********************************
Mortality
I began thinking about my own mortality after I became a widow. One day my
daughter called home from college, and I announced to her, "I think it's
time for us to talk about where I would like to be buried."
"It's way too soon to even think of anything like that," she snapped
indignantly. Then there was a brief silence.
"Wait a minute, did you say married or buried?"
When I repeated buried, she said, "Oh, okay, sure."
********************************
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.
Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]
********************************
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?" asked the kid.
"Right after the National Anthem."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
********************************
Bank Robber
Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the
third time by the same bandit: "Did you notice anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"
********************************
Andy Says... Just Think About This!
** The present was an egg laid by the past that had the future inside its shell. - Zora Neale Hurston
** All things are connected. We did not weave the web of life; we are but a strand it in. Whatever befalls the earth befalls the people of the earth. -- Chief Seattle
** There are things known, and there are things unknown. And in between are the doors. -- Jim Morrison
** We are drowning in information and starving for knowledge. -- Rutherford D. Roger
** The worst use that can be made of success is to boast of it. - Arthur Helps (1813 - 1875), Writer
** The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together. - Robert C. Dodds, Writer
** You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. - Colette (1873 - 1954), Writer
** A truly great person is the one who gives you a chance. - Paul Duffy, Writer
** Backbone beats wishbone every time.
** Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, U.S.
Ambassador to the U.N.
******************************************************
Pumpkin clarified
A woman was asked by a co-worker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"
The co-worker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin.
God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then he cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."
******************************************************
2004 Election Voter Guide
Depending on the way you lean, the following information could have bearing on decisions you make November 2004.
Issues of Importance?
Gay Marriage
President Bush is opposed
John Kerry favors
Partial-Birth Abortion
President Bush is opposed
John Kerry favors
Restoring voluntary prayer in the public schools President Bush Favors John Kerry is Opposed
Assault on Mel Gibson for making film about Christ President Bush supports Gibson John Kerry participated in Left's assault on Gibson, suggesting possible anti-Semitism even though Kerry had not seen the film.
Assault on boy Scouts for belief in God and not allowing Homosexual Scout Leaders President Bush supports Boy Scouts' stand John Kerry opposes boy Scouts' stand
Asking for God's blessing on America
President Bush often asks God to bless America in his speeches John Kerry attacks Bush for mentioning God so often
Judges
President bush says "We need common-sense judges who believe our rights are derived from God."
John Kerry insists on judges who support the ACLU's radical anti-Christian, anti-God, anti-family agenda.
John Kerry is insistent on blocking President Bush's federal judge appointments.
Overall Record
President Bush does not vote on issues before Congress but, based on his publicly stated positions, would receive an 85% conservative rating from the American Conservative Union if he did.
John Kerry, according to the highly respected, politically-neutral National Journal rates Kerry the most liberal U. S. Senator in 2003 -- more liberal than Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Thursday, October 07, 2004
hUMOR For October 7th
********************************
Insurance Claim
(This is an oldie but a goodie)
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his
entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his
first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the
insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason:
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued
... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was
obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to
the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART....
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
in jail and a $24,000.00 fine
********************************
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
One day her friend stopped her and -- noticing her well long, groomed nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
********************************
A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election.
"More on candidates at 10 p.m.," he said.
My ten-year-old granddaughter Ashley looked at me in disbelief.
"I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!"
********************************
My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.
At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.
The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"
"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"
Insurance Claim
(This is an oldie but a goodie)
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his
entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his
first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the
insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small
fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason:
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued
... and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was
obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to
the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART....
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
in jail and a $24,000.00 fine
********************************
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
One day her friend stopped her and -- noticing her well long, groomed nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
********************************
A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election.
"More on candidates at 10 p.m.," he said.
My ten-year-old granddaughter Ashley looked at me in disbelief.
"I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!"
********************************
My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.
At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.
The last call came in at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"
"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
hUMOR For October 6th
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
********************************
A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."
The dean replied, " He can hang out with the faculty."
********************************
My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved.
On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door.
Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say, "If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet."
********************************
Real Blonde Jokes!
Q. What does a blonde owl say?
A. "What? What?"
Q. What do you call a blonde at college?
A. A visitor.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q. Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A. Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q. Why can't blondes become elevator operators?
A. Too difficult to learn the route.
Q. Why do blondes have more fun?
A. Because they don't know any better.
Q. What's the best thing a blonde can make for dinner?
A. Reservations.
Q. Why did the blonde cross the road?
A. I don't know. Neither did she.
******************************************************
Bush and Bin Laden's Dog Fight
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle their whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.
After 5 years, they had produced the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the huge, vicious Afghanistani dog.
When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund -- but, when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief.
"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a dachshund."
******************************************************
Dogs and Cats
FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Here is today's CleanPun.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
********************************
A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."
The dean replied, " He can hang out with the faculty."
********************************
My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple, and the problem was quickly resolved.
On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door.
Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say, "If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet."
********************************
Real Blonde Jokes!
Q. What does a blonde owl say?
A. "What? What?"
Q. What do you call a blonde at college?
A. A visitor.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q. Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A. Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q. Why can't blondes become elevator operators?
A. Too difficult to learn the route.
Q. Why do blondes have more fun?
A. Because they don't know any better.
Q. What's the best thing a blonde can make for dinner?
A. Reservations.
Q. Why did the blonde cross the road?
A. I don't know. Neither did she.
******************************************************
Bush and Bin Laden's Dog Fight
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle their whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.
After 5 years, they had produced the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the huge, vicious Afghanistani dog.
When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund -- but, when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief.
"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a dachshund."
******************************************************
Dogs and Cats
FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
hUMOR For October 5th
********************************
My Town Is So Tough It Has...
Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register
Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales
Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb
Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand
Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer
Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys
Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw
A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list
"Honor students" who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor"
Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man
Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects
********************************
Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee.
Bill slices his tee shot way right, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle.
"Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there."
"No way," says Bob, his competitive playing partner. "We play the ball as it lies."
And so Bill did.
After deliverying his opponent to the middle of the fairway, Bill reluctantly returned to his hard-pan lie on top of the concrete path.
After Bob knocks a second straight shot that lands safely on the green, he can't resist smiling. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings.
Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin.
As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot.... what club did you use?"
"Your 6 iron," says Bill.
********************************
Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore. He cheats."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had it in my pocket!"
********************************
Churchill Downs
Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel
outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for
directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband
from the back room.
"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded.
He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the
university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder
to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the
counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the
university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the
twin spires. You can't miss 'em!"
********************************
"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" a citizen of Chelm asked the rabbi. "What a silly question!" snapped the cleric. "The moon, of course! It shines at night when we really need it. But who needs the sun to shine when it is already broad daylight?"
******************************************************
Father-Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed.
Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking her how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA . She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work!
Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
******************************************************
HAIR CUTS
The Difference Between Men and Women
Women's Version
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.
I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?
If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's Version
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
******************************************************
MAKING BABIES
A Mommy just told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is, now, silent for a while.
"You understand it, now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with human babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
THE STORK
When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment, by her teacher, to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.
I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me, at the dining room table, one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?"
I responded quite nervously, because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."
"Where did Mom come from then?"
"The stork brought her, too."
"OK, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, dear."
"Okay, thanks, Grandma."
I did not think anything more about it until two days later, when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
WHERE DID I COME FROM?
One day, our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"
My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb, and, finally, how a child was born.
As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider.
When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me.
He said that he came from Pennsylvania."
Learning to MAKE BABIES
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies, today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, said fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y'
to 'i' and add 'es'."
DAD
My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."
The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad. But, I have light hair."
Then, she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"
Her older sister jumped right in, "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."
My Town Is So Tough It Has...
Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register
Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales
Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb
Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand
Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer
Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys
Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw
A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list
"Honor students" who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor"
Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man
Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects
********************************
Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee.
Bill slices his tee shot way right, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle.
"Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there."
"No way," says Bob, his competitive playing partner. "We play the ball as it lies."
And so Bill did.
After deliverying his opponent to the middle of the fairway, Bill reluctantly returned to his hard-pan lie on top of the concrete path.
After Bob knocks a second straight shot that lands safely on the green, he can't resist smiling. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings.
Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin.
As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot.... what club did you use?"
"Your 6 iron," says Bill.
********************************
Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore. He cheats."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had it in my pocket!"
********************************
Churchill Downs
Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel
outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for
directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband
from the back room.
"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded.
He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the
university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder
to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the
counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the
university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the
twin spires. You can't miss 'em!"
********************************
"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" a citizen of Chelm asked the rabbi. "What a silly question!" snapped the cleric. "The moon, of course! It shines at night when we really need it. But who needs the sun to shine when it is already broad daylight?"
******************************************************
Father-Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed.
Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.
He responded by asking her how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA . She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work!
Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
******************************************************
HAIR CUTS
The Difference Between Men and Women
Women's Version
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.
I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?
If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's Version
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
******************************************************
MAKING BABIES
A Mommy just told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is, now, silent for a while.
"You understand it, now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with human babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
THE STORK
When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment, by her teacher, to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.
I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me, at the dining room table, one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?"
I responded quite nervously, because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."
"Where did Mom come from then?"
"The stork brought her, too."
"OK, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, dear."
"Okay, thanks, Grandma."
I did not think anything more about it until two days later, when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
WHERE DID I COME FROM?
One day, our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, "Mom, where did I come from?"
My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb, and, finally, how a child was born.
As my sister in law gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider and wider.
When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me.
He said that he came from Pennsylvania."
Learning to MAKE BABIES
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies, today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, said fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y'
to 'i' and add 'es'."
DAD
My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."
The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad. But, I have light hair."
Then, she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"
Her older sister jumped right in, "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."
Monday, October 04, 2004
hUMOR For October 4th
********************************
*Ten Reasons When Me Should Join The Choir*
10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendonitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.
9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.
8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?"
7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.
6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks.
5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronic equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.
4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging.
3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us and staying on pitch, guys.
2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)
1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."
********************************
You Don't Have To, Mom Said
Pat hasn't been on the best of terms with his neighbor recently. So whenever Pat's two rambunctious children knock the ball over the fence into the neighbor's yard, it's not returned.
Last summer, Pat purchased a trampoline. When the neighbor saw Pat's children playing on the new trampoline, he remarked, 'Now they'll probably be bouncing into my yard, too.'
'That's all right,' Pat responded. 'You don't have to throw them back, either.'
******************************************************
Thanks to TC: Another one from my brother DC TC
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Priceless Grandparent Stories
1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"! I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her! hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was
the 20,000 leaks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did,
Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes
are coming after us with flashlights."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I
teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," headvised. "Mine
says I'm four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. A second grader came home from school and said to
her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make
babies today." The mother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make
babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change"y"
to "i" and add 'es'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public
servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The
fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher
took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know
what pregnant means?" she asked "Sure," said the young
boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what
was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got
to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these
army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best
part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw
pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was
puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people
on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was
meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy.
"I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Susie said.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They
use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrant."
ENJOY YOUR DAY - Hope this started it off with a
smile!
*Ten Reasons When Me Should Join The Choir*
10. Rehearsals are every Wednesday night. Which means that for those few hours, you will significantly reduce your risk of contracting tendonitis from nonstop operation of a television remote control or computer mouse.
9. Because you wear a choir robe every Sunday, you are liberated from a task many men find quite challenging: finding clothes that match properly.
8. From your special vantage point every Sunday, in which you look out at the entire congregation from the choir seats, you will develop interesting new hobbies. Among these is a little guessing game called "Who's Praying, Who's Sleeping?"
7. On the other hand, sitting in full view of 400-500 people on a weekly basis makes it much less likely that you yourself will give in to a chronic lack of sleep. Although it has been known to happen.
6. If you think your singing in the shower sounds good now, just wait till you've been singing with us for a few weeks.
5. Singing in a choir is one of the few activities for men that does not require electronic equipment or expensive power tools. This could be good for the family budget.
4. For the fitness buffs, singing in the Choir is not only heart healthy, it's soul healthy. But there are no monthly membership fees, and it's a lot easier on the knees than jogging.
3. If you think you've done everything there is to do, and there are no great challenges left in life, try singing with us and staying on pitch, guys.
2. Choir rehearsal lasts half as long as a professional football game, but is at least twice as satisfying. (Don't worry, though, the rehearsals are on Wednesday, not Monday Nights.)
1. When people ask you whether you've been behaving yourself, you can say with the utmost sincerity, "Hey, I'm a Choir Boy."
********************************
You Don't Have To, Mom Said
Pat hasn't been on the best of terms with his neighbor recently. So whenever Pat's two rambunctious children knock the ball over the fence into the neighbor's yard, it's not returned.
Last summer, Pat purchased a trampoline. When the neighbor saw Pat's children playing on the new trampoline, he remarked, 'Now they'll probably be bouncing into my yard, too.'
'That's all right,' Pat responded. 'You don't have to throw them back, either.'
******************************************************
Thanks to TC: Another one from my brother DC TC
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Priceless Grandparent Stories
1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"! I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her! hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was
the 20,000 leaks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to
keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did,
Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes
are coming after us with flashlights."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I
teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," headvised. "Mine
says I'm four."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. A second grader came home from school and said to
her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make
babies today." The mother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make
babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change"y"
to "i" and add 'es'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public
servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The
fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher
took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know
what pregnant means?" she asked "Sure," said the young
boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson
one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what
was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got
to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these
army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best
part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw
pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was
puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people
on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was
meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy.
"I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus,"
Ms. Susie said.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep
crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They
use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrant."
ENJOY YOUR DAY - Hope this started it off with a
smile!
Sunday, October 03, 2004
hUMOR For October 3rd
********************************
Spanking
Once there was a little boy who never got into trouble. But one day, he broke a window, so his dad said, "Go upstairs and think about what you've done and I'll be up to give a spanking."
So this little boy is sitting upstairs, scared because he's never gotten a spanking and doesn't know what it's like.
About 20 minutes later, his dad comes up, spanks him, then goes back downstairs.
The little boy is just sitting there, crying. Suddenly he stops, pulls his pants down, and backs up to the mirror. He gasps in shock, then pulls his pants back up. He runs downstairs to his dad and says, "Are you satisfied now, daddy? You cracked it!"
******************************************************
Hated Potatoes
A kindergarten teacher decides to let her class play a game. The teacher tells each child, in the class, to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes.
Each potato is to be given a name of a person that the child hates. So, the number of potatoes (that a child will put in his/her plastic bag) will depend on the number of people he/she hates.
So, when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated.
Some had 2 potatoes, some 3, while some had up to 5 potatoes.
The teacher, then, told the children to carry the potatoes in the plastic bag with them, wherever they go (even to the toilet); for 1 week. Day, after day, passed by and the children started to complain; due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes.
Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended. The teacher asked, "How did you feel while carrying the
potatoes with you for one week?" The children let
out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through, having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.
Then, the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game. The teacher said, "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody, inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go.
If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes, for just one week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???"
Moral of the Story:
Throw away any hatred, for anyone, so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take! Love others even if you don't like them.
******************************************************
Even if you're not a grandparent you
will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils
how they spent their spring vacation.
One child wrote the following: We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
********************************
My husband and I had bought some gadgets for our almost teen-age grandsons and were leaving the store when we realized we didn't have batteries. He stepped over to a counter to get the batteries but couldn't attract the attention of the clerk.
I waited for a little while then said, "I'll get a clerk over here real fast." With that, I pulled out my pocket tape measure and started measuring a large TV set.
Amazingly, a clerk leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side in jig time. To his "May I help you?" I said, "Of course. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
********************************
IDLE THOUGHTS OF A RETIRED PERSON...(WHOSE MIND WANDERS)
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
Hmmmm?
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
******************************************************
WEATHER ALERT
+ The National Weather Service has issued a warning
for yet another catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Ivan and Jeanne.
+ The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is
therefore highly unpredictable.
+ Experts predict that this one will cause the most
damage to the United States that we have experienced in four years.
+ They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry. Be
advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is by hiding behind a Bush
******************************************************
I may have sent this before, if so, it wouldn't be the first time I sent something twice... :)
A Slip Of The Tongue
Well, it happened again. I have had a few slips of the tongue through the years, but each time I have resolved to _never let that happen again_ _ no matter how much the audience seemed to enjoy it; and they do seem to enjoy such things. This past Sunday morning I was preaching along and, despite physical pain and medication side effects, I was, I believed, doing all right.
The trouble came when I was discussing the Christian armor. I read the appropriate passage and proceeded to emphasize the value and merit of each piece of armor listed. I talked about the breastplate of righteousness, the loins girt about, the feet shod, the helmet, the shield and the sword. Then, to emphasize each piece of armor, I asked the audience how they would feel going into battle without them. I said, _Would you like to go into battle, where the enemy was shooting arrows and darts and throwing stones, with no protection for your mid-section? How about your lower legs and feet? Would you like to go unprotected there? Would you like to go into battle with nothing to cover your head? And (here is where the trouble came) would you like to go into battle with your breasts exposed?_
I didn_t realize what I had said until Amanda (with entirely too much joy) pointed it out when we got home. Just for the record, the correct way to have said it would be: would you like to go into battle with your chest unguarded. Oh well_ live and learn.
Tim
******************************************************
It is indeed amazing that ...
... the temperature during worship will be too hot/too cold.
... that the sermon will be too long/too short.
... that the songs will be too fast/too slow.
... that the sermon will be too deep/too shallow.
... the preacher will be too friendly/too unfriendly.
... the audience will be too loud/too quiet.
... the pews will be too too hard/too soft.
... the announcements will be too short/too long.
... the sermon will be too loud/too quiet.
... the preacher will be too serious/not serious enough.
... the people serving at the table will be too underdressed/too overdressed.
... the sermon will be unjustly addressing my faults/unjustly failing to address my needs.
... the worship will start too late/too early.
Isn't it amazing.
Spanking
Once there was a little boy who never got into trouble. But one day, he broke a window, so his dad said, "Go upstairs and think about what you've done and I'll be up to give a spanking."
So this little boy is sitting upstairs, scared because he's never gotten a spanking and doesn't know what it's like.
About 20 minutes later, his dad comes up, spanks him, then goes back downstairs.
The little boy is just sitting there, crying. Suddenly he stops, pulls his pants down, and backs up to the mirror. He gasps in shock, then pulls his pants back up. He runs downstairs to his dad and says, "Are you satisfied now, daddy? You cracked it!"
******************************************************
Hated Potatoes
A kindergarten teacher decides to let her class play a game. The teacher tells each child, in the class, to bring along a plastic bag containing a few potatoes.
Each potato is to be given a name of a person that the child hates. So, the number of potatoes (that a child will put in his/her plastic bag) will depend on the number of people he/she hates.
So, when the day came, every child brought some potatoes with the name of the people he/she hated.
Some had 2 potatoes, some 3, while some had up to 5 potatoes.
The teacher, then, told the children to carry the potatoes in the plastic bag with them, wherever they go (even to the toilet); for 1 week. Day, after day, passed by and the children started to complain; due to the unpleasant smell let out by the rotten potatoes.
Besides, those having 5 potatoes also had to carry heavier bags. After 1 week, the children were relieved because the game had finally ended. The teacher asked, "How did you feel while carrying the
potatoes with you for one week?" The children let
out their frustrations and started complaining of the trouble that they had to go through, having to carry the heavy and smelly potatoes wherever they go.
Then, the teacher told them the hidden meaning behind the game. The teacher said, "This is exactly the situation when you carry your hatred for somebody, inside your heart. The stench of hatred will contaminate your heart and you will carry it with you wherever you go.
If you cannot tolerate the smell of rotten potatoes, for just one week, can you imagine what is it like to have the stench of hatred in your heart for your lifetime???"
Moral of the Story:
Throw away any hatred, for anyone, so that you will not carry sins for a lifetime. Forgiving others is the best attitude to take! Love others even if you don't like them.
******************************************************
Even if you're not a grandparent you
will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils
how they spent their spring vacation.
One child wrote the following: We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
********************************
My husband and I had bought some gadgets for our almost teen-age grandsons and were leaving the store when we realized we didn't have batteries. He stepped over to a counter to get the batteries but couldn't attract the attention of the clerk.
I waited for a little while then said, "I'll get a clerk over here real fast." With that, I pulled out my pocket tape measure and started measuring a large TV set.
Amazingly, a clerk leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side in jig time. To his "May I help you?" I said, "Of course. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
********************************
IDLE THOUGHTS OF A RETIRED PERSON...(WHOSE MIND WANDERS)
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
Hmmmm?
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
******************************************************
WEATHER ALERT
+ The National Weather Service has issued a warning
for yet another catastrophic hurricane following on the heels of Ivan and Jeanne.
+ The path of this hurricane zigs and zags, and is
therefore highly unpredictable.
+ Experts predict that this one will cause the most
damage to the United States that we have experienced in four years.
+ They are naming this one Hurricane Kerry. Be
advised, the only way for citizens to protect themselves is by hiding behind a Bush
******************************************************
I may have sent this before, if so, it wouldn't be the first time I sent something twice... :)
A Slip Of The Tongue
Well, it happened again. I have had a few slips of the tongue through the years, but each time I have resolved to _never let that happen again_ _ no matter how much the audience seemed to enjoy it; and they do seem to enjoy such things. This past Sunday morning I was preaching along and, despite physical pain and medication side effects, I was, I believed, doing all right.
The trouble came when I was discussing the Christian armor. I read the appropriate passage and proceeded to emphasize the value and merit of each piece of armor listed. I talked about the breastplate of righteousness, the loins girt about, the feet shod, the helmet, the shield and the sword. Then, to emphasize each piece of armor, I asked the audience how they would feel going into battle without them. I said, _Would you like to go into battle, where the enemy was shooting arrows and darts and throwing stones, with no protection for your mid-section? How about your lower legs and feet? Would you like to go unprotected there? Would you like to go into battle with nothing to cover your head? And (here is where the trouble came) would you like to go into battle with your breasts exposed?_
I didn_t realize what I had said until Amanda (with entirely too much joy) pointed it out when we got home. Just for the record, the correct way to have said it would be: would you like to go into battle with your chest unguarded. Oh well_ live and learn.
Tim
******************************************************
It is indeed amazing that ...
... the temperature during worship will be too hot/too cold.
... that the sermon will be too long/too short.
... that the songs will be too fast/too slow.
... that the sermon will be too deep/too shallow.
... the preacher will be too friendly/too unfriendly.
... the audience will be too loud/too quiet.
... the pews will be too too hard/too soft.
... the announcements will be too short/too long.
... the sermon will be too loud/too quiet.
... the preacher will be too serious/not serious enough.
... the people serving at the table will be too underdressed/too overdressed.
... the sermon will be unjustly addressing my faults/unjustly failing to address my needs.
... the worship will start too late/too early.
Isn't it amazing.
Saturday, October 02, 2004
hUMOR For October 2nd
********************************
Lexus
A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music,and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.
"JERKS!" she yelled.......
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the Dixie Chicks,Jane Fonda, John Kerry and Michael Moore.
******************************************************
Words... WISE WORDs
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
******************************************************
You might be a Floridian if:
You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan
Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time
You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color
You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"
Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in"
than "screened in"
Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it
You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months
You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster
You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means
You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood
You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw
Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted
You now own 5 large ice chests
Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"
You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations
You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street
You're depressed when they don't stop
You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer
You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags
You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20"
chainsaw
You know what "Bar chain oil" is
You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas
You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable
You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"
Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"
You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric
And finally, you might be a Floridian if:
You ask your relatives up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!
********************************
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the other monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"The word is celebrate" sobs the old monk.
********************************
Gov. Jeb Bush held a special news conference in Tallahassee today to inform the people of Florida of new state symbols. The changes take effect immediately and must be implemented by all official agencies. The changes are as follows: The Florida State Flag will now be a blue tarp............... The license plate symbol of two oranges will be replaced by a chain saw..... The new State song will be " Blowing in the Wind".................. (personally, I think the new State song should be "Rock me like a Hurricane"! - Annette)The state motto will now be..."Oh my God, Here comes another one"..... The new state beverage will be.............anything with an alcohol base. The new State tree will be ...............any that are left standing at the end of hurricane season. The new State Bird will be the "whipper"will............. The new State nickname will be "State of Disaster"................ However, keep in mind, that Disney w ill be the "last man standing" as they are up and running...............
********************************
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.
Lexus
A woman bought a new Lexus LS400, and returned the next day, complaining that she couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
The woman drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music,and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid them.
"JERKS!" she yelled.......
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by the Dixie Chicks,Jane Fonda, John Kerry and Michael Moore.
******************************************************
Words... WISE WORDs
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
******************************************************
You might be a Floridian if:
You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan
Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time
You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color
You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy"
Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in"
than "screened in"
Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it
You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months
You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster
You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means
You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood
You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw
Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted
You now own 5 large ice chests
Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"
You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations
You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street
You're depressed when they don't stop
You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer
You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags
You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20"
chainsaw
You know what "Bar chain oil" is
You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas
You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable
You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"
Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"
You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric
And finally, you might be a Floridian if:
You ask your relatives up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!
********************************
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the other monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"The word is celebrate" sobs the old monk.
********************************
Gov. Jeb Bush held a special news conference in Tallahassee today to inform the people of Florida of new state symbols. The changes take effect immediately and must be implemented by all official agencies. The changes are as follows: The Florida State Flag will now be a blue tarp............... The license plate symbol of two oranges will be replaced by a chain saw..... The new State song will be " Blowing in the Wind".................. (personally, I think the new State song should be "Rock me like a Hurricane"! - Annette)The state motto will now be..."Oh my God, Here comes another one"..... The new state beverage will be.............anything with an alcohol base. The new State tree will be ...............any that are left standing at the end of hurricane season. The new State Bird will be the "whipper"will............. The new State nickname will be "State of Disaster"................ However, keep in mind, that Disney w ill be the "last man standing" as they are up and running...............
********************************
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.
Friday, October 01, 2004
hUMOR For October 1
********************************
Interesting Speech -- Remarks by Senator Zell Miller at the 2004 Ronald Reagan Award Gala September 23,
2004
In New York City earlier this month I said I was proud to stand with George W. Bush.
I am also proud to stand here tonight with Malcolm Wallop, George Landrith, Jason Wright, and all of you who, like the man this award is named for, are committed to maintaining America's freedom and greatness.
Frontiers of Freedom is a voice that can be trusted and I am honored to accept this award.
No idea in the history of the world, has been more influential than the idea of freedom. It has been the definitive idea of our civilization and the central theme of our history.
And yet, far too many Americans take our freedom for granted; hardly give a thought to where it came from or what it really means.
And yet if you count up all the people who have lived in the history of the world, only one percent has lived in freedom.
But, while we rejoice in the freedom of that one per cent, it is the fate of those other 99 that we should also think about.
If 99 of 100 who have ever lived, did so in tyranny, it says not only is their this endless struggle between freedom and tyranny but also that freedom too often rarely wins.
The fate of the 99 speaks from the grave to say that mankind is almost totally deaf to this roar of history, that each generation tends to ignore its own struggle between freedom and tyranny. The 99 represents the fact that "most don't believe this struggle applies to them."
I think history's greatest lesson is that there is always an ongoing struggle between freedom and tyranny. Each generation must make a choice between the two. And not to make a choice is to make a choice.
The choice can often exact a terrible toll. But if freedom wins, it also often results in the most glorious of payoffs.
It was true as far back as 490 B.C. The citizen soldiers of ancient Athens, Greece, turned back on the plains of Marathon a Persian army three times as big and much better equipped.
And a man named Phidippides ran the 26 miles back to Athens with the news of the great victory.
Marathoners still run that distance, but a far greater significance of this battle was that free men defeated the hired soldiers and slaves of a tyrant.
And this victory led the way to Athenian democracy and all the good things that came with it -- individual rights, trial by jury, freedom of speech.
The glorious payoff also was true that April day in 1775, when the local militia of the American colonists stood up to the British Redcoats at Lexington and Concord and fired that shot heard 'round the world.
Two weeks later, George Washington took command of the Continental Army against the tyranny of George III.
The payoff was gloriously true in 1863 when Abraham Lincoln made his famous address at that Gettysburg ceremony where 7,000 men had died and their bodies lay rotting for months after the battle.
President Lincoln's few words explained better than anyone else ever has what the Civil War was all about.
"A Test," Lincoln called it, "a test of whether a new nation conceived in liberty," -- conceived in liberty
- "can long endure."
It was true in 1917, when within just a few months a million Americans volunteered to fight the Germans in World War I and turned the tide from possible defeat into an allied victory on the Western front.
My father was among them. He died when I was two weeks old. I never knew him, but I can remember wearing his coat with those sergeant stripes on it when I was so young; it dragged on the floor, and my arms did not extend more than halfway down its sleeves.
The glorious payoff was true that late spring of 1940, because of one single strong voice, the magnificent and eloquent voice of Winston Churchill who would not let up in his opposition to Adolf Hitler, as evil a man as ever lived.
******************************** New Sign
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that
sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts.
As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting
a sign.
"Why the new sign?" I asked.
"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared,
"Local Honey, Dates, Nuts."
********************************
CleanPun.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"Hebrews"
********************************
"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like
18 percent that say 'I don't know'? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote--and they're voting 'I don't know.'"
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking
proud.)
"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."
-- Andy Rooney
********************************
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents :
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California & then take the train to Hawaii ?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa."
Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He Replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
He said, "But they look so close on the Map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of Time zones.
Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who ?"
I said, "No,why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection ?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on ?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
10. A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."
I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double-checked and sure enough, his stay needs a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations.
"I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
********************************
Yield for Pedestrians?
Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the
ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD
Close, but not close enough. I drove through the following week and found
it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it
read YEILD.
About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted
over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.
Interesting Speech -- Remarks by Senator Zell Miller at the 2004 Ronald Reagan Award Gala September 23,
2004
In New York City earlier this month I said I was proud to stand with George W. Bush.
I am also proud to stand here tonight with Malcolm Wallop, George Landrith, Jason Wright, and all of you who, like the man this award is named for, are committed to maintaining America's freedom and greatness.
Frontiers of Freedom is a voice that can be trusted and I am honored to accept this award.
No idea in the history of the world, has been more influential than the idea of freedom. It has been the definitive idea of our civilization and the central theme of our history.
And yet, far too many Americans take our freedom for granted; hardly give a thought to where it came from or what it really means.
And yet if you count up all the people who have lived in the history of the world, only one percent has lived in freedom.
But, while we rejoice in the freedom of that one per cent, it is the fate of those other 99 that we should also think about.
If 99 of 100 who have ever lived, did so in tyranny, it says not only is their this endless struggle between freedom and tyranny but also that freedom too often rarely wins.
The fate of the 99 speaks from the grave to say that mankind is almost totally deaf to this roar of history, that each generation tends to ignore its own struggle between freedom and tyranny. The 99 represents the fact that "most don't believe this struggle applies to them."
I think history's greatest lesson is that there is always an ongoing struggle between freedom and tyranny. Each generation must make a choice between the two. And not to make a choice is to make a choice.
The choice can often exact a terrible toll. But if freedom wins, it also often results in the most glorious of payoffs.
It was true as far back as 490 B.C. The citizen soldiers of ancient Athens, Greece, turned back on the plains of Marathon a Persian army three times as big and much better equipped.
And a man named Phidippides ran the 26 miles back to Athens with the news of the great victory.
Marathoners still run that distance, but a far greater significance of this battle was that free men defeated the hired soldiers and slaves of a tyrant.
And this victory led the way to Athenian democracy and all the good things that came with it -- individual rights, trial by jury, freedom of speech.
The glorious payoff also was true that April day in 1775, when the local militia of the American colonists stood up to the British Redcoats at Lexington and Concord and fired that shot heard 'round the world.
Two weeks later, George Washington took command of the Continental Army against the tyranny of George III.
The payoff was gloriously true in 1863 when Abraham Lincoln made his famous address at that Gettysburg ceremony where 7,000 men had died and their bodies lay rotting for months after the battle.
President Lincoln's few words explained better than anyone else ever has what the Civil War was all about.
"A Test," Lincoln called it, "a test of whether a new nation conceived in liberty," -- conceived in liberty
- "can long endure."
It was true in 1917, when within just a few months a million Americans volunteered to fight the Germans in World War I and turned the tide from possible defeat into an allied victory on the Western front.
My father was among them. He died when I was two weeks old. I never knew him, but I can remember wearing his coat with those sergeant stripes on it when I was so young; it dragged on the floor, and my arms did not extend more than halfway down its sleeves.
The glorious payoff was true that late spring of 1940, because of one single strong voice, the magnificent and eloquent voice of Winston Churchill who would not let up in his opposition to Adolf Hitler, as evil a man as ever lived.
******************************** New Sign
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that
sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts.
As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting
a sign.
"Why the new sign?" I asked.
"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.
When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared,
"Local Honey, Dates, Nuts."
********************************
CleanPun.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"Hebrews"
********************************
"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like
18 percent that say 'I don't know'? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote--and they're voting 'I don't know.'"
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking
proud.)
"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."
-- Andy Rooney
********************************
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents :
1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California & then take the train to Hawaii ?"
3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa."
Her response was "click".
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He Replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
He said, "But they look so close on the Map."
6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of Time zones.
Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who ?"
I said, "No,why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection ?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on ?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
10. A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."
I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever."
11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double-checked and sure enough, his stay needs a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
12. A woman called to make reservations.
"I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
********************************
Yield for Pedestrians?
Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the
ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD
Close, but not close enough. I drove through the following week and found
it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it
read YEILD.
About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted
over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
hUMOR Ffor September 30th
********************************
Moving Furniture
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really
sore from moving furniture.
"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.
"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if
he's not on it."
********************************
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read: "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died. Golf clubs for sale."
********************************
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the important doctor.
"My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time.
Tell me, what sort of useless advice did Cohen give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
**********************************
"Car Names Explained"(My car is in here so don't be offended if yours is too!)
AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW - Big Money WorksBought My WifeBrutal Money WasterBreak My Window
BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended TripsCheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every TimeCheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every TimeCondition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease EverywhereDem Old Dudes Go EverywhereDead or Dying Gas EaterDear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive TechnologyFix It All the TimeFix it again, Tony!
FORD - First On Recall DayFirst On Race DayFirst On Rust and DeteriorationFix Or Repair DailyFound On Road, DeadFault Of R&DFast Only Rolling DownhillFound On Russian Dump
GM - General MaintenanceGreat Mistake
GMC - Garage Man's CompanionGot A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere,Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PINTO - Put in new transmission often
PONTIAC - poor old Neanderthal thinks it's a Cadillac
SAAB - Send Another Automobile BackSwedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular ObjectVehicles Of Low Velocity OwnersVW - Virtually Worthless
Moving Furniture
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really
sore from moving furniture.
"Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.
"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if
he's not on it."
********************************
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read: "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died. Golf clubs for sale."
********************************
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked the important doctor.
"My local General Practitioner, Dr. Cohen."
"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time.
Tell me, what sort of useless advice did Cohen give you?"
"He told me to come and see you."
**********************************
"Car Names Explained"(My car is in here so don't be offended if yours is too!)
AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW - Big Money WorksBought My WifeBrutal Money WasterBreak My Window
BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended TripsCheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every TimeCheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every TimeCondition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease EverywhereDem Old Dudes Go EverywhereDead or Dying Gas EaterDear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive TechnologyFix It All the TimeFix it again, Tony!
FORD - First On Recall DayFirst On Race DayFirst On Rust and DeteriorationFix Or Repair DailyFound On Road, DeadFault Of R&DFast Only Rolling DownhillFound On Russian Dump
GM - General MaintenanceGreat Mistake
GMC - Garage Man's CompanionGot A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere,Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PINTO - Put in new transmission often
PONTIAC - poor old Neanderthal thinks it's a Cadillac
SAAB - Send Another Automobile BackSwedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular ObjectVehicles Of Low Velocity OwnersVW - Virtually Worthless
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
hUMOR for September 29th
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
******************************** A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
********************************
*Answers to the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"*
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Constable: To get a better view.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
George W. Bush: Because that's what the Iraqi people wanted.
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Hillary Clinton: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DEAD DEAD!
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
John Kerry: I actually voted for the chicken to cross before I voted against it crossing.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.
Othello: Jealousy.
Plato: For the greater good.
Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.
The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side
********************************
Polish Sausage (NOTE: Yeah, I know, it's politically incorrect. I also run jokes about fat people -- of whom I am one -- and Southerners -- ditto -- and etc. They are just jokes. Lighten up, already. ts)
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh?
Well, would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right! Why then, did you ask me if I'm
Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
******************************************************
Do Not Touch!
Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box.
Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
******************************************************
Blonde Joke...
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Here is today's CleanPun.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
******************************** A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
********************************
*Answers to the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"*
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Constable: To get a better view.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
George W. Bush: Because that's what the Iraqi people wanted.
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Hillary Clinton: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DEAD DEAD!
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
John Kerry: I actually voted for the chicken to cross before I voted against it crossing.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.
Othello: Jealousy.
Plato: For the greater good.
Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.
The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side
********************************
Polish Sausage (NOTE: Yeah, I know, it's politically incorrect. I also run jokes about fat people -- of whom I am one -- and Southerners -- ditto -- and etc. They are just jokes. Lighten up, already. ts)
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh?
Well, would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right! Why then, did you ask me if I'm
Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
******************************************************
Do Not Touch!
Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box.
Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
******************************************************
Blonde Joke...
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
hUMOR For September 28
********************************
Here is the All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,
b) fathom,
c) comprehend,
d) appreciate,
e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,
b) sue me,
c) spank me,
d) take my firstborn,
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
********************************
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
********************************
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:
"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Once again, on Saturday, I experienced another malfunction in the interface between my chair and keyboard. Subsequently, most of you could not view Saturday’s link to the “CSI Egypt” cartoon. So, here it is again.
********************************
Sports Illustrated
The coach's wife yells to her husband, "It's Sports Illustrated on the phone."
The coach falls all over himself racing to the phone and says, "Hello?"
Then he hears, "For just 75 cents an issue...."
********************************
*Liberal Headlines*
If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal media
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
******************************************************
AMERICAN MUSLIM: AN OXYMORON
Can a devout Muslim be an American patriot and a loyal citizen?
THEOLOGICALLY: No. Because his allegiance is to Allah, the moon god of Arabia.
GEOGRAPHICALLY: No. Because his allegiance is to Mecca, which he turns in prayers five times a day.
SOCIALLY: No. Because his allegiance to Islam demands that he make no friends of Christians and Jews.
(Q.5:51)
POLITICALLY: No. Because he must submit to the mullah, who teaches annihilation of Israel and the destruction of America, the great Satan.
DOMESTICALLY: No. Because he is instructed to marry four women and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him. (Q.4:34)
RELIGIOUSLY: No. Because no other religion is accepted by his Allah except Islam-Intolerance. (Q.2:256)
INTELLECTUALLY: No. Because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is established on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt.
PHILOSOPHICALLY: No. Because Islam, Mohammed and the Quran do not allow freedom of religion and _expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist.
Every Muslim government is dictatorial except Turkey.
SPIRITUALLY: No. Because when we declare "one nation under God", the Christian's God is a triune God while the Muslim's is one entity called "Allah", who is never a heavenly father, nor is he ever called "Love"
in the 99 excellent names.
An article by: Anis Shorrosh, a former Muslim, turned to Christ, from Nazareth, now living in Alabama.
Reprint rights granted. People of This Country NEED to understand this!
******************************************************
DEAR ANN LANDERS:
I loved the letters you printed about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer. When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed.
As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.
From San Francisco: When I was a child,
I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name.
Groton, Mass. My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."
Missoula, Mont. My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
Uniontown, Ohio I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."
Covina, Calif. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."
Cleveland, Ohio When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag . . . and to the republic for Richard Stands."
Schenectady, NY I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear."
(gladly the Cross I Bear).
Tampa, Fla. When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
Lake Forest Park, Wash. When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah.
Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."
Oak Harbor, Wash. When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
Grand Junction, Colo. When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble
[I'll add one for you. My brother's name was Mansfield and he thought the song was "Fight mansfieldly
(manfully) onward" L.B.S.]
Here is the All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!
Dear
a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated
prank. How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
e) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine,
b) fathom,
c) comprehend,
d) appreciate,
e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me,
b) sue me,
c) spank me,
d) take my firstborn,
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid.
b) was so silly.
c) would have been funny if it worked.
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
Enter name here (or alias): ________________________
********************************
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
********************************
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:
"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "
"Heard what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Once again, on Saturday, I experienced another malfunction in the interface between my chair and keyboard. Subsequently, most of you could not view Saturday’s link to the “CSI Egypt” cartoon. So, here it is again.
********************************
Sports Illustrated
The coach's wife yells to her husband, "It's Sports Illustrated on the phone."
The coach falls all over himself racing to the phone and says, "Hello?"
Then he hears, "For just 75 cents an issue...."
********************************
*Liberal Headlines*
If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal media
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
******************************************************
AMERICAN MUSLIM: AN OXYMORON
Can a devout Muslim be an American patriot and a loyal citizen?
THEOLOGICALLY: No. Because his allegiance is to Allah, the moon god of Arabia.
GEOGRAPHICALLY: No. Because his allegiance is to Mecca, which he turns in prayers five times a day.
SOCIALLY: No. Because his allegiance to Islam demands that he make no friends of Christians and Jews.
(Q.5:51)
POLITICALLY: No. Because he must submit to the mullah, who teaches annihilation of Israel and the destruction of America, the great Satan.
DOMESTICALLY: No. Because he is instructed to marry four women and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him. (Q.4:34)
RELIGIOUSLY: No. Because no other religion is accepted by his Allah except Islam-Intolerance. (Q.2:256)
INTELLECTUALLY: No. Because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is established on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt.
PHILOSOPHICALLY: No. Because Islam, Mohammed and the Quran do not allow freedom of religion and _expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist.
Every Muslim government is dictatorial except Turkey.
SPIRITUALLY: No. Because when we declare "one nation under God", the Christian's God is a triune God while the Muslim's is one entity called "Allah", who is never a heavenly father, nor is he ever called "Love"
in the 99 excellent names.
An article by: Anis Shorrosh, a former Muslim, turned to Christ, from Nazareth, now living in Alabama.
Reprint rights granted. People of This Country NEED to understand this!
******************************************************
DEAR ANN LANDERS:
I loved the letters you printed about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer. When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed.
As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.
From San Francisco: When I was a child,
I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name.
Groton, Mass. My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."
Missoula, Mont. My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
Uniontown, Ohio I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."
Covina, Calif. I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."
Cleveland, Ohio When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag . . . and to the republic for Richard Stands."
Schenectady, NY I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was "Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear."
(gladly the Cross I Bear).
Tampa, Fla. When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
Lake Forest Park, Wash. When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah.
Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the rains came down, and the spuds came up."
Oak Harbor, Wash. When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
Grand Junction, Colo. When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble
[I'll add one for you. My brother's name was Mansfield and he thought the song was "Fight mansfieldly
(manfully) onward" L.B.S.]
Monday, September 27, 2004
hUMOR For September 27th
Now, don't go gettin'
offended or nothin', just laugh or shake your head in disgust and move on to the next one... Chapped lips
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
******************************************************
Can you sleep when the wind blows?
Years ago a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands.
Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.
Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farmhand?" the farmer asked him.
"Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.
Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.
MORAL: When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life? The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We, as believers in Christ, secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the midst of the storms.
I hope you sleep well!
---------------------------------------
Churchgoers Philosophy
"Don't let your worries get the best of you.
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case"
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and sand gnats come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to... discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
********************************A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father."
********************************
Cute
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
______________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________
TEACHER: "Can anybody give anexample of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
______________
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
******************************************************
Can You Beat This Logic?
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied: Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, the man won!
******************************************************
At our age
WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.
I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON BUDDY, DON'T BE A JERK. HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A BREAK?"
HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET.
I CALLED HIM A BAD NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.
SO I CALLED HIM A WAY WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST.
THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD A "ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.
I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.
offended or nothin', just laugh or shake your head in disgust and move on to the next one... Chapped lips
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
******************************************************
Can you sleep when the wind blows?
Years ago a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands.
Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.
Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farmhand?" the farmer asked him.
"Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.
Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.
Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"
The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."
Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.
MORAL: When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life? The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We, as believers in Christ, secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the midst of the storms.
I hope you sleep well!
---------------------------------------
Churchgoers Philosophy
"Don't let your worries get the best of you.
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case"
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and sand gnats come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
Peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
He who angers you, controls you!
If God is your Copilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to... discourage him.
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
********************************A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father."
********************************
Cute
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
______________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________
TEACHER: "Can anybody give anexample of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
______________
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
******************************************************
Can You Beat This Logic?
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied: Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, the man won!
******************************************************
At our age
WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.
I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON BUDDY, DON'T BE A JERK. HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A BREAK?"
HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET.
I CALLED HIM A BAD NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.
SO I CALLED HIM A WAY WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST.
THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.
THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.
I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD A "ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.
I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.
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