Sister Logical
Logic for your Catholic friends...
[There were two nuns - one of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was
known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent...]
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives...
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: Logically he reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bicycle Accidents"
In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work.
So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden; it is forbidden because it is hurtful."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Heaven"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
+++++++++++++++++++
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I
can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2
weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a
water hose the past 2 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been
getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the
mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue
Service."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Trouble with grammar have I, yes." - Yoda
+++++++++++++++++++
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see
accountants on my operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are
the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer
than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head
and tail are interchangeable."
Received from CMZitzer.
+++++++++++++++++++
We are all in the Process-Good therapy to laugh at one's self
tHIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM A NEWSLETTER-The story is told of two elderly ladies who had been friends for many decades and had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities were limited to a few times a week to play cards. One day, as they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her in fact, for three minutes just sat and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 9th
I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to
have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Oil on Fish"
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Be different; Conform."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cardboard"
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Birthday Gift"
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Goats
A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that
aren't producing?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
After much careful research it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay
Gogh.
have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Oil on Fish"
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Be different; Conform."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cardboard"
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Birthday Gift"
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Goats
A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that
aren't producing?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
After much careful research it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay
Gogh.
Monday, January 08, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 8th
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned
had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
+++++++++++++++++++
Watch what you say about me. After all, you're talking about the one I love.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Year’s Recipe
New Year’s lifestyle recipe 4U...
Take 12 whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate and jealousy. Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into 28, 30 or 31 different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day 1 part of Faith, 1 part of Patience, 1 part of Courage and 1 part of Work.
Add to each day 1 part Hope, Faithfulness, Generosity and Kindness.
Blend with 1 part Prayer, 1 part Meditation and 1 Good Deed.
Season the whole with a dash of Good Spirits, a sprinkle of Fun, a pinch of Play and 1 cup full of Good Humour . Pour all of this into a vessel of Love.
Cook thoroughly over Radiant Joy, garnish with a Smile, and serve with Quietness, Unselfishness, and Cheerfulness.
Makes 1 pleasant year.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
--------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
--------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~-------
-------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------
-------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned
had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
+++++++++++++++++++
Watch what you say about me. After all, you're talking about the one I love.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Year’s Recipe
New Year’s lifestyle recipe 4U...
Take 12 whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate and jealousy. Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into 28, 30 or 31 different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day 1 part of Faith, 1 part of Patience, 1 part of Courage and 1 part of Work.
Add to each day 1 part Hope, Faithfulness, Generosity and Kindness.
Blend with 1 part Prayer, 1 part Meditation and 1 Good Deed.
Season the whole with a dash of Good Spirits, a sprinkle of Fun, a pinch of Play and 1 cup full of Good Humour . Pour all of this into a vessel of Love.
Cook thoroughly over Radiant Joy, garnish with a Smile, and serve with Quietness, Unselfishness, and Cheerfulness.
Makes 1 pleasant year.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
--------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
--------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~-------
-------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------
-------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
Sunday, January 07, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 7th
It was announced today that Bertelsmann (BMG) will be purchasing the
Columbia House music club. While terms weren't announced, analysts believe
Bertelsmann will pay one penny, along with the promise to buy twelve
additional companies at a later date.
+++++++++++++++++++
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the
utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house.
They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No
way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee
and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain
terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid
electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way
document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot
for the pole.
I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home
from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of
my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a
hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I
drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid
to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in
the middle of my driveway.
+++++++++++++++++++
"The federal government has asked that people not return to New Orleans yet
because the city still is not safe. The government then went on to say the
same thing about Detroit, Cleveland and Newark." - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Report
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said,
'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things
really began to happen fast."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PHILOSOPHY OF TAXES
Tax his land, tax his pay,
Tax his bed where he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirt,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
COMMENTS: Not one of the below taxes existed 100 years ago when there was prosperity, absolutely no national debt, the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?????
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal,
State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
Columbia House music club. While terms weren't announced, analysts believe
Bertelsmann will pay one penny, along with the promise to buy twelve
additional companies at a later date.
+++++++++++++++++++
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the
utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house.
They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No
way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee
and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain
terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid
electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way
document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot
for the pole.
I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home
from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of
my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a
hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I
drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid
to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in
the middle of my driveway.
+++++++++++++++++++
"The federal government has asked that people not return to New Orleans yet
because the city still is not safe. The government then went on to say the
same thing about Detroit, Cleveland and Newark." - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Report
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said,
'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things
really began to happen fast."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PHILOSOPHY OF TAXES
Tax his land, tax his pay,
Tax his bed where he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirt,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
COMMENTS: Not one of the below taxes existed 100 years ago when there was prosperity, absolutely no national debt, the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?????
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal,
State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 6th
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned
had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
+++++++++++++++++++
Watch what you say about me. After all, you're talking about the one I love.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Year’s Recipe
New Year’s lifestyle recipe 4U...
Take 12 whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate and jealousy. Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into 28, 30 or 31 different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day 1 part of Faith, 1 part of Patience, 1 part of Courage and 1 part of Work.
Add to each day 1 part Hope, Faithfulness, Generosity and Kindness.
Blend with 1 part Prayer, 1 part Meditation and 1 Good Deed.
Season the whole with a dash of Good Spirits, a sprinkle of Fun, a pinch of Play and 1 cup full of Good Humour . Pour all of this into a vessel of Love.
Cook thoroughly over Radiant Joy, garnish with a Smile, and serve with Quietness, Unselfishness, and Cheerfulness.
Makes 1 pleasant year.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
--------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
--------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~-------
-------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------
-------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned
had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
+++++++++++++++++++
Watch what you say about me. After all, you're talking about the one I love.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Year’s Recipe
New Year’s lifestyle recipe 4U...
Take 12 whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate and jealousy. Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into 28, 30 or 31 different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day 1 part of Faith, 1 part of Patience, 1 part of Courage and 1 part of Work.
Add to each day 1 part Hope, Faithfulness, Generosity and Kindness.
Blend with 1 part Prayer, 1 part Meditation and 1 Good Deed.
Season the whole with a dash of Good Spirits, a sprinkle of Fun, a pinch of Play and 1 cup full of Good Humour . Pour all of this into a vessel of Love.
Cook thoroughly over Radiant Joy, garnish with a Smile, and serve with Quietness, Unselfishness, and Cheerfulness.
Makes 1 pleasant year.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
--------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
--------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~-------
-------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------
-------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
Friday, January 05, 2007
hUMOR For Jan 4th
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is
all you have done since you graduated." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is
all you have done since you graduated." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
hUMOR For Jan 4th
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all
of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells,
"BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you
understand why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Zoo Thank You"
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally receives thank you notes from members of school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
The "problem" with today's society, is that; (no one) knows how, to punctuate correctly, anymore?
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tigers"
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.
+++++++++++++++++++
2007 Contract
After serious and cautious consideration...
your contract of friendship has been
renewed for the year 2007!
It was a very hard decision to make.
So try not to screw it up!!!
My wish for you in 2007
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become magnets for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires, may happiness slap you
across the face and may your tears be only those of joy.
May the problems you have forget your home address!
In simple words....
May 2007 be the best year of your life!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
OH DEARA
Hi,
I was shopping at Safeway and noticed a little old lady following me around.
I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.
She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
I answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store", it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom!!"
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me.
Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much??? .. I only bought 5 items!!.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
NOT A VERY NICE JOKE, IS IT??? or is it??
Stuck in Traffic
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of
Washington.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his
window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" What's the
hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson,
Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100 million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on
fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon. And three people have offered matches!"
of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells,
"BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you
understand why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Zoo Thank You"
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally receives thank you notes from members of school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
The "problem" with today's society, is that; (no one) knows how, to punctuate correctly, anymore?
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tigers"
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.
+++++++++++++++++++
2007 Contract
After serious and cautious consideration...
your contract of friendship has been
renewed for the year 2007!
It was a very hard decision to make.
So try not to screw it up!!!
My wish for you in 2007
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become magnets for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires, may happiness slap you
across the face and may your tears be only those of joy.
May the problems you have forget your home address!
In simple words....
May 2007 be the best year of your life!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
OH DEARA
Hi,
I was shopping at Safeway and noticed a little old lady following me around.
I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.
She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
I answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store", it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom!!"
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me.
Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much??? .. I only bought 5 items!!.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
NOT A VERY NICE JOKE, IS IT??? or is it??
Stuck in Traffic
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of
Washington.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his
window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" What's the
hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson,
Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100 million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on
fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon. And three people have offered matches!"
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
hUMOR for Jan. 3rd
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is
all you have done since you graduated." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
+++++++++++++++++++
Judge-mental Lawyers
Judge not, want not – unless you’re a lawyer…
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
“You, attorney Memory, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hargraves, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Memory.
“Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Forgive me now, tomorrow I might not feel so guilty.
+++++++++++++++++++
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mother And Child"
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. ''What on earth,'' she inquired of the artist standing nearby, ''is that?''
He smiled condescendingly. ''That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.''
''Well, then,'' snapped the little old lady, "Why isn't it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Adventures of Ole & Lena
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart
And fell to the sidewalk.
Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk
On Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for
Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and
Said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them
To Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the
Return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot
Let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
Load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any
Idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last
Year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How
Long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll
Yust take DA bus."
+++++++++++++++++++
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had
Charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your
Wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a
While I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know DA difference
Between a Norwegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he
Grumbled, "Vell, Deere gose five dollars down DA drain for dat
Flight insurance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if DA turn
Signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were
Nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling,
Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice
In the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering
His condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it?
Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like
To say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first
Five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O. K.
You put, Ole died ,. Boat for sale"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had
Brought along bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long,
Dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun
Bite and vent blind!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks
Later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it "Oh," said Ole, "I
Persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't
Sing."
Ole and Len a went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench
A lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
+++++++++++++++++++
And dot's enough!!
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is
all you have done since you graduated." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
+++++++++++++++++++
Judge-mental Lawyers
Judge not, want not – unless you’re a lawyer…
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
“You, attorney Memory, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hargraves, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Memory.
“Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Forgive me now, tomorrow I might not feel so guilty.
+++++++++++++++++++
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mother And Child"
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. ''What on earth,'' she inquired of the artist standing nearby, ''is that?''
He smiled condescendingly. ''That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.''
''Well, then,'' snapped the little old lady, "Why isn't it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Adventures of Ole & Lena
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart
And fell to the sidewalk.
Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk
On Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for
Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and
Said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them
To Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the
Return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot
Let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
Load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any
Idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last
Year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How
Long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll
Yust take DA bus."
+++++++++++++++++++
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had
Charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your
Wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a
While I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know DA difference
Between a Norwegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he
Grumbled, "Vell, Deere gose five dollars down DA drain for dat
Flight insurance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if DA turn
Signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were
Nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling,
Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice
In the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering
His condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it?
Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like
To say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first
Five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O. K.
You put, Ole died ,. Boat for sale"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had
Brought along bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long,
Dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun
Bite and vent blind!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks
Later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it "Oh," said Ole, "I
Persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't
Sing."
Ole and Len a went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench
A lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
+++++++++++++++++++
And dot's enough!!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
hUMOR For Jan 2nd
The old man was always telling his grandson about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
Monday, January 01, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 1st
Quit Smoking Resolution
New Year’s resolution to kick a smoking habit…
A young man at a New Year’s Eve party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” the man says. “Right now, I’m in the middle of phase one. I’ve quit buying.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Nothing To Correct on New Year’s Day
Looking for flaws to correct this New Year’s Day?
On New Year’s Day, some years ago,
I swore off alcohol;
And, one year later, I eschewed
Pipes, cigarettes, et al.
The next, I quit profanity
As something not too nice.
And then abandoned slot machines,
Card games, roulette and dice.
Thus curing faults each year, I reached
A state of such perfection
That I have not a single flaw
Now calling for correction.
But New Year’s Day is now for me
A ruined Institution;
For what is New Year’s Day without
A New Year’s resolution?
+++++++++++++++++++
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests,
would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own
hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a
response to equal four-year old David's comment.
She tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart.
"Listen, she said, what do you suppose that is?"
He looked up at her, puzzled. Then his face broke out in a happy grin and
asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"
+++++++++++++++++++
While at church attending Sunday services, an elderly couple had the
following whispered conversation.
"I just silently passed some gas, what do you think I should do?" asked the
wife.
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not
lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly
does not lead to doing much of anything." - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A little late, but………………………
A Letter from Santa
Dear Vernie,
I am writing in reply to your letter dated November 18th of this year. I
will start by saying that future correspondence regarding Christmas requests
should be postmarked before midnight on November 15th to insure
consideration before December 24th. Please keep in mind that this is a busy
time of year for my staff and myself and we like to have all orders filled
before our November 15th deadline as we begin loading the sleigh on the
16th.
Your request to have "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" cannot be
processed at this time. I am but one man and as "magical" as I am, this is
not a request that I can fulfill. I do not have any pull at the United
Nations or NATO and I am not in the business of enforcing peace throughout
the world. I can assure you however, that any persons involved in the act of
prohibiting "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" will receive sticks
for Christmas. Coal is no longer distributed as it is now a valued commodity
and distribution of this substance could be construed as a true and real
gift.
In the future, please limit your requests to tangible items, i.e., bicycles,
candy, rocking horses etc. Because there is limited space on the sled and
because the sled is only powered by eight tiny reindeer, I respectfully ask
that you not request new cars or houses as these requests will not be
granted. I hope you understand that I must be able to fit gifts for the
entire world into the sled.
Also, requests for cash will not be granted. The items I deliver are
handmade by elves and it would be in violation of the laws of all nations to
manufacture currency. I'm sure you realize that I am not going to put my
staff or myself in a position that would result in incarceration.
If you would like to submit a revised request, please feel free to do so.
All requests are honored on a first come, first serve basis and will be
filled only if time permits. If your request cannot be accommodated this
season, it will be submitted at the top of next season's list.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho,
Santa Clause
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel.
We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Top Ten Gift Comments"
What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*.
10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"
9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"
8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"
7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"
6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"
5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"
4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"
3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"
2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"
And the number one thing to say about the Christmas gifts you didn't like is: "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"There's only two more days to procrastinate before Christmas."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Drinks"
Physiology: The study of carbonated drinks.
New Year’s resolution to kick a smoking habit…
A young man at a New Year’s Eve party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” the man says. “Right now, I’m in the middle of phase one. I’ve quit buying.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Nothing To Correct on New Year’s Day
Looking for flaws to correct this New Year’s Day?
On New Year’s Day, some years ago,
I swore off alcohol;
And, one year later, I eschewed
Pipes, cigarettes, et al.
The next, I quit profanity
As something not too nice.
And then abandoned slot machines,
Card games, roulette and dice.
Thus curing faults each year, I reached
A state of such perfection
That I have not a single flaw
Now calling for correction.
But New Year’s Day is now for me
A ruined Institution;
For what is New Year’s Day without
A New Year’s resolution?
+++++++++++++++++++
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests,
would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own
hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a
response to equal four-year old David's comment.
She tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart.
"Listen, she said, what do you suppose that is?"
He looked up at her, puzzled. Then his face broke out in a happy grin and
asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"
+++++++++++++++++++
While at church attending Sunday services, an elderly couple had the
following whispered conversation.
"I just silently passed some gas, what do you think I should do?" asked the
wife.
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not
lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly
does not lead to doing much of anything." - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A little late, but………………………
A Letter from Santa
Dear Vernie,
I am writing in reply to your letter dated November 18th of this year. I
will start by saying that future correspondence regarding Christmas requests
should be postmarked before midnight on November 15th to insure
consideration before December 24th. Please keep in mind that this is a busy
time of year for my staff and myself and we like to have all orders filled
before our November 15th deadline as we begin loading the sleigh on the
16th.
Your request to have "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" cannot be
processed at this time. I am but one man and as "magical" as I am, this is
not a request that I can fulfill. I do not have any pull at the United
Nations or NATO and I am not in the business of enforcing peace throughout
the world. I can assure you however, that any persons involved in the act of
prohibiting "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" will receive sticks
for Christmas. Coal is no longer distributed as it is now a valued commodity
and distribution of this substance could be construed as a true and real
gift.
In the future, please limit your requests to tangible items, i.e., bicycles,
candy, rocking horses etc. Because there is limited space on the sled and
because the sled is only powered by eight tiny reindeer, I respectfully ask
that you not request new cars or houses as these requests will not be
granted. I hope you understand that I must be able to fit gifts for the
entire world into the sled.
Also, requests for cash will not be granted. The items I deliver are
handmade by elves and it would be in violation of the laws of all nations to
manufacture currency. I'm sure you realize that I am not going to put my
staff or myself in a position that would result in incarceration.
If you would like to submit a revised request, please feel free to do so.
All requests are honored on a first come, first serve basis and will be
filled only if time permits. If your request cannot be accommodated this
season, it will be submitted at the top of next season's list.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho,
Santa Clause
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel.
We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Top Ten Gift Comments"
What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*.
10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"
9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"
8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"
7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"
6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"
5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"
4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"
3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"
2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"
And the number one thing to say about the Christmas gifts you didn't like is: "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"There's only two more days to procrastinate before Christmas."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Drinks"
Physiology: The study of carbonated drinks.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 31st
The old man was always telling his grandson about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
Saturday, December 30, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 30th
Good Singer"
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
Friday, December 29, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 29th
"Kind Word"
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Have you ever had the experience of parking in a one-hour zone, inserting the coins, than finding yourself, forty-five minutes later, still in line at the bank? At such times, you might suddenly find religion, and fervently pray that you will make your meter."
- Victor Blume
+++++++++++++++++++
"Visitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill.
After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
+++++++++++++++++++
As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store, I noticed a car with
its headlights on. I jotted down the make, color and license number.
Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk, and when it was
my turn, I told the clerk that there was a green Ford in the parking lot
that had its lights on and gave her the license number.
"Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer.
The gentleman next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going to
announce it?"
"There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That's my car."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dangling Participle Alert:
The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing
about 150 pounds.
The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.
Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud
that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that was
trying to force feed it in his ear.
We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows
playing Scrabble and reading.
Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants
armed only with spears.
+++++++++++++++++++
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Have you ever had the experience of parking in a one-hour zone, inserting the coins, than finding yourself, forty-five minutes later, still in line at the bank? At such times, you might suddenly find religion, and fervently pray that you will make your meter."
- Victor Blume
+++++++++++++++++++
"Visitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill.
After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
+++++++++++++++++++
As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store, I noticed a car with
its headlights on. I jotted down the make, color and license number.
Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk, and when it was
my turn, I told the clerk that there was a green Ford in the parking lot
that had its lights on and gave her the license number.
"Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer.
The gentleman next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going to
announce it?"
"There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That's my car."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dangling Participle Alert:
The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing
about 150 pounds.
The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.
Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud
that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that was
trying to force feed it in his ear.
We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows
playing Scrabble and reading.
Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants
armed only with spears.
+++++++++++++++++++
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Thursday, December 28, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 28th
Good Singer"
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 27th
VIP Impression
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All
production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
+++++++++++++++++++
It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact,
it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find
a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought
it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and
pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the
neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the
chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the
room, it's done.
+++++++++++++++++++
I've been collecting compliments all my life. So far I have three.
+++++++++++++++++++
Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have
thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite
and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she
asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
(This one is worth passing on.)
This one is for everyone who ..
A) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have
Kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having A wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
This," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in My mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed Staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All
production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
+++++++++++++++++++
It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact,
it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find
a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought
it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and
pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the
neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the
chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the
room, it's done.
+++++++++++++++++++
I've been collecting compliments all my life. So far I have three.
+++++++++++++++++++
Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have
thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite
and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she
asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
(This one is worth passing on.)
This one is for everyone who ..
A) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have
Kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having A wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
This," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in My mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed Staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 26th
*******************
I can't say that this was my most memorable Christmas, but it certainly is one that I won't soon forget.
My wife and I had just graduated from Bible College that year (1989) and were living in Toronto. We were hoping to observe Christmas Eve according to my side of the family's tradition. On Christmas Eve the Davis family would settle in at home and enjoy a nice spread of cold cuts, cheeses, and snack foods while enjoying each other's company, Christmas music, and the general ambiance of our decorated tree and lights. For Christmas Day we were planning to drive the hour and half north to my parent's home for Christmas dinner.
We were aware of a couple of individuals at the church, where I was the youth pastor, who would be alone on Christmas Eve. One of them was our neighbour next to the 6-plex in which we lived. Joe was a single American, in his forties, and living alone. The other individual was Stephen. Stephen was very new to Canada. A political refugee, he had just escaped Ghana, Africa, with his life and had no family in North America. Both Joe and Stephen accepted our invitation.
When it came time to gather together, Joe of course walked to our building to join us while I drove to pick up Stephen and bring him to our apartment.
As I went to pick him up I was beginning to feel a bit of a cold coming on, but figured I could fight it off if I just kept warm. It wasn't long before we were all together back at our apartment that we began to converse. It wasn't much later when Joe and Stephen began to argue about American foreign policy in Africa. Although I kept trying to change the subject to something a bit more festive, they kept returning to their argument - each pressing his own case more firmly and loudly. Eventually, I retreated within myself waiting for the chance to call it a night, take Stephen home, and go to bed as my cold was beginning to gain a foothold in my body.
Eventually, my wife and I had endured our guest's arguing long enough that it didn't seem rude when we thanked them for coming and wrapped up our time together. Joe walked home and I drove Stephen to his place - stopping at a gas station along the way to fill the slowly leaking right rear tire on my car. After returning home and parking the car, I glanced back and noticed my tire was now entirely flat thanks to ice that had gotten into the tire valve stem when refilling it. Returning to our apartment I told my wife I would be in the parking lot out back changing the tire on the car. Noticing that I now had a headache and was running a low-grade fever, I put on some extra layers of clothing to try to survive the automotive ordeal that awaited.
Once outside in the bitterly cold Christmas Eve night, I wrestled with the stupid, tiny jack that came with our car in order to get the stupid, flat tire off our car so I could put the stupid, little, tiny spare tire that came with our car on our car to hold that corner barely off the ground. At some point during all of that, and as my body temperature began to grow along with what was now flu like symptoms, my wife appeared at the back door of our building.
She informed me that my mother had called and that a family member, who was expected for Christmas dinner the next day, had had too much to drink the day before. As it turned out, after he was removed from directing traffic in the downtown of my hometown, he promptly emptied the contents of his stomach and in the process of cleaning up, flushed his brand new dentures down the toilet. Mom's request was that I look in our storage area for my grandfather's teeth, which were with some other things in a box from the funeral home that had buried him. The plan was that we would loan the teeth to this relative so they could chew Christmas dinner with us. At this point my wife, two months pregnant and with a very queasy stomach, added her own input and stated that if I did find Grandpa's teeth, and loan them out, that she herself might not be able to eat Christmas dinner.
After finishing changing the tire, and taking the flat indoors, so the ice in the valve stem could melt, the tire be re-inflated and changed again on Christmas morning, I spent the rest of Christmas Eve in the dingy basement of our building, with my head pounding, my body reeling from a fever, while I rifled and shuffled through boxes looking for Grandpa's teeth - which I never did find to the relief of my wife.
None of those events have anything to do with what makes Christmas truly memorable for me, but just the same, I'll not soon forget Christmas 1989.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with
friends.
+++++++++++++++++++
"At Home"
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Eskimo Dinner"
What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A few years ago, our local paper asked for submissions about our most memorable Christmas. I submitted the following and it was one of the winning entries. Two years have passed since I last shared it here on the PearlyGates list so I thought I would run it again. – Pastor Tim
+++++++++++++++++++
Laundry Rules
Pajamas -- Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes
after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you
do not get dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be
worn many times before they smell bad enough to
warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception:
You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw
up on them or something else that may be deemed
disgusting, but only if they stink.
Socks -- Unroll your socks before putting them in the
dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and
drying them in their original rolled up little balls.
Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down
the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of physics
causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind
the washer or dryer, and Mom is getting to old to
crawl back there and fish them out.
Clothes Hung Up -- Clean clothes can be easily removed
from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the
hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can
now be removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong
way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner
of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying
around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and
becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring
hangers. Special note: This makes Mom want to choke
children. So far, she has been able to refrain from
this action.
Dirty Clothes Rule -- If you have made the decision to
put something in the dirty clothes, do not later
decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve
it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving
behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped
through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing
worse than having to put stinking clothes in the
laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and
over.
Pockets -- Check your own pockets before you put dirty
items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the
laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces
of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes? No?
I thought not! But the next time this occurs, you will
have the pleasure of this experience. Special note: In
the future, all money found in pockets becomes the
property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly
will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a
Caribbean cruise, which she will go on alone. She has
heard that you don't have to do laundry while you are
on a cruise!
Folded Clothes Rule -- When those clean clothes
miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously
thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them
there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do
this in the future will result in a generous
contribution to the Goodwill.
General Dirty Clothes Rule -- If they aren't dirty,
why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them
back in your closet or drawers. When you decide to try
something on and decide that it will not make the
fashion statement you were looking for that particular
day, think twice before you make that conscious
decision that it is easier to throw the item in the
dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again,
the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their
fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
Laundry Sharing -- In the future, each of you will be
required to do one load of laundry a week.
Instructions will be provided. Mom feels that the joy
of this household chore should be shared, and she has
been very selfish about this in the past. She also
feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without
it, you may not ever want to leave home. This would
not be in the best interest of your parents.
+++++++++++++++++++
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious
situations and some equally stupid answers:-
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well, it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so
I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool
comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled
shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....
why don't you try again or should I try this time.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated
cement. We occasionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt
meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so
big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk
yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating,
insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at
Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was
betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you
think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently
shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects
in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I
bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now
it's in flames!!!
I can't say that this was my most memorable Christmas, but it certainly is one that I won't soon forget.
My wife and I had just graduated from Bible College that year (1989) and were living in Toronto. We were hoping to observe Christmas Eve according to my side of the family's tradition. On Christmas Eve the Davis family would settle in at home and enjoy a nice spread of cold cuts, cheeses, and snack foods while enjoying each other's company, Christmas music, and the general ambiance of our decorated tree and lights. For Christmas Day we were planning to drive the hour and half north to my parent's home for Christmas dinner.
We were aware of a couple of individuals at the church, where I was the youth pastor, who would be alone on Christmas Eve. One of them was our neighbour next to the 6-plex in which we lived. Joe was a single American, in his forties, and living alone. The other individual was Stephen. Stephen was very new to Canada. A political refugee, he had just escaped Ghana, Africa, with his life and had no family in North America. Both Joe and Stephen accepted our invitation.
When it came time to gather together, Joe of course walked to our building to join us while I drove to pick up Stephen and bring him to our apartment.
As I went to pick him up I was beginning to feel a bit of a cold coming on, but figured I could fight it off if I just kept warm. It wasn't long before we were all together back at our apartment that we began to converse. It wasn't much later when Joe and Stephen began to argue about American foreign policy in Africa. Although I kept trying to change the subject to something a bit more festive, they kept returning to their argument - each pressing his own case more firmly and loudly. Eventually, I retreated within myself waiting for the chance to call it a night, take Stephen home, and go to bed as my cold was beginning to gain a foothold in my body.
Eventually, my wife and I had endured our guest's arguing long enough that it didn't seem rude when we thanked them for coming and wrapped up our time together. Joe walked home and I drove Stephen to his place - stopping at a gas station along the way to fill the slowly leaking right rear tire on my car. After returning home and parking the car, I glanced back and noticed my tire was now entirely flat thanks to ice that had gotten into the tire valve stem when refilling it. Returning to our apartment I told my wife I would be in the parking lot out back changing the tire on the car. Noticing that I now had a headache and was running a low-grade fever, I put on some extra layers of clothing to try to survive the automotive ordeal that awaited.
Once outside in the bitterly cold Christmas Eve night, I wrestled with the stupid, tiny jack that came with our car in order to get the stupid, flat tire off our car so I could put the stupid, little, tiny spare tire that came with our car on our car to hold that corner barely off the ground. At some point during all of that, and as my body temperature began to grow along with what was now flu like symptoms, my wife appeared at the back door of our building.
She informed me that my mother had called and that a family member, who was expected for Christmas dinner the next day, had had too much to drink the day before. As it turned out, after he was removed from directing traffic in the downtown of my hometown, he promptly emptied the contents of his stomach and in the process of cleaning up, flushed his brand new dentures down the toilet. Mom's request was that I look in our storage area for my grandfather's teeth, which were with some other things in a box from the funeral home that had buried him. The plan was that we would loan the teeth to this relative so they could chew Christmas dinner with us. At this point my wife, two months pregnant and with a very queasy stomach, added her own input and stated that if I did find Grandpa's teeth, and loan them out, that she herself might not be able to eat Christmas dinner.
After finishing changing the tire, and taking the flat indoors, so the ice in the valve stem could melt, the tire be re-inflated and changed again on Christmas morning, I spent the rest of Christmas Eve in the dingy basement of our building, with my head pounding, my body reeling from a fever, while I rifled and shuffled through boxes looking for Grandpa's teeth - which I never did find to the relief of my wife.
None of those events have anything to do with what makes Christmas truly memorable for me, but just the same, I'll not soon forget Christmas 1989.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with
friends.
+++++++++++++++++++
"At Home"
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Eskimo Dinner"
What did the eskimos sing when they got there Christmas dinner?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A few years ago, our local paper asked for submissions about our most memorable Christmas. I submitted the following and it was one of the winning entries. Two years have passed since I last shared it here on the PearlyGates list so I thought I would run it again. – Pastor Tim
+++++++++++++++++++
Laundry Rules
Pajamas -- Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes
after only one wear. It is a scientific fact that you
do not get dirty while you sleep. Pajamas can be
worn many times before they smell bad enough to
warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception:
You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw
up on them or something else that may be deemed
disgusting, but only if they stink.
Socks -- Unroll your socks before putting them in the
dirty clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and
drying them in their original rolled up little balls.
Special note: Unroll socks before throwing them down
the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of physics
causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind
the washer or dryer, and Mom is getting to old to
crawl back there and fish them out.
Clothes Hung Up -- Clean clothes can be easily removed
from the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the
hanger and pulling towards you. The clean item can
now be removed from the hanger for wearing. The wrong
way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on one corner
of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying
around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and
becoming impossibly entangled with the neighboring
hangers. Special note: This makes Mom want to choke
children. So far, she has been able to refrain from
this action.
Dirty Clothes Rule -- If you have made the decision to
put something in the dirty clothes, do not later
decide that you, for some reason, now need to retrieve
it by digging through the clothes baskets, leaving
behind a mess that looks like a small tornado whipped
through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing
worse than having to put stinking clothes in the
laundry baskets is having to do it over and over and
over.
Pockets -- Check your own pockets before you put dirty
items (again, make sure they are dirty first) in the
laundry room. Have you ever tried to pick tiny pieces
of white paper off an entire load of dark clothes? No?
I thought not! But the next time this occurs, you will
have the pleasure of this experience. Special note: In
the future, all money found in pockets becomes the
property of the laundry-doer, and that most assuredly
will be Mom, who hopes to be able to save up for a
Caribbean cruise, which she will go on alone. She has
heard that you don't have to do laundry while you are
on a cruise!
Folded Clothes Rule -- When those clean clothes
miraculously appear on your bed or chair, graciously
thank the saintly person who lovingly placed them
there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special note: Failure to do
this in the future will result in a generous
contribution to the Goodwill.
General Dirty Clothes Rule -- If they aren't dirty,
why the heck are they in the laundry room? Put them
back in your closet or drawers. When you decide to try
something on and decide that it will not make the
fashion statement you were looking for that particular
day, think twice before you make that conscious
decision that it is easier to throw the item in the
dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again,
the Goodwill would love to have these items, as their
fashion standards must not be as high as yours.
Laundry Sharing -- In the future, each of you will be
required to do one load of laundry a week.
Instructions will be provided. Mom feels that the joy
of this household chore should be shared, and she has
been very selfish about this in the past. She also
feels that this is a necessary life skill, and without
it, you may not ever want to leave home. This would
not be in the best interest of your parents.
+++++++++++++++++++
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious
situations and some equally stupid answers:-
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well, it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so
I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool
comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled
shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....
why don't you try again or should I try this time.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated
cement. We occasionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt
meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so
big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk
yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating,
insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at
Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was
betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you
think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently
shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects
in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you, you tell me if I
bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now
it's in flames!!!
Monday, December 25, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 25th Merry Christmas
How the "Left" Stole Christmas
Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
See the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit Pushing
folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOT Happy Holiday!
###############
Holiday Eating Tips
Try not to become an eggnog-aholic this Christmas…
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips & start over… but hurry, January is just around the corner.
###############
"Christmas Eve"
Christmas Eve ---
by Ruth Sockett
I have not wrapped a present and the paper's disappeared.
The children are hysterical, they just found Santa's beard -
The baby ate a Christmas ball, there's eggnog in my tea
Daddy's chasing mistletoe, he swings from tree to tree.
Susan's changed her mind about the doll that walks and talks -
Now she wants a simple thing, a real live horse that talks.
I just got back my Christmas cards that gave me writer's cramps
I didn't forget a single soul, I just forgot the stamps.
So, Santa, when you do get here and find beneath the tree,
A poor lost soul without a mind, be nice, for it is me!!
+++++++++++++++++++
A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She
knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a
package of 50 cards without really looking at them.
Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading
the message inside.
On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come
across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49
of her friends.
Much to her dismay, it read like this:
"This card is just to say
A little gift is on the way."
Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.
+++++++++++++++++++
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the
Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who
brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to
tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the
very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way
back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!
And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet,
so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year. It's also on my Visa
statement twelve months a year.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: GIFT OF GIVING
The holiday season comes with lots and lots of rain
And just like the water, our money goes down the
drain.
But what would the season be, without the spirit of
living?
It would be like the world of the dead, without the
gift of giving.
For the ability to give is a gift, which came from
God, above;
HE gave his beloved son as a token of HIS undying
love.
And Jesus continued the gift by dying on Calvary
To save everyone who obeys him, every sinner just like
me.
Oh, that I may follow and imitate their blessed
example
That others may see in me a tiny bit of a sample
Of the greatness of God and HIS blessed son.
May others see and say, " In all, may HIS will be
done."
By L. B. Strawn
December 1, 1998
Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
See the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a "Holiday".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit Pushing
folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe's the word Christmas - was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny's and Sears
You won't hear the word Christmas; it won't touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate "Winter Break" under your "Dream Tree"
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, NOT Happy Holiday!
###############
Holiday Eating Tips
Try not to become an eggnog-aholic this Christmas…
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips & start over… but hurry, January is just around the corner.
###############
"Christmas Eve"
Christmas Eve ---
by Ruth Sockett
I have not wrapped a present and the paper's disappeared.
The children are hysterical, they just found Santa's beard -
The baby ate a Christmas ball, there's eggnog in my tea
Daddy's chasing mistletoe, he swings from tree to tree.
Susan's changed her mind about the doll that walks and talks -
Now she wants a simple thing, a real live horse that talks.
I just got back my Christmas cards that gave me writer's cramps
I didn't forget a single soul, I just forgot the stamps.
So, Santa, when you do get here and find beneath the tree,
A poor lost soul without a mind, be nice, for it is me!!
+++++++++++++++++++
A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She
knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a
package of 50 cards without really looking at them.
Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading
the message inside.
On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come
across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49
of her friends.
Much to her dismay, it read like this:
"This card is just to say
A little gift is on the way."
Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.
+++++++++++++++++++
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the
Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who
brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to
tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the
very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way
back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!
And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet,
so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year. It's also on my Visa
statement twelve months a year.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: GIFT OF GIVING
The holiday season comes with lots and lots of rain
And just like the water, our money goes down the
drain.
But what would the season be, without the spirit of
living?
It would be like the world of the dead, without the
gift of giving.
For the ability to give is a gift, which came from
God, above;
HE gave his beloved son as a token of HIS undying
love.
And Jesus continued the gift by dying on Calvary
To save everyone who obeys him, every sinner just like
me.
Oh, that I may follow and imitate their blessed
example
That others may see in me a tiny bit of a sample
Of the greatness of God and HIS blessed son.
May others see and say, " In all, may HIS will be
done."
By L. B. Strawn
December 1, 1998
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