hUMOR For Aug 10th

"A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop

on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual

store. Well of course! There's no naked women at the stores."

--Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends'

and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to

compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted

on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number

of computer stores to find a software program that would do

the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found

one where the clerk seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays

and anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business

and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly

Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.

The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk:

"Quick...get me a translator."

Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his

name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"

The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein

namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect

English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir

Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come

from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at

Oxford University."

The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr

is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt,

und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun

Oxford."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Boy bites dog

RIO DE JANEIRO (UPI) -- A young Brazilian boy being attacked by a pit bull bit the dog in self-defense, causing the canine to flee, the boy's grandmother said.

Eleven-year-old Gabriel da Silva was playing in his family's garden when the animal, a family pet, attacked him. However, da Silva fought back by biting the dog, O Globo reported.

The boy reportedly only suffered minor injuries, said police.

///

Woman has Mona Lisa mowed into her lawn

LONDON (UPI) -- A British art-lover said she hired a 3D art expert to create an all-grass reproduction of the Mona Lisa on her home's lawn.

Tania Ledger, 48, of London, called on expert Chris Naylor, who recreated the Mona Lisa for the film "The Da Vinci Code," to complete a similar work of lawn art, The Telegraph reported.

Naylor said he spent two days chopping and snipping away at Ledger's lawn with garden tools and a lawn mower to create the grass image of the Mona Lisa.

Ledger said she doesn't mind that the masterpiece will grow out over time.

"It's like a haircut -- if you don't like it you can grow it out and you can try out as many new looks as you like," she told the newspaper.

///

Woman has Mona Lisa mowed into her lawn

LONDON (UPI) -- A British art-lover said she hired a 3D art expert to create an all-grass reproduction of the Mona Lisa on her home's lawn.

Tania Ledger, 48, of London, called on expert Chris Naylor, who recreated the Mona Lisa for the film "The Da Vinci Code," to complete a similar work of lawn art, The Telegraph reported.

Naylor said he spent two days chopping and snipping away at Ledger's lawn with garden tools and a lawn mower to create the grass image of the Mona Lisa.

Ledger said she doesn't mind that the masterpiece will grow out over time.

"It's like a haircut -- if you don't like it you can grow it out and you can try out as many new looks as you like," she told the newspaper.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bug Spray

One day, finding a wasp had entered the house, a wife shouted to her
husband, "There's a wasp in here. Do we have any spray?"

He told her there was a can under the sink.

"Honey," she called. "This is ant and roach spray."

"Well," her husband replied, "don't show him the label."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Matt Damon announced that his wife is going to have a baby.

I thought Ben Affleck was looking a little bigger."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"Barack Obama is upset because the other day in Israel, some-

one revealed the contents of a private prayer Obama inserted

into Jerusalem's Western Wall. Experts say it's even worse

than the time The Washington Post printed President Bush's

letter to Santa." -Conan O'Brien

***

"A guy goes to Wendy's, orders the chili, and finds a dead

mouse. Wendy's said, 'Don't worry about it — it's a Disney

promotion.'" -David Letterman

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of

Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated

on my driver's license.

"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.

"No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.

"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor

says.

"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Drought Affects Churches

Severe drought affects churches in northern Alabama,

Tennessee, and northwest Georgia.

Did you know that because of the drought in these areas,

church budgets are greatly affected?

Baptist churches are having to sprinkle for baptisms, the

Methodists are using wet wipes for their baptisms, and the

Catholics are praying that God will turn the wine back into

water.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Airline Fixes

I have a friend who is a very nervous flyer. During a recent trip he took from California to Indiana, it didn't help that his connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems.

Then, after he was aloft, he noticed the cabin lights were flickering. Losing his peace of mind, he decided to mention this to a flight attendant.

"I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching my friend leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

What Really Matters

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.

"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Driving Instruction

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.

I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

hUMOR For Aug 9th

Wife Wanted

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

Next day he received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cow Joke

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.

Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.

The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.

It went in one ear and out the udder.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Thrill of the Chase

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bird Hunting

Two drunk men were out bird-hunting. Suddenly, one of them said, "Hey! I see two birds!"

"Well, shoot then,"said the other man.

"But which one do I shoot?"

"Hmm...take another drink,"the other man said, handing him the bottle.

"Hey! Now I see three!"exclaimed the man.

"Good. Shoot the one in the middle."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bovine Chat

Buttercup and Daisy were chatting as they chewed the cud.

- "Ere, have you heard about this mad-cow disease?"

- "Yes, sounds nasty."

- "I'm glad I'm a chicken."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York City lawmaker has completed a survey that shows a lack of upkeep at subway station restrooms in the city.

Assemblyman Dov Hikind of Brooklyn released a survey of 18 restrooms in three boroughs and found that 10 were closed and four had no toilet paper, the New York Post said Wednesday.

"Surveyors found nearly no restrooms accessible in the (subway) system," the report stated.

To add insult to injury, the survey team also walked in on two people engaging in sex in one of the men's rooms they were checking.

The Post said that the only two restrooms that were both open and fully stocked were for use by transit employees only and not available to straphangers in need.

The New York City Transit agency told the Post it had not seen Hikind's survey.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Rules of Driving

- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

- Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

- It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

- Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

- Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Top ten signs your co-worker is a hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez," 95 times during the movie, "The Net."

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, fool."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Truth In Politics

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.

Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. "Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

For Cat Lovers

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"The other week I went to see my doctor ... I was in the

waiting room, and I decided to pass the time finishing a

novel. But the other patients complained about the noise of

the typewriter." --Arthur Brown

***

"One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a

wooden stake." --Jack Handey

***

"I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in

the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was

'Woman'." --Steven Wright

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually

barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video

we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.

"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I

just have him watch this?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where

my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in

at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard

security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that

you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to

take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

hUMOR For Aug. 8th

"Don't worry, I can stay out late tonight," Joe told his

friend Bob. "My wife's gone for a two-week vacation in the

Caribbean."

"Jamaica?" Bob asked.

"No, it was her idea."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Math Symbols

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I

drew a greater-than ( > ) and a less-than sign ( < ) on the

chalkboard and asked, "Does anyone remember what these

mean?"

A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his

hand. "One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other

means rewind!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Buckets of Bits

100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Missing Boots

With tears in his eyes, a little boy told his teacher that he could not find his snow boots. The teacher took him by the hand and walked into the coat room.

"There's your boots!" she exclaimed, pointing at the only pair of boots that were there.

"But those are not MY boots!" the little boy wailed.

"Are you sure?" the teacher asked.

"I'm sure!" he sobbed. "Mine had SNOW on them!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

THE OLD PHONE

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was 'Information Please' and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, b ut there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. 'Information, please' I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

'Information.'

'I hurt my finger...' I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.

'Isn't your mother home?' came the question.

'Nobody's home but me,' I blubbered.

'Are you bleeding?' the voice asked.

'No,' I replied. 'I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.'

'Can you open the icebox?' she asked.

I said I could.

'Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,' said the voice.

After that, I called 'Information Please' for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day befo re, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, 'Information Please' and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, 'Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?'

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, ' Wayne , always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.'

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone and called, 'Information Please.'
<>'Information,' said in the now familiar voice.

'How do I spell fix?' I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest . When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston . I missed my friend very much. 'Information Please' belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle . I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, 'Information Please.'

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. 'Information.'

I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, 'Could you please tell me how to spell fix?'

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, 'I guess your finger must have healed by now.'

I laughed, 'So it's really you,' I said. 'I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during th at time?'

I wonder,' she said, 'if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.'

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

'Please do', she said. 'Just ask for Sally.'

Three months later I was back in Seattle . A different voice answered, 'Information.' I asked for Sally.

'Are you a friend?' she said.

'Yes, a very old friend,' I answered.

'I'm sorry to have to tell you this,' she said. 'Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.'

Before I could hang up she said, 'Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne ?'

'Yes.' I answered.

'Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called.

Let me read it to you.' The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Neve r underestimate the impression you may make on others.

Whose life have you touched today?

Why not pass this on? I just did....

Lifting you on eagle's wings. May you find the joy and peace you long for.

Life is a journey ... NOT a guided tour.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Strange Problem

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ultimate Question

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "IS THERE A GOD?"

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer. "There is now", read the printout.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Loud, Mad, or Sad

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

hUMOR For Aug. 7th

Buckets of Bits

100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Drugs Disillusion

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,”You’re cute.” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.”

She asked, “What happened to beautiful?”

The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

What is the Time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ways to Tell You're a New Father

1. Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
2. The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.
3. You are used to doing everything one-handed.
4. The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.
5. The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
6. Your idea of romance is hand-holding.
7. You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."
8. You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Tiny Lizard

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

"Tiny" replies the man.

"Why's that?" asks the bartender.

"Because he's my newt!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Salespeople

How do salespeople traditionally greet each other?

"Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Mistaken Identity

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Chicken Farmer

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.

A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens.

"I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer, "I think I'm planting them too deep."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Art vs Science

A scientist and a poet were traveling in the same

compartment on a train. They had never met before, so

naturally there wasn't much conversation between the two.

The poet was minding his own business, looking out the

window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist

was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know

so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist

was so bored that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to

play a game?" The poet, being content with what he was

doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window,

humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist,

who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a

game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you

give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't

answer it, I'll give YOU $5."

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided

against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very

bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.

The scientist, who by this time was going mad, tried a final

time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't

answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and

if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"

Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't

totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the

scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the

Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the

answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question.

He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the

scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and

promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought

about this for a few minutes and then asked, "All right,

what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on

four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face.

He thought about this for a long time, taking out his

notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up

on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia

Encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly

watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the

scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a

$50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to

the window.

"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me!

What's the answer?" The poet looked at the scientist and

calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter

O'Malley. There's nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's

the way it is - we go through life doing nothing for each

other." --Gene Autry

***

"Start by doing what's necessary, then do what's possible,

and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

-Francis of Assisi

***

"It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he'd

already been dead for a year." -Tom Lehrer

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A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for

speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol

on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle

on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why

do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's

done it again!"

hUMOR For Aug 6th

Cutting Class

A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind
telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I
really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like
because I'm y'know, like I don't like get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

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The Wedding Dress

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear

mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the

first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as

Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on

her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my

arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in

time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit

into that dress!"

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Incredibly Dumb

- AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

- Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

- An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

- A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

- A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

- Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

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Cat Rules

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. Anything which can be pried up isn't sufficiently nailed down.

- At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

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Math Problems

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

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Drugs or Booze

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

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"More bad news for air travelers. Earlier today, U.S. Air-

ways began charging passengers on its flights for water.

Even worse, the oxygen masks are now coin-operated."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL

CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm

not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz

***

"I fell in love once, and I thought she fell in love with me

too. Are you familiar with the situation? I sat with an en-

gagement ring, waiting for an answer. I was a single guy with

an engagement ring. It was like having a loaded gun laying

around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by ac-

cident." -Jake Johannsen

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Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding

an injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived

at the scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But

according to the local newspaper, the police report stated

that the dog was okay and "refused medical treatment."

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A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed,

great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly

of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks

into an upscale cocktail lounge.

To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking

lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,

orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So

tell me, do I come here often?"

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Earnest Prayer

A little boy had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Good!" said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said the little boy. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

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Exercise

"Don't swallow these pills," the doctor said, The doctor handed her
overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Instead, spill them on the
floor three times a day and pick them up one by one.

hUMOR For Aug 4th

Declaration Of Independence Reply

The Court of King George III
London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

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Driving Rules

- A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

- Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

- Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered 'going with the flow.'

- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

- Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

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Legal Quotes

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

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Cheeky monkey

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the monkey.

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Kids Are Funny

One Sunday we sat in the front pew of our church. Our

three-year-old son was playing with a stuffed animal and

accidentally dropped it on the floor. Just as he was about

to pick it up, the priest walked over and stood in front of

us. Our son looked up with a look of awe on his face and

whispered, "God?"

It was all the priest could do to continue with his sermon,

especially with us laughing so hard.

---

When my youngest son was three years old, one of his finches

died. It was winter so we couldn't bury the bird, so I

flushed it down the toilet. I didn't realize that he had

seen me do this until I heard him crying behind me. Trying

to make him feel better, I told him that his bird was with

God now.

He stopped crying, looked at me a bit bewildered, and asked,

"God is in the toilet?"

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"Shark Week begins this week on the Discovery Channel. We

have a family tradition at the Kimmels during Shark Week.

Every year, on the Sunday that Shark Week begins, I make

my kids get in the pool with a small shark, and the first

one who gets bit, doesn't have to do dishes for the rest

of the year." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may start allowing

wrestlers now to wear pants. Ah, great ­ there goes the sex

appeal." --Dave Letterman