!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Susie, a six-year-old, came home from school whining,
"Mommy, I've got a stomachache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied.
"You'd feel better if you had something in it." She gave
Susie a snack and sure enough, Susie felt better right away.
That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he
was chatting with Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad
headache all day long.
Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said.
"You'd feel better if you had something in it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Head Check
One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old
nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night.
Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?" Soon,
he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.
When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his
forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to
his forehead.
It read: "My name is Daniel."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When Bad Girls Turn Good
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been
fighting a lot this year. (This happens when you
combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is
always right, with a young adolescent.) Sarah's
parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound
interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old
that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when
children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your
misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the
phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother
asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real
line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line.
Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa
(Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But,
when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she
reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how
there would be no presents Christmas morning to
children who fought with their sisters. He would be
watching, and he expected things to be better from now
on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to
each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up
when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in
her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did
Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly
stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my
sister this year."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coming Downstairs
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's
annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to
tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come
down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come
down stairs like that."
"OK," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my friend PW: Satan and Church Members
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly,
Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without
moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you
know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked
Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man,
in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound
horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister
for 44 years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: How Do Customer Service People Keep A
Straight Face?
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with
your
CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive,
right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer.
It's in
the CD player and all I get is weird noises.
Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette
out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a
note.
Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it
yet...
it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the
left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical
on
me! I'm not Bill Gates!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print.
Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've
even
lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor,
but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in
the
supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the
computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces
back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in. Is
there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one
does
work.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as
in
apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right
password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address,
but
how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a
problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is
a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me
is
under a window, and his printer is working fine.
===============
And last but not least:....
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and
escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in
the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring
up
the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Friday, January 13, 2006
hUMOR For FRIDAY 13th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"License Picture"
A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Today's CleanLaugh. - "License Picture"
A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
Today's Quote
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
- Henry Ford
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Annoyances"
1. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
2. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." What good is a stupid cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
3. When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No, I paid $12.00 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
5. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(With apologies to my personal physician... Of course this
doesn't apply to you! :) )
What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii
next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want
to fix it before it cures itself.
What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is hoping
you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see if
you've paid your last bill before spending any more time
with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The good news
is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're
going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it will
grow into something that can be cured.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of
time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another
office visit.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a forty
percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a paper
and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." -- I
don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm going
to throw up.
"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients bit off
their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" -- I'm
stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped me
some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I can't
buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure out
what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the third
one this week! I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." --
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm
off next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vacation Cut
Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have
my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss
me?" I asked.
"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a
interview for a good paying job. The company boss
asked various questions about him and his education,
but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked
it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken
it to the interview!) and realised he wouldn't get the
job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he
was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift
horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The
next day, he went in and asked why he got the job,
even though he got such a simple question wrong. The
boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the
closest..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A New Hospital Wing
Recently, when a panel of doctors at our local
hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this
is what happened....
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot
of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a
misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face
on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
The HMOs killed it anyway...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing
of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the
nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but
the guy standing next to me was the only male to
venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I
asked.
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked
what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor
tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her
at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two
drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their
briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite
concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't
eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their
shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
"License Picture"
A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
This Cybersalt Digest was sent to brandous@pitel.net
To manage your subscription (which includes unsubscribing)
Follow the instructions at the very end of this e-mail.
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Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh. - "License Picture"
A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
Today's Quote
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
- Henry Ford
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Annoyances"
1. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
2. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." What good is a stupid cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
3. When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No, I paid $12.00 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
5. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(With apologies to my personal physician... Of course this
doesn't apply to you! :) )
What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii
next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want
to fix it before it cures itself.
What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is hoping
you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see if
you've paid your last bill before spending any more time
with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The good news
is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're
going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it will
grow into something that can be cured.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of
time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another
office visit.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a forty
percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a paper
and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." -- I
don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm going
to throw up.
"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients bit off
their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" -- I'm
stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped me
some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I can't
buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure out
what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the third
one this week! I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." --
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm
off next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vacation Cut
Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have
my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss
me?" I asked.
"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a
interview for a good paying job. The company boss
asked various questions about him and his education,
but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked
it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken
it to the interview!) and realised he wouldn't get the
job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he
was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift
horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The
next day, he went in and asked why he got the job,
even though he got such a simple question wrong. The
boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the
closest..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A New Hospital Wing
Recently, when a panel of doctors at our local
hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this
is what happened....
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot
of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a
misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face
on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
The HMOs killed it anyway...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing
of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the
nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but
the guy standing next to me was the only male to
venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I
asked.
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked
what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor
tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her
at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two
drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their
briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite
concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't
eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their
shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
hUMKOR For Jan. 12
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Excuses, Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative
excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the
officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had
been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there,"
he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was
not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver
whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went
by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79
mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor,"
he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this
fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're
going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill
Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you
been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was
getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Bad Day Sign"
You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says,
"Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"If Alexander Graham Bell had a teenage daughter, he never would have invented the telephone."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Quarter Horse"
One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?"
As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JUST CURIOUS
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma
answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how old
would you be if you let go?"
THE TITHING
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the
ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came
near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy.
I'm under five."
THE BLESSING
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do
you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a good
cook!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a preacher who said, "Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?"
"Hang on, Padre" spluttered Murphy. "How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgment when you've never tasted the stuff?"
"Very well," said the man of the cloth. "I'll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass."
"Okay," said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.
"I'll have a large gin," he said to the barman. "And can you put it in a cup?"
"Good grief," said the barman, "that preacher's not outside again is he?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get your thinking cap on, a horrible pun
follows...Take Out Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and
sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he
grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the
counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice
say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE
choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and
doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to
him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his
mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin',
my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He
glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which
he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of
peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That
suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look.
I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my
tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that?
Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the
peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at
the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "?they're complimentary."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRUE E-MAIL ADDICT
There's dust on all the furniture; the garden's gone
to seeds.
The hamper's full of dirty clothes; the lawn is
growing weeds.
The clothes I wear are wrinkled, for an iron they
haven't seen.
The vacuum cleaner sits unused; my house is far from
clean.
We mostly live on take-out foods. I have no time to
cook.
I'm not sure what remains undone, and I'm afraid to
look.
What takes my time and energy? You ask in wonderment.
What causes fascination, and what makes my life
content?
What do I feel compelled to check a dozen times a day?
What causes such delight I simply cannot stay away?
What keeps my phone line tied up, so a busy tone you
get?
In case you haven't guessed by now -- I'm on the
Internet.
My E-mail holds me spellbound, and an Addict I must
be,
For I can't wait to find out what my Inbox holds for
me.
So please forget the things you have in mind for me to
do.
I'll maybe think about them when my E-mail tasks are
through.
[swiped by] Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...Ross PROUD
father of an American Soldier
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: Senior Version of Jesus
Loves Me
Jesus loves me, this I know
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim
Still He bids me trust in him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES. JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow.
With my hand in his I'll go
On through life, let come what may He'll be there too
lead the way
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though I am no longer young,
I have much which he's begun
Let me serve Christ with a smile.
Go with other's the" extra mile
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart he puts a song,
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have not fear, for I am near."
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
When my work on earth is done,
And life's vic'tries have been won
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand his love
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
I love Jesus, does he know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say
That I love him every day.
Yes, I love Jesus,
Yes, I love Jesus,
Yes, I love Jesus
I'll trust Him and obey!
If you think this is neat, please pass it on to all of
your Senior friends, after all we are all God's
children.
Excuses, Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative
excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the
officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had
been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there,"
he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was
not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver
whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went
by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79
mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor,"
he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this
fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're
going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill
Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you
been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was
getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Bad Day Sign"
You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says,
"Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"If Alexander Graham Bell had a teenage daughter, he never would have invented the telephone."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Quarter Horse"
One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?"
As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JUST CURIOUS
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma
answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how old
would you be if you let go?"
THE TITHING
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the
ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came
near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy.
I'm under five."
THE BLESSING
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do
you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a good
cook!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a preacher who said, "Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?"
"Hang on, Padre" spluttered Murphy. "How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgment when you've never tasted the stuff?"
"Very well," said the man of the cloth. "I'll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass."
"Okay," said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.
"I'll have a large gin," he said to the barman. "And can you put it in a cup?"
"Good grief," said the barman, "that preacher's not outside again is he?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get your thinking cap on, a horrible pun
follows...Take Out Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and
sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he
grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the
counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice
say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE
choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and
doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to
him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his
mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin',
my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He
glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which
he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of
peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That
suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look.
I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my
tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that?
Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the
peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at
the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "?they're complimentary."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRUE E-MAIL ADDICT
There's dust on all the furniture; the garden's gone
to seeds.
The hamper's full of dirty clothes; the lawn is
growing weeds.
The clothes I wear are wrinkled, for an iron they
haven't seen.
The vacuum cleaner sits unused; my house is far from
clean.
We mostly live on take-out foods. I have no time to
cook.
I'm not sure what remains undone, and I'm afraid to
look.
What takes my time and energy? You ask in wonderment.
What causes fascination, and what makes my life
content?
What do I feel compelled to check a dozen times a day?
What causes such delight I simply cannot stay away?
What keeps my phone line tied up, so a busy tone you
get?
In case you haven't guessed by now -- I'm on the
Internet.
My E-mail holds me spellbound, and an Addict I must
be,
For I can't wait to find out what my Inbox holds for
me.
So please forget the things you have in mind for me to
do.
I'll maybe think about them when my E-mail tasks are
through.
[swiped by] Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...Ross PROUD
father of an American Soldier
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: Senior Version of Jesus
Loves Me
Jesus loves me, this I know
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim
Still He bids me trust in him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES. JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow.
With my hand in his I'll go
On through life, let come what may He'll be there too
lead the way
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though I am no longer young,
I have much which he's begun
Let me serve Christ with a smile.
Go with other's the" extra mile
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart he puts a song,
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have not fear, for I am near."
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
When my work on earth is done,
And life's vic'tries have been won
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand his love
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
I love Jesus, does he know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say
That I love him every day.
Yes, I love Jesus,
Yes, I love Jesus,
Yes, I love Jesus
I'll trust Him and obey!
If you think this is neat, please pass it on to all of
your Senior friends, after all we are all God's
children.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 1th
"Job Search Jargon"
Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long-time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen and figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is."
- Thomas Szasz
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration - "Judging Others"
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.
Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Lord,
Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head.
God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do,
Hope you don't mind me asking
Please bless my computer too.
Now I know that it's unusual
To bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends,
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you,
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute
>From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox
And each person who hits send.
When you update your Heavenly list
On your own CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to GOD.com.
AMEN
Author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history
lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five
times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young man was having some money problems, and needed
$200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But
had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his
parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and
says to his father. "I need to borrow two hundred
dollars," he says.
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't
hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred
dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his
father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, But I can
hear him perfectly clearly."
The father says, "Good. YOU send him the money!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a
memo saying that any paper left on desks would be
removed at night and we would have to fill-out a form
to get it back.
So we left all our garbage paper on our desks every
night. In a week, the boss had an office full of
garbage and we never heard about the policy again.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert
bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was
for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Deer Hunt
Saturday
1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings.
2:00 A.M. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of
bed.
2:30 A.M. Throw everything but kitchen sink in camper.
3:00 A.M. Leave for deep woods.
3:15 A.M. Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 A.M. Drive like mad to get to woods before
daylight.
4:00 A.M. Set up camp-forgot the sleeping tent.
4:30 A.M. Head into woods.
6:05 A.M. See eight deer.
6:06 A.M. Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 A.M. "CLICK"
6:08 A.M. Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 A.M. Head back to camp.
9:00 A.M. Still looking for camp.
10:00 A.M. Realize you don't know where camp is. NOON
Fire gun for help-eat wild berries.
12:15 P.M. Ran out of bullets-eight deer come back.
12:20 P.M. Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 P.M. Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 P.M. Rescued and rushed to hospital to have
stomach pumped.
3:00 P.M. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 P.M. Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 P.M. Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 P.M. Load gun-leave camp again.
5:00 P.M. Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 P.M. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 P.M. Load gun and fire.
6:02 P.M. One dead pick-up truck.
6:04 P.M. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging
deer.
6:06 P.M. Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 P.M. Fall into fire.
6:10 P.M. Change clothes-throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 P.M. Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in
the woods.
6:25 P.M. Pick-up boils over hole shot in block.
6:26 P.M. Start walking, stumble and fall, drop gun in
mud.
6:35 P.M. Meet bear and take aim.
6:37 P.M. fire gun-blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 P.M. Dirty my pants.
6:39 P.M. Climb tree.
9:00 P.M. Bear departs, I wrap gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT Home at last.
Sunday -- Following church services, watch ball game
on T.VS.., slowly tear hunting license into pieces,
place into envelope and mail to Game Warden promising
God never to hunt again.
Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long-time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen and figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is."
- Thomas Szasz
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration - "Judging Others"
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.
Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Lord,
Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head.
God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do,
Hope you don't mind me asking
Please bless my computer too.
Now I know that it's unusual
To bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends,
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you,
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute
>From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox
And each person who hits send.
When you update your Heavenly list
On your own CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to GOD.com.
AMEN
Author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history
lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five
times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young man was having some money problems, and needed
$200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But
had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his
parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and
says to his father. "I need to borrow two hundred
dollars," he says.
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't
hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred
dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his
father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, But I can
hear him perfectly clearly."
The father says, "Good. YOU send him the money!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a
memo saying that any paper left on desks would be
removed at night and we would have to fill-out a form
to get it back.
So we left all our garbage paper on our desks every
night. In a week, the boss had an office full of
garbage and we never heard about the policy again.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert
bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was
for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Deer Hunt
Saturday
1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings.
2:00 A.M. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of
bed.
2:30 A.M. Throw everything but kitchen sink in camper.
3:00 A.M. Leave for deep woods.
3:15 A.M. Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 A.M. Drive like mad to get to woods before
daylight.
4:00 A.M. Set up camp-forgot the sleeping tent.
4:30 A.M. Head into woods.
6:05 A.M. See eight deer.
6:06 A.M. Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 A.M. "CLICK"
6:08 A.M. Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 A.M. Head back to camp.
9:00 A.M. Still looking for camp.
10:00 A.M. Realize you don't know where camp is. NOON
Fire gun for help-eat wild berries.
12:15 P.M. Ran out of bullets-eight deer come back.
12:20 P.M. Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 P.M. Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 P.M. Rescued and rushed to hospital to have
stomach pumped.
3:00 P.M. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 P.M. Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 P.M. Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 P.M. Load gun-leave camp again.
5:00 P.M. Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 P.M. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 P.M. Load gun and fire.
6:02 P.M. One dead pick-up truck.
6:04 P.M. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging
deer.
6:06 P.M. Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 P.M. Fall into fire.
6:10 P.M. Change clothes-throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 P.M. Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in
the woods.
6:25 P.M. Pick-up boils over hole shot in block.
6:26 P.M. Start walking, stumble and fall, drop gun in
mud.
6:35 P.M. Meet bear and take aim.
6:37 P.M. fire gun-blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 P.M. Dirty my pants.
6:39 P.M. Climb tree.
9:00 P.M. Bear departs, I wrap gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT Home at last.
Sunday -- Following church services, watch ball game
on T.VS.., slowly tear hunting license into pieces,
place into envelope and mail to Game Warden promising
God never to hunt again.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Tator Garden
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to
spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
mentioned his situation.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks
like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this
year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your
mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting
too old to digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in
prison. Love, Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram: "For
Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's
where I buried the GUNS!" At 4a.m. the next morning, A
dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up
and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son
telling him what happened, and asked him what to do
next. His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your
potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from
here."
- Moral Of the Story -
NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE
DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN
DO IT.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you hear about the crossword puzzle addict who
died and was
buried six feet down ahd three across?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend... Simple Misunderstanding
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after
school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how
she was doing.
I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to
check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man
who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and
amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his
groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured,
"Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her
employee training, she asked him, "How will you be
paying?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash
after years of war with the Hittites. His last great
possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most
valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he
went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King
protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes
no difference who you are."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in their
refrigerator?
A. In case someone wants black coffee.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boating Jargon...
Scuttlebutt - A butt was a barrel. Scuttle meant to
chop a hole in something. The scuttlebutt was a water
barrel with a hole cut into it so that sailors could
reach in and dip out drinking water. The scuttlebutt
was the place where the ship's gossip was exchanged.
Garbled - Garbling was the prohibited practice of
mixing rubbish with the cargo. A distorted, mixed up
message was said to be garbled.
No Great Shakes - When casks became empty they were
"shaken" (taken apart) so the pieces, called shakes,
could be stored in a small space. Shakes had very
little value.
Fly-by-Night - A large sail used only for sailing
downwind and requiring rather little attention.
Start Over with a Clean Slate - A slate tablet was
kept near the helm on which the watch keeper would
record the speeds, distances, headings and tacks
during the watch. If there were no problems during the
watch, the slate would be wiped clean so that the new
watch could start over with a clean slate
Let the Cat Out of the Bag - In the Royal Navy the
punishment prescribed for most serious crimes was
flogging. This was administered by the Bosun's Mate
using whip called a cat o' nine tails. The "cat" was
kept in a leather or baize bag. It was considered bad
news indeed when the cat was let out of the bag. Other
sources attribute the expression to the old english
market scam of selling someone a pig in a poke (bag)
when the pig turned out to be a cat instead.
Taking the wind out of his sails - Sailing in a manner
so as to steal or divert wind from another ship's
sails.
Son of a Gun - When in port, and with the crew
restricted to the ship for any extended period of
time, wives and ladies of easy virtue often were
allowed to live aboard along with the crew.
Infrequently, but not uncommonly, children were born
aboard, and a convenient place for this was between
guns on the gun deck. If the child's father was
unknown, they were entered in the ship's log as "son
of a gun".
A Square Meal - In good weather, crews' mess was a
warm meal served on square wooden platters.
The Devil to Pay - To pay the deck seams meant to seal
them with tar. The devil seam was the most difficult
to pay because it was curved and intersected with the
straight deck planking. Some sources define the
"devil" as the below-the-waterline-seam between the
keel and the adjoining planking.Paying the Devil was
considered to be a most difficult and unpleasant task.
Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea - The devil
seam was the curved seam in the deck planking closest
to the side of the ship and next to the scupper
gutters. If a sailor slipped on the deck, he could
find himself between the devil and the deep blue sea.
Above Board - Anything on or above the open deck. If
something is open and in plain view, it is above
board.
Under the Weather - If a crewman is standing watch on
the weather side of the bow, he will be subject to the
constant beating of the sea and the ocean spray. He
will be under the weather.
Slush Fund - A slushy slurry of fat was obtained by
boiling or scraping the empty salted meat storage
barrels. This stuff called "slush" was often sold
ashore by the ship's cook for the benefit of himself
or the crew. The money so derived became known as a
slush fund.
Toe the Line - When called to line up at attention,
the ship's crew would form up with their toes touching
a seam in the deck planking.
The Bitter End - The end of an anchor cable is
fastened to the bitts at the ship's bow. If all of the
anchor cable has been payed out you have come to the
bitter end.
Pipe Down - Means stop talking and be quiet. The Pipe
Down was the last signal from the Bosun's pipe each
day which meant "lights out" and "silence".
Pipe Down - Means stop talking and be quiet. The Pipe
Down was the last signal from the Bosun's pipe each
day which meant "lights out" and "silence".
Footloose - The bottom portion of a sail is called the
foot. If it is not secured, it is footloose and it
dances randomly in the wind.
To Know the Ropes - There were miles and miles of
cordage in the rigging of a square rigged ship. The
only way of keeping track of and knowing the function
of all of these lines was to know where they were
located. It took an experienced seaman to know the
ropes.
Over the Barrel - The most common method of punishment
aboard ship was flogging. The unfortunate sailor was
tied to a grating, mast or over the barrel of a deck
cannon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Centipede
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church
with me today?
We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more,thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up
against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey,
in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The
Lord!?"
A little voice came out of the box:................... "I heard you
the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes."
Thanks to Marti -- Tator Garden
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to
spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
mentioned his situation.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks
like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this
year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your
mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting
too old to digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in
prison. Love, Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram: "For
Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's
where I buried the GUNS!" At 4a.m. the next morning, A
dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up
and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son
telling him what happened, and asked him what to do
next. His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your
potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from
here."
- Moral Of the Story -
NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE
DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN
DO IT.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you hear about the crossword puzzle addict who
died and was
buried six feet down ahd three across?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend... Simple Misunderstanding
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after
school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how
she was doing.
I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to
check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man
who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and
amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his
groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured,
"Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her
employee training, she asked him, "How will you be
paying?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash
after years of war with the Hittites. His last great
possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most
valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he
went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King
protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes
no difference who you are."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in their
refrigerator?
A. In case someone wants black coffee.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boating Jargon...
Scuttlebutt - A butt was a barrel. Scuttle meant to
chop a hole in something. The scuttlebutt was a water
barrel with a hole cut into it so that sailors could
reach in and dip out drinking water. The scuttlebutt
was the place where the ship's gossip was exchanged.
Garbled - Garbling was the prohibited practice of
mixing rubbish with the cargo. A distorted, mixed up
message was said to be garbled.
No Great Shakes - When casks became empty they were
"shaken" (taken apart) so the pieces, called shakes,
could be stored in a small space. Shakes had very
little value.
Fly-by-Night - A large sail used only for sailing
downwind and requiring rather little attention.
Start Over with a Clean Slate - A slate tablet was
kept near the helm on which the watch keeper would
record the speeds, distances, headings and tacks
during the watch. If there were no problems during the
watch, the slate would be wiped clean so that the new
watch could start over with a clean slate
Let the Cat Out of the Bag - In the Royal Navy the
punishment prescribed for most serious crimes was
flogging. This was administered by the Bosun's Mate
using whip called a cat o' nine tails. The "cat" was
kept in a leather or baize bag. It was considered bad
news indeed when the cat was let out of the bag. Other
sources attribute the expression to the old english
market scam of selling someone a pig in a poke (bag)
when the pig turned out to be a cat instead.
Taking the wind out of his sails - Sailing in a manner
so as to steal or divert wind from another ship's
sails.
Son of a Gun - When in port, and with the crew
restricted to the ship for any extended period of
time, wives and ladies of easy virtue often were
allowed to live aboard along with the crew.
Infrequently, but not uncommonly, children were born
aboard, and a convenient place for this was between
guns on the gun deck. If the child's father was
unknown, they were entered in the ship's log as "son
of a gun".
A Square Meal - In good weather, crews' mess was a
warm meal served on square wooden platters.
The Devil to Pay - To pay the deck seams meant to seal
them with tar. The devil seam was the most difficult
to pay because it was curved and intersected with the
straight deck planking. Some sources define the
"devil" as the below-the-waterline-seam between the
keel and the adjoining planking.Paying the Devil was
considered to be a most difficult and unpleasant task.
Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea - The devil
seam was the curved seam in the deck planking closest
to the side of the ship and next to the scupper
gutters. If a sailor slipped on the deck, he could
find himself between the devil and the deep blue sea.
Above Board - Anything on or above the open deck. If
something is open and in plain view, it is above
board.
Under the Weather - If a crewman is standing watch on
the weather side of the bow, he will be subject to the
constant beating of the sea and the ocean spray. He
will be under the weather.
Slush Fund - A slushy slurry of fat was obtained by
boiling or scraping the empty salted meat storage
barrels. This stuff called "slush" was often sold
ashore by the ship's cook for the benefit of himself
or the crew. The money so derived became known as a
slush fund.
Toe the Line - When called to line up at attention,
the ship's crew would form up with their toes touching
a seam in the deck planking.
The Bitter End - The end of an anchor cable is
fastened to the bitts at the ship's bow. If all of the
anchor cable has been payed out you have come to the
bitter end.
Pipe Down - Means stop talking and be quiet. The Pipe
Down was the last signal from the Bosun's pipe each
day which meant "lights out" and "silence".
Pipe Down - Means stop talking and be quiet. The Pipe
Down was the last signal from the Bosun's pipe each
day which meant "lights out" and "silence".
Footloose - The bottom portion of a sail is called the
foot. If it is not secured, it is footloose and it
dances randomly in the wind.
To Know the Ropes - There were miles and miles of
cordage in the rigging of a square rigged ship. The
only way of keeping track of and knowing the function
of all of these lines was to know where they were
located. It took an experienced seaman to know the
ropes.
Over the Barrel - The most common method of punishment
aboard ship was flogging. The unfortunate sailor was
tied to a grating, mast or over the barrel of a deck
cannon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Centipede
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church
with me today?
We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more,thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up
against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey,
in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The
Lord!?"
A little voice came out of the box:................... "I heard you
the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes."
Monday, January 09, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 9th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started
using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy
godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and
proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again,
with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her
third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Restaurant Service"
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
- Anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Sin"
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.
The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous. The attack lasted only 6 hours."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Arkansas Deer Hunter -- Devoted
Husband
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season
in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck
walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and
took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed
at a funeral procession passing on the road below
their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow,
took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes
in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for
35 years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GCFL: Beginning School
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with
a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about
the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him
of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and
came back home with a lot of glowing reports about
school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he
asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get
ready for school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a reluctant JP -- Kentucky Women
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused
about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated
from The Kentucky University and I need some help. If
I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Priorities
A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and
paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the
hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of
an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail," the successful hunter
replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no
one is going to steal Henry!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Timing
A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying... "When the
end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky
because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Observant
The young man from Kentucky came running into the
store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just
stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got
the license number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: NEWS FLASH!
Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred when a small
two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Kentucky
University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier
today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300
bodies so far and expect the number to climb as
digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: And My Favorite
A man in Kentucky had a flat tire, pulled off on the
side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of
flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he
got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I
never did understand it either."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"2nd Try "
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days.
Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply "It's after seven o'clock!"
Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started
using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy
godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and
proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again,
with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her
third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Restaurant Service"
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
- Anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Sin"
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.
The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous. The attack lasted only 6 hours."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Arkansas Deer Hunter -- Devoted
Husband
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season
in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck
walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and
took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed
at a funeral procession passing on the road below
their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow,
took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes
in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for
35 years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GCFL: Beginning School
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with
a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about
the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him
of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and
came back home with a lot of glowing reports about
school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he
asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get
ready for school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a reluctant JP -- Kentucky Women
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused
about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated
from The Kentucky University and I need some help. If
I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Priorities
A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and
paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the
hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of
an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail," the successful hunter
replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no
one is going to steal Henry!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Timing
A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying... "When the
end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky
because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Observant
The young man from Kentucky came running into the
store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just
stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got
the license number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: NEWS FLASH!
Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred when a small
two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Kentucky
University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier
today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300
bodies so far and expect the number to climb as
digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: And My Favorite
A man in Kentucky had a flat tire, pulled off on the
side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of
flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he
got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I
never did understand it either."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"2nd Try "
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days.
Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply "It's after seven o'clock!"
Sunday, January 08, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 8th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started
using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy
godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and
proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again,
with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her
third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Restaurant Service"
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
- Anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Sin"
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.
The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous. The attack lasted only 6 hours."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Arkansas Deer Hunter -- Devoted
Husband
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season
in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck
walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and
took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed
at a funeral procession passing on the road below
their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow,
took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes
in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for
35 years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GCFL: Beginning School
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with
a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about
the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him
of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and
came back home with a lot of glowing reports about
school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he
asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get
ready for school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a reluctant JP -- Kentucky Women
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused
about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated
from The Kentucky University and I need some help. If
I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Priorities
A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and
paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the
hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of
an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail," the successful hunter
replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no
one is going to steal Henry!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Timing
A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying... "When the
end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky
because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Observant
The young man from Kentucky came running into the
store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just
stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got
the license number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: NEWS FLASH!
Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred when a small
two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Kentucky
University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier
today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300
bodies so far and expect the number to climb as
digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: And My Favorite
A man in Kentucky had a flat tire, pulled off on the
side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of
flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he
got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I
never did understand it either."
Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started
using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy
godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and
proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again,
with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her
third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Restaurant Service"
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
- Anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Sin"
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.
The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous. The attack lasted only 6 hours."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Arkansas Deer Hunter -- Devoted
Husband
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season
in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck
walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and
took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed
at a funeral procession passing on the road below
their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow,
took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes
in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for
35 years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GCFL: Beginning School
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with
a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about
the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him
of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and
came back home with a lot of glowing reports about
school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he
asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get
ready for school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a reluctant JP -- Kentucky Women
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused
about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated
from The Kentucky University and I need some help. If
I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Priorities
A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and
paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the
hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of
an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail," the successful hunter
replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no
one is going to steal Henry!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Timing
A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying... "When the
end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky
because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Observant
The young man from Kentucky came running into the
store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just
stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got
the license number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: NEWS FLASH!
Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred when a small
two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Kentucky
University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier
today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300
bodies so far and expect the number to climb as
digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: And My Favorite
A man in Kentucky had a flat tire, pulled off on the
side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of
flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he
got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I
never did understand it either."
Saturday, January 07, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 7th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sermon Feedback"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
This Cybersalt Digest was sent to brandous@pitel.net
To manage your subscription (which includes unsubscribing)
Follow the instructions at the very end of this e-mail.
Here's a new way to help keep the Cybersalt Digest free . . .
We all search the web!
Now you can search with Google AND support Pastor Tim and the Cybersalt sites! When you use the Cybersalt search page, Google will give some $upport to Cybersalt!
Please use the following page for all your searching on the internet.
http://www.cybersalt.org/search.htm
Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh - "Sermon Feedback"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
Today's Oneliner
"What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Photos"
I got a package envelope in the mail the other day that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend."
Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a
backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine
invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors and
occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good
thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider.
"It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was very pregnant, and it was rotten luck when, several days before my due date, my husband fell from the porch roof, sprained both ankles and was restricted to crutches. So when I went into labor and he couldn't drive, I took the wheel, stopping every time I had a contraction.
Finally, we got to the hospital. I dropped him at the maternity entrance, and he hobbled off to the admitting desk, where the nurse told him to go to the emergency room.
No, it's my wife," he told her. "She's in Labor."
"Where is she?" the nurse asked.
"She's parking the car and bringing in the bags."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's Time
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was
wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat
to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch
blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GCFL: A musical director was having a lot of
trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and
talked with the drummer, but his performance simply
didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a
musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the
instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a
drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:
"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one
of his sticks and make him a conductor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
******************************************************
Thanks to TC: To get the full effect, this should be
read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds'
means by the end of the conversation. This has been
nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel
guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was
recorded and published in the Far East Economic
Review:
*****
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor
sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled
please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
*****
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know
what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow
Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying
'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
*****
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad!?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy..tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish
moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Giljo: Resigning as Adult
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an
adult. I have decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an eight-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a
four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and
make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you
can eat them.
I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a
hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple, when
all you knew were colors, multiplication tables and
nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you because you
didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy, because you were
blissfully unaware of all the things that should make
you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is
honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to
be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly
excited by the little things again.
I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to
consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive when there are more
days in the month than there is money in the bank,
doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind
word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind and making angels in the snow.
So here are my checkbook and my car keys, my credit
card bills and my 401(k) statements. I am officially
resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have
to catch me first because, "Tag! You're it!"
"Sermon Feedback"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
This Cybersalt Digest was sent to brandous@pitel.net
To manage your subscription (which includes unsubscribing)
Follow the instructions at the very end of this e-mail.
Here's a new way to help keep the Cybersalt Digest free . . .
We all search the web!
Now you can search with Google AND support Pastor Tim and the Cybersalt sites! When you use the Cybersalt search page, Google will give some $upport to Cybersalt!
Please use the following page for all your searching on the internet.
http://www.cybersalt.org/search.htm
Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh - "Sermon Feedback"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
Today's Oneliner
"What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Photos"
I got a package envelope in the mail the other day that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend."
Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a
backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine
invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors and
occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good
thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider.
"It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was very pregnant, and it was rotten luck when, several days before my due date, my husband fell from the porch roof, sprained both ankles and was restricted to crutches. So when I went into labor and he couldn't drive, I took the wheel, stopping every time I had a contraction.
Finally, we got to the hospital. I dropped him at the maternity entrance, and he hobbled off to the admitting desk, where the nurse told him to go to the emergency room.
No, it's my wife," he told her. "She's in Labor."
"Where is she?" the nurse asked.
"She's parking the car and bringing in the bags."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's Time
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was
wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat
to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch
blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GCFL: A musical director was having a lot of
trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and
talked with the drummer, but his performance simply
didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a
musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the
instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a
drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:
"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one
of his sticks and make him a conductor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
******************************************************
Thanks to TC: To get the full effect, this should be
read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds'
means by the end of the conversation. This has been
nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel
guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was
recorded and published in the Far East Economic
Review:
*****
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor
sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled
please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
*****
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know
what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow
Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying
'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
*****
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad!?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy..tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish
moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Giljo: Resigning as Adult
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an
adult. I have decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an eight-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a
four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and
make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you
can eat them.
I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a
hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple, when
all you knew were colors, multiplication tables and
nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you because you
didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy, because you were
blissfully unaware of all the things that should make
you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is
honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to
be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly
excited by the little things again.
I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to
consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive when there are more
days in the month than there is money in the bank,
doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind
word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind and making angels in the snow.
So here are my checkbook and my car keys, my credit
card bills and my 401(k) statements. I am officially
resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have
to catch me first because, "Tag! You're it!"
Friday, January 06, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 6th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Eye Contact"
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"God does not owe us an explanation for everything. Besides, explanations don't take away the pain. Even when we know why a tragedy happens, it still hurts. It is more helpful to ask 'How' and 'What.' How can I grow from this situation, and what does God want me to learn from it?"
- Rick Warren
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Honesty"
Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for his 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:
"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."
If Shackleton were advertising in the 2000's:
"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, lots of fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outdoor magazine."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car
and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde
convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with
your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few
more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure
enough sees herself.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds
looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands
the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says,
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I
first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole
thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,
trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child
can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even
sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful
enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's
how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their
correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use
both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density
and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for
further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs
with more information simply use more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to
the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used
merely by opening it.
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or
stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable
if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The
"browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet
and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to
the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if
the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design
standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by
various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can
be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of
pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries
with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib
Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal
seems so certain that thousands of content creators have
committed to the platform and investors are reportedly
flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a
list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still
need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used
carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Cowboy Boots!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping
one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy
boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even
with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a
sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any
easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them
on. She managed to keep her cool as together they
worked to get the boots back on, this time on the
right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit
her tongue rather than get right in his face and
scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
And, once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they
got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's
boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But,
she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are
your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TC: WARNING!
A new scam is being pulled with mainly older men
targeted. What happens is that when you stop for a red
light a young, nude woman comes up and starts washing
your windshield. While she is doing this, an
accomplice opens your back door and steals anything in
the car. They are very good at this. They got me 7
times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to
find them on Sunday.
"Eye Contact"
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"God does not owe us an explanation for everything. Besides, explanations don't take away the pain. Even when we know why a tragedy happens, it still hurts. It is more helpful to ask 'How' and 'What.' How can I grow from this situation, and what does God want me to learn from it?"
- Rick Warren
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Honesty"
Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for his 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:
"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."
If Shackleton were advertising in the 2000's:
"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, lots of fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outdoor magazine."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car
and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde
convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with
your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few
more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure
enough sees herself.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds
looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands
the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says,
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I
first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole
thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,
trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child
can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even
sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful
enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's
how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their
correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use
both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density
and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for
further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs
with more information simply use more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to
the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used
merely by opening it.
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or
stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable
if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The
"browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet
and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to
the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if
the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design
standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by
various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can
be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of
pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries
with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib
Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal
seems so certain that thousands of content creators have
committed to the platform and investors are reportedly
flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a
list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still
need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used
carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Cowboy Boots!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping
one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy
boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even
with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a
sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any
easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them
on. She managed to keep her cool as together they
worked to get the boots back on, this time on the
right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit
her tongue rather than get right in his face and
scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
And, once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they
got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's
boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But,
she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are
your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TC: WARNING!
A new scam is being pulled with mainly older men
targeted. What happens is that when you stop for a red
light a young, nude woman comes up and starts washing
your windshield. While she is doing this, an
accomplice opens your back door and steals anything in
the car. They are very good at this. They got me 7
times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to
find them on Sunday.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 5th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats for a funny one... WHO SAYS
REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT?
“Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
“I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob
Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's
house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left..
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SK: Politically Correct 3 Little Pigs
Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together in
mutual respect and in harmony with their environment.
Using materials that were indigenous to the area they
each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of
straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung,
clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in
a small kiln.
When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with
their work and settled back to live in peace and
self-determination.
But their idyll was soon shattered.
One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist
ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a
physical and ideological sense.
When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of
straw.
The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door,
shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no
fear for pigs defending their homes and culture."
But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was
his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew
down the house of straw.
The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with
the wolf in hot pursuit.
Where the house had stood, other wolves bought up the
land and started a banana plantation.
At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the
door and shouted, "Little, pigs, little pigs, let me
in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Go away, you carnivorous,
imperialistic oppressor!"
At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the
house of sticks.
The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf
close at their heels.
Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves
built a time- share condo resort complex for
vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass
reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as
native curio shops, snorkeling and dolphin shows.
At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the
door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me
in!"
This time in response, the pigs sang songs of
solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United
Nations.
By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal
to see the situation from the carnivore's point of
view.
So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then
grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive
heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty
foods.
The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had
triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of
the wolf.
Their next step was to liberate their homeland.
They gathered together a band of other pigs who had
been forced off their lands.
This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort
complex with machine-guns and rocket launchers and
slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear
signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in
their internal affairs.
Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with
free education, universal health care and affordable
housing for everyone.
Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical
construct. No actual wolves were harmed in the writing
of the story.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Haircut ID"
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
- Jack Lemmon
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"High School Math"
A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher,
"I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Picking Up Clothes
Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's
room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she
had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.
By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money
promptly, along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read:
"Thanks, Mom. Keep up the good work!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
01. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
02. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
03. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
04. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
05. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
06. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
07. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
08. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
09. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Thanks to M/M Riverrats for a funny one... WHO SAYS
REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT?
“Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
“I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob
Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's
house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left..
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SK: Politically Correct 3 Little Pigs
Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together in
mutual respect and in harmony with their environment.
Using materials that were indigenous to the area they
each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of
straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung,
clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in
a small kiln.
When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with
their work and settled back to live in peace and
self-determination.
But their idyll was soon shattered.
One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist
ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a
physical and ideological sense.
When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of
straw.
The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door,
shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no
fear for pigs defending their homes and culture."
But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was
his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew
down the house of straw.
The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with
the wolf in hot pursuit.
Where the house had stood, other wolves bought up the
land and started a banana plantation.
At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the
door and shouted, "Little, pigs, little pigs, let me
in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Go away, you carnivorous,
imperialistic oppressor!"
At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the
house of sticks.
The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf
close at their heels.
Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves
built a time- share condo resort complex for
vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass
reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as
native curio shops, snorkeling and dolphin shows.
At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the
door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me
in!"
This time in response, the pigs sang songs of
solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United
Nations.
By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal
to see the situation from the carnivore's point of
view.
So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then
grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive
heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty
foods.
The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had
triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of
the wolf.
Their next step was to liberate their homeland.
They gathered together a band of other pigs who had
been forced off their lands.
This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort
complex with machine-guns and rocket launchers and
slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear
signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in
their internal affairs.
Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with
free education, universal health care and affordable
housing for everyone.
Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical
construct. No actual wolves were harmed in the writing
of the story.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Haircut ID"
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
- Jack Lemmon
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"High School Math"
A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher,
"I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Picking Up Clothes
Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's
room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she
had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.
By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money
promptly, along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read:
"Thanks, Mom. Keep up the good work!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
01. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
02. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
03. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
04. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
05. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
06. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
07. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
08. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
09. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 4th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Paper Walls"
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"The opposite of joy is not sorrow, it is unbelief."
- Leslie Wetherhead
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Honesty"
Sam and George go to the bank to cash their paychecks.
After Sam cashes his check George hands the young teller his check. He moves away from the teller, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
The cashier says: Sir, you stepped away from the counter. There's nothing I can do about it now."
George says nothing and joins Sam who says: "She's got some nerve, you should complain to the manager!"
"Oh no," George says, "in fact I was going to tell her that I just thought you'd like to know she gave me ten dollars too much."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet that had
specific recipes for each meal of the day. We followed the
instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our
individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was
wonderful -- we never even felt hungry! But soon we realized we were
gaining weight, not losing it. Checking the recipes again, we found
it. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many Thanks to MAK:
Thank you all so very much!!!
A special thanks to all those forwards I have received
in 2005....
As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt
appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the
time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past
12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe; secure, blessed,
and wealthy.
Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times
to get to the message.
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go
get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi, or DR Pepper, since the
people who make these products are atheists who won't
put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though
I smell like a Water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages
by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in
disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus, since I now have their recipe.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What kind of paper makes you itch? Scratch paper.
Why is a tree loud? Because of its bark! (Sydney, 7)
How did the pretzel maker increase business? With a
new twist (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Where does a vampire take a shower? In the bat-room!
(Anjelika, 10)
Where do hamburgers go to dance? To a meat-ball!
(Kasey, 6)
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he
no
longer lived in Eden? Your mother ate us out of house
and home.
If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have
branches?
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside
of a dog, it's too dark to read. (Groucho Marx)
For a fish, the end of a barbed hook is the "point" of
no return.
If you run through a screen door you'll strain
yourself.
One plastic surgeon to another: My daughter gets her
good looks from me.
Little Johnny's teacher asked him to make up a
sentence using the words, 'bitter end.' Johnny thought
for a moment and replied, "Our dog chased our cat and
he bitter end."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK:
When at last I took the time to look into the heart of
a flower, it opened up a whole new world.....a world
where every country walk would be an adventure, where
every garden would become an enchanted one. ~Princess
Grace of Monaco
What activities in your life help transport you from
the mundane to the marvelous? Looking into the heart
of a flower may not work for you. Perhaps what works
for you is watching a professional athlete.....whether
it's a football player or a golfer or a
gymnast.....move with precision and grace.
Diabetes management doesn't have to be the focus of
your days. The focus of each day is the wonder, joy,
and fulfillment that can be found when we really seek
meaning in our moments. Life is the focus of our
lives. Diabetes management is really just a task we
need to complete so that we can enjoy life.
Have a great week! Mary Alice
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From LBS: January---Twas The Month After Christmas
Twas the month after Christmas,
and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled,
the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties,
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales,
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store,
(less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous,
meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces,
and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls,
the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said,
"No, thank you, please."
As I dressed myself,
in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again,
to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself,
as I only can
"You can spend a winter
disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last,
of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food,
that I like must be banished
Till all the additional,
ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie,
not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew,
on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits,,
or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot,
and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,
and life is a bore-
But isn't that what,
January is for?
Unable to giggle,
no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all,
and to all a good diet!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
? º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
"Paper Walls"
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"The opposite of joy is not sorrow, it is unbelief."
- Leslie Wetherhead
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Honesty"
Sam and George go to the bank to cash their paychecks.
After Sam cashes his check George hands the young teller his check. He moves away from the teller, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
The cashier says: Sir, you stepped away from the counter. There's nothing I can do about it now."
George says nothing and joins Sam who says: "She's got some nerve, you should complain to the manager!"
"Oh no," George says, "in fact I was going to tell her that I just thought you'd like to know she gave me ten dollars too much."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet that had
specific recipes for each meal of the day. We followed the
instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our
individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was
wonderful -- we never even felt hungry! But soon we realized we were
gaining weight, not losing it. Checking the recipes again, we found
it. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many Thanks to MAK:
Thank you all so very much!!!
A special thanks to all those forwards I have received
in 2005....
As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt
appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the
time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past
12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe; secure, blessed,
and wealthy.
Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times
to get to the message.
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go
get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi, or DR Pepper, since the
people who make these products are atheists who won't
put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though
I smell like a Water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages
by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in
disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus, since I now have their recipe.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What kind of paper makes you itch? Scratch paper.
Why is a tree loud? Because of its bark! (Sydney, 7)
How did the pretzel maker increase business? With a
new twist (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Where does a vampire take a shower? In the bat-room!
(Anjelika, 10)
Where do hamburgers go to dance? To a meat-ball!
(Kasey, 6)
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he
no
longer lived in Eden? Your mother ate us out of house
and home.
If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have
branches?
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside
of a dog, it's too dark to read. (Groucho Marx)
For a fish, the end of a barbed hook is the "point" of
no return.
If you run through a screen door you'll strain
yourself.
One plastic surgeon to another: My daughter gets her
good looks from me.
Little Johnny's teacher asked him to make up a
sentence using the words, 'bitter end.' Johnny thought
for a moment and replied, "Our dog chased our cat and
he bitter end."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK:
When at last I took the time to look into the heart of
a flower, it opened up a whole new world.....a world
where every country walk would be an adventure, where
every garden would become an enchanted one. ~Princess
Grace of Monaco
What activities in your life help transport you from
the mundane to the marvelous? Looking into the heart
of a flower may not work for you. Perhaps what works
for you is watching a professional athlete.....whether
it's a football player or a golfer or a
gymnast.....move with precision and grace.
Diabetes management doesn't have to be the focus of
your days. The focus of each day is the wonder, joy,
and fulfillment that can be found when we really seek
meaning in our moments. Life is the focus of our
lives. Diabetes management is really just a task we
need to complete so that we can enjoy life.
Have a great week! Mary Alice
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From LBS: January---Twas The Month After Christmas
Twas the month after Christmas,
and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled,
the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties,
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales,
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store,
(less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous,
meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces,
and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls,
the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said,
"No, thank you, please."
As I dressed myself,
in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again,
to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself,
as I only can
"You can spend a winter
disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last,
of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food,
that I like must be banished
Till all the additional,
ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie,
not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew,
on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits,,
or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot,
and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,
and life is a bore-
But isn't that what,
January is for?
Unable to giggle,
no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all,
and to all a good diet!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
? º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
hUMOR For Jan 3rd
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Birthday-Anniversary"
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a 'birthday/anniversary card.' The clerk replied, 'We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?'
The man said, 'You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?"
Today's Oneliner
"How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Tank-Top"
"I don't know why my wife is mad at me for the tank top she wanted for her Christmas present. I found the turret but just could not get anyone to sell me the howitzer."
- Lawrence Brotherton
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I figure with enough time and effort, anyone could be a
system administrator. Really, it's not hard -- it just takes
practice, methodology, and trial and error. A lot of trial
and error. These truths will certainly get you on your way.
Let's get started.
#1 - Users Lie
Oh yes, they do. Don't think you're immune either. Have you
ever been on a tech support call, convinced that you know
the problem, and the guy on the phone says something like
"Would you put in the recovery CD, restart, and scan your
memory?" "Oh, I've tried that," you say with eyes rolling.
Believe it or not, sometimes we crazy admin peeps suggest
these fixes because they work. When a user protests my
assessment, I politely insist that they do what I asked
until the doing is done.
#2 - Email Is the Lifeblood of Non-Techies
I love my non-techie brethren -- I mean, how else would I
know what happened on the OC and Gilmore Girls? -- but at
the end of the day, email is #1 in their book. Now a lot of
it is business related, and certainly that shouldn't be
taken lightly, but most likely they were waiting on a warm,
fuzzy message from their daughter or sister and really
needed their email back up ASAP ("I'm waiting on a
proposal!" they screech -- see #1).
#3 - Printers Are Bad
Ever had to clean a laser or, God forbid, an inkjet printer?
It's like stabbing yourself in the eye. It's not just the
grime either -- it's the fallacy that a little chunk of ink
could make the machine just stop working. Ninety percent of
the time (or better), this isn't the case (instead, check
the fuser/print heads).
#4 - Cleanliness Is Godliness
Ever open up a PC and see the Ghost of Dust Bunnies Past in
there? It's scary stuff, I tell you. I've seen some PCs
begin to lock up "for absolutely no reason" while the
innards tell you something different. Sure, Peggy in
Accounting wasn't stuffing her machine full of cloth, but
that blanket she keeps at her feet will slowly shed and the
PC fans suck that stuff right up. When you're completely
stumped, make sure there isn't something inside gunking up
the works.
#5 - Backups Are Crucial
This needs to be said. I've been caught unprepared on this
one a few times myself. Backup, Backup, Backup! Nothing (and
I mean nothing) will bite you like a poor backup schema. If
your server dies right now as you read this post, what are
you going to do about it? Do you know where the install
discs are, do you have a configuration backup, and do you
know who to contact regarding tech support on that box? If
not, you need to get your act together before you have a
disaster and a lot of excuses and apologies following it.
#6 - Switches and Hubs (Usually) Die One Port at a Time
You can spend hours tracking down a bad network card or
cable just to figure out that a port in a switch has died.
You're pinging and pinging and looking; the lights are on
but nobody's home. The trick here is to know that a single
port doesn't spell the end of the hardware; quite the
contrary. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. If a
port does go out, that hub or switch may work for years
without another outage, but do be sure to stuff an RJ45
connector in that bad port so you don't forget (and chase
down phantom problems) in the future.
#7 - No One Ever Got Fired for Buying Microsoft
So sad but so true. This old saying used to reference IBM,
but oh how times have changed. Linux may be powerful, but
the command prompt and configuration files and file system
obscurity will just as soon get you a pink slip if something
goes wrong and no one knows how to fix it but you. Even so,
with as much stupidity as we admins have to put up with on a
daily basis, configuring some of the "high-end" Microsoft
software is enough to drive you insane. Ever tried
installing Exchange Server or, worse, installing Exchange
Server and migrating a 5.5 install to Exchange 2000? I feel
your pain -- oh, how I feel your pain.
#8 - Politeness > Brevity
You can come up with all sorts of analogies for this one.
You'll get more bees with honey, a spoonful of sugar, etc.
But generally, you probably have very little day-to-day
contact with end users. This means that when you do finally
get to speak to one of those souls fortunate enough to login
to your domain (both figuratively and literally), you should
be sure to be as polite as possible about it. Even if the
network is down. Even if the server is having weird,
irrational problems. Use please, thank you, I'm sorry, and
don't be too proud to apologize or "make nice" with those
who may ultimately influence your career path down the line.
The peon you insult today with "I sent an email about this;
do you not check your own email?" could very well climb the
corporate ladder and let you go in a few years. Mind your
manners, peeps.
#9 - Know Your Needs
This one could also be called "Learn Linux." Many admins get
wooed into the idea that "managed solutions" are always the
correct ones. A web interface on a switch is cute, but
rarely useful. A huge Cisco router may not always be
necessary; sometimes a "lo-fi" approach is best. When you
want a spam solution, before looking at $5,000 servers and
huge licensing fees for Windows Server software, take a look
at one of those old "junk" PCs you have in the closet,
download your favorite distro of Linux, and install procmail
and spamassassin. You (and your budget) will thank me later.
#10 - The Holy Grail of Tech Support
…is the reboot. Rebooting can cure ailments of all sorts: it
can stop network troubles and crashing computers, find
missing documents, and rescue cats in trees. System admins
all over the world have, by and large, trained their users
to reboot before even calling support. I mean, when's the
last time you didn't reboot to see if it cured a problem? If
you're not, then you're either stubborn or you're an admin
who knows better. Rebooting doesn't cure all ailments, but
it cures so many of them that it's hard to not throw out a
"Can you reboot for me?" to the end user when they call with
some off-the-wall issue. Use and abuse as necessary.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, counsel. Those who can't counsel, administrate. Those who can't administrate, enter data into the computer. Those who can't enter data into the computer, take dictation. Those who can't take dictation, alphabetize files. Those who can't alphabetize files, answer the phone. Those who can't answer the phone, fry hamburgers. Those who can't fry hamburgers, run the cash register. Those who can't run the cash register, wait on tables. Those who can't wait on tables, carry dirty dishes to the kitchen. Those who can't carry dirty dishes to the kitchen, wash the dirty dishes. Those who can't wash dirty dishes, peel potatoes. Those who can't peel potatoes, buff the floor. Those who can't buff the floor, haul out the garbage. Those who can't haul out the garbage, write poetry. Those who can't write poetry, write clever letters to the editor. Those who can't write clever letters to the editor, write angry letters to the editor. Those who can't write angry letters to the editor, spray-paint graffiti. Those who can't spray-paint graffiti, write screenplays. Those who can't write screenplays, write TV scripts. Those who can't write TV scripts, read scripts for the studios. Those who can't read scripts for the studios, act. Those who can't act, take acting classes. Those who can't take acting classes, sing. Those who can't sing, sing Rock'N'Roll. Those who can't sing Rock'N'Roll, sing it anyway. Those who can't sing it anyway, become depressed. Those who can't become depressed, get bitter. Those who can't get bitter, get confused. Those who can't get confused, stay confused. Those who stay confused, find it difficult to complete unfinished sentences. Those who find it difficult to complete unfinished sentences, _____________.
"Birthday-Anniversary"
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a 'birthday/anniversary card.' The clerk replied, 'We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?'
The man said, 'You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?"
Today's Oneliner
"How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Tank-Top"
"I don't know why my wife is mad at me for the tank top she wanted for her Christmas present. I found the turret but just could not get anyone to sell me the howitzer."
- Lawrence Brotherton
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I figure with enough time and effort, anyone could be a
system administrator. Really, it's not hard -- it just takes
practice, methodology, and trial and error. A lot of trial
and error. These truths will certainly get you on your way.
Let's get started.
#1 - Users Lie
Oh yes, they do. Don't think you're immune either. Have you
ever been on a tech support call, convinced that you know
the problem, and the guy on the phone says something like
"Would you put in the recovery CD, restart, and scan your
memory?" "Oh, I've tried that," you say with eyes rolling.
Believe it or not, sometimes we crazy admin peeps suggest
these fixes because they work. When a user protests my
assessment, I politely insist that they do what I asked
until the doing is done.
#2 - Email Is the Lifeblood of Non-Techies
I love my non-techie brethren -- I mean, how else would I
know what happened on the OC and Gilmore Girls? -- but at
the end of the day, email is #1 in their book. Now a lot of
it is business related, and certainly that shouldn't be
taken lightly, but most likely they were waiting on a warm,
fuzzy message from their daughter or sister and really
needed their email back up ASAP ("I'm waiting on a
proposal!" they screech -- see #1).
#3 - Printers Are Bad
Ever had to clean a laser or, God forbid, an inkjet printer?
It's like stabbing yourself in the eye. It's not just the
grime either -- it's the fallacy that a little chunk of ink
could make the machine just stop working. Ninety percent of
the time (or better), this isn't the case (instead, check
the fuser/print heads).
#4 - Cleanliness Is Godliness
Ever open up a PC and see the Ghost of Dust Bunnies Past in
there? It's scary stuff, I tell you. I've seen some PCs
begin to lock up "for absolutely no reason" while the
innards tell you something different. Sure, Peggy in
Accounting wasn't stuffing her machine full of cloth, but
that blanket she keeps at her feet will slowly shed and the
PC fans suck that stuff right up. When you're completely
stumped, make sure there isn't something inside gunking up
the works.
#5 - Backups Are Crucial
This needs to be said. I've been caught unprepared on this
one a few times myself. Backup, Backup, Backup! Nothing (and
I mean nothing) will bite you like a poor backup schema. If
your server dies right now as you read this post, what are
you going to do about it? Do you know where the install
discs are, do you have a configuration backup, and do you
know who to contact regarding tech support on that box? If
not, you need to get your act together before you have a
disaster and a lot of excuses and apologies following it.
#6 - Switches and Hubs (Usually) Die One Port at a Time
You can spend hours tracking down a bad network card or
cable just to figure out that a port in a switch has died.
You're pinging and pinging and looking; the lights are on
but nobody's home. The trick here is to know that a single
port doesn't spell the end of the hardware; quite the
contrary. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. If a
port does go out, that hub or switch may work for years
without another outage, but do be sure to stuff an RJ45
connector in that bad port so you don't forget (and chase
down phantom problems) in the future.
#7 - No One Ever Got Fired for Buying Microsoft
So sad but so true. This old saying used to reference IBM,
but oh how times have changed. Linux may be powerful, but
the command prompt and configuration files and file system
obscurity will just as soon get you a pink slip if something
goes wrong and no one knows how to fix it but you. Even so,
with as much stupidity as we admins have to put up with on a
daily basis, configuring some of the "high-end" Microsoft
software is enough to drive you insane. Ever tried
installing Exchange Server or, worse, installing Exchange
Server and migrating a 5.5 install to Exchange 2000? I feel
your pain -- oh, how I feel your pain.
#8 - Politeness > Brevity
You can come up with all sorts of analogies for this one.
You'll get more bees with honey, a spoonful of sugar, etc.
But generally, you probably have very little day-to-day
contact with end users. This means that when you do finally
get to speak to one of those souls fortunate enough to login
to your domain (both figuratively and literally), you should
be sure to be as polite as possible about it. Even if the
network is down. Even if the server is having weird,
irrational problems. Use please, thank you, I'm sorry, and
don't be too proud to apologize or "make nice" with those
who may ultimately influence your career path down the line.
The peon you insult today with "I sent an email about this;
do you not check your own email?" could very well climb the
corporate ladder and let you go in a few years. Mind your
manners, peeps.
#9 - Know Your Needs
This one could also be called "Learn Linux." Many admins get
wooed into the idea that "managed solutions" are always the
correct ones. A web interface on a switch is cute, but
rarely useful. A huge Cisco router may not always be
necessary; sometimes a "lo-fi" approach is best. When you
want a spam solution, before looking at $5,000 servers and
huge licensing fees for Windows Server software, take a look
at one of those old "junk" PCs you have in the closet,
download your favorite distro of Linux, and install procmail
and spamassassin. You (and your budget) will thank me later.
#10 - The Holy Grail of Tech Support
…is the reboot. Rebooting can cure ailments of all sorts: it
can stop network troubles and crashing computers, find
missing documents, and rescue cats in trees. System admins
all over the world have, by and large, trained their users
to reboot before even calling support. I mean, when's the
last time you didn't reboot to see if it cured a problem? If
you're not, then you're either stubborn or you're an admin
who knows better. Rebooting doesn't cure all ailments, but
it cures so many of them that it's hard to not throw out a
"Can you reboot for me?" to the end user when they call with
some off-the-wall issue. Use and abuse as necessary.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, counsel. Those who can't counsel, administrate. Those who can't administrate, enter data into the computer. Those who can't enter data into the computer, take dictation. Those who can't take dictation, alphabetize files. Those who can't alphabetize files, answer the phone. Those who can't answer the phone, fry hamburgers. Those who can't fry hamburgers, run the cash register. Those who can't run the cash register, wait on tables. Those who can't wait on tables, carry dirty dishes to the kitchen. Those who can't carry dirty dishes to the kitchen, wash the dirty dishes. Those who can't wash dirty dishes, peel potatoes. Those who can't peel potatoes, buff the floor. Those who can't buff the floor, haul out the garbage. Those who can't haul out the garbage, write poetry. Those who can't write poetry, write clever letters to the editor. Those who can't write clever letters to the editor, write angry letters to the editor. Those who can't write angry letters to the editor, spray-paint graffiti. Those who can't spray-paint graffiti, write screenplays. Those who can't write screenplays, write TV scripts. Those who can't write TV scripts, read scripts for the studios. Those who can't read scripts for the studios, act. Those who can't act, take acting classes. Those who can't take acting classes, sing. Those who can't sing, sing Rock'N'Roll. Those who can't sing Rock'N'Roll, sing it anyway. Those who can't sing it anyway, become depressed. Those who can't become depressed, get bitter. Those who can't get bitter, get confused. Those who can't get confused, stay confused. Those who stay confused, find it difficult to complete unfinished sentences. Those who find it difficult to complete unfinished sentences, _____________.
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