Todays hUMOR

"Empty Nest Syndrome"

You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if.....

You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.

You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.

You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.

You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.

The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.

They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.

You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.

You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.

Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.

You still hide your best make-up.

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Careless Clifford

Clifford Clarke was a careless chap.

Every hostess hated him. They feared for their precious porcelain and good furniture whenever this emulator of a china shop bull appeared. His reputation spread and eventually he became a pariah. No one would ask him to a party for fear of damage.

Then one charitable, kindly woman felt sorry for him. "C. C. can't be all that bad," she said. "The poor soul deserves one more chance."

So she sent an invitation to the loutish fellow and to display her faith further, she put on her finest dress for the occasion.

Clifford arrived on the dot and for the first hour managed to avoid disaster. It was not until refreshments were served that the customary accident happened. He spilled his entire cup of black coffee over his hostess' evening dress which she had bought that summer in Paris for a lot of money.

Tearfully gazing at her ruined gown, flushed with anger, she turned on her clumsy guest and exclaimed: "Go, and never darken my Dior again!"

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One Liner

“Keyboard not detected - press F1 to continue.”

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CleanQuote

“You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
~Nora Ephron

Today's hUMOR

24 Hour Service

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched the small
Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which
read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for
my suit tomorrow."

"Won't be ready until Saturday," replied the proprietor.

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only
work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today,
eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

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VIP Impression

My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All
production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
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Angry Senator

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue,
explodes one day in mid session and begins to shout, "Half of this
Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his
statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a
long pause, the angry member accepted.

"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Now I will go on the record
and state that half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and
corrupt politicians!"

Today's hUMOR

"Thoughts on Golfing"

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you'll go out and for no reason at all you'll really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt," you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

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"Eating Out"

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

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Coupon Heaven

While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK, it's in coupon heaven now."

“Coupon heaven?" the checker said.

"Yes," the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die."

"Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

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One Liner

"The main problem with mental notes is the ink fades so fast."

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CleanQuote

“Aspire to inspire before you expire.”

Today's hUMOR

I'm Smart

My dad gave me one dollar bill
'Cause I'm his smartest son,
And I swapped it for two shiny quarters
'Cause two is more than one!

And then I took the quarters
And traded them to Lou
For three dimes--I guess he didn't know
That three is more than two!

Just then, along came old blind Bates
And just 'cause he can't see
He gave me four nickels for my three dimes,
And four is more than three!

And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs
Down at the seed-feed store,
And the fool gave me five pennies for them,
And five is more than four!

And I went and showed my dad,
And he got red in the cheeks
And closed his eyes and shook his head--
Too proud of me to speak!

Received from Timothy Anger.

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Old Mason and his wife are throwing a theme party this
Saturday night. That must be a consequence of being married.
Themes, not parties. Back in the day we never had themes. We
had lots of beer. Frequently a barbecue or maybe a turkey in
the oven. And occasionally vomiting. But never a theme.

But, I'm not prejudiced.

So the theme is The 1980s. I told the girlfriend about it
and she became all excited about putting an 80s-style outfit
together; speculating on where she can buy leg-warmers and
how much it would cost to "crimp" her hair.

"Do you have any 80s style clothes?" she asked me.

"All of my clothes are 80s style," I told her. "My fashion
sense hasn't changed much in 25 years."

Today's hUMOR

"Sugar Packets Announcement"

The Building Committee has been informed that opened sugar packets are being found in the nursery area.

We have had some serious problems with ants in the past and would like to avoid any recurrences if possible.

Coffee drinkers, please dispose of these packets properly.

If you are a coffee drinker but can't read yet, please have your parents explain this to you.

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CleanPun

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
~Mitch Hedberg

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One Liner

“If a line is the shortest distance between two points, why does waiting in line take so long?"

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CleanQuote

“The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.”
~Helen Hayes (at 73)

Today's hUMOR

Great News

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from
work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to
be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness. Kissing his
wife, he said, "Oh, darling, I'm the happiest man in the
world."

But then she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way because
tomorrow morning my mother is moving in with us."

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Potential Juror

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery
case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering
questions from both sides.

The prosecutor asked had I ever been mugged?
Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach.
"I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do
you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the
defense attorney quipped.

"No" I shot back. "You better watch your
acting."

I was excused from the case.

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Historic Recall

Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the
discovery of America by Columbus.

She concluded with, "And all this happened more than 500 years ago."

"Wow!" exclaimed one student, "What a great memory you have!"

Today's hUMOR

"Sightseeing at Alcatraz"

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a sightseeing boat to Alcatraz Prison. The children weren't good at waiting: they fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window.

"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

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CleanPun

"When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds."

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One Liner

“I hope I live to be as old as my jokes.”

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Today's hUMOR

Down South Bumper Stickers

- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.

- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

- I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

- So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

- I'm just driving this way to tork you off.

- Keep honking, I'm reloading.

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ID Required

My friend Bev and her husband were fixing their roof.
As soon as they started, they realized they needed more
supplies, so Bev grabbed the checkbook, jumped into her
car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest lumberyard.

After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the
cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo
ID." the clerk said.

"I don't have one on me," Bev replied.

The cashier called over the manager who examined the check.
Then the manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon
lady in your town?"

Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson."

"I think you can take her check," the smiling manager said
to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother."

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George Washington

Few people realize that George Washington was originally
from Texas -- West Texas, to be exact. The family had a lone
mesquite tree in their yard. One day George cut it down.
When his father came home, he saw the tree was cut down and
asked George if he had cut down the lone mesquite tree.
George said, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. I cut down the
mesquite tree."

Whereupon, his father called out to Mrs. Washington, "Get
packed, dear. We are moving to Virginia. George is never
going to make it in Texas if he can't tell a lie."

Today's hUMOR

"Largest Amphibious Assault"

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"

Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

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CleanPun

“If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?”

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One Liner

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.”

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Today's hUMOR

"Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce
traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption
laws?" -Jay Leno

                            ***

"The number of shark attacks around the world increased by
25 percent. With the economy like it is, more and more
sharks are turning to crime." -Jimmy Kimmel

                            ***

"The whole world has Justin Bieber fever. It's what happens
whenever a pop frenzy becomes a disease. There was also
Beatle Mania, the Miley Cyrus Virus, and the Hasselhoff
Cough." -Craig Ferguson
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Barbecue Forks

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights
flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where
we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They
glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.....

We were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

Today's hUMOR

"Signs You Need a New Pizza Place"

~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.

~ The delivery kid is packing.

~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.

~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.

~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"

~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.

~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.

~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hot-Line.

~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."

~ Their slogan is, "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."

~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.

~ Your order of bread sticks is simply the uneaten crust from old pizza slices.

~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.

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CleanPun

I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.

"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.

"Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."

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One Liner

A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.

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CleanQuote

“The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.”

Today's hUMOR

Illegal Hookup

In my work for a cable TV company, I frequently encounter
illegal hookups. One day I arrived at a repair job just
as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed
the way where the TV was located and then walked out to get
her groceries and the mail.

I noticed that there was a note on the TV:
"Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes.
Love, Steve."
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City Fisherman

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a
small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his
tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man
rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice
the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the
surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them
into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give
you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked,
"By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

Today's hUMOR

"Dog Barking Payback"

A wife and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the next door backyard barking for hours and hours.

The husband jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and goes downstairs.

The husband finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "Honey, the dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

The husband says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"

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"The Politician Dance"

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."

Today's hUMOR

2nd Grade Math

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was
learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a
group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured
were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The
correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things
contain too much cholesterol."


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"In the Fitting Room"

My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."

A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"

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Modern Banking

We are all used to the conveniences of a modern bank.

While there have been money lenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a relatively new phenomenon. Molan Cache is usually considered the man who developed modern banking as we know it today. He enlisted the aid of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor of King Charles II. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to finance this new experiment in banking.

So really, credit should go to a Czech king, a count and Cache.

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One Liner

“Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - today it's called golf.”

CleanQuote

"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."
~ Alfred Adler

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"Prison Sign Fail"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Seen on a sign outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York:

"The Dannemora fire department reminds you it's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan."

Todays hUMOR

"Insurance Check and Double Take"

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn.

“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”

“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

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“Should vegetarians attend meetings?”

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One Liner

“When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.”

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CleanQuote

“Success is a great deodorant.”
~Elizabeth Taylor

hUMOR For Today

The wife has been nagging me about a vacation this year.

"What are you talking about," I argued. "We just went skiing
in Colorado a few months ago!"

"Five of us crammed into an $80-a-night motel for four
nights so we can freeze our butts off eight hours a day on
some mountain is not my idea of an ideal vacation. Me and
the kids want to go someplace warm!"

"That's gratitude for you," I said.

"You want to see gratitude," she answered with that special
look in her eye, "get me to a warm, sunny beach for a week
and I'll show you gratitude."

So now I've been trying to figure out some room in the budget
for another trip this spring. If I get the wife relaxed enough
who knows? I might even get anal.

Fortunately for me the travel industry has been barking for
business because of the recession. So there are some incredible
deals out there right now.

I belong to the Dunhill Vacations Travel Deals newsletter and
they always have great deals on airfare, hotels and resort
packages. If you're in the same boat I am you should subscribe.
It's free and if you're lucky...you might even get some too.

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GPS

Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my
first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said
not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me
into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice
stated, "Lost satellite contact."

I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said,
"Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."

Todays hUMOR

"Address Change"

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

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CleanPun

“A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession.”

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One Liner

“Why do they have ear piercing while you wait; is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?”

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CleanQuote

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

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Illustration - "Behavior Modification Reinforcers"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”

Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”

“Lollipops,” was the reply

Today's hUMOR

Baggage Problem

The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly
overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that
he would have to check the over-sized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem!"

She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have
this problem either."
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Grandchildren?

I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday
announcement posted on the bulletin board:

"All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party.
All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from
Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."

How to Handle Telemarketers

How to Handle Telemarketers

(1) Three Little Words That Work! The three little words
are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off
(instead of hanging up immediately) would make each
telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler
room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's
"beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and
hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its
task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone
soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one
on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes
phone calls and records the time of day when a person
answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for
a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no
one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on
the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This
confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your
number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have
your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill,
return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending
companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for
everything from credit cards to second mortgages and similar
type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes,
right? It costs them more than the regular 44 cents postage
"IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage
was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is
according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of
some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little
postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American
Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get
anything else that day, then just send them their blank
application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name
isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to
just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 44 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a
lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need
to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get
lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it
twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are
saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits,
and that's why they need to increase postage costs again.
You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work. I have
been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail
anymore.

Ice Cream

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The
wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now."
Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his
wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said.

"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so I'll write it
down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the
gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and
eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down
because you forgot the toast."