******************************** *Military Wisdom*
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make youquite unpopular in what's left of your unit."-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."-U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."-U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."-Gen.Mac Arthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."-Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."-U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."-U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."-David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."-Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."-Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."-Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."-Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop ******************************** Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota (sad but true)
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by, you might live in Minnesota
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the
year, you might live in Minnesota.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Minnesota
If your Dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Minnesota
If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Minnesota
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you might live in Minnesota
You know you're a true MINNESOTAN when.............
1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-35.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Iowa.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find -20 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not
medicine.
24. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.
25. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends. ********************************
Golfer's Tall Tale
A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's
turn. "Well, he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through
a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on
fire."
"What did you do?", asked his friends.
"Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim,
and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engine
before any major damage was done."
******************************** Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks, "So James, how's my favorite dog doing?"
James very tersely replies, "Your dog is dead" "
What?" says Phil, "You can't just tell someone their favorite dog is dead without a warning, you have to ease them into it."
"How?" says James.
"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof" remarked Phil. "Then tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get her down, when it jumped off of the roof and broke its leg. Tell me the doctors say it will be ok, but that it will have to stay at the vets for a while. Are you getting all of this???"
"Yes" says James.
"Good" remarks Phil. "Then the next day when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up and that my favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it?"
"Yes." ******************************** A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats!" ********************************
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After
everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she
tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had
$20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be
broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of
course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the
church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I
spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you
know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My
stars, how big was it?"
The widow says, "Three carats!"
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
hUMOR For Sept 14th
******************************** At the prestigious university there was a clear hierarchy that outlined how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, sir?' ******************************** Second Bid
This little not-for-profit organization is having problems with the air
conditioning in its small computer room, reports a technician working there.
"It was routinely getting into the low 80's," he says. "We thought the air
conditioning for the room should be plenty for the space, but we had added
a number of additional systems."
So the organization brings in a vendor to see what beefing up the cooling
system will cost. The quote is in the neighborhood of $25,000 -- a
way-too-pricey neighborhood for this outfit.
"At non-profits, money is never in abundance and we knew we wouldn't be
able to scrape up anywhere close to $25,000," says the technician.
"However, our board required us to get three quotes for any expense close
to that. So we brought in a competing vendor."
The second air-conditioning guy walks into the computer room and looks
around for a minute. Then he picks up a spare cardboard box off the floor
and tapes it over the thermostat. "No charge," he says.
It turns out the air-conditioning vent was blowing directly onto the
thermostat. So as soon as it would turn on, the thermostat would register
the temperature change and shut the air conditioner off.
The technician reported, "We did end up spending $100 or so to replace the
cardboard box with something nicer -- and to buy dinner for the second vendor." ********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well until Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that is became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," said she, Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
******************************** A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors. "They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning!"
His friend asked, "well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain?
"No-it didn't disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet." ******************************** A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands: >It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. Not only that mom; I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone so we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure so Ahmed will get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now so I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit because I want you to
know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you! ********************************
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, sir?' ******************************** Second Bid
This little not-for-profit organization is having problems with the air
conditioning in its small computer room, reports a technician working there.
"It was routinely getting into the low 80's," he says. "We thought the air
conditioning for the room should be plenty for the space, but we had added
a number of additional systems."
So the organization brings in a vendor to see what beefing up the cooling
system will cost. The quote is in the neighborhood of $25,000 -- a
way-too-pricey neighborhood for this outfit.
"At non-profits, money is never in abundance and we knew we wouldn't be
able to scrape up anywhere close to $25,000," says the technician.
"However, our board required us to get three quotes for any expense close
to that. So we brought in a competing vendor."
The second air-conditioning guy walks into the computer room and looks
around for a minute. Then he picks up a spare cardboard box off the floor
and tapes it over the thermostat. "No charge," he says.
It turns out the air-conditioning vent was blowing directly onto the
thermostat. So as soon as it would turn on, the thermostat would register
the temperature change and shut the air conditioner off.
The technician reported, "We did end up spending $100 or so to replace the
cardboard box with something nicer -- and to buy dinner for the second vendor." ********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well until Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that is became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," said she, Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
******************************** A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors. "They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning!"
His friend asked, "well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain?
"No-it didn't disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet." ******************************** A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands: >It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. Not only that mom; I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone so we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure so Ahmed will get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now so I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit because I want you to
know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you! ********************************
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
Monday, September 13, 2004
hUMOR For Sept. 13th
******************************** There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies.
She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and would share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"
Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery." ******************************** A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!!" ********************************
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."
So, the next time you are last in line...smile!
********************************
She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and would share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"
Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery." ******************************** A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach.
The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!!" ********************************
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."
So, the next time you are last in line...smile!
********************************
Sunday, September 12, 2004
hUMOR For Sept. 12
********************************
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
********************************
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
********************************
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked confused.
"Umm, he's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"
********************************
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?"
He answered, "It's not fair -- I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"
********************************
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
********************************
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
********************************
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked confused.
"Umm, he's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
********************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
"I know!" said a third...
"They use it to find the fire hydrant!"
********************************
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?"
He answered, "It's not fair -- I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"
********************************
Friday, September 10, 2004
hUMOR For Sept 10th
********************************
Metric?
A farmer goes into a store to buy chicken wire.....
Farmer: I'd like 10 yards of chicken wire.
Clerk: Haven't you heard? We've gone metric. We sell things by the meter
now, not the yard.
Farmer: (Thinks about it) OK, I'd like 10 meters of chicken wire.
Clerk: Right. Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes?
********************************
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister.
The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly.
"Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.
"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"
********************************
Garage Sale?
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
******************************************************
The Well
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edgeof the well and trotted off!
Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
******************************************************
Blonde Cookbook
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow tocome so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.
If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
******************************************************
Alabama Hunters
A couple of Alabamians are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help; first, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious aboutmaking some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her severaltimes, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do justfine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church youwalk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR.Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN, then we shall get onwith the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which thosethings happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for hisbride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating toherself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."
********************************
The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."
"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."
********************************
Auto-Body Repair
One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car
needing a new fender and some door repairs.
I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up,
he wasn't pleased.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not
matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He
demanded an explanation.
"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.
Metric?
A farmer goes into a store to buy chicken wire.....
Farmer: I'd like 10 yards of chicken wire.
Clerk: Haven't you heard? We've gone metric. We sell things by the meter
now, not the yard.
Farmer: (Thinks about it) OK, I'd like 10 meters of chicken wire.
Clerk: Right. Is that with the half-inch or quarter-inch holes?
********************************
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.
Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister.
The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly.
"Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.
"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"
********************************
Garage Sale?
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.
"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
******************************************************
The Well
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edgeof the well and trotted off!
Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!
******************************************************
Blonde Cookbook
MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow tocome so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.
If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
******************************************************
Alabama Hunters
A couple of Alabamians are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help; first, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious aboutmaking some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her severaltimes, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do justfine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church youwalk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR.Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN, then we shall get onwith the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which thosethings happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for hisbride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating toherself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."
********************************
The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."
"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."
********************************
Auto-Body Repair
One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car
needing a new fender and some door repairs.
I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up,
he wasn't pleased.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not
matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He
demanded an explanation.
"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
hUMOR For Sept 9
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
hUMOR For Sept. 8th
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
hUMOR For Sept. 8th
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
hUMOR For Sept. 8
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
hUMOR For Sept. 8
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
hUMOR For Sept 8
31,000 left in the darkBy Cheri Harris
Outage may continue through MondayWith crews working overtime and help from reinforcements, the Citrus County residents who lost power because of damage from Tropical Storm Frances will see the welcome return of electricity.
Get local Headlines in your Email
But maybe not as soon as they would like.By about 4 p.m. Tuesday, more than 31,600 local customers had no power.Progress Energy spokesman Mac Harris said 23,086 customers were still out of power, but the goal was to have power restored to all Citrus County customers by midnight Sunday. Progress Energy has 41,145 local customers.He said the outages appeared to be widespread, but he did not have specific information about which areas had the most customers who lost power.Harris said work crews from 23 states, including Colorado, Wisconsin, Oklahoma and Michigan, currently are in Florida to help turn the lights back on,.Ernie Holzhauer, spokesman for Withlacoochee River Electric Co-op, said that about 3,000 of the company's 22,377 Citrus County customers did not have power, but crews, including some from North Carolina, have been working 12 to 14-hour days on repairs."We continue to work around the clock to restore energy," Holzhauer said.Most of the company's local customers without power are located in the east central area of Citrus County, where the storm left a clear path of destruction."That's where we have obviously suffered the most significant line damage," Holzhauer said.For customers who need to report power outages, he said the company's automated attendant system has been handling up to 700 calls per hour. Wait times can be longer to speak with customer service representatives.Holzhauer said it was too early to estimate when power could be restored to all Citrus County customers.Sumter Electric Cooperative spokesman Barry Bowman said about 5,552 of the company's 14,606 local customers are without power.Bowman said the company's service area is primarily east of Inverness, and the outages are throughout this territory, including Floral City, Gospel Island and Hernando."The tree damage is unbelievable on the east side," Bowman said, "but we've been working right straight through, 24/7."Bowman said that at one point on Sunday, SECO had a total of 100,000 customers without power in the seven-county area it serves. Now 35,756 customers don't have power, and he expects all power to be restored by Monday."We could be done before that," Bowman said, "certainly in Citrus."
Outage may continue through MondayWith crews working overtime and help from reinforcements, the Citrus County residents who lost power because of damage from Tropical Storm Frances will see the welcome return of electricity.
Get local Headlines in your Email
But maybe not as soon as they would like.By about 4 p.m. Tuesday, more than 31,600 local customers had no power.Progress Energy spokesman Mac Harris said 23,086 customers were still out of power, but the goal was to have power restored to all Citrus County customers by midnight Sunday. Progress Energy has 41,145 local customers.He said the outages appeared to be widespread, but he did not have specific information about which areas had the most customers who lost power.Harris said work crews from 23 states, including Colorado, Wisconsin, Oklahoma and Michigan, currently are in Florida to help turn the lights back on,.Ernie Holzhauer, spokesman for Withlacoochee River Electric Co-op, said that about 3,000 of the company's 22,377 Citrus County customers did not have power, but crews, including some from North Carolina, have been working 12 to 14-hour days on repairs."We continue to work around the clock to restore energy," Holzhauer said.Most of the company's local customers without power are located in the east central area of Citrus County, where the storm left a clear path of destruction."That's where we have obviously suffered the most significant line damage," Holzhauer said.For customers who need to report power outages, he said the company's automated attendant system has been handling up to 700 calls per hour. Wait times can be longer to speak with customer service representatives.Holzhauer said it was too early to estimate when power could be restored to all Citrus County customers.Sumter Electric Cooperative spokesman Barry Bowman said about 5,552 of the company's 14,606 local customers are without power.Bowman said the company's service area is primarily east of Inverness, and the outages are throughout this territory, including Floral City, Gospel Island and Hernando."The tree damage is unbelievable on the east side," Bowman said, "but we've been working right straight through, 24/7."Bowman said that at one point on Sunday, SECO had a total of 100,000 customers without power in the seven-county area it serves. Now 35,756 customers don't have power, and he expects all power to be restored by Monday."We could be done before that," Bowman said, "certainly in Citrus."
hUMOR For Sept. 8th
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
hUMOR For Sept. 8
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
hUMOR For Sept. 8
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
September 8 hUMOR
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Sept. 7 hUMOR
Bulletin Bloopers*
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.
************************
Thank-You Notes
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's
extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up
address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one
better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written my thank-you
notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying.They're all stamped and ready
to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those
little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
************************
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.
To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.
This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
****************************************************
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of caracter. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
************************
Mathematical Miracles
One of the biggest mathematical miracles in the world centers on Moses and the people of Israel. Moses and the people of Israel were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them? They had to be fed, and feeding 3 or 3 1/2 million people would require a lot of food. According to the Quartermaster General of the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have 1500 tons of food each day. Did you know that to bring that amount of food each day, two freight trains, each a mile long, would be required? Besides, you must remember, they were out in the desert, and they would have to have firewood to cook the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, for one day. And just to think, they were forty years in transit. Oh, yes, they would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day, and a freight train with tank cars
11.8 miles long, just to bring water.
They had no lakes, and only a few wells. How were they to get water? And then another thing . . . ! They had to get across the Red Sea in one night. Now if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through.
So, there had to be space in the Red Sea 3 miles wide so they could walk 5000 abreast to get over in one night.
But, then, another problem. . . . Every time they camped at the end of the day, a campground 2/3's the size of Rhode Island, or a total of 750 square miles, was needed. That comprises an area 25 miles wide and 30 miles long. Think of it! This space just for nightly camping.
Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left? Think not. You see, Moses believed in God, and that God was going to take care of these things for him. Let us take courage, we have the same God!
******************************************************
THOUGHTS WORTH REPEATING...
Temptation is the tempter looking through the keyhole into the room where you are living; sin is your drawing back the bolt and making it possible for him to enter. J.Wilbur Chapman
Bigness in God's sight is measured in terms of Quality, not quantity.
Death is not a period but a comma in the story of life.
God writes with a pen that never blots, speaks with a tongue that never slips, and acts with a hand that never fails.
******************************************************
My apologies to Blondes everywhere:
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has
$1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
******************************************************
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.
************************
Thank-You Notes
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's
extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up
address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one
better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written my thank-you
notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying.They're all stamped and ready
to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those
little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
************************
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.
To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.
This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
****************************************************
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of caracter. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
************************
Mathematical Miracles
One of the biggest mathematical miracles in the world centers on Moses and the people of Israel. Moses and the people of Israel were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them? They had to be fed, and feeding 3 or 3 1/2 million people would require a lot of food. According to the Quartermaster General of the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have 1500 tons of food each day. Did you know that to bring that amount of food each day, two freight trains, each a mile long, would be required? Besides, you must remember, they were out in the desert, and they would have to have firewood to cook the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, for one day. And just to think, they were forty years in transit. Oh, yes, they would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day, and a freight train with tank cars
11.8 miles long, just to bring water.
They had no lakes, and only a few wells. How were they to get water? And then another thing . . . ! They had to get across the Red Sea in one night. Now if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through.
So, there had to be space in the Red Sea 3 miles wide so they could walk 5000 abreast to get over in one night.
But, then, another problem. . . . Every time they camped at the end of the day, a campground 2/3's the size of Rhode Island, or a total of 750 square miles, was needed. That comprises an area 25 miles wide and 30 miles long. Think of it! This space just for nightly camping.
Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left? Think not. You see, Moses believed in God, and that God was going to take care of these things for him. Let us take courage, we have the same God!
******************************************************
THOUGHTS WORTH REPEATING...
Temptation is the tempter looking through the keyhole into the room where you are living; sin is your drawing back the bolt and making it possible for him to enter. J.Wilbur Chapman
Bigness in God's sight is measured in terms of Quality, not quantity.
Death is not a period but a comma in the story of life.
God writes with a pen that never blots, speaks with a tongue that never slips, and acts with a hand that never fails.
******************************************************
My apologies to Blondes everywhere:
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has
$1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
******************************************************
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)