!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This makes the DH for today a bit long, but it is in
the spirit of the season...
Deck the Malls
Deck the mall with wreaths & holly,
Fa la la, get shopping underway.
Make the shoppers' mood be jolly.
Fa la, Halloween was yesterday.
Christmas is a two-month season,
Fa la la, spend those bucks...buy, buy, buy,
Profits are the Xmas reason.
Max out all your cards, and don't ask why.
Santas in the mall are happy.
Fa la, get your Santa pictures here.
Camera lenses quickly snappy.
Natur'lly it costs--but feel the cheer.
Saving dough's not patriotic.
Fa la, just hear that old money jingle.
Who cares if the mall's chaotic?
Cap'talism's new saint is Kris Kringle.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A popular New York barber shop had a new robotic
barber installed. A fellow came in for a haircut. As
the robot began to cut his hair, it asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot
proceeded to make conversation about physics,
astronomy, investments, insurance and so on. The man
listened intently and said, "This is really cool."
Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the
robot asked him as it began the haircut, What's your
IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started
talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man
thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
Later on, a third guy came in to the barbershop. As
with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man replied, 58. The robot then said,
"So, I understand you Democrats are really excited
about Hillary running for president?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't pass up a blonde joke -- even if we saw it last
year... From SportsJokes: TOP 10 BLONDE INVENTIONS
1. Water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat on a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and
upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and
ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all
together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret
that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your
photo and return the others."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a
borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions
that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet
owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent
years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):
* "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it
okay for her to eat it?" -- mother, Staten Island, N.Y.
* "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"
-- dog owner, Arlington, Tex.
* "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- dog owner, Cambridge,
Mass.
* "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a
vitamin B deficiency?" -- dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.
* "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog
food?" -- dog owner, Anchorage, Ak.
* "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his
character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog
owner, Richmond, Va.
* "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso,
Tex.
* "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig
owner, Vero Beach, Fla.
* "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I
sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.
* "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami,
Fla.
* "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them
home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new
kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.
* "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet
owner, Ephrata, Wash.
* "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat
magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom,
Englewood, Ohio.
* "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's
teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif.
* "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long
Barn, Ohio.
* "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif.
* "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a
tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.
"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a
straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer
Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the
time, we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help
pet owners with their questions, so however strange those
questions may seem, we try our best to answer them."
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Saturday, December 10, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his
mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially
when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom's Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade
tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine
patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids
(in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that
don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming
toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a
waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult
music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing
talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind
the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says,
"Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one
potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I
could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking
stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making
the In-law's house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a
few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be
too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my
conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
visit your group on the web, go to:
X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops...
A young executive was working late, trying to impress
his boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., he
found the CEO standing in front of the document
shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document, and my secretary left hours ago.
Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. Excited with
the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the
machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't know
what I would have done without you."
As his paper disappeared inside the machine the
relieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vern & Dottie Allen
* Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.
* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and precious
promises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit."
* Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well
as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my three
previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management
as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage.
- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that
arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain operation.
Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his
mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially
when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom's Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade
tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine
patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids
(in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that
don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming
toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a
waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult
music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing
talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind
the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says,
"Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one
potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I
could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking
stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making
the In-law's house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a
few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be
too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my
conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
visit your group on the web, go to:
X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops...
A young executive was working late, trying to impress
his boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., he
found the CEO standing in front of the document
shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document, and my secretary left hours ago.
Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. Excited with
the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the
machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't know
what I would have done without you."
As his paper disappeared inside the machine the
relieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vern & Dottie Allen
* Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.
* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and precious
promises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit."
* Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well
as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my three
previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management
as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage.
- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that
arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain operation.
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
Friday, December 09, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 9th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We've been in a battle with a SPAMer that exploited ourserver to send SPAM. :( We've fixed the problem and no GCFLemail addresses were compromised. You can read the detailson the news page at http://www.gcfl.net/news.php */Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years AgoToday."The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feelbest.A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparingliving wills.Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill thesuitcase with your pills.Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left orright.Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Night of Tax Day
Twas the night of Tax Day, and all thru the house,Every creature was whirring, even the mouse.The floppy was placed in the disk drive with care,In certainty Saint Silicon soon would be there.
The chips were nestled All snug in their sockets,Their RAM filled with visions of STARWARS and ROCKETS.And Mamma in her kerchief and I in my capHad just settled down for a long ev'ning's rap,
When out of the drives there arose such a racket,I raised up my fist, right ready to whack it.Away to the printer I flew like a flash,And I swore that I'd change my brand of hash!
More rapid than junk FAX these tax forms they came,And it booped and it beeped and it called 'em by name:Now Form 1040! Now Form 1065! Now Schedules A and D too!On! Form 1120! Form 4562!! Form 1098!!! Form 8362!!!!
To the top of the ladder,To The Top of The Heap!Just go away, Go Away!I gotta sleep.
As stray bits which down the cable do fly,When they meet with the processor, soon go awry,So up the tab all these taxes they flew,With a surtax and threats of penalty and interest too!
Now it may be some virus was having its yucks,But the total was over 87 kilobux.So she read all the Pubs, and she said, "What the heck!"Then we signed all the forms, and we wrote 'em a check.
And crossing her fingers and blowing her noseAnd giving a nod, from her chair she arose.She ran to her van, to the key gave a twist,With a spray of gravel, she shook her fist,
And I heard her exclaim as she roared out of sight--"I think in Paducah they'll postmark it midnight."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"In the presence of extraordinary reality, consciousness takes the place of imagination." - Wallace Stevens
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Missions
During the days of the British Raj, a missionary went among the Indians and tried to convert them to Christianity. He explained how Heaven would belong to the faithful.
One Indian said, "Your Heaven can't be all that good."
The missionary explained again why it would indeed be wonderful.
The Indian replied, "Then why haven't the British taken it over?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ineffective Daily Affirmations. . . .- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly,stupid, and disgusting parts. - I am at one with my duality.- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tiethemselves into knots.- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40thbirthday.- Only a lack of imagination saves me fromimmobilizing myself with imaginary fears.- I honor and express all facets of my being,regardless of state and local laws.- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice,for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solutionto the problem.- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room allday watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into thebedroom.- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just aminute.....I'll find someone.- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when Ican spend it worrying about the future?- The complete lack of evidence is the surest signthat the conspiracy is working.- I am learning that criticism is not nearly aseffective as sabotage.- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me tothe next step -- blaming my parents.- To have a successful relationship I must learn tomake it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else iswilling to learn from them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to AB: Politically Correct Santa'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's awreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,""Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that lookedstupid!The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quitefrightened.His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs andflows,Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his noseAnd had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,Demanding millions in over-due compensation.So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next.He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion;Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even you.So here is that gift, its price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
We've been in a battle with a SPAMer that exploited ourserver to send SPAM. :( We've fixed the problem and no GCFLemail addresses were compromised. You can read the detailson the news page at http://www.gcfl.net/news.php */Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years AgoToday."The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feelbest.A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparingliving wills.Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill thesuitcase with your pills.Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left orright.Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Night of Tax Day
Twas the night of Tax Day, and all thru the house,Every creature was whirring, even the mouse.The floppy was placed in the disk drive with care,In certainty Saint Silicon soon would be there.
The chips were nestled All snug in their sockets,Their RAM filled with visions of STARWARS and ROCKETS.And Mamma in her kerchief and I in my capHad just settled down for a long ev'ning's rap,
When out of the drives there arose such a racket,I raised up my fist, right ready to whack it.Away to the printer I flew like a flash,And I swore that I'd change my brand of hash!
More rapid than junk FAX these tax forms they came,And it booped and it beeped and it called 'em by name:Now Form 1040! Now Form 1065! Now Schedules A and D too!On! Form 1120! Form 4562!! Form 1098!!! Form 8362!!!!
To the top of the ladder,To The Top of The Heap!Just go away, Go Away!I gotta sleep.
As stray bits which down the cable do fly,When they meet with the processor, soon go awry,So up the tab all these taxes they flew,With a surtax and threats of penalty and interest too!
Now it may be some virus was having its yucks,But the total was over 87 kilobux.So she read all the Pubs, and she said, "What the heck!"Then we signed all the forms, and we wrote 'em a check.
And crossing her fingers and blowing her noseAnd giving a nod, from her chair she arose.She ran to her van, to the key gave a twist,With a spray of gravel, she shook her fist,
And I heard her exclaim as she roared out of sight--"I think in Paducah they'll postmark it midnight."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"In the presence of extraordinary reality, consciousness takes the place of imagination." - Wallace Stevens
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Missions
During the days of the British Raj, a missionary went among the Indians and tried to convert them to Christianity. He explained how Heaven would belong to the faithful.
One Indian said, "Your Heaven can't be all that good."
The missionary explained again why it would indeed be wonderful.
The Indian replied, "Then why haven't the British taken it over?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ineffective Daily Affirmations. . . .- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly,stupid, and disgusting parts. - I am at one with my duality.- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tiethemselves into knots.- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40thbirthday.- Only a lack of imagination saves me fromimmobilizing myself with imaginary fears.- I honor and express all facets of my being,regardless of state and local laws.- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice,for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solutionto the problem.- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room allday watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into thebedroom.- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just aminute.....I'll find someone.- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when Ican spend it worrying about the future?- The complete lack of evidence is the surest signthat the conspiracy is working.- I am learning that criticism is not nearly aseffective as sabotage.- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me tothe next step -- blaming my parents.- To have a successful relationship I must learn tomake it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else iswilling to learn from them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to AB: Politically Correct Santa'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's awreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,""Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that lookedstupid!The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quitefrightened.His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs andflows,Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his noseAnd had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,Demanding millions in over-due compensation.So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next.He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion;Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even you.So here is that gift, its price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Thursday, December 08, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 8th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across asecret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found adusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appearedin a puff of smoke. "For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?" The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that noman has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do." "Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and mygirlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got somepopcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were beingshown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, andgave my girlfriend a kiss. Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Analogies and Metaphors These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. - John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. - He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. - Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that hadbeen left out so long, it had rusted shut. - Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. - The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan justmight work. - The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. - He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duckthat was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something. - The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her,like a dog at a fire hydrant. - It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools. - He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were agarbage truck backing up. - Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. - She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. - Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper faxmachine that needed a band tightening. - It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.****************** *Here is today's Oneliner.* "As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it."- Buddy Hackett
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Here is today's CleanPun. - HMO Plans* "The majority of HMO plans I've seen can be likened to hospital gowns-- you only think you're covered."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Christmas Turkey One year at Christmas, mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, then re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Money.... It can buy a HouseBut not a Home It can buy a BedBut not Sleep It can buy a ClockBut not Time It can buy you a BookBut not Knowledge It can buy you a PositionBut not Respect It can buy you MedicineBut not Health It can buy you BloodBut not Life It can buy you SexBut not Love So you see... money isn't everything.And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend,and as your Friend, I want to take away your pain andsuffering... So send me all your moneyAnd I will suffer for you.That's what a friend is for. Cash is fine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!From a friend -- A new twist on an old tale... 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through thehouse,Not a peripheral was stirring, not even a mouse;The modem was hung by the keyboard with careIn hopes that a download soon would be there.The pirates were nestled all snug in their bedsWhile visions of unprotects danced in their headsAnd ma in her kerchief, and I in my cap,Had just settled down for a long winter's napWhen up on the hard drive there arose such a clatter,I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter!Away to the monitor I flew like a flashSat down at the keyboard, gave the spacebar a mash.The sight on the screen, a'flicker with snow,Gave the luster of power surge to the menu below.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,but an autoexec.bat that seemed rather queer.With a little print driver so lively and quickI knew in a moment I had seen a new trick!More rapid than eagles my cursor it came;my voice box whistled, and shouted, and called me byname."Now format, now rename, now copy, and enter!On num lock, on caps lock, on scroll lock and printer! To the top of the page, to the top of the doc,now tab it and hold it and merge it and block."As utilities that build up the CPU speedClash with just the programs I needSo up to the screen top the cursor it flewWith a RAM full of memory and an extension board too.And then, in a twinkling I heard on the speaker,The grinding of the hard drive growing much weaker.As I tried to reboot and turn it aroundThe attributes changed from blue into brown.I hit the control, the alt, the delete.The message it gave me, I cannot repeat.It asked me to ignore, retry or abort.It told me the parallel had become the comm port.It's lights how they twinkled; it's pixels how merry.It's prompts were all scrambled, like a bowl full ofcherries.It sounded just like it wanted to blow;the screen was suddenly white like the snow.It scrolled the directory before my very eyesWith programs I did not even recognize.It wouldn't see D, It wouldn't see E.I couldn't get out of B into C.Norton's tried to read it;It finally found the FAT;But alas, the disk was faulty,and could not reformat.Away flew the DBase;Away flew the DOSes;Away flew the Wordstar;Right out with the Windows.The spreadsheets were spreading;The footers were heading;What once had been memoryWas close to forgetting.When the grinding was overAnd the smoke had all cleared,I looked at the unitAnd it was just as I'd feared.The 40 Meg wonder had crashed in the night.I'll never be able to block out that sight!So tell everyone to avoid my plight....Back up! Back up! Merry Christmas, and good night! The End!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top Tips for LifeDon't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.Men: When listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.Ladies: If invited to a fancy party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.Homeowners: Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.White wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send the stranded driver on his way.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and mygirlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got somepopcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were beingshown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, andgave my girlfriend a kiss. Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Analogies and Metaphors These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. - John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. - He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. - Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that hadbeen left out so long, it had rusted shut. - Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. - The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan justmight work. - The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. - He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duckthat was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something. - The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her,like a dog at a fire hydrant. - It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools. - He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were agarbage truck backing up. - Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. - She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. - Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper faxmachine that needed a band tightening. - It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.****************** *Here is today's Oneliner.* "As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it."- Buddy Hackett
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Here is today's CleanPun. - HMO Plans* "The majority of HMO plans I've seen can be likened to hospital gowns-- you only think you're covered."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Christmas Turkey One year at Christmas, mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, then re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Money.... It can buy a HouseBut not a Home It can buy a BedBut not Sleep It can buy a ClockBut not Time It can buy you a BookBut not Knowledge It can buy you a PositionBut not Respect It can buy you MedicineBut not Health It can buy you BloodBut not Life It can buy you SexBut not Love So you see... money isn't everything.And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend,and as your Friend, I want to take away your pain andsuffering... So send me all your moneyAnd I will suffer for you.That's what a friend is for. Cash is fine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!From a friend -- A new twist on an old tale... 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through thehouse,Not a peripheral was stirring, not even a mouse;The modem was hung by the keyboard with careIn hopes that a download soon would be there.The pirates were nestled all snug in their bedsWhile visions of unprotects danced in their headsAnd ma in her kerchief, and I in my cap,Had just settled down for a long winter's napWhen up on the hard drive there arose such a clatter,I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter!Away to the monitor I flew like a flashSat down at the keyboard, gave the spacebar a mash.The sight on the screen, a'flicker with snow,Gave the luster of power surge to the menu below.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,but an autoexec.bat that seemed rather queer.With a little print driver so lively and quickI knew in a moment I had seen a new trick!More rapid than eagles my cursor it came;my voice box whistled, and shouted, and called me byname."Now format, now rename, now copy, and enter!On num lock, on caps lock, on scroll lock and printer! To the top of the page, to the top of the doc,now tab it and hold it and merge it and block."As utilities that build up the CPU speedClash with just the programs I needSo up to the screen top the cursor it flewWith a RAM full of memory and an extension board too.And then, in a twinkling I heard on the speaker,The grinding of the hard drive growing much weaker.As I tried to reboot and turn it aroundThe attributes changed from blue into brown.I hit the control, the alt, the delete.The message it gave me, I cannot repeat.It asked me to ignore, retry or abort.It told me the parallel had become the comm port.It's lights how they twinkled; it's pixels how merry.It's prompts were all scrambled, like a bowl full ofcherries.It sounded just like it wanted to blow;the screen was suddenly white like the snow.It scrolled the directory before my very eyesWith programs I did not even recognize.It wouldn't see D, It wouldn't see E.I couldn't get out of B into C.Norton's tried to read it;It finally found the FAT;But alas, the disk was faulty,and could not reformat.Away flew the DBase;Away flew the DOSes;Away flew the Wordstar;Right out with the Windows.The spreadsheets were spreading;The footers were heading;What once had been memoryWas close to forgetting.When the grinding was overAnd the smoke had all cleared,I looked at the unitAnd it was just as I'd feared.The 40 Meg wonder had crashed in the night.I'll never be able to block out that sight!So tell everyone to avoid my plight....Back up! Back up! Merry Christmas, and good night! The End!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top Tips for LifeDon't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.Men: When listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.Ladies: If invited to a fancy party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.Homeowners: Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.White wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send the stranded driver on his way.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 7th
College LaundryMy son was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. He was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him."Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The year is 1905 -- one hundred years ago. What a differencea century makes!Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the year 1905:The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost elevendollars.There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roadsin the U.S.The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each moreheavily populated than California.With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21stmost populous state in the Union.The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year,a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and$4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 peryear.More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place athome.Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education.Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many ofwhich were condemned in the press and by the government as"substandard."Sugar cost four cents a pound.Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.Most women washed their hair only once a month, and theyused borax or egg yolks for shampoo.Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people fromentering into their country for any reason.Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:1. Pneumonia and influenza2. Tuberculosis3. Diarrhea4. Heart disease5. StrokeThe American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, NewMexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Unionyet.The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't beeninvented yet.There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.Two out of every ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write.Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from highschool.Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over thecounter at the local corner drugstores.Back then a pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion,gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach andbowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."(Shocking!)Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least onefull-time servant or domestic help.There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years!Received from Tim Krell.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank You Cards
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.
This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life." - Muhammad Ali
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Communication
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations, or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable, philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a clarified conciseness, a compact comprehensibility, coalescent consistency, and a concatenated cogency. Eschew all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and veracious vivacity, without rhodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolixity, psittaceous vacuity, ventriloquial verbosity, and vaniloquent vapidity. Shun double-entendres, prurient jocosity, and pestiferous profanity, obscurant or apparent.
In other words, talk plainly, briefly, naturally, sensibly, truthfully, purely. Keep from slang; don't put on airs; say what you mean; mean what you say.
And DON'T USE BIG WORDS!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Facts of Life"1. At least 5 people in this world, love you so muchthey would die for you.2. At least 15 people in this world love you, in someway.3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you, isbecause they want to be just like you.4. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone,even if they don't like you.5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before theygo to sleep.6. You mean the world to someone.7. Without you, someone may not be living.8. You are special and unique, in your own way.9. Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you.10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, somethinggood comes from it.11. When you think the world has turned it's back onyou, take a look, you most likely turned your back onthe world.12. When you think you have no chance at getting whatyou want, you probably won't get it, but if youbelieve in yourself, you probably sooner or later willget it.13. Always remember complements you received, forgetabout the rude remarks.14. Always tell someone how you feel about them, youwill feel much better when they know.15. If you have great friends, take the time to letthem know that they are great.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GRANDMA 's drivingThe other day I went up to a local Christian bookstoreand saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because Ihad just come from a thrilling choir performance,followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I boughtthe sticker and put in on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He isand I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because ifhe hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while Iwas sitting there, the guy behind started honking likecrazy, and when he leaned out of his window andscreamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What anexuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of mywindow and started waving and smiling at all theseloving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in thelove. There must have been a man from Florida backthere because I heard him yelling something about asunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only hismiddle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked myteenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, hesaid that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign orsomething. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leanedout the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he wasenjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy ofthe moment that they got out of their cars and startedwalking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church Iattended, but this is when I noticed the light hadchanged. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning,and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through theintersection before the light changed again and I feltkind of sad that I had to leave them after all thelove we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leanedout of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian goodluck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise theLord for such wonderful folks!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The year is 1905 -- one hundred years ago. What a differencea century makes!Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the year 1905:The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost elevendollars.There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roadsin the U.S.The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each moreheavily populated than California.With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21stmost populous state in the Union.The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year,a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and$4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 peryear.More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place athome.Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education.Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many ofwhich were condemned in the press and by the government as"substandard."Sugar cost four cents a pound.Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.Most women washed their hair only once a month, and theyused borax or egg yolks for shampoo.Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people fromentering into their country for any reason.Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:1. Pneumonia and influenza2. Tuberculosis3. Diarrhea4. Heart disease5. StrokeThe American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, NewMexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Unionyet.The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't beeninvented yet.There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.Two out of every ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write.Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from highschool.Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over thecounter at the local corner drugstores.Back then a pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion,gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach andbowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."(Shocking!)Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least onefull-time servant or domestic help.There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years!Received from Tim Krell.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank You Cards
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.
This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life." - Muhammad Ali
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Communication
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations, or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable, philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a clarified conciseness, a compact comprehensibility, coalescent consistency, and a concatenated cogency. Eschew all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and veracious vivacity, without rhodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolixity, psittaceous vacuity, ventriloquial verbosity, and vaniloquent vapidity. Shun double-entendres, prurient jocosity, and pestiferous profanity, obscurant or apparent.
In other words, talk plainly, briefly, naturally, sensibly, truthfully, purely. Keep from slang; don't put on airs; say what you mean; mean what you say.
And DON'T USE BIG WORDS!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Facts of Life"1. At least 5 people in this world, love you so muchthey would die for you.2. At least 15 people in this world love you, in someway.3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you, isbecause they want to be just like you.4. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone,even if they don't like you.5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before theygo to sleep.6. You mean the world to someone.7. Without you, someone may not be living.8. You are special and unique, in your own way.9. Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you.10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, somethinggood comes from it.11. When you think the world has turned it's back onyou, take a look, you most likely turned your back onthe world.12. When you think you have no chance at getting whatyou want, you probably won't get it, but if youbelieve in yourself, you probably sooner or later willget it.13. Always remember complements you received, forgetabout the rude remarks.14. Always tell someone how you feel about them, youwill feel much better when they know.15. If you have great friends, take the time to letthem know that they are great.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GRANDMA 's drivingThe other day I went up to a local Christian bookstoreand saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because Ihad just come from a thrilling choir performance,followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I boughtthe sticker and put in on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He isand I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because ifhe hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while Iwas sitting there, the guy behind started honking likecrazy, and when he leaned out of his window andscreamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What anexuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of mywindow and started waving and smiling at all theseloving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in thelove. There must have been a man from Florida backthere because I heard him yelling something about asunny beach... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only hismiddle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked myteenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, hesaid that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign orsomething. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leanedout the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he wasenjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy ofthe moment that they got out of their cars and startedwalking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church Iattended, but this is when I noticed the light hadchanged. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning,and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through theintersection before the light changed again and I feltkind of sad that I had to leave them after all thelove we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leanedout of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian goodluck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise theLord for such wonderful folks!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 6th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (An old favorite) -- Youmight be from a small town if...1. You can name everyone you graduated with.2. You know what FFA is.3. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or inthe middle of a dirt road.4. Your idea of a FUN weekend was riding aroundparking lots because that is where EVERYBODY was.5. Your idea of an EXCITING weekend was watching afight in the parking lot.6. You swore at someone and your parents knew withinthe hour.7. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.8. School gets canceled for city, county, or stateevents.9. You were ever in the Homecoming parade.10. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.11. Everyone thought it was really cool to datesomeone from the neighboring town.12. You had senior skip day.13. The whole school went to the same party aftergraduation.14. You don't give directions by street names, butinstead like this: Turn right by Nelson's house, gotwo blocks east past Anderson's, and it's four housesleft of the track field.15. The country club golf course had only 9 holes. (Orthere wasn't even one.)16. You can't help but date a friendsex-boyfriend/girlfriend.17. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980as the "rich people".18. The people in the city dress funny, then your townpicks up on the trend a few years later.19. You bragged to your friends because you got pipeson your truck for your birthday.20. Anyone you want can be found at either the DairyQueen or the feed store.21. You see at least one friend a week driving atractor through town.22. The football coach suggested that you haul hay forthe summer to get stronger.23. Directions are given using "the" stoplight as areference.24. The city council meets at the coffee shop.25. Your "letter jacket" was worn after your 19thbirthday.26. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5people pull over and ask if you need a ride.27. Your teachers call you by your older siblings'names.28. Your teachers remember when they taught yourparents.29. The closest Taco Bell or Burger King is at least30 miles away.30. So is the closest shopping mall.31. It is normal to see an old man riding through townon a riding lawnmower.32. You have a good laugh reading this because youknow they're all true.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great story from PW: Sand & StoneA story tells that two friends were walking throughthe desert. During some point of the journey they hadan argument, and one friend slapped the other one inthe face. The one who got slapped was hurt, butwithout saying anything, wrote in the sand: "TODAY MYBEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE."They kept on walking until they found an oasis, wherethey decided to take a bath. The one who had beenslapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning,but the friend saved him. After he recovered from thenear drowning, he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BESTFRIEND SAVED MY LIFE."The friend who had slapped and saved his best friendasked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sandand now, you write on a stone, why?" The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us weshould write it down in sand where winds offorgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone doessomething good for us, we must engrave it in stonewhere no wind can ever erase it."WE SHOULD ALL LEARN TO WRITE OUR HURTS IN THE SAND ANDCARVE OUR BLESSINGS IN STONE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: What It Means To Be Poor...One day a father of a very wealthy family took his sonon a trip to the country with the firm purpose ofshowing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm ofwhat would be considered a very poor family.On their return from their trip, the father asked hisson, "How was the trip?""It was great, Dad.""Did you see how poor people can be?" the fatherasked."Oh Yeah" said the son."So what did you learn from the trip?" asked thefather.The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and theyhad four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle ofour garden and they have a creek that has no end. Wehave imported lanterns in our garden and they have thestars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yardand they have the whole horizon. We have a small pieceof land to live on and they have fields that go beyondour sight. We have servants who serve us, but theyserve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs.We have walls around our property to protect us, theyhave friends to protect them." With this the boy's father was speechless. Then hisson added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor weare."Too many times we forget what we have and concentrateon what we don't have. What is one person's worthlessobject is another's prize possession. It is all basedon one's perspective. Makes you wonder what wouldhappen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty wehave, instead of worrying about wanting more. Take joyin all you have, especially your friends.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (An old favorite) -- Youmight be from a small town if...1. You can name everyone you graduated with.2. You know what FFA is.3. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or inthe middle of a dirt road.4. Your idea of a FUN weekend was riding aroundparking lots because that is where EVERYBODY was.5. Your idea of an EXCITING weekend was watching afight in the parking lot.6. You swore at someone and your parents knew withinthe hour.7. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.8. School gets canceled for city, county, or stateevents.9. You were ever in the Homecoming parade.10. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.11. Everyone thought it was really cool to datesomeone from the neighboring town.12. You had senior skip day.13. The whole school went to the same party aftergraduation.14. You don't give directions by street names, butinstead like this: Turn right by Nelson's house, gotwo blocks east past Anderson's, and it's four housesleft of the track field.15. The country club golf course had only 9 holes. (Orthere wasn't even one.)16. You can't help but date a friendsex-boyfriend/girlfriend.17. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980as the "rich people".18. The people in the city dress funny, then your townpicks up on the trend a few years later.19. You bragged to your friends because you got pipeson your truck for your birthday.20. Anyone you want can be found at either the DairyQueen or the feed store.21. You see at least one friend a week driving atractor through town.22. The football coach suggested that you haul hay forthe summer to get stronger.23. Directions are given using "the" stoplight as areference.24. The city council meets at the coffee shop.25. Your "letter jacket" was worn after your 19thbirthday.26. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5people pull over and ask if you need a ride.27. Your teachers call you by your older siblings'names.28. Your teachers remember when they taught yourparents.29. The closest Taco Bell or Burger King is at least30 miles away.30. So is the closest shopping mall.31. It is normal to see an old man riding through townon a riding lawnmower.32. You have a good laugh reading this because youknow they're all true.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great story from PW: Sand & StoneA story tells that two friends were walking throughthe desert. During some point of the journey they hadan argument, and one friend slapped the other one inthe face. The one who got slapped was hurt, butwithout saying anything, wrote in the sand: "TODAY MYBEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE."They kept on walking until they found an oasis, wherethey decided to take a bath. The one who had beenslapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning,but the friend saved him. After he recovered from thenear drowning, he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BESTFRIEND SAVED MY LIFE."The friend who had slapped and saved his best friendasked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sandand now, you write on a stone, why?" The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us weshould write it down in sand where winds offorgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone doessomething good for us, we must engrave it in stonewhere no wind can ever erase it."WE SHOULD ALL LEARN TO WRITE OUR HURTS IN THE SAND ANDCARVE OUR BLESSINGS IN STONE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: What It Means To Be Poor...One day a father of a very wealthy family took his sonon a trip to the country with the firm purpose ofshowing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm ofwhat would be considered a very poor family.On their return from their trip, the father asked hisson, "How was the trip?""It was great, Dad.""Did you see how poor people can be?" the fatherasked."Oh Yeah" said the son."So what did you learn from the trip?" asked thefather.The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and theyhad four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle ofour garden and they have a creek that has no end. Wehave imported lanterns in our garden and they have thestars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yardand they have the whole horizon. We have a small pieceof land to live on and they have fields that go beyondour sight. We have servants who serve us, but theyserve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs.We have walls around our property to protect us, theyhave friends to protect them." With this the boy's father was speechless. Then hisson added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor weare."Too many times we forget what we have and concentrateon what we don't have. What is one person's worthlessobject is another's prize possession. It is all basedon one's perspective. Makes you wonder what wouldhappen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty wehave, instead of worrying about wanting more. Take joyin all you have, especially your friends.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hUMOR For Dec. 6th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (An old favorite) -- Youmight be from a small town if...1. You can name everyone you graduated with.2. You know what FFA is.3. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or inthe middle of a dirt road.4. Your idea of a FUN weekend was riding aroundparking lots because that is where EVERYBODY was.5. Your idea of an EXCITING weekend was watching afight in the parking lot.6. You swore at someone and your parents knew withinthe hour.7. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.8. School gets canceled for city, county, or stateevents.9. You were ever in the Homecoming parade.10. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.11. Everyone thought it was really cool to datesomeone from the neighboring town.12. You had senior skip day.13. The whole school went to the same party aftergraduation.14. You don't give directions by street names, butinstead like this: Turn right by Nelson's house, gotwo blocks east past Anderson's, and it's four housesleft of the track field.15. The country club golf course had only 9 holes. (Orthere wasn't even one.)16. You can't help but date a friendsex-boyfriend/girlfriend.17. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980as the "rich people".18. The people in the city dress funny, then your townpicks up on the trend a few years later.19. You bragged to your friends because you got pipeson your truck for your birthday.20. Anyone you want can be found at either the DairyQueen or the feed store.21. You see at least one friend a week driving atractor through town.22. The football coach suggested that you haul hay forthe summer to get stronger.23. Directions are given using "the" stoplight as areference.24. The city council meets at the coffee shop.25. Your "letter jacket" was worn after your 19thbirthday.26. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5people pull over and ask if you need a ride.27. Your teachers call you by your older siblings'names.28. Your teachers remember when they taught yourparents.29. The closest Taco Bell or Burger King is at least30 miles away.30. So is the closest shopping mall.31. It is normal to see an old man riding through townon a riding lawnmower.32. You have a good laugh reading this because youknow they're all true.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great story from PW: Sand & StoneA story tells that two friends were walking throughthe desert. During some point of the journey they hadan argument, and one friend slapped the other one inthe face. The one who got slapped was hurt, butwithout saying anything, wrote in the sand: "TODAY MYBEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE."They kept on walking until they found an oasis, wherethey decided to take a bath. The one who had beenslapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning,but the friend saved him. After he recovered from thenear drowning, he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BESTFRIEND SAVED MY LIFE."The friend who had slapped and saved his best friendasked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sandand now, you write on a stone, why?" The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us weshould write it down in sand where winds offorgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone doessomething good for us, we must engrave it in stonewhere no wind can ever erase it."WE SHOULD ALL LEARN TO WRITE OUR HURTS IN THE SAND ANDCARVE OUR BLESSINGS IN STONE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: What It Means To Be Poor...One day a father of a very wealthy family took his sonon a trip to the country with the firm purpose ofshowing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm ofwhat would be considered a very poor family.On their return from their trip, the father asked hisson, "How was the trip?""It was great, Dad.""Did you see how poor people can be?" the fatherasked."Oh Yeah" said the son."So what did you learn from the trip?" asked thefather.The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and theyhad four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle ofour garden and they have a creek that has no end. Wehave imported lanterns in our garden and they have thestars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yardand they have the whole horizon. We have a small pieceof land to live on and they have fields that go beyondour sight. We have servants who serve us, but theyserve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs.We have walls around our property to protect us, theyhave friends to protect them." With this the boy's father was speechless. Then hisson added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor weare."Too many times we forget what we have and concentrateon what we don't have. What is one person's worthlessobject is another's prize possession. It is all basedon one's perspective. Makes you wonder what wouldhappen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty wehave, instead of worrying about wanting more. Take joyin all you have, especially your friends.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (An old favorite) -- Youmight be from a small town if...1. You can name everyone you graduated with.2. You know what FFA is.3. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or inthe middle of a dirt road.4. Your idea of a FUN weekend was riding aroundparking lots because that is where EVERYBODY was.5. Your idea of an EXCITING weekend was watching afight in the parking lot.6. You swore at someone and your parents knew withinthe hour.7. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.8. School gets canceled for city, county, or stateevents.9. You were ever in the Homecoming parade.10. You have ever gone home for Homecoming.11. Everyone thought it was really cool to datesomeone from the neighboring town.12. You had senior skip day.13. The whole school went to the same party aftergraduation.14. You don't give directions by street names, butinstead like this: Turn right by Nelson's house, gotwo blocks east past Anderson's, and it's four housesleft of the track field.15. The country club golf course had only 9 holes. (Orthere wasn't even one.)16. You can't help but date a friendsex-boyfriend/girlfriend.17. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980as the "rich people".18. The people in the city dress funny, then your townpicks up on the trend a few years later.19. You bragged to your friends because you got pipeson your truck for your birthday.20. Anyone you want can be found at either the DairyQueen or the feed store.21. You see at least one friend a week driving atractor through town.22. The football coach suggested that you haul hay forthe summer to get stronger.23. Directions are given using "the" stoplight as areference.24. The city council meets at the coffee shop.25. Your "letter jacket" was worn after your 19thbirthday.26. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5people pull over and ask if you need a ride.27. Your teachers call you by your older siblings'names.28. Your teachers remember when they taught yourparents.29. The closest Taco Bell or Burger King is at least30 miles away.30. So is the closest shopping mall.31. It is normal to see an old man riding through townon a riding lawnmower.32. You have a good laugh reading this because youknow they're all true.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great story from PW: Sand & StoneA story tells that two friends were walking throughthe desert. During some point of the journey they hadan argument, and one friend slapped the other one inthe face. The one who got slapped was hurt, butwithout saying anything, wrote in the sand: "TODAY MYBEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE."They kept on walking until they found an oasis, wherethey decided to take a bath. The one who had beenslapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning,but the friend saved him. After he recovered from thenear drowning, he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BESTFRIEND SAVED MY LIFE."The friend who had slapped and saved his best friendasked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sandand now, you write on a stone, why?" The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us weshould write it down in sand where winds offorgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone doessomething good for us, we must engrave it in stonewhere no wind can ever erase it."WE SHOULD ALL LEARN TO WRITE OUR HURTS IN THE SAND ANDCARVE OUR BLESSINGS IN STONE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: What It Means To Be Poor...One day a father of a very wealthy family took his sonon a trip to the country with the firm purpose ofshowing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm ofwhat would be considered a very poor family.On their return from their trip, the father asked hisson, "How was the trip?""It was great, Dad.""Did you see how poor people can be?" the fatherasked."Oh Yeah" said the son."So what did you learn from the trip?" asked thefather.The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and theyhad four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle ofour garden and they have a creek that has no end. Wehave imported lanterns in our garden and they have thestars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yardand they have the whole horizon. We have a small pieceof land to live on and they have fields that go beyondour sight. We have servants who serve us, but theyserve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs.We have walls around our property to protect us, theyhave friends to protect them." With this the boy's father was speechless. Then hisson added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor weare."Too many times we forget what we have and concentrateon what we don't have. What is one person's worthlessobject is another's prize possession. It is all basedon one's perspective. Makes you wonder what wouldhappen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty wehave, instead of worrying about wanting more. Take joyin all you have, especially your friends.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, December 05, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 5th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who's Your Daddy
While the family was sitting around the dinner table, Jennifer, 5, turned to her brother Andy, 3, and pointed to her dad. "That's not your real father," she said, startling the whole family.
"Yes, he is!" Andy replied.
"No, he's not," Jennifer insisted. "God is your heavenly father."
Then pointing at her dad, she said, "That's your homely father!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: you lived thru it"I Can't Believe You Made It" !If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or70's.Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have livedas long as we have...As children, we would ride in cars with no seat beltsor air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on awarm day was always a special treat.Our baby cribs were covered with bright coloredlead-based paint. We had no childproof lids onmedicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rodeour bikes, we had no helmets.(Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)We drank water from the garden hose and not from abottle. Horrors.We would spend hours building our go-carts out ofscraps and then rode down the hill, only to find outwe forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes afew times we learned to solve the problem.We would leave home in the morning and play all day,as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.No one was able to reach us all day.No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodgeball andsometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut andbroke bones and broke teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. Noone was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?We had fights and punched each other and got black andblue and learned to get over it.We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugarsoda but we were never overweight...we were alwaysoutside playing. We shared one grape soda with fourfriends, from one bottle and no one died from this.We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes,video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tapemovies, surround sound, personal cell phones, PersonalComputers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. Wewent outside and found them. We rode bikes or walkedto a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rungthe bell or just walked in and talked to them.Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! Byourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Withouta guardian. How did we do it?We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ateworms and although we were told it would happen, wedid not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms liveinside us forever.Little League had tryouts and not everyone made theteam. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal withdisappointment..... Some students weren't as smart asothers so they failed a grade and were held back torepeat the same grade.....Horrors. Tests were notadjusted for any reason.Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing usout if we broke a law was unheard of. They actuallysided with the law, imagine that!This generation has produced some of the bestrisk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovationand new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success andresponsibility, and we learned how to deal with itall.And you're one of them.Congratulations!
Who's Your Daddy
While the family was sitting around the dinner table, Jennifer, 5, turned to her brother Andy, 3, and pointed to her dad. "That's not your real father," she said, startling the whole family.
"Yes, he is!" Andy replied.
"No, he's not," Jennifer insisted. "God is your heavenly father."
Then pointing at her dad, she said, "That's your homely father!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: you lived thru it"I Can't Believe You Made It" !If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or70's.Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have livedas long as we have...As children, we would ride in cars with no seat beltsor air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on awarm day was always a special treat.Our baby cribs were covered with bright coloredlead-based paint. We had no childproof lids onmedicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rodeour bikes, we had no helmets.(Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)We drank water from the garden hose and not from abottle. Horrors.We would spend hours building our go-carts out ofscraps and then rode down the hill, only to find outwe forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes afew times we learned to solve the problem.We would leave home in the morning and play all day,as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.No one was able to reach us all day.No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodgeball andsometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut andbroke bones and broke teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. Noone was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?We had fights and punched each other and got black andblue and learned to get over it.We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugarsoda but we were never overweight...we were alwaysoutside playing. We shared one grape soda with fourfriends, from one bottle and no one died from this.We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes,video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tapemovies, surround sound, personal cell phones, PersonalComputers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. Wewent outside and found them. We rode bikes or walkedto a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rungthe bell or just walked in and talked to them.Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! Byourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Withouta guardian. How did we do it?We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ateworms and although we were told it would happen, wedid not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms liveinside us forever.Little League had tryouts and not everyone made theteam. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal withdisappointment..... Some students weren't as smart asothers so they failed a grade and were held back torepeat the same grade.....Horrors. Tests were notadjusted for any reason.Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing usout if we broke a law was unheard of. They actuallysided with the law, imagine that!This generation has produced some of the bestrisk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovationand new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success andresponsibility, and we learned how to deal with itall.And you're one of them.Congratulations!
Sunday, December 04, 2005
whUMOR For Dec. 4th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Traveling Light?
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the
airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of
luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
"No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lost in Bookstore
A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"
Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote.
"It is not possible to have reasonable grounds for not believing in miracles." - Pascal
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Respect
While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered.
But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time. Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and center. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speedy Comeback
The police officer got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped
for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.
The kid replied, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."
When the officer finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did I read that sign correctly?
In a Deptartment Store:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR!
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three guys, all diehard fans, were at a football game. They finally found a seats good enough for them, but there was just one problem with these so called "perfect seats." Three nuns were in front of them blocking their view.
The guys wanted them to move so one said, loud enough for the nuns to hear, "Hey I think I'll move to Idaho. There are only 100 Catholics there."
The second one said, "No I'm gonna move to Montana. There are only 50 Catholics living there."
Then the third guy said, "You two are both wrong. We should move to Wisconsin. There are only 25 Catholics there."
Then one of the nuns turned around and said, "Hey why don't you go to hell... there aren't any Catholics there!"
Traveling Light?
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the
airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of
luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
"No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lost in Bookstore
A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"
Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote.
"It is not possible to have reasonable grounds for not believing in miracles." - Pascal
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Respect
While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered.
But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time. Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and center. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speedy Comeback
The police officer got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped
for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.
The kid replied, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."
When the officer finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did I read that sign correctly?
In a Deptartment Store:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR!
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three guys, all diehard fans, were at a football game. They finally found a seats good enough for them, but there was just one problem with these so called "perfect seats." Three nuns were in front of them blocking their view.
The guys wanted them to move so one said, loud enough for the nuns to hear, "Hey I think I'll move to Idaho. There are only 100 Catholics there."
The second one said, "No I'm gonna move to Montana. There are only 50 Catholics living there."
Then the third guy said, "You two are both wrong. We should move to Wisconsin. There are only 25 Catholics there."
Then one of the nuns turned around and said, "Hey why don't you go to hell... there aren't any Catholics there!"
Saturday, December 03, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 3rd.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Painting the Living RoomI'd been hired to paint a woman's living room, but every time I put another coat of paint on the walls, my client changed her mind about the color. After the third time, it still wasn't right. So back to the paint store I went.As I painted the fourth coat on, she commented, "It seems like you're painting faster."I replied, "No, the room's actually gotten smaller."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/* The server was down for about a day and a half because oftechnical issues and for updates. I think we have solved allthe problems now. Thanks for your patience! */Still living at home, bored, and expecting to inherit afortune when his sickly widower father died, Robert decidedhe needed a woman to keep him company.So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until hespotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Rightnow, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up toher, "but within a month or two, my father will pass awayand I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman wenthome with Robert that night.And four days later, she became his stepmother.Some men never learn...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two dirty bums were walking down the street and stopped at a red light. A catholic priest with his arm in a cast was waiting to cross. "Hey, man," asked one, "what happened?"
"I fell in the bathtub and broke my arm," replied the padre.
One bum turned to the other and asked, "What's a bathtub?"
The other replied, "How do I know, I'm not a Catholic."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Delivery Suspicion
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"A magazine recently published that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were not counted....how can they know that?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Attendance Deal
A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.
Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said:
"I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: LessonsI've learned.... That the best classroom in the worldis at the feet of an elderly person.I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.I've learned.... That just one person saying to me,"You've made my day!" makes my day.I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep inyour arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in theworld.I've learned.... That being kind is more importantthan being right.I've learned.... That you should never say "no" to agift from a child.I've learned.... That I can always pray for someonewhen I don't have the strength to help him in someother way.I've learned.... That no matter how serious your liferequires you to be, everyone needs a friend to actgoofy with.I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs isa hand to hold and a heart to understand.I've learned.... That simple walks with my fatheraround the block on summer nights when I was a childdid wonders for me as an adult.I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toiletpaper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster itgoes.I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn'tgive us everything we ask for.I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class. I've learned.... That it's those small dailyhappenings that make life so spectacular.I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell issomeone who wants to be appreciated and loved.I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in oneday. What makes me think I can?I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does notchange the facts.I've learned.... That when you plan to get even withsomeone, you are only letting that person continue tohurt you.I've learned.... That love, not time, heals allwounds.I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to growas a person is to surround myself with people smarterthan I am.I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter thansleeping with your babies and feeling their breath onyour cheeks.I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fallin love with them.I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost;someone will take the ones you miss.I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness,happiness will dock elsewhere.I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Dadthat I love him one more time before he passed away.I've learned.... That one should keep his words bothsoft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eatthem.I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way toimprove your looks.I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but Ican choose what I do about it.I've learned.... That when your newly born child holdsyour little finger in his little fist, that you'rehooked for life.I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top ofthe mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurswhile you're climbing it.I've learned ... That it is best to give advice inonly two circumstances; when it is requested and whenit is a life threatening situation.I've learned.... That the less time I have to workwith, the more things I get done.
Painting the Living RoomI'd been hired to paint a woman's living room, but every time I put another coat of paint on the walls, my client changed her mind about the color. After the third time, it still wasn't right. So back to the paint store I went.As I painted the fourth coat on, she commented, "It seems like you're painting faster."I replied, "No, the room's actually gotten smaller."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/* The server was down for about a day and a half because oftechnical issues and for updates. I think we have solved allthe problems now. Thanks for your patience! */Still living at home, bored, and expecting to inherit afortune when his sickly widower father died, Robert decidedhe needed a woman to keep him company.So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until hespotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Rightnow, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up toher, "but within a month or two, my father will pass awayand I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman wenthome with Robert that night.And four days later, she became his stepmother.Some men never learn...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two dirty bums were walking down the street and stopped at a red light. A catholic priest with his arm in a cast was waiting to cross. "Hey, man," asked one, "what happened?"
"I fell in the bathtub and broke my arm," replied the padre.
One bum turned to the other and asked, "What's a bathtub?"
The other replied, "How do I know, I'm not a Catholic."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Delivery Suspicion
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"A magazine recently published that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were not counted....how can they know that?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Attendance Deal
A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church IF the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congregation. The preacher agreed and drank up.
Sunday morning the man visited the church. The preacher recognized the man from the pulpit and said:
"I see Mr. Johnson is here with us this morning. I want to thank him publicly for his hospitality this week and especially for the peaches he gave me and the spirit in which they were given."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: LessonsI've learned.... That the best classroom in the worldis at the feet of an elderly person.I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.I've learned.... That just one person saying to me,"You've made my day!" makes my day.I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep inyour arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in theworld.I've learned.... That being kind is more importantthan being right.I've learned.... That you should never say "no" to agift from a child.I've learned.... That I can always pray for someonewhen I don't have the strength to help him in someother way.I've learned.... That no matter how serious your liferequires you to be, everyone needs a friend to actgoofy with.I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs isa hand to hold and a heart to understand.I've learned.... That simple walks with my fatheraround the block on summer nights when I was a childdid wonders for me as an adult.I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toiletpaper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster itgoes.I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn'tgive us everything we ask for.I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class. I've learned.... That it's those small dailyhappenings that make life so spectacular.I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell issomeone who wants to be appreciated and loved.I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in oneday. What makes me think I can?I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does notchange the facts.I've learned.... That when you plan to get even withsomeone, you are only letting that person continue tohurt you.I've learned.... That love, not time, heals allwounds.I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to growas a person is to surround myself with people smarterthan I am.I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter thansleeping with your babies and feeling their breath onyour cheeks.I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fallin love with them.I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost;someone will take the ones you miss.I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness,happiness will dock elsewhere.I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Dadthat I love him one more time before he passed away.I've learned.... That one should keep his words bothsoft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eatthem.I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way toimprove your looks.I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but Ican choose what I do about it.I've learned.... That when your newly born child holdsyour little finger in his little fist, that you'rehooked for life.I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top ofthe mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurswhile you're climbing it.I've learned ... That it is best to give advice inonly two circumstances; when it is requested and whenit is a life threatening situation.I've learned.... That the less time I have to workwith, the more things I get done.
Friday, December 02, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 2nd
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please note that there is nowhere any indication the caller was blonde!!!!
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anthing about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was dying with laughter. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What Were Those Things?As a computer technician, I had just finished a big push, and finally had a little slack time. So I decided to catch up on a small but long-overdue task: copying archived files from some old floppy disks to CD's.There were several dozen 5-1/4-inch disks piled up on my desk. I was busily working my way through these when the new, young IT student came up to me and put some object right down in the middle of my desk."Guess what this is?" the student asked.I like interesting gadgets so I picked it up to look at it. It's a heavy 4-inch cube, apparently made of solid metal, with a large rod sticking out one side."I don't know," I said. "Tell me.""It's a neodymium magnet. The world's most powerful magnet," student said. "It uses rare metals. Look, you can actually switch it on and off just by moving the rod, which combines the metals."Before I could say anything, the student moved the switch. The magnet stuck tight to the metal surface of the desk, which the student demonstrated by trying to pull it off the desk with both hands.He finally got it loose. But by then I'm staring in horror. The monitor on my desk has turned all the colors of the rainbow due to him waving this big magnet about. I shouted at him to take it away from me!But it was too late. Most of the old floppies were wiped or badly corrupted.The student had never seen 5-1/4-inch floppies before, so he didn't realize what they were. It took me a month to recover as much as possible with a disk editor.I did have a laugh, though. The magnet had also wiped all of the magnetic strips on the student's credit cards.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Kittyspann:"It is impossible to rightly govern the world withoutGod and the Bible." - George Washington (NOTE: Butwhat does he know, right? After all, he never watchedCNN... ts)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From StanKegel: Politically Correct 3 Little PigsOnce there were 3 little pigs who lived together inmutual respect and in harmony with their environment.Using materials that were indigenous to the area theyeach built a beautiful house. One pig built a house ofstraw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung,clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked ina small kiln.When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied withtheir work and settled back to live in peace andself-determination.But their idyll was soon shattered.One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionistideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both aphysical and ideological sense.When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the houseof straw.The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door,shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold nofear for pigs defending their homes and culture."But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought washis manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blewdown the house of straw.The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, withthe wolf in hot pursuit.Where the house had stood, other wolves bought up theland and started a banana plantation.At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on thedoor and shouted, "Little, pigs, little pigs, let mein!"The pigs shouted back, "Go away, you carnivorous,imperialistic oppressor!"At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down thehouse of sticks.The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolfclose at their heels.Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolvesbuilt a time- share condo resort complex forvacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglassreconstruction of the house of sticks, as well asnative curio shops, snorkeling and dolphin shows.At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on thedoor and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let mein!"This time in response, the pigs sang songs ofsolidarity and wrote letters of protest to the UnitedNations.By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs'refusal to see the situation from the carnivore'spoint of view.So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, thengrabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massiveheart attack brought on from eating too many fattyfoods.The three little pigs rejoiced that justice hadtriumphed and did a little dance around the corpse ofthe wolf.Their next step was to liberate their homeland.They gathered together a band of other pigs who hadbeen forced off their lands.This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resortcomplex with machine-guns and rocket launchers andslaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clearsignal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle intheir internal affairs.Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy withfree education, universal health care and affordablehousing for everyone.Please note: The wolf in this story was ametaphorical construct. No actual wolves were harmedin the writing of the story.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Company Car
The Company Car...
1. It accelerates at a phenominal rate.
2. It has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
3. It can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
4. The battery , radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
5. The floor is cunningly designed to double as an ashtray.
6. It does not need to be kept under shelter at night.
7. It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
8. It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
9. The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
11. It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
12. It is the only type of car able to leave the road in game reserves and chase after animals in the bush for a closer look.
13. It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday." - Senator John Glenn
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Fear
Our three-year-old daughter, Jenna, was having trouble sleeping through the night, waking up because she was afraid. Each time as I re-tucked her into bed, I would remind her that Jesus was with her and he would keep her safe.
The sleepless nights continued, with Abby seeking comfort in our bedroom. Finally, one night, I asked her if she had prayed for Jesus to take her fear away and help her fall asleep.
"Oh, yes," she assured me. "He told me to come and get you."
Please note that there is nowhere any indication the caller was blonde!!!!
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anthing about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was dying with laughter. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What Were Those Things?As a computer technician, I had just finished a big push, and finally had a little slack time. So I decided to catch up on a small but long-overdue task: copying archived files from some old floppy disks to CD's.There were several dozen 5-1/4-inch disks piled up on my desk. I was busily working my way through these when the new, young IT student came up to me and put some object right down in the middle of my desk."Guess what this is?" the student asked.I like interesting gadgets so I picked it up to look at it. It's a heavy 4-inch cube, apparently made of solid metal, with a large rod sticking out one side."I don't know," I said. "Tell me.""It's a neodymium magnet. The world's most powerful magnet," student said. "It uses rare metals. Look, you can actually switch it on and off just by moving the rod, which combines the metals."Before I could say anything, the student moved the switch. The magnet stuck tight to the metal surface of the desk, which the student demonstrated by trying to pull it off the desk with both hands.He finally got it loose. But by then I'm staring in horror. The monitor on my desk has turned all the colors of the rainbow due to him waving this big magnet about. I shouted at him to take it away from me!But it was too late. Most of the old floppies were wiped or badly corrupted.The student had never seen 5-1/4-inch floppies before, so he didn't realize what they were. It took me a month to recover as much as possible with a disk editor.I did have a laugh, though. The magnet had also wiped all of the magnetic strips on the student's credit cards.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Kittyspann:"It is impossible to rightly govern the world withoutGod and the Bible." - George Washington (NOTE: Butwhat does he know, right? After all, he never watchedCNN... ts)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From StanKegel: Politically Correct 3 Little PigsOnce there were 3 little pigs who lived together inmutual respect and in harmony with their environment.Using materials that were indigenous to the area theyeach built a beautiful house. One pig built a house ofstraw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung,clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked ina small kiln.When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied withtheir work and settled back to live in peace andself-determination.But their idyll was soon shattered.One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionistideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both aphysical and ideological sense.When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the houseof straw.The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door,shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold nofear for pigs defending their homes and culture."But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought washis manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blewdown the house of straw.The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, withthe wolf in hot pursuit.Where the house had stood, other wolves bought up theland and started a banana plantation.At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on thedoor and shouted, "Little, pigs, little pigs, let mein!"The pigs shouted back, "Go away, you carnivorous,imperialistic oppressor!"At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down thehouse of sticks.The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolfclose at their heels.Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolvesbuilt a time- share condo resort complex forvacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglassreconstruction of the house of sticks, as well asnative curio shops, snorkeling and dolphin shows.At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on thedoor and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let mein!"This time in response, the pigs sang songs ofsolidarity and wrote letters of protest to the UnitedNations.By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs'refusal to see the situation from the carnivore'spoint of view.So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, thengrabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massiveheart attack brought on from eating too many fattyfoods.The three little pigs rejoiced that justice hadtriumphed and did a little dance around the corpse ofthe wolf.Their next step was to liberate their homeland.They gathered together a band of other pigs who hadbeen forced off their lands.This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resortcomplex with machine-guns and rocket launchers andslaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clearsignal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle intheir internal affairs.Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy withfree education, universal health care and affordablehousing for everyone.Please note: The wolf in this story was ametaphorical construct. No actual wolves were harmedin the writing of the story.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Company Car
The Company Car...
1. It accelerates at a phenominal rate.
2. It has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
3. It can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
4. The battery , radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
5. The floor is cunningly designed to double as an ashtray.
6. It does not need to be kept under shelter at night.
7. It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
8. It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
9. The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
11. It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
12. It is the only type of car able to leave the road in game reserves and chase after animals in the bush for a closer look.
13. It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday." - Senator John Glenn
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Fear
Our three-year-old daughter, Jenna, was having trouble sleeping through the night, waking up because she was afraid. Each time as I re-tucked her into bed, I would remind her that Jesus was with her and he would keep her safe.
The sleepless nights continued, with Abby seeking comfort in our bedroom. Finally, one night, I asked her if she had prayed for Jesus to take her fear away and help her fall asleep.
"Oh, yes," she assured me. "He told me to come and get you."
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