No Place Like Home
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and
we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for
our family.
I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had
just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.
"He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Here is today's CleanPun.
Here is today's CleanPun.
A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
The travel agent double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When the travel agent told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my American Express or MasterCard."
A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
The travel agent double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When the travel agent told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my American Express or MasterCard."
Friday, September 03, 2004
Your hUMOR Daily Update
*Strange 911 Calls*
A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.
A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."
A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You Ainta nothing but a hound dog.'"
Another person called to report he had the hiccups.
A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.
A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.
A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.
Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and is in a tree outside.
A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.
A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.
*****************************************
Crossing the River
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.
The first man prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross
this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able
to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple
of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength...and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat
and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat twice.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools ... and the
intelligence ... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a
woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards,
then walked across the bridge.
***************************************
An Old Favorite:
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results:
God is like BAYER ASPIRIN ...He works miracles.
God is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea.
God is like COKE ... He's the real thing.
God is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life.
God is like SEARS ... He has everything.
God is like ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like him.
God is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are.
God is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him.
God is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
******************************************************
INNER STRENGTH
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you are probably a cat or a dog.
******************************************************
Are You a Potato, an Egg, or a Coffee Bean?
Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn't know how she was going to make it. She was tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved, another one soon followed.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.
Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot, and ground coffee beans in the third pot. He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter. The daughter moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.
After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl.
He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup.
Turning to her, he asked. "Daughter, what do you see?"
"Potatoes, eggs, and coffee," she hastily replied.
"Look closer", he said, "and touch the potatoes." She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face.
"Father, what does this mean?" she asked. He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity-- the boiling water.
However, each one reacted differently. The potato went in strong, hard, and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak. The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard. However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.
"Which are you," he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean?" In life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.
Which one are you? When problems come (and they will) how will we react?
Will they make us weak, hard hearted or will they cause us to change them into something worthwhile?
******************************************************
A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.
A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."
A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You Ainta nothing but a hound dog.'"
Another person called to report he had the hiccups.
A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.
A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.
A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.
Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and is in a tree outside.
A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.
A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.
*****************************************
Crossing the River
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.
The first man prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross
this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able
to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple
of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength...and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat
and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat twice.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools ... and the
intelligence ... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a
woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards,
then walked across the bridge.
***************************************
An Old Favorite:
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results:
God is like BAYER ASPIRIN ...He works miracles.
God is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea.
God is like COKE ... He's the real thing.
God is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life.
God is like SEARS ... He has everything.
God is like ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like him.
God is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are.
God is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him.
God is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
******************************************************
INNER STRENGTH
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you are probably a cat or a dog.
******************************************************
Are You a Potato, an Egg, or a Coffee Bean?
Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn't know how she was going to make it. She was tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved, another one soon followed.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.
Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot, and ground coffee beans in the third pot. He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter. The daughter moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.
After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl.
He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup.
Turning to her, he asked. "Daughter, what do you see?"
"Potatoes, eggs, and coffee," she hastily replied.
"Look closer", he said, "and touch the potatoes." She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face.
"Father, what does this mean?" she asked. He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity-- the boiling water.
However, each one reacted differently. The potato went in strong, hard, and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak. The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard. However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.
"Which are you," he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean?" In life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.
Which one are you? When problems come (and they will) how will we react?
Will they make us weak, hard hearted or will they cause us to change them into something worthwhile?
******************************************************
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Have a good day
Crate of Chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
******************************************************
SUBSTITUTE PREACHER: A popular preacher got sick on a Sunday morning, and he called a retired minister and asked if he would preach the service for him. The substitute agreed but felt inadequate in filling in for such a good preacher. When he entered the pulpit, he struggled for a metaphor that would express his humility in his task.
"I feel inadequate in taking the place of your minister this morning. He is such a good preacher and brings light just like the sunlight through a clean pane of glass. I, on the other hand, am like a piece of cardboard that you have seen substituted for the pane in a window."
He went on and preached a pretty good sermon. At the door afterwards, a good sister gushed, "Preacher, you're no cardboard; you're a real pane..."
******************************************************
VAIN PRAYER, BRUTAL HONESTY: The preacher's little daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head for a minute before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.
"Well, I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
******************************************************
If all the people who sleep in church were laid out end to end, they'd be more comfortable...
******************************************************
BORING... A preacher, known for long and boring sermons (are there really such preachers???), had been into a particularly tedious one for nearly an hour, when he stopped to scold the congregation.
"I know you think my sermons are long, but I've got something important to impart to you. Now, I don't mind you looking at your watches while I'm preaching, but I want you to know that I resent you shaking them to see if they're still running."
******************************************************
PERCEPTION: A mother and her son, who weren't regular churchgoers, went to visit a new congregation for Sunday morning service. On their way home the mother asked her son what he thought of the service.
"Well, I liked the music, but I thought the commercial was too long."
******************************************************
ECUMENISM: The Baptist preacher called a construction company to come and cut a hole in the outside wall of his office for an air conditioner. He waited, but they did not come. After a while he got a bill for the job. He called up to protest.
The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Just a minute."
After a bit he came back and said, "In the spirit of ecumenism, we cut a hole in the Catholic Church."
******************************************************
MINORITY: A certain fellow had a habit of going to sleep in church, which irritated the preacher. One Sunday, he decided to embarrass him. At the tail end of his sermon, when the offending parishioner was sleeping soundly, he asked everybody who thought they were going to heaven to stand up. Everyone stood up except the sleeping man. The preacher smiled slyly, told everyone to be seated, and then in a low voice said, "Now, everybody who thinks he's going to hell"
-- he paused, and then shouted -- "STAND UP!"
The sleeping man awoke and jumped to his feet. He looked around and saw that everybody else was seated, looked at the minister, and said, "I don't know what we're voting on, preacher, but it appears that you and me lost."
******************************************************
PASSING IT ON: A young preacher was working with a congregation at which one man, every Sunday, would have something negative to say. It didn't matter what the preacher spoke on, this man always criticized it.
One Sunday he said, "That's about the sorriest sermon I ever heard."
The next Sunday the man came by and said, "Do you call that a sermon?"
The third Sunday he said, "That is about the nearest nothing sermon I think I ever heard."
The preacher got so upset that he went to the elders and said, "Gentlemen, every Sunday this man has some negative comment to make about my preaching."
One of them said, "Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a half-wit. All he can say is what he repeats from other people..."
******************************************************
FULL OF HOT AIR: A church, desiring to keep up with the times, removed the paper towel racks in their bathrooms and replaced them with electric hand dryers.
The very next week somebody put a little note on one of the devices that read, "Punch this button for a brief recorded message from our preacher."
******************************************************
WRONG NUMBER: One Sunday morning the preacher got up and was looking through the paper, reading the death notices, and lo and behold, there was his name. He thought, "I wonder if the elders have seen it?"
He got on the phone and called one of them, and said, "Have you read the morning paper yet?"
The elder said, "Yes, sir."
The preacher said, "Did you see my name in the death notices?"
The elder said, "Yes, I did. Where are you calling from?"
******************************************************
ANSWER: The Chaldeans stole shovels and spoons from the Hebrews -- II Kings 25:13-14 "And, the pillars of brass... did the Chaldeans break in pieces, and carried the brass of them to Babylon. And the pots, and the shovels, and the snuffers, and the spoons, ...took they away."
******************************************************
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
******************************************************
SUBSTITUTE PREACHER: A popular preacher got sick on a Sunday morning, and he called a retired minister and asked if he would preach the service for him. The substitute agreed but felt inadequate in filling in for such a good preacher. When he entered the pulpit, he struggled for a metaphor that would express his humility in his task.
"I feel inadequate in taking the place of your minister this morning. He is such a good preacher and brings light just like the sunlight through a clean pane of glass. I, on the other hand, am like a piece of cardboard that you have seen substituted for the pane in a window."
He went on and preached a pretty good sermon. At the door afterwards, a good sister gushed, "Preacher, you're no cardboard; you're a real pane..."
******************************************************
VAIN PRAYER, BRUTAL HONESTY: The preacher's little daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head for a minute before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.
"Well, I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
******************************************************
If all the people who sleep in church were laid out end to end, they'd be more comfortable...
******************************************************
BORING... A preacher, known for long and boring sermons (are there really such preachers???), had been into a particularly tedious one for nearly an hour, when he stopped to scold the congregation.
"I know you think my sermons are long, but I've got something important to impart to you. Now, I don't mind you looking at your watches while I'm preaching, but I want you to know that I resent you shaking them to see if they're still running."
******************************************************
PERCEPTION: A mother and her son, who weren't regular churchgoers, went to visit a new congregation for Sunday morning service. On their way home the mother asked her son what he thought of the service.
"Well, I liked the music, but I thought the commercial was too long."
******************************************************
ECUMENISM: The Baptist preacher called a construction company to come and cut a hole in the outside wall of his office for an air conditioner. He waited, but they did not come. After a while he got a bill for the job. He called up to protest.
The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Just a minute."
After a bit he came back and said, "In the spirit of ecumenism, we cut a hole in the Catholic Church."
******************************************************
MINORITY: A certain fellow had a habit of going to sleep in church, which irritated the preacher. One Sunday, he decided to embarrass him. At the tail end of his sermon, when the offending parishioner was sleeping soundly, he asked everybody who thought they were going to heaven to stand up. Everyone stood up except the sleeping man. The preacher smiled slyly, told everyone to be seated, and then in a low voice said, "Now, everybody who thinks he's going to hell"
-- he paused, and then shouted -- "STAND UP!"
The sleeping man awoke and jumped to his feet. He looked around and saw that everybody else was seated, looked at the minister, and said, "I don't know what we're voting on, preacher, but it appears that you and me lost."
******************************************************
PASSING IT ON: A young preacher was working with a congregation at which one man, every Sunday, would have something negative to say. It didn't matter what the preacher spoke on, this man always criticized it.
One Sunday he said, "That's about the sorriest sermon I ever heard."
The next Sunday the man came by and said, "Do you call that a sermon?"
The third Sunday he said, "That is about the nearest nothing sermon I think I ever heard."
The preacher got so upset that he went to the elders and said, "Gentlemen, every Sunday this man has some negative comment to make about my preaching."
One of them said, "Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a half-wit. All he can say is what he repeats from other people..."
******************************************************
FULL OF HOT AIR: A church, desiring to keep up with the times, removed the paper towel racks in their bathrooms and replaced them with electric hand dryers.
The very next week somebody put a little note on one of the devices that read, "Punch this button for a brief recorded message from our preacher."
******************************************************
WRONG NUMBER: One Sunday morning the preacher got up and was looking through the paper, reading the death notices, and lo and behold, there was his name. He thought, "I wonder if the elders have seen it?"
He got on the phone and called one of them, and said, "Have you read the morning paper yet?"
The elder said, "Yes, sir."
The preacher said, "Did you see my name in the death notices?"
The elder said, "Yes, I did. Where are you calling from?"
******************************************************
ANSWER: The Chaldeans stole shovels and spoons from the Hebrews -- II Kings 25:13-14 "And, the pillars of brass... did the Chaldeans break in pieces, and carried the brass of them to Babylon. And the pots, and the shovels, and the snuffers, and the spoons, ...took they away."
******************************************************
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Two goobers
Two goobers who wanted to invest $100 they won in the lottery. They went to a watermelon farmer they knew and bought 100 watermelons at $1.00 each. After finding a good place to park and sell the watermelons from their truck bed, they started selling them at $1.00 each. When they sold that load they went back to the farmer for more.
After selling several truck loads they counted their money and realized they still had only $100. After counting it several more times to be sure, Charlie said to Bobbie Jo, "This is getting us nowhere! We're just not making any more money here. We sold all our watermelons but we still only have $100. Something's wrong but I surely can't figure it out. "
Finally Bobbie Jo said to Charlie, "You goober, I was gonna let you figure it out, but you're just too dumb since you didn't even finish the third grade. It's as plain as the nose on your ugly face that the only way we can make money is to get a bigger truck!"
After selling several truck loads they counted their money and realized they still had only $100. After counting it several more times to be sure, Charlie said to Bobbie Jo, "This is getting us nowhere! We're just not making any more money here. We sold all our watermelons but we still only have $100. Something's wrong but I surely can't figure it out. "
Finally Bobbie Jo said to Charlie, "You goober, I was gonna let you figure it out, but you're just too dumb since you didn't even finish the third grade. It's as plain as the nose on your ugly face that the only way we can make money is to get a bigger truck!"
A blonde from a small town
Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't.
If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't.
If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"
Cafeteria Food
Cafeteria Food
Once when the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't
serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something,
so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and
jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a
home cooked meal!"
Once when the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't
serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something,
so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and
jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a
home cooked meal!"
FELLOW CHRISTIAN
FELLOW CHRISTIAN: A preacher went hunting out in the woods, heard a noise behind him, turned, and there was a big bear reared up on his hind legs. The preacher cocked his gun, aimed, and pulled the trigger. The gun only clicked, and the bear started toward him. He dropped to his knees and prayed, "Lord, save me from this bear."
He looked up and the bear was still coming. He prayed again, "Lord, let this be a Christian bear."
He looked up again, and the bear was hunkered down praying, "Lord, bless this food for the needs of our body."
He looked up and the bear was still coming. He prayed again, "Lord, let this be a Christian bear."
He looked up again, and the bear was hunkered down praying, "Lord, bless this food for the needs of our body."
CHAIN PREACHERS
CHAIN PREACHERS: An elder received a letter that read, "If you are tired of your preacher, send a copy of this letter to seven other churches that are probably tired of their preachers. Then ship your preacher to the church at the top of the list. Add the name of your congregation to the bottom. In thirty days you will receive twenty-one hundred and seventy-eight preachers, and out of this many you ought to be able to choose one to suit you. Warning!
One church broke the chain and got their old preacher back..."
One church broke the chain and got their old preacher back..."
I WANT TO RESIGN
I WANT TO RESIGN
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy [Unable to display because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.
I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause.............."Tag! You're it."
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy [Unable to display because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.
I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause.............."Tag! You're it."
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Here is today's CleanPun.
Here is today's CleanPun.
A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?"
He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.
He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"
The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"
A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?"
He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.
He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"
The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"
TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE
TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE
Age 5
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92
I've learned that you should pass this on to someone
you care about. Sometimes they just need a little
something to make them smile.
Age 5
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92
I've learned that you should pass this on to someone
you care about. Sometimes they just need a little
something to make them smile.
Tried and true
Tried and true
Once a couple were celebrating their 30th Wedding Anniversary.the kids were all there and friends,so the Husband lifted his glass and said, "Wife we have been married and I must say you have been tried and true."
Well the wife had a hearing problem so she said, "Haaaaa whatd Ya say?"
So again he said, "Wife we been Married 50 yr's and you have been tried and true, well everyone thought that was so sweet but she got mad and threw her glass and said, "WELL after 50 Yr's I'm tired of you to!!!!!! "
Once a couple were celebrating their 30th Wedding Anniversary.the kids were all there and friends,so the Husband lifted his glass and said, "Wife we have been married and I must say you have been tried and true."
Well the wife had a hearing problem so she said, "Haaaaa whatd Ya say?"
So again he said, "Wife we been Married 50 yr's and you have been tried and true, well everyone thought that was so sweet but she got mad and threw her glass and said, "WELL after 50 Yr's I'm tired of you to!!!!!! "
Why Are You Here?
Why Are You Here?
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. "I'm
here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the
eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun
violin lessons."
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. "I'm
here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the
eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun
violin lessons."
I'm a counsellor
I'm a counsellor who helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults.
Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.
I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.
Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford."
Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!"
Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.
I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.
Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford."
Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!"
Monday, August 30, 2004
ONE DAY AT A TIME
ONE DAY AT A TIME
You can only live one day at a time.
To try to do more makes it all out of rhyme.
It causes some fretting, as well as some worry, With all of the hustle, bustle and scurry.
Lighting the candle so it burns at both ends Brightens the darkness, but some trouble portends.
And, fails to erase the shadow of truth
Which makes twice the age and vanishes youth
You can only live one day at a time.
To try to do more makes it all out of rhyme.
It causes some fretting, as well as some worry, With all of the hustle, bustle and scurry.
Lighting the candle so it burns at both ends Brightens the darkness, but some trouble portends.
And, fails to erase the shadow of truth
Which makes twice the age and vanishes youth
BIRTHDAYS, ONE BY ONE
BIRTHDAYS, ONE BY ONE
Though years may come and years may go,
And birthdays---one by one,
And, though each day we older get
We still can have our fun.
Just because we're growing older
Doesn't mean we must lose our senses
For, if our get up is getting up and going, We just change the verbal tenses.
We reminisce 'bout times gone by,
And of all the good wishes sent
By friends who wanted our get up to stay, (But instead of staying it went).
Now, as I said three verses ago
When this poem had just begun,
That, though each day, we older get,
We still can have our fun.
We kick up our heels as high as ever
And frolic the whole night through,
Even if it's in our minds,
Thinking of what we used to do.
Though years may come and years may go,
And birthdays---one by one,
And, though each day we older get
We still can have our fun.
Just because we're growing older
Doesn't mean we must lose our senses
For, if our get up is getting up and going, We just change the verbal tenses.
We reminisce 'bout times gone by,
And of all the good wishes sent
By friends who wanted our get up to stay, (But instead of staying it went).
Now, as I said three verses ago
When this poem had just begun,
That, though each day, we older get,
We still can have our fun.
We kick up our heels as high as ever
And frolic the whole night through,
Even if it's in our minds,
Thinking of what we used to do.
BALD HEADED MEN
BALD HEADED MEN
Some men have a full head of hair;
With others there is a lack.
Those with abundance aren't always fair
And throw the bald ones a lot of flack,
Like---"an empty shack needs no roof",
Or---"granite grows no grass".
From such ones I stay aloof
For it sounds like belching gas.
To the first I say, "no roof lets in light, Therefore, I'm not in the dark.
To understand is pure delight".
That stops that vile remark.
To the next remark I simply say,
"You could have let that statement pass.
As well as granite, a brain is gray,
And a busy street grows no grass".
So, listen, all you bald headed men,
Don't be ashamed of your dome.
Don't accept a blow to your chin
Just because you need no comb.
'Cause next I say what the smart aleck dreads And all his remarks are smothered, "God only made a few perfect heads And those are the ones He uncovered".
By L. B. Strawn
October 22,1987
******************************************************
A JOURNEY
Some day I shall take a journey
Down "The River Of No Return",
To be tried without an attorney
By the judge of all, for whom I yearn.
The journey will not be unexpected,
But one I desire with all of my heart.
With proper preparation, I'll be protected From danger which might tear me apart.
If the book, called the bible, is true,
And I surely believe it to be,
The verdict which I know will ensue,
Is one which will set me free.
Free from the toils and burdens of life, Free from all sorrow and pain, Never to know earthly turmoil or strife; Never to feel any heartaches, again.
For the judge will be the son of God,
The loving savior whom we call Jesus,
Who came from heaven; on this earth He trod; In obeying His word, from sin He frees us.
So, at the end of the journey down that river, The righteous judge will greet me and smile, For He'll be the "Eternal Life" giver---- While living on earth was my trial!
Some men have a full head of hair;
With others there is a lack.
Those with abundance aren't always fair
And throw the bald ones a lot of flack,
Like---"an empty shack needs no roof",
Or---"granite grows no grass".
From such ones I stay aloof
For it sounds like belching gas.
To the first I say, "no roof lets in light, Therefore, I'm not in the dark.
To understand is pure delight".
That stops that vile remark.
To the next remark I simply say,
"You could have let that statement pass.
As well as granite, a brain is gray,
And a busy street grows no grass".
So, listen, all you bald headed men,
Don't be ashamed of your dome.
Don't accept a blow to your chin
Just because you need no comb.
'Cause next I say what the smart aleck dreads And all his remarks are smothered, "God only made a few perfect heads And those are the ones He uncovered".
By L. B. Strawn
October 22,1987
******************************************************
A JOURNEY
Some day I shall take a journey
Down "The River Of No Return",
To be tried without an attorney
By the judge of all, for whom I yearn.
The journey will not be unexpected,
But one I desire with all of my heart.
With proper preparation, I'll be protected From danger which might tear me apart.
If the book, called the bible, is true,
And I surely believe it to be,
The verdict which I know will ensue,
Is one which will set me free.
Free from the toils and burdens of life, Free from all sorrow and pain, Never to know earthly turmoil or strife; Never to feel any heartaches, again.
For the judge will be the son of God,
The loving savior whom we call Jesus,
Who came from heaven; on this earth He trod; In obeying His word, from sin He frees us.
So, at the end of the journey down that river, The righteous judge will greet me and smile, For He'll be the "Eternal Life" giver---- While living on earth was my trial!
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Preacher Jokes
A preacher stayed with a farm couple on a Saturday night before preaching on Sunday. The wife got up early to cook a huge breakfast, and then called her husband and the preacher. The preacher came down but said, "I never eat before I preach."
The man and woman ate, and then the woman and the preacher went on to church. The man stayed home.
When the wife returned her husband asked how the sermon was.
"He could have et first..." the woman said.
******************************************************
A man got up in the middle of the preacher's sermon and walked out. After services, his embarrassed wife sought to explain to the preacher.
"I hope you don't think he disagreed with what you said. He just has a tendency to walk in his sleep."
******************************************************
The preacher was waxing eloquent at the funeral of a departed church member. He concluded by saying, "What we have here is just the shell. The nut has gone on."
I think that might have been an illustration that got out of hand.
******************************************************
A bunch of "men of leisure" were sitting around a country store discussing the selection of a new pope, which was then in process. One old fellow listened for a while and then said, "Well, I think the Catholics have had it long enough. I hope a Baptist gets it this time."
******************************************************
Two fishermen were out in a boat on a Sunday morning, not having too much luck. One of them got to thinking about what they were doing and said, "I feel bad being out here fishing when I ought to be in church."
"Yes, I know how you feel," the other said, "but I couldn't have gone anyway. My wife's sick."
******************************************************
One man reported that his grandmother was so hooked on the TV soap operas that when one of the characters got sick, she'd stand up in church and ask for prayers for them...
******************************************************
This preacher had delivered what he thought was a great sermon, and he was feeling good on the way home.
"How many great preachers do you think there are preaching today?" he asked his wife.
"One less than you think," she answered.
******************************************************
From: a friend -- (it is only humor and I hope that you are not easily offended...) "Church Service"
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.?
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach".
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind. The preacher shouted out, "Cross" !
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross".
The preacher hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The preacher said, "Power". The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood".
The Preacher said, "Sex". The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden from way in the back of the church a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing " Precious Memories."
******************************************************
The man and woman ate, and then the woman and the preacher went on to church. The man stayed home.
When the wife returned her husband asked how the sermon was.
"He could have et first..." the woman said.
******************************************************
A man got up in the middle of the preacher's sermon and walked out. After services, his embarrassed wife sought to explain to the preacher.
"I hope you don't think he disagreed with what you said. He just has a tendency to walk in his sleep."
******************************************************
The preacher was waxing eloquent at the funeral of a departed church member. He concluded by saying, "What we have here is just the shell. The nut has gone on."
I think that might have been an illustration that got out of hand.
******************************************************
A bunch of "men of leisure" were sitting around a country store discussing the selection of a new pope, which was then in process. One old fellow listened for a while and then said, "Well, I think the Catholics have had it long enough. I hope a Baptist gets it this time."
******************************************************
Two fishermen were out in a boat on a Sunday morning, not having too much luck. One of them got to thinking about what they were doing and said, "I feel bad being out here fishing when I ought to be in church."
"Yes, I know how you feel," the other said, "but I couldn't have gone anyway. My wife's sick."
******************************************************
One man reported that his grandmother was so hooked on the TV soap operas that when one of the characters got sick, she'd stand up in church and ask for prayers for them...
******************************************************
This preacher had delivered what he thought was a great sermon, and he was feeling good on the way home.
"How many great preachers do you think there are preaching today?" he asked his wife.
"One less than you think," she answered.
******************************************************
From: a friend -- (it is only humor and I hope that you are not easily offended...) "Church Service"
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.?
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach".
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind. The preacher shouted out, "Cross" !
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross".
The preacher hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The preacher said, "Power". The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood".
The Preacher said, "Sex". The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden from way in the back of the church a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing " Precious Memories."
******************************************************
Saturday, August 28, 2004
*Grandpa And The Computer* & Short Ones
*Grandpa And The Computer*
The computer swallowed GrandpaYes honestly, its true.He pressed 'control' and 'enter'And disappeared from view.
It's devoured him completelyThe thought just makes me squirm.Maybe he's caught a virusOr been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle binAnd files of every kind.I've even used the internetBut nothing could I find.
I asked Jeeves in desperationMy searches to refine.The reply from him was negativeNot a thing was found online.
So, if someday in your 'InBox'My Grandpa you should see.Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' himIn an e-mail back to me.
******************************************************
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. She said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants," said the little boy.
******************************************************
Joe said: Did you hear about Jerry Falwell's accident?
Phil: No, what happened?
Joe: He was out walking his pet duck and a motorboat ran over him.
******************************************************
An old lady went to church and heard a young minister preach. When she got out, somebody asked her what she thought of his preaching.
She said, "He spoke in true apostolic style. He took a text and went everywhere preaching the gospel."
(Sen. Sam J. Ervin, Jr. Morganton, North Carolina).
******************************************************
A priest went home with a family of new converts to Catholicism for dinner. He was received cordially by all but the small daughter in the family, who stared at him unblinkingly throughout the meal. The priest, somewhat uncomfortable, tried to to put the little girl at ease.
"Is it my collar you are staring at?" he asked, taking it off and holding it up. When he did so he saw the cleaning instructions on the inside of the collar, and to make conversation, he asked, "Do you know what it says here?"
"Yes," responded the little girl. "It says, 'Kills fleas for six months."
******************************************************
A young preacher was invited into a church to preach a "trial sermon", with the understanding that he might be hired as the full-time preacher. He liked the looks of the church, and he liked the people.
Everything was fine at the beginning of the service, with the hymns and the prayer. As the young preacher mounted the pulpit, however, an old man came in, followed by a huge Redbone hound. He sat down on the front row, and his dog plopped down beside him. The young preacher thought this was unusual, but he read his text and launched his sermon, at which point the hound let out a huge yawn with a yip at the end. This interrupted the preacher, but he began again. The dog began to scratch a flea, his leg whacking the floor with each lick, and the preacher stopped again and asked if someone would take the dog outside. Neither the old man nor anyone else moved, so the preacher started in again. The dog let out a growl and a deep bark, disturbed at something he heard outside. Again the preacher stopped and again asked if someone would take the dog outside. When no one responded, he got down from the pulpit, took the dog by the collar, led him outside, and closed the door behind him.
Returning to the pulpit, he preached a pretty good sermon. After the service he asked the elders how he had done.
"Well," one of them said, "You preached a right good sermon. I believe you're all right there, but you really shouldn't have taken Old Man Johnson's dog out.
I know the dog disturbed you, but you know, Mr.
Johnson is a faithful member of this church and a very good giver. He always brings his dog to church. He loves that dog, and we're used to it, and it don't bother us to have him here. I think you ought to apologize to Mr. Johnson for throwing his dog out like that. I believe you better do that."
So the young preacher approached the old man outside and said, "I'm sorry I put your dog out. The elders told me how much you think of your dog and how you always bring him to church. I'm real sorry I did that, and I hope you'll accept my apology."
"Oh, that's all right," the old man said. "I wouldn't have wanted my dog to hear that sermon anyhow..."
**********************************
The computer swallowed GrandpaYes honestly, its true.He pressed 'control' and 'enter'And disappeared from view.
It's devoured him completelyThe thought just makes me squirm.Maybe he's caught a virusOr been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle binAnd files of every kind.I've even used the internetBut nothing could I find.
I asked Jeeves in desperationMy searches to refine.The reply from him was negativeNot a thing was found online.
So, if someday in your 'InBox'My Grandpa you should see.Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' himIn an e-mail back to me.
******************************************************
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. She said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants," said the little boy.
******************************************************
Joe said: Did you hear about Jerry Falwell's accident?
Phil: No, what happened?
Joe: He was out walking his pet duck and a motorboat ran over him.
******************************************************
An old lady went to church and heard a young minister preach. When she got out, somebody asked her what she thought of his preaching.
She said, "He spoke in true apostolic style. He took a text and went everywhere preaching the gospel."
(Sen. Sam J. Ervin, Jr. Morganton, North Carolina).
******************************************************
A priest went home with a family of new converts to Catholicism for dinner. He was received cordially by all but the small daughter in the family, who stared at him unblinkingly throughout the meal. The priest, somewhat uncomfortable, tried to to put the little girl at ease.
"Is it my collar you are staring at?" he asked, taking it off and holding it up. When he did so he saw the cleaning instructions on the inside of the collar, and to make conversation, he asked, "Do you know what it says here?"
"Yes," responded the little girl. "It says, 'Kills fleas for six months."
******************************************************
A young preacher was invited into a church to preach a "trial sermon", with the understanding that he might be hired as the full-time preacher. He liked the looks of the church, and he liked the people.
Everything was fine at the beginning of the service, with the hymns and the prayer. As the young preacher mounted the pulpit, however, an old man came in, followed by a huge Redbone hound. He sat down on the front row, and his dog plopped down beside him. The young preacher thought this was unusual, but he read his text and launched his sermon, at which point the hound let out a huge yawn with a yip at the end. This interrupted the preacher, but he began again. The dog began to scratch a flea, his leg whacking the floor with each lick, and the preacher stopped again and asked if someone would take the dog outside. Neither the old man nor anyone else moved, so the preacher started in again. The dog let out a growl and a deep bark, disturbed at something he heard outside. Again the preacher stopped and again asked if someone would take the dog outside. When no one responded, he got down from the pulpit, took the dog by the collar, led him outside, and closed the door behind him.
Returning to the pulpit, he preached a pretty good sermon. After the service he asked the elders how he had done.
"Well," one of them said, "You preached a right good sermon. I believe you're all right there, but you really shouldn't have taken Old Man Johnson's dog out.
I know the dog disturbed you, but you know, Mr.
Johnson is a faithful member of this church and a very good giver. He always brings his dog to church. He loves that dog, and we're used to it, and it don't bother us to have him here. I think you ought to apologize to Mr. Johnson for throwing his dog out like that. I believe you better do that."
So the young preacher approached the old man outside and said, "I'm sorry I put your dog out. The elders told me how much you think of your dog and how you always bring him to church. I'm real sorry I did that, and I hope you'll accept my apology."
"Oh, that's all right," the old man said. "I wouldn't have wanted my dog to hear that sermon anyhow..."
**********************************
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)