hUMOR For Feb 1st

Pondering the Imponderable

- What was the best thing before sliced bread?

- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

- How is it possible to have a civil war?

- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

- If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

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Smart Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.

The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that that was good.

The chemist said that his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

They all agreed that that was the most impressive of all.

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"He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel

in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head

with a mallet" -Fred Allen

***

"I took a course in speed reading and was able to read 'War

and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's about Russia."

-Woody Allen

***

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to

99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

-Joe Weinstein

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The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced

to the rest of his family waiting for the news, "We had

twins!"

The family was so excited, they immediately asked, "Who

do they look like?"

The father paused, smiled and said, "Each other."

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Chatting with my mother-in-law I asked, "Have you heard of

this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one

and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"

"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to

the phrase 'family jewels.'"

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A Wise School Teacher

A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first

day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says

happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he

says happens at home."

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I’m Passing

A Wise School Teacher

A school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first

day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says

happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he

says happens at home."

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16 COMMON COMMENTS MADE BY POLICE IN ORDER OF FREQUENCY.

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while.'

14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document.'

13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS.....

1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here.'

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Tattoos

When my brother-in-law was on leave from the Navy, he brought home a
heavily tattooed friend.

We all sat down to Sunday lunch and my four-year-old nephew couldn't
take his eyes off the man's colorful arms.

Curiosity finally got the better of him. Politely, he asked the
visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"

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Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the
ladies who bake for church events

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake
was horribly disfigured. she said, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake."

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new
church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom-a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then
covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked
perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice
woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake
had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified-she was beside herself.

Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and
would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose the fact Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of
her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a
prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

hUMOR For Jan 31st

Phone Call Four Wilson
Having trouble finding a lawyer?

Jethro: Hello, is this the law firm of Wilson, Wilson, Wilson, and Wilson?
Voice on the phone: Yes, it is.

Jethro: May I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: I’m sorry, he’s out to lunch.

Jethro: Then may I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: I’m sorry, he’s on a business trip.

Jethro: Then may I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: I’m sorry, but he’s out today with a cold.

Jethro: Well, then may I talk to Mr. Wilson?
Voice on the phone: Speaking!

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Winter in Minnesota
Ode to COLD in Minnesota...

It's winter in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow -
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Minnesota
When the snow's up to your butt -
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around;
I could never leave Minnesota

Cause I'm frozen to the ground!

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Designated Driver
Helping your friends have a good time at the bar...

During a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall in Saskatchewan.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off. Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I'll have to ask you to accompany me to headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it," said the truly proud Saskie. “Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

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January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ...
Helllloooo!!! ... pill bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ...

box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid ... wrong instructions ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of car in rain storm ... car swamped because sun roof was open.

September
The capital of California is "C"... isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's ... they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911. "Duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

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"Employment Search"

My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs for them.

They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: "When are the interviews?"

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Oneliner

"My wife and I have a system for settling arguments We just talk and talk until she's right."

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”Satanic Visit”

One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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Password Protection

A technician created an account for a new system user, who tells the
tech that he has a hard time remembering things like usernames and passwords.

The tech suggested that he could write it on a small piece of paper
until he memorized it, then destroy it, emphasizing that he shouldn't
write any other information on the paper in case he lost it. The tech
added that it would be the same as writing his PIN on his ATM card.

The user reached in his wallet and pulled out his ATM card and said,
"Like this?"

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Wizened Proverbs

- Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

- Man with one chopstick go hungry.

- Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails.

- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

- War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

- Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

- Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

- Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

- Man who break wind in church sit in own pew.

- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

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Coffee Dilemma

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

hUMOR For Jan 30th

Modeling

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said "but that won't work on me."

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he insisted.

"Really?" she said, softening. "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase..."

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"Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!"

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Rejection From Satan

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

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Jean Squeeze

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when
she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the
added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband,
"Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.

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"In the movies, Sylvester Stallone is Rambo again. Like

everyone else, he's older. Now when he gets dropped behind

enemy lines he says, 'What did I come here for?'"

-David Letterman

***

"Food addicts are the people I feel sorriest for because

that's really hard. You need to eat. You don't need to do

drugs. Very hard for these people to quit. "I'm going cold

turkey... mmmmm turkey. Do not think about food... do not

think about food... do not... nuts..." -Craig Ferguson

***

"According to a survey by nationwide mutual insurance, 2

percent of people actually shave while they're driving. They

shave! How many guys would like to be in the car with those

women?" --Jay Leno

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As the owner of an old clunker, I was used to dealing with

a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket,

just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed

a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I

knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of

action.

When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the pro-

blem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis.

When he came back in, he was smiling. "It's apple juice," he

said.

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A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours

was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski

mask come hurling headfirst through the window.

"What on earth are you up to? What happened?!" he demanded.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of

the brick."

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Accident Report

Because I was processing my first accident report at the

transport company where I worked, I was being particularly

attentive.

The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was

a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was

broken, however, when I reached the section of the report

that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"

The driver had put, "Full gallop."

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From a Child's Mouth...

Several years ago, when I lived in New York and flew to customer sites often, my wife would usually drop me off at Newark (N.J.) airport and pick me up when I returned. On one trip, I was only going to be gone for a few days, so I drove myself, and parked the car at Newark.

When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at night. I wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort of my wife and my own bed. When I arrived, the storm was very loud, with crashing thunder and Severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children, Alex (3) and Cindy (12), in bed with my wife, Carolyn, apparently scared by the loud storm.

I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

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Points to Ponder

- The Bill of Rights (Void where prohibited by law)

- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

- A fool and his mone can throw one heck of a party.

- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

- Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Losing a wife/husband can be hard. In my case it was darn near impossible.

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Life of a Government Worker

- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"

- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

- When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.

- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you to excel."

- Training is something spoken about but never seen.

- Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

- No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.

- Change is the norm.

- Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.

- The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.

- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

- You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.

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Think About It

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

- If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

hUMOR For Jan 29th

Did I Say That?

Police in Los Angeles, California had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

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Acts

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911; the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.

"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!

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Are We Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone,

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!".

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

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The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the lowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer elimates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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Who's The Real Dummy?

AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.

He received a $26 million dollar severance package.

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

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Van Problem

The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for

the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. "Is that

yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that

was jutting out into the narrow street.

"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our

company's."

"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up

a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."

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After 20 years two college rivals bumped into each other. "Do you remember how I used to be so fat and flabby?' asked the first. "Well, I've been on an exercise program for a few years, and now I run marathons."

"That's great!" replied the other man.

"And," the first man continued, "Do you remember how I used to be shy and a poor student? Well, I took a course in public speaking, and now I make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on the lecture circuit."

"That's great!" came the reply.

"Oh, and how about you?" the first man asked. "Have you changed at all?"

"Well, yes I have", replied the second man. "Remember how brutally honest I used to be, and how when someone said something uninteresting, I would reply, 'I couldn't care less?'"

"Well now I just say, 'That's great!'"

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"Windy Walk"

So George goes out on a really windy night to walk over and visit his friend Sam, who is sick in bed. Several hours later, George drags his weary body into Sam's house and collapses on the couch.

"I tell ya, Sam," George says, exhausted, "it is just brutal with that wind out there. For every step I took forward, I was pushed back two."

"Then how in the world did you ever make it over here?" Sam asks.

"Well," George pants, "shortly after I started out I realized it was hopeless and I turned around and headed back home."

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CleanQuote

"None are so empty as those who are full of themselves."
- Andrew Jackson

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Illustration - "Salesmanship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more."

Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"

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BUTCH THE ROOSTER > John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several > Hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose > Job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). > > The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into > the Soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he > Bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell > Had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster > Was performing. > > Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply > by listening to the bells.

> The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen > he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't > rung at all! John went to investigate. > > The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, > hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. > > John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and > he became an overnight sensation among the judges. > > The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece > Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. > > Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a > politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted > awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace > and having his way with them when they weren't paying attention? .

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Playing House

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches
the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea
what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

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"Welcome to the show. It's Friday night! Don't feel bad, I

had nowhere fun to go either." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Down in Florida, they are getting ready for the Republican

primary. They have got one week to make sure the voting

machines don't work." -Craig Ferguson

***

"It's cold here in the Northeast. You have to dress in layers

when it's this cold. For instance, right now I'm wearing two

hairpieces." -David Letterman

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

The orthodontist and his assistants were removing my ten-

year-old's dental appliance. Because it was cemented to

the upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release

it. When it finally popped out, three baby teeth came out

as well. My child was horrified at seeing the gaps.

"Well," my child said to the staff gathered around, "who

do I see about getting some dentures?"

hUMOR For Jan 29th

Did I Say That?

Police in Los Angeles, California had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

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Acts

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911; the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.

"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!

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Are We Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone,

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!".

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

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The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the lowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer elimates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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Who's The Real Dummy?

AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.

He received a $26 million dollar severance package.

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

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Van Problem

The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for

the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. "Is that

yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that

was jutting out into the narrow street.

"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our

company's."

"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up

a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

After 20 years two college rivals bumped into each other. "Do you remember how I used to be so fat and flabby?' asked the first. "Well, I've been on an exercise program for a few years, and now I run marathons."

"That's great!" replied the other man.

"And," the first man continued, "Do you remember how I used to be shy and a poor student? Well, I took a course in public speaking, and now I make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on the lecture circuit."

"That's great!" came the reply.

"Oh, and how about you?" the first man asked. "Have you changed at all?"

"Well, yes I have", replied the second man. "Remember how brutally honest I used to be, and how when someone said something uninteresting, I would reply, 'I couldn't care less?'"

"Well now I just say, 'That's great!'"

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

"Windy Walk"

So George goes out on a really windy night to walk over and visit his friend Sam, who is sick in bed. Several hours later, George drags his weary body into Sam's house and collapses on the couch.

"I tell ya, Sam," George says, exhausted, "it is just brutal with that wind out there. For every step I took forward, I was pushed back two."

"Then how in the world did you ever make it over here?" Sam asks.

"Well," George pants, "shortly after I started out I realized it was hopeless and I turned around and headed back home."

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CleanQuote

"None are so empty as those who are full of themselves."
- Andrew Jackson

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Illustration - "Salesmanship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more."

Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"

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BUTCH THE ROOSTER > John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several > Hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose > Job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). > > The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into > the Soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he > Bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell > Had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster > Was performing. > > Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply > by listening to the bells.

> The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen > he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't > rung at all! John went to investigate. > > The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, > hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. > > John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and > he became an overnight sensation among the judges. > > The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece > Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. > > Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a > politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted > awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace > and having his way with them when they weren't paying attention? .

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Playing House

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches
the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea
what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

"Welcome to the show. It's Friday night! Don't feel bad, I

had nowhere fun to go either." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Down in Florida, they are getting ready for the Republican

primary. They have got one week to make sure the voting

machines don't work." -Craig Ferguson

***

"It's cold here in the Northeast. You have to dress in layers

when it's this cold. For instance, right now I'm wearing two

hairpieces." -David Letterman

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

The orthodontist and his assistants were removing my ten-

year-old's dental appliance. Because it was cemented to

the upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release

it. When it finally popped out, three baby teeth came out

as well. My child was horrified at seeing the gaps.

"Well," my child said to the staff gathered around, "who

do I see about getting some dentures?"