Today's hUMOR

"Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce
traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption
laws?" -Jay Leno

                            ***

"The number of shark attacks around the world increased by
25 percent. With the economy like it is, more and more
sharks are turning to crime." -Jimmy Kimmel

                            ***

"The whole world has Justin Bieber fever. It's what happens
whenever a pop frenzy becomes a disease. There was also
Beatle Mania, the Miley Cyrus Virus, and the Hasselhoff
Cough." -Craig Ferguson
*********************
Barbecue Forks

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights
flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where
we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They
glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.....

We were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

Today's hUMOR

"Signs You Need a New Pizza Place"

~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.

~ The delivery kid is packing.

~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.

~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.

~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"

~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.

~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.

~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hot-Line.

~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."

~ Their slogan is, "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."

~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.

~ Your order of bread sticks is simply the uneaten crust from old pizza slices.

~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.

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CleanPun

I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.

"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.

"Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."

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One Liner

A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.

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CleanQuote

“The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.”

Today's hUMOR

Illegal Hookup

In my work for a cable TV company, I frequently encounter
illegal hookups. One day I arrived at a repair job just
as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed
the way where the TV was located and then walked out to get
her groceries and the mail.

I noticed that there was a note on the TV:
"Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes.
Love, Steve."
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City Fisherman

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a
small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his
tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man
rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice
the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the
surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them
into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give
you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked,
"By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

Today's hUMOR

"Dog Barking Payback"

A wife and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the next door backyard barking for hours and hours.

The husband jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and goes downstairs.

The husband finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "Honey, the dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

The husband says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"

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"The Politician Dance"

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."

Today's hUMOR

2nd Grade Math

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was
learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a
group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured
were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The
correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things
contain too much cholesterol."


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"In the Fitting Room"

My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."

A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"

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Modern Banking

We are all used to the conveniences of a modern bank.

While there have been money lenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a relatively new phenomenon. Molan Cache is usually considered the man who developed modern banking as we know it today. He enlisted the aid of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor of King Charles II. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to finance this new experiment in banking.

So really, credit should go to a Czech king, a count and Cache.

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One Liner

“Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - today it's called golf.”

CleanQuote

"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."
~ Alfred Adler

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"Prison Sign Fail"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Seen on a sign outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York:

"The Dannemora fire department reminds you it's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan."

Todays hUMOR

"Insurance Check and Double Take"

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn.

“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”

“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

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“Should vegetarians attend meetings?”

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One Liner

“When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.”

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CleanQuote

“Success is a great deodorant.”
~Elizabeth Taylor

hUMOR For Today

The wife has been nagging me about a vacation this year.

"What are you talking about," I argued. "We just went skiing
in Colorado a few months ago!"

"Five of us crammed into an $80-a-night motel for four
nights so we can freeze our butts off eight hours a day on
some mountain is not my idea of an ideal vacation. Me and
the kids want to go someplace warm!"

"That's gratitude for you," I said.

"You want to see gratitude," she answered with that special
look in her eye, "get me to a warm, sunny beach for a week
and I'll show you gratitude."

So now I've been trying to figure out some room in the budget
for another trip this spring. If I get the wife relaxed enough
who knows? I might even get anal.

Fortunately for me the travel industry has been barking for
business because of the recession. So there are some incredible
deals out there right now.

I belong to the Dunhill Vacations Travel Deals newsletter and
they always have great deals on airfare, hotels and resort
packages. If you're in the same boat I am you should subscribe.
It's free and if you're lucky...you might even get some too.

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GPS

Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my
first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said
not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me
into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice
stated, "Lost satellite contact."

I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said,
"Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."

Todays hUMOR

"Address Change"

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

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CleanPun

“A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession.”

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One Liner

“Why do they have ear piercing while you wait; is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?”

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CleanQuote

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

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Illustration - "Behavior Modification Reinforcers"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”

Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”

“Lollipops,” was the reply

Today's hUMOR

Baggage Problem

The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly
overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that
he would have to check the over-sized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem!"

She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have
this problem either."
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Grandchildren?

I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday
announcement posted on the bulletin board:

"All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party.
All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from
Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."

How to Handle Telemarketers

How to Handle Telemarketers

(1) Three Little Words That Work! The three little words
are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off
(instead of hanging up immediately) would make each
telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler
room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's
"beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and
hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its
task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone
soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one
on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes
phone calls and records the time of day when a person
answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for
a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no
one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on
the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This
confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your
number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have
your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill,
return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending
companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for
everything from credit cards to second mortgages and similar
type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes,
right? It costs them more than the regular 44 cents postage
"IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage
was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is
according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of
some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little
postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American
Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get
anything else that day, then just send them their blank
application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name
isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to
just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 44 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a
lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need
to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get
lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it
twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are
saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits,
and that's why they need to increase postage costs again.
You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work. I have
been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail
anymore.

Ice Cream

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The
wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now."
Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his
wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said.

"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so I'll write it
down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the
gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and
eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down
because you forgot the toast."

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Bloopers in the Media"

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

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CleanPun

“Forbidden fruits create many jams.”

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One Liner

“In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on and this person must be fired.”

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CleanQuote

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
~Joseph Heller

A Little hUMOR, Very Little

CleanPun

“Match makers like to strike up a light conversation.”

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"Cure For Lateness"

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

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CleanQuote

“Some traditions are really just chores given to you by dead people.”

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Illustration - "Aging Gracefully"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or politely I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset. She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to buzz off.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnston

"Haven't I seen your face before?

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking
down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave
your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
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Plane Reservations

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that
departs from an equally small airport.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not
surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage
and passengers."

Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

Enjoy

CleanPun

“People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that just makes me sick.” ~Paul Larson

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One Liner

“Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly ... on a broomstick; we're flexible like that.”

---

Today's CleanQuote

“You don't stop playing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop playing.”

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A married couple checked in at the Korean Air counter to pick up their tickets. As the smiling Korean woman processed their tickets, the wife asked, "Are these good seats?"

"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."

Today's Illustration - "Good Company"

"Jeep Stuck"

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Jeep Stuck"

During training exercises, the green lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road.

He encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

"Dangerous Criminal"

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Dangerous Criminal"

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

It’s winter in Minnesota

It’s winter in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow 

Seventy miles an hour 

At thirty-five below. 

Oh, how I  love Minnesota 
When the  snow's up to your butt
You take a  breath of winter
And your  nose gets frozen  shut. 

Yes, the weather here is wonderful 
So I guess I’ll hang around
I could never leave Minnesota

‘Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!

Fogo de Chao.

It was the girlfriend's birthday this weekend so I took her
downtown to a place called Fogo de Chao.

It is best described as a Brazilian steak house. At least,
that's how they describe themselves. What it is, basically,
is a giant all-you-can-wrestle-down-your-throat barbecue
with linen tablecloths.

They offer a variety of about twelve different types of
meat, all of which are speared on giant skewers and flame
roasted. But they don't bother taking the meat off of the
spits in order to serve it. The dining room is stalked by
a half dozen servers at a time, each one carrying a three-
foot long skewer loaded with meat which they bring right
up to your table and carve off generous sized samples for
you.

How it works is, each diner is equipped with a cardboard
disc, exactly like a drink coaster, which you keep on the
table in front of you. One side is red and the other side
is green. Red means 'stop,' and when that side is flipped
up the severs ignore you. When you are ready for meat you
flip the coaster to green.

Green sends the servers into swarm mode. Somehow they see
it from across the room and sprint over to your table
waving a three-foot skewer full of meat like maniacs and
try to carve half of it off onto your plate. You have to
practically beat them off with bread rolls.

The worst part is waiting for the guy with the type of meat
you want to try. I was desperate to try the spicy pork
sausages and the bacon-wrapped filet mignon, but I kept
being accosted by servers with everything but those two
selections.

A guy came by with about six pounds of top sirloin who didn't
seem to want to take no for an answer. He kept asking me,
"Are you sure? Just a little sample? Is very gooood!"

So I told him I would take just a bite-sized sample, where
upon he carved off about 12 ounces onto my plate.

I was trying to save my appetite for the sausages and the
bacon-wrapped filet mignon, but now I felt obligated to eat
the sirloin. Since I still wanted the sausages and the filet
I left the card on green and had to fend off a succession of
determined servers.

I turned away the pork loin guy (but only on his second lap),
the bottom sirloin guy, parmesan-encrusted pork guy, the
bacon-wrapped chicken breast guy and the top sirloin guy
again, who seemed to take personal offense that I hadn't
eaten the gargantuan portion he originally gave me in four
bites.

It was worth the wait, however, because when I finally got
them, both the filet and the sausage were extraordinary.

My date, however, was overly cautious with her coaster,
leaving it on red most of the meal. I guess she didn't want
to seem greedy. So I snuck as much from the mountain of food
on my plate to hers as I could manage. I felt obligated to
force her to try at least a bite full of everything on the
menu.

I don't have the space to go into the ridiculously huge salad
bar or the delicious appetizers or the million dollar a glass
wine, but suffice it to say most everything was excellent.

If you ever find yourself in downtown Chicago with a huge
appetite and plenty of money to spend I can recommend it.

Laugh it up,

Joe

hUMOR For Oct 31st

THIS IS THE LAST POST FROM MY hUMOR blogg.
I HOPE IT HAS BROUGHT A FEW LAUGHS YOUR WAY. - Have a good un,

"I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?'" --Bill Maher "Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out on the ice and skate around reporters' questions, so it should be interesting." --Jay Leno "Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict." --David Letterman "A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'" --Conan O'Brien "Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary." --Bill Maher "Before lawmakers in Alaska released their report on this troopergate scandal, Sarah Palin's campaign released the results of their own campaign clearing her of any wrongdoing. Thank God we cleared that up. Actually, I think it's legitimate, because apparently Palin can see the courthouse from her front porch, so obviously she's a lawyer." --Jay Leno "You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Mentalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey." --David Letterman "Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president." --Conan O'Brien

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Swallowing Quarters
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet.

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Catch a Thief
The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may indeed be true. But these days there's a 3rd thief involved pleading the case -- the lawyer.

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Math Prof
"That math prof's marriage is falling apart!" "No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!"

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Flee The City

A mother was reading a Bible story to her young daughter. She read "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt".
Her daughter asked "What happened to the flea?"

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"Computer One Liners - Part 2"
Computer One Liners - Part 2
ISDN: I Still Don't kNow
ISDN: Idiot Services you Don't Need
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
My computer NEVER cras@#%^TU*NO CARRIER
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce.
Network: anything reticulated or decussated at equal intervals, with interstices between the intersections.
Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor
Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K.
Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes wr[}-_+=~'{?>.(#$%{!`'?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

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Oneliner
"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."

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CleanPun - "Weddings"
"When you walk down the aisle don't look grim."Said the preacher. "We'll then sing a hymn.When I stand by the alterThe groom must not falter.""Ahh yes," said the bride, "Aisle, alter, hymn."- Gill Krebs

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Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally,
one of them jumped up and yelled at the other ,"What about
the powerful interest that controls you?"

And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of
this!"

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My friend read her son's horoscope and thought it quite
appropriate. "You've spent the last few weeks looking for
escape," it said. "But now it's time to get on with your
life."

She had just given birth to him that morning.

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Writing: For the Sell of It was the theme of our community
college's annual writers' conference. When I called a widely
published author and asked him to be our keynote speaker,
my request was met with a long silence. He finally said, "I
don't know what I would say to that audience."

"You're just being modest," I replied. "I'm sure you're ex-
tremely qualified to speak on that subject."

He suddenly broke into laughter. "I thought you said,
'Writing for the Celibate!'"

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The Extra OneThe place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent directly to the homes of the various VIP's.The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it."I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone.""Did you put the battery in the phone?""Not the extra one.""Sir, the phone only came with one battery."(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."

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”Clerk Silence”
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks,
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself:
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times:
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk,
"Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers. . .
"D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

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Car Problems

Jill's car was unreliable, and she called John for a ride
every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one
of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

"It's right here, with me."

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Monks
There was this guy who fell from an airplane and landed in a strange place. He was badly hurt and a couple of monks came and rescued him. And the Monks told the man to be careful because they were not going to save him again. The guy said okay then spent the night at the Monk's place. Later that night he heard an annoying loud banging and scratching sound that almost sounding like moaning. It was really loud. The next day he went back to the Monk's place and asked if they knew what the sound was. The Monk's Leader told the guy that he would have to be a monk to find out. The guy asked what it would take to be a monk. So the Monks told him that he would have to be there for eight years and pass a test. So this guy stayed for eight years and finally passed the text. The guy asked again what that noise was he heard for so many years ago. The Monks agreed to tell him and told him to follow them. The guy was really happy because he lost a lot of sleep over that sound. He could sleep for years thinking about that noise that sounding almost like a heart beating. The Monks walked up to some big, huge doors and the noise kept getting louder and louder. So, loud that the Monks and the Guy couldn't hear each other. Do you want to know what was behind the doors? I can't tell you! You're not a Monk!

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Now Boarding
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.'

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Ge Me Out of Here
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

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Signs you spend too much time with your e-mail
Your children are named Outlook, Thunderbird and dotcom. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment. You find yourself typing "com" after every period, when using a word processor. COM You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it.