hUMOR For May 7th

Weird News

Man spends 41 hours stuck in elevator

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man who spent 41 hours trapped in an elevator with no food or water last fall got a moment in the sun Monday, appearing on national television.

Nicholas White, 34, said he was on his way back to his office on the 39th floor of his building after a late-night cigarette break one Friday last October when the elevator stopped between floors and refused to budge, ABC's "Good Morning America" reported exclusively.

White said he screamed and rang the emergency bell, but no one heard him.

"After a certain amount of time I knew I was in big trouble," said White, who said he lost track of time without his cell phone.

"I had no idea if it was day or night," he said.

White said he urinated by prying the doors open and relieving himself down the elevator shaft.

It wasn't until 4 p.m. Sunday that a voice came over the intercom and asked if anyone was inside the elevator.

White, who received a settlement from the building, said that despite his ordeal, which was recorded by a surveillance video camera, he has not given up elevators.

"Living in Manhattan, I'd be seriously limiting my life if I didn't take elevators," he said.

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Police: Man tried to take M&M statue

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. (UPI) -- Police in Sheboygan, Wis., said a Pick N' Save grocery store employee rescued a peanut M&M statue from a would-be thief.

Investigators said the employee spotted a man walking out of the store with the 3-foot-tall, yellow M&M statue and followed the would-be candy-napper to his car, the Sheboygan Press reported Monday.

The employee confronted the man, who offered to pay $5 for the item -- which is worth closer to $50 -- and the suspect drove away after the employee grabbed the statue from his car.

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Man cites cop for parking

PORTLAND, Ore. (UPI) -- A Portland, Ore., man has issued a series of citizen-initiated parking charges against a police officer he claims illegally parked his patrol vehicle.

Eric Bryant, who recently passed the Oregon bar exam, said he confronted Officer Chad Stensgaard at a Chinese restaurant March 7 after he witnessed the officer parking next to a "No Parking" sign, the Portland Mercury reported.

Bryant claims Stensgaard admitted parking improperly, but asked, "If someone broke into your house, would you rather have the police be able to park in front of your house or have to park three blocks away and walk there?"

However, Bryant said the officer did nothing inside the restaurant other than apparently pick up some food he ordered.

"If he had acknowledged and corrected his error, we could have avoided his whole thing," said Bryant. "But instead, he kept watching basketball and told me he wasn't doing anything wrong."

Bryant initiated violation proceedings as a citizen against Stensgaard -- alleging illegal parking, illegal stopping, not obeying parking restrictions on state highways, and illegal operation of an emergency vehicle or ambulance. If the judge agrees with Bryant in court May 23, Stensgaard could face $540 in fines.

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The Frog and the Rat

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Okay, 100 grand for just the scatting rat." The drunk say, "Deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"

The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a ventriliquist"

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Heaven's Ugliest

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "Okay, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you end with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them."

She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

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Lost in the Middle of Nowhere

One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down. They got out and looked around at their surroundings.

Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."

The other two guys say, "Why?".

"So we can eat of course." says the first guy.

Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".

"Why" asked the other two.

"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".

Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.

"Whats that for?" asked the other two.

"In case we get hot we can roll down the window."

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Hemp Bags

Jerry, Perry, and Cletus escaped from jail. They were being chased by the police. They were running through the streets when they saw an old barn. So they ran in and found three hemp bags. They all jumped in.

The coppers walked in the barn and saw the three hemp bags. One copper goes to the other "Kick the hemp bags to make sure nothing's in them"

So the copper walks up to the heshin bag with Jerry and kicked it.

He said "Meow Meow" and the coppers thought it was a cat and walked to the next hemp bag.

The copper kicked the second heshin bag with Perry in it. He said "Woof Woof" so the coppers walked to the third hemp bag thinking a dog was in the second one.

The copper kicked the third heshin bag with Cletus in it. And he said "Potatoes".

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"One Room School"

The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse, which the buyer converted into a tavern.

One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his granddaughter. The old man pointed to the building and said, "That's where I used to go to school."

"Really?" asked the girl. "Who was the bartender then?"

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CleanQuote

"Old age comes at a very bad time"
- Author Unknown

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Illustration - "Revelation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.

Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"

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Young Patient

My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15
year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang and the boy's mother
reached over to pick it up.

After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside and
said, "Your father wants to know if you have any cute nurses."

The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm,
ready for insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous!"

hUMOR For May 6th

Commit the Husband

A woman went to her doctor and said, "I want to have my husband committed."

"Well, it's not that simple. You need proof that he's mentally incompetent."

"He goes ice fishing."

"Okay. Close enough for me."

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They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll

be darned if I am going to roll 12 shopping carts out of the

grocery store!

***

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent

Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing

on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a

weapon.

***

Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they

usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or

two.

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I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand

when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were.

"Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium,

ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked

ones," I answered.

"All right," he said, "crack me a dozen of the large ones."

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A group of junior-level executives were participating in

a management training program. The seminar leader pounded

home his point about the need to make decisions and take

action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log

and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would

you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five

because there is a difference between deciding to jump and

jumping."

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Weird News

Thief runs off with empty register

KISSIMMEE, Fla. (UPI) -- A thief was caught on surveillance video breaking into a Florida restaurant to steal an empty cash register, police said.

Kissimmee police said security footage shows a robber smashing the restaurant's window and going into the building, WKMG-TV in Orlando reported.

Police said the robber was a 175-pound Hispanic male about 5 feet, 9 inches in height. They said he had on white shoes and was dressed in a short-sleeve shirt and shorts.

The video reportedly was taken April 5 at the Azteca restaurant in Kissimmee.

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No more strain on grid from TV audience

LONDON (UPI) -- Engineers with the British National Grid have found a symptom of the fragmented TV audience -- the end of huge surges of electrical use after popular shows.

The 1990 World Cup semifinal between England and Germany set an all-time record of 2,800 megawatts as more than 1 million people turned on their electric kettles at the same time after the game, The Scotsman reports. The final episode of "The Thornbirds," a mini-series starring Richard Chamberlain that aired in Britain in 1984, is a close second at 2,600 megawatts.

But the latest incarnation of "Doctor Who," the science fiction series that has been running for decades, created only a 400-megawatt surge, roughly the equivalent of 160,000 electric kettles.

While sports events, especially late World Cup games with England playing, can still cause a surge, the 2,290-megawatt surge that followed the 2002 "who shot Phil Mitchell" episode of the popular prime-time soap opera "East Enders" appears likely to be the last caused by a dramatic TV episode.

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Cop rescues pet store owner from python

EUGENE, Ore. (UPI) -- An Oregon police officer and firefighters saved a pet store owner from a 12-foot Burmese python, using a screw driver to pry open the snake's jaws.

Sgt. Ryan Nelson told the Eugene (Ore.) Register-Guard his first thought when he reached the store Thursday was to cut off the python's head. But Teresa Rossiter, who owns Best Friends with her husband, begged him not to, even though the snake was biting her ring finger and coiled around her body.

While Rossiter lay on the floor, the snake slowly tightening its grip, Nelson put on gloves and tried getting the mouth open. A firefighter poured cold water on its head, which did not work either.

Finally, a firefighter used the screw driver while Nelson pulled Rossiter to safety. He then wrangled the angry snake into its cage.

Rossiter said she opened the cage to show off the python and forgot she had been handling mice.

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Rare Disease Diet

A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."

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A Real Person

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my
first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very
seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant
to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

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"In Texas, pranksters threw a snake into the drive through

window at a Taco Bell. Fortunately, the snake was immediately

killed by all the rats in the kitchen." -Conan O'Brien

***

"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past

eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford

university and living in their dorms, even though she was

not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight

months. Hey, that's nothing. I pretended to be a student

for four years!" -Jay Leno

***

"It's always the same with new inventions. I can remember

when calculators came out. We weren't allowed to use them

in school. The teachers would say, 'Calculators prevent

you from learning arithmetic.' I'd say, 'I'm going into

show business.' 'Well, you'll need arithmetic to count

your crushed dreams.'" -Craig Ferguson

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One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub,

only to find the place packed with young people. At 40,

we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit,

a tall, handsome man approached us.

"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I

thought.

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one

of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my

third grade teacher."

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Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the

Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only

supposed to be for kids."

Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a

rabbit and not a person."

[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]

Man: "What's wrong?"

Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being

wrong."

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Birth Facility

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new

birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room

had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight. "What do you

think?" she asked.

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first

place?"

hUMOR For May 5th

Police: Teens tried to steal gator

DAYTONA BEACH SHORES, Fla. (UPI) -- Five students have been arrested for allegedly trying to steal an alligator from a miniature golf course in Daytona Beach Shores, Fla., police said.

An officer said he spotted the suspects -- Embry-Riddle University students Jesse Ramos, 18;

George Grampp, 18; Craig Devries, 19; Eric Tatki, 19; and Thomas Shaughnessy, 19 -- climbing into the Congo River miniature golf course's alligator pool Thursday morning, WFTV, Orlando, Fla., reported.

The officer said the teenagers, who were allegedly using duct take and a palm frond to try to nab the gator, fled after he tried to make contact with them, but all five were captured by police.

The suspects were being held on $1,000 bond each.

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Santa Monica Pier Ferris wheel on eBay

SANTA MONICA, Calif. (UPI) -- The nine-story, 122,000-pound Ferris wheel at California's Santa Monica Pier is up for sale on eBay.

The wheel, which has been towering over the ocean at Pacific Park for 12 years, was put up for auction on eBay this week, KTLA-TV, Los Angeles reported.

A $1.5 million modern wheel is to take the place of the old "Pacific Wheel" next month.

The old wheel, with its 20 gondolas and 5,392 light bulbs, is in great shape, amusement park spokesman Cameron Andrews said.

The wheel will be auctioned on eBay for 10 days, at a minimum cost of $50,000.

The Special Olympics will receive half of the final sale price.

The top bidder will have to pay for shipping and handling and a $135,000 base to hold the wheel, KTLA-TV reported.

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Failure to Communicate

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

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CleanQuote

“Americans have the watches; Africans have the time.”

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Illustration - "Punishment"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at the same time.

"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained. "Why are you still doing your folks' yard?"

"Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to keep a straight face.

I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.

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More Good Advice - Military Style

- "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

- "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF

- "When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

- "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF

- "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan

- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor

- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

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Too Many Kids

One day, three men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor. After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About five minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right here Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

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Rabbit Save

One day a man was driving down the road in a hot red convertable. He was driving 15 mph when a rabbit hopped in front of his car. As the man swerved the rabbit swerved also and was run over. The man got out of the car and started crying, upset that he'd killed the rabbit.

Just then a woman drives up and asks him what's wrong, when he tells her she says, "Oh I can fix that." She goes to her car, pulls out a can and sprays the rabbit with it.

It instantly comes alive and hops off, but every five feet it turns back to wave, before finally dissappearing into the forrest.

The guy is amazed and says, "How did you do that?" The woman just tosses him the can and drives off. The can says "Hair Spray: Guarenteed to bring your hair back to life and create a permanent wave."

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Bumper Snickers

- Born Free. Taxed to Death

- Don't Steal. The Government hates Competition

- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

- A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain

- All men are Idiots, and I married their King

- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film facility

- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies

- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

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Health Benefits Of Being Overweight

A new report suggests that being overweight is not as

harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some

surprising benefits.

Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people

from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's

disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra

pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions

such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and

infections, states the report.

Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast,

kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra

fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse

baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.

In general, the report concludes, overweight people are

happier, more successful in business, smarter, and

friendlier.

The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's,

Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza,

Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.

hUMOR For May 4th

After spending a wonderful week together, my fiance' dropped

me off at the airport and returned to his base. I didn't

realize how much I'd miss him until I reached the plane and

bust into tears.

"What's the matter?" asked the 'unlucky' woman seated next

to me. Between sobs, I told her the sad story of my long

distance relationship.

"If you truly love him, it will work." she said. "I know,

my ex-husband was in the Army."

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A father is in church with three of his young children, in-

cluding his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the

children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing

the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl

was taken by this, observing that he was saying something

and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned

to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five

year old...

"Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

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Good Advice - Military Style

- "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."

- "Never trade luck for skill."

- The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh ****!"

- "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

- "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

- "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

- Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

- "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,

- "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

- Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

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Three Guys in Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

“So,” Peter asks the first guy, “how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

“None. I had a perfect marriage.”

“Great,” says Peter. “You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

“Only twice, I think,” says the second guy.

“Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

“12 times. Maybe 13,” says the third guy.

“Okay,” says Peter. “You get a rusty Ford.”

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard!”

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Comprehending the IT guy

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

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New Apartment

A property manager of an apartment complex was showing a

unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

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Weird News

Exploding toilet throws man

JOHNSON CITY, N.Y. (UPI) -- A Johnson City, N.Y., man said he was using a toilet at his son's home when water erupted from the commode and threw him against a wall.

Richard Szymanski, 61, said he noticed steam coming from the toilet following a flush and hot water sprang from the plumbing fixture before he could stand up, propelling him a few feet into the wall of the shower, the Binghamton (N.Y.) Press & Sun-Bulletin reported.

"It was kind of hot there for a minute," said Szymanski, who added he was dizzy but uninjured after the incident.

Johnson City Fire Department Capt. Rob Jacyna said the cause of the exploding toilet appeared to be a broken hot-water line.

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Police: Dealer reported pot theft

BOCA RATON, Fla. (UPI) -- An 18-year-old was arrested after calling police to report three men robbed him under the pretense of buying marijuana, Boca Raton, Fla., authorities said.

Scott Leshner, 18, was charged with possession of hallucinogenic mushrooms, a felony, and possession of marijuana, a misdemeanor, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported.

Leshner told police three men who told him they wanted to purchase marijuana entered his home and robbed him and three of his friends. He said the armed men forced him to open his safe, and then got away with $2,000, an Apple laptop and an unknown amount of marijuana.

Police said Leshner's friends were also robbed and one suffered minor injuries from pistol-whipping.

Leshner was released on his own recognizance.

hUMOR For May 3rd

Weird News

U.S. teen finds Argentine rodent

MILWAUKIE, Ore. (UPI) -- An Oregon high school student said he was a little confused when he stumbled across a "goofy" Argentine rodent on the way to class.

Nicco Phillips, 17, was on his way to meet his girlfriend before class at Milwaukie High School when he spotted the unusual Argentine animal, named a cavey, the (Portland) Oregonian reported Wednesday.

"At first I thought it was a baby deer. Then it sort of hopped away, like a rabbit. It looked so goofy," Phillips said of his unexpected Tuesday discovery.

Phillips and his girlfriend took the animal to Phillips' house after luring it into a cardboard box with an apple. The high school students said they let the cavey venture around the front yard on a leash.

"It's very cuddly with me. It's snuggles like a rabbit," Phillips said.

An owner has not been found, but Phillip's mother said her son would be glad to keep the curious cavey.

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Police: Ambulance thief caught after chase

LAFAYETTE, Colo. (UPI) -- Lafayette, Colo., police said they have arrested a suspect who led them on a high speed chase in an ambulance he allegedly stole from a hospital.

Police said Mickey Terry, 36, crashed the ambulance about 13 miles from the hospital, damaging another car and a traffic signal, and attempted to flee on foot before he was caught by officers near the wreckage, The Denver Post reported Wednesday.

"I have no idea what was going through his mind. There were reports of speeds of over 100 mph and him driving on the wrong side of the highway. There was some very reckless driving," said the Lafayette Police Department spokesman Sgt. Fred Palmer.

Terry has been charged with aggravated motor theft and other felony charges, police said.

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Judge: Feuding neighbors 'potty'

LONDON (UPI) -- A British judge allowed an appeal in a costly property suit between neighbors, but labeled the parties "potty" for continuing the dispute.

Lord Justice Ward of London's Appeal Court said Robert Beton had an "arguable" case that a Kingston County Court judge may have erred in siding with neighbor Colin Streets in Benton's suit, which claimed Streets had erected a fence that cut off two small triangles of his garden that totaled slightly less than one quarter of an acre, The Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

The county judge ruled the property belonged to Streets due to the legal principle of adverse possession because the fence had been up for several years before Beton issued a challenge.

However, Beton claimed he did not see the fence until 2005 because it had been blocked by rhododendron bushes that died that year.

Ward ruled to allow the appeal, but he chided the neighbors, both millionaires, for allowing the dispute -- which has cost the neighbors a total of $600,000 -- to continue.

"Just how much is this stupid piece of land worth? What you are arguing over is a few rhododendron bushes," he said. "If you live in St. Georges Hill, you've got money to throw away, presumably. But why throw it away like this? You're all potty."

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Nursing Home Jokes Taking Mother To Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let me fart."

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A Bit Pricey

At the end of a marathon shopping trip, I fumbled in my pocket for my credit card to pay for a lovely blouse.

"I'll have to resort to this—I'm out of cash," I told the distinguished gentleman who was waiting on me.

Noticing his surprised smile, I glanced down and realized that I had handed him the key card to my hotel room.

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"Epitath"

A doctor wrote about an epitaph he had seen in a local cemetery:

"In memory of my father: gone to join his appendix, his tonsils, his olfactory nerve, a kidney, an eardrum, and a leg prematurely removed by an intern who needed the experience."

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Oneliner

"What's the use of having ignorance if you can't show it?" - Lou Costello

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CleanPun - "Missionaries"

Missionaries do Emmanuel labor.

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”Lawn Burglars”

Brookpark, Ohio: Burglars recently broke in to an unoccupied house that was being renovated for sale. Among the items they stole were roofing shingles, a lawn mower, weed whackers, and lumber.

They broke into a storage area under the deck and also a shed in the back. Before leaving, though, they mowed the lawn of the residence.

Neighbors report seeing strange men walking around the home, but they never called the police because they figured the men were hired to do the lawn.

The owners are quoted as saying they will leave a pressure washer and painting equipment for the thieves next week as they did a better job than the lawn care company they had hired, and they were cheaper also.

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Absent-Minded Lawyers

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern
District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar
Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and
witnesses during trials.

The following true exchange says it all:

Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the
cause of death of the patient?"

Doctor: "That's correct."

Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?"

Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy."

Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?"

Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short
time later."

Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"

Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I
was not involved with the patient initially."

Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room."

Doctor: "That is what the records indicate."

Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced
him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?"

Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorrhaging in the chest area
and that was the cause of death."

Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to
examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?"

Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce
him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in
a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for
all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!"

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"Scientists believe that radiation from cell phones throws

off bees' navigation system. You know, just like it does to

drivers on the highway." -Jay Leno

***

"Edward Laurens, the father of the chaos theory, died today.

His services will be held someplace completely random."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"The president picked up the pope at the airport. How bored

is our president? He's not the president anymore. Now he's

like your college roommate, doing favors for pizza. Next

week I think he's helping Putin move." --Jon Stewart

hUMOR For May 2nd

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl

would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it

stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime.

By the time I was 14, I owned my own home." --Gene Perret

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Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he'd caught recently

after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you

took of that fish. You're lucky if it weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well...a fish can lose an awful lot of weight

during three hours of fighting."

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My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen

about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest

historical event that happened during your childhood?"

"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.

She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many corners, including Nancy Reagan, who called him an American hero, President Bush who described him as an advocate for liberty, and apes, who called him Public Enemy Number One." --Seth Meyers

"A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list." --Amy Poehler

"More bad news for the Detroit Tigers, they lost again last night. ... After winning the night before, they're now one and eight. Yeah. They won one, lost eight. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls that, first place." --Jay Leno

"According to his tax return last year, Vice President Cheney donated $166,000 to charity. ... Yeah, most of the money went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, Coal for Tots." --Conan O'Brien

"You know they had hearings this week, about Iraq, ... with General Petraeus, and John McCain had another senior moment, where he couldn't remember who the Sunnis are, the Shiites. I'm beginning to worry about this guy. They asked him afterwards if this would affect his presidential campaign, and he said, 'I'm running for President?'" --Bill Maher

"Hey, did you see that a fire burned down Hillary Clinton's campaign office in Terre Haute, Indiana? You know, I knew Hillary's campaign was facing financial trouble. When you're burning the building down for the insurance money, that's not a good sign. Hillary was very upset by the fire. Luckily, she says she was glad she was able to run into the burning building, save six children, then go back and rescue three puppies. So that worked out." --Jay Leno

"All three presidential candidates this week went on American Idol. Did they really think the same people who are interested in a superficial, poorly-run popularity contest are also interested in American Idol?" --Bill Maher

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Sacrcasm at Work

Dear Staff

It has been brought to the CEO's attention that some individuals throughout the organisation have been using sarcastic language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "Try Saying" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don't have a blankety-blank clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She's a power-crazed witch

3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the heck do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: Buzz off jerkface

5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well stand me on my head and call me a flower vase

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a darn.

7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my gosh-darned problem.

8. Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the heck?

9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No blankety-blank chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the heck didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He's got his head where the sun don't shine.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, jerk face.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs blankety-blank holidays anyway?

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The Engineer's Song

(Sung to the Tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
Unix that is ... hard drives ... workstations;

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,
Intel that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;

On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life

Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...

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More Common Tools Explained

To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of more common tools and their uses.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DARNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DARNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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Weird News

Students aim to set stuffed animal record

ANDOVER, Mass. (UPI) -- A Massachusetts elementary school is hoping to set a Guinness World Record after collecting at least 5,600 stuffed animals for charity, a newspaper reported.

Mounds of stuffed animals crowded the gymnasium of the Shawsheen School in Andover during a Monday assembly when students were informed of their accomplishment, The Boston Globe reported.

"The kids were honestly wild, they were just so excited," Principal Moira O'Brien said. "It was really nice, mostly to remember why they did it."

The school has held a stuffed animal charity collection the past 12 years, linking Phillips Academy and Andover High School tutors with Lawrence middle school students, the Globe reported.

Some of the plush animals will be awarded to Lawrence students and the remainder will go to kids in orphanages, medical centers and libraries in Belize.

The school reportedly has yet to hear if their Guinness World Record claim has been accepted.