, for sure we're not humans; we're only bees.
A TALE OF TWO COWS
A TALE OF TWO COWS
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man.
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man.
Friday, July 09, 2004
My Work Experience
My Work Experience
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ...
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so
they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly
because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my
life
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my
net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool Maintenance company, but
the
work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was Fired because I wasn't up
to
it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (workout center), but they said I
wasn't
fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was
shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
So I "RETIRED" and I found I am a perfect fit for this job!
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ...
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so
they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly
because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my
life
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my
net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool Maintenance company, but
the
work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was Fired because I wasn't up
to
it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (workout center), but they said I
wasn't
fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was
shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
So I "RETIRED" and I found I am a perfect fit for this job!
My three year old son
My three year old son
My three year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was
on him constantly. One day, we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in--between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my
seven month-old daughter; she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had
not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident," and I didn't
have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not
have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had, because the smell
was getting worse.
So.........I asked one more time.
"Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his
pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST GAS!!"
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was
mortified...but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when
they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.
My three year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was
on him constantly. One day, we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in--between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my
seven month-old daughter; she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had
not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident," and I didn't
have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not
have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had, because the smell
was getting worse.
So.........I asked one more time.
"Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his
pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST GAS!!"
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was
mortified...but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when
they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Simpler times
Simpler times
(Under 40, you won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good night, David; Good night, Chet."
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right Life was better in black and white!
(Under 40, you won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good night, David; Good night, Chet."
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right Life was better in black and white!
Older Than Dirt Quiz
Older Than Dirt Quiz
Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones you were told about! The Ratings are at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle 5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P. F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (ESsex 3 -
2654) My Folks actual Phone Number when I was a kid living in Bremerton.
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0- 05 = You're still young 6-10 =You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age,
16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends.
Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones you were told about! The Ratings are at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle 5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P. F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (ESsex 3 -
2654) My Folks actual Phone Number when I was a kid living in Bremerton.
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0- 05 = You're still young 6-10 =You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age,
16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends.
How Many Do You Remember??
How Many Do You Remember??
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor Ignition switches on the dashboard Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall Real ice boxes [Ask your Mom about that] Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor Ignition switches on the dashboard Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall Real ice boxes [Ask your Mom about that] Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
HEY, JUST HOW OLD ARE YOU?
HEY, JUST HOW OLD ARE YOU?
My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.
Man, I am old.
My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.
Man, I am old.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Men's Rules
Men's Rules
These are our rules! Please note ... each is numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all; comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
These are our rules! Please note ... each is numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all; comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Children And The Church
Children And The Church
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
After a church service on Sunday morning,
a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister When I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on
Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,than
to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a
church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me"
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the
car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,"That priest said he wanted us
brought up in a Christian home,and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to
represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary
Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said."But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
"I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A college drama group presented a play in which one character
would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into
hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would
open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part
became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the
stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became
hopelessly stuck.
No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at
First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety
seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be
quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and
whispered,
'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place
and will have to start his sermon all over again!'
It worked."
> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
This is the best one ...
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap
as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time
ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little
while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
After a church service on Sunday morning,
a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister When I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on
Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,than
to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a
church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me"
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the
car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,"That priest said he wanted us
brought up in a Christian home,and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to
represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary
Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said."But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
"I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A college drama group presented a play in which one character
would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into
hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would
open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part
became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the
stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became
hopelessly stuck.
No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at
First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety
seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be
quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and
whispered,
'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place
and will have to start his sermon all over again!'
It worked."
> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
This is the best one ...
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap
as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time
ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little
while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Insurance Claims...
Insurance Claims...
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
The Holy Alphabet. This is Beautiful
The Holy Alphabet. This is Beautiful
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
J oy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Y es, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
J oy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Y es, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
Manners
Manners
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men.
After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.
"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men.
After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.
"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
Monday, July 05, 2004
My forgetter's getting better
My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but,
to me, that is no joke.
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there."
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain;
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but,
to me, that is no joke.
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there."
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain;
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Misc. hUMOR
There was a lady who was visiting a church one Sunday.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the
congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very
sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting,
and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman yawned, "I'm glad it's done too!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to
empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked
the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY:
DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDERS!
To make it possible for everyone
to attend church this Sunday, we are
going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for
those who say, "Sunday is my only
day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with
lounge chairs for those who feel
that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those
with tired eyes from watching TV
late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those
who say, "The roof would cave in if
I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those
who think the church is too cold,
and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those
who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in
attendance for those who can't go
to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship"
buttons for those that feel the church is
always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and
grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the
congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very
sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting,
and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman yawned, "I'm glad it's done too!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to
empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked
the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY:
DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDERS!
To make it possible for everyone
to attend church this Sunday, we are
going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for
those who say, "Sunday is my only
day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with
lounge chairs for those who feel
that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those
with tired eyes from watching TV
late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those
who say, "The roof would cave in if
I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those
who think the church is too cold,
and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those
who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in
attendance for those who can't go
to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship"
buttons for those that feel the church is
always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and
grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)