hUMOR For June 10th

Duck Food

One day while I was working in my office, this duck just

comes waddlin' in. He looks around for a while and then

jumps onto my desk and asks me, "Hey, do you got any duck

food?"

I said, "No, now get outa here." So he jumps back onto the

floor and waddles out of my office.

The next day the same duck comes back, looks around, and

jumps on my desk. "Hey, do you have any duck food?" he asks

again.

"No, now get outa here or I'll nail your feet to the floor."

"Oh, okay," he says and waddles out.

But the next day the duck comes waddling in and jumps on my

desk and asks, "You got any nails?"

"No," I answered.

"Good! You got any duck food?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Man sells 'ghosts in a bottle'

ORLANDO, Fla. (UPI) -- The one thing you don't want to do when you buy a ghost in a bottle is open it, says a Florida man who makes the novelties with the help of "ghost catchers."

That would let the ghost back out, said John Deese, who vows that his team finds the ghosts in "haunted establishments, cars, hotels, maybe even graveyards." The St. Augustine, Fla., man told WKMG-TV of Orlando, Fla., they then stuff the captured spirits into bottles, which he sells on the Internet.

The first ghost was caught in a farmhouse in Decatur County, Ga., he said. Asked how a ghost is bottled, Deese told the station, "Well, if you went to KFC, you wouldn't ask for (their) secret recipe."

Prominently displayed on the bottles is the warning "open at your own risk."

///

Indy family stages toy car 'mini-500'

INDIANAPOLIS (UPI) -- It isn't the Indy 500, but the toy car race staged annually by a set of 11 Indianapolis brothers is an intensely competitive "mini-500," they say.

The Guynn brothers celebrate their semi-annual remote-control car rallies and races on a sophisticated backyard model racetrack complete with a computerized lap counter and stoplight alerts, the Indianapolis Star reported Sunday.

The Guynn brothers, who range in age from 40 to 60, were set to hold their 18th annual open-wheeler Monday -- a 500-lap event around the model track. The newspaper said the leader of the racing group is eldest brother Charlie Guynn, who tolerates little dissent and in the past has ejected his brothers from the race "for driving like Mr. Magoo."

The Catholic family even invites a priest from their church to give an invocation at the beginning of the race, the Star reported.

///

Snake-fearing firefighter called for boa

TORQUAY, England (UPI) -- A firefighter with a lifelong fear of snakes was called to a home in England to free a 6-foot boa constrictor trapped behind a radiator.

Owner Nicola Bewer of Torquay in Devon County said she called emergency services after the snake -- named Chaos -- became stuck, the BBC reported.

Snake-fearing Watch Commander Alan Gilson led the rescue effort, the British network said.

It took about 40 minutes to release Chaos unharmed.

"I do not like snakes, they are one of my childhood fears," Gilson said. "I did get my hands on the snake as I thought it was a good opportunity, but the experience has absolutely not cured my fear."

///

Mother of two wins hotdog-eating title

PITTSBURGH (UPI) -- A Maryland mother of two was recovering Sunday after eating 29 hotdogs in 10 minutes to win a Pittsburgh-area contest, a report says.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette identified the winner as Juliet Lee, 42, a Maryland native, as the winner of Saturday's Iron City hotdog-eating championship. Lee weighs only 105 pounds and defeated competitors who went by handles such as Steak-bellie and Wing Kong for the title, it said.

Lee may have been a ringer, however. The woman is a nationally ranked hotdog-eating competitor who is next moving on to Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest in Coney Island, N.Y., the newspaper said.

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360°

During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Blind Date

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Thousands gather to watch cheese-chasers

BROCKWORTH, England (UPI) -- Thousands of people showed up Monday to watch competitors participate in the yearly chasing of Double Gloucester cheese down Cooper's Hill in England.

Cheese-chasers from all around the world were drenched in rain and mud during the strange, and risky, event as they ran, tumbled and slid down a steep hill after an over-sized circle of cheese, the Sun reported.

At least 19 people were injured plunging down the dangerously steep slope, the BBC reported.

The event's managers had warned participants the giant circle of cheese would roll, regardless of the weather.

"I have done absolutely no preparation for this, which is worrying. It seems people taking part just dull their fear by having a few drinks beforehand," British comedian Rory McGrath, 52, said as he was getting ready to roll.

///

Bar game offers $3 lobsters

HILTON HEAD, S.C. (UPI) -- A company that manufactures machines that dispense real lobsters says five businesses in the Hilton Head, S.C., area have installed its products.

The Lobster Game machines, which debuted years ago in Florida and have recently begun spreading through the Carolinas, costs three dollars to play and awards live lobsters to those who can capture them with the machine's button-operated claw, the (Hilton Head) Island Packet reported Monday.

The company that manufactures the machines, Bluewater Vending, said the machines earn bar and restaurant owners an average $1,000 per day. It said bars and restaurants that contain the machines offer to cook the lobsters for the winners or allow them to take them home.

Bars said some customers $30 or more at a time trying to capture the lobsters.

Employees at Jock's Sports Grill in nearby Bluffton said they briefly operated one of the machines, but got rid of it after customers became too skilled and the machine began running out of lobsters too frequently.

///

Teen fined $100 for letting balloon go

NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE, England (UPI) -- A British woman said police were being "petty and vindictive" when they fined her teenage son about $100 for letting a balloon float away.

Max Twizell, 16, was ordered to fork over nearly $100 for littering after he let go of a balloon filled with helium at a charity gathering in Newcastle, England, the Daily Mail reported Sunday.

"Will the council fine every charity that holds a balloon race 50 pounds ($100) per balloon? How about toddlers in prams who accidentally release their helium balloon?" the boy's mother, Lorraine Twizell said.

Stephen Savage, director of regulatory services and public protection, told the newspaper authorities are required to bust those who litter.

"We believe pursuing action against offenses like this sends out an uncompromising message that litter dropping in the city will not be tolerated," he said

///

Grandmother busted for kitty posters

DENTON, England (UPI) -- A British woman said she escaped a conviction and fine after authorities warned her to remove posters that sought the owner of a lost cat.

Joy Tracey, a grandmother of three, said she was only trying to get the orange feline, named Copper, back his owners when she put 12 posters on lampposts surrounding her home in Denton, England, Sky News reported.

Tracey said she tried to locate the kitty's owners for two weeks after she found him in her yard, and was surprised when a law enforcement officer called her.

"He said whilst he sympathized, it was an offense, and told me to remove them all from the Denton area or face a hefty fine. The world is going potty with petty officialdom," Tracy said.

Amid a flurry of local media attention about the city's tough reaction to the posters, Tracy was able to return Copper to his rightful home.

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Quick Stop

A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes failed. They screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks. They all got out of the car.

The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."

The systems analyst said, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist look at it."

The programmer said, "Okay, but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again."

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Dumb Galoot

At one of the last all-girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.

"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you," she said. Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if the big, dumb galoot is in the restaurant ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Multiple Storms

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain.

"Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student.

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor." replied the student.

"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?"

The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms, sir."

hUMOR June 9th

Duck Food

One day while I was working in my office, this duck just

comes waddlin' in. He looks around for a while and then

jumps onto my desk and asks me, "Hey, do you got any duck

food?"

I said, "No, now get outa here." So he jumps back onto the

floor and waddles out of my office.

The next day the same duck comes back, looks around, and

jumps on my desk. "Hey, do you have any duck food?" he asks

again.

"No, now get outa here or I'll nail your feet to the floor."

"Oh, okay," he says and waddles out.

But the next day the duck comes waddling in and jumps on my

desk and asks, "You got any nails?"

"No," I answered.

"Good! You got any duck food?"

hUMOR For June 8th

Analytical Gunfighters

Two analytical chemists in the Wild West are on the town's main
street, ready to draw their weapons.

One says: "Don't MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% Lead, 1%
Antimony, 0.98% Cobalt, and 0.02% elements below their detection levels!"

The other one says: "HOLD on there, cowboy. Are those values CERTIFIED??"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Low Stock

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said, "Rain."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oysters

A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach.

"What did you eat for dinner last night?" asked the doctor.

"Oysters," she said.

"Fresh oysters?" asked the doctor.

"How should I know?" said the lady

"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"

"My Gosh," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Playing Golf

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they had passionate relations all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man prepared to leave, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been together all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying jerk! You've been playing golf!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

'Dumb criminal' posts evidence on YouTube

LEEDS, England (UPI) -- A British man has been deemed the city's "dumbest criminal" by authorities after he posted videos of himself engaging in anti-social actives on YouTube.

Leeds City Council called Andrew Kellett, 23, the city's "dumbest criminal" after he put at least 80 videos on the Internet video-sharing site of people, including himself, participating in unlawful activities, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

It is reported the incriminating videos include footage of people taking drugs, racing cars and taking off from a gas station with stolen fuel.

"Kellett must be in the running to be Leeds' dumbest criminal. He has handed us the evidence against him on a plate," said Les Carter, a member of Leeds City Council.

Kellett Tuesday was given an interim anti-social behavior order at Leeds Magistrates Court, forbidding him from posting further illegal behaviors on YouTube until his hearing next month.

///

Deer causes a ruckus in salon scuffle

QUAKERTOWN, Pa. (UPI) -- A Pennsylvania man says it was his only option to body check a deer when it busted through the door of a salon where his son was getting a haircut.

In an unexpected twist to a calm afternoon at Holiday Hair in Quakertown, Pa., a whitetail buck charged through a glass door and ran amok, the (Allentown, Pa.) Morning Call reported Wednesday.

''He was charging right at my son, so I decked him. The only thing I could do, I grabbed him by the neck and slammed him to the ground,'' Randy Goepfert, 36, said Tuesday.

It is reported Goepfert managed to contain the deer in a closed off room until authorities arrived and tranquilized it.

Authorities said they euthanized the animal because of injuries it sustained.

///

Museum covers up nude mummies

MANCHESTER, England (UPI) -- Officials at England's Manchester Museum say they decided to cover up mummies in a display after complaints from patrons that their nudity was insensitive.

Some patrons and historians say the museum's move is unnecessary and makes a joke of the mummy exhibit, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

"This is totally preposterous. Surely people realize that if they go to see Egyptian remains some of them may not be dressed in their best bib and tucker," museum patron Josh Lennon said.

Museum officials have defended their move and say it was prompted by public complaints.

"We get a regular stream of feedback from people saying it is insensitive to display unwrapped mummies. We are trying to follow government guidelines about how they should be displayed with respect and sensitivity," said Nick Merriman, director at the Manchester Museum.

///

Museum covers up nude mummies

MANCHESTER, England (UPI) -- Officials at England's Manchester Museum say they decided to cover up mummies in a display after complaints from patrons that their nudity was insensitive.

Some patrons and historians say the museum's move is unnecessary and makes a joke of the mummy exhibit, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

"This is totally preposterous. Surely people realize that if they go to see Egyptian remains some of them may not be dressed in their best bib and tucker," museum patron Josh Lennon said.

Museum officials have defended their move and say it was prompted by public complaints.

"We get a regular stream of feedback from people saying it is insensitive to display unwrapped mummies. We are trying to follow government guidelines about how they should be displayed with respect and sensitivity," said Nick Merriman, director at the Manchester Museum.

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I'll Check

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.

"Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll check."

Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has

endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us

to forgo their use." --Galileo Galilei

***

"There are two kinds of people who never amount to much:

those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can

do nothing else." --Cyrus Curtis

***

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you

should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid

with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is

absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."

--P. J. O'Rourke

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Early in the Civil War, when the Union armies were suffering

repeated defeats, Abraham Lincoln was discussing the war

situation with his cabinet.

"How many men do you estimate are in the Confederate army?"

a cabinet member asked.

"About a million and a half," said Lincoln.

"That many?" said another member. "I thought the number was

considerably less."

"So did I," said Lincoln, "but every time one of our generals

lose a battle, he insists that he was outnumbered three to

one - and we have about 500,000 men."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The local high school has a policy that the parents must call

the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice

deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.

So she waited until her parents had left for work and called

the school herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it

to school today because she is ill."

Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that.

I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

"This is my mother."

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Out of Gas

The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help.

Finally two men walked up to her. "I'm out of gas," she

purred. "Could you please push me to the gas station?"

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it

several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to

see that they had just passed a filling station.

"How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.

"I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have

full service."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Dodge City

A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.

"OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar "I,m gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City."

With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him. As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him.

"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge City?"

The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!"

hUMOR For June 7th

High School Metaphors

Some metaphors written by students in high school English class....

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag
filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left New York at 6:36 PM traveling west at 55 mph, the other
from Chicago at 4:19 PM traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but
a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Two Storks

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the heck out of college students!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Didn't Do It

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply.

She said, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Keeping Fit

Grandpa Melvin Cranston was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he happily cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

And, Grandpa Melvin continued, "Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Alimony

Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said. "And, I have decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Peanuts and Cigarettes

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that after shave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You jerk. Oh my gosh you stink. Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Jet Fuel

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you...err... broken wind yet?"

"No."

"Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fast Dads

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Smart In-Law

One day, while having a heated argument with each other, the angry wife said to her husband, "I should have taken my mother's advice and never should have married you! How she tried to stop me!"

The husband replied, "Well, I'll be! How I have misjudged that woman!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Rabbi Returns"

I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic circumstances."

The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

"Imagine,"she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Dark Parachute Jumps

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps

difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called

chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the

rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice

jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a

woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men

festooned in glowing chemlites.

"Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?"

In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Recent Quips From Late Night

"On Wednesday, John Edwards officially endorsed himself for vice president. ... It's believed that Edwards' endorsement of Senator Obama will help Obama nail down the critical handsome millionaire vote." --Amy Poehler

"The California Supreme Court has overturned the ban on gay marriage, paving the way for California's first legal gay marriages not involving Liza Minnelli. So that's pretty good. This is groundbreaking. You know what this means? Finally, taking loved ones for granted won't be just for straight people anymore." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Barack Obama gave a speech in South Dakota. At the end of the speech, the crowd gave him a standing ovation. Yeah, very cool. Obama got the standing ovation not for his speech, but for being the first black person in South Dakota." --Conan O'Brien

"To give you an idea of how low President Bush's approval rating is, during the flight of Air Force One to the Middle East, they made him sit in the bathroom the entire way. And while he was in Israel, President Bush launched a political attack on Barack Obama. I guess he attacked him over there, so he doesn't have to attack him over here." --Jay Leno

"A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court on Thursday overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state's mesh tuxedo industry." --Amy Poehler

"Speaking of presidents, Bill Clinton in the news. Bill Clinton is in a little trouble. He gave a speech at a high school in Kentucky. He was 90 minutes late. He showed up 90 minutes late. Yeah, Clinton told the students, 'I'd explain why I'm late, but you're not quite old enough yet.'" --Conan O'Brien

hUMOR For June 6th

Analytical Gunfighters

Two analytical chemists in the Wild West are on the town's main
street, ready to draw their weapons.

One says: "Don't MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% Lead, 1%
Antimony, 0.98% Cobalt, and 0.02% elements below their detection levels!"

The other one says: "HOLD on there, cowboy. Are those values CERTIFIED??"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Deep Voice”

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!

He looks around; nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after a bit, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN!

OK, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to break the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

Well, the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27!

The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: OOOPS!

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Weird News

Biffy seeks to replace toilet paper

BOULDER CITY, Nev. (UPI) -- A Nevada company has created the Biffy, a personal cleaning product aimed at decreasing toilet paper consumption.

Warren Smith, who invented the contraption and founded the American Biffy Co., said his product is designed to clean backsides more efficiently than toilet paper or standalone bidets.

"Using toilet paper to clean our bottoms is like trying to clean dishes with a paper towel," Smith said. "Our product provides a practical and more natural way to be clean, while reducing an average family's toilet paper consumption by up to 75 percent."

The Biffy mechanism hides under the toilet seat and sprays and antibacterial concoction from a nozzle that is placed to suit the user's preference.

"The water needed to operate a Biffy is nominal compared to the amount of toilet paper that is saved," Smith said. "When you look at the best option for the environment, there really is no comparison."

///

Art student creates simulated bedmate

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York art student's project allows viewers to get into bed with a simulated woman.

Drew Burrows told the New York Post that "In Bed" is a comment on loneliness. The project involved a mattress along with a computer and projector to provide the woman.

"It's really G-rated," Burrows said.

"It's based on the idea that you're coming home to an empty bed or coming home to someone sleeping in bed who is either excited or not so excited about joining you. It works on all those different levels. "The aim is to touch on those feelings of loneliness and intimacy."

Burrows is a graduate student at the Tisch School of the Arts at New York University. "In Bed" was on exhibit last week during the two-day Interactive Telecommunications Program Spring Show.

Natsuki Arai, a professional dancer and friend of the artist, was the model for the sleeping brunette.

///

Knife skills give man breath of fresh air

OMAHA (UPI) -- A knife to the throat was a good thing for an Omaha man who performed a tracheotomy on himself, a move his doctor says wasn't such a bad idea.

Steve Wilder, 55, performed the do-it-yourself operation after he awoke unable to breathe, ABC News reported Tuesday. Wilder, concerned about whether the rescue squad would reach him in time, raced to his kitchen, found a steak knife, then made a slit through his throat so air could pass through his windpipe unobstructed.

It's not like the 55-year-old truck driver hadn't done the procedure before. He did the same thing in 2006 when he thought he couldn't breathe.

"I did what I did the first time. I took a knife and opened it up," Wilder told ABC. "I did it to save my life."

The problem began after Wilder underwent radiation treatment for throat cancer four years ago.

His doctor, Paul Sherrerd, has placed a permanent tube in Wilder's throat to help him breathe when needed.

"As crazy as it sounds," Sherrerd said of Wilder's emergency operation, "it probably wasn't the craziest thing to do."

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A Simple Explanation of Baseball"

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.

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Oneliner

"If houseplants ever take over the world, I'm probably going to be sitting in shackles at their version of the Nuremberg trials."
- Tim H. Richweis

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CleanPun - "Pink Elephant"

A pink elephant is a beast of bourbon.

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Clearing Out

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock cricket game.

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Advice

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

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Sausages

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.

Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.

Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.

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Deadly Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in New York City.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes that there are germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." said the dietitian.

The man lowered his head and responded, "Wedding cake?"

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Passport Photo

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo.

As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to

the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told

her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this

one."

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"Obama is expected to clinch the majority of the delegates,

but there are delegates, superdelegates, pledged delegates,

Lemon-Pledge delegates and, of course, the farmer and the

delegates." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Starbucks announced they are going to do away with their

topless mermaid logo. For what they charge for a cup of

coffee it should be served by a topless mermaid." -Jay Leno

***

"The music producer Lou Perlman was sentenced today to 25

years in prison. That's outrageous! He's the guy who created

In Sync and the Backstreet Boys. I would have given him the

chair." -Craig Ferguson

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Walter arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted

with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.

"What are you laughing at?" asked Walter.

"There's a big black smudge on your face," said the girl.

"Oh, that!" said Walter. "That's easy to explain. I saw my

wife off on a month's vacation this morning; I took her to

the station and kissed her good-bye."

"But what about the smudge?"

"As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine."

hUMOR For J une

Weird News

'Ninja fighter' cop goes back to work

OVIEDO, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Oviedo, Fla., say they have returned a badge and firearm to an officer who lost them briefly for saying he was a "super-trained killer ninja fighter."

Officer Justin Varkony has gone back to his normal job after being on office duty while officials probed a comment on his MySpace social networking Internet page, WKMG-TV, Orlando, Fla., reported.

"Jason is a super-trained killer ninja fighter of the night who has not had a chance to use this special skill yet," the comment said.

Authorities said there was no validity to an accusation that Varkony went against police conduct rules.

///

Police: Men shot each other with Tasers

BOULDER, Colo. (UPI) -- Police in Boulder, Colo., say a security guard and a man upset by having his car booted shot each other simultaneously with stun guns during an argument.

Sgt. Pat Wyton said Casey Dane, a guard with a private firm called Colorado Security, and Harvey Epstein engaged in a heated argument behind Mamacitas restaurant, the Boulder Daily Camera reported.

Epstein, a bartender at Mamacitas, was upset that his car had been booted for parking illegally and retrieved a set of bolt cutters to attempt to free his vehicle, Wyton said. He said Dane ordered Epstein to put down the bolt cutters because he felt threatened and told him he would shoot him with his Taser weapon if he did not comply.

Wyton said the guard "decided to shoot the guy," not knowing that Epstein was wielding the same type of Taser.

"They shot each other," Wyton said. "It was just kind of a bone-head deal."

He said neither man required medical attention.

Epstein was arrested on suspicion of felony menacing and use of a stun gun, Wyton said. He was taken to the Boulder County Jail.

///

Police: Suspects had incriminating photos

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (UPI) -- Jacksonville, Fla., police said two men busted for pot possession incurred additional charges after they showed officers photos of graffiti they created.

A police report of the incident said Joshua Howard, 27, and Mark Dell, 30, had spray paint cans, a digital camera and some marijuana in their car when officers approached them outside of a vacant building May 10, The (Jacksonville) Times-Union reported.

The officers said the men told them they had intended to "tag" the vacant building with graffiti after smoking some marijuana, but the police showed up before they could accomplish either objective.

The men were each given notices to appear in court on loitering and marijuana possession charges. However, before sending the suspects on their way, Officer T.M. Helms said in the report, he asked to look at the pictures on the digital camera. He said the men admitted to creating numerous graffiti displays photographed with the camera, including one that cost a business owner $3,500 to clean up.

Howard and Dell were hit with additional charges of criminal mischief for the graffiti.

///

Teen allegedly set off alarm as prank

NASHVILLE (UPI) -- A Nashville high school graduate who allegedly was attempting a prank at her former school was foiled when she set off an alarm, police said.

Metro police Capt. David Imhof said the 17-year-old suspect was grabbed, but not bitten, by a police dog after officers arrived at Glencliff High School, The (Nashville) Tennessean reported.

Police allege the suspect intended to throw water balloons at arriving students and faculty from her perch on the roof of the school.

Imhof said the teen was taken to Nashville General Hospital as a precaution. She faces trespassing and curfew violation charges, he said.

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Nail Biting

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea

one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes

me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman

commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth!"

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Nuns and Hot Dogs

Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"

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VIPs

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I notice Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late.

Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.

Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said,

"Hi Chris, what's happening?"

To which I replied, "Buzz off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

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Experience

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

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Cow Milking

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.

The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

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"The most common error made in matters of appearance is the

belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the

true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places

on your body where this is a possibility, you're not attrac-

tive. You are leaking." -Fran Lebowitz

***

"If California can't solve the energy crisis, it will spread

to the rest of the nation, and the economy will collapse,

and we will become a primitive society where we all run

around naked with spears and refuse to attend meetings.

Wouldn't that be GREAT?" --Dave Barry

***

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and

it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until

they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner

with." -Anonymous woman

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The day I started my construction job, I was in the office

filling out an employee form when I came to the section that

asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____.

I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was

also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any

of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.'

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer

why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We were havin' a good time drinking,

when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, do

ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said,

'Sure, I'm game.'"

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I was testing the children

in my Sunday school class

to see if they understood the concept
of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car,

had a big garage sale

and gave all my money

to the church,
Would that get me into Heaven?'


'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day,

mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat and tidy,
would that get me into Heaven?'


Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun!

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals

and gave candy

to all the children,

and loved my husband,

would that get me into Heaven?'

I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.
'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A five-year-old boy shouted out,


'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'