hUMOR For March 10th

Thanks to La McD -- Points to Ponder. Think about this
one.

What if God decided to stop leading us tomorrow
because we didn't follow Him today?

What if God couldn't take the time to bless us today
because we couldn't take the time to thank Him
yesterday?

What if we never saw another flower bloom because we
grumbled when God sent the Rain?

What if God didn't walk with us today because we
failed to recognize it as His day?

What if, God took away the Bible tomorrow because we
would not read it today?

What if, God took away His message because we failed
to listen to the messenger.

THINK ABOUT THIS ONE.........

What if, God didn't send His only begotten Son because
He wanted us to be prepared to pay the price for sin?

What if, the door of the church was closed because we
did not open the door of our heart?

What if, God stopped loving and caring for us because
we failed to love and care for others?

What if, God would not hear us today because we would
not listen to Him?

What if, God answered our prayers the way we answer
His call to service?

What if, God met our needs the way we give Him our
lives???

******************************************************

Thanks to Whit Sasser via EXHORTATIONS AND STUFF --
Children Live What They Learn

If a child lives with criticism, He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be
patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns
confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have
faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like
himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, He
learns to find love in the world.

~Dorothy Law Nolte
********************************
Tired Minister

A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman
approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was
not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs
and wait until she goes away."

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a
sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife,
"Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she
couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both
staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over
an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure
you'll be glad to greet her."
********************************
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan
Cabbie: "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
********************************
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan
Cabbie: "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
********************************
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic
responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so
the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "You should have smacked him
twice! He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place."
********************************
Subject: Aggie

The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were
attending
their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some
parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University
of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young
lady
from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about
the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.

hUMOR For March 10th

Thanks to La McD -- Points to Ponder. Think about this
one.

What if God decided to stop leading us tomorrow
because we didn't follow Him today?

What if God couldn't take the time to bless us today
because we couldn't take the time to thank Him
yesterday?

What if we never saw another flower bloom because we
grumbled when God sent the Rain?

What if God didn't walk with us today because we
failed to recognize it as His day?

What if, God took away the Bible tomorrow because we
would not read it today?

What if, God took away His message because we failed
to listen to the messenger.

THINK ABOUT THIS ONE.........

What if, God didn't send His only begotten Son because
He wanted us to be prepared to pay the price for sin?

What if, the door of the church was closed because we
did not open the door of our heart?

What if, God stopped loving and caring for us because
we failed to love and care for others?

What if, God would not hear us today because we would
not listen to Him?

What if, God answered our prayers the way we answer
His call to service?

What if, God met our needs the way we give Him our
lives???

******************************************************

Thanks to Whit Sasser via EXHORTATIONS AND STUFF --
Children Live What They Learn

If a child lives with criticism, He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be
patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns
confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have
faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like
himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, He
learns to find love in the world.

~Dorothy Law Nolte
********************************
Tired Minister

A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman
approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was
not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs
and wait until she goes away."

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a
sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife,
"Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she
couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both
staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking minister's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over
an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure
you'll be glad to greet her."
********************************
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan
Cabbie: "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
********************************
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan
Cabbie: "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
********************************
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic
responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so
the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "You should have smacked him
twice! He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place."
********************************
Subject: Aggie

The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were
attending
their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some
parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University
of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young
lady
from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about
the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.

hUMOR For March 9th

********************************
The Not-So-Dumb Blonde

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from
the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she's blonde ... it'll be
important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.

"Shh," I said, " I'm a light bulb -- I'm acting crazy to get a few days
off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday."

A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off, and come back when you
are less stressed."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started
following me and the boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.
********************************
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."
********************************
Common, Everyday Fibs
* The check is in the mail.
* I'll start my diet tomorrow.
* We service what we sell.
* Give me your number and the doctor will call you right back.
* Money cheerfully refunded.
* One size fits all.
* This offer limited to the first 100 people who call in.
* Your luggage isn't lost, it's only misplaced.
* Leave your resume and we'll keep it on file.
* This hurts me more than it hurts you.
* I just need five minutes of your time.
* Your table will be ready in a few minutes.
* Open wide, it won't hurt a bit.
* Let's have lunch sometime.
* It's not the money, it's the principle.
********************************
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said:
"'Is this a question?' - Discuss."

After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then
this is an answer."

The student received an "A" on the exam.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
(BTW, Saturday's Park Pun was written by Stan Kegel.)
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out.
He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.
He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: "Many hands make light work."
********************************
Like It Was 50 Years Ago ... Author UnknownA little house with two bedrooms and one car on the street,A mower that you had to push, to make the grass look neat.In the kitchen on the wall, we only had one phone,And no need for recording things; someone was always home.We only had a living room, where we could congregate,Unless it was at mealtime, in the kitchen where we ate.We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.We only had one TV set and channels; maybe two,But always there was one of them, with something worth the view.For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,And if you wanted flavor, you made Lipton's onion dip.Weekends were for family trips, or staying home to play,We all did things together, even go to church to pray.When we did our weekend trips, depending on the weather,No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.Sometimes we would separate, to do things on our own,But we knew where the others were, without our own cell phone.Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,And nothing can compare to watching, movies in your car.Then there were the picnics, at there peak of summer season,Pack a lunch and find some trees; and never need a reason.Get a baseball game together, with the friends you know,Have real action playing ball; and no game video.Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,And didn't need insurance, or a lawyer to defendThe way that he took care of you, or what he had to do,Because he took and oath, and strived to do the best for you.Remember going to the store; and shopping casually,And when you went to pay for it, you used your own money?Nothing that you had to swipe or, punch in some amount,Remember when the cashier person had to really count?Remember when we breathed the air, it smelled so fresh and clean,And chemicals were not used on the grass, to keep it green.The milkman and the bread man used to go from door to door,And it was just a few cents more than going to the store.There was a time when mailed letters, came right to your door,Without a lot of junk mail ads, sent out by every store.The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent,There was not loads of mail addressed to: 'Present Occupant.'There was a time when just one glance, was all that it would take,And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.They didn't look like turtles, trying to squeeze every mile,They were streamlined, white walls and fins; and really had some style.One time the music that you played, whenever you would jive,Was from a vinyl, big holed record called a forty-five.The record player had a post, to keep them all in line,And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.Oh, sure we had our problems then; just like we do today,And always we were striving; trying for a better way.And every year that passed us by brought new and greater things,We can now even program phones, with music or with rings.Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun,How can you explain a game; just kick the can and run.And why would boys put baseball cards, between bicycle spokes?And for a nickel, red machines had little bottled cokes.This life seemed so much easier; and slower in some ways,I love the new technology but I sure miss those days.So time moves on and so do we; and nothing stays the same,But I sure like to reminisce, and walk down memory lane.
********************************

hUMOR For March 8th

********************************
Thanks to memphisbelle -- Cat in heaven

A cat dies and goes to heaven.

God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a
good cat all these years. You can have anything you
desire, all you have to do is ask.'

Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm
and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'

'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow
appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the
gate with the same offer he made to the cat.

'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. Cats,
dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had
roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.'

God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each
mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller
skates.

A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on
its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How
are you doing? Are you happy here?'

'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and
yawning. 'And those meals on wheels you've been
sending over are great!"
********************************
Quantum Date

Every Friday after work, a mathematician goes down to the Ice Cream Parlor,
sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty,
and asks a girl, who isn't there, if he can buy her an ice cream cone.

The owner, who is used to the weird, local university types, always shrugs
but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician
makes a particularly heart wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets
the better of him, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but
surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool,
man. Why do you persist in talking to empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space
is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all
the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a
girl might suddenly appear there."

The owner raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you
just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER
a cone? You never know ... she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?"
********************************
On Monday a call came in to the School Receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.
"My uncle." said William.
********************************
On Monday a call came in to the School Receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.
"My uncle." said William.
********************************
Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, "So James, how's my favorite dog doing?"

James very tersely replies, "Your dog is dead."

"What?" says Phil. "You can't just tell someone their
favorite dog is dead without a warning; you have to ease
them into it."

"How?" asks James.

"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof. Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry.
The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that
you were about to get it down, when it jumped off of the
roof and broke its leg. Tell me the doctors say it will be
ok, but that it will have to stay at the vet's for a while.
Are you getting all of this???"

"Yes," says James.

"Good." says Phil. "Then the next day when I call back,
tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the
vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00
this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me.
Got it?"

"Yes."

"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil.

"Well..." James replies, "she's on the roof."
********************************
Thanks to La Mi for a bunch of good stuff!

YOU MIGHT BE IN THE WRONG CHURCH IF...

You have to pass through a metal detector to get
inside.

The scripture lesson is on "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and
His Ark of Many Colors."

The choir performs "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" - as
a polka!

They believe that an elected official attending the
worship service is a violation of the separation of
Church and state.

A week before Christmas the preacher announces the
church will be "closed for the holidays."

Everyone agrees the temperature in the auditorium is
absolutely perfect!

The song leader has you sing "Amazing Grace" in a
round (a la "row row row your boat").

The church picnic will be held at KFC this year.

The sign out front says "Church-Lite: Home of the
original ten minute Sermonette, and the 7.5 Percent
Tithe."

Every illustration the preacher uses somehow refers to
"those hilarious Budweiser frogs".

The missions budget just got cut in half, but the
finance ministry deacon just bought a "kickin'" new
Harley.

New "Purpose-Driven" mission statement includes vague
reference to jello-wrestling.

New head greeters: Mike Tyson and WWF President Vince
McMahon.

On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be
their preacher.

On the offering baskets is printed "Please make checks
payable directly to the preacher."

AT LEAST 6 MONTHS: I was at the drug store to pick
up my prescription. The line wasn't clearly formed,
and there was an old man with a cane nearby me. It
was unclear as to who was next. When we got to the
front of the line, the man gestured to me and said,
"After you." I smiled at him and said, "No, please,
after you. I have all day." Then he said, "No. You
go ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months."


Got Lawyer?

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. When he reaches
the pearly gates St. Peter tells him he is in the
wrong place and sends him straight to hell. A few
weeks later God calls Satan to see how things are
going. Satan tells him "Hey it's great down here since
you sent me the engineer. We've got air conditioning,
swimming pools, everything a person would ever want -
it's great!" God freaks out - "That was a mistake -
send him right back!" Satan laughs, "No way. We're
keeping him." God threatens, "I'll sue!" To which
Satan replies: "Yeah right. Where are YOU going to get
a lawyer??"

***************************

A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The
seller said, "This house hasn't got a flaw in it!"
The southern belle replied, "My lands! What do y'all
walk on?"

*********************

I was in a bank when a man entered with a rather large
dog on a leash. When he asked if it was okay to bring
his pet into the building, a bank official answered,
"Yes, provided he doesn't make a deposit."

****************************

WORDS FROM ABOVE

A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a
sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Well, God tells me."

"Oh... then why do you keep crossing things out?"

NO EXCUSE SUNDAY

To make it possible for everyone to attend church this
Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse
Sunday":

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,
"Sunday is my only day to sleep in."

There will be a special section with lounge chairs for
those who feel that our pews are too hard.

Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes
from watching TV late Saturday night.

We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The
roof would cave in if I ever came to church."

Blankets will be furnished for those who think the
church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is
too hot.

Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those
who can't go to church and cook dinner, too.

We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for
those that feel the church is always asking for money.


One section will be devoted to trees and grass for
those who like to seek God in nature.

Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who
plan to be sick on Sunday.

The auditorium will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.

We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear
the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's
too loud!

hUMOR FOR MARCH 7TH

********************************
What is Marketing?
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.
********************************
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
********************************
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park for a picnic.
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother."Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion.""Go down the slide while sitting, only.""Only one child on a swing at a time."(There were a good twenty rules.)
The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play without Daddy standing by. So, I joined my wife at the picnic table.
Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they were coming down head first!
I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves.
"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule anymore!"
********************************
Major Oops!

Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country
cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on
the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he
made his approach down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here
without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting
certain disaster.

Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat
there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth got
into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!"

And with that, he opened the door and stepped out ... right into the water.
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
********************************
Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets see you put them back together again."
********************************
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire
when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The
bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the
area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen.Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with
me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
********************************
Cooking Skills?

Not realizing our mother had left some leftover turkey in our oven's
broiler, my sister, 19, turned the oven on to bake cookies. Once the oven
was hot, she put in the cookies and came back to check on them ten minutes
later. When she pulled open the oven door, flames shot out and my sister
shouted, "Mom! Fire!" as she closed the door.

Immediately our mother called the fire department and rushed all of us out
of the house. The firefighters were over in a flash and they quickly hosed
the oven down with some foam, then helped us clear the house of smoke. As
one of the young firemen was leaving, he turned to my mother and said,
"Your daughter is cute. I would ask her out, but I only date women who can
cook."

hUMOR For March 3rd

********************************
Thanks to La Mi -- THE PERFECT Preacher

7 A recent survey compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect preacher:

7 Preaches exactly 12 minutes.

7 Frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.

7 Works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.

7 Makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.

7 28 years of age and has been preaching for 30 years.

7 Wonderfully gentle and good-looking.

7 A burning desire to work with teenagers, but is always with the senior citizens.

7 Makes 15 daily calls to church families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, evangelizes the unchurched, and is always in the office when needed.
********************************
Question: Define The Following Terms

Antibody: Against everyone.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria.
Benign: What you've been after eight.
Cardiology: Advance study of poker playing.
Cat Scan: Searching for lost kitty.
Chronic: Neck of a crow.
Coma: Punctuation mark.
Cyst: Short of sister.
Diagnosis: Person with slanted nose.
Dislocation: In this place.
Duodenum: Couple in jeans.
Enema: Not a friend.
False Labor: Pretending to work.
Gallbladder: Bladder in a girl.
Hernia: She is close by.
Labor Pain: Hurt at work.
Lactose: Person without digits on feet.
Lymph: Walk unsteadily.
Menopause: I no wait.
Microbes: Small dressing gowns.
Obesity: City of Obe.
Pacemaker: Winner of Nobel Peace Prize.
Protein: In favor of teens.
Pus: Small cat.
Red Blood Count: Dracula.
Rupture: Ecstasy.
Secretion: Hiding anything.
Serum: A sailor's drink.
Subcutaneous: Not cute enough.
Tablet: Small table.

hUMOR For March 2nd

********************************
Medical Research

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses the day after the ad came out. All from the same person.
********************************
Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."
********************************
There was a man who was stranded on a desert island for many, many years. One day, while strolling along the beach, he spotted a ship in the distance. This had never happened in all the time he was on the island, so he was very excited about the chance of being rescued.

Immediately, he built a fire on the beach and generated as much smoke as possible. It worked! Soon, the ship was heading his way. When the ship was close enough to the island, a dinghy was dispatched to investigate the situation. The man on the island was overjoyed with the chance to be rescued and met his saviors as they landed.

After some preliminary conversation the man in charge asked the man on the island how he had survived for so many years.


The man replied by telling of his exploits for food and how he was able to make a fine house to live in. In fact, the man said, "You can see my home from here. It's up there on the ridge."

He pointed the men in the direction of his home. They looked up and saw three buildings. They inquired about the building next to the man's house and he replied, "That's my church - I go there to worship on Sundays."

When asked about the third building, the man replied, "That's where I used to go to church."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A man is struck in the head by a rock during a heated demonstration. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"Oh, I do okay." he replied. "Some part time work here & there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A man is struck in the head by a rock during a heated demonstration. A woman rushes over, kneels down and places his head in her lap.
"Are you comfortable?" she asks.
"Oh, I do okay." he replied. "Some part time work here & there and I have a pretty good stock portfolio."
********************************
Traffic Violation

A traffic cop stopped the woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face,"

"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."

hUMOR For March 1st

********************************
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
********************************
B rain C ramps Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --George Bush"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --George W. Bush "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ....Feeling smarter yet? Send this on to your other brilliant friends, like I am doing!!!

hUMOR For February 28th

********************************
Seeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"
"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls."I'm just reading about her."
I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?
********************************
Doug was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently, after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting!"

hUMOR For February 27th

********************************
Grants

I work in a school department that is supported by educational grants. On his first day, my new boss delivered some bad news. He said, "Unfortunately your last boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?"
Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked.

Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new boss came to me. He said, "Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months."

I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, those lesson plans were covered in the grant.
Didn't you know that?"
********************************
While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.
"I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked.
"Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the cat."

hUMOR For February 26th

********************************
Vet Appointment

In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?"
********************************
Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer."Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
********************************
A father and son went fishing one day. As they sat in the boat for a couple of hours, they did not have much to do. The son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious. So, he asked his father some questions.

"How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later, the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

His father immediately assured him, "Of course not, son.
If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
********************************
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment."People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

hUMOR For February 25th

********************************
CleanPun.
The best way to watch a demolition derby?
Through a kaleidoscope.
********************************
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains.

We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we new what was wrong.

When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"
********************************
Illustration.
My 9yr. old niece says her prayers every night and instead of Amen she says: "Hit ENTER"
********************************
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store that catered to the rich of the rich in Boca Raton. She was seeking a qualified person to fill the recently vacant position of salesperson. Sarah, an outspoken older woman, comes in to interview for the position. Becky looks at Sarah's resume and notices that Sarah has never worked in jewelry before.
"If you don't mind my saying so, for someone who has never worked in jewelry you certainly are asking a pretty high salary. That's chutzpah, wouldn't you say?!?" asks Becky.
Sarah thinks for a moment. "Well, I suppose I am," replies Sarah, "but you must understand, the work is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing."
********************************
Lost In Thought

Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.

When I asked her how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She'd used an emergency phone to call for help.

Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"

"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue.
********************************
Warm Up WitLittle Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Lucy?" "My goldfish died," replied Lucy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"Lucy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"
********************************
What did you say?

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down
to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His
wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and
says, "Where's my toast?"
............

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
............

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you
went
out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I
give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7
p. m., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit and he brought me such
beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs and what's there but a
luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out
for
dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was -- lobster, champagne, dessert,
and after-dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So
then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL.
Completely

crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two
times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

...........

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

............

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

............

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young
woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.
Be
careful.'"

............

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he
ordered a
banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

hUMOR For February 24th

********************************
Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.
"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.
"Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55-gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."
********************************
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer. Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.

All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.

"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."

Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty.
No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?

Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.

"Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"

"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
********************************
While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oilrig, the helicopter lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in the lake.
Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest, and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot yelled. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to FLY too!"

hUMOR For February 23rd

********************************
*Tips From Cowboys, Everyday Wisdom*
~ Never squat with your spurs on!
~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman....Neither one works.
~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
~ Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
********************************
A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"
********************************
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada. Both liked to hunt.
They were hunting for deer, when all of a sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scotsman was shaken.
"Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"
"That was a moose", the Canadian replied. "What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good grief, I'd hate to see yer rats!"
********************************
One day a goober went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
********************************
Bragging

One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

hUMOR For February 22nd

********************************
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
********************************
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away.
When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic. I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
********************************
The Diary

Linda: "What's that you're reading?"

Jill: "A diary."

Linda: What's in it?

Jill: "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and
confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret
yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared lightly with other
people. And besides, this diary belongs to Margaret."
********************************
A Texan is in a bar with his dog, watching the Oklahoma vs. Texas game. The longhorns surprisingly score a field goal and the dog barks repeatedly. The bartender looks at the dog in awe.
After a long while the longhorns score a touchdown and the dog does flips and dances across the bar.Then, the bartender looks at the guy and says, "Man that's amazing. What does your dog do when Texas beats Oklahoma?"The guy replied, "I don't know, I've only had him 5 years."

Bill

hUMOR For February 21st

********************************
As my husband, the county highway commissioner, was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful leg, he decided to use the valet parking service so he wouldn't have to walk far. Staring at his official-looking vehicle, one of the valets asked my husband if he was driving a government car.
"Why, yes," my husband replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked police car."
"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat."
********************************
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt!"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

hUMOR For February 20th

********************************
Laws of Parenting

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

hUMOR For February 19th

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Special Message

"Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here."

"Read it to me," the captain ordered.

The sailor read, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy."

The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"
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*Workers vs. The Light Bulb*
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Management Information Services guys does it take to change a light bulb?A: MIS (IT) has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 359712. Please use this number for any future references to the light-bulb issue.
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Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the
back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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Two men are talking. One says to the other, "I shouldn't have told my fianc饠about my rich uncle."
He friend asks, "Why not?"
The first man replies, "Because now she's my aunt."

hUMOR For February 18th

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SHAVED
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the onlychurch in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double upas the local barber to make ends meet. There happened to be a man in this small community who had investedwisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed oneday to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he wasabout shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shavemyself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." Sohe did. He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was outcalling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shavesanyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive andthat he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paidGrace and went on his way. The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as theday before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25shave. The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow!he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily tokeep his clean-shaven business look. Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute afterGrace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to thebarber shop to ask some questions. This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his facewas as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven. The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Graceand once shaved, always shaved."
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It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
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The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it.... his three cats in the bathtub.

The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled.

The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony."

But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face.

Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said, "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered.
"What party does your husband belong to?" he asked.
The lady responded curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to."
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"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
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Meeting of the Board"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst! He was a visitor who had never attended their church before."My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?""Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

hUMOR For February 17th

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John: Did you hear about the tire that had a nervous breakdown?
Larry: No! Tell me about it.
John: It just couldn't take any more pressure.

John: Did you hear about the blonde farmer who ran a steamroller over his field of potatoes?
Larry: No! Why would he do that?
John: He wanted to make mashed potatoes.

--- GCFL ---

John: What did the judge say when a skunk wandered into the courtroom?
Larry: I give up, what?
John: He banged his gavel and said, "Odor in the courtroom!"

--- GCFL ---

"I give up!" the little boy said while kneeling in prayer beside his bed. "Art doesn't listen to me at all."
"Art? Art who?" asked his bewildered mom.
"Art in Heaven," said the boy.
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Thanksgiving Poem

I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.

I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!

I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
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Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
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Mealtime Blessing

My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes, usually repeating the same short prayer: "Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen."

One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds, the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over his family and help them to be good. I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart.

But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped, then dropped his spoon into the bowl. "I should have said a longer prayer," he said. "My food is still too hot."