hUMOR For Aug 16th

As a language teacher, I usually award certificates of merit
to deserving students. One year I decided to change the
format of the certificates and use a seal stamped with my
initials.

I called a number of places to buy sealing wax, but they all
had identical reactions...a long silence followed by an
apology for not having any in stock.

On my last call there was the silence, but then the salesman
asked, "Why ceiling as opposed to floor?"

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New Employee Orientation

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech
company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says,
"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you;
however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to him?"

The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to
the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating
Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice
anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

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Those who don't know
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!

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Tree Fellers Wanted
Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted." One of them said, "Ye know, it

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Two lawyers were negotiating a case ...
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “let's be honest with each other.” “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

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CIA Job
A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

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The 'Rules of Southern Living' are as follows!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4 They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8 Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age or looks. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore
than we want to see your boxers!

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Three Day SilenceMy wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!""What's the matter?" I asked."There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.""That'll teach them!" I replied.

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"The latest rumor is that Angelina Jolie threw a glass of
wine in Brad Pitt's face during an argument, and they're
thinking of splitting up. If that happens, she'll get the
kids from Asia, Europe, and Australia; he gets the kids
from Africa, South America, and Greenland." -Conan O'Brien

***

"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming
out. It's called 'Intimately Beckham.' Apparently, it's a
delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete's foot."
-Craig Ferguson

***

"On this date in 1888, Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving
door. So, you have him to thank for New York's criminal
justice system." -Dave Letterman

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My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and
marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding
what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister
asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to
be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

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Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan,
I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form
was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the
emergency room within the next three months?"

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Dancing Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"Oh?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

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Where's Mommy?

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did
Mommy go?"

In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a
Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled,
he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?"

The man had always given his son honest answers, so he
figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.
"Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of
ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious
pastime.

Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad!
What is it really?"

hUMOR For Aug 15th

hUMOR For Aug 14th

I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was, you
could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at
its destination in two days. Now you put a thirty-nine-cent stamp on a
letter and it can take five to six weeks to arrive. It's still only a penny
a day.

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A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his
glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil
knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?" asks the girl.

"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"

The girl says, "That's French toast."

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A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her
birthday, but even what she's going to exchange it for.

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"Jury Excuse"
"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man.
"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.
"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."
"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."

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Today is the first day of the rest of your life but so was yesterday and
look how you messed that up.

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The Hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

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Responsibility
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant, telling his wife she needs to be more responsible about her belongings. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

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Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms. The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five. The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?" "I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."

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Backup
A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."

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"The shuttle Endeavor is preparing for an 11-day mission next
week. Or as the astronauts call it, 'Road trip! Road trip!'"
-Jay Leno

***

"Bad day for Brangelina. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. There
is a rumor that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up.
Here's my big chance! Call me Brad!" -Craig Ferguson

***

"Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President
Bush is furious and said, 'That's ridiculous - everyone knows
the North Pole is owned by Santa.'" -Conan O'Brien

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Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work in
Southern California, I usually wear several items to protect
myself, including safety glasses, dust mask, and cowboy hat
to keep the sun off.

One day as I walked into our shop at lunchtime, a co-worker
called out, "Look! It's the Lawn Ranger!"

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My wife is still mad at me over a teensy misunderstanding
that occurred when our baby was born. She called me at work
and said her water had broken.

And I said, "So, call the plumber."

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"Collateral"
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

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Oneliner
"Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance"

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CleanPun - "Confiscation"
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

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ShakespeareLibrarian to college football player: "May I help you?""I have to read a play by Shakespeare.""Which one?""William."

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”Guardian Angel”
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further."
She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.
She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further."
She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"
Yes! shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

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"The big story in Washington D.C... not the war in Iraq, not
Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare... the
big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing
a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States
is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13."
-Jay Leno

***

"Russia sent a fleet of mini submarines down to the floor
of the Atlantic and they planted a flag at the North Pole.
I guess in the old days, you could plant a flag and you
could own things. But then they invented lawyers and every-
thing changed." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"This week, a group of Mexican officials crossed the border
into Texas to see how the U.S. handles immigration enforce-
ment. As soon as the Mexican officials arrived, they yelled,
'Suckers!' and headed for Los Angeles." -Conan O'Brien

hUMOR For Aug 13th

Traffic Light
A woman driving in Brooklyn stopped her car for a red light. However, when the light turned green again, she just stayed right where she was. When the light had changed several times and she still hadn't moved, the traffic policeman finally went over to her and inquired politely, "What's the matter, lady, ain't we got no colors you like?"

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The Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) - In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. - Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. - Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears. - Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. - The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. - Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. - Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. - Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. - The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. - Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments. - The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. - The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery". - Moses died before he ever reached Canada. - Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. - The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. - David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

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Dog's life
My wife agrees that I do indeed lead a "dog's life". The way she puts it though is: "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and expects to be fed."

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Egg Humor
Question: If a rooster laid an egg on the top of a barn, which way would it roll? Answer: Neither, roosters don't lay eggs. Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?Answer: Because the rooster egged her on. Question: Did you hear the one about the egg?Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be! Question: Why can't you tease egg whites?Answer: They can't take a yolk. Knock, Knock!Who's there?Omelette.Omelette who?Omelette smarter than I look! Question: What do you call an egg that goes on safari?Answer: An eggs-plorer! Question: What do you call a city of 20 million eggs?Answer: New Yolk City! Question: What happens when you tell an egg a joke?Answer: It cracks up! Question: What do you get when you put a Tasmanian Devil in a chicken coop?Answer: Deviled eggs!

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Charlie, a regular at the local pub, walks in one day with four sticks of
dynamite strapped to his chest. The bartender looks at him and
yells"Charlie, why the heck do you have that dynamite strapped to your
chest?

Charlie answers, "You know that new guy who's been coming in all the time
lately? The one with the big mouth who's always arguing, and calling me
stupid, and poking me in the chest every time he makes a point? Well, he's
really got me mad! When he comes in here today, I'll show him. If he calls
me stupid and pokes me in the chest one more time, I'm going to blow his
hand off.

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My accountant father and my artist mother have very different views on
balancing a checkbook. Mom usually kept the checkbook, but when Dad retired,
he took over all the financial duties.

He was really taken aback when he looked over the checkbook and found only
dollar amounts recorded. It seems Mom hadn't
wanted to deal with any more math than she had to, so she'd eliminated the
cents from every check. She'd round up if the
partial dollar amounts were 50 cents or more and drop those under 50 cents.
Dad feverishly went through stacks of canceled
checks and registers, trying to correct her method.

The difference in seven years of dollars only? Sixteen cents.

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There's always at least one bolt on anything that's adjustable. It fits
whatever size wrench you don't have.

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Kid Surgery

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid Says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.

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Computer Power
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

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What was the problem
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

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More of The Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.) - Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. - When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. - Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager. - Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption. - St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. - Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you. - He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone". - It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. - The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles. - The epistles were the wives of the apostles. - One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. - St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. - A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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Lotto Winner
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

hUMOR For Aug 12th

Bunion Removal
I went to my podiatrist to have a bunion removed. When the treatment ended, I asked if another appointment would be necessary. He said,"No, but if you experience any discomfort, you should callous back."

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I know what I want to be...

A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned. At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades. She was brought back to earth when she continued, "I want to be a zamboni driver!"
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How blonde was she?

a.. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juicebox because it said "concentrate."b.. she put lipstick on her forehead because shewanted to make up her mind.c.. she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.d.. she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.e.. she tried to drown a fish.f.. she thought a quarterback was a refund.g.. she got locked in a grocery store and starved to deathh.. she tripped over a cordless phone.i.. she took a ruler to bed to see how long sheslept.j.. she asked for a price check at the dollar store.k.. she studied for a pretest.l.. she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.m.. when she heard that 90% of all crimes occuraround the home, she moved.n.. when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bustwice instead.o.. when she took you to the airport and saw a sign thatsaid "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
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Beethoven's Grave

A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where its coming from.
She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, Ludwig van Beethoven.Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her.By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music."Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!!"
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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden retriever: "The sun is out, the day is young and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?"Border Collie: "Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code."Lab: "Oh, me! Me! Pleeese let me change the bulb! Can I? Can I?"Rottweiler: "Make me"Old English Sheepdog: "Light bulb? I don't see a light bulb."Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is, how long will it be before I can expect light?"My Cat: "I prefer the dark"
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Pun-ishment

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.To write with a broken pencil is pointless.When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.The dead batteries were given out free of charge.If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.A will is a dead giveaway.Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.A backward poet writes inverse.In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.A calendar's days are numbered.A boiled egg is hard to beat.He had a photographic memory which was never developed.A plateau is a high form of flattery.Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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Doctor ... It hurts when I do this.

Comments on medical record statements:"The skin was moist and dry." - and hot and cold?"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." -quite the over-achieving turtle"The patient was in his usual state of good health untilhis airplane ran out of gas and crashed." - That will change things in a hurry"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead." - I would chose stock broker as well."When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room." - Don't we all hate when that happens?"She is numb from her toes down." - Not much of a problem then."The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately." - Pediatricians cry at weddings too
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Healthy CompetitionThe shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign,reading ... LOWEST PRICES.The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.

hUMOR For Aug 11th I think, maybe, could be does it matter?

"Confession" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our toy poodle's leash. Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"
"I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.

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Animal Weather Tips

To tell the weather, go to the back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
The CAT

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Stupidity BonusIt's the 1990's, and at this electronics manufacturer, all the factory IT systems run on a cluster of VAX minicomputers, says a technician working there."Each software engineer's log-in ID was his last name," tech says. "Thus, the jobs they ran on the computers would show in the process list with their names on them."That list is displayed when a particular system command is run. But the monitor command is very resource-intensive, and there's only one person who uses it except when absolutely necessary. That's the director of manufacturing IT, who runs it constantly."Why?" the systems administrator asks the director in a meeting. And the tech overhears the director whispering to his right-hand manager that he uses it to keep an eye on who's being productive.Tech is outraged. "This was not a fair measurement of productivity," he says. "An analyst running a data-crunching job would show up prominently on the director's screen, but an engineer developing real-time code on a piece of manufacturing equipment would never show up. Also, somebody who wrote shoddy code that took forever to run would be viewed in a more favorable light than somebody who wrote fast, tight code."As soon as the meeting was over, I went back to my desk and wrote a simple program that was nothing but an infinite loop. I then set myself up to be able to launch the command at lowest priority on any computer to run for a random amount of time."As a result, the tech's program only uses up idle CPU time -- but it always shows up at the top of the CPU-monitor list."Then I randomly launched the program on different computers in the cluster at different times," says the tech. "Especially evenings and weekends when I was working overtime and the director happened to be in as well. I made sure my idle loop was prominently appearing on his screen from several directions at once."For the entire time I worked for that division, I received stellar annual performance reviews. I also received higher-than-average merit pay increases each year."I always wonder how much of that was due to the busy little program."

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Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.The blonde started laughing.This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.This time the blonde laughed even harder.Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

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Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

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Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

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Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die?A: Alone.Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?A: Blow in her ear.Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?A: She drowns it.Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

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Boat troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

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Sounds

A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She
then went around the circle and asked each one a question.

"Davey, what sound does a cow make?"

Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"

"Alice, what sound does a cat make?"

Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"

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"It's so easy to blame others which is one of the reasons I enjoy doing
it." - Bill Muse

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Three-legged chicken
Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs. The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!" The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks." Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?" The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

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Another Definition of Marriage
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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Love
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." - Tim Allen

hUMOR For Aug 10th

"Mom," said the little Vernie, "Is it alright to say you are
going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of
water?"

"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."

"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."

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REVISED HITS
Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate agingbaby boomers.They include:1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver (one of my favorites)8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair11. Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone13. Abba--- Denture Queen14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore16. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again17. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To18. The Stones--- Jumping Hot Flash I've got Gas

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Football Wedding

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years
old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

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Cops Say the Darndest Things!
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through." #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." #14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?" #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?" #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." #2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!

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Something's Going Around the Convent
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'

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Excuses for the General
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

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Too Many Instructions
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

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A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming "Don't be ridiculous! I should
get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next
door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't
you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever
bought more than one eggplant."

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Little Vernie came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.

"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.

"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.

"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Vernie!"

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"It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all." -
James Thurber

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"I Always Wondered About That"
During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

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CleanQuote
"Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind."

hUMOR For Aug 9th

CopyrightReverend Wright writes rite – do you copy?
When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write Right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right. Right?

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My ForgetterIs your rememberer broke?
My forgetter's getting better,But my rememberer is brokeTo you that may seem funnyBut, to me, that is no joe-k...For when I'm 'here' I'm wonderingIf I really should be 'there'And, when I try to think it through,I haven't got a prayer!Oft times I walk into a room,Say “what am I here for?”I wrack my brain, but all in vain!A zero, is my score.At times I put something awayWhere it is safe, but, Gee!The person it is safest fromIs, generally, me!When shopping I may see someone,Say “Hi” and have a chat,Then, when the person walks awayI ask myself, “who was that?”Yes, my forgetter's getting betterWhile my rememberer is broke,And it's driving me plumb crazyAnd that isn't any joke.Can you relate?Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!

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Indian WifeHorsing around with a repetitive pony in the Wild West
An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.He replied, “Wife Name - Three Horse.”“That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?”“It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag.”

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Going Nowhere in IrelandWhen A to B isn't the same as B to A...'Train-ing' for a long Irish ride
A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. “About two hours,” says the conductor.“Okay,” says the drunkard, “then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?”The irate conductor says to the drunk, “It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?”“Well,” says the drunk, “it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!”

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How Hot Is It?It's so hot in Gatineau, Quebec that...
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk. The trees are whistling for the dogs. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. You can say 100 degrees without fainting. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. You can make instant sun tea. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 90, you feel a bit chilly. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.Hot water now comes out of both taps. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

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"Mouse Repellant"
A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse repellant, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellant. He told her that it worked on every thing from mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"

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The Idiot
One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay.
It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride.
It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.
My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."
"What do you want to know?" I responded.
"Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are YOU ever the idiot?"

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”8-Iron”
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.
Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He maintains his positive attitude and grabs his 8-iron proceeding down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. He trudges diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton which has obviously been lying near an old golf ball for a number of years.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Better throw me my 7-iron! Something tells me I won't be getting out of here with an 8-iron."
Here is today's PearlyGates item - ”Dentist Extras”
The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Miller turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey."

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What Don't You have?An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says, "I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, ear-aches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs.....""Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things ... what DON'T you have?"The man answers, "Teeth."

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"Disney announced that they're banning smoking from all their
movies. Which means they won't be buying the scripts I wrote.
I wrote a script for Disney called 'Smoke-ahontas'. And
another one, the follow-up, 'Cigarella.'" -Craig Ferguson

***

"More bad news today for John McCain. John McCain's media
team has resigned. But McCain says he intends to stay in the
race, according to the campaign's new media spokesman, John
McCain." -Jay Leno

***

"Happy birthday to the governor of California Arnold Schwarz-
enegger. Sixty years old today. And to celebrate, natives on
Skull Island tossed him a blonde." -Dave Letterman

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During my senior year at university, the wife of one of my
professors gave birth to twins. Now the father of four pre-
schoolers, my professor looked more and more haggard as the
days went by, and his forgetfulness increased.

One day, several weeks after the birth, he arrived in class
late and announced he had some bad news. He couldn't find
the midterm papers we had written weeks before.

"But, sir," said a student, "you gave those midterms back
last class."

"I did?" Our weary professor replied. "Well, how did you do
on them?"

hUMOR For Aug 8th

MENSA ConventionMENSA is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a MENSA Convention in San Francisco and several members lunched at a local cafe.While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for MENSA!The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution."Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker...""Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." So she unscrewed the caps of both and switched them.

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"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is
one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conver-
sationalist is one who talks to you about yourself."
-Lisa Kirk

***

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The
lesson is, never try." -Homer Simpson

***

"I've had people ask me if I were shipwrecked on a deserted
island, and could only have one book, what would it be? I
always say 'How to Build a Boat.'" -Steven Wright

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"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief
of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here
with his lovely wife, Beverly."

The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little
nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished
audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as
I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey,
and explain Beverly to her!"

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While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was
holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he
said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well,"
she said," go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added,
"I just bought it at the hardware store."

And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the
bus.

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Short one

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and
a dyslexic?

Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there really
is a dog.

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The Difference Between Men and Women
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then, there is silence in the car. To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs. And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their... "Fred," Martha says aloud. "What?" says Fred, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Fred. "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Fred. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says. "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Fred. "That way about time," says Martha. "Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Fred," she says. "Thank you," says Fred. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either. Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?" And that's the difference between men and women.

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Driver's Eye Test
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

+++++++++++++++++++

Where's Herman?
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

+++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher's Obituary
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

hUMOR For Aug 7th

HERE’S A DOUBLE DOSE OF hUMOR SINCE I WASN’T ABLE TO POST ANY YESTERDAY.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gabie-isms

Some interesting contributions (Gabie-isms) from Julie Q's
five-year-old.

Said while walking into Walgreens drugstore.
"Man, when are they ever going to get around to painting
this place? The walls are still white -- not green!"

Gabie on the true meaning of President's Day:
"If we're gone on present's day will we still get the
presents?"

Gabie the mathematician:
Here's a new number I invented: Ten-ty. It's another word
for a hundred. Ten-ty is a little more than ninety.

Gourmet Gabie

Gabie: I'm going to make your sandwich today Mom. I have a
new recipe -- and you're really going to like it -- it's
called a peanut butter, honey, bologna, tuna sandwich.

Mom: Uh, sounds great Gabie, but I think I'm already making
my own sandwich, so I'll pass.

Gabie: But Mom it's not a pain to make at all. And it's my
yummiest sandwich ever. You might even get addicted to it.
That means you want it all the time.

Mom: (thinking there's little chance of developing a peanut
butter, honey, bologna, tuna addiction, but you never can be
too careful) No thanks Gabie.

Gabie (persistent as ever): If you like it you can make it
on your own. But you might need a little bit of help, so
I'll help you with it. I'm the only one who knows how much
to put in it. And which side to put the peanut butter on. It
has to go on a certain side.

Mom (half annoyed, half amused): Listen Gabriel, I don't
think I would like those ingredients together. Thanks for
offering, but I really truly do not want a peanut butter,
honey, bologna, tuna sandwich

Gabie: But how do you KNOW you won't like it if you've never
tried it?!?

[Help! He's using my own logic against me. It's hopeless. Do
I give in like a coward and let him make the darn sandwich,
take a few nibbles off the edges while he glows with pride
and then dispose of the rest when he trots off to watch
Sesame Street? You betcha.]

10 minutes into the drive to Arizona, from the back of the
van:
"Vacations are just like being home, only better."
[Sometimes I think Gabie is a walking t-shirt slogan.]

After getting a few cactus pricklies in his ankle:
"Mom, this injury is pretty serious. I think I'm going to
need a cast and a handicapped parking pass."

At the Body Worlds exhibit (where real human bodies are on
display for anatomical study):

Mom (pointing to another body and wondering if this was a
good place to bring a 5 year old, even if he is rather
precocious and really fascinated with the human body and
wants to be a doctor someday): So what do you think of this
one Gabie?

Gabie: I think that man was very unlucky.

Mom: Why was he unlucky?

Gabie: Because he's dead.

Later at the same exhibit:
"They'd better hurry up and finish with this man's body so
they can put it back in his grave where it belongs."

And the one I saved because I just should have seen it
coming but I didn't and it totally made me snort:

Gabie: Hey, lets all have some pudding.

Mom: Sorry buddy. We can't have pudding right now, it's
lunchtime.

Gabie: But I want some pudding. We could each have a
different flavor.

Mom: No Gabie. It's lunchtime.

Gabie: Oh, alright... Then can I choose what we have for
lunch?

Mom: Sure. What should we have for lunch?

Gabie: Pudding.

+++++++++++++++++++

Eating Healthy

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with different cuisine from all over the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver said, "No problem. Have at it." Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person." The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?" The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

+++++++++++++++++++


Oneliner
This is precisely the sort of thing that people who like this sort of thing will like.

+++++++++++++++++++

CleanPun - "Pullover Question"
Atlanta State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"

+++++++++++++++++++

Report CardVernon Allen Sr.to Vernie Allen after Vernie’s English exam: "Let me see your report card."Vernie replied "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

+++++++++++++++++++

"Comic-Con, the world’s largest comic book convention, starts
today in San Diego. It’s a four-day celebration of comics and
science fiction. Convention organizers are expecting 125,000
people this year. Three of those people are projected to be
female. Two of them are just moms dropping off their sons and
the other one's named Pat." -Craig Ferguson

***

"I read this in the paper today: A restaurant in West
Virginia is selling a 10-pound hamburger. It comes with
lettuce, tomato, and an organ donor card." -Jay Leno

***

"Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that
75 percent of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015.
But my fellow Americans, with a little team work, I think
we can do it by 2010. USA! USA!" -Conan O'Brien

+++++++++++++++++++

I went into the greasy spoon next to the office and ordered
a tuna on wheat. The waitress said, "Oh, I'm sorry, we're
out of wheat bread. You’ll have to have it on white."

The next day I went to the same place and ordered the same
tuna on wheat. Again she told me they were out of wheat,
I’d have to get it on white.

The third time I went there I decided to skip the step of
being refused the wheat and just ordered tuna on white. The
waitress looked up from her notepad and said, "Aren't you
the guy who usually orders it on wheat?"

+++++++++++++++++++

The big San Francisco earthquake occurred on April 18, 1906.
The accompanying fire caused more than 500 deaths. It was
the worst earthquake disaster in U. S. history as well as
the deadliest urban fire. A few years ago, when the big quake
hit the Los Angeles area, part of the damage included the
totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who had driven in
from out of state.

When he put in the claim to his insurance company, they re-
jected it. When asked why the claim was not covered, the
Insurance company said it was because the tourist had a no-
fault policy. Angry about the insurance company's decision,
the policyholder tried to start a citizen's organization to
fight this kind of rip-off from happening again. He called
it the San Andreas Fund.

However nothing came of it. Hardly anyone would contribute
to aid the fund in its efforts. The general feeling was that
charity is one thing, but this was being generous to a fault.

+++++++++++++++++++

Translation Oops

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use
a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted
to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little
early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for
ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to
the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at
the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.

When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up
and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had
offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood
him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said,
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."

One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the
entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that
he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

+++++++++++++++++++

What's for Dinner?
I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie." However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes. If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

+++++++++++++++++++

The Toaster Oven
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."

+++++++++++++++++++

Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

+++++++++++++++++++

The Coma
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. "When I got fired, you were there to support me." "When my business failed, you were there." "When I got shot, you were by my side." "When we lost the house, you stayed right here." When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."

+++++++++++++++++++

Quasimodo comes home from work one night and his wife has made a delicious
stir-fry.

"Great!" he says.

Next night he comes home from work, and it's stir-fry again.

"Just as delicious as last night," he says.

Next night, stir-fry again. "Tastes great, but I'm getting kind of sick of
stir-fry again," he says.

Next night, stir-fry again. "Listen," he says, "tomorrow make whatever you
want, as long as it's not stir-fry."

Next day he leaves work early, after asking an assistant to ring vespers for
him, so that he can catch her before she begins cooking. He walks in the
front door and there she is, taking the wok down off the rack.

"Aha!" he says. "You're going to make stir-fry again!"

"Don't be silly," she says. "I'm going to iron your shirts."


+++++++++++++++++++

"What do you mean by coming home half drunk?" screamed the angry wife.

"It's not my fault. I ran out of money," said the husband.

+++++++++++++++++++

"My father invented the burglar alarm - which unfortunately was stolen from
him." - Victor Borge

SPECIAL NOTICE

I am having eye surgery Monday Aug. 6th. At this time I am not sure how many days I will be unable to post daily hUMOR, but I assure you it won't be long

Dan

hUMOR For Aug 5th

"Beware of the young doctor and the old barber." Benjamin Franklin

+++++++++++++++++++

Spelling Information
"Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

+++++++++++++++++++

That's Not It
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

+++++++++++++++++++

Ethical Dilemma
A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

+++++++++++++++++++

Buddha
Knock Knock! Who's there?Buddha.Buddha who?Buddha this slice of bread for me

+++++++++++++++++++

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at
the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as
she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different
ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."

+++++++++++++++++++

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church
saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful
person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon
reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my
preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."

+++++++++++++++++++

"Arabs and Jews should settle their differences like good Christians." -
Warren Austin, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations in 1948

+++++++++++++++++++

"Tournament Weather"
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!

+++++++++++++++++++

"The former mayor of Newark, N.J., has been indicted on
corruption charges. If he's found guilty he'll have to serve
five years in prison, or 10 years in Newark." -Conan O'Brien

***

"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be
the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the
bottom." -Jay Leno

***

"So many riders in the Tour de France have been tossed out
because of drugs, the overall leader is the delivery guy
from Empire Szechuan." --Dave Letterman

+++++++++++++++++++

A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in
particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots
something of interest. A book with a very interesting
title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."
So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1 The First Date."

He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes
out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out
for quite a while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She
answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would
want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He
gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she
didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should be finished
eating by then."

+++++++++++++++++++

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory
prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are
but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned
over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl
voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

+++++++++++++++++++

Through the years I've noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that
really belongs to cold feet.

+++++++++++++++++++

Stuffed Pockets
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?" "At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly, "They have bowls of it."

+++++++++++++++++++

A Common Bum
A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."

+++++++++++++++++++

Two doilies
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

+++++++++++++++++++

Keep Your Seat
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

hUMOR For Aug 4th

A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large
bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had
lost sight of her child. "Reid!" she called out, noticing
the boy was missing. "Reid!"

Just as she spotted her son in the next aisle, she bumped
into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but
most folks come here because they already like to read. No
sense wasting your time trying to convince them."

+++++++++++++++++++

The Third Biggest Lie
Ann Landers challenged her readers to come up with the world's third-biggest lie -- right after "The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received: - "It's a good thing you came in today. We only have two more in stock." - "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height." - "You made it yourself? I never would have guessed." - "Of course I'll respect you in the morning." - "You don't look a day over 40." - "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study." - "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite." - "The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same." - "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I promise I'll take care of it myself." - "Your hair looks just fine." - "Put away the map. I know exactly how to get there." - "You don't need it in writing. You have my personal guarantee."

+++++++++++++++++++

The Good Old Days
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

+++++++++++++++++++

Misstep
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for my child. My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

+++++++++++++++++++

Need a Haircut

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get
up and leave during the middle of his message. The man
returned just before the conclusion of the service.

Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I
went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the
service started?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

+++++++++++++++++++

A key ring is a gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

+++++++++++++++++++

Slow LeakThe right front tire on my car had a slow leak. I took it to the shop where I bought the tire, and they promptly removed the wheel and immersed it in a big tub of soapy water. This showed the leak was in a cracked wheel rim rather than the tire.I drove to the dealership for a new wheel rim, and they asked,"Which wheel?"I replied, "The clean one!"

+++++++++++++++++++

The Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

+++++++++++++++++++

Tunnels
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode." Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment. "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?" "No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts." "Tell me! What is it?" "You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

+++++++++++++++++++

Field Test
My father, an Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station. When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook my father's hand. “Don't congratulate me, sir,” my father said modestly as he pointed to his driver. “It was all the sergeant's doing.” The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. “Congratulations,” he said. “The major's wife just had a baby girl.”

+++++++++++++++++++

Everything's Ducky
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.

+++++++++++++++++++

Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will
go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some of them:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't.
--Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by
brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a
hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment

+++++++++++++++++++

A little while after my mother was widowed, it became apparent that she was
unable to open the garage door by herself. Being the macho man that I am,
I've decided to install an automatic door for her. I worked very hard on my
project. Very proud of my achievement, I gave the remote control to my
mother and said, "Here, Mom, you open it."

After she gingerly pressed the button, the garage door slowly started to
move upwards, making the usual chug-chug-chug sound.

All of a sudden, the chugging was interrupted by a loud "Squeal! Yelp!
Yelp!!" Bewildered, we looked under the garage door. Standing on its hind
legs and frantically waving front paws was the family mutt. My mother tied
the poor dog to the garage door's handle.

Instead of lowering the door, my mother tried to free the almost-hanging
pooch from his collar, the remote control firmly clutched in her hand. I was
rolling on the grass laughing. I finally wrestled the remote from my mother,
lowered the garage door and freed the dog.

hUMOR For Aug 3rd

A Rare Book

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it."Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector."Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.
+++++++++++++++++++

From: Jerry Neal, jerrydneal@sbcglobal.net
Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables). Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you). Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray). Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews). Q: How do you study the Bible?A: You Luke into it.

+++++++++++++++++++

Q. How do we know that the disciples were very cruel to the corn?A. Because they pulled its ears.
From: Doglass Daniel, doglassdaniel@hotmail.com
Little Bobby: Mom, why was nothing said about the other persons that Jesus raised from the dead together with Lazarus?Mom: Oh dear, now were did you learn that there were other persons? It was only Lazarus.Little Bobby: But mom, every time I read that verse I cannot help but assume that there were at least four persons.Mom: Now why would you assume something like that?Little Bobby: 'Cause Lazarus came fourth (forth)! Terri asked her Sunday school class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent."The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot. Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman? A: By his net income. Q: What's the first sign of football in the Bible? A: Jesus going for the cross. Q: Why were Peter, Andrew James and John the best letter writers? A: Because as fishermen they learned to drop a line.

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Q. Why should we be encouraged by the story of Jonah and the whale?A. Because Jonah was down in the mouth, but came out all right.Q: Why couldn't Jonah trust the ocean? A: Because he know there was something fishy about it. Q: Why could Jonah be eaten by the big fish? A: He was one of the "minor prophets"!Jonah's song: "Got a Whale of a Tale"

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Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A: David - he rocked Goliath to sleep. Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot? A: The thought had never entered his head before. Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath? A: No, he already fell for it once.

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Attending To BusinessLegal signs of the times...
A lawyer parked his car in front of City Hall and left the sign: “Attorney inside attending to business” on his windshield.When the lawyer returned, he found this notice on the car: “Policeman outside attending to business.”

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UPHow do non-natives learn English nuances?
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is “UP.”It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election, and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word 'UP' in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.A guy at work was all stressed out - said he was fed UP.A Texas rancher looked at his horse and said, “Giddy UP.”One guy thought I was too loud - he told me to shut UP.I went to a casino and the dealer told me to UP my ante, then his boss came over and said, “Ante UP!” I almost told him to “Put UP” or “Shut UP.”I'll wrap it UP - my time is UP... no more to put here so I'll give UP!

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Hot-Headed GolferA hot-headed golfer with a penchant for breaking clubs was playing one day when he came to the 16th hole, where he faced an approach shot across a ravine.He said to his caddie, "What kind of distance do we have, son?"The caddie replied, "About 135, sir.""My 6 iron, please," said the hothead.His caddie replied, "It's going to have to be either a 3 iron or 3 wood, sir. That's all that's left in the bag!"


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"As God said in the bible, and I think rightly..." -Prime
Minister Margaret Thatcher

***

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for
investment in the radio in the 1920s

***

"What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with
a chimp, could have a future in politics?" -Ronald Reagan
commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel.

[However, my personal opinion is that the "Every Which Way"
movies were much superior to the "Bonzo" movies.]

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Following are a few gems taken from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require pre-
scription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't
let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity,
and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come
cheap."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me
nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the ap-
plication of more rarefied facets of financial management as
the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."