You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely
+++++++++++++++++++
"Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen"
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Secret: What we tell everybody to tell nobody."- Ambrose Bierce
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Manners" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence, she replied, "And that's my husband--the fat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
Personal Injury LawyerI was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. I called them and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train station to your office?""When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the sidewalk and start yelling. Someone from our office will be along shortly."
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing The Part
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for 20 years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Also winning a Nobel Prize was a scientist who won an award
for chemistry. He won the award for understanding how iron
rusts. There’s a cocktail party you don’t want to miss."
-Jay Leno
***
"Mayor Bloomberger is planting 1 million trees in New York
City. Well, we need more trees, because currently, squirrels
have to wait until another squirrel dies before they can move
into a tree." -David Letterman
***
"This morning, Sen. Hillary Clinton appeared on 'The View.'
It was an awkward moment when Hillary looked around and said,
Good Lord, I’m the hottest one here.'" -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our
vacations, in British Columbia. In those days all Canadians
appreciated their American neighbors. We had a favorite
place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was
at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide.
While we were around our campfire in the evening the local
Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They
would also tell of the Legends of the area. This one Legend
always stuck in my mind.
It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes
made their homes. They were, however, at war, with one
another from years before.
There was an Indian Maiden in one Camp who was in love with
a young Brave in the other Camp. They used to stand, on the
shore, each on their respective side of the Lake, and chant
Indian love calls to each other...even though they were
warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever come of it.
One day they just could not stand being apart any longer.
That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped into
the Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight. When
they reached each other in the center of the Lake, they
embraced and, very quickly, froze to death. This act so im-
pressed the Brave's Tribe that they named the Lake after the
young man.
I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent
at "Lake Stupid".
+++++++++++++++++++
Mushroom-Smothered Steak
Five couples in a neighborhood decided to get together on a
regular basis and socialize. As a result, they formed a
dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different
neighbors' house each month.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the
dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to
outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best
that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook
and decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. When she went
to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price was
far more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband,
"I think we aren't going to have mushrooms because they are
too expensive."
He said , "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick
some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in
the creek bed."
She said, "No, I have heard that wild mushrooms can be
poisonous."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating
them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try
and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and
picked some mushrooms. She brought them back home and
washed, sliced, and diced them to get them ready to go over
her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and
got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double
handful, putting a mess of bacon grease on them to make them
tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every
bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild
mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use
them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady
she knew from town to come out and help her serve. She had
on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first
class. After everyone had finished, they all began to kick
back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the
women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen
and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot
just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After
she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him
what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but being
this early we can take care of it. I will call for an
ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can. We'll give
everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.
Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep
them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren
as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got
there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and
a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One
by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave
them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last
one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think
everything will be fine now," and he left. They looked
pretty peaked sitting around the living room.
About that time, the hired lady from town came in and said,
"You know, I think the fellow that drove the ambulance looks
just like the one who ran over Spot an hour ago, but he
didn't stop so I can't be certain."
+++++++++++++++++++
Helmsman Training
A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 23rd
PRESSED COFFEE DIRECTIONS
1. Run water through Espresso pot.
2. Grind ? tablespoons of beans **COURSE**
3. Nuke water until it boils, let sit for 5 seconds.
4. Measure 8 level tablespoons of grounds into maker.
5. Pour water into pressed coffee maker.
6. Stir ground and water.
7. Let stand 4 minutes.
8. S L O W L Y press plunger down.
9. Be sure safety lid is open and pour coffee into
thermos.
1. Run water through Espresso pot.
2. Grind ? tablespoons of beans **COURSE**
3. Nuke water until it boils, let sit for 5 seconds.
4. Measure 8 level tablespoons of grounds into maker.
5. Pour water into pressed coffee maker.
6. Stir ground and water.
7. Let stand 4 minutes.
8. S L O W L Y press plunger down.
9. Be sure safety lid is open and pour coffee into
thermos.
Monday, October 22, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 22nd
Leprechauns
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?A: Because they're always a little short.
+++++++++++++++++++
Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato?Boiling Mad. Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?He desperately wanted a scoop. What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?Anything, just butter him up. What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?It's mashing! What do you call a baby potato?A small fry!
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Steaks
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."
+++++++++++++++++++
Salesmen
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman knows when he's lying to you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Equating Lawyers
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Drum Problem"
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Great news for New York City and mankind generally: Mayor
Bloomberg is planting a million trees in New York City.
It's all part of the city's plan to revitalize the city's
logging industry." -Dave Letterman
***
"Bad news for Paris Hilton. According to a recent survey,
67 percent of Americans said they hate Paris Hilton. Which
is surprising, because the survey asked, 'Are you happy
with your homeowners insurance?'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"This was kind of scary. Out on the campaign trail in Iowa,
a van carrying Barack Obama's wife was hit by a guy on a
motorcycle. Guy plowed right into the van. You know, we have
to teach George Clooney how to ride a bike. This is going to
keep happening." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Discovering that I'd overslept, I abandoned my usual morning
routine and rushed out. In the van, though, I realized I had
time to stop for a take-out coffee.
I got my coffee and returned to the van, only to find I had
not only left it running but had locked it!
The day was going from bad to worse.
I returned to the shop, sheepishly explained my situation to
the clerk and asked if I could borrow a broom.
I managed to open a side window and pop the lock on the back
door using the broom handle. When I returned the broom, the
clerk said, "I know you're having a bad day, but..."
"I know, I know," I interrupted. "You want to know how I can
unlock my van with a broom."
"No," she said. "I wanted to tell you that your shirt is on
inside out."
+++++++++++++++++++
I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an-
nouncement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees
are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children
under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.
Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
Homework Help
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice.
Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at
least give it a try, couldn't you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"During a recent speech, President Bush said, 'My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.' Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech." --Conan O'Brien "Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'" --Jay Leno "Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin." --Conan O'Brien "The Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Do you realize Arizona wasn't even a state the last time the Cubs won the World Series? To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Fred Thompson was still married to his first wife." --Jay Leno "They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington, DC, and President Bush was apparently a little confused. Earlier today, he pardoned a lasagna." --David Letterman "President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded childrens' health insurance. Explained the president, 'I hate kids.'" --Seth Meyers "According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife's campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with him as first husband. While 71% of women say they'd be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband." --Amy Poehler
+++++++++++++++++++
Kids on the Subject of Love
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the garbage." (Randy, 8)
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?A: Because they're always a little short.
+++++++++++++++++++
Potato Jokes
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead. How do you describe an angry potato?Boiling Mad. Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?Because he was a commontater. Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?He desperately wanted a scoop. What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?Anything, just butter him up. What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?It's mashing! What do you call a baby potato?A small fry!
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Steaks
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."
+++++++++++++++++++
Salesmen
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman knows when he's lying to you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Equating Lawyers
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end-to-end around the equator, it would be a good idea to leave them there.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Drum Problem"
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Great news for New York City and mankind generally: Mayor
Bloomberg is planting a million trees in New York City.
It's all part of the city's plan to revitalize the city's
logging industry." -Dave Letterman
***
"Bad news for Paris Hilton. According to a recent survey,
67 percent of Americans said they hate Paris Hilton. Which
is surprising, because the survey asked, 'Are you happy
with your homeowners insurance?'" -Conan O'Brien
***
"This was kind of scary. Out on the campaign trail in Iowa,
a van carrying Barack Obama's wife was hit by a guy on a
motorcycle. Guy plowed right into the van. You know, we have
to teach George Clooney how to ride a bike. This is going to
keep happening." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Discovering that I'd overslept, I abandoned my usual morning
routine and rushed out. In the van, though, I realized I had
time to stop for a take-out coffee.
I got my coffee and returned to the van, only to find I had
not only left it running but had locked it!
The day was going from bad to worse.
I returned to the shop, sheepishly explained my situation to
the clerk and asked if I could borrow a broom.
I managed to open a side window and pop the lock on the back
door using the broom handle. When I returned the broom, the
clerk said, "I know you're having a bad day, but..."
"I know, I know," I interrupted. "You want to know how I can
unlock my van with a broom."
"No," she said. "I wanted to tell you that your shirt is on
inside out."
+++++++++++++++++++
I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an-
nouncement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees
are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children
under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.
Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
+++++++++++++++++++
Homework Help
"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice.
Would you please do my homework for me?"
The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."
"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at
least give it a try, couldn't you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"During a recent speech, President Bush said, 'My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.' Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech." --Conan O'Brien "Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'" --Jay Leno "Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin." --Conan O'Brien "The Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Do you realize Arizona wasn't even a state the last time the Cubs won the World Series? To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Fred Thompson was still married to his first wife." --Jay Leno "They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington, DC, and President Bush was apparently a little confused. Earlier today, he pardoned a lasagna." --David Letterman "President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded childrens' health insurance. Explained the president, 'I hate kids.'" --Seth Meyers "According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife's campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with him as first husband. While 71% of women say they'd be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband." --Amy Poehler
+++++++++++++++++++
Kids on the Subject of Love
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) "It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7) "Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the garbage." (Randy, 8)
Sunday, October 21, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 21st
Go Forth and Multiply
After it was all over and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the animals to leave, he told the animals "To go forth and multiply." All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the ark. "Why can't you go forth and multiply?" demanded Noah. "We can't," answered the snakes. "We're adders."
+++++++++++++++++++
Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."
+++++++++++++++++++
The First Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”
+++++++++++++++++++
It's Time
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
+++++++++++++++++++
Obituary
Frank and Henry are two old retired widowers. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Henry opens the morning paper and turns to the Obituary page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous..
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Frank up. "Frank, are you up yet?"
Frank sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Frank. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Frank, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"OK, OK, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Frank, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Frank, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Frank, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Frank comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Henry, where are you calling me from right now?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Van Problem"
The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. "Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.
"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our company's."
"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Restaurant Excitement"
I was having dinner at a nice restaurant the other night. The couple at the next table were smooching from the moment they sat down. Oh how romantic, young love!
But I couldn't figure out what was going on at their table after the food came. Every time the young man would take a bite, he would jump up and give the girl such a big hug that she would squeal loudly! This bizarre behavior continued about 10 times - he took a bite, gave her a big hug, she squealed....very strange. Everyone was looking!
When my waiter came by I mentioned the 'entertainment' and he said "Oh, we have that all the time in here. You see, that man ordered the Seize Her Salad."
(By Rose Katz)
+++++++++++++++++++
”Biker Problem”
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CorrectionFrustrated at always being corrected by my spouse, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready."You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."The reply I got was, "Twice a day."
+++++++++++++++++++
Chinese mothers
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
+++++++++++++++++++
Army officer training school
In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers. “Four-seven-seven-zero?” he asked. “Here,” replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper. “Seven-zero-seven-five?” asked the instructor. “Here,” repeated the student, gearing for trouble. “I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier,” spoke the teacher. “That's right, sir,” answered our hero. “I have a nick-number.”
+++++++++++++++++++
It was the stork... Honest
When my granddaughter, Abby was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy. I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you." "Where did Mom come from then?" "The stork brought her, too." "OK, then where did you come from?" "The stork brought me too, dear." "Okay, thanks, Grandma." I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
After it was all over and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the animals to leave, he told the animals "To go forth and multiply." All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the ark. "Why can't you go forth and multiply?" demanded Noah. "We can't," answered the snakes. "We're adders."
+++++++++++++++++++
Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."
+++++++++++++++++++
The First Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”
+++++++++++++++++++
It's Time
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
+++++++++++++++++++
Obituary
Frank and Henry are two old retired widowers. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Henry opens the morning paper and turns to the Obituary page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous..
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Frank up. "Frank, are you up yet?"
Frank sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Frank. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Frank, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"OK, OK, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Frank, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Frank, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Frank, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Frank comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Henry, where are you calling me from right now?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Van Problem"
The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. "Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.
"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our company's."
"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Restaurant Excitement"
I was having dinner at a nice restaurant the other night. The couple at the next table were smooching from the moment they sat down. Oh how romantic, young love!
But I couldn't figure out what was going on at their table after the food came. Every time the young man would take a bite, he would jump up and give the girl such a big hug that she would squeal loudly! This bizarre behavior continued about 10 times - he took a bite, gave her a big hug, she squealed....very strange. Everyone was looking!
When my waiter came by I mentioned the 'entertainment' and he said "Oh, we have that all the time in here. You see, that man ordered the Seize Her Salad."
(By Rose Katz)
+++++++++++++++++++
”Biker Problem”
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CorrectionFrustrated at always being corrected by my spouse, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready."You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."The reply I got was, "Twice a day."
+++++++++++++++++++
Chinese mothers
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
+++++++++++++++++++
Army officer training school
In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers. “Four-seven-seven-zero?” he asked. “Here,” replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper. “Seven-zero-seven-five?” asked the instructor. “Here,” repeated the student, gearing for trouble. “I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier,” spoke the teacher. “That's right, sir,” answered our hero. “I have a nick-number.”
+++++++++++++++++++
It was the stork... Honest
When my granddaughter, Abby was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy. I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you." "Where did Mom come from then?" "The stork brought her, too." "OK, then where did you come from?" "The stork brought me too, dear." "Okay, thanks, Grandma." I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
Saturday, October 20, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 20th
Tired SonA clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer kid named Vernie who was struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off."You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.""No thanks," said Vernie. "My father wouldn't approve.""Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."Again the Vernie protested that his father would be upset.Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!""Well," replied Vernier, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson appeared in his
first presidential debate last night. Political experts
called him 'uneven, flat, and dull.' In other words,
Thompson was the highlight of the debate." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Radiohead has a new album out. Radiohead is my favorite
band. They're named after an appliance and a body part.
They're much better than Toasterfoot." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Another celebrity from the 80s and 90s went to the
hospital. David Hasselhoff had a relapse. I guess he
checked himself into a hospital. I'm surprised they took
him...he wears a medical alert bracelet that says, 'Don't
Hasspitalize the Hoff.'" -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little
girl," said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll
be at the end of your troubles."
So he did the right thing, and he married the girl, and
about six months later when he saw the preacher again he
tried to murder him.
"You miserable liar!" shouted the young man. "You told me
if I married her, I would be at the end of my troubles.
Well, I married her, and she has made my life miserable."
"That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied
the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your troubles,
but I never said which end."
+++++++++++++++++++
Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.
IN A DIRTY MUG!"
"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction,
let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive
solution."
"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little
boys room."
"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee,
nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on
the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of
fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to
get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"
"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a
keen eye for interior decoration."
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone,
women is from Dodge."
"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...
.Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Bizarre Driving Laws
The Greek sage Aristotle once penned, "Even when the laws
have been written down, they ought not always remain
unchanged." Not only is this wise advice, but also
prophetic. Especially when you focus on some of the driving
laws that loiter on the pages of state statutes.
Tennessee, for example, has a law that bans shooting game,
other than whales, from moving vehicles. Apparently, this
law was authored during an unusually high tide or after too
many dizzying spins on a Tilt-a-Whirl at Dollyworld. Chances
of any whale finding its way into Tennessee via the
Cumberland River are about as likely as Tony Danza winning a
lifetime achievement award at the Cannes Film Festival. Yet,
it exists.
So as to assure that your next cross-country vacation does
not get pricked by the thorns of legality, we at DMV.ORG
have organized a list of arcane state laws that you should
be aware of. For nothing can be more embarrassing than
having to phone your attorney from Kentucky for help in
escaping a fine for trying to transport an ice cream cone in
your back pocket.
Alabama
* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while
operating a vehicle.
* It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street
as long as a lantern is attached to the front of your car.
* Driving barefoot is illegal.
Alaska
* It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your car.
Arkansas
* It is illegal for a person to blare the horn on a vehicle
at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served
after 9 p.m.
California
* Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited from
driving a car.
* It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry your car
with used underwear.
* No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Florida
* If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the owner or
attendant must deposit money in the meter.
Georgia
* State Assembly members are immune from being ticketed for
speeding while the State Assembly is in session.
* In Marietta, Georgia, it is illegal to spit from a moving
car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.
Illinois
* In Evanston, Illinois, it is unlawful to change clothes
while inside a car with the curtains drawn, except during a
fire.
Kansas
* In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor to
screech your tires while driving.
Kentucky
* If you stop for ice cream while driving, be aware that it
is considered unlawful to transport an ice cream cone in
your back pocket.
Massachusetts
* You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla in the
backseat of your car.
Michigan
* If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are waiting for
assistance, be aware that sitting in the middle of the
street to read a newspaper is illegal.
Minnesota
* It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless if you are
walking or driving, with a duck on your head. And, if you're
crossing into Wisconsin, the law also applies to chickens.
* In Minnetonka, Minnesota, if you drive a truck that
leaves mud, dirt, or sticky substances on any road, you will
be considered a public nuisance who is harming the peace,
safety, and general welfare of the town.
* You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.
Montana
* In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited from
driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.
Nevada
* It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
New Jersey
* Drivers are required to beep their car horns before
passing another vehicle.
* If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you
permanently lose the option of registering for a vanity
license plate.
North Carolina
* In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive on a
sidewalk.
Ohio
* In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if you
consecutively drive around the town square more than 100
times.
* Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and you phone
for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt to ride on the
cab's roof.
Oklahoma
* It is considered illegal to read a comic book while
driving.
Oregon
* You will be ticketed if you leave your car door open
longer than is deemed necessary.
* You will be slapped with a Class A traffic violation if
you use your car on an Oregon highway to prove your physical
endurance.
* It is illegal to pump your own gas.
Pennsylvania
* If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are required
by law to pull to the side of the road and cover your car
with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted or sewn
to blend into the scenery. But, if the horses react skittish
to your efforts, you are then required to disassemble your
car and hide the parts in the nearby underbrush.
South Carolina
* In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave trash in
your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.
Tennessee
* It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game other than
whales from a moving car.
West Virginia
* It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance purposes, to
scavenge road kill.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson appeared in his
first presidential debate last night. Political experts
called him 'uneven, flat, and dull.' In other words,
Thompson was the highlight of the debate." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Radiohead has a new album out. Radiohead is my favorite
band. They're named after an appliance and a body part.
They're much better than Toasterfoot." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Another celebrity from the 80s and 90s went to the
hospital. David Hasselhoff had a relapse. I guess he
checked himself into a hospital. I'm surprised they took
him...he wears a medical alert bracelet that says, 'Don't
Hasspitalize the Hoff.'" -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little
girl," said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll
be at the end of your troubles."
So he did the right thing, and he married the girl, and
about six months later when he saw the preacher again he
tried to murder him.
"You miserable liar!" shouted the young man. "You told me
if I married her, I would be at the end of my troubles.
Well, I married her, and she has made my life miserable."
"That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied
the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your troubles,
but I never said which end."
+++++++++++++++++++
Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.
IN A DIRTY MUG!"
"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction,
let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive
solution."
"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little
boys room."
"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee,
nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on
the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of
fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to
get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"
"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a
keen eye for interior decoration."
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone,
women is from Dodge."
"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...
.Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Bizarre Driving Laws
The Greek sage Aristotle once penned, "Even when the laws
have been written down, they ought not always remain
unchanged." Not only is this wise advice, but also
prophetic. Especially when you focus on some of the driving
laws that loiter on the pages of state statutes.
Tennessee, for example, has a law that bans shooting game,
other than whales, from moving vehicles. Apparently, this
law was authored during an unusually high tide or after too
many dizzying spins on a Tilt-a-Whirl at Dollyworld. Chances
of any whale finding its way into Tennessee via the
Cumberland River are about as likely as Tony Danza winning a
lifetime achievement award at the Cannes Film Festival. Yet,
it exists.
So as to assure that your next cross-country vacation does
not get pricked by the thorns of legality, we at DMV.ORG
have organized a list of arcane state laws that you should
be aware of. For nothing can be more embarrassing than
having to phone your attorney from Kentucky for help in
escaping a fine for trying to transport an ice cream cone in
your back pocket.
Alabama
* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while
operating a vehicle.
* It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street
as long as a lantern is attached to the front of your car.
* Driving barefoot is illegal.
Alaska
* It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your car.
Arkansas
* It is illegal for a person to blare the horn on a vehicle
at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served
after 9 p.m.
California
* Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited from
driving a car.
* It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry your car
with used underwear.
* No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Florida
* If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the owner or
attendant must deposit money in the meter.
Georgia
* State Assembly members are immune from being ticketed for
speeding while the State Assembly is in session.
* In Marietta, Georgia, it is illegal to spit from a moving
car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.
Illinois
* In Evanston, Illinois, it is unlawful to change clothes
while inside a car with the curtains drawn, except during a
fire.
Kansas
* In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor to
screech your tires while driving.
Kentucky
* If you stop for ice cream while driving, be aware that it
is considered unlawful to transport an ice cream cone in
your back pocket.
Massachusetts
* You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla in the
backseat of your car.
Michigan
* If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are waiting for
assistance, be aware that sitting in the middle of the
street to read a newspaper is illegal.
Minnesota
* It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless if you are
walking or driving, with a duck on your head. And, if you're
crossing into Wisconsin, the law also applies to chickens.
* In Minnetonka, Minnesota, if you drive a truck that
leaves mud, dirt, or sticky substances on any road, you will
be considered a public nuisance who is harming the peace,
safety, and general welfare of the town.
* You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.
Montana
* In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited from
driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.
Nevada
* It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
New Jersey
* Drivers are required to beep their car horns before
passing another vehicle.
* If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you
permanently lose the option of registering for a vanity
license plate.
North Carolina
* In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive on a
sidewalk.
Ohio
* In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if you
consecutively drive around the town square more than 100
times.
* Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and you phone
for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt to ride on the
cab's roof.
Oklahoma
* It is considered illegal to read a comic book while
driving.
Oregon
* You will be ticketed if you leave your car door open
longer than is deemed necessary.
* You will be slapped with a Class A traffic violation if
you use your car on an Oregon highway to prove your physical
endurance.
* It is illegal to pump your own gas.
Pennsylvania
* If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are required
by law to pull to the side of the road and cover your car
with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted or sewn
to blend into the scenery. But, if the horses react skittish
to your efforts, you are then required to disassemble your
car and hide the parts in the nearby underbrush.
South Carolina
* In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave trash in
your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.
Tennessee
* It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game other than
whales from a moving car.
West Virginia
* It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance purposes, to
scavenge road kill.
Friday, October 19, 2007
hUMOR For Oct. 19th
Answering machine message 29
Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 30
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 31
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 32
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 33
Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 34
If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 35
After a power outage: Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 36
Start, low pitch, slow: Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... Middle, normal: ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... Later, high pitch, fast: ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish: ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hillary Clinton is a money-making machine. She is a fund-
raising juggernaut. Here's what she made: $80 million so far
this year. $80 million! It's amazing, isn't it? Here's how
it breaks down: $30 million for advertising, $50 million for
pantsuits" --David Letterman
***
"A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that
senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for
Hillary, the seniors still rank her third behind apple
sauce and creamed spinach." -Conan O'Brien
***
"It's fall - harvest festival time! I've only grown one plant
in my life, and I'd rather not talk about it... for legal
reasons." -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my
hand to give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a
high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five,
too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter
of the guests.
+++++++++++++++++++
While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor
announced that their prison quartet would be singing the
following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the
vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.
The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the
church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.
"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and
always looking for the key."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to
200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a medium-sized gift-wrapped box in the
middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,
and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and
found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
+++++++++++++++++++
A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."
+++++++++++++++++++
Knock Knock - Jupiter
Knock KnockWho's there !Jupiter !Jupiter who !Jupiter hurry, or you'll miss the bus ! Knock KnockWho's there !Jupiter !Jupiter who !Jupiter fly in my soup !
+++++++++++++++++++
School Bus Ride
It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus. Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place. After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away. "Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live." "I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."
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Do you know what day this is?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered. "How could you think I would forget?" Whereupon he left for the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Bank Robber
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY."
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."
Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
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Answering machine message 30
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
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Answering machine message 31
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.
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Answering machine message 32
Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.
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Answering machine message 33
Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message before the tone.
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Answering machine message 34
If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...
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Answering machine message 35
After a power outage: Hi, this is Ralph. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message.
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Answering machine message 36
Start, low pitch, slow: Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... Middle, normal: ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... Later, high pitch, fast: ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen... End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish: ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP
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"Hillary Clinton is a money-making machine. She is a fund-
raising juggernaut. Here's what she made: $80 million so far
this year. $80 million! It's amazing, isn't it? Here's how
it breaks down: $30 million for advertising, $50 million for
pantsuits" --David Letterman
***
"A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that
senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for
Hillary, the seniors still rank her third behind apple
sauce and creamed spinach." -Conan O'Brien
***
"It's fall - harvest festival time! I've only grown one plant
in my life, and I'd rather not talk about it... for legal
reasons." -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my
hand to give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a
high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five,
too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter
of the guests.
+++++++++++++++++++
While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor
announced that their prison quartet would be singing the
following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the
vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.
The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the
church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.
"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and
always looking for the key."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to
200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When
his wife woke up, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a medium-sized gift-wrapped box in the
middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,
and brought the box back into the house. She opened it and
found a brand-new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
+++++++++++++++++++
A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."
+++++++++++++++++++
Knock Knock - Jupiter
Knock KnockWho's there !Jupiter !Jupiter who !Jupiter hurry, or you'll miss the bus ! Knock KnockWho's there !Jupiter !Jupiter who !Jupiter fly in my soup !
+++++++++++++++++++
School Bus Ride
It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus. Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place. After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away. "Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live." "I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."
+++++++++++++++++++
Do you know what day this is?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered. "How could you think I would forget?" Whereupon he left for the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Bank Robber
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY."
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."
Thursday, October 18, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 18th
Answering machine message 01
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
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Answering machine message 02
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!
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Answering machine message 03
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
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Answering machine message 04
Owner is a hard-to-reach person: Yes, I finally got an answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at the tone.
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Answering machine message 05
Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
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Answering machine message 06
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
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Answering machine message 07
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
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Answering machine message 08
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 09
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!
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Answering machine message 10
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 11
Computer style monotone: Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP
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Answering machine message 12
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 13
Hi. This is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 14
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.
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Answering machine message 15
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
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Answering machine message 16
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
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Answering machine message 17
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
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Answering machine message 18
Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.
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Answering machine message 19
(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 21
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 22
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
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Answering machine message 23
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 24
Computer generated voices:1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 25
1: I didn't expect an answering machine.2: Nobody expects an answering machine.1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.1: Oops! And your message message.2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.1: And time you called.2: Oh, great, we'll have to start over.1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 26
You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it that any more. We wouldn't even if we could. So leave your message...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 27
Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra": Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 28
Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 02
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 03
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 04
Owner is a hard-to-reach person: Yes, I finally got an answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at the tone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 05
Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 06
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 07
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 08
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 09
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 10
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 11
Computer style monotone: Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 12
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 13
Hi. This is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 14
Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 15
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 16
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 17
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 18
Machine voice: Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 19
(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 21
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 22
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 23
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 24
Computer generated voices:1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 25
1: I didn't expect an answering machine.2: Nobody expects an answering machine.1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.1: Oops! And your message message.2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.1: And time you called.2: Oh, great, we'll have to start over.1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 26
You have reached the Business Automation voicemail system. We used to call it an answering machine, but this is a high-tech world and we're in a high-tech business, so we don't call it that any more. We wouldn't even if we could. So leave your message...
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 27
Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra": Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.
+++++++++++++++++++
Answering machine message 28
Rod Serling imitation: You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 16th
Pull Over!
"Hey, you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and she was fined seventy-five dollars for not wearing a seatbelt. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover: $75."
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One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remarks was "All I know is what I read in the papers." For many busy people, all they know is what they read in the headlines. The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story.Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline. The men and women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention. On top of that, each headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible.No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down, and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a red-face result.Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONEDEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLINGDEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCEASBESTOS SUIT PRESSEDDOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUITCOMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLYPOLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERSFLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOLHOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATEPOLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIATUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COASTMANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETINGIKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PATTWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNGU.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENTALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWDNATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLESMILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDERHALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILLSAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTEDFLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTEDQUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATERDRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASECOUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISHJUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATERMAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEESURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTSCARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICITCARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELPCARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT
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Optimism Wednesday, January 9, 2002
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was theirlooks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume neededto be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist,the other a doom and gloom pessimist.Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday, their fatherloaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. Theoptimist's room, he loaded with horse manure.That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found himsitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly."Why are you crying?" the father asked."Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all theseinstructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantlyneed batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered thepessimistic twin.Passing the optimistic twin's room, the father found him dancing forjoy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.To which his optimistic twin replied, "There's got to be a pony inhere somewhere!"
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Excuse notes received by teachers
Excuse notes received by teachers...Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.
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Things You Did Not Know
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.A snail can sleep for three years.All polar bears are left handed.American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.Butterflies taste with their feetCats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.China has more English speakers than the United States.Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants.Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.Leonardo da Vinci invented the scissors.Marilyn Monroe had six toes.No word in the English language rhymes with month.Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.Starfish haven't got brains.The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.Women blink nearly twice as much as men.And finally...You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
"Hey, you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and she was fined seventy-five dollars for not wearing a seatbelt. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover: $75."
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One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remarks was "All I know is what I read in the papers." For many busy people, all they know is what they read in the headlines. The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story.Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline. The men and women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention. On top of that, each headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible.No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down, and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a red-face result.Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONEDEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLINGDEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCEASBESTOS SUIT PRESSEDDOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUITCOMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLYPOLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERSFLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOLHOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATEPOLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIATUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COASTMANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETINGIKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PATTWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNGU.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENTALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWDNATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLESMILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDERHALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILLSAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTEDFLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTEDQUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATERDRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASECOUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISHJUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATERMAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEESURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTSCARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICITCARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELPCARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT
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Optimism Wednesday, January 9, 2002
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was theirlooks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume neededto be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist,the other a doom and gloom pessimist.Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday, their fatherloaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. Theoptimist's room, he loaded with horse manure.That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found himsitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly."Why are you crying?" the father asked."Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all theseinstructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantlyneed batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered thepessimistic twin.Passing the optimistic twin's room, the father found him dancing forjoy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.To which his optimistic twin replied, "There's got to be a pony inhere somewhere!"
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Excuse notes received by teachers
Excuse notes received by teachers...Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.
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Things You Did Not Know
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.A snail can sleep for three years.All polar bears are left handed.American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.Butterflies taste with their feetCats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.China has more English speakers than the United States.Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants.Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.Leonardo da Vinci invented the scissors.Marilyn Monroe had six toes.No word in the English language rhymes with month.Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.Starfish haven't got brains.The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.Women blink nearly twice as much as men.And finally...You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 16th
Pay Back
A husband and wife were having a quarrel over the breakfast table. The quarrel remained unresolved when it was time to leave for work.
The wife, having trouble with the zipper on her dress, asked for assistance. In a huff, the husband freed the zipper and then angrily ran it up and down rapidly several times.
That afternoon, when the wife returned from work, she saw him lying on his back with his hands and head under the car working on it. Still mad about what he had done that morning, she went over, grasped his zipper and yanked it up and down several times.
Stomping into the house, she found her husband drinking a cup of coffee at the kitchen table.
In great embarrassment, she explained to him what she had done.
He rushed outside to find his neighbor, who had offered to fix his car, out cold. When the wife had grasped his zipper, he had reflexively tried to sit up and had knocked himself out on the frame of the car.
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"Got Any Crackers"
A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any crackers? "
Bartender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?" bar tender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?"
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!"
Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?" bartender says no.
Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"
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Oneliner
"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"- Satchel Paige
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Don't Waste Words"
Larry was tall and laconic so, of course, he hated to waste words.
"Why use two? One will do," he was frequently heard to ask. People giving him simple conversation were likely to hear, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
This is a rapid way to lose friends, but Larry was unable to change his verbally sparse and alienating ways.
This irritating habit was expended on everyone. When repairs were necessary to his house, the service people were subjected to the same language truncations.
One day the kitchen garbage disposer plugged up and he had to call he plumber. The Yellow Pages indicated Jake The Plumber had a marvelous new piece of equipment to solve such problems, so Jake was called.
When Jake got to the house, he asked, "Where is your plumbing problem?"
Larry replied, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
Jake asked, "Where?" and Larry pointed to the problem.
Larry asked, "How much?"
Jake replied, "Well, usually kitchen drain unstopping costs $100, but..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"Fifty bucks."
"O. K."
Jake went out and brought in a large piece of equipment, attached a hose, and turned on a massive vacuum generator. Very quickly, the problem was solved.
Larry paid the bill, and as Jake was packing to leave, Larry asked, "How works?" and he pointed to the equipment.
Larry said, "Well, my apparatus generates a large vacuum, and..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"How many words?" asked Jake.
"Three, no more."
"O. K." Jake replied. "Sucked sink."
(By Alan B. Combs)
+++++++++++++++++++
What love’s about – Dan and his girl friend style.Dan ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries, one drink and unwrapped the plain hamburger, carefully cutting it in half.He placed one half in front of his girlfriend. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his girlfriend.He took a sip of the drink, his girlfriend took a sip and then set the cupdown between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, thepeople around them kept looking over and whispering.You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table, politely offering to buy another meal for the old couple. Old Dan said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her lover eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy anothermeal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we areused to sharing everything."As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"She answered, "THE TEETH."
+++++++++++++++++++
Photo ApologyPhotographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken."You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took your picture, I was ten years younger."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Airport News”
A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As he waved back, Dad said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" the boy shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man's son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
+++++++++++++++++++
Where Is God ?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessivelymischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Classmates?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "In 1952." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"
A husband and wife were having a quarrel over the breakfast table. The quarrel remained unresolved when it was time to leave for work.
The wife, having trouble with the zipper on her dress, asked for assistance. In a huff, the husband freed the zipper and then angrily ran it up and down rapidly several times.
That afternoon, when the wife returned from work, she saw him lying on his back with his hands and head under the car working on it. Still mad about what he had done that morning, she went over, grasped his zipper and yanked it up and down several times.
Stomping into the house, she found her husband drinking a cup of coffee at the kitchen table.
In great embarrassment, she explained to him what she had done.
He rushed outside to find his neighbor, who had offered to fix his car, out cold. When the wife had grasped his zipper, he had reflexively tried to sit up and had knocked himself out on the frame of the car.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Got Any Crackers"
A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any crackers? "
Bartender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?" bar tender says no.
Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?"
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!"
Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "Got any nails?" bartender says no.
Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"- Satchel Paige
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Don't Waste Words"
Larry was tall and laconic so, of course, he hated to waste words.
"Why use two? One will do," he was frequently heard to ask. People giving him simple conversation were likely to hear, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
This is a rapid way to lose friends, but Larry was unable to change his verbally sparse and alienating ways.
This irritating habit was expended on everyone. When repairs were necessary to his house, the service people were subjected to the same language truncations.
One day the kitchen garbage disposer plugged up and he had to call he plumber. The Yellow Pages indicated Jake The Plumber had a marvelous new piece of equipment to solve such problems, so Jake was called.
When Jake got to the house, he asked, "Where is your plumbing problem?"
Larry replied, "Too much, too long. Shorter."
Jake asked, "Where?" and Larry pointed to the problem.
Larry asked, "How much?"
Jake replied, "Well, usually kitchen drain unstopping costs $100, but..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"Fifty bucks."
"O. K."
Jake went out and brought in a large piece of equipment, attached a hose, and turned on a massive vacuum generator. Very quickly, the problem was solved.
Larry paid the bill, and as Jake was packing to leave, Larry asked, "How works?" and he pointed to the equipment.
Larry said, "Well, my apparatus generates a large vacuum, and..."
"Too much, too long. Shorter."
"How many words?" asked Jake.
"Three, no more."
"O. K." Jake replied. "Sucked sink."
(By Alan B. Combs)
+++++++++++++++++++
What love’s about – Dan and his girl friend style.Dan ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries, one drink and unwrapped the plain hamburger, carefully cutting it in half.He placed one half in front of his girlfriend. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his girlfriend.He took a sip of the drink, his girlfriend took a sip and then set the cupdown between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, thepeople around them kept looking over and whispering.You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table, politely offering to buy another meal for the old couple. Old Dan said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her lover eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy anothermeal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we areused to sharing everything."As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"She answered, "THE TEETH."
+++++++++++++++++++
Photo ApologyPhotographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken."You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took your picture, I was ten years younger."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Airport News”
A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As he waved back, Dad said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" the boy shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man's son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
+++++++++++++++++++
Where Is God ?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessivelymischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
Classmates?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "In 1952." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Monday, October 15, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 15th
Are you a true elementary school teacher?
Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out: 1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home? 2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table? 3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends? 4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes? 5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?" 6. Do you say "I like the way you did that!" to the mechanic who repairs your car to your satisfaction? 7. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction? 8. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book? 9. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything? 10. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth? -If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling. -If you answered yes to 7 or more, well, maybe it's TOO MUCH in your soul--you should probably think about retirement. -If you answered yes to all 10, forget it--you'll ALWAYS be a teacher, retired or not!
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Miracle Cure"
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
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CleanQuote
"Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Responsibility" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kitchen TableMy son had absentmindedly left his sneakers on our kitchen table. "That's disgusting," my husband yelled. "Doesn't he realize that we eat off that table?"Then he went back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home, I couldn't set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a carburetor.
+++++++++++++++++++
"They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington D.C.
President Bush apparently was a little confused... he par-
doned a lasagna." -Dave Letterman
***
"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being
criticized for being out of touch because in a recent
interview he talked about strengthening our relationship
with the Soviet Union, which of course, no longer exists.
Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake, and he plans
to personally apologize to Stalin." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the
increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said
they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines
improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you
how to make your business run more efficiently?" -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the
same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in
the company directory and sent him a message.
When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back
another e-mail:
"I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that
noticeable!"
His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo,
had read:
"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut
that looked like you in the cafeteria."
+++++++++++++++++++
Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she
and her husband were struggling with a big decision on
whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole
congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a
decision about the missionary position."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cops and Robbers
Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening, she
was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're
dead." She slumped to the ground, and when she didn't get up
right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt
in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened
one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only
chance I've had to rest all day."
+++++++++++++++++++
Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
He's only interested in one thing
A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class. The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.
+++++++++++++++++++
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
+++++++++++++++++++
It's just that simple.
"So, where is today's joke?"
This is it. No joking. Please laugh anyway.
Now that all of that is out of the way, read on for some shameless self
promotion.
Are you a true elementary school teacher? Let's find out: 1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home? 2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table? 3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends? 4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes? 5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time?" 6. Do you say "I like the way you did that!" to the mechanic who repairs your car to your satisfaction? 7. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction? 8. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book? 9. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything? 10. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth? -If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling. -If you answered yes to 7 or more, well, maybe it's TOO MUCH in your soul--you should probably think about retirement. -If you answered yes to all 10, forget it--you'll ALWAYS be a teacher, retired or not!
+++++++++++++++++++
Miracle Cure"
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Responsibility" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kitchen TableMy son had absentmindedly left his sneakers on our kitchen table. "That's disgusting," my husband yelled. "Doesn't he realize that we eat off that table?"Then he went back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home, I couldn't set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a carburetor.
+++++++++++++++++++
"They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington D.C.
President Bush apparently was a little confused... he par-
doned a lasagna." -Dave Letterman
***
"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being
criticized for being out of touch because in a recent
interview he talked about strengthening our relationship
with the Soviet Union, which of course, no longer exists.
Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake, and he plans
to personally apologize to Stalin." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the
increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said
they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines
improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you
how to make your business run more efficiently?" -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the
same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in
the company directory and sent him a message.
When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back
another e-mail:
"I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that
noticeable!"
His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo,
had read:
"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut
that looked like you in the cafeteria."
+++++++++++++++++++
Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she
and her husband were struggling with a big decision on
whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole
congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a
decision about the missionary position."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cops and Robbers
Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening, she
was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're
dead." She slumped to the ground, and when she didn't get up
right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt
in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened
one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only
chance I've had to rest all day."
+++++++++++++++++++
Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
He's only interested in one thing
A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class. The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.
+++++++++++++++++++
High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
+++++++++++++++++++
It's just that simple.
"So, where is today's joke?"
This is it. No joking. Please laugh anyway.
Now that all of that is out of the way, read on for some shameless self
promotion.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 14th
Better Cure
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bathroom Exasperation"
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged.
"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Want Ad: Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks "frog."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Votes"
"In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes."
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding TicketA lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?""Yes, I do, officer," she replied."Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Elephant Offer”
Two businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch. One of them says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for only $3,000."
The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in an end table. So why would I buy an elephant?"
The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."
"Well then," said the other, "now you're talking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave
me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything."
-George Wallace
***
"The 'Heartbreak Kid' opened today. It's a comedy about a
guy that gets married and then regrets it. Hilarious. That's
not comedy to me — that's a documentary." -Craig Ferguson
***
"A new survey found that the country with the highest number
of contented citizens in the world is Mexico. Apparently,
this is because everybody who was unhappy in Mexico has moved
to Los Angeles." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
wife and her husband attended a very important business
party thrown by her boss where the husband may have had one
or two more than he should have.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her
husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and
totally irresistible to all women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.
"Then what gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned
about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.
"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"
"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"
"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told
you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his
birth certificate 'Thomas.'
This boy I want to name Jack."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad Day
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink
for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps
next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker
says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy
between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and
was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When
I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I
don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after
the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.
At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog
bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage
to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
poison!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing chess with a dog
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Signs That You're At A Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den. 9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit. 10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
+++++++++++++++++++
I'll trust you that you paid
Dan walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says Dan. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." Dan then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, and meets Vern, and tells him how to get free drinks. Vern hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," Vern responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good, either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician, "I can cure pneumonia."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bathroom Exasperation"
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband.
"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged.
"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Want Ad: Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks "frog."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Votes"
"In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes."
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding TicketA lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?""Yes, I do, officer," she replied."Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Elephant Offer”
Two businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch. One of them says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for only $3,000."
The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in an end table. So why would I buy an elephant?"
The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."
"Well then," said the other, "now you're talking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave
me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything."
-George Wallace
***
"The 'Heartbreak Kid' opened today. It's a comedy about a
guy that gets married and then regrets it. Hilarious. That's
not comedy to me — that's a documentary." -Craig Ferguson
***
"A new survey found that the country with the highest number
of contented citizens in the world is Mexico. Apparently,
this is because everybody who was unhappy in Mexico has moved
to Los Angeles." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
wife and her husband attended a very important business
party thrown by her boss where the husband may have had one
or two more than he should have.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her
husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and
totally irresistible to all women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.
"Then what gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned
about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.
"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"
"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"
"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told
you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his
birth certificate 'Thomas.'
This boy I want to name Jack."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad Day
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink
for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps
next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker
says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy
between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and
was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When
I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I
don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after
the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.
At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog
bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage
to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the
poison!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing chess with a dog
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Signs That You're At A Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den. 9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit. 10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
+++++++++++++++++++
I'll trust you that you paid
Dan walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says Dan. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." Dan then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, and meets Vern, and tells him how to get free drinks. Vern hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," Vern responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
+++++++++++++++++++
Saturday, October 13, 2007
hUMOLR For Oct 13th
The Art Collector
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hillary Clinton has proposed that 5,000 dollars be given to
every baby born in America. Five thousand dollars! Here's a
chance for Kevin Federline to make some real money. He could
get 30, 40 grand right there." -Jay Leno
***
"This week, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was the
victim of identity theft. By the time police arrested the
thief, he had already passed three ordinances and dedicated
a museum." -Conan O'Brien
***
"There's an article in Parade magazine encouraging Ben
Affleck to run for president. That would mean the first
lady would be Matt Damon." -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first would you
marry again?"
"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but
I think eventually I would remarry."
"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house?"
"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home.
There is no reason to abandon it."
"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"
"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."
"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"
"Of course not! He's lefthanded!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"You know Bill O'Reilly is in a little bit of trouble with the black folks. ... He had dinner in Harlem with Al Sharpton -- he must have lost a bet -- and he discovered that black people use utensils when they eat. He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant and a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently, they both serve crackers" --Bill Maher "Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'" --Seth Meyers "The Democrats had a very big week this week. They tacked a hate crimes bill onto the war spending bill. ... Apparently, attacks on gays, they said, is also actually terrorism. I don't have time to explain how this bill works, but next year, General Petraeus will be eligible for a Tony." --Bill Maher "During a speech at Columbia University Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. As proof, he pointed out that the Iranian version of the Village People are just some people who live in a village." --Seth Meyers "The president of Iran was the laughing stock of the world this week when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, when he got on his Iranian airways jet to fly back home, the male flight attendant didn't speak to him the whole way. ... That's a pretty awful place to be gay. Did you know homosexuals are executed in Iran? ... But only if a homosexual act either between two men or two women is witnessed by four or more other men. That shows you the difference in our culture. ... Like in Iran, two women having sex witnessed by four men, that's called a capital crime. See, here, that would be called a bachelor party." --Jay Leno "In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno "Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you how to make your business run more efficiently?" --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Dictionary of More Performance Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept. Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work. Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes. Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer. Listens well: Has no ideas of his own. Not a desk person: Did not go to college. Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use. Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors. Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life. Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn. Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors. Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
+++++++++++++++++++
Overloaded
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Questions
A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks how much the barrister's rates are. The lawyer says fifty dollars for three questions. The man asks, "Isn't that awfully expensive" "Yes," the lawyer replies, "what's your third question?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Grandma Geek
My grandmother is a computer geek. She also has trouble
remembering quickly sometimes. One day she couldn't think of
what she wanted to tell us.
Mom explained, "Your grandma is trying to retrieve the
information, but it is taking awhile. Evidently she hasn't
defragmented her hard drive lately."
+++++++++++++++++++
Chief Norman Elgin witnessed the following during one of his inspections of CB Central Fire Barn, Brother Dan. Don’t you long for the old days and working with your fireman buddies doing things like flying model planes in the fire station, gourmet cooking, electric football games and getting cats out of trees?
Firefighter Dan is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. Fireman Dan walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," Dan says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl said. Fireman Dan looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," Dan says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, butthen, I wouldn't have a siren."
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hillary Clinton has proposed that 5,000 dollars be given to
every baby born in America. Five thousand dollars! Here's a
chance for Kevin Federline to make some real money. He could
get 30, 40 grand right there." -Jay Leno
***
"This week, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was the
victim of identity theft. By the time police arrested the
thief, he had already passed three ordinances and dedicated
a museum." -Conan O'Brien
***
"There's an article in Parade magazine encouraging Ben
Affleck to run for president. That would mean the first
lady would be Matt Damon." -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first would you
marry again?"
"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but
I think eventually I would remarry."
"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house?"
"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home.
There is no reason to abandon it."
"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"
"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."
"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"
"Of course not! He's lefthanded!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"You know Bill O'Reilly is in a little bit of trouble with the black folks. ... He had dinner in Harlem with Al Sharpton -- he must have lost a bet -- and he discovered that black people use utensils when they eat. He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant and a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently, they both serve crackers" --Bill Maher "Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'" --Seth Meyers "The Democrats had a very big week this week. They tacked a hate crimes bill onto the war spending bill. ... Apparently, attacks on gays, they said, is also actually terrorism. I don't have time to explain how this bill works, but next year, General Petraeus will be eligible for a Tony." --Bill Maher "During a speech at Columbia University Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. As proof, he pointed out that the Iranian version of the Village People are just some people who live in a village." --Seth Meyers "The president of Iran was the laughing stock of the world this week when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, when he got on his Iranian airways jet to fly back home, the male flight attendant didn't speak to him the whole way. ... That's a pretty awful place to be gay. Did you know homosexuals are executed in Iran? ... But only if a homosexual act either between two men or two women is witnessed by four or more other men. That shows you the difference in our culture. ... Like in Iran, two women having sex witnessed by four men, that's called a capital crime. See, here, that would be called a bachelor party." --Jay Leno "In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno "Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you how to make your business run more efficiently?" --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Dictionary of More Performance Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas. Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept. Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work. Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes. Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer. Listens well: Has no ideas of his own. Not a desk person: Did not go to college. Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use. Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors. Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life. Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn. Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors. Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
+++++++++++++++++++
Overloaded
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Questions
A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks how much the barrister's rates are. The lawyer says fifty dollars for three questions. The man asks, "Isn't that awfully expensive" "Yes," the lawyer replies, "what's your third question?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Grandma Geek
My grandmother is a computer geek. She also has trouble
remembering quickly sometimes. One day she couldn't think of
what she wanted to tell us.
Mom explained, "Your grandma is trying to retrieve the
information, but it is taking awhile. Evidently she hasn't
defragmented her hard drive lately."
+++++++++++++++++++
Chief Norman Elgin witnessed the following during one of his inspections of CB Central Fire Barn, Brother Dan. Don’t you long for the old days and working with your fireman buddies doing things like flying model planes in the fire station, gourmet cooking, electric football games and getting cats out of trees?
Firefighter Dan is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. Fireman Dan walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," Dan says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl said. Fireman Dan looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," Dan says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, butthen, I wouldn't have a siren."
Friday, October 12, 2007
hUMOR For Oct 12th
Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz
Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?" The man says, "No, he's out playing golf." Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz." "He's not with the firm any more, he's retired." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month." "Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz." He says, "Speaking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You Have Still Had Too Much Coffee When...
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug *You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee *You've worn the finish off you coffee table *The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you *Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house *You're so wired you pick up FM radio *Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans" *Instant coffee takes too long *You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can *You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar" *Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position *Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
+++++++++++++++++++
After our friend Tom had been a temporary bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of
doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
+++++++++++++++++++
Why are Firetrucks Red ?Firetrucks have four wheels and eight men. Four and eight make twelve.There are twelve inches in a foot. Rulers are a foot long. Queen Elizabeth II is a ruler and is also the name of the largest ship that sails the seven seas. Seas have fish and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians and the Russians are red. Firetrucks are always Russian therefore firetrucks are red.
+++++++++++++++++++
Biblical Sacrifice
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
+++++++++++++++++++
Anniversary CitationDriving home after working late the other day, I was stopped by a police officer for speeding. I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary, which was the truth.However, instead of being let off with a warning, the officer said, "Congratulations!" and then proceeded to write out the ticket. As he handed it to me, he said, "The first year is paper, right?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A System of Taps
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
+++++++++++++++++++
To Pun Is Human
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. - He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. - Every calendar's days are numbered. - A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. - A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. - He had a photographic memory that was never developed. - A plateau is a high form of flattery. - The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
+++++++++++++++++++
How Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."
+++++++++++++++++++
Correction
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
+++++++++++++++++++
Puns Are The Lowest Form of Humor
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. - Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. - Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. - When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. - Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. - Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. - Acupuncture is a jab well done. - Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
+++++++++++++++++++
Men are good for only one thing!
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"
Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?" The man says, "No, he's out playing golf." Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz." "He's not with the firm any more, he's retired." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month." "Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz." He says, "Speaking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You Have Still Had Too Much Coffee When...
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug *You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee *You've worn the finish off you coffee table *The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you *Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house *You're so wired you pick up FM radio *Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans" *Instant coffee takes too long *You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can *You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar" *Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position *Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
+++++++++++++++++++
After our friend Tom had been a temporary bachelor for
several weeks, we stopped by his home to visit him. My wife
asked if he was eating properly. "Well, I do eat a lot of
dog food," Tom told her.
"Dog food!" my wife exclaimed, horrified. "I can't believe
you would be eating anything like that!"
"Come to the kitchen and I'll show you," Tom replied.
Opening the refrigerator door, he waved his hand at a row of
doggie bags from half of the restaurants in town.
+++++++++++++++++++
Why are Firetrucks Red ?Firetrucks have four wheels and eight men. Four and eight make twelve.There are twelve inches in a foot. Rulers are a foot long. Queen Elizabeth II is a ruler and is also the name of the largest ship that sails the seven seas. Seas have fish and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians and the Russians are red. Firetrucks are always Russian therefore firetrucks are red.
+++++++++++++++++++
Biblical Sacrifice
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
+++++++++++++++++++
Anniversary CitationDriving home after working late the other day, I was stopped by a police officer for speeding. I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary, which was the truth.However, instead of being let off with a warning, the officer said, "Congratulations!" and then proceeded to write out the ticket. As he handed it to me, he said, "The first year is paper, right?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A System of Taps
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
+++++++++++++++++++
To Pun Is Human
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. - He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. - Every calendar's days are numbered. - A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. - A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. - He had a photographic memory that was never developed. - A plateau is a high form of flattery. - The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
+++++++++++++++++++
How Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."
+++++++++++++++++++
Correction
Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline "Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog." The broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. The following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, "Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jumping on Beds
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?" He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."
+++++++++++++++++++
Puns Are The Lowest Form of Humor
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. - Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. - Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. - When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. - Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. - Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. - Acupuncture is a jab well done. - Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
+++++++++++++++++++
Men are good for only one thing!
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"
Thursday, October 11, 2007
hUMOR For 11th
Viola Humor
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?' The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.' 'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?' The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!'
+++++++++++++++++++
20 Tons of Canaries
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something: 1. Make sure the man is conscious. 2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section. 3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max. 4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover. 5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. 6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings.""Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy. "I have no idea what that means."The little girl nodded and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Burglar and Vicar"
A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money."
The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container."
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Neighbors" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
You Know You Live in a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cruise QuestionsTop Ten of the Silliest Questions Asked by Cruise Ship Passengers(by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for Royal Caribbean Cruise Line)10. Do these steps go up or down?9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?5. Does the ship make its own electricity?4. Is it salt water in the toilets?3. What elevation are we at?2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays themthe next day ... the question asked ... If the pictures aren't marked,how will I know which ones are mine?1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms
without falling into her hands." --Ambrose Bierce
***
Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they
usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or
two.
***
"If I ever got divorced, on the singles scene I'd be worth
about as much as an eight-track at a garage sale."
--Robert G. Lee
+++++++++++++++++++
When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would
be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed
to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I
eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but
nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months
pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband
shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' in on the port
side!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and
walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored
paint," he says.
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a
canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to
win."
"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals
in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if
you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts
ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay,
but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vultures With Luggage
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they
could make the trip south, so they decided to go by
airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that
they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check
the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?' The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.' 'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?' The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!'
+++++++++++++++++++
20 Tons of Canaries
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something: 1. Make sure the man is conscious. 2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section. 3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max. 4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover. 5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. 6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
+++++++++++++++++++
Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings.""Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy. "I have no idea what that means."The little girl nodded and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Burglar and Vicar"
A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money."
The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container."
+++++++++++++++++++
Illustration - "Neighbors" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
You Know You Live in a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cruise QuestionsTop Ten of the Silliest Questions Asked by Cruise Ship Passengers(by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for Royal Caribbean Cruise Line)10. Do these steps go up or down?9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?5. Does the ship make its own electricity?4. Is it salt water in the toilets?3. What elevation are we at?2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays themthe next day ... the question asked ... If the pictures aren't marked,how will I know which ones are mine?1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms
without falling into her hands." --Ambrose Bierce
***
Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they
usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or
two.
***
"If I ever got divorced, on the singles scene I'd be worth
about as much as an eight-track at a garage sale."
--Robert G. Lee
+++++++++++++++++++
When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would
be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed
to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I
eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but
nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months
pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband
shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' in on the port
side!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and
walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored
paint," he says.
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a
canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to
win."
"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals
in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if
you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts
ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay,
but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vultures With Luggage
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they
could make the trip south, so they decided to go by
airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that
they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check
the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
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