The Basics of Islam........... Allah is a "Moon god" nothing more!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
Computers are superior to man. You never see one making a fool of himself at
the office Christmas party.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a
Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a
few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the
other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I
don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Shopping Remote"
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Before resolving to jog five miles a day, visit a cardiologist to have your heart examined, a podiatrist to have your feet examined and a psychiatrist to have your head examined. "
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Dog Pride"
My eccentric neighbor proudly showed me what appeared to be a dog. "It's unique," he explained, "part dog and part bull and it cost me a thousand."
"Which part is bull?" I asked.
He replied, "The part about the thousand."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Christmas treat appears below for faithful X – Files fans.
Vern
X – Files Christmas
We're too late! It's already been here. Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.
Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted,
transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the
chimney, with care.
You really think someone's been here?
Someone ... or something.
Mulder, over here it's a fruitcake.
Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."
It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Who? What are you talking about?
Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity that could travel at great speed
in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice,
this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers with gifts
and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite. But that's legend, Mulder
a story told by parents to frighten children.
Surely you don't believe it?
Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread
man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive and in a hurry.
It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely
drained.
It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Appeasement! Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding about the land.
But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked.
There's no sign of forced entry.
Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and
came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing
could get down there.
But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once as with a
shape-shifter?
You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was
visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its
ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the
horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial
features of my father.
Impossible.
I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato
Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head! I'm sorry, Mulder, but
you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some
supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls
and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If
this gets out, they'll close the X files.
Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake.
But we have no proof.
Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace
over twenty seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.
But that was a meteor shower.
Officially, that was their story. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer
vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody not even the
zookeeper was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about
Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will
stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets
will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives.
There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent
night.
Mulder, I
Sh h h. Do you hear what I hear?
Up on the roof. It … it sounds like ... a clatter.
The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
gHTii7ih
Evangelist Request
During a January revival, an evangelist asked the people in line what
they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist
spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
+++++++++++++++++++
This is the time of year when we think back to the very
first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar,
Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts;
gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological
fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said
so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of
paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty
the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but
Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is
nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth
his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the
paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that
the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is
because the people giving those gifts had two important
characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the
point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can
tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a
scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I
know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be
there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never
takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to
wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene
said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift
the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a
piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball
court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still
see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an
ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of
the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife,
like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a
symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife
would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,
when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item
on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design
on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped
in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must
be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip
the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one
of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive
visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what
you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during
this very special time of year, is that you save the
receipt.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Santa is always saying "Ho Ho Ho." Kind of makes you wonder what his
occupation is during the rest of the year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental--$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
During a January revival, an evangelist asked the people in line what
they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist
spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
+++++++++++++++++++
This is the time of year when we think back to the very
first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar,
Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts;
gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological
fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said
so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of
paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty
the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but
Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is
nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth
his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the
paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that
the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is
because the people giving those gifts had two important
characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the
point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can
tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a
scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I
know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be
there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never
takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to
wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene
said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift
the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a
piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball
court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still
see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an
ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of
the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife,
like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a
symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife
would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,
when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item
on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design
on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped
in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must
be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip
the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one
of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive
visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what
you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during
this very special time of year, is that you save the
receipt.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Santa is always saying "Ho Ho Ho." Kind of makes you wonder what his
occupation is during the rest of the year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental--$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 17th
Birthday Lawnmower
On my birthday I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home
from a baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh,
Dad, you shouldn't have to mow the lawn on your birthday." Touched, I
was about to turn the mower over to him when he added, "You should
wait until tomorrow!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
+++++++++++++++++++
Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going to the bar."
Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?"
Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to
sitting in a semi-circle." - Mitch Hedberg
+++++++++++++++++++
Question and Answer Christmas Jokes
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Microsoft Christmas
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first."
Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature."
Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
On my birthday I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home
from a baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh,
Dad, you shouldn't have to mow the lawn on your birthday." Touched, I
was about to turn the mower over to him when he added, "You should
wait until tomorrow!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
+++++++++++++++++++
Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going to the bar."
Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?"
Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to
sitting in a semi-circle." - Mitch Hedberg
+++++++++++++++++++
Question and Answer Christmas Jokes
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Microsoft Christmas
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first."
Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature."
Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 16th
Evangelist Request
During a January revival, an evangelist asked the people in line what
they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist
spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
+++++++++++++++++++
This is the time of year when we think back to the very
first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar,
Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts;
gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological
fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said
so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of
paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty
the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but
Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is
nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth
his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the
paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that
the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is
because the people giving those gifts had two important
characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the
point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can
tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a
scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I
know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be
there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never
takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to
wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene
said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift
the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a
piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball
court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still
see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an
ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of
the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife,
like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a
symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife
would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,
when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item
on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design
on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped
in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must
be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip
the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one
of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive
visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what
you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during
this very special time of year, is that you save the
receipt.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Santa is always saying "Ho Ho Ho." Kind of makes you wonder what his
occupation is during the rest of the year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental--$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
During a January revival, an evangelist asked the people in line what
they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist
spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
+++++++++++++++++++
This is the time of year when we think back to the very
first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar,
Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts;
gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological
fact: there is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said
so: "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of
paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty
the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but
Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is
nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth
his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the
paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that
the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is
because the people giving those gifts had two important
characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the
point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can
tear it off. This is not just my opinion, this is a
scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I
know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be
there when the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told
me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never
takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to
wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene
said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift
the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a
piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball
court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still
see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an
ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of
the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife,
like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a
symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife
would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,
when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item
on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design
on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped
in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must
be smoking crack. If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip
the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one
of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive
visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what
you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during
this very special time of year, is that you save the
receipt.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Santa is always saying "Ho Ho Ho." Kind of makes you wonder what his
occupation is during the rest of the year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental--$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Friday, December 15, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 15th
Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is
describing his new Playstation 2 to John.
"Where did you get that?" John asked.
"I got it last night for Hanukkah," said Stan.
"What's Hanukkah?" John asked.
"It's the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night
for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights."
"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaimed. The next day on
the way to school, John runs up to Stan, curious to see what
he got. He sees that Stan is upset. "What's wrong? Where's
your present from last night?" asks John.
Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper. "It was
leftovers night."
+++++++++++++++++++
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and
I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be
visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before
you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
+++++++++++++++++++
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very
specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall
or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige
and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of
tan-colored paper.
"Your name?" I asked.
"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter O'Malley. There's
nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's the way it is. We go through life
doing nothing for each other." - Gene Autry
+++++++++++++++++++
"Historical Application"
Steinberg needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications to get it. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview with the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the Sales Manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?" the manager asks.
"Oh yes, lots of it," replies Steinberg
"And you say you have a master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" the manager asks.
"That is correct," replies Steinberg. "American history is my field of study."
"Well, then," says the sales manager. "With these qualifications, as soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in our firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Steinberg, obviously pleased with himself, begins to look around the room. Steinberg notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the wall. Pointing to the portraits, Steinberg turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine-looking men. Your partners?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The road to success is marked with many tempting parking spaces."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Focus"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In December 1903, after many attempts, the Wright brothers were successful in getting their "flying machine" off the ground. Thrilled, they telegraphed this message to their sister Katherine: "We have actually flown 120 feet. Will be home for Christmas."
Katherine hurried to the editor of the local newspaper and showed him the message. He glanced at it and said, "How nice. The boys will be home for Christmas." He totally missed the big news--man had flown!
- Daily Bread, December 23, 1991
describing his new Playstation 2 to John.
"Where did you get that?" John asked.
"I got it last night for Hanukkah," said Stan.
"What's Hanukkah?" John asked.
"It's the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night
for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights."
"Wow, I wish we got that!" John exclaimed. The next day on
the way to school, John runs up to Stan, curious to see what
he got. He sees that Stan is upset. "What's wrong? Where's
your present from last night?" asks John.
Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper. "It was
leftovers night."
+++++++++++++++++++
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and
I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be
visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before
you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
+++++++++++++++++++
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very
specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall
or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige
and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of
tan-colored paper.
"Your name?" I asked.
"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter O'Malley. There's
nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's the way it is. We go through life
doing nothing for each other." - Gene Autry
+++++++++++++++++++
"Historical Application"
Steinberg needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications to get it. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview with the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the Sales Manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?" the manager asks.
"Oh yes, lots of it," replies Steinberg
"And you say you have a master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" the manager asks.
"That is correct," replies Steinberg. "American history is my field of study."
"Well, then," says the sales manager. "With these qualifications, as soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in our firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Steinberg, obviously pleased with himself, begins to look around the room. Steinberg notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the wall. Pointing to the portraits, Steinberg turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine-looking men. Your partners?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The road to success is marked with many tempting parking spaces."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Focus"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In December 1903, after many attempts, the Wright brothers were successful in getting their "flying machine" off the ground. Thrilled, they telegraphed this message to their sister Katherine: "We have actually flown 120 feet. Will be home for Christmas."
Katherine hurried to the editor of the local newspaper and showed him the message. He glanced at it and said, "How nice. The boys will be home for Christmas." He totally missed the big news--man had flown!
- Daily Bread, December 23, 1991
Thursday, December 14, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 14th
All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from a Snowman
It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
We're all made up of mostly water.
You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow.
Don't get too much sun.
It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your
feet.
It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lengthy Discourse"
A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.
Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.
After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?"
His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Accomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your regular duties."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "General Store"
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Party Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. We're not
trying to exclude anyone, honest! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that the party occurs
during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short
this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little
foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... what do you expect me to
do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit
the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping"
employees, but we'll try to accommodate your drumming circle during
the band's breaks. Okay???
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to
be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a
red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or
family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up for a minute?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings,
too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream,
I'm hearing them scream right now!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your
cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon
of the 23rd off with full pay.
It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
We're all made up of mostly water.
You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow.
Don't get too much sun.
It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your
feet.
It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lengthy Discourse"
A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.
Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.
After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?"
His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Accomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your regular duties."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "General Store"
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Party Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's
Open Pit Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this
year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating
Kwanzaa at this time.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. We're not
trying to exclude anyone, honest! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that the party occurs
during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and
drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we
can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate
our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short
this time of year or else package everything for take-home in little
foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... what do you expect me to
do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit
the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping"
employees, but we'll try to accommodate your drumming circle during
the band's breaks. Okay???
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress
up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to
be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a
red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or
family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up for a minute?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or
not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings,
too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream,
I'm hearing them scream right now!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your
cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon
of the 23rd off with full pay.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 13th
Pet Rules
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Painting
Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young
son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled
around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their
collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many
others adorned the walls of the family estate. The widowed elder man
looked on with satisfaction, as his only child became an experienced
art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused
his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors round
the world.
As winter approached, war engulfed the nation and the young man left
to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father
received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The art
collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his
son again. Within days, his fears were confirmed. The young man had
died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic.
Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Christmas
holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season - a season
that he and his son had so looked forward to - would visit his house no longer.
On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old
man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls
only reminded him that his son was not coming home. As he opened the
door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand.
He introduced himself to the man by saying, "I was a friend of your
son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a
few moments? I have something to show you."
As the two began to talk, the soldier told of how the man's son had
told every one of his - not to mention his father's - love of fine
art. "I'm an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you
this." As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to
reveal a portrait of the man's son. Though the world would never
consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young
man's face in striking detail.
Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the soldier, promising to hang
the picture above the fireplace.
A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set
about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the
fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars of paintings. And then
the man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he
had been given.
During the days and weeks that followed, the man realized that even
though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on
because of those he had touched.
He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded
soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of
his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and
satisfaction began to ease the grief.
The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far
eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the
world clamored. He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had
ever received.
The following spring, the old man became ill and passed way. The art
world was in anticipation. With the collector's passing, and his only
son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to
the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on
Christmas day, the day he had received his greatest gift. The day
soon arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid
on some of the world's most spectacular paintings.
Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as
many would claim "I have the greatest collection." The auction began
with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the
painting of the man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid.
The room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked.
Minutes passed. No one spoke. From the back of the room came, "Who
cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's
forget it and go on to the good stuff." More voices echoed in
agreement. "No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer.
"Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a friend of the old man spoke.
"Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I
knew the boy, so I'd like to have it."
"I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer.
After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice.
Gone." The gavel fell.
Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with
it and we can bid on these treasures!"
The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced the auction was
over. Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and
asked, "What do you mean it's over?
We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son. What about
all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars of art here! I
demand that you explain what's going on here!"
The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of
the father, whoever takes the son ... gets it all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and
can't get through to enquiries. Can you help?" Operator:
"Where did you get that number from, sir?" Customer: "It was
on the door to the Travel Centre." Operator: "Sir, they are
our opening hours."
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have
just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back
two weeks, will I have my file back again?"
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone
number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't
understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1,
section 5, of the user guide, it clearly states that I need
to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone
socket on the wall."
RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown
Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling
in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to
change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff, please." Operator: "I'm sorry, but there's no
listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to
be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off."
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company
in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes.
That's what it says on the label: Woven in Scotland."
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds
from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a
pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Painting
Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young
son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled
around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their
collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many
others adorned the walls of the family estate. The widowed elder man
looked on with satisfaction, as his only child became an experienced
art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused
his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors round
the world.
As winter approached, war engulfed the nation and the young man left
to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father
received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The art
collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his
son again. Within days, his fears were confirmed. The young man had
died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic.
Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Christmas
holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season - a season
that he and his son had so looked forward to - would visit his house no longer.
On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old
man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls
only reminded him that his son was not coming home. As he opened the
door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand.
He introduced himself to the man by saying, "I was a friend of your
son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a
few moments? I have something to show you."
As the two began to talk, the soldier told of how the man's son had
told every one of his - not to mention his father's - love of fine
art. "I'm an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you
this." As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to
reveal a portrait of the man's son. Though the world would never
consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young
man's face in striking detail.
Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the soldier, promising to hang
the picture above the fireplace.
A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set
about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the
fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars of paintings. And then
the man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he
had been given.
During the days and weeks that followed, the man realized that even
though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on
because of those he had touched.
He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded
soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of
his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and
satisfaction began to ease the grief.
The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far
eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the
world clamored. He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had
ever received.
The following spring, the old man became ill and passed way. The art
world was in anticipation. With the collector's passing, and his only
son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to
the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on
Christmas day, the day he had received his greatest gift. The day
soon arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid
on some of the world's most spectacular paintings.
Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as
many would claim "I have the greatest collection." The auction began
with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the
painting of the man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid.
The room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked.
Minutes passed. No one spoke. From the back of the room came, "Who
cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's
forget it and go on to the good stuff." More voices echoed in
agreement. "No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer.
"Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a friend of the old man spoke.
"Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I
knew the boy, so I'd like to have it."
"I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer.
After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice.
Gone." The gavel fell.
Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with
it and we can bid on these treasures!"
The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced the auction was
over. Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and
asked, "What do you mean it's over?
We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son. What about
all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars of art here! I
demand that you explain what's going on here!"
The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of
the father, whoever takes the son ... gets it all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and
can't get through to enquiries. Can you help?" Operator:
"Where did you get that number from, sir?" Customer: "It was
on the door to the Travel Centre." Operator: "Sir, they are
our opening hours."
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have
just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back
two weeks, will I have my file back again?"
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone
number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't
understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1,
section 5, of the user guide, it clearly states that I need
to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone
socket on the wall."
RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown
Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling
in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to
change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff, please." Operator: "I'm sorry, but there's no
listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to
be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off."
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company
in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes.
That's what it says on the label: Woven in Scotland."
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds
from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a
pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 12th
I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap
counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he'd know when
to stop unwrapping.
+++++++++++++++++++
Burger joint conversations nationwide
M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."
Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."
Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."
Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."
Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."
Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some Escargot."
Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."
Williams: "Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."
Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."
Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."
Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."
Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
"Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."
Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
"Have some beer."
Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League."
"Here, drink the fry grease."
+++++++++++++++++++
Spoofs on college names
In each of these examples, the actual name of the college is written first. Then, after each, spoofs are written about each college name.
Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.
Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.
Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.
Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.
King's College.
Queen's College.
Jack's College (formerly Knave's College).
Ten's College.
Ace's College.
Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.
Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.
University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.
Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.
Argonne National Labs.
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.
Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.
University of Wisconsin - Madison.
University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin - River Falls.
University of Wisconsin - Stout.
University of Wisconsin - Porter.
University of Wisconsin - Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin - Night Train.
University of Wisconsin - Everclear.
Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.
Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.
George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.
McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.
Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
UnState University.
Out of State University.
McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.
McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.
Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.
Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University.
South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.
BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.
Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.
Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.
Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.
Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.
Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.
Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.
Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.
Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.
Universite' de Montre'al.
Universite' Laval.
Universite' Trudeau.
Universite' Mulroney.
University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.
Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.
Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.
Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.
Florida Atlantic University.
Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.
Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.
College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.
Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.
Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.
Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.
Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.
Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.
Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.
Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.
Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.
Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.
Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.
Old Dominion University.
New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.
IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.
Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.
Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.
Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.
Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.
Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.
Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.
Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.
College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.
Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.
Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.
Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.
Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.
Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.
Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.
Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.
Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.
Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.
Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.
Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.
Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.
Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.
Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. "Bob" Dobbs University.
Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.
counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he'd know when
to stop unwrapping.
+++++++++++++++++++
Burger joint conversations nationwide
M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."
Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."
Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."
Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."
Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."
Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some Escargot."
Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."
Williams: "Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."
Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."
Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."
Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."
Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
"Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."
Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
"Have some beer."
Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League."
"Here, drink the fry grease."
+++++++++++++++++++
Spoofs on college names
In each of these examples, the actual name of the college is written first. Then, after each, spoofs are written about each college name.
Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.
Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.
Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.
Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.
King's College.
Queen's College.
Jack's College (formerly Knave's College).
Ten's College.
Ace's College.
Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.
Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.
University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.
Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.
Argonne National Labs.
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.
Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.
University of Wisconsin - Madison.
University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin - River Falls.
University of Wisconsin - Stout.
University of Wisconsin - Porter.
University of Wisconsin - Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin - Night Train.
University of Wisconsin - Everclear.
Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.
Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.
George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.
McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.
Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
UnState University.
Out of State University.
McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.
McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.
Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.
Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University.
South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.
BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.
Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.
Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.
Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.
Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.
Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.
Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.
Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.
Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.
Universite' de Montre'al.
Universite' Laval.
Universite' Trudeau.
Universite' Mulroney.
University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.
Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.
Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.
Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.
Florida Atlantic University.
Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.
Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.
College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.
Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.
Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.
Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.
Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.
Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.
Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.
Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.
Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.
Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.
Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.
Old Dominion University.
New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.
IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.
Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.
Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.
Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.
Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.
Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.
Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.
Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.
College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.
Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.
Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.
Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.
Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.
Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.
Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.
Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.
Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.
Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.
Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.
Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.
Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.
Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.
Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. "Bob" Dobbs University.
Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.
Monday, December 11, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 11th
"The Innkeepers Top 10 Excuses…"
The Innkeepers Top 10 Excuses...
10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful.
9. Wife said he couldn't accept olive wood carvings as payment anymore.
8. Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going.
7. Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels.
6. Filled up for the "Caesar Impersonators'" convention.
5. Didn't accept the Judean Express Card.
4. Last room left was by the ice machine.
3. Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before.
2. Closed front desk early to take family to watch unique star.
1. No last names, no service.
+++++++++++++++++++
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally
recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members
protested that a more
experienced man would have been preferable.
Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might
breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the
end of the meeting, one commented to another, older member, that this marked
the beginning of better things for their church.
"Yes," the elder said with a wry smile. "Looks like we're moving on to
greener pastors."
+++++++++++++++++++
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell
asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.
"It's twenty to seven," she called.
"In whose favor?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own
way." - Josh Billings
The Innkeepers Top 10 Excuses...
10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful.
9. Wife said he couldn't accept olive wood carvings as payment anymore.
8. Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going.
7. Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels.
6. Filled up for the "Caesar Impersonators'" convention.
5. Didn't accept the Judean Express Card.
4. Last room left was by the ice machine.
3. Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before.
2. Closed front desk early to take family to watch unique star.
1. No last names, no service.
+++++++++++++++++++
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally
recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members
protested that a more
experienced man would have been preferable.
Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might
breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the
end of the meeting, one commented to another, older member, that this marked
the beginning of better things for their church.
"Yes," the elder said with a wry smile. "Looks like we're moving on to
greener pastors."
+++++++++++++++++++
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell
asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.
"It's twenty to seven," she called.
"In whose favor?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own
way." - Josh Billings
Sunday, December 10, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
"Tree Faller"
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.
"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.
"He fell out of a tree," I reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.
"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."
Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When there are too many cooks in the kitchen, the chef will walk out."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Vows"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Ken and Marjorie finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.
"You know," said Marjorie, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humour to the occasion."
+++++++++++++++++++
I recently found this great website that conducts cyber garage sales. You
list your stuff you want to sell or buy in the subject line of an email,
send it off and wait for a response.
Recently, I sent a note saying I was in the market for three particular
items. In short order, I got three responses. However, nobody had any of the
items I'd listed. But they all found what I'd written amusing. "Wanted -
envelopes, piano bench and one night stand."
+++++++++++++++++++
An engineer, my husband often needs to study the shapes of human body parts
to make sure equipment for magnetic resonance imaging is properly designed.
Desperately searching for a model to use for a breast coil he was working
on, he went to a department store and requested bras in sizes 34A to 40C.
"Which one is for your wife?" asked the confused clerk.
He shook his head. "None of them."
"Really?" she said. "You're worse than I thought."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I
must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and
she said, 'Because I'm your father.'" - Dave George
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.
"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.
"He fell out of a tree," I reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.
"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."
Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When there are too many cooks in the kitchen, the chef will walk out."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Vows"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Ken and Marjorie finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.
"You know," said Marjorie, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humour to the occasion."
+++++++++++++++++++
I recently found this great website that conducts cyber garage sales. You
list your stuff you want to sell or buy in the subject line of an email,
send it off and wait for a response.
Recently, I sent a note saying I was in the market for three particular
items. In short order, I got three responses. However, nobody had any of the
items I'd listed. But they all found what I'd written amusing. "Wanted -
envelopes, piano bench and one night stand."
+++++++++++++++++++
An engineer, my husband often needs to study the shapes of human body parts
to make sure equipment for magnetic resonance imaging is properly designed.
Desperately searching for a model to use for a breast coil he was working
on, he went to a department store and requested bras in sizes 34A to 40C.
"Which one is for your wife?" asked the confused clerk.
He shook his head. "None of them."
"Really?" she said. "You're worse than I thought."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I
must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and
she said, 'Because I'm your father.'" - Dave George
Saturday, December 09, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 9th
Votive Candles
Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my
daughter and her children were awed by the sight.
The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my
daughter asked if they'd each like to light one - which they did. She
explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks,
and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.
"Do you have any questions?" she asked.
"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prescription Worries"
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Nutrition Facts are too depressing - how about some Nutrition Fiction?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Texas Banter"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When I attended a convention once of oil men, the first speaker was from Texas. He rambled on about nonsense for a good half hour and then introduced the next gent, who happened to be from Oklahoma. The Texan ended his introduction with, "Now I give you Mr. Murcer from Oklahoma, an outlying province of Texas."
With that, Mr. Murcer began his speech, "Thank you, Mr. Smithson, but, just to set the record straight. There ain't no state that can out-lie Texas."
+++++++++++++++++++
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I
got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start
exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired
for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.
----------
A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do
you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
----------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
Easter eggs.
----------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your
husband?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than I am."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
----------
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a
jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thankfully, I still have my driver's
license.
----------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why
Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."
----------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
----------
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for
Christmas." - Johnny Carson
+++++++++++++++++++
The following comes from Anthony’s Air Force but somehow sounds strangely familiar.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the gripe sheet what remedial action was taken. The pilot then previews the form before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and solutions recorded by the engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot S = the solution and action taken by the mechanics)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on backorder
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground
P: Evidence of leak on main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed
P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to a more believable level
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That is what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you are right
P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search!
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed
P: Noise coming out from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my
daughter and her children were awed by the sight.
The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my
daughter asked if they'd each like to light one - which they did. She
explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks,
and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.
"Do you have any questions?" she asked.
"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prescription Worries"
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Nutrition Facts are too depressing - how about some Nutrition Fiction?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Texas Banter"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When I attended a convention once of oil men, the first speaker was from Texas. He rambled on about nonsense for a good half hour and then introduced the next gent, who happened to be from Oklahoma. The Texan ended his introduction with, "Now I give you Mr. Murcer from Oklahoma, an outlying province of Texas."
With that, Mr. Murcer began his speech, "Thank you, Mr. Smithson, but, just to set the record straight. There ain't no state that can out-lie Texas."
+++++++++++++++++++
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I
got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start
exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired
for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.
----------
A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do
you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
----------
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
Easter eggs.
----------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your
husband?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than I am."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"
----------
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a
jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thankfully, I still have my driver's
license.
----------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why
Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."
----------
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
----------
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for
Christmas." - Johnny Carson
+++++++++++++++++++
The following comes from Anthony’s Air Force but somehow sounds strangely familiar.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the gripe sheet what remedial action was taken. The pilot then previews the form before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and solutions recorded by the engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot S = the solution and action taken by the mechanics)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on backorder
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground
P: Evidence of leak on main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed
P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to a more believable level
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That is what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you are right
P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search!
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed
P: Noise coming out from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Friday, December 08, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 8th
Construction Noise
During a beautiful spring afternoon, I was attending a music
festival. Just as I stopped to listen to a folk singer, a group of
exhibitors, dragging out tools and sawhorses, began setting up their
display booth nearby. All their shouting and hammering made it
difficult to enjoy the music. The noise they made got louder and even
more obnoxious and intrusive as time went on.
Finally, to everyone's relief, they completed the construction.
As a finishing touch, they hung a sign on their booth. It read
"Silent Auction."
+++++++++++++++++++
Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people
hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a
hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after
struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He
takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he
goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing
talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest
bird she had ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird,
Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says, "Git my
gun, Maw."
She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He
takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The
monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the tree
tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A redneck girl went on a trip to Italy with her father. When they returned
from their tour, she informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities,
but most of all he loved Venice.
"Venice, huh?" said the friend. "I can understand why your father would like
Venice with its gondolas and all."
"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it best
because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."
+++++++++++++++++++
A young soldier was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C. He spent his spare time
fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon he became a
guide of sorts for some senior noncommissioned officers. Once, a chief
master sergeant hooked a 20-pond striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto
the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the
water.
He noticed a puzzled look on the face of the young soldier. He explained,
"Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes
than I do."
+++++++++++++++++++
"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that
seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she
has any cute friends." - Scott Ostler
+++++++++++++++++++
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be cycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment And gracious hostility.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
+++++++++++++++++++
THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW, AND SHOULD KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of
cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on
hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne
will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the
top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of
Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were
misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who
had red eyes. He was
albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the
wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother
and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous
system; a few ounces will
kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing
up into the shark's
stomach from underneath, causing the shark to
explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales. (eeww)
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland
because he doesn't wear
pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper'
and 'lower' because in
the time when all original print had to be set in
individual letters, the
upper case' letters were stored in the case on top
of the case that stored
the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and
draw with the other at
the same time; hence, multi-tasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out
during World War II
were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling
casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter
Pan; there was never a
recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme
with: orange, purple,
and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it
took him 10 years to
paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make
it instantly go mad
and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original
"Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in
coins without being
able to make change for a dollar.
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your
back, you can't sink in
quicksand. (And you thought this list was completely
useless.)
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an
old English law, which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with
anything wider than your
thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop
was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on
the market was the
Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more
calories to eat a piece of
celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's
the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you
from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified
kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for
being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before
they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel a lot
safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and
Kobe Bryant are still
walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take
the ONE woman in
America willing to cook, clean, and work in the
yard, and they haul her
off to jail."
During a beautiful spring afternoon, I was attending a music
festival. Just as I stopped to listen to a folk singer, a group of
exhibitors, dragging out tools and sawhorses, began setting up their
display booth nearby. All their shouting and hammering made it
difficult to enjoy the music. The noise they made got louder and even
more obnoxious and intrusive as time went on.
Finally, to everyone's relief, they completed the construction.
As a finishing touch, they hung a sign on their booth. It read
"Silent Auction."
+++++++++++++++++++
Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people
hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a
hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after
struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He
takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he
goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing
talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest
bird she had ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird,
Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says, "Git my
gun, Maw."
She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He
takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The
monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the tree
tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A redneck girl went on a trip to Italy with her father. When they returned
from their tour, she informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities,
but most of all he loved Venice.
"Venice, huh?" said the friend. "I can understand why your father would like
Venice with its gondolas and all."
"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it best
because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."
+++++++++++++++++++
A young soldier was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C. He spent his spare time
fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon he became a
guide of sorts for some senior noncommissioned officers. Once, a chief
master sergeant hooked a 20-pond striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto
the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the
water.
He noticed a puzzled look on the face of the young soldier. He explained,
"Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes
than I do."
+++++++++++++++++++
"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that
seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she
has any cute friends." - Scott Ostler
+++++++++++++++++++
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be cycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment And gracious hostility.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
+++++++++++++++++++
THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW, AND SHOULD KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of
cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on
hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne
will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the
top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of
Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were
misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who
had red eyes. He was
albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the
wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother
and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous
system; a few ounces will
kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing
up into the shark's
stomach from underneath, causing the shark to
explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales. (eeww)
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland
because he doesn't wear
pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper'
and 'lower' because in
the time when all original print had to be set in
individual letters, the
upper case' letters were stored in the case on top
of the case that stored
the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and
draw with the other at
the same time; hence, multi-tasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out
during World War II
were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling
casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter
Pan; there was never a
recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme
with: orange, purple,
and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it
took him 10 years to
paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make
it instantly go mad
and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original
"Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in
coins without being
able to make change for a dollar.
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your
back, you can't sink in
quicksand. (And you thought this list was completely
useless.)
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an
old English law, which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with
anything wider than your
thumb.
28. The first product Motorola started to develop
was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on
the market was the
Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more
calories to eat a piece of
celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's
the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you
from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified
kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for
being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before
they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel a lot
safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and
Kobe Bryant are still
walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take
the ONE woman in
America willing to cook, clean, and work in the
yard, and they haul her
off to jail."
Thursday, December 07, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 7th
"Snake Glasses"
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It's not a bug - it's just an undocumented feature."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lawyer Picture"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers' convention.
When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting, "Okay everyone, say fees!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The "Forwarder's" 12 Step Program
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear,
but need to. If you are one of those people who like to forward every
e-mail you get, please repeat the following ...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists
if I DON'T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn't
know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail
to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from
Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an
e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail! (If you
do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not
STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding
an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in
England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is
now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST
CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or
whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them
to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers,
characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I
forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain
individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail
address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at
email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it
along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you
will gain twenty pounds in the next three months! (No, not really! If
you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
+++++++++++++++++++
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in
Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a
trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.
This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted,
"You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes
to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped
and ready to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You
mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed
this morning?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Ranch Hand
Why you shouldn't ask a blonde to impregnate your cow...
Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, “The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?”
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one... right here.”
Terribly impressed by what he had thought was probably just another ditzy blonde, the man asks, “Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?”
“That's simple. By the nail over its stall,” Amy explains very confidently.
Thinking his original opinion had been confirmed the man could not resist asking, “What's the nail for?”
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, “It's to hang your pants on...”
+++++++++++++++++++
Aging Alphabet
Poetry for those with osteoporosis & low neuralgia...
A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
+++++++++++++++++++
Boys Will Be Boys
For those who have sons & those who are happy they don't!
1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10) Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11) Play Dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12) Super glue is forever.
13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20) The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
+++++++++++++++++++
Religious Customs Declaration
How to conceal the truth about something you shouldn't be concealing...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”
“Of course. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It's not a bug - it's just an undocumented feature."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lawyer Picture"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers' convention.
When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting, "Okay everyone, say fees!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The "Forwarder's" 12 Step Program
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear,
but need to. If you are one of those people who like to forward every
e-mail you get, please repeat the following ...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists
if I DON'T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn't
know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail
to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from
Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an
e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail! (If you
do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not
STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding
an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in
England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is
now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST
CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or
whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them
to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers,
characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I
forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain
individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail
address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at
email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it
along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you
will gain twenty pounds in the next three months! (No, not really! If
you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
+++++++++++++++++++
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in
Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a
trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.
This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted,
"You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes
to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped
and ready to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You
mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed
this morning?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Ranch Hand
Why you shouldn't ask a blonde to impregnate your cow...
Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, “The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?”
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one... right here.”
Terribly impressed by what he had thought was probably just another ditzy blonde, the man asks, “Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?”
“That's simple. By the nail over its stall,” Amy explains very confidently.
Thinking his original opinion had been confirmed the man could not resist asking, “What's the nail for?”
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, “It's to hang your pants on...”
+++++++++++++++++++
Aging Alphabet
Poetry for those with osteoporosis & low neuralgia...
A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
+++++++++++++++++++
Boys Will Be Boys
For those who have sons & those who are happy they don't!
1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10) Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11) Play Dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12) Super glue is forever.
13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20) The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
+++++++++++++++++++
Religious Customs Declaration
How to conceal the truth about something you shouldn't be concealing...
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”
“Of course. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 4th
Fiddle or Violin?
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin.
"Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from
you, it's a fiddle."
+++++++++++++++++++
"50th Anniversary"
At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Success: How high you bounce when you hit bottom."
- General George Patton
+++++++++++++++++++
"Trusting Advice"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Thunderstorms have rolled through the region, knocking out power temporarily to some of the stores of this supermarket chain. So when a help desk technician gets an emergency page from one store, he figures he knows how to handle it.
Turns out it's not that easy. "When I called the store, a somewhat dippy cashier answered the phone." he says. "The cash registers were all off-line, and when I gave her what I thought were simply instructions to restart the registers, she was having trouble understanding."
The flustered cashier just can't seem to get things working -- until the tech gets an idea.
"At one point the phone clicked, and she told me it was an incoming call on another line," he reports. "She clicked off and answered again right away."
"I said Hi, it's Mark from the help desk."
She said, "Oh, Hi! I have another guy from the help desk on the other line! Can you help me out? I don't understand what he's telling me to do."
I replied, "That guy's name is Mark too, and he is the most knowledgeable person in our department. Just take a deep breath, calm down and let him help you get the registers back up."
Another click.
"Hello, is this Mark? I just had that other Mark on the other line. OK, now tell me again what I need to do...."
+++++++++++++++++++
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants
played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total
number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.
After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The
correct answer is 26 years. For the two people
who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in
seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we
are airborne."
+++++++++++++++++++
crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs
that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put
back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a blonde,
looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a
co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
+++++++++++++++++++
When the guy at the door said, "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms," I just
assumed it was more supplies.
+++++++++++++++++++
Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact,
if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories
in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an
eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make
a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort
to control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots
of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now
and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which
you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size
of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have
as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with
the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all
cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is
just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in
one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and
screaming,
"WOO HOO what a ride!"
Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin.
"Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from
you, it's a fiddle."
+++++++++++++++++++
"50th Anniversary"
At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Success: How high you bounce when you hit bottom."
- General George Patton
+++++++++++++++++++
"Trusting Advice"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Thunderstorms have rolled through the region, knocking out power temporarily to some of the stores of this supermarket chain. So when a help desk technician gets an emergency page from one store, he figures he knows how to handle it.
Turns out it's not that easy. "When I called the store, a somewhat dippy cashier answered the phone." he says. "The cash registers were all off-line, and when I gave her what I thought were simply instructions to restart the registers, she was having trouble understanding."
The flustered cashier just can't seem to get things working -- until the tech gets an idea.
"At one point the phone clicked, and she told me it was an incoming call on another line," he reports. "She clicked off and answered again right away."
"I said Hi, it's Mark from the help desk."
She said, "Oh, Hi! I have another guy from the help desk on the other line! Can you help me out? I don't understand what he's telling me to do."
I replied, "That guy's name is Mark too, and he is the most knowledgeable person in our department. Just take a deep breath, calm down and let him help you get the registers back up."
Another click.
"Hello, is this Mark? I just had that other Mark on the other line. OK, now tell me again what I need to do...."
+++++++++++++++++++
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants
played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total
number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.
After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The
correct answer is 26 years. For the two people
who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in
seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we
are airborne."
+++++++++++++++++++
crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs
that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put
back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a blonde,
looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a
co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
+++++++++++++++++++
When the guy at the door said, "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms," I just
assumed it was more supplies.
+++++++++++++++++++
Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact,
if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories
in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an
eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make
a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort
to control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots
of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now
and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which
you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size
of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have
as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with
the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all
cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is
just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in
one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and
screaming,
"WOO HOO what a ride!"
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