hUMOR For Aug. 19th

Reservations

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not
have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.
++++++++++++++++++
"Car Moving"
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin snow plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"His eye is on the sparrow--and on the turkey, too!"
++++++++++++++++++
"Commercial Time"
The math department felt they weren't getting enough students registering as math majors, so they made a commercial and aired it on prime time--1 o'clock, 2 o'clock,
3 o'clock, 5 o'clock, 7 o'clock, and 11 o'clock.
++++++++++++++++++

Having recently moved to a rural area, my wife and I asked a cashier at the
local Wal-Mart if she could recommend a good restaurant where we could eat.

"I don't know," said the sales clerk. "I like Lillington food better."

"Okay," I said. "Lillington is a mere fifteen miles south of here. What's
the difference between Lillington food and the food here?"

"Lillington food just tastes better. I don't know why."

"Is there any place at all in this town that you might recommend?"

"Well, I would tell you to go to Golden Corral but they won't be open for a
couple more months."

"Then why would you even mention Golden Corral if they aren't open?"

"Because their food tastes like Lillington food."
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Here is a baseball question -- who holds
MLB's record for the longest stolen base streak
without being caught?

"My strength is as the strength of ten, Because
my heart is pure" Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809 - 1892).

ANSWER BELOW
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- How would life be backwards?

You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every
day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect
your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally
promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play,
you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and
then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room
service on tap, larger quarters every day, And then,
you finish off as an Conceived!.

I rest my case.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to JLH: Worth Pondering

When things in your life seem almost too much to
handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough,
remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had
some items in front of him. When the class began, he
wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise
jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then
asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the
golf balls. He then asked the students again if the
jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up
everything else. He asked once more if the jar was
full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
under the table and poured the entire contents into
the jar effectively filling the empty space between
the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I
want you to recognize that this jar represents your
life. The golf balls are the important things--- your
family, your health, your friends and your favorite
passions---and if everything else was lost and only
they remained , your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your
job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you
put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there
is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same
goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy
on the small stuff you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your

happiness. Play with your children. Spend time with
your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to
get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix
the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the
things that really matter. Set your priorities. The
rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what
the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm
glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no
matter how full your life may seem, there's always
room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (NOTE: Surely the very
suggestion that this could hail from the same part of
the country as your editor is out of the question...)

Arkansas Love Poem

A fellow Arkie sent this to me but surely it does not
pertain to Northeast Arkansas:

Arkansas Love Poem

Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Suzy gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know,
But Joe is yo half-brother."

So Suzy forgot about her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still."

"You can't marry Will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo
half-brothers."

But Mama knew and Mama said,
"Child, do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: Over the 1988 and 1989 season St. Louis
Cardinal Vince Coleman stole 50 bases without being
caught.

hUMOR For August 17th

Exasperation

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier
41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched
with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children
fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents
reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the
father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: What is the most watched movie in history?

"Honesty shines like a light through your eyes."
ANSWER AT END OF POST
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to La Mi -- AIN'T IT FUNNY…
* Ain't it funny... how we set our clocks to arise at
4:00 am or 5:00 am to be at the job by 7:30; yet, when
Sunday comes we can't get to church for the 11:00 a.m.
service to praise the one who gave us the jobs!

* Ain't it funny... how we call God our Father and
Jesus our brother; but find it hard to introduce them
to our family.

* Ain't it funny... how small our sins seem, but how
big "their" sins are.

* Ain't it funny... how we demand justice for others;
but expect mercy from God.

* Ain't it funny... how much difficulty some have
learning the gospel well enough to tell others; but
how simple it is to understand and explain the latest
gossip about someone else.

* Ain't it funny... how we can't think of anything to
say when we pray; but don't have any difficulty
thinking of things to talk about to a friend.

* Ain't it funny... how we are so quick to take
directions from a total stranger when we are lost; but
are hesitant to take God's direction for our lives.

* Ain't it funny... how so many church goers sing
"Standing on the Promises"; but all they do is sit on
the premises.

* Ain't it funny... how people want God to answer
their prayers; but refuse to listen to His counsel.

* Ain't it funny... how it is okay to blame God for
evil and suffering in the world; but it is not
necessary to thank Him for what is good and pleasant.

* Ain't it funny... how when something goes wrong we
cry, "Lord, why me?"; but when something goes right,
we think, "Hey! it must be me!"

* Oh wait... maybe all of this just isn't so "funny"
after all.
++++++++++++++++++
A favorite from SunshineRose28 -- Van Gogh's Family
Tree

His dizzy aunt ------------------------------Verti
Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ------------------Gotta
Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ----Stop
n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia -----------------U
Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ------------------- Chica
Gogh

His magician uncle --------------------Where-diddy
Gogh

His Mexican cousin ------------------------- A mee
Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach-------Wells-far
Gogh

The constipated uncle ----------------------- Cant
Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------- Tang
Gogh

The bird lover uncle -----------------------Flamin
Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst ----------------------- E
Gogh

The fruit loving cousin -----------------------Man
Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------ Way-to
Gogh

The little bouncy nephew --------------------- Poe
Gogh

A sister who loved disco -----------------------Go
Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van
---Winnie Bay Gogh And there ya Gogh!
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to SunshineRose28 -- Bible Questions

Q: The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story
had a window to let light in, but how did they get
light to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used floodlights.

Q: Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the
Bible?
A: David - he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.

Q: What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A: Turn right and go straight.

Q: Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant
lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at
once.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around the Jordan - the banks were always
overflowing.

Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible ?
A: Noah: He was floating his stock, while everyone
else was in liquidation.

Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the
Bible ?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The most watched movie in history is "The
Wizard of Oz" -- seen by well over a billion people.
++++++++++++++++++
A seafood restaurant had a sign in the window that read,
"Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

Amazed at the great value, a man stopped in and asked the
waitress, "Five dollars each for lobster tails -- is that
correct?"

"Yes," she said. "It's our special just for today."

"Well," he said, "they must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "it's the really big lobster."

"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails -- and a
little bit tough?"

"No," she said, "it's the really big red lobster."

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?" he said, amazed. "They
must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails -- $5 each?" he repeated,
astounded.

"Yes," she insisted.

"Well, here's my five dollars," he said. "I'll take one."

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited
him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand
on his shoulder, leaned over close to him, and said, "Once
upon a time there was a really big red lobster..."
++++++++++++++++++
ANSWER: The most watched movie in history is "The
Wizard of Oz" -- seen by well over a billion people.

hUMOR For Aug. 16th

-"Coin Test"
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A life with love will have some thorns, but a life without love will have no roses."
++++++++++++++++++
"Illustration"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Bob Hope once received an award and graciously gave full credit to his four writers for making it possible.
The next to receive the award was Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. He stepped to the mike and with a grin, he announced, "I also want to thank my four writers - Mathew, Mark, Luke and John."
++++++++++++++++++
Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for
elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and
bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to
pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including
the six elk. But the pilot objected and said, "The plane can
only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two
behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and
the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was
the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally
permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they
attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane
could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other,
"Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is
about the same place where we crashed last year."
++++++++++++++++++
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a
long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while
longer.

Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, dad, he doesn't
recognize me."
++++++++++++++++++
One day while shopping my daughter who was three at the time and a chatter
bug introduced herself to the lady behind us at the check out.

She proceeded to tell the lady her sister's name and then said and to the
lady, "This is my mom. Her name is mom."
++++++++++++++++++
Sleep is just an escape for those who cannot handle the hallucinations of
insomnia.

hUMOR For August 15th

"Rest Stop"
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." - Kevin Hench
++++++++++++++++++
"Vatican Card"
The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it.++++++++++++++++++
How To Unsubscribe
by Robert Byron

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follow the above directions closely.
++++++++++++++++++
"How's this for a stupid idea? A California state senator has proposed an
amendment to the State Constitution that would lower the voting age to 14.
You know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We'd probably
wind up with an action hero as governor of the state." - Jay Leno
++++++++++++++++++
My husband works as a service technician for a large
exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is
that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night
before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the
phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control
Company. Your wife phoned us."

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man
on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you. Someone wants to
talk to you about your relatives."
++++++++++++++++++
Dan Passes Out!


Dan decides one day that he is sick and tired of all these jokes and how he is perceived as stupid, so he decides to show Schar he is really smart.

While Schar's off at work, he decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after Schar leaves for work, he gets down to the task at hand.

Schar arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

She walks into the living room and finds Dan lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

She notices that he is wearing a ski jacket and a thick sweater at the same time.

She goes over and asks him if he is ok.

He replies yes.

She asks what he is doing.

He replies that he wanted to prove to her that he's not dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

She then asks him why he has a ski jacket over his sweater.

He replies that he was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

hUMOR For August 14th

"What Happened"
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
++++++++++++++++++
The adult Sunday school class was discussing formal and informal prayer,
when one man remarked, "I do some of my best praying while I'm driving."

In a quiet voice, the man's wife agreed, "I, too, do my best praying while
you're driving."
++++++++++++++++++
A little boy sat through a Sunday School class and learned about the time
Jesus went to a wedding and changed the water into wine.

"And what did you learn from that story?" asked his father afterward.

The boy thought for a moment and answered, "If you're having a wedding, make
sure Jesus is there."
++++++++++++++++++
We have employed a new voice mail system and would like the
staff to have knowledge of how it operates. When you are
dialing school, please call the number provided.

You will then be answered by a cheery voice from us that
will give you a menu of options to meet your needs.

These are:

To lie about why your child is absent Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work Press
2

To complain about what we do Press 3

To fuss at a staff members Press 4

To ask why you didn't get needed information that was in
your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you Press 5

If you want us to raise your child Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone
Press 7

If you really have an emergency, dial 9-1-1 because all
these other lines will be busy.
++++++++++++++++++
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver
a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and
stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but
you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver
and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder
would frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

hUMOR For August 13th

Just Pretend It's A Feature

This telecommunication repair technician is called in to deal with a
phone problem for a customer: The mute button keeps flashing on extension 37.

And it's not the first time the issue has been raised. "I was the
fourth repair technician to be faced with it," says the tech. "I
already knew there was no way to fix this problem, since there would
be no fix by the manufacturer."

So he goes over to the desk of the user at extension 37, introduces
himself, surveys the situation and says, "Oh, you have the system
monitor phone."

"What's that?" customer asks.

"If that light ever stops flashing, it means there's something wrong
with the CPU," the tech explains with a straight face. "In that case,
please call us and open a ticket for replacement of the CPU."

And that's it. "The phone user seemed honored to be trusted with such
a responsibility," says tech. "We never got another call back on that matter."

"And yes, that service call was no charge."
++++++++++++++++++
"Bunyan Fall"
My son, Bunyan, is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on the way down. He received only minor scratches.
Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. The he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily made signs reading 9.6, 9.8 and 9.4.
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The first thing dieters lose is a sense of humor."
++++++++++++++++++
"Debt"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"
"No," I replied.
"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"
"I really don't have any," I said.
"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.
"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried.
There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"
++++++++++++++++++
The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy,
regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:

"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to
get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."
++++++++++++++++++
"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W
as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
++++++++++++++++++
"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter O'Malley. There's
nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's the way it is. We go through life
doing nothing for each other." - Gene Autry

hUMOR For Aug. 12th

Uncomfortable

During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married
students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class,
before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay? I noticed you were
holding onto your side."

"Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his
foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little."

"Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved.

"Yes," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class."
++++++++++++++++++
Leaks

"Is that water?" I asked.

"I believe it is," was the reply.

Having recently taken the position of laboratory manager, I watched as water
poured out of the ceiling onto a brand new state of the art, two hundred
fifty thousand dollar piece of laboratory equipment. I rushed down to the
maintenance department to report the problem. After a short investigation,
it was determined that the leak was caused by someone who left the water
running in a kettle located in the lab above mine. "It happens all the
time," I was told.

"I don't understand why the water leaked through the floor and didn't run
into the drain. The building is less than ten years old. We shouldn't have
this problem."

A maintenance person explained, "Well, that would be because the drain was
installed 10 centimeters above floor level."

"Why?"

"The only reason I can think as to why they would do something like that is
because to do otherwise would make sense," was the reply.

"It's going to have to be fixed," I said. "I can't have water running on my
new machine every time someone forgets to turn off the water."

Maintenance caulked the cracks and gaps around the drain in hopes to solve
the problem. It worked. The next time water overflowed from the kettle my
new machine remained dry. However, the water took the next easiest route
through the floor that just happened to be over a machine valued at thirty
thousand dollars. The solution was to cover the machine with a tarp.

A brand new machine had just been set up in my lab the day before I
discovered a leak above it. This was a completely new leak to go along with
my completely new machine. Blue water was pouring over the machine and the
attached computer. The problem was coming from two floors above and again,
the drain was higher than the floor. The solution in this case was easy. I
was instructed to move the machine to a different part of my lab. The leak
remained but that section of the lab was never utilized again.

The standard joke about leaks became, "If you want to find out where you
have a leak, just install a brand new expensive piece of equipment and
that's where the leak will be."

This isn't to say that all of the drains in the building are faulty. No,
that isn't the case at all. For example, several of the drain seals for
toilets in the building are failing and the raw sewage flows across the
floor straight into the drain in the middle of the floor. I guess it's a
good thing that there aren't any bathrooms above my lab but just to be sure,
I'm not going to order any new equipment anytime soon.
++++++++++++++++++
"I believe blind people can fall in love, too, so I don't believe in love at
first sight." - Ashton Kutcher
++++++++++++++++++
* I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in
dwelling on the past.
* I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.
* A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and
I never saw it again.
* Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue
him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.
* Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep
ourselves from freezing.
* I'm not at liberty to say why.
* I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to
give me.
* It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a
toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know
the details.
* I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.
* I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.
* My mom used it as a dryer sheet.
* My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the
movie deal is finalized.
* It's against my religion to do any homework.
* I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted
space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their
death rays.
* I felt it wasn't challenging enough.
* My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last
night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.
* We had homework?!
* I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah,
blah, blah."
* I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
* I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our
hard-working teachers.
++++++++++++++++++
"Instrument Test"
I'm a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened.
Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.
"Mom, guess what!" I overheard him exclaim. "I tested positive for tuba!"
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The Bureau of Incomplete Statistics reports that one out of three."
++++++++++++++++++
"Firefly"
A mother firefly and her brood were out for a walk. 'Whatever happens,' mom ordered, 'don't shine your light. I don't want you eaten by owls.'
Sure enough, after a little while, she spotted the youngest one glowing behind her. 'You heard what I said,' scolded the mother. 'Why did you disobey?'
'Well,' said the little one, 'when you gotta glow, you gotta glow.'

hUMOR For Aug. 11th

Department of Lowered Expectations

During a road trip I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I
walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a
sign on the wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two."
++++++++++++++++++
"Academic Phrases and Meanings"
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.
"In my experience"... once.
"In case after case"... twice.
"In a series of cases"... thrice.
"It is believed that"... I think.
"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."
- Mark Twai
++++++++++++++++++
"Studying"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
There was a kid taking a Statistics Class in college (STT 101). He finished his exam in half the time alloted, and the rest of the time he sat and flipped a coin.
The teacher asked what he was doing. And he said "I'm checking my answers."
++++++++++++++++++
Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs, he would fall over!

Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8!

What does "minimum" mean?
A very small mother!

What does "maximum" mean?
A very big mother!

What's the difference between an American student and an
English student?
About 3,000 miles!

Why did Robin Hood steal only from the rich?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking!

What is a skeleton?
Bones, with the person off!
++++++++++++++++++
Motivating Others

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment
of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did.
Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much
noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the
child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should
be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the
neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave
the neighbors books that described
a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the
boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked
at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder
what's inside the drum?"
++++++++++++++++++
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with
blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
++++++++++++++++++
"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to
sitting in a semi-circle." - Mitch Hedberg
++++++++++++++++++
LOST HISTORICAL TID-BITS



Who was the 1st President? I'm sure that George Washington was your
first and best guess. After all, no one else comes to mind.

But think back to your history books - The United States declared its
independence in 1776, yet Washington did not take office until April 30,
1789.

So who was running the country during these initial years of this young
country?

It was the first eight U.S. Presidents.

In fact, the first President of the United States was one John Hanson.

I can hear you now - John who?

John Hanson, the first President of the United States.

Don't go checking the encyclopedia for this guy's name - he is one of
those great men that are lost to history. If you're extremely lucky, you
may actually find a brief mention of his name.

The new country was actually formed on March 1, 1781 with the adoption of
The Articles of Confederation.

This document was actually proposed on June 11, 1776, but not agreed upon
by Congress until November 15, 1777.

Maryland refused to sign this document until Virginia and New York ceded
their western lands (Maryland was afraid that these states would gain too
much power in the new government from such large amounts of land).

Once the signing took place in 1781, a President was needed to run the
country.

John Hanson was chosen unanimously by Congress (which included George
Washington). In fact, all the other potential candidates refused to run
against him, as he was a major player in the revolution and an extremely
influential member of Congress.

As the first President, Hanson had quite the shoes to fill. No one had
ever been President and the role was poorly defined. His actions in office
would set precedent for all future Presidents.

He took office just as the Revolutionary War ended. Almost immediately,
the troops demanded to be paid. As would be expected after any long war,
there were no funds to meet the salaries. As a result, the soldiers
threatened to overthrow the new government and put Washington on the
throne as a monarch.

All the members of Congress ran for their lives, leaving Hanson as the
only guy left running the government. He somehow managed to calm the
troops down and hold the country together. If he had failed, the
government would have fallen almost immediately and everyone would have
been bowing to King Washington.

Hanson, as President, ordered all foreign troops off American soil, as
well as the removal of all foreign flags. This was quite the feat,
considering the fact that so many European countries had a stake in the
United States since the days following Columbus.

Hanson established the Great Seal of the United States, which all
Presidents have since been required to use on all official documents.

President Hanson also established the first Treasury Department, the first
Secretary of War, and the first Foreign Affairs Department.

Lastly, he declared that the fourth Thursday of every November was to be
Thanksgiving Day, which is still true today.

The Articles of Confederation only allowed a President to serve a one year
term during any three year period, so Hanson actually accomplished quite a
bit in such little time.

Seven other presidents were elected after him...

Elias Boudinot (1782-83),

Thomas Mifflin (1783-84),

Richard Henry Lee (1784-85),

John Hancock (1785-86),

Nathan Gorman (1786-87),

Arthur St. Clair (1787-88), and

Cyrus Griffin (1788-89)

..all prior to Washington taking office.

So what happened? Why don`t we hear about the first eight presidents?

It's quite simple - The Articles of Confederation didn't work well. The
individual states had too much power and nothing could be agreed upon. A
new doctrine needed to be written - something we know as the Constitution.

And that leads us to the end of our story.

George Washington was definitely not the first President of the United
States. He was the first President of the United States under the
Constitution we follow today.

And the first eight Presidents are forgotten in history.

YOU HAVE TO BE A LOVER OF HISTORY TO APPRECIATE THIS!!

NOTE: It took 8 years for us to establish a successful government.
Remember this when you hear that so little progress has been made during these last 3 years in establishing a Government in Iraq.

hUMOR For Aug. 10th

Kitchen Help

My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he
would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high
and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in
the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.

"Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found
some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel,
transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the
fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.

Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting
some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who
on earth put my Jello into pop bottles?"
++++++++++++++++++
"Parking Lot Speed Limit"
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"
++++++++++++++++++
Today's Oneliner
"Political-campaign speeches are like horns: a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between."
++++++++++++++++++
"Compiled Baby Name Puns"
At the end of April I began sending out a bunch of baby name puns. Many of you have asked for a complete list of all that were sent out. Here you go. Thanks to those who added their own suggestions. I hope I’ve got them all.
Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Undertaker's son: Barry
Beautician's son: Curly
Gardener's daughter: Daisy
Florist's daughter: Rose
Baker's daughter: Cookie
Minister's daughter: Faith
Day-trader's daughter: Hope
Televangelist's daughter: Charity
Geneticist's son: Gene
Espresso vendor's son: Joe
Jeweler's daughter: Opal
Gastrointerologist's daughter: Fanny
Butcher's daughter: Patty
Bartender's daughter: Brandy
Counterfeiter's son: Bill
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Betty
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Tennis player's son: Ace
Clothing manufacturer's daughter: Polly Esther
Teacher's son: Mark
Singer's twin daughters: Harmony & Melody
Patrolman's son: Chase
Museum curator's son: Art
Book printer's daughter: Paige
Trout fisher's daughter: Brook
Publisher's daughter: Mag
Woodworker's daughter: Peg
Manicurist's son: Hans
Athlete's son: Victor
Plumber's son: John
Accountant's son: Ira
Musician's daughter: Melody
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
Housewife's son: Dusty
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
++++++++++++++++++
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic
knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning,
goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills
are available.

The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new
knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world
history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new
knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do
you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back
into the storeroom. He brings back a whopper of a pill and
plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the
student.

The pharmacist replies, "Well, you know... math always was a
little hard to swallow."65

hUMOR For Aug. 9th

Lawn Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always
something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I
watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep
the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

A final thought: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other person is me.
++++++++++++++++++
"Repeat Position"
A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble. The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's location, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position? Well I'm marketing director of a medium sized computer software company in the East Midlands."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote

"The reason people blame things on the previous generations is that there's only one other choice."
- Doug Larson
++++++++++++++++++
"Quality of Life"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
++++++++++++++++++
"It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied
your geography. What's your excuse?"
"Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I
decided to wait until it settles down!"

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead? I didn't even know he was sick!

What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
The juve-niles!

Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!

Teacher: What are the Great Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!

Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up.

Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know
where the Rockies were.
Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!

Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York
harbor?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down!

Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!

Name an animal that lives in Lapland?
A reindeer
Good, now name another.
Another reindeer!
++++++++++++++++++
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of
our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from
the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's
too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
++++++++++++++++++
"Mr. Speaker, yesterday the President said we continue to be wise about how
we spend the people's money. Then why are we paying over $100,000 for a
'White House Director of Lessons Learned'? Maybe I can save the taxpayers
$100,000 by running through a few of the lessons this White House should
have learned by now:

Lesson 1: When the Army Chief of Staff and the Secretary of State say you
are going to war without enough troops, you're going to war without enough
troops.

Lesson 2: When 8.8 billion dollars of reconstruction funding disappears from
Iraq, and 2 billion dollars disappears from Katrina relief, it's time to
demand a little accountability.

Lesson 3: When you've 'turned the corner' in Iraq more times than Danica
Patrick at the Indy 500, it means you are going in circles.

Lesson 4: When the national weather service tells you a category 5 hurricane
is heading for New Orleans, a category 5 hurricane is heading to New
Orleans.

I would also ask the President why we're paying for two 'Ethics Advisors'
and a 'Director of Fact Checking.' They must be the only people in
Washington who get more vacation time than the President. Maybe the White
House could consolidate these positions into a Director of Irony."
++++++++++++++++++
"I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I
must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and
she said, 'Because I'm your father.'" - Dave George
++++++++++++++++++
NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

Somebody said this was probably the best e-mail he'd seen in a long, long time. I AGREE!!!! It's about time someone spoke the truth.

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an
attempt to help everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the
blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more
time to ordain and establish some common sense
guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden,
delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold
these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of
people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so
dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big
screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to
you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be
offended. This country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may
leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and
probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from
harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to
be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer
to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and
housing. Americans are the most charitable people to
be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we
are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation
after generation of professional couch potatoes who
achieve nothing more than the creation of another
generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one
is my pet peeve...get an education and go
to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health
care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public
housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically
harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally
maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest
of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the
possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce
away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be
surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you
away in a place where you still won't have the right
to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All
of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly
help you along in hard times, but we expect you to
take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful. (AMEN!) (AMEN, AGAIN)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness.
Being an American means that you have the right to
PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if
you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the
Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We
don't care where you are from, English is our
language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came
from! If you come here to enjoy the blessings and benefits available in AMERICA, don't be adding any hypenated" prefixes. (Lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our
country's history or heritage. This country was
founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you
are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any
faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution.
The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our
heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it,
TOUGH!!!!

I think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United States need to speak out because if you do not, who will?

hUMOR For Aug. 8th

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Holly wood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you ' re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You ' ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That ' s what ' s been keeping me a wake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he ' s married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can ' t Get Enough " ?
A. George Go l: I don ' t know, but it ' s coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I ' ll give you a ge sture you ' ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell ' s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you ' ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I ' m too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what ' s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I ' m always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn ' t neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I ' ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

++++++++++++++++++
"Toaster Oven"
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.
"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Buffet" is a French term that means, "Get up and get it yourself."
- Greg Ray
++++++++++++++++++
"Circus Wife"
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do.
The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."
++++++++++++++++++
Hotdog Pinatas
by Robert Byron

Every web site has something known as a server log. The server log contains
all the information pertaining to traffic to the site. In other words, every
time you go to a web site, things like your IP address, the link that led
you to the site, the browser you use, your operating system and various
other bits of information that can be used by a site owner to better tailor
a site to the needs of the majority are collected.

I generally check my server logs several times a day just to see what is
happening on the site. I am able to see the search engine queries that
people use when those results lead them to my site. I am often amazed that
folks end up at my site given the queries that they entered into a search
engine.

For example, someone was looking for information on Nigerian leprechauns and
ended up at my web site, Absolute Robeo. Someone else ended up at my site by
asking how to give a prostrate exam and another got there by inquiring about
"poopy diaper man."

Although "cure the common cold" brought someone to my site, I can assure
them that they are looking in the wrong place if they are serious about a
cure. The same goes for the person wanting to know how to cure warts. You
won't find out if pizza originated in Iran nor will you find out why beans
give gas but you can find my web site by searching for them. "Are employees
accident prone" brought someone to my site. I'm not a magic 8 ball and
didn't have their answer but I hope they enjoyed their visit. "Will I die
from eating moldy bread" and "food poisoning rice" brought a couple of hits
but those folks won't find the information they seek.

Someone found me by searching for "disney marijuana pictures" and another
found me by searching for "marijuana hydroponic setup." These folks didn't
find any information about their inquiries but it might be a good idea for
law enforcement officers to look for hydroponic marijuana setups at
Disneyland.

You won't find any pornography on my site but you might find my site while
searching for pornography. You won't find directions on how to make a
homemade shotgun or how to get rid of heartburn if you're pregnant. You
won't find "cards for cheating husband" and you won't find out how DDT is
made. There is nothing about "cat contents," "turkey pullovers" or "potted
meat." You might, however, find my site by searching for those items.

How is it possible that people are finding Absolute Robeo while searching
for things that are totally unrelated to my site? Well, the answer is quite
simple; the words they searched for are on my site. Because I write stories
about everything under the sun, a search for "*ball *bearing *body
*jewelery" will produce a path to my site. "Who invented Haggis?" That is
the search that warms my heart the most. Whoever those folks are who find me
by searching for haggis, they are the ones after my own heart and they a
probably after my heart as an ingredient in their haggis.

I don't care what leads a person to my site as long as they end up there and
as I write more stories, I will probably see even more hits from search
engines. Who knows, one day, all roads on the information superhighway just
might lead to Absolute Robeo. It already does if you are looking for "hotdog
pinatas." It's result number 12 on HotBot.
++++++++++++++++++
"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that
seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she
has any cute friends." - Scott Ostler
++++++++++++++++++
Newspaper item from Wisconsin...

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00
(with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of
course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go
on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
New NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water
area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float
on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to
invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more
power than the average drill auger can produce. So,
out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of
dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two
Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice
while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and
becoming toast, along With the Navigator), decide on
the following course of action: they lite the 40
second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw
the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab
used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the
owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the
ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of
dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it
hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving
their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to
resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and
holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently
cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter
panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The
shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough
to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused then continues on.

Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, under the brand new
Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot
exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end,
he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes
off after his master. Then
""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of
the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there
with...... "I can't believe this just happened" looks
on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by
the policy. He still had yet to make the first of
those $560.00 a month payments. The dog is okay.

hUMOR For Aug 7th

"Kitchen Help"
My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.
"Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.
Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who on earth put my Jello in pop bottles?"
++++++++++++++++++
A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of the Pope with
his class. One student asked how they chose the new Pope. The teacher
explained the process, finishing with, "So the Cardinals pick him."

A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a
baseball team pick the next Pope?"
++++++++++++++++++
Many are driving long distances this summer on vacation and thought you
should enjoy singing some wonderful old hymns that relate to each mark on
your speedometer.

50 mph = "Standing on the Promises"
60 mph = "God Will Take Care of You"
70 mph = "Nearer My God, to Thee"
80 mph = "This World is not my Home"
90 mph = "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
100 mph = "Precious Memories"
++++++++++++++++++
ROTC Summer Camp

At ROTC (Reserve Officers' Training Corps) summer camp at an Air
Force Base in Florida, we were nervous about our approaching survival
training, for we would be pitching our tents in a snake-infested swamp.

Our instructor, advising us on the treatment of snake bites,
explained that the venom of rattlesnakes, copperheads and water
moccasins affected the circulatory system. Their bites were to be
treated with tourniquets, incisions and suction. The poison of the
coral snake, on the other hand, affected the nervous system. At this
point he closed his manual.

"Sir," asked a cadet, "what do we do if a coral snake bites one of us?"

"Turn to page A1-7 in your manuals."

There was a flurry of activity as we flipped through the guides. When
we looked up, our smiles were sickly. Page A1-7 consisted entirely of
interdenominational prayers.
++++++++++++++++++
... they're still funny. Shows how important proof reading can be!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------- --------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PMthere will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.

Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PMat the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

hUMOR For Aug. 6th

Flight Home

The flight home from a recent business trip was pretty empty. So the
pilot made a simple request of the passengers. "We have a little
extra room tonight, folks," he said over the PA system. "So if you
wouldn't mind, please take a window seat so the competition thinks
the plane is full."
++++++++++++++++++
"Healthful Place"
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When written in Chinese, the word 'crisis' is composed of two characters - one represents danger, and the other represents opportunity."
- Saul David Alinsky
++++++++++++++++++
"Sympathy"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Rod and one of his fellow soldiers were assigned to wax the floors of their barracks. They'd heard that if they got the wax really hot, it would just glide across the floor, cutting their labor time in half. Unfortunately, as they were heating the can of wax with a cigarette lighter, it caught on fire, setting of alarms and attracting firetrucks, ambulances and the police.
Rod had to report to his sergeant's office immediately. Assuming he was in big trouble, he took a deep breath as he faced his superior. But before Rod could say a word, the sergeant simply muttered, "Been there, done that.
You're free to go."
++++++++++++++++++
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

Dear Concerned Citizen

Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban
and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The
administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place
one terrorist under your personal care.

Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your
residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him
overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these
problems as mere cultural differences.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless you feel that this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views
females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women
who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but
I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good
luck!

Cordially,
Don Rumsfeld
++++++++++++++++++
Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
INSIDE: What was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.
++++++++++++++++++
"One nice thing about egotists, they don't talk much about other people." -
Lucille S Harper

hUMOR For Aug. 5th

Gremlin

I'm embarrassed to admit it but back in the 1980's, I had an AMC Gremlin. I
hated that car. It had an accordion type sunroof made of fabric that had to
be pushed back to open. I was driving home from work when the sunroof ripped
from its mooring and began flapping like a massive flag behind my car before
completely freeing itself from bondage. I think the sunroof hated the car as
well.

The sunroof was a rare item and at the time I was unable to afford a new
one. I riveted a piece of sheet metal to the roof as a replacement. At least
it kept the rain out. That is until the rear window mysteriously shattered.
I was walking by the car when it happened. Nobody else was around and I
could find no evidence of foul play to indicate that a foreign object had
penetrated the glass. The window just seemed to have had enough of that car.

It wasn't long before the front suspension decided to depart. If I had
intentions of making a turn, it was necessary to start turning the steering
wheel several blocks before said anticipated turn. Steering became a fine
art. I hated that car.

I was driving home from the grocery store when the engine quit on me. I had
the car towed home and I began to thoroughly check the motor inside and out.
I could find nothing wrong. I was sitting behind the drivers seat when a
neighbor asked, "You don't suppose it's out of gas do you?"

I tapped at the gauge and said, "No. You can plainly see that it has a
quarter of a tank." No sooner had I spilled the words from my mouth, my
tapping dislodged the stuck gauge. It now read "Empty."

I had a can of gas that I used for filling the tank of my lawn mower so I
used the contents to get the Gremlin started. The gas gauge barely
registered as I headed for the gas station. I was about one hundred feet
from the pump when I ran out of gas again. I hated that car.

Now it was war. I ran the car low on oil trying to kill it. The motor ran
fantastic. I ran it low on coolant but the engine never missed a beat. I ran
it low on oil and coolant at the same time and the motor only seemed to run
better. As the car fell apart around me, the motor only became stronger but
I still hated that car.

When I decided to sell it, a friend of mine offered to buy it. I told him
everything that was wrong with it and begged him not to buy it from me. He
really wanted the car and said he'd "fix it up." I tried to give it to him
but he said he wouldn't feel right not paying me something for it. I ended
up selling him the car for fifty dollars.

Two days after he bought the car it caught on fire in his driveway. The
Gremlin burned to the ground and in the process, it caught his other car on
fire. I took comfort in the knowledge that there were then two of us who
hated that car.
++++++++++++++++++
When the guy at the door said, "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms," I just
assumed it was more supplies.
++++++++++++++++++
"Denture Feedback"
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'"
++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Be Good"
A mother was dropping her son off at a friend's house. She said to him, "Will you be good while Mommy's gone?"
The boy replied, "If you give me a dollar!"
His mother shook her head and said to him, "Why can't you be good for nothing like your father?!"

hUMOR For Aug. 4th

"75 Stories"
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis."
- Margaret Bonnano
++++++++++++++++++
"Do It Yourself"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
++++++++++++++++++
When a huge semi-trailer truck overturned in my town recently a TV reporter
gave the news as follows: "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into the nearby
woods."

After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself, "About that
overturned truck, make those Black Angus cattle."
++++++++++++++++++
More Newspaper Bloopers

Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
"Destructive Pests". A large number were present.

The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.

The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump.

The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted
for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily
living.

Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in
the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.

The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in
New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The
bill also applies to Buffalo.

The attorney general's office said yesterday that an autopsy performed on
the headless body of a man found in Mason failed to determine the cause of
death.

The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

"Moby Dick", the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be seen
again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.

Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be
followed by Friday.

The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck
suppers.

The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came
down the aisle.
++++++++++++++++++
"The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own
way." - Josh Billings
++++++++++++++++++
DIARY FROM Arizona

Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died!! The car now smells like baked cat!! I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for three nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

August 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

August 8th:
If another stupid person cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. This heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

August 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs....Now my car smells like burnt hair, baked cat.

August 10th:
The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this heat.

August 14th:
Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me???????????? "Hot enough for you today?"

My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

hUMOR For Aug 3rd

++++++++++++++++++
Sick Aunt

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time
there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith. "I didn't realize it.
You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"
++++++++++++++++++
"Florida Hurricane Advice"
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological hints:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness
plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Illinois and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately,statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Illinois.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now. Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 23 flashlights; at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. Nobody knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: its great living in paradise.
++++++++++++++++++
Mountains of gold would not seduce some men, yet flattery would break them down."
- Henry Ward Beecher
++++++++++++++++++
"Warnings"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
++++++++++++++++++
The kindergarten teacher asked the students in her class to
bring something related to their families' religions to
class the next day.

She asked for volunteers to show what they had brought to
the rest of the class. One boy came forward and said, "I am
Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."

Another child came forward and said, "I am Jewish, and this
is my Star of David."

Another came forward and said, "I am Catholic, and this is
my Rosary."

The last little boy came forward and said, "I am Southern
Baptist, and this is my Covered Dish."
++++++++++++++++++
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on
some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
++++++++++++++++++
One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place
looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake
him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...

"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you
wake up, you're fired!"
++++++++++++++++++
"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play
or not." - Fran Lebowitz
++++++++++++++++++
10 Best Caddie Come Backs!

# 10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try moving heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much, much closer now."

# 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old," Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
++++++++++++++++++
Second Notice

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes
were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill,
saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first
notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."