hUMOR For April 10th

Why Women Are Crabby
“Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar...”

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, and had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.

Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once-flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we peed our pants every time we sneezed.

When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff-and-puff-and-beg-to-die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push” (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angel - only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

And you still wonder WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men? Men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake - being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks.

So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right.

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Redneck Men’s Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) Man - “Fat Penguin!”
Woman - “WHAT?”
Man - “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) I can't find my puppy - can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench - every time I think of you my nuts tighten up.

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Separation

A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two

women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats

together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man,

"Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman

from her mother, would you?"

The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry

ever since."

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Teacher's Pet

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

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Cletus

Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.

He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, 'It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold'

Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.

The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, 'What do you have in it?'

He says, 'Soup, and ice cream!'

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Flies

There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"

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Egg-Laying

Why does a chicken lay eggs?

Because if she dropped them, they'd break

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"Some public schools now will be serving sushi. Well, if

you love cafeteria meatloaf, you're going to really love

cafeteria sushi!" -Dave Letterman

***

"Scientists in China say they have found a dolphin they

previously thought was extinct. Scientists say the dolphin

is rare, beautiful, and delicious with hot mustard sauce."

--Conan O'Brien

***

"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing

a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth

control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The

good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."

--Jay Leno

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Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into

the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for

a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who

was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down.

Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I

explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as

the admitted class. "Why doesn't she try anther school for

a year and then transfer?" I suggested.

"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her

grades?"

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Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my

sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should

pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the

refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

hUMOR For April 9th

Turn Off the Lights

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would suddenly turn off. Each time the lights went out, the place would erupt into a loud cheer. However, when the patrons saw the nun walk in, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "Can you point me to the nearest the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "Okay, but I should warn you, there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

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The Tea Party

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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Men Are Good For Only One Thing

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my

mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that

men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to

parallel park?"

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Woman bites pit bull to protect Labrador

MINNEAPOLIS (UPI) -- A Minneapolis woman said she bit a pit bull on the nose to get the dog to release the grip it had on the throat of her Labrador retriever.

Amy Rice said she tried to pry the jaws of the female pit bull apart to free her dog, Ella, but she was forced to resort to more drastic measures when the large dog refused to relent, the Star-Tribune newspaper in Minneapolis reported.

"I ended up biting the pit bull on the nose," she said. "I didn't plan it, that's what happened. I broke the skin and had pit bull blood in my mouth. I knew what happened and I knew that it wasn't good."

Rice said Ella has been afraid to go for walks since the confrontation. She said the Labrador was given several staples and stitches to her head and suffers from a crushed ear canal as a result of the attack, the newspaper said.

The pit bull has been quarantined by Minneapolis Animal Control to determine whether the animal has rabies.

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Wild boar attacks German man

BERLIN (UPI) -- An elderly Berlin man said he was attacked by a wild boar that was apparently attempting to protect its piglets from his dog.

Nikolaus Basedow, 69, said he was taking his Doberman-German Shepherd mix, Tobi, for a walk Tuesday when he came across two wild boars, one of which was accompanied by young piglets, Der Spiegel reported.

"Tobi was surprised and barked," Basedow said. "Then it all happened very quickly."

He told Der Spiegel the dog's barking spooked the sows and the one walking with her offspring rushed to protect them by charging in the direction of the aggressive sound.

"The huge sow -- she was a real monster -- slammed into me, right in the middle of the pavement, and tore my calf open from bottom to top with its teeth," Basedow said.

He said the boar left an 8-inch gash in his leg, Der Spiegel reported. A neighbor administered first aid and Basedow was taken to a hospital for treatment.

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Missing turtle found at construction site

FORT WORTH, Texas (UPI) -- A turtle that was missing for at least six months from a Fort Worth, Texas, museum appeared this week on a construction site, a curator at the museum said.

The 15-pound, 5-year-old snapping turtle, Bob, was found in good health, despite his more slender physique, the Fort Worth (Texas) Star-Telegram reported.

Bob was noticed to be missing Sept. 15, when the Fort Worth Museum of Science and History evacuated a building for renovations, said Leishawn Spotted Bear, assistant museum curator of science.

Bob's old home, a pond outside the museum, has been torn down and the location for the new building has been completely unearthed two times, said Steve Anderson, director of public affairs for the museum.

"He has somehow managed to survive under the earth. We don't know why he emerged today, perhaps because of the recent rain," Anderson told the newspaper.

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Miscommunication

"Information. Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."

"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

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"Analytical Gunfighters"

Two analytical chemists in the Wild West are on the town's main street, ready to draw their weapons.

One says: "Don't MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% Lead, 1% Antimony, 0.98% Cobalt, and 0.02% elements below their detection levels!"

The other one says: "HOLD on there, cowboy. Are those values CERTIFIED??"

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Today's CleanQuote

"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean- then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right next to the rest of the poisons."
- Mike Bullard

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Illustration - "Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Dated"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Dated

~ Never date anyone who is rude to the waiter/waitress.

~ Never date anyone who is rude to their mother.

~ If they have a tendency to be rude to you now, just wait.

~ If you date someone who doesn't share your standards, they'll lower yours.

~ The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

~ If he/she says you're too good for him/her, believe it.

~ If they have a tough time apologizing now, just wait.

~ Never date anyone who spends more time gazing into the mirror, than they spend gazing into your eyes.

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Blonde Jan T.’s Phone

Because blonde Jan had a habit of losing her cordless phone, Bob bought
her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her
belt. A few days later, Bob walked in and found blonde Jan
standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That
didn't strike Bob as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her
pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.

"Don't look at me that way," blonde Jan yelled. "The phone started ringing
and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"

hUMOR For April 8th

”Quality of Life”

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

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How it all began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

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Navigation Joke

"Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"

"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.

"Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.

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Niece and Nephew

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”

She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

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Moving

I saw a garbage truck driving yesterday. You never told me you were moving.

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"Overdue Rent"
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat.

He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about least of all was his rent.

As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.

"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the verge of making some sales."

"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."

"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some day this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"

"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say it tomorrow morning."

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CleanQuote

"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive."
- C.S. Lewis

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Illustration - "Childhood"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's
measurements: 36-22-36.

"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"

Rory got to spend the night.

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Who's the Strongest

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. “I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said “All right. Get in.”

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Deer Crossing

Ok, so I live in this semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no loger wanted them to cross there.

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Mind of a six-year-old

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

Vernie raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy moley! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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Stupid

One day theres a couple of kids in a psychology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class “stand up if u think you’re stupid!” after about 5 minutes Little Johnny stood up and the teacher says “do you think you’re stupid Johnny?”

To which Little Johnny replies “No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!”

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"Kitten Revival"

A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work.

A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said, "Johnny, stop that! You'll drown those kittens."

Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice: "They should had thought of that before they joined my church."

hUMOR For April 7th

Sensitive Men

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

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Politically Speaking

"My uncle ran for Senate last year."

"Really? What does he do now?"

"Nothing. He got elected."

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Good Investment

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

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"Hillary Clinton is coming under fire for claiming she was

under fire while she was in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing

her Kevlar pantsuit at the time." -Jay Leno

***

"Ringling Bros. Circus is in Madison Square Garden, but I

don't think I'm going to the circus this year; if I want

to see clowns at Madison Square Garden, I'll go to a Knicks

game." -David Letterman

***

"Some kids found what might be D.B. Cooper's parachute. He's

wanted by the FBI for stealing $200,000. MC Hammer called

the kids; he said he wants his pants back." -Craig Ferguson

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Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of

Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know,

the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first

man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on

the moon was from Ohio."

"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio,"

he observed.

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I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder

with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal

experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates

my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm

tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered

to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."

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The Perfect Man
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman...

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star - and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow.”

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Air-To-Ground Speeding Ticket
Latest California radar detection system...

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar, California. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset, and then it turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:


Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.

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Something Sounds Fishy
“Not tonight Dear – I’ve got a haddock...”

It was February the 29th, being a leap year. I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My barracuda was in the shop so I was in a rented stingray and it was overheating, so I pulled into a shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, “Fix the darn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal.”

While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive, but I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said, “Hi, Gill!” (you have to yell, he's hard of herring.) Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water.

I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me the usual, rusty snails, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the Mako. I slipped him a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids, just for the halibut.

Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole! Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, 'Salmon Chanted Evening', and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player.

One of them was this cute little yellow tail, and she was giving me the eye, so I figured this was my chance for a little fun, you know, a piece of pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom, she was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure.

Boy could she drink, she drank like a... She drank a lot! I said, “What's your sign?” She said, “Aquarium.” I said, “Great, let’s get tanked!” I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, “Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows.” She threw me that same old line, “Not tonight, I got a haddock.” And she wasn't kidding either cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I've ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with muscle.

He came over to me and said, “Listen, shrimp, don't you come crawling around here.” What a crab! This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, “Aaa bologna. You're just being shellfish.” Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill because he was already on the phone to the cods.

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel, kelpless. I said, “Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon.”

Well, the yellow tail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and she said, “Hey big boy, you're really a game fish, what's your name?” I said, “Marlin.” Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders, and then I went home with her. Why knot? She was a-lure-ing. But what did I get for my troubles? A case of the clams.

hUMOR For April 6th

You know you are or were a Floridian if....

1.. Socks are only for bowling.

2..You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

3..A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

4..Your winter coat is made of denim.

5..You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

6..You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.

6..Anything under 70 is chilly.

7.You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.

8..You could swim before you could read.

9..You have to drive north to get to The South.

10..You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.

11..Every other house in your neighborhood had blue roofs in 2004-2005.

12..You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it got dark

13..You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.

14..You dread love bug season.

15..You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...but Charley , Frances , Ivan and Jeanne.

16..You know what a snowbird is and when they'll leave.

17..You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.

18..You were twelve before you ever saw snow, or you still haven't.

19..'Down South' means Key West

20..You think New York drivers licenses should only be valid in New York .

21..Flip-flops are everyday wear.

22..Shoes are for business meetings and church,

23..but you HAVE worn flip flops to church before.

24..Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

25..An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

26..You smirk when a game show's 'Grand Prize' is a trip or cruise to Florida

27..You measure distance in minutes.

28..You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

29..You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

30..A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

32. .You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.

33..You know the four seasons really are: hurricane season, love bug season, tourist season and summer

34..It's not soda, cola, or pop. it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor, 'What kinda coke you want?'

35..Anything under 95 is just warm.

36..You've hosted a hurricane party.

37..You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides. ( Space Mountain during the Electric Light Parade!)

38..You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches and fire ants.

39..You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Itchnetucknee, Wewahitchka and Withlacoochee

40..You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

41..Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, NASCAR, Go Gators, and a confederate flag.

42..You were 5 before you realized they made houses without pools.

43..You were 25 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

44..You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.

45..You recognize Miami-Dade as ' Northern Cuba ' and Orlando as Eastern San Juan.

46..You not only forward this but you understand it!!

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Admit Nothing

A father received a good lesson in child psychology one day when he saw his five-year- old son roughly jerking their toy poodle's leash.

Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"

"I don't know how much you saw!" stammered the young boy.

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"New Apartment"

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

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CleanQuote

"A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem."

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Illustration - "Frustration"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the table. "Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a congregation of jackasses!"

The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved brethren.'"

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Last Wishes

A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who mad passed away.

When her husband was on his death bed, and he told her that he had
three envelopes in his desk drawer that would "take care" of all of
the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife
opened the drawer and there were 3 envelopes just like he said.

One the first envelope it said "for the casket". There was $5,000.00
in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.

The second envelope said "for the expenses" and had $4,000.00 in it
so she paid all the bills from the funeral.

The third envelope said "for the stone" and had $3,000.00 in it. She
then held her hand out to her friends and said, "Isn't it beautiful!!!"

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A Terrible Night

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most

frightful manner. The streets were deserted, and the local

baker was just about to close up shop when a little man

slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown

inside out, and he was bundled in two sweaters and a thick

coat. But even so, he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf, he said to the baker, "May I have

two bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one

for Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker.

"What do you think?" snapped the little man. "My mother

would never send me out on a night like this!"

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Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"