Today's hUMOR

"Home Early"

Little Dewey burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?"

Dewey said, "They let me go early because I was the only one who could answer a tough question."

"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked.

"'Who threw the eraser at the teacher?'"

=======================

Rat Presentation

Rodents had overrun a posh private school near New York City. So the headmaster asked a health inspector to deliver a slide presentation to teachers and students, showing how to remedy the situation, i.e., stow trash, no food in class, etc.

The following day, a teacher had her very young children write a letter to the inspector, thanking him for the visit. One of the students wrote:

Dear Mr. Ark,
Thank you for coming to my school. Until I met you, I didn't know what a rat looked like." Sincerely, Bobby Jones

======================

"At my age, I can't see the forest OR the trees."

======================

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
~ Ashleigh Brilliant

======================

"Proof of Identity"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My friend Bev and her husband were reshingling their roof. As soon as they started, they realized they needed more supplies, so Bev grabbed the checkbook, jumped into her car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest lumberyard.

After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo ID," the clerk said.

"I don't have one on me," Bev replied.

The cashier called over the manager, who examined the check. Then the manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon lady in your town?"

Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson."

"Take her check," the smiling manager said to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother."

======================

 "If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them." -Isaac Asimov

***
"...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." -Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)


***
"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none." -Benjamin Franklin

Today's hUMOR

Electrical Officer

My daughter is in the Navy and is assigned as an electrical officer
on a carrier. Recently I asked her what her duties were. She
answered, "To fix electrical problems."

When I asked what was considered an electrical problem on a carrier,
she replied, "Anything you can't fix with a hammer."

////////////////////////////////
Cletus

Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has
a thermos.

He asks him what it does, and the co-worker responds, "It
keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Cletus is amazed, and when he gets home, he immediately goes
out and buys one. The next day he goes to work and is proud
that he has this wonderful object.

The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What
do you have in it?"

He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
 ////////////////////////////////
 

Checking Out

I was checking out at a busy supermarket and the cashier was
having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner
malfunctioned, and then the cashier spilled a handful of
coins.

When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to
soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean
pole yourself!"

////////////////////////////////
Toothpaste

Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions"
that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age,
people are asked questions that give a snapshot of their
personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the strangest thing
you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question: "What is the most common thing people say to
you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

Today's hUMOR

At the Doctor's Office

The doctor's office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving
at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly
stood up and started walking toward the dooe.

"Where are you going?" the receptionist called out.

"Well," he said, "I figured I'd go home and die a natural death."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her
father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger
and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me
show you what I mean." With that the father went to the
telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who
answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin.
Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial
them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a
bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with
something and we annoyed him. Now watch." The father dialed
the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the
father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called
this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here!
You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver
slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that
was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He
dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared,
"Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin.
Have there been any calls for me?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For anybody who lives in Illinois, the state lottery jackpot is now $24 million. It starts at $2 million, but it has been months since anybody has won, so it keeps rolling over.

It's odd. When the economy is bad and unemployment is up, the lottery always does well. I guess everybody who is staring at the business end of a foreclosure or who has been unemployed for 6 or 12 months starts to think that 1 in 10,000,000 are good odds. Suckers.

I should know. My numbers didn't win last weekend. Or the weekend before that. Or the weekend before that. Or the weekend before that...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with a lucky foot." --Jay Leno

***
"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving without me!" -David Letterman

***
"This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze." -Conan O'Brien

***
Walter arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.

"What are you laughing at?" asked Walter.

"There's a big black smudge on your face," said the girl.

"Oh, that!" said Walter. "That's easy to explain. I saw my wife off on a two-week vacation this morning; I took her to the station and kissed her good-bye."

"But what about the smudge?"

"As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine.".

Today's hUMOR

"Parking Space Sign Language"

After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Three Little Piggies

Three little piggies went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their orders for drinks.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a glass of Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and a little later, the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and awhile later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water!" exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'" replied the third little piggy.

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"I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV."
~@toddieC

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If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
~Yachtsman's Credo

+++++++++++++++++++++++ 

"On Company Time"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

+++++++++++++++++++++++  

"You Might Be An Engineer If…"

* You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

* You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

* You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

* It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

* You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

* You have a pet named after a scientist.

* You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

* You can translate English into Binary.

* You can't remember what's behind the door at the lab that says "Exit."

* You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

* You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy."

* When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.

* You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

* The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

* The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

* You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.

* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

* You've even calculated how much you make per second.

* Your favorite James Bond character is "Q".

* You understood more than five of these jokes.

+++++++++++++++++++++++ 

Ticket Explanation

Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper. Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket"

+++++++++++++++++++++++  

"I am not stupid - everyone else is just smarter than me."

+++++++++++++++++++++++  

"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."

+++++++++++++++++++++++  

"Wedding Toast to Groom"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My husband, Lawrence, had offered to give the toast at the wedding of his longtime friend Theo. They had shared many happy, and foolish incidents, and as the day approached, there was much speculation as to which events Lawrence was going to reveal.

At the reception when Lawrence rose to speak, the groom looked terrified. "I don't have to tell you anything embarrassing about Theo," Lawrence began, "because for the last three months, he's been so worried about what I might say that he's already confessed everything he could think of to his bride."

+++++++++++++++++++++++ 

Today's hUMOR

Checking Out

I was checking out at a busy supermarket and the cashier was
having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner
malfunctioned, and then the cashier spilled a handful of
coins.

When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to
soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean
pole yourself!"
________________
I just went shark-diving in the Bahamas. If you've never been to the Bahamas, imagine Fantasy Island but without the midget." -Craig Ferguson


***
"They say it now costs $250,000 to raise a child to age 18, and that doesn't count college, which is like $50,000 a year. So kids, if you want to give dad a great Father's Day gift, run away." -Jimmy Kimmel


***
"A new report found that 20 percent of people over 45 had to dip into their retirement savings last year. And the other 80 percent said, 'retirement savings?'" -Jimmy Fallon


***
A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem: It wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written.

"That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"
________________
At the Doctor's Office

The doctor's office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving
at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly
stood up and started walking toward the dooe.

"Where are you going?" the receptionist called out.

"Well," he said, "I figured I'd go home and die a natural death."

________________

________________

Today's hUMOR

"New Brain Study"

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that anyone with insufficient brain activity reads e-mail with one's hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

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Snow White Photos

Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. She took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.

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"I'm going to live forever, or die trying!" ~ Spider Robinson

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Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers.

One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine.

When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said, "Maybe next time you will do butter."

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers.

One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine.

When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said, "Maybe next time you will do butter."

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "The Rules of Bureaucracy"

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

(*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*) (*)

Today's hUMOR

Hard Times

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one
thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a
way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested
limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"You Know You're a Northerner When…"

~ you know the 4 seasons - winter, still winter, not winter and almost winter
~ you have more miles on your snow blower than your car
~ driving in winter is better, because all the potholes get filled with snow
~ you feel warm and toasty at minus 26
~ you find minus 40 a mite chilly
~ the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
~ somewhere in the area is a piece of frozen metal with bits of your tongue stuck to it
~ you thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary
~ men think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons
~ your dog wears boots too
~ the mayor greets you on the street by your first name
~ if you don't go out for lunch you miss the sunrise and sunset
~ there is a sign outside of McDonalds that says: "Park dogteams in back"
~ if the school district had snow days, no one would ever have to go to school
~ you live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Yacht Refinancing"

I went to my bank to refinance a loan on my yacht.

Making small talk with the loan officer, I told her that she was the main reason I came to that branch.

Not even looking up from her paperwork, the loan officer responded, "You don't fool me, sailor. I'll bet you have a woman in every bank."

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One Liner

"Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanQuote

"Earth's crammed with Heaven, and every common bush afire with God; but only he who sees takes off his shoes."
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

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Stage Mothers"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.

The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music’” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording.

“Madam,” he whispered is that your son?”

“No, she replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him..”

Today's hUMOR

Old Home

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two
elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was
concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they
could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband
confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero,
and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My
husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the
house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to
Florida for the winter."
************************

"Future Price of Roses"

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.

************************
"Urgent Code 33"

It was April 1st, and in a small midwestern town, two rookie policemen were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 AM.

Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio: "Code 33 in progress, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Well, there was only one bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. A code 33 was an "armed robbery" but it was also just 11:58 AM and the two rookies decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them just before lunch. So they continued enjoying their coffee break.

At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, "Repeat, Urgent, code 33 in progress, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Realizing it was past noon and the dispatcher sounded frantic, they rushed across the street -- but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.

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One Liner

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be. ~ Spike Donner from Ruminations

************************

CleanQuote

"Christ died for men precisely because men are not worth dying for; to make them worth it."
~ C. S. Lewis

************************

Child Leashes"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

While watching my grandson's baseball game, I saw a young mother with her toddler on one of those child leashes.

She was talking with another mom about an incident that happened earlier that morning.

Her little chihuahua was sick, and she had raised people's eyes as she walked into the vet's office with her dog in her arms and her child on a leash.

All I could think was, "What's wrong with this picture!"

Today's hUMOR

"Forced Landing"

A flight instructor was sent out to help a student who had radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge to his professional reputation.

With determination, full flaps and engine just above the stall, he landed in the field. Climbing out, he shouted angrily to the student, "Just how did you manage to get into such a small field?"

"I landed in the big field over there," the student explained, "but in order to leave room for you to land, I had the farmer tow me here."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

"I heard that the New Orleans football team has a new sponsor, "I Can't Believe it's not Butter." Their theme song will be, "When the Saints Go Margarine."
~Gary Hallock

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"It's no longer a question of staying healthy - it's a question of finding a sickness you like." ~Jackie Mason

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"Those are my principles, if you don't like them...... I have others."
~Groucho Marx

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"Horseshoe Impression"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The
blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@  

Missing Homework

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher decided to
investigate.

"What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well... yes, it is." replied Carol, reluctantly. "I was
stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do,"
said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold
the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder.
"You see, the plane was hijacked."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ 

A SENSITIVE WIFE

This gal is sitting at home alone when she hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. She asks if there is a problem. 

One of the deputies asks if she is married, and if so, can he see a picture of her husband. 

The gal says "sure" and shows him a picture of her husband.

 

The sheriff looks at the picture and says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your husband's been hit by a truck." 

The gal says, "I know, but he has a great personality and is an excellent dish washer

Today's hUMOR

The Stockbroker

The phone rang in the stockbroker's office.

"May I speak with Mr. Bradford?"

"I'm sorry. Mr. Bradford is on another line."

This is Mr. Ingram's office. We'd like to know if he's bullish or
bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife. Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
#########################
Bible Bafflement

My friend opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible
as the name. But he soon regretted his decision to order
office supplies over the phone.

When his stationery arrived, it bore the letterhead, "That
Nun Should Perish."

- from Tom Harrison (via Reader's Digest)
#########################
Buy a Bull

A brunette and her blonde sister had just inherited a ranch.
Deciding that they needed to buy a bull, the brunette told
her sister that she would go into town, find a bull she
liked, and if she bought it, send a telegram back telling
her sister to come pick up the bull. The blonde agreed, so
the brunette took $600 and went to town. There, she found a
bull she just loved and bought it for $599.

When she walked into the post office, the post man told her
that a telegram was a dollar per word. "But I only have one
dollar!" she exclaimed.

"Then you only get one word," he calmly replied.

After thinking long and hard, she finally decided on her
word: "Comfortable."

"Are you sure that's the word you want?" asked the postman,
puzzled.

"Yep. You don't know my sister. She's a blonde; she'll read
it really slowly and say COME-FOR-DA-BULL."
#########################
Does anybody know how to unglue a sock from the floor?

Last weekend I did a few little projects around the condo including gluing down a loose linoleum tile in the laundry room. Apparently I used a bit too much glue, because some of it squeezed out of the cracks after I had pressed the tile down.

What I did not count on is how long it takes the glue to dry, because the next night I was standing in the laundry room doing laundry, and when I tried to step away I found that my foot was glued to the floor.

And it was really stuck, too! I had to take my foot out of my sock. So now I have to figure out how to get the sock up without leaving a quarter-sized patch of white cotton in the middle of the floor.

Fortunately I was wearing socks or else I might still be standing there right now!
#########################
"A helping word to one in trouble is like a switch in a railroad track...an inch between wreck and smooth, rolling prosperity." -Henry Ward Beecher


***
"All animals, except man, know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it." -Samuel Butler


***
"All mankind is divided into three classes: those who are immovable, those who are movable; and those who move." -Benjamin Franklin


***
When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.

"That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong with me,'" he said. "And based on that, considering we've been married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for about $798,000."

Today's hUMOR

"Freedom Peppers"

A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" He pronounces it "jo-la-pen-o," not "ho-lo-peen-yo."

The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppers are called."

The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please."

The cashier responds, "That is as may be, sir, but those are green peppers."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Today's CleanPun

Why was the Tibetan rooster unusual?

Himalayan!

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Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.

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"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
~Lucille Ball

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"Animal Instincts"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

In the middle of one of Henry Ward Beecher's most potent political speeches, a member of the crowd gave a perfect imitation of a cock crowing. While the audience roared with laughter, the speaker gave no sign of annoyance, but he removed his watch and studied it while the noise died down.

"That's odd," Beecher said at last. "My watch says it's ten o'clock, but there can't be any mistake. It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park
bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every
sunny day for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each
other's friendship.

One day the younger of the two turned to the other and said,
"Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed
after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to
remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stared at her, looking very distressed,
said nothing for two full minutes, and finally said, "How
soon do you have to know?"

Today's hUMOR

Management vs. Solutions

After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of
completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the
building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!

If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash
through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and
submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.

In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office
about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable
option by returning your approval."

###############

THIS IS A 'KEEPER'  !!

- A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.  She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.   It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.  While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!   1. Don't change horses until they stop running.. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind  get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you..

###############

"Phonetic Hymn Title"

Many hymnals have a hymn called "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."

It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would come just before the sermon. He replied with the above-mentioned hymn.

The following Sunday the bulletin read:

Hymn No. 134: "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear."

###############
Mary Poppins Room Service

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.

"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional
-- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out, paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!''

###############

###

"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."
~ Mark Twain

############

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
~ Herbert Henry Asquith

###############

"Warning Signs"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."

Five miles farther on, there was another sign: "Ice 5 miles."

The next one was, "Ice 1/2 mile."

We practically crept that half-mile.

When we came to the last sign it was outside a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."

Today's hUMOR

"Cold Cream Questions"

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun - Today's Market Activity

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Dr Pepper fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." ~Henny Youngman

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible."
~ George Burns

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"Careless Words"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

While my son was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE WASHINGTON, the air wing was busy with training missions.

After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing,

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes."

Good morning crew,

Hot Dog, Memorial Day! Old Mason and I have plans to do a little grilling at his place, but the last weather report I saw was a little iffy. So right now I could either be outside in sunny, ninety degree weather with a beer in one hand while flipping chicken wings with the other...or I could be sitting in my apartment heating up a frozen pizza while the rain comes down in buckets.

But if you are outside today, grilling pounds of delicious cheeseburgers and mountains of sausages and drinking all of that ice cold beer, please take a minute to remember the men and women who died in the service. It's their day!

Laugh it up,
Good morning crew,

Hot Dog, Memorial Day! Old Mason and I have plans to do a little grilling at his place, but the last weather report I saw was a little iffy. So right now I could either be outside in sunny, ninety degree weather with a beer in one hand while flipping chicken wings with the other...or I could be sitting in my apartment heating up a frozen pizza while the rain comes down in buckets.

But if you are outside today, grilling pounds of delicious cheeseburgers and mountains of sausages and drinking all of that ice cold beer, please take a minute to remember the men and women who died in the service. It's their day!

Laugh it up,

Today's hUMOR

"Homework Excuses"

Excuses to give your teacher when you don't do your homework.

- I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in dwelling on the past.

- I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.

- A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it again.

- Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.

- Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from freezing.

- I'm not at liberty to say why.

- I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me.

- It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.

- I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.

- I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.

- My mom used it as a dryer sheet.

- My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized.

- It's against my religion to do any homework.

- I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their death rays.

- I felt it wasn't challenging enough.

- My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.

- We had homework?!

- I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah, blah, blah."

- I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.

- I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working teachers.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}
CleanPun

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle.

Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"

"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"

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One Liner

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." ~Ed Furgol

---

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CleanQuote

"I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

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"Coworker Support"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my dog, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few tense moments, a technician came to her co-worker's defense.

"Sir," she interjected, "are you aware of what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

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Management vs. Solutions

After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of
completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the
building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!

If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash
through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and
submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.

In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office
about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable
option by returning your approval."

Today's hUMOR

Once we finally got all of our gear for the SCUBA dive squared away we ventured out to a place called Blue Spring State Park just outside of Deland and Deltona.

When I asked my nephew Eric why we were diving in a spring an hour's drive away versus the ocean which is a five minute drive away, he said there was a lot more to see in the spring, it's fresh water, there are all sorts of rock formations to play around in not to mention a 160 foot cavern the spring gushes out of, plus it's virtually impossible to get lost in, unlike the North Atlantic Ocean.

So I didn't argue.

What I didn't know is that the parking lot for this spring is about a half mile from the actual river. Pfft! A mere 2,600 feet. However, in the 89 degree heat of the parking lot we had to put on a full wet suit (including boots) plus the 65 pounds of equipment, and then walk to the river.

I'm not embarrassed to admit I was hating life after about five minutes of walking. The girlfriend immediately abandoned me, walking about 20 yards ahead, leaving me to plod along behind.

But it was worth a little misery. The water is a chilly 73 degrees, gushing out of an aquifer about a hundred feet below the surface, and 73 degrees feels wonderful when your core body temperature is about a hundred and four.

The spring itself is pretty small, maybe half a acre, but it is the depth that is the real attraction. At the bottom of the pond is a crevice that goes down about 160 feet. While we were sitting in only a few feet of water at the edge of the pond the dive instructor was giving us some important last minute instructions.

"Remember not to go below 40 feet or you'll die," he said helpfully. "And once your down there remember not to swim straight back to the surface or you'll get an embolism and you'll die.

"If for any reason your air stops flowing find your dive buddy and use his alternate regulator, because if you swim straight to the surface you'll die. And make sure you equalize the pressure in your ears while you're going down, because if you don't your ear drums will explode and you'll die. Oh...and try not to bump your air tank into any rocks or it might explode and you'll die. Okay, everybody ready to have some fun? Let's go!"

By this time I was pretty much in a state or mortal terror.

The girlfriend, who apparently hadn't listened to a word of the safety lecture, swam straight to the cave and disappeared into the depths while I sat in five feet of water and hyper-ventilated into my regulator.

After five minutes I saw the dive instructor's head pop up and he swam over to give me the 'A-okay' sign, asking if I was alright. He managed to coax me into about ten feet of water where I sat testing and re-testing my regulator and buoyancy compensator, waiting for some malfunction to make my head explode.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Salesman Visit

One day a salesman stopped by the Jones farm, knocked, and Mrs. Jones
came to the door.

"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.

"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."

"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty
finding him?"

"Shouldn't have any problem ... He's the one with the beard and mustache."

Today's hUMOR

"The End is Near"

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They held up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

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Hellman's Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo

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One Liner

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." - Mark Twain

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CleanQuote

"An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason." - C. S. Lewis

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"Real Skill"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

There was a rich man who was deliberately hard on his farmhand. He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a bottle of wine."

The farmhand asked, "How can I buy you wine with no money at all?"

The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."

After a while the farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to the rich man and said, "Enjoy the wine, please."

Staring at the empty bottle, the rich man asked, "There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?"

The farmhand said, "Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@
23rd Psalm

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the
23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed
disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will
follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness
and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like
Shirley following me around all the time."

Today's hUMOR

"One Rifle Hunting"

If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober

Three goobers went away on a hunting trip.

Once they'd set up their camp site, they prepared to leave for the hunt. Unfortunately, they discovered they'd only brought one hunting rifle along with them. So they decided they'd each take turns hunting.

The first one headed out and, a few hours later, he returned. He came back with a raccoon.

The other goobers were amazed and asked how he got the raccoon. "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot raccoon." he said.

The second goober thought that this was going to be easy, so he headed out. After a short time, he came back with a bear. The other two goobers asked how he got the bear and he replied, "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot bear."

The third goober thought that this was so easy, even he could do it. He left ... and came back three days later, battered and bruised. He looked awful. The other goobers asked what had happened. He said, "Saw tracks, followed tracks ... got hit by train."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanPun - Patient Wake Up

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

One Liner

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe." ~Jimmy Durante

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

CleanQuote

"Ain't no horse can't be rode; ain't no cowboy can't be throwed."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

"Job Impressions"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

Today's hUMOR

"Speech Flirt"

During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches.

During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Excited, I wrote down my phone number.

Looking startled for a moment, he flipped the napkin over and drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.

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Plumber's Sign

Seen on a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed. - Don't sleep with a drip."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ 

One Liner

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." - Charlotte Whitton

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CleanQuote

"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." - Mark Twain

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"Frantic Writing"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.

He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite!"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ 

Intercom Repair

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school.

One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him
that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about
filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.

She asked, "Is that okay now?"

"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

Today's hUMOR

Baseball

I was pondering a baseball. I was wondering "Why is it
getting larger and larger?"

Then it hit me.
WWWWWWWWWWWWW
 Telemarketers

I used to hate it when telemarketers would call but nowadays I
welcome them with open arms. Their calls are opportunities for me to
turn the tables and inconvenience them instead of them
inconveniencing me. Perhaps they have now blacklisted me because I
don't get as many calls as I used to but when my caller ID box shows
"Private Caller" my adrenaline rushes and I am ready to play.

One of the new ploys that telemarketers are using is to call you
electronically. You pick up the phone to hear a recorded voice say,
"Please stay on the line for an important message." They actually
expect you to wait on hold while they take their sweet time before
getting around to selling you something.

The last time I got one of these calls, I put on some classical
music and waited for someone to greet me. As soon as I heard the
telemarketer say hello, I said in my best radio advertiser voice,
"Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Our next
available representative will be with you shortly." I let the music
play and would repeat those phrases at thirty second intervals.

Finally I turned off the music and said, "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Jane with Allied Travel. How are you today?"

"Well, my gouts been acting up, I've got terrible hemorrhoids, I've
got poison ivy on the bottom of my feet and I just ate a pizza so
the heartburn will be coming on soon."

"I'm sorry to hear that sir but I'm calling to tell you about some
of our exciting travel packages that ..."

I interrupted her, "You don't really care about how I'm doing, do
you?"

"Why, sure I do?"

"You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"

"Well sir, I can't do that right now. I have to call people and tell
them about our travel packages."

"You can use my phone. Come on over."

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Of course I like you sir."

"So why won't you come over?"

"Well, I'm working."

"I got some pork rinds and some Pepsi and I could fry up a little
fatback if you'd like."

"Boy, that sounds real tempting but I'll have to take a rain check
on that."

"Okay, how about tomorrow then?"

"I can't. I'm working."

"How about the day after tomorrow then?"

"Actually sir, I'm not supposed to get too personal with the people
I call."

"Why'd you ask me how I was doing then?"

"That's just a courtesy."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Yes sir. I like you just fine."

"So ... You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"

(click
WWWWWWWWWWWWW
Boy, Officer and Squirrel

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one
hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "whatever you do to
that poor, defenseless creature, I shall personally do to
you."

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss 'im and let 'im
go."

Today's hUMOR

"Ring Appraisal"

An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if
she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's magnifier, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

"Wow," said a tourist who had been watching from the next table.

"These Texas women are tough!"

+++++++++++++++++++++

Electrician's Truck

Seen on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

+++++++++++++++++++++ 

One Liner

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." ~Groucho Marx

+++++++++++++++++++++  

CleanQuote

"A member of my staff asked me when I was going to retire.

I said, 'When I can no longer hear the sound of laughter.'

He said, 'That never stopped you before.'"
~Bob Hope

+++++++++++++++++++++ 

"Preparing for Parenthood"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Brian and Cathleen took their newborn, Emily, to meet her cousins, Erin and Savannah, in Oklahoma. The cousins were delighted with her and watched everything the adults did with Emily including changing her diapers. The girls were sitting right beside Brian the first time he changed one of Emily's messy diapers.

When he opened her diaper he said, "Ew! She pooped!"

Erin looked at him and asked, "Didn't they tell you she would do that?"