hUMOR For Feb 11th

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.

2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.

3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

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Cliches

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of a joke?"

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College students, at the end of a course, are often asked to fill out a

short questionnaire to evaluate the course on such things as the instructor,

text, and so forth. Here are some collected comments:

What's the quality of the text?

*Text is printed on high quality paper."

*Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

*Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."

*Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should

proofread it."

*I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the CDs that I used

while doing the problem sets.

Describe the Professor. Does he/she stimulate learning?

*He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.

*Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!

*His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.

*This instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you

where to go, but you can never understand him.

*Recitations were great. It was so confusing that I forgot who

*I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever.

*I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got

a cool nest in the tree.

*Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all

directions - no way to stop it.

Was the class worthwhile to you? Did it cover all the material?

*The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.

*Hard to say. Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another?

That's the way I felt all term.

*Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.

*The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on

the final exam.

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A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town,

when they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch

their heads.

The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I

know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great

deal."

The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do

some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature,

and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire

you should buy."

The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with

you guys? We have a spare tire in the trunk. Now all we have to do is start

swapping tires until we find the flat one."

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Backing the car out of the driveway will cause a child to have to go to the

bathroom.

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"Shopping Bags"

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.

"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"

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CleanQuote

"Men take only their needs into consideration, never their abilities."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

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"Answered Prayer"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle. and He just then did!"

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Waiting for the Bus

A person was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol building, the person asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the person is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The person replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

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Hiccups Cure

Vern goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

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Three Wishes

Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

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Three Wishes

Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

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A Primer For Accordion Beginners

Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same.

Do not tell anyone what you have done. It will only cause them to worry.

They will find out soon enough.

Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the

accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few

weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.

For sounds to be produced, three things must happen. The third is the most

important:

1. The bellows must be moving in or out.

2. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed.

3. All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and

secured.

The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C" button has a dimple

or nipple so you can find it without looking. This is a safety feature.

Before it was invented, thousands of accordion players suffered painful and

sometimes disabling injuries, much to the delight of the general public.

Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be

using lots of buttons but they are actually just desperately trying to find

the damned "C".

By the way, "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do

it.

Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low

notes are at the top. That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense.

Accept it.

Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom,

you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair

it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack

your accordion up with hundreds of dollars and mail it far away for a long,

long time.

Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life,

whichever comes first.

Put the accordion back in its case, order an accordion t-shirt and wear it

to your state's Accordion Fest

hUMOR For Feb 10th

Door Signs

Vern checked into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

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A Great Cup of Tea

This is taken from the Dr. James Dobson Bulletin for June

1998.

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful,

but it makes your life more complicated?

I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu.

Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed

the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read.

And then she showed up with a cup of tea.

"You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the

tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."

"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in

the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained

it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the

flyswatter."

"You what?"

And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, Mom. I didn't

use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."

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It has been scientifically proven that 40% of the population doesn't care

what the other 60% are doing.

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Medicine


Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four
weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way
behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, and no heart, put
her in the White House .....
and then half the country will be out looking for work."

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The Macarena

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the warden had given the formal speech, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

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Strange Fact

"The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth"

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"Stolen Turkey"

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

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Oneliner

"Kissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other."

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CleanPun - "Frisbees"

The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get.

Then it hit me.

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”Walking Home From Church”

Vernie was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said little Vernie. "Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little Vernie.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked little Vernie.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the RLDS church back at the top of the hill," replied the little Vernie.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little Vernie.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea,"replied the little Vernie. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little Vernie finally remarked ...

"You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTISTand a RLDS member!!!

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Miracle Diet

An overweight clerk consulted the doctor for advice. The doctor advised that the clerk run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would burn off as much as twenty pounds.

The clerk follows the doctor's advice and, after thirty days, was pleased to note a loss of twenty pounds.

The clerk phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, there was one last question:

"How do I get home, since I'm now 300 miles away?"

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I love this one, a real classic:

Cup Holder

Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?

HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?

HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

hUMOR For Feb 9th

The pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the nearly-deaf old man

the bottle of pills saying, "That'll be $16.50."

Just then the drug store phone rang and the pharmacist answered. As he did,

the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of the store with

his prescription.

The clerk realized the mistake and shouted but the old man did not hear and

kept walking. When the pharmacist finished his call the clerk explained

what had happened.

The pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the cash register

saying to the clerk, "Oh well, 30 cents profit is better than nothing."

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A remote-controlled advertising blimp touting a Ford/Toyota dealership in

Salisbury, N.C., was flying over a vacant lot when a man in a black

Chevrolet pickup drove up, got out, and shot at it with a shotgun, causing

$10,000 in damage.

A witness wrote down the truck's license number. Police say it's registered

to a nearby Chevrolet dealer.

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I used to be up the creek without a paddle. Now, I'm down the information

highway without a modem.

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Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!
• And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
• Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
• Uh-oh.
• I don't know where that came from! Just put it over there.
• Better crank up that anesthesia.
• I don't think that was supposed to come off.
• Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won't pay for the rest.
• Well, it's five o'clock! We'll just put this off till tomorrow.
• Hey... ...maybe the janitor knows what this is.

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Walmart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't

seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10,

sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really

tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the

company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person

Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal

with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do

a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite

bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to

hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're

retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came

in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this

morning, sir?'"

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Grandpa's Driving

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say, 'Idiot!' afterwards."

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"Some insurance companies won't pay for Viagra unless men

can prove that they're impotent. Which means that you are

at a disadvantage if you have a really hot pharmacist."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"Congratulations to the new Miss Universe. It's Miss Puerto

Rico. Is it just me or does it seem like the winner is always

from earth?" -Dave Letterman

***

"I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on

top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,

and I gave her a burrito." -Mitch Hedberg

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Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in

rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when

a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the

trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers

explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.

They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming

toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she

said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench

crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"

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On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted

several historical points of interest. The children were

especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game

"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships

the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to

look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.

Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my

daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen

always die."

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Clean Breakfast

This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.

I bet you were mad.

Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!

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The Tearful Bride

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

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Vern's Computer Tricks

Computer manufacturers are considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

- A technician received a call from Vern complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

- Vern was asked to send a copy of his defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from Vern along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

- A technician advised Vern to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. Vern put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

- Vern called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

- An exasperated Vern to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked Vern what happened when he pushed the power button. His response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

- Vern called Tech Support to say his brand-new computer wouldn't work. He said he unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

hUMOR For Feb 8th

Walmart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't

seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10,

sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really

tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the

company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person

Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal

with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do

a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite

bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to

hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're

retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came

in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this

morning, sir?'"

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Cow Poke

On vacation one year I went to a resort in Wyoming. As part of the usual activities, a neighboring ranch invited guests from our resort to participate in a cattle drive. After watching 20 make-believe cowpokes whooping and hollering, I rode up to the ranch owner and asked her how many cowboys it normally takes to drive a herd of that size.

"One," she replied.

"One?!" I said incredulously.

"And a dog," she added.

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Strange Fact

"The average person laughs 13 times a day!" - Can you laugh more?

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God’s Left Hand

Little Vernie was spending the weekend with his grandmother. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked... "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Vernie, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person

is always right, and the other is a husband.

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Memory Improvement

I knew that as I was getting older, I was finally able to admit that
certain things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this
memory "slippage", I went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on
memory improvement.

After an hour I slipped out. I took the same course, given by the
same professor, last year.

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"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL

CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm

not afraid of small children." -Jonathan Katz

***

"I hate waking up every morning to my alarm. I always bang

my head on the steering wheel." --Scott Wood

***

"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half

full, I say, are you going to drink that?" -Lisa Claymen

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While working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult

assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One

day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old

Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO,

THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!

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One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to

my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor

husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me!

My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard

me say a bad word about about him?"

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Got Any Grapes

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

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Purple Monkey

A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222." The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.

The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs...the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.

Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.

The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!"

The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it.

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You Know You're Growing Older When

- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

- You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

- You get winded playing chess.

- Your children begin to look middle-aged.

- You join a health club and don't go.

- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.

- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

- Dialing long distance wears you out.

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Batmobile

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

"Robin get into the Batmobile."

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Vacuum Salesman

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to

the first house in his new territory. He knocks, and a

really mean, tough-looking lady opens the door. Before she

has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps

garden soil all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders

cleaning this up, I'll eat every bit of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on

that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the

electricity turned on yet."

hUMOR For Feb 7th

One day a young man was writing a letter to his girl friend who lived just a

few miles away in a nearby town. Among other things, he was telling her how

much he loved her and how wonderful he thought she was.

The more he wrote, the more poetic he became. Finally, he said that in order

to be with her he would suffer the greatest

difficulties, he would face the greatest dangers that anyone could imagine.

In fact, to spend only one minute with her, he would climb the highest

mountain in the world. He would swim across the widest river. He would enter

the deepest forest and with his bare hands fight against the fiercest

animals.

He finished the letter, signed his name, and then suddenly remembered that

he had forgotten to mention something quite

important. So he added:

P.S. I will be over to see you Wednesday night as long as it doesn't rain.

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The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside

to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his

smoldering building.

His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing

nearby. "Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that

prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"

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"All the world loves a lover. Except people who are waiting to use the

phone." - Milton Berle

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Be Careful What You Wish For

For years, three men were stranded on a desert island. They survived by eating bananas and other fruit that grew naturally on the island.

One day, a magic lamp washed on to the beach. They rubbed the lamp, and a genie appeared that granted each man a wish.

"I wish I was off this island and back with my family," said the first man, and he disappeared.

"I also wish I was off this island and back home," said the second man. He too disappeared.

The third man, looked around and feeling lonely, looked up to the genie, "I really kind of like this island. I have everything I want, but it is getting a little lonely, so I wish my two friends were back to keep me company."

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Country Tunes

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a
display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the
flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed
instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much
to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my
ear, "I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a
cheese slicer."

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"Bill Gates, the world's richest man, the Microsoft man, he

bought the Four Seasons today. Not the hotel chain, the

actual seasons. It's now Microsoft winter, Windows Spring..."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"Did you hear about the fan violence in Italy at soccer

games? The fan violence in Italy at soccer games has gotten

so bad, the teams are forced to play in empty stadiums.

Empty stadiums! And so now, it's just like United States

soccer." -Dave Letterman

***

"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and

it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of

interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They

have raised the limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion.

It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting

an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to

K. Then your F looks like a C." -Jon Stewart

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A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out-

side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf

ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside

the room, asked the pacing golfer.

"No," replied the man, "That's my ball!"

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Did you hear of the accountant who added up his columns of

numbers so oddly that he always ended with, "$79.25 plus a

cat," or "$568.13 plus a cat," and so on?

It seems he had an "add-a-puss" complex.

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Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.

9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.

8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!

6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.

3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.

2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.

1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though).

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Fast Drinker

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve soda's and starts drinking them as fast as he can. T

he bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

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Named Drink

A grasshopper goes to a bar and hops up on a stool.

The bartender is surprised to see a grasshopper and says "Say, you know we have a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper responds "You have a drink named Roger?"

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A Writer's Allowed to Choose

A writer died, and due to a bureaucratic snafu in the hereafter, she was to be allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being very shrewd for a dead person, she asked St. Peter for a tour of both.

The first stop was hell, where she saw rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. Your typical hell scene.

"Wow, this is awful," said the writer., appalled "Let's see some heaven."

In a moment, they were whisked to heaven and the writer saw rows and rows of writers chained to desks, in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licked the writers' fingers as they tried to work; demons whipped their backs with chains. It looked and smelled even worse than hell.

"What gives, Pete?" the writer asked. "This is worse than hell!"

"Yes," St. Peter replied, "but here your work gets published."

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Adoption
What it means to be an adopted child...

A group of first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair colour than the other members. One of the students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said, “I know all about adoption, I was adopted.”

“What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child.

“It means,” said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!”

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Call Center Outsourcing
Driving away from your problems...

I was depressed last night so I called Suicide Lifeline.

Got a call center... in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.