Lunch and Learn
The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and
Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime. These seminars deal
with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar
lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial
approval to attend. So, last week, this flier came around:
LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager's permission before attending)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better
days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over
again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile,
announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's
after seven o'clock!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Some things to think about
We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the
sails.
There is nothing noble in being superior to someone
else; the only real nobility is in being superior to
your former self.
Education is what you get when you read the fine
print, experience is what you get if you don't.
Some think it's holding on that makes one strong,
some time it is better to let go
Worry is the misuse of imagination.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Why, Oh Why, Oh Why?
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we
know the batteries are getting weak?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"
when they know there is not enough?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are
four billion stars, but check when you say the paint
is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by
lethal injection?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but
ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10. Why are there still apes, if people evolved from
apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath
you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have
materialized?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: JUST CURIOUS
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how
old would you be if you let go?"
THE TITHING
A little boy in church for the first time watched as
the ushers passed around the offering plates. When
they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't
pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
THE BLESSING
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell
me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a
good cook!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Catholics in Las Vegas
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living
in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches
there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers
at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than
cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips
from so many different casinos, the churches have
devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a
nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the
chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed
in.
This is done by the chip monks.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SOUTHERN WOMEN
Southern woman appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.
Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond
expressions:
"Y'all comeback!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and
August:
Summer tans
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their
hearts:
Fried GreenTomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
NASCAR
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with mom's homemade
jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with
Southern charm:
Charleston (Chawl'stn)
Savannah (S'vanah)
New Orleans (N'awlins)
Atlanta(Addlanna)
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends
are fahevah!
Now.......Shugah, send this to some girls who were
raised in the South or wish they had been!
If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your heart,
fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could!
Friday, February 10, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 9th
Batman
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his
new girlfriend, Dorothy.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said
that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place. She laughed
and said "It is, too. It's where Batman lives".
I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was
serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you
think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's because he
doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Jury Duty"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
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Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
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Today's CleanLaugh - "Jury Duty"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Today's Oneliner
"Philosophers always arrive at the same conclusion: I don't know."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Animal Bites"
The African chieftain was so merciful that, when he ascended to power, he forbade the killing of all animals. Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on humans.
Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives. The terrified populace petitioned their leader to rescind his edict, but he refused: thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the chief.
Not only was the revolt successful, it went down in history as the first time in the memory of mankind that a reign was called on account of game.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders
the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served
in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches
for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over,
describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking
Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Can You Figure these Out???
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose
between three rooms. The first is full of raging
fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded
guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him
under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs
him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and
enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it,
and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using
the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how
quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it.
It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong
with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is
unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you
still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it
a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any
coaching!
ANSWERS:
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years
are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of
her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
5. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in
the English language, does not appear once in the long
paragraph
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Secret Thoughts of Doctors
What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of
right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to
Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable
that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is
hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see
if you've paid your last bill before spending any more
time with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The
good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it
will grow into something that can be cured.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the
week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste
of time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for
another office visit.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a
forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a
paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." --
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by
itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm
going to throw up.
"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients
bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" --
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you
here?
"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped
me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I
can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure
out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve
this one.
"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the
third one this week! I'd better learn something about
this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
-- I've never heard of anything so disgusting.
Thankfully I'm off next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.
I went to dinner with my husband, a male friend of ours, Jim, and his
new girlfriend, Dorothy.
While eating dinner we got on the subject of vacations. Dorothy said
that she wanted to go to Gotham City for her next vacation.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a real place. She laughed
and said "It is, too. It's where Batman lives".
I laughed and looked over at Jim who smiled and told me she was
serious. I then tried to explain. "Batman does not exist. Why do you
think there have been three of them: Clooney, Kilmer and Keaton?"
She looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's because he
doesn't want anyone to know who he really is."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Jury Duty"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
FACT: Spyware and Adware programs on the Internet
can infect your PC.
Here are 9 warning signs that indicate
your computer is most likely infected:
http://www.cybersalt.net/rdnuker.htm
Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh - "Jury Duty"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Today's Oneliner
"Philosophers always arrive at the same conclusion: I don't know."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Animal Bites"
The African chieftain was so merciful that, when he ascended to power, he forbade the killing of all animals. Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on humans.
Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives. The terrified populace petitioned their leader to rescind his edict, but he refused: thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the chief.
Not only was the revolt successful, it went down in history as the first time in the memory of mankind that a reign was called on account of game.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders
the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served
in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches
for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over,
describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking
Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Can You Figure these Out???
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose
between three rooms. The first is full of raging
fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded
guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him
under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs
him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and
enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it,
and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using
the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how
quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it.
It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong
with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is
unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you
still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it
a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any
coaching!
ANSWERS:
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years
are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of
her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
3. Charcoal
4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
5. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in
the English language, does not appear once in the long
paragraph
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Secret Thoughts of Doctors
What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of
right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to
Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable
that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is
hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see
if you've paid your last bill before spending any more
time with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The
good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it
will grow into something that can be cured.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the
week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste
of time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for
another office visit.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a
forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a
paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." --
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by
itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm
going to throw up.
"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients
bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" --
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you
here?
"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped
me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I
can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure
out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve
this one.
"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the
third one this week! I'd better learn something about
this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
-- I've never heard of anything so disgusting.
Thankfully I'm off next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 8th
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was
crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an
hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when
suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone
just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Haircut Plan"
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Using Your Head"
"Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Trying to Manipulate God "
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."
Featured *Illustration* items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LESSONS ON LIFE
There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons
to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent
them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a
pear tree that was a great distance away.
The first son went in the winter, the second in the
spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in
the fall.
When they had all gone and come back, he called them
together to describe what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and
twisted. The second son said no it was covered with
green buds and full of promise.
The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with
blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so
beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever
seen.
The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it
was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and
fulfillment.
The man then explained to his sons that they were all
right, because they had each seen but only one season
in the tree's life.
He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a
person, by only one season, and that the essence of
who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come
from that life can only be measured at the end, when
all the seasons are up.
If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the
promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer,
fulfillment of your fall.
Moral:
Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of
all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season.
Persevere through the difficult patches and better
times are sure to come some time or later.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Wisdom From Senior Citizens:
1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is
falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look
astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop
digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they
were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway
through.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the
hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
16. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents
in the back seat cause kids.
17. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's
the sudden stop at the end.
18. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
19. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include
a trip around the sun.
20. The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom.
21. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have
put them on my knees.
22. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and
run. (he hates that.)
23. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way
myself)
24. When you are finally holding all the cards, why
does everyone else decide to play chess?
25. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're
wearing your seatbelt.
26. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick &
the dead.
27. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other
toys.
28. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
29. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.
30. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're
everywhere.
31. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has
the better attorney.
32. The only difference between a rut and a grave is
the depth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Growing Older
A little more tired at the close of day,
A little less anxious to have our way,
A little less ready to scold and blame,
A little more care for a brother's name;
And so we are nearing the journey's end,
Where time and eternity meet and blend.
A little less care for bonds or gold,
A little more zeal for the days of old;
A broader view and a saner mind,
And a little more love for all mankind;
And so we are faring down the way
That leads to the gates of a better day.
A little more love for the friends of youth,
A little more zeal for established truth,
A little more charity in our views,
A little less thirst for the daily news;
And so we are folding our tents away
And passing in silence at close of day.
A little more leisure to sit and dream,
A little more real the things unseen,
A little nearer to those ahead,
With visions of those long loved and dead;
And so we are going where all must go
To the place the living may never know.
A little more laughter, a few more tears,
And we shall have told our increasing years.
The book is closed and the prayers are said,
And we are part of the countless dead;
Thrice happy, then, if some soul can say,
"I live because of their help on the way."
by R. G. Wells
crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an
hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when
suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone
just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Haircut Plan"
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Using Your Head"
"Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Trying to Manipulate God "
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."
Featured *Illustration* items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LESSONS ON LIFE
There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons
to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent
them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a
pear tree that was a great distance away.
The first son went in the winter, the second in the
spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in
the fall.
When they had all gone and come back, he called them
together to describe what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and
twisted. The second son said no it was covered with
green buds and full of promise.
The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with
blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so
beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever
seen.
The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it
was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and
fulfillment.
The man then explained to his sons that they were all
right, because they had each seen but only one season
in the tree's life.
He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a
person, by only one season, and that the essence of
who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come
from that life can only be measured at the end, when
all the seasons are up.
If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the
promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer,
fulfillment of your fall.
Moral:
Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of
all the rest.
Don't judge life by one difficult season.
Persevere through the difficult patches and better
times are sure to come some time or later.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Wisdom From Senior Citizens:
1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is
falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look
astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop
digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they
were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway
through.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the
hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
16. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents
in the back seat cause kids.
17. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's
the sudden stop at the end.
18. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
19. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include
a trip around the sun.
20. The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom.
21. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have
put them on my knees.
22. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and
run. (he hates that.)
23. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way
myself)
24. When you are finally holding all the cards, why
does everyone else decide to play chess?
25. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're
wearing your seatbelt.
26. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick &
the dead.
27. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other
toys.
28. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
29. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.
30. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're
everywhere.
31. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has
the better attorney.
32. The only difference between a rut and a grave is
the depth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Growing Older
A little more tired at the close of day,
A little less anxious to have our way,
A little less ready to scold and blame,
A little more care for a brother's name;
And so we are nearing the journey's end,
Where time and eternity meet and blend.
A little less care for bonds or gold,
A little more zeal for the days of old;
A broader view and a saner mind,
And a little more love for all mankind;
And so we are faring down the way
That leads to the gates of a better day.
A little more love for the friends of youth,
A little more zeal for established truth,
A little more charity in our views,
A little less thirst for the daily news;
And so we are folding our tents away
And passing in silence at close of day.
A little more leisure to sit and dream,
A little more real the things unseen,
A little nearer to those ahead,
With visions of those long loved and dead;
And so we are going where all must go
To the place the living may never know.
A little more laughter, a few more tears,
And we shall have told our increasing years.
The book is closed and the prayers are said,
And we are part of the countless dead;
Thrice happy, then, if some soul can say,
"I live because of their help on the way."
by R. G. Wells
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 7th
When the office printer's type began to grow faint (this was
one of the old dot-matrix printers), the office manager
called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him
that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because
the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the
manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the
job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager
asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to
fix things themselves first."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Immutable Laws
When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one
hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von
Fumbles Law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys
inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)
When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or
glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has
happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)
When things seem to be going well, you've probably
forgotten to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't
followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing
his, it's probably because you have not realized the
seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas)
Most problems are not created or solved; they only
change appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party
hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)
Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call
you've been waiting for all day will arrive.
(Principle of Bellsouth)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth
your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law
of Wasteland)
The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it
is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of
pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)
The probability that one will spill food on one's
clothes is directly proportional to the need to be
clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop)
Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause
the phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now)
Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause
the doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong)
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost
of one's hairdo. (The Don King Principle)
After discarding something not used for years, you
will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal
Irreversibility)
Arriving early for an appointment will cause the
receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late,
everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end,
you won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute
Certainty)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: HARVARD READING TEST
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department
at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of
age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is goat cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line
from the top down and I betcha you can't resist
passing it on.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GCF: Locksmith Revenge
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a
group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car
on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith
picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and
re-locked the car.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SK: Copyright Explained
When you write copy you have the right to copyright
the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however,
your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you
write religious services you write rite, and have the
right to copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have
the right to copyright the right copy they write. A
right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the
right to copyright the right rite he has the right to
write. His editor has the job of making the right rite
copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Thom Wright decide to write right rite, then
Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the
right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy
Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which
Wright would have the right to right.
Right?
Copyright 1991 Shelley Herman S.P.E.B.S.Q.S.A.,
Whittier Chapter If you wish to copy or write this be
certain to copy right the copyright.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Hypnotist
The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most
hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch
gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch.."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
one of the old dot-matrix printers), the office manager
called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him
that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because
the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the
manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the
job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager
asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to
fix things themselves first."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Immutable Laws
When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one
hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von
Fumbles Law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys
inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)
When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or
glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has
happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)
When things seem to be going well, you've probably
forgotten to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't
followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing
his, it's probably because you have not realized the
seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas)
Most problems are not created or solved; they only
change appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party
hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)
Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call
you've been waiting for all day will arrive.
(Principle of Bellsouth)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth
your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law
of Wasteland)
The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it
is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of
pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)
The probability that one will spill food on one's
clothes is directly proportional to the need to be
clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop)
Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause
the phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now)
Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause
the doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong)
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost
of one's hairdo. (The Don King Principle)
After discarding something not used for years, you
will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal
Irreversibility)
Arriving early for an appointment will cause the
receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late,
everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end,
you won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute
Certainty)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: HARVARD READING TEST
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department
at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of
age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is goat cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line
from the top down and I betcha you can't resist
passing it on.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GCF: Locksmith Revenge
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a
group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car
on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith
picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and
re-locked the car.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SK: Copyright Explained
When you write copy you have the right to copyright
the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however,
your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you
write religious services you write rite, and have the
right to copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have
the right to copyright the right copy they write. A
right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the
right to copyright the right rite he has the right to
write. His editor has the job of making the right rite
copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Thom Wright decide to write right rite, then
Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the
right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy
Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which
Wright would have the right to right.
Right?
Copyright 1991 Shelley Herman S.P.E.B.S.Q.S.A.,
Whittier Chapter If you wish to copy or write this be
certain to copy right the copyright.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Hypnotist
The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist
do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most
hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch
gently back and forth
while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch.."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
Monday, February 06, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 6th
"Senior's Ode to Medication"
A row of bottles on my shelf
caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills,
helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Night Before Christmas (Legal Style)
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams,wherein visions of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the
party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had
retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties
were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House,
i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or
circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a
window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter
"the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air
by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified
the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon
information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional
co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and
other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior
invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle
arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered
with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing
a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown
items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in
blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and
other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts"
to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof
where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus
immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from
said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or
exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words
to that effect.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Soup Solution "
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, sir. The frog should surface any moment now.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."
- Mary Wilson Little
Thanks to Phil Ittenbach for today's Illustration.
- "Who Started Christmas?"
A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year---overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.
Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff.
When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, ?Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up, and shot.? From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, ?Don't worry. We already crucified him.?
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senior Ailments
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I work 40 hours a week to be this poor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Parties
What are the three great American parties?
Democrat, Republican, and Tupperware.
A row of bottles on my shelf
caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills,
helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Night Before Christmas (Legal Style)
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at
a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House
were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams,wherein visions of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred
to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the
party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had
retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties
were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House,
i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or
circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a
window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter
"the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air
by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle
appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance
to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified
the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon
information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional
co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and
other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior
invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle
arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered
with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing
a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown
items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in
blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and
other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts"
to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof
where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus
immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from
said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or
exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words
to that effect.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Soup Solution "
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, sir. The frog should surface any moment now.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."
- Mary Wilson Little
Thanks to Phil Ittenbach for today's Illustration.
- "Who Started Christmas?"
A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year---overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.
Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff.
When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, ?Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up, and shot.? From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, ?Don't worry. We already crucified him.?
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senior Ailments
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I work 40 hours a week to be this poor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Parties
What are the three great American parties?
Democrat, Republican, and Tupperware.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
hUMOR For 2-5-06
Wedding Vows
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my
Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take
this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your
wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three-man Business Account
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a
want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by
a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man
said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my
worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I
don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will
be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does
the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man
exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum
like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J&GB -- An 80 year old woman was arrested
for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did
you steal?"
She replied: "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she
replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the
can.
She replied, "6."
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the
punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the
judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas... "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where is the Post Office?
A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of
a store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who
asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office
is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down
the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new
preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to
church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on;
you don't even know the way to the post office!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From WS: Benefits Of The Company Car
1. It accelerates at a phenominal rate.
2. It has a much shorter braking distance than the
private car.
3. It can take speed humps at twice the speed of
private cars.
4. The battery , radiator water, oil and tires never
have to be checked.
5. The floor is cunningly designed to double as an
ashtray.
6. It does not need to be kept under shelter at night.
7. It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil
warning light flashing.
8. It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
9. The suspension is reinforced to allow for the
weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other
building material.
10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily
eliminated by turning up the radio.
11. It needs no security system and may be left
anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
12. It is the only type of car able to leave the road
in game reserves and chase after animals in the bush
for a closer look.
13. It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques
and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my
Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take
this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your
wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three-man Business Account
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a
want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by
a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man
said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my
worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I
don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will
be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does
the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man
exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum
like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J&GB -- An 80 year old woman was arrested
for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did
you steal?"
She replied: "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she
replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the
can.
She replied, "6."
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the
punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the
judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas... "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where is the Post Office?
A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of
a store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who
asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office
is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down
the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new
preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to
church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on;
you don't even know the way to the post office!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From WS: Benefits Of The Company Car
1. It accelerates at a phenominal rate.
2. It has a much shorter braking distance than the
private car.
3. It can take speed humps at twice the speed of
private cars.
4. The battery , radiator water, oil and tires never
have to be checked.
5. The floor is cunningly designed to double as an
ashtray.
6. It does not need to be kept under shelter at night.
7. It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil
warning light flashing.
8. It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
9. The suspension is reinforced to allow for the
weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other
building material.
10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily
eliminated by turning up the radio.
11. It needs no security system and may be left
anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
12. It is the only type of car able to leave the road
in game reserves and chase after animals in the bush
for a closer look.
13. It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques
and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 4th
City Fisherman
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take
out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the
mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on
the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down
and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the
way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah
started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she
was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her
mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand
and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves,
made her third wish: "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to K - Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated
evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with,
"Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound
anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The
Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like
that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam
personally and why was he was calling this number. I
then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures
of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller
that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on
the line because we had already traced this call and
he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local
courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his
name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he
prove where he had been about one hour before he made
this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned
and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his
position at his work place and the police were
entering the building to take him into custody. At
that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying
of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I
had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I
couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Things Change Soooo Fast...
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much
do you weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the
scale. It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and
sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman
it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in
here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and
fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LiMo -- Little Johnny’s Lunch
In the valley there was nestled a little Church,
simple and true,
They had service every Sunday, but on Monday they had
school.
The boys that there attended were a rowdy, ruffin’
bunch ~
Why, they couldn't keep a teacher...hardly more than
just a month!
So the school board thought the answer would be a
tough old man to rule;
And they found a strict old gentleman who brought
order to the school.
He had a blacksnake laying on his desk when they came
in -
Out in plain site it was displayed so they couldn't
miss a seein’.
On the first day there was order and the young boys
there could see
That there would be no tolerance, but a place across
the knee.
They all sat there in silence as the teacher wrote the
rules ~
There would be no horse play goin’ on, there'd be
order at the school.
No one stealin’ - no one lyin’ not a sin would wink
the eye
And the kids all got obedient ~there went up a great
big sigh.
Then one day, as it came lunch hour, big ol’ Billy Bob
spoke out;
"Someone stole my lunch, old Teacher, every bite is
taken out."
A silence like a shudder passed throughout all the
room
And the boys all came to understand, the company of a
fool.
For who would disobey the rules with the punishment in
sight?
Who would do a thing that (listed on the blackboard)
was not right?
The teacher said, "The rule is made ~ written down for
you to see;
Now who will be a man - own up - and bare his back for
me?"
Not a whisper there was uttered...no one even looked
around ~
But there'd be no lunch break taken, till the ornery
thief was found!
Finally, in resigned guiltiness,a small frail hand was
raised,
"Teacher, I'm the one who took it," and he gathered
every gaze;
For the small boy wasn't arrogant ~ and a sorrow
filled the class ~
He was the last one anyone wanted to see punished ~ if
you asked.
Front of everyone, he made it to the teacher’s desk -
was asked,
"Why'd you take that lunch, now Johnny? You know my
rules ~ my task."
Little Johnny said, "Well teacher, my mama died last
year,
And my dad he took to drinkin’ kinda killed the pain
and fear;
And sometimes I get so hungry, ~ now, it’s been three
days at least,
And I only meant to smell it, but I guess I made a
feast."
"Take your coat off, little Jimmy, for I cannot change
the rules;
What’s been plainly set before you - you can't break
the rules of school."
When the coat was off the kids all gasped ~ there
wasn't any shirt...
If he had those stripes laid on ~ oh, how it would
hurt!
This boy was small, ~ no wonder ~ all his ribs were
seen ~
No matter how you looked at him he was far less than
"lean".
He leaned across the teachers desk - the whip was
raised up high.
The kids had big old tears well up in every single
eye...
Then from the biggest boy in class Billy Bob
spoke..."Oh, wait!
I know we cannot break the rules... could I those
lashes take?"
The teacher looked at all the kids...he knew to keep
his class
In order, he must keep the rules...he couldn't let it
pass.
So Billy Bob walked to the front, his muscles were all
showing,
The teacher slowly raised the whip each lash was given
slowly.
And...after class, when kids came running out the
schoolhouse door...
One little boy stood waiting for a big boy he adored!
He thanked profusely for the act, the courage Billy
Bob had mustered,
The tears were there on Jimmy’s face (all around
friends clustered.)
They all had seen an act of love that brought the
sting and pain,
They all saw Billy Bob a different way ‘twould never
be the same...
I think I've stood before the world with sins I could
not hide.
The rules were there in that Black Book that should
have been my guide.
And Someone stepped between the whip, Someone took my
place...
Someone with a lot of love saved me from disgrace!
Someone Who’s amazing every year I travel through..
I love Him so...and you should know ~ He'll do the
same for you!
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take
out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the
mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on
the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down
and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the
way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah
started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she
was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her
mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand
and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves,
made her third wish: "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to K - Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated
evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with,
"Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound
anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The
Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like
that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam
personally and why was he was calling this number. I
then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures
of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller
that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on
the line because we had already traced this call and
he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local
courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his
name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he
prove where he had been about one hour before he made
this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned
and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his
position at his work place and the police were
entering the building to take him into custody. At
that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying
of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I
had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I
couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Things Change Soooo Fast...
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much
do you weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the
scale. It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and
sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman
it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in
here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and
fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LiMo -- Little Johnny’s Lunch
In the valley there was nestled a little Church,
simple and true,
They had service every Sunday, but on Monday they had
school.
The boys that there attended were a rowdy, ruffin’
bunch ~
Why, they couldn't keep a teacher...hardly more than
just a month!
So the school board thought the answer would be a
tough old man to rule;
And they found a strict old gentleman who brought
order to the school.
He had a blacksnake laying on his desk when they came
in -
Out in plain site it was displayed so they couldn't
miss a seein’.
On the first day there was order and the young boys
there could see
That there would be no tolerance, but a place across
the knee.
They all sat there in silence as the teacher wrote the
rules ~
There would be no horse play goin’ on, there'd be
order at the school.
No one stealin’ - no one lyin’ not a sin would wink
the eye
And the kids all got obedient ~there went up a great
big sigh.
Then one day, as it came lunch hour, big ol’ Billy Bob
spoke out;
"Someone stole my lunch, old Teacher, every bite is
taken out."
A silence like a shudder passed throughout all the
room
And the boys all came to understand, the company of a
fool.
For who would disobey the rules with the punishment in
sight?
Who would do a thing that (listed on the blackboard)
was not right?
The teacher said, "The rule is made ~ written down for
you to see;
Now who will be a man - own up - and bare his back for
me?"
Not a whisper there was uttered...no one even looked
around ~
But there'd be no lunch break taken, till the ornery
thief was found!
Finally, in resigned guiltiness,a small frail hand was
raised,
"Teacher, I'm the one who took it," and he gathered
every gaze;
For the small boy wasn't arrogant ~ and a sorrow
filled the class ~
He was the last one anyone wanted to see punished ~ if
you asked.
Front of everyone, he made it to the teacher’s desk -
was asked,
"Why'd you take that lunch, now Johnny? You know my
rules ~ my task."
Little Johnny said, "Well teacher, my mama died last
year,
And my dad he took to drinkin’ kinda killed the pain
and fear;
And sometimes I get so hungry, ~ now, it’s been three
days at least,
And I only meant to smell it, but I guess I made a
feast."
"Take your coat off, little Jimmy, for I cannot change
the rules;
What’s been plainly set before you - you can't break
the rules of school."
When the coat was off the kids all gasped ~ there
wasn't any shirt...
If he had those stripes laid on ~ oh, how it would
hurt!
This boy was small, ~ no wonder ~ all his ribs were
seen ~
No matter how you looked at him he was far less than
"lean".
He leaned across the teachers desk - the whip was
raised up high.
The kids had big old tears well up in every single
eye...
Then from the biggest boy in class Billy Bob
spoke..."Oh, wait!
I know we cannot break the rules... could I those
lashes take?"
The teacher looked at all the kids...he knew to keep
his class
In order, he must keep the rules...he couldn't let it
pass.
So Billy Bob walked to the front, his muscles were all
showing,
The teacher slowly raised the whip each lash was given
slowly.
And...after class, when kids came running out the
schoolhouse door...
One little boy stood waiting for a big boy he adored!
He thanked profusely for the act, the courage Billy
Bob had mustered,
The tears were there on Jimmy’s face (all around
friends clustered.)
They all had seen an act of love that brought the
sting and pain,
They all saw Billy Bob a different way ‘twould never
be the same...
I think I've stood before the world with sins I could
not hide.
The rules were there in that Black Book that should
have been my guide.
And Someone stepped between the whip, Someone took my
place...
Someone with a lot of love saved me from disgrace!
Someone Who’s amazing every year I travel through..
I love Him so...and you should know ~ He'll do the
same for you!
hUMOR For Feb. 4th
City Fisherman
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take
out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the
mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on
the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down
and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the
way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah
started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she
was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her
mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand
and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves,
made her third wish: "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to K - Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated
evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with,
"Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound
anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The
Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like
that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam
personally and why was he was calling this number. I
then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures
of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller
that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on
the line because we had already traced this call and
he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local
courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his
name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he
prove where he had been about one hour before he made
this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned
and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his
position at his work place and the police were
entering the building to take him into custody. At
that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying
of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I
had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I
couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Things Change Soooo Fast...
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much
do you weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the
scale. It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and
sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman
it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in
here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and
fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LiMo -- Little Johnny’s Lunch
In the valley there was nestled a little Church,
simple and true,
They had service every Sunday, but on Monday they had
school.
The boys that there attended were a rowdy, ruffin’
bunch ~
Why, they couldn't keep a teacher...hardly more than
just a month!
So the school board thought the answer would be a
tough old man to rule;
And they found a strict old gentleman who brought
order to the school.
He had a blacksnake laying on his desk when they came
in -
Out in plain site it was displayed so they couldn't
miss a seein’.
On the first day there was order and the young boys
there could see
That there would be no tolerance, but a place across
the knee.
They all sat there in silence as the teacher wrote the
rules ~
There would be no horse play goin’ on, there'd be
order at the school.
No one stealin’ - no one lyin’ not a sin would wink
the eye
And the kids all got obedient ~there went up a great
big sigh.
Then one day, as it came lunch hour, big ol’ Billy Bob
spoke out;
"Someone stole my lunch, old Teacher, every bite is
taken out."
A silence like a shudder passed throughout all the
room
And the boys all came to understand, the company of a
fool.
For who would disobey the rules with the punishment in
sight?
Who would do a thing that (listed on the blackboard)
was not right?
The teacher said, "The rule is made ~ written down for
you to see;
Now who will be a man - own up - and bare his back for
me?"
Not a whisper there was uttered...no one even looked
around ~
But there'd be no lunch break taken, till the ornery
thief was found!
Finally, in resigned guiltiness,a small frail hand was
raised,
"Teacher, I'm the one who took it," and he gathered
every gaze;
For the small boy wasn't arrogant ~ and a sorrow
filled the class ~
He was the last one anyone wanted to see punished ~ if
you asked.
Front of everyone, he made it to the teacher’s desk -
was asked,
"Why'd you take that lunch, now Johnny? You know my
rules ~ my task."
Little Johnny said, "Well teacher, my mama died last
year,
And my dad he took to drinkin’ kinda killed the pain
and fear;
And sometimes I get so hungry, ~ now, it’s been three
days at least,
And I only meant to smell it, but I guess I made a
feast."
"Take your coat off, little Jimmy, for I cannot change
the rules;
What’s been plainly set before you - you can't break
the rules of school."
When the coat was off the kids all gasped ~ there
wasn't any shirt...
If he had those stripes laid on ~ oh, how it would
hurt!
This boy was small, ~ no wonder ~ all his ribs were
seen ~
No matter how you looked at him he was far less than
"lean".
He leaned across the teachers desk - the whip was
raised up high.
The kids had big old tears well up in every single
eye...
Then from the biggest boy in class Billy Bob
spoke..."Oh, wait!
I know we cannot break the rules... could I those
lashes take?"
The teacher looked at all the kids...he knew to keep
his class
In order, he must keep the rules...he couldn't let it
pass.
So Billy Bob walked to the front, his muscles were all
showing,
The teacher slowly raised the whip each lash was given
slowly.
And...after class, when kids came running out the
schoolhouse door...
One little boy stood waiting for a big boy he adored!
He thanked profusely for the act, the courage Billy
Bob had mustered,
The tears were there on Jimmy’s face (all around
friends clustered.)
They all had seen an act of love that brought the
sting and pain,
They all saw Billy Bob a different way ‘twould never
be the same...
I think I've stood before the world with sins I could
not hide.
The rules were there in that Black Book that should
have been my guide.
And Someone stepped between the whip, Someone took my
place...
Someone with a lot of love saved me from disgrace!
Someone Who’s amazing every year I travel through..
I love Him so...and you should know ~ He'll do the
same for you!
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take
out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the
mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on
the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down
and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the
way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah
started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she
was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her
mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand
and proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves,
made her third wish: "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to K - Pesky Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated
evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with,
"Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound
anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The
Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like
that and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam
personally and why was he was calling this number. I
then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures
of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller
that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on
the line because we had already traced this call and
he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local
courthouse to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his
name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he
worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he
prove where he had been about one hour before he made
this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned
and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his
position at his work place and the police were
entering the building to take him into custody. At
that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying
of his running away.
My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I
had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I
couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Things Change Soooo Fast...
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much
do you weigh?" she asks.
"120," the woman says. The nurse puts her on the
scale. It turns out her weight is 150.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 feet, 8 inches," she says. The nurse checks and
sees that she measures only 5 feet, 5 inches.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman
it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams. "When I came in
here, I was tall and slender, and now I'm short and
fat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LiMo -- Little Johnny’s Lunch
In the valley there was nestled a little Church,
simple and true,
They had service every Sunday, but on Monday they had
school.
The boys that there attended were a rowdy, ruffin’
bunch ~
Why, they couldn't keep a teacher...hardly more than
just a month!
So the school board thought the answer would be a
tough old man to rule;
And they found a strict old gentleman who brought
order to the school.
He had a blacksnake laying on his desk when they came
in -
Out in plain site it was displayed so they couldn't
miss a seein’.
On the first day there was order and the young boys
there could see
That there would be no tolerance, but a place across
the knee.
They all sat there in silence as the teacher wrote the
rules ~
There would be no horse play goin’ on, there'd be
order at the school.
No one stealin’ - no one lyin’ not a sin would wink
the eye
And the kids all got obedient ~there went up a great
big sigh.
Then one day, as it came lunch hour, big ol’ Billy Bob
spoke out;
"Someone stole my lunch, old Teacher, every bite is
taken out."
A silence like a shudder passed throughout all the
room
And the boys all came to understand, the company of a
fool.
For who would disobey the rules with the punishment in
sight?
Who would do a thing that (listed on the blackboard)
was not right?
The teacher said, "The rule is made ~ written down for
you to see;
Now who will be a man - own up - and bare his back for
me?"
Not a whisper there was uttered...no one even looked
around ~
But there'd be no lunch break taken, till the ornery
thief was found!
Finally, in resigned guiltiness,a small frail hand was
raised,
"Teacher, I'm the one who took it," and he gathered
every gaze;
For the small boy wasn't arrogant ~ and a sorrow
filled the class ~
He was the last one anyone wanted to see punished ~ if
you asked.
Front of everyone, he made it to the teacher’s desk -
was asked,
"Why'd you take that lunch, now Johnny? You know my
rules ~ my task."
Little Johnny said, "Well teacher, my mama died last
year,
And my dad he took to drinkin’ kinda killed the pain
and fear;
And sometimes I get so hungry, ~ now, it’s been three
days at least,
And I only meant to smell it, but I guess I made a
feast."
"Take your coat off, little Jimmy, for I cannot change
the rules;
What’s been plainly set before you - you can't break
the rules of school."
When the coat was off the kids all gasped ~ there
wasn't any shirt...
If he had those stripes laid on ~ oh, how it would
hurt!
This boy was small, ~ no wonder ~ all his ribs were
seen ~
No matter how you looked at him he was far less than
"lean".
He leaned across the teachers desk - the whip was
raised up high.
The kids had big old tears well up in every single
eye...
Then from the biggest boy in class Billy Bob
spoke..."Oh, wait!
I know we cannot break the rules... could I those
lashes take?"
The teacher looked at all the kids...he knew to keep
his class
In order, he must keep the rules...he couldn't let it
pass.
So Billy Bob walked to the front, his muscles were all
showing,
The teacher slowly raised the whip each lash was given
slowly.
And...after class, when kids came running out the
schoolhouse door...
One little boy stood waiting for a big boy he adored!
He thanked profusely for the act, the courage Billy
Bob had mustered,
The tears were there on Jimmy’s face (all around
friends clustered.)
They all had seen an act of love that brought the
sting and pain,
They all saw Billy Bob a different way ‘twould never
be the same...
I think I've stood before the world with sins I could
not hide.
The rules were there in that Black Book that should
have been my guide.
And Someone stepped between the whip, Someone took my
place...
Someone with a lot of love saved me from disgrace!
Someone Who’s amazing every year I travel through..
I love Him so...and you should know ~ He'll do the
same for you!
Friday, February 03, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 3rd
Hearing Request
During a revival meeting, an evangelist asked the people in line what
they needed.
One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his
finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and then asked him,
"How's your hearing now?"
He said, "I don't know - it's next Tuesday."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: The Baptist Barber Shop
After forty years of shaving himself every morning, a
man in a small Southern town decided he had enough.
He told his wife that he intended to let the local
barber shave him from now on. He went to the shop,
which was owned by the pastor of their Baptist church.
The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day so she
performed the task.
Grace shaved him, sprayed him with lilac water and
said, "That will be $20." The man thought it a bit
high, but paid the bill and went to work. The next
morning he looked in the mirror and his face was just
as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop
the day before."Not bad," he thought. "At least I
don't need to get a shave every day."
The next morning the man's face was still smooth. Two
weeks later, still smooth. It was more than he could
take, so he returned to the barbershop. "I thought $20
was high for a shave," he told the barber's wife,"but
you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks
and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."
"Of course they haven't," she replied.
"You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always
shaved."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: More Yogi-isms...
"You can't think and hit at the same time."
"Nobody goes there; it's too crowded."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
"The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my
hands."
"We were overwhelming underdogs."
"The other team could make trouble for us if they
win."
"It's never happened in World Series history, and it
hasn't happened since."
"It's deja vu all over again!"
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"If people don't come to the ballpark, how are you
gonna stop them?"
"If you ask me a question, I don't know I'm not going
to answer."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump...I just ain't hitting."
"It was hard to have a conversation with anyone, there
were too many people talking."
"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you
travel."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"We're lost, but we're making good time."
"If the world were perfect it wouldn't be."
"If I didn't wake up I'd still be sleeping."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TC: Agreement is Dangerous
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when
they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and
unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an
American Marine in similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid
was given to both men, the squad leader asked the
injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving
north along the highway here, and coming south was a
heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both
took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable,
lowlife, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy
is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a
frigid, mean spirited woman!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does
Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the
road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Three worms were placed into separate jars.
1. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
2. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
3. The third worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the
following results:
1. The first worm in alcohol - DEAD.
2. The second worm in cigarette smoke - DEAD.
3. The third worm in good, clean soil - ALIVE.
So the minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn
from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and
said, "As long as you drink or smoke, you won't have worms!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Pain Management"
My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth.
Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.
Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Everybody wants to save the earth; few want to help Mom do the dishes."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Speaking the Truth"
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.
"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
City Fisherman
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take
out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the
mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on
the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down
and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the
way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
During a revival meeting, an evangelist asked the people in line what
they needed.
One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his
finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and then asked him,
"How's your hearing now?"
He said, "I don't know - it's next Tuesday."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: The Baptist Barber Shop
After forty years of shaving himself every morning, a
man in a small Southern town decided he had enough.
He told his wife that he intended to let the local
barber shave him from now on. He went to the shop,
which was owned by the pastor of their Baptist church.
The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day so she
performed the task.
Grace shaved him, sprayed him with lilac water and
said, "That will be $20." The man thought it a bit
high, but paid the bill and went to work. The next
morning he looked in the mirror and his face was just
as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop
the day before."Not bad," he thought. "At least I
don't need to get a shave every day."
The next morning the man's face was still smooth. Two
weeks later, still smooth. It was more than he could
take, so he returned to the barbershop. "I thought $20
was high for a shave," he told the barber's wife,"but
you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks
and my whiskers still haven't started growing back."
"Of course they haven't," she replied.
"You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always
shaved."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: More Yogi-isms...
"You can't think and hit at the same time."
"Nobody goes there; it's too crowded."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
"The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my
hands."
"We were overwhelming underdogs."
"The other team could make trouble for us if they
win."
"It's never happened in World Series history, and it
hasn't happened since."
"It's deja vu all over again!"
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"If people don't come to the ballpark, how are you
gonna stop them?"
"If you ask me a question, I don't know I'm not going
to answer."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump...I just ain't hitting."
"It was hard to have a conversation with anyone, there
were too many people talking."
"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you
travel."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"We're lost, but we're making good time."
"If the world were perfect it wouldn't be."
"If I didn't wake up I'd still be sleeping."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TC: Agreement is Dangerous
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when
they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and
unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an
American Marine in similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid
was given to both men, the squad leader asked the
injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving
north along the highway here, and coming south was a
heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both
took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable,
lowlife, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy
is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a
frigid, mean spirited woman!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does
Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the
road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Three worms were placed into separate jars.
1. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
2. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
3. The third worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the
following results:
1. The first worm in alcohol - DEAD.
2. The second worm in cigarette smoke - DEAD.
3. The third worm in good, clean soil - ALIVE.
So the minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn
from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and
said, "As long as you drink or smoke, you won't have worms!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Pain Management"
My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth.
Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.
Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Everybody wants to save the earth; few want to help Mom do the dishes."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Speaking the Truth"
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.
"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
City Fisherman
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat.
He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take
out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the
mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on
the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down
and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the
way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 2nd
Shoe Store
I was waiting on some customers at the shoe store where I work when I
was interrupted by a very determined woman. Pointing to a sneaker
made by Reebok, she asked, "Do you have this in a Nike?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave
me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that
big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks
in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of
my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hearing Request"
During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed.
One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your hearing now?"
He said, "I don't know - it's next Tuesday."
(Thanks to list member Roger Barcus who passed this along after it actually happened in his wife's sister's church!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Fish Tank"
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Li Mo -- Fender Skirts? What the heck is a
fender skirt?
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday "FENDER
SKIRTS". A term I haven't heard in a long time and
thinking about "fender skirts"started me thinking
about other words that quietly disappear from our
language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd
been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that
direction first. Any kids will probably have to find
some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these
terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper
extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to
make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At
some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But
I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency
brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone
who would call the accelerator the "foot feed".
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to
come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to
the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but
never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about
everything is store-bought these days. But once it was
bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a
store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts
of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we
take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors
me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical
term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his
or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall
carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall
carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase in a
family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word
"pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a
little too clinical for use in polite company. So we
had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a
family way" or simply "expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I
said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I
guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably
wouldn't be understood at all.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I
considered "movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a
pure-'60s word I came across the other day "rat fink."
Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a
fun word to say. And what was it replaced with?
"Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for
this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant
to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words
like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the
1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out
lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe
that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear
mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore!
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the
endangered list. The one that grieves me most
"supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great
word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender
skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of
a "certain age" would remember most of these.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as
stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes
really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day,
right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive
smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife
lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He
asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to
prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she
wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint
can and it said . . . .
You'll love this . .
Yep . . I know you will . .
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
I was waiting on some customers at the shoe store where I work when I
was interrupted by a very determined woman. Pointing to a sneaker
made by Reebok, she asked, "Do you have this in a Nike?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave
me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that
big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks
in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of
my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hearing Request"
During a January revival an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed.
One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your hearing now?"
He said, "I don't know - it's next Tuesday."
(Thanks to list member Roger Barcus who passed this along after it actually happened in his wife's sister's church!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Fish Tank"
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Li Mo -- Fender Skirts? What the heck is a
fender skirt?
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday "FENDER
SKIRTS". A term I haven't heard in a long time and
thinking about "fender skirts"started me thinking
about other words that quietly disappear from our
language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd
been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that
direction first. Any kids will probably have to find
some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these
terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper
extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to
make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At
some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But
I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency
brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone
who would call the accelerator the "foot feed".
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to
come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to
the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but
never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about
everything is store-bought these days. But once it was
bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a
store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts
of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we
take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors
me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical
term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his
or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall
carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall
carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase in a
family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word
"pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a
little too clinical for use in polite company. So we
had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a
family way" or simply "expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I
said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I
guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably
wouldn't be understood at all.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I
considered "movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a
pure-'60s word I came across the other day "rat fink."
Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a
fun word to say. And what was it replaced with?
"Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for
this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant
to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words
like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the
1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out
lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe
that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear
mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore!
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the
endangered list. The one that grieves me most
"supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great
word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender
skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of
a "certain age" would remember most of these.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as
stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes
really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day,
right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive
smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife
lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He
asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to
prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she
wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint
can and it said . . . .
You'll love this . .
Yep . . I know you will . .
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
hUMOR For Feb. 1st
"Oarsmen News"
One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile."
The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.
The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote - Manhood
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." - Plato
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his
appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who
watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his
regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man
leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's
office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller
stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the
young man would stand around doing nothing.
The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his
watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and
began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again,
and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the
young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"
The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and
fifty dollars," he said.
Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from
the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get
out! Don't let me see you around here again!"
The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.
Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or
any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he
found him, Swiller was red with anger. "That idler in front
of your office," Swiller said. "I just gave him a week's pay
and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand
around as though he had nothing to do?"
"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.
"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"
"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for
lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around
the corner."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Terribly Punny
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from
the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past
security, stole the paintings and made it safely to
his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away
when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and
then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van
Gogh."
(And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to send you a
story like this.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Create your iHealthRecord Today!
I've just created iHealthRecords , and wanted to tell
you about this great new service! You can create a
secure online health record for everyone in your
family which will let you keep all of their important
health information in one place. Because the records
are online, you can always access them from wherever
you are. And you can grant privileges to your
physicians, as well as a friend or family member who
could access it for you in the event of an emergency.
A handy little wallet card lets you alert anyone that
you have a health record, and it provides emergency
contact information.
Its easy to do-and takes less than ? hour to complete
each record. The best part is you can print it out
and take it to your physician's office; no more
clipboards!
I can't imagine not having this service, especially
for emergencies and when we travel. Check it out!
Go to: http://www.ihealthrecord.org
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CT: Bibles for sale
A minister concluded that his church was getting into
serious financial troubles.
While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been
opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers
from the congregation who would be willing to sell the
bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the
desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to
volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their
living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling
some bibles.
But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local
farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was
embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to
discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try
anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of
their cars stacked with bibles.
He asked them to meet with him and report the results
of their door-to-door selling efforts the following
Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the
minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how
did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the preacher an envelope, Peter
replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell
20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf
of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously
shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and
the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you
sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently
replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28
bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I
collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid,
Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the
church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said,
"And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last
week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The preacher opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie,
there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you
sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just
one week?"
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in
unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim
to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed.
"I think you'd better explain how you managed to
accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't
kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud,
Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they
answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to
b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten
b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here
and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!
One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile."
The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.
The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote - Manhood
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." - Plato
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his
appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who
watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his
regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man
leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's
office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller
stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the
young man would stand around doing nothing.
The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his
watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and
began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again,
and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the
young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"
The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and
fifty dollars," he said.
Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from
the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get
out! Don't let me see you around here again!"
The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.
Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or
any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he
found him, Swiller was red with anger. "That idler in front
of your office," Swiller said. "I just gave him a week's pay
and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand
around as though he had nothing to do?"
"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.
"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"
"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for
lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around
the corner."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Terribly Punny
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from
the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past
security, stole the paintings and made it safely to
his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away
when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and
then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van
Gogh."
(And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to send you a
story like this.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Create your iHealthRecord Today!
I've just created iHealthRecords , and wanted to tell
you about this great new service! You can create a
secure online health record for everyone in your
family which will let you keep all of their important
health information in one place. Because the records
are online, you can always access them from wherever
you are. And you can grant privileges to your
physicians, as well as a friend or family member who
could access it for you in the event of an emergency.
A handy little wallet card lets you alert anyone that
you have a health record, and it provides emergency
contact information.
Its easy to do-and takes less than ? hour to complete
each record. The best part is you can print it out
and take it to your physician's office; no more
clipboards!
I can't imagine not having this service, especially
for emergencies and when we travel. Check it out!
Go to: http://www.ihealthrecord.org
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CT: Bibles for sale
A minister concluded that his church was getting into
serious financial troubles.
While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been
opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers
from the congregation who would be willing to sell the
bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the
desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to
volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their
living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling
some bibles.
But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local
farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was
embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to
discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try
anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of
their cars stacked with bibles.
He asked them to meet with him and report the results
of their door-to-door selling efforts the following
Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the
minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how
did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the preacher an envelope, Peter
replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell
20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf
of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously
shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and
the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you
sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently
replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28
bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I
collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid,
Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the
church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said,
"And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last
week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The preacher opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie,
there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you
sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just
one week?"
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in
unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim
to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed.
"I think you'd better explain how you managed to
accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't
kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud,
Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they
answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to
b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten
b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here
and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
hUMNOR For Jan 31st
In the year 1981,
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope John Paul II was shot.
In the year 2005,
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The Pope died.
Lesson learned? The next time Charles gets married, someone
warn the Pope!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous
2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place
any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to
school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
[She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.]
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.] "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." [Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.]
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" [Then the kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much! ]
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all
of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they
all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff
inside there."
[Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Five Myths About Lawyers
As an alumnus of Yale Law School who spent less time practicing law
than studying it, I take great pleasure in offering unrequested
advice to people contemplating a career in law. Here are five myths
about legal education and practice.
Myth #1: A legal education is a great means to embark on any of a
variety of non-legal careers.
Absolutely true. If studying law doesn't get you to embark on a
non-legal career, then nothing will.
Myth #2: Legal thought is intellectually rigorous.
Also true. Law students have been known to spend days debating
whether an italicized comma differs in appearance from a normal
comma, and which comma should be employed when citing sections of the
United Hairstylists Personal Hygiene Code. As a lawyer might say,
"that's not just rigor, that's rigor mortis." (i.e., "that's some
deadly serious Latin rigor.")
Myth # 3: Life as a high-powered attorney at a big New York firm is
exciting and glamorous.
This is entirely true, if:
1) You laugh uncontrollably when your great uncle Larry does his
impersonation of Dwight Eisenhower eating potato salad;
2) Your adrenalin flows when you spot a typographical error in the
want ads of the Guilford Post-Gazette; or
3) Your bedroom wall features a large framed photograph of you
shaking hands with Home Depot's Vice President in Charge of Shower
Curtain Inventory because it's a moment you wish to cherish forever.
Myth #4: Most national leaders went to law school, so if you go to
law school, you will probably become a national leader.
If you subscribe to this myth, there are a few things you should
know. First, you will bomb the LSAT so completely that your driver's
license will be revoked. Second, there are other ways to become a
national leader. You could make a billion dollars playing Internet
poker, for example. Or you could get married to Renee Zellweger and
three days later have the vows annulled. Or you could write a
self-help book entitled "Reorganizing the FEMA Within." Remember that
this is America and ergo ("ergo" is Latin for "out of the pale, pale
blue") leadership is as close as the next episode of "The Apprentice."
Myth #5: Being a lawyer brings with it vast wealth.
The accessibility of big money is undeniable. Let's say you are a
first-year associate in New York. Your parents tell all their
friends, who experience such acute boredom that they drift away from
the conversation to watch their cuticles age. But that is beside the
point. The point is that you make about $125K a year. You work the
standard 120 hours a week (and bill clients for at least twice that),
so your job is equivalent to three jobs of 40 hours a week that each
pay you $41,667 per year. Given your high tax bracket and the vodka
martinis you feel compelled to buy for friends who are "artists"
living off trust funds they never mention, you probably come away
dead even with someone working normal hours at $29,000 per year.
Namely the guy who conducts Jell-O salad taste tests for a nursing-home chain.
Ah, you say, but here's the rub: Whereas the Jell-O taster may never
make anything of himself, you will one day become partner. Yes,
partner! When that big ship docks at your port, you will have
permission to use the partner-only bathroom, first pick of the firm's
Shea Stadium seats right behind the visitors' dugout, and oodles and
oodles of cash. You will stuff your mattress so full with Krugerrands
that you will sleep with your face squished against the ceiling. Even
after making payment on your two alimonies, three mortgages, and
endless pharmacy bills for anti-depressants, you will have enough
left over each month to buy two decaf triple grande mocha eggnog lattes.
But the question is: Will you be happy? And the answer is simple: Not
if they're decaf.
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope John Paul II was shot.
In the year 2005,
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. The Pope died.
Lesson learned? The next time Charles gets married, someone
warn the Pope!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Middle Wife
By an Anonymous
2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place
any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to
school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
[She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.]
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.] "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." [Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.]
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" [Then the kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much! ]
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all
of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they
all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff
inside there."
[Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Five Myths About Lawyers
As an alumnus of Yale Law School who spent less time practicing law
than studying it, I take great pleasure in offering unrequested
advice to people contemplating a career in law. Here are five myths
about legal education and practice.
Myth #1: A legal education is a great means to embark on any of a
variety of non-legal careers.
Absolutely true. If studying law doesn't get you to embark on a
non-legal career, then nothing will.
Myth #2: Legal thought is intellectually rigorous.
Also true. Law students have been known to spend days debating
whether an italicized comma differs in appearance from a normal
comma, and which comma should be employed when citing sections of the
United Hairstylists Personal Hygiene Code. As a lawyer might say,
"that's not just rigor, that's rigor mortis." (i.e., "that's some
deadly serious Latin rigor.")
Myth # 3: Life as a high-powered attorney at a big New York firm is
exciting and glamorous.
This is entirely true, if:
1) You laugh uncontrollably when your great uncle Larry does his
impersonation of Dwight Eisenhower eating potato salad;
2) Your adrenalin flows when you spot a typographical error in the
want ads of the Guilford Post-Gazette; or
3) Your bedroom wall features a large framed photograph of you
shaking hands with Home Depot's Vice President in Charge of Shower
Curtain Inventory because it's a moment you wish to cherish forever.
Myth #4: Most national leaders went to law school, so if you go to
law school, you will probably become a national leader.
If you subscribe to this myth, there are a few things you should
know. First, you will bomb the LSAT so completely that your driver's
license will be revoked. Second, there are other ways to become a
national leader. You could make a billion dollars playing Internet
poker, for example. Or you could get married to Renee Zellweger and
three days later have the vows annulled. Or you could write a
self-help book entitled "Reorganizing the FEMA Within." Remember that
this is America and ergo ("ergo" is Latin for "out of the pale, pale
blue") leadership is as close as the next episode of "The Apprentice."
Myth #5: Being a lawyer brings with it vast wealth.
The accessibility of big money is undeniable. Let's say you are a
first-year associate in New York. Your parents tell all their
friends, who experience such acute boredom that they drift away from
the conversation to watch their cuticles age. But that is beside the
point. The point is that you make about $125K a year. You work the
standard 120 hours a week (and bill clients for at least twice that),
so your job is equivalent to three jobs of 40 hours a week that each
pay you $41,667 per year. Given your high tax bracket and the vodka
martinis you feel compelled to buy for friends who are "artists"
living off trust funds they never mention, you probably come away
dead even with someone working normal hours at $29,000 per year.
Namely the guy who conducts Jell-O salad taste tests for a nursing-home chain.
Ah, you say, but here's the rub: Whereas the Jell-O taster may never
make anything of himself, you will one day become partner. Yes,
partner! When that big ship docks at your port, you will have
permission to use the partner-only bathroom, first pick of the firm's
Shea Stadium seats right behind the visitors' dugout, and oodles and
oodles of cash. You will stuff your mattress so full with Krugerrands
that you will sleep with your face squished against the ceiling. Even
after making payment on your two alimonies, three mortgages, and
endless pharmacy bills for anti-depressants, you will have enough
left over each month to buy two decaf triple grande mocha eggnog lattes.
But the question is: Will you be happy? And the answer is simple: Not
if they're decaf.
Monday, January 30, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 30th
Thanks to Marti -- Pots
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung
on the ends of a pole which she carried across her
neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot
was perfect and always delivered a full portion of
water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the
house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the
woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its
accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half
of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter
failure,it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side
causes water to leak out all the way back to your
house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are
flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other
pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, so
I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and
every day while we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these
beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you
being just the way you are, there would not be this
beauty to grace the house." Each of us has our own
unique flaw.
But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make
our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are
and look for the good in them.
SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day
and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the
path.
Of all the blessings the Lord sends us.... Friendship
must be His favorite.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Shot...
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy,
about six years old. Something of his had found its
way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions:
a baseball and a broken window sporting a
baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got
in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window,
and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must
have thrown it right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sunday Complaints"
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From WS: Yogi-isms (Quotes of Yogi Berra)
"If I didn't wake up I'd still be sleeping."
"I usually take a two hour nap from 1 to 4."
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
"It gets late early out here."
"90% of the game is half mental."
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they
won't go to
yours."
"Steve McQueen looks good in this movie. He must have
made it before he died."
"I'm as red as a sheet."
"I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of
answering that question."
"Pair up in threes."
"Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until
it was broken."
"Don't get me right, I'm just asking!"
"Never answer an anonymous letter."
"You can observe a lot by watching."
"It's not too far, it just seems like it is."
"You've got to be careful if you don't know where
you're going
'cause you might not get there."
"We have a good time together, even when we're not
together."
"Little League baseball is a good thing 'cause it
keeps the parents off the streets and it keeps the
kids out of the house!"
"The future ain't what it use to be."
"It ain't over till it's over."
"I really didn't say everything I said."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Left vs Right
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber
replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week"
The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next
morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank
you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his
door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry,
I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community
service this week."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning
when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he
goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm
sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week."
The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next
morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank
you card and a dozen different books such as "How to
Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More
Successful."
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he
goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm
sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week."
The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The
next morning when the barber goes to open up, there
are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free
haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental
difference between the left and the right.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: The Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a
snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So....you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to
drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his
head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the
cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are evil. Don't mess with
them!
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung
on the ends of a pole which she carried across her
neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot
was perfect and always delivered a full portion of
water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the
house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the
woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its
accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half
of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter
failure,it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side
causes water to leak out all the way back to your
house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are
flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other
pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, so
I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and
every day while we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these
beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you
being just the way you are, there would not be this
beauty to grace the house." Each of us has our own
unique flaw.
But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make
our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are
and look for the good in them.
SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day
and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the
path.
Of all the blessings the Lord sends us.... Friendship
must be His favorite.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Shot...
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy,
about six years old. Something of his had found its
way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions:
a baseball and a broken window sporting a
baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got
in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window,
and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must
have thrown it right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sunday Complaints"
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."
The father commented, "The sermon was too long."
Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From WS: Yogi-isms (Quotes of Yogi Berra)
"If I didn't wake up I'd still be sleeping."
"I usually take a two hour nap from 1 to 4."
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
"It gets late early out here."
"90% of the game is half mental."
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they
won't go to
yours."
"Steve McQueen looks good in this movie. He must have
made it before he died."
"I'm as red as a sheet."
"I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of
answering that question."
"Pair up in threes."
"Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until
it was broken."
"Don't get me right, I'm just asking!"
"Never answer an anonymous letter."
"You can observe a lot by watching."
"It's not too far, it just seems like it is."
"You've got to be careful if you don't know where
you're going
'cause you might not get there."
"We have a good time together, even when we're not
together."
"Little League baseball is a good thing 'cause it
keeps the parents off the streets and it keeps the
kids out of the house!"
"The future ain't what it use to be."
"It ain't over till it's over."
"I really didn't say everything I said."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Left vs Right
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber
replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you;
I'm doing community service this week"
The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next
morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank
you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his
door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes
to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry,
I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community
service this week."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning
when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he
goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm
sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week."
The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next
morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank
you card and a dozen different books such as "How to
Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More
Successful."
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he
goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm
sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week."
The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop. The
next morning when the barber goes to open up, there
are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free
haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental
difference between the left and the right.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: The Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a
snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So....you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to
drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his
head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the
cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are evil. Don't mess with
them!
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