Two goobers

Two goobers who wanted to invest $100 they won in the lottery. They went to a watermelon farmer they knew and bought 100 watermelons at $1.00 each. After finding a good place to park and sell the watermelons from their truck bed, they started selling them at $1.00 each. When they sold that load they went back to the farmer for more.
After selling several truck loads they counted their money and realized they still had only $100. After counting it several more times to be sure, Charlie said to Bobbie Jo, "This is getting us nowhere! We're just not making any more money here. We sold all our watermelons but we still only have $100. Something's wrong but I surely can't figure it out. "
Finally Bobbie Jo said to Charlie, "You goober, I was gonna let you figure it out, but you're just too dumb since you didn't even finish the third grade. It's as plain as the nose on your ugly face that the only way we can make money is to get a bigger truck!"

A blonde from a small town

Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't.
If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"

Cafeteria Food

Cafeteria Food

Once when the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't
serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something,
so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and
jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a
home cooked meal!"

FELLOW CHRISTIAN

FELLOW CHRISTIAN: A preacher went hunting out in the woods, heard a noise behind him, turned, and there was a big bear reared up on his hind legs. The preacher cocked his gun, aimed, and pulled the trigger. The gun only clicked, and the bear started toward him. He dropped to his knees and prayed, "Lord, save me from this bear."
He looked up and the bear was still coming. He prayed again, "Lord, let this be a Christian bear."
He looked up again, and the bear was hunkered down praying, "Lord, bless this food for the needs of our body."

CHAIN PREACHERS

CHAIN PREACHERS: An elder received a letter that read, "If you are tired of your preacher, send a copy of this letter to seven other churches that are probably tired of their preachers. Then ship your preacher to the church at the top of the list. Add the name of your congregation to the bottom. In thirty days you will receive twenty-one hundred and seventy-eight preachers, and out of this many you ought to be able to choose one to suit you. Warning!
One church broke the chain and got their old preacher back..."

I WANT TO RESIGN

I WANT TO RESIGN

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy [Unable to display because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.
I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause.............."Tag! You're it."

Here is today's CleanPun.

Here is today's CleanPun.

A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?"
He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.
He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"
The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"

TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE

TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE

Age 5
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

Age 90
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92
I've learned that you should pass this on to someone
you care about. Sometimes they just need a little
something to make them smile.

Tried and true

Tried and true

Once a couple were celebrating their 30th Wedding Anniversary.the kids were all there and friends,so the Husband lifted his glass and said, "Wife we have been married and I must say you have been tried and true."
Well the wife had a hearing problem so she said, "Haaaaa whatd Ya say?"
So again he said, "Wife we been Married 50 yr's and you have been tried and true, well everyone thought that was so sweet but she got mad and threw her glass and said, "WELL after 50 Yr's I'm tired of you to!!!!!! "

Why Are You Here?

Why Are You Here?

Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. "I'm
here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the
eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun
violin lessons."

I'm a counsellor

I'm a counsellor who helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults.
Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.
I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.
Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford."
Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!"

ONE DAY AT A TIME

ONE DAY AT A TIME

You can only live one day at a time.
To try to do more makes it all out of rhyme.
It causes some fretting, as well as some worry, With all of the hustle, bustle and scurry.
Lighting the candle so it burns at both ends Brightens the darkness, but some trouble portends.
And, fails to erase the shadow of truth
Which makes twice the age and vanishes youth

BIRTHDAYS, ONE BY ONE

BIRTHDAYS, ONE BY ONE

Though years may come and years may go,
And birthdays---one by one,
And, though each day we older get
We still can have our fun.
Just because we're growing older
Doesn't mean we must lose our senses
For, if our get up is getting up and going, We just change the verbal tenses.
We reminisce 'bout times gone by,
And of all the good wishes sent
By friends who wanted our get up to stay, (But instead of staying it went).
Now, as I said three verses ago
When this poem had just begun,
That, though each day, we older get,
We still can have our fun.
We kick up our heels as high as ever
And frolic the whole night through,
Even if it's in our minds,
Thinking of what we used to do.

BALD HEADED MEN

BALD HEADED MEN

Some men have a full head of hair;
With others there is a lack.
Those with abundance aren't always fair
And throw the bald ones a lot of flack,
Like---"an empty shack needs no roof",
Or---"granite grows no grass".
From such ones I stay aloof
For it sounds like belching gas.
To the first I say, "no roof lets in light, Therefore, I'm not in the dark.
To understand is pure delight".
That stops that vile remark.
To the next remark I simply say,
"You could have let that statement pass.
As well as granite, a brain is gray,
And a busy street grows no grass".
So, listen, all you bald headed men,
Don't be ashamed of your dome.
Don't accept a blow to your chin
Just because you need no comb.
'Cause next I say what the smart aleck dreads And all his remarks are smothered, "God only made a few perfect heads And those are the ones He uncovered".
By L. B. Strawn
October 22,1987
******************************************************
A JOURNEY
Some day I shall take a journey
Down "The River Of No Return",
To be tried without an attorney
By the judge of all, for whom I yearn.
The journey will not be unexpected,
But one I desire with all of my heart.
With proper preparation, I'll be protected From danger which might tear me apart.
If the book, called the bible, is true,
And I surely believe it to be,
The verdict which I know will ensue,
Is one which will set me free.
Free from the toils and burdens of life, Free from all sorrow and pain, Never to know earthly turmoil or strife; Never to feel any heartaches, again.
For the judge will be the son of God,
The loving savior whom we call Jesus,
Who came from heaven; on this earth He trod; In obeying His word, from sin He frees us.
So, at the end of the journey down that river, The righteous judge will greet me and smile, For He'll be the "Eternal Life" giver---- While living on earth was my trial!

Preacher Jokes

A preacher stayed with a farm couple on a Saturday night before preaching on Sunday. The wife got up early to cook a huge breakfast, and then called her husband and the preacher. The preacher came down but said, "I never eat before I preach."
The man and woman ate, and then the woman and the preacher went on to church. The man stayed home.
When the wife returned her husband asked how the sermon was.
"He could have et first..." the woman said.
******************************************************
A man got up in the middle of the preacher's sermon and walked out. After services, his embarrassed wife sought to explain to the preacher.
"I hope you don't think he disagreed with what you said. He just has a tendency to walk in his sleep."
******************************************************
The preacher was waxing eloquent at the funeral of a departed church member. He concluded by saying, "What we have here is just the shell. The nut has gone on."
I think that might have been an illustration that got out of hand.
******************************************************
A bunch of "men of leisure" were sitting around a country store discussing the selection of a new pope, which was then in process. One old fellow listened for a while and then said, "Well, I think the Catholics have had it long enough. I hope a Baptist gets it this time."
******************************************************
Two fishermen were out in a boat on a Sunday morning, not having too much luck. One of them got to thinking about what they were doing and said, "I feel bad being out here fishing when I ought to be in church."
"Yes, I know how you feel," the other said, "but I couldn't have gone anyway. My wife's sick."
******************************************************
One man reported that his grandmother was so hooked on the TV soap operas that when one of the characters got sick, she'd stand up in church and ask for prayers for them...
******************************************************
This preacher had delivered what he thought was a great sermon, and he was feeling good on the way home.
"How many great preachers do you think there are preaching today?" he asked his wife.
"One less than you think," she answered.
******************************************************
From: a friend -- (it is only humor and I hope that you are not easily offended...) "Church Service"
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.?
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach".
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind. The preacher shouted out, "Cross" !
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross".
The preacher hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The preacher said, "Power". The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood".
The Preacher said, "Sex". The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden from way in the back of the church a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing " Precious Memories."
******************************************************

*Grandpa And The Computer* & Short Ones

*Grandpa And The Computer*
The computer swallowed GrandpaYes honestly, its true.He pressed 'control' and 'enter'And disappeared from view.
It's devoured him completelyThe thought just makes me squirm.Maybe he's caught a virusOr been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle binAnd files of every kind.I've even used the internetBut nothing could I find.
I asked Jeeves in desperationMy searches to refine.The reply from him was negativeNot a thing was found online.
So, if someday in your 'InBox'My Grandpa you should see.Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' himIn an e-mail back to me.
******************************************************

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. She said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

"Somebody else's pants," said the little boy.

******************************************************

Joe said: Did you hear about Jerry Falwell's accident?

Phil: No, what happened?

Joe: He was out walking his pet duck and a motorboat ran over him.

******************************************************

An old lady went to church and heard a young minister preach. When she got out, somebody asked her what she thought of his preaching.

She said, "He spoke in true apostolic style. He took a text and went everywhere preaching the gospel."
(Sen. Sam J. Ervin, Jr. Morganton, North Carolina).

******************************************************

A priest went home with a family of new converts to Catholicism for dinner. He was received cordially by all but the small daughter in the family, who stared at him unblinkingly throughout the meal. The priest, somewhat uncomfortable, tried to to put the little girl at ease.

"Is it my collar you are staring at?" he asked, taking it off and holding it up. When he did so he saw the cleaning instructions on the inside of the collar, and to make conversation, he asked, "Do you know what it says here?"

"Yes," responded the little girl. "It says, 'Kills fleas for six months."

******************************************************

A young preacher was invited into a church to preach a "trial sermon", with the understanding that he might be hired as the full-time preacher. He liked the looks of the church, and he liked the people.
Everything was fine at the beginning of the service, with the hymns and the prayer. As the young preacher mounted the pulpit, however, an old man came in, followed by a huge Redbone hound. He sat down on the front row, and his dog plopped down beside him. The young preacher thought this was unusual, but he read his text and launched his sermon, at which point the hound let out a huge yawn with a yip at the end. This interrupted the preacher, but he began again. The dog began to scratch a flea, his leg whacking the floor with each lick, and the preacher stopped again and asked if someone would take the dog outside. Neither the old man nor anyone else moved, so the preacher started in again. The dog let out a growl and a deep bark, disturbed at something he heard outside. Again the preacher stopped and again asked if someone would take the dog outside. When no one responded, he got down from the pulpit, took the dog by the collar, led him outside, and closed the door behind him.
Returning to the pulpit, he preached a pretty good sermon. After the service he asked the elders how he had done.

"Well," one of them said, "You preached a right good sermon. I believe you're all right there, but you really shouldn't have taken Old Man Johnson's dog out.
I know the dog disturbed you, but you know, Mr.
Johnson is a faithful member of this church and a very good giver. He always brings his dog to church. He loves that dog, and we're used to it, and it don't bother us to have him here. I think you ought to apologize to Mr. Johnson for throwing his dog out like that. I believe you better do that."

So the young preacher approached the old man outside and said, "I'm sorry I put your dog out. The elders told me how much you think of your dog and how you always bring him to church. I'm real sorry I did that, and I hope you'll accept my apology."

"Oh, that's all right," the old man said. "I wouldn't have wanted my dog to hear that sermon anyhow..."

**********************************

Hello.....

Hello.....

The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy
summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole
management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk. "Just answer the
phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor.
The phone rang. "Hello," said the clerk.
"Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end.
The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told
you everything I know!"

Short ones

******************************************************
What did the surprised hen say after laying a square egg? "Ouch!!!"
******************************************************
Two old timers were nodding off in their chairs at the nursing home. Their wives thought they'd play a little trick on them so they streaked by naked in front of the dozing men. Opening one eye, the first old timer said, "Henry, did you see what I just saw?"
"I'm not quite sure," replied Henry, "but whatsoever it was sure needed ironing."
******************************************************
One day a man went to see his friend on a farm. The friend showed him around, and when they came to the pigpen there was a pig with a wooden leg.
After a while the man asked his friend about the unusual pig. He was told, "One night that pig woke us up, busting down the door, squealing. The house was on fire. He saved our lives. Another time, my tractor overturned, pinning me to the ground. Nobody was around; I thought I was a goner. Well, here come that pig running. He grunted and pushed till he got the tractor off me."
"Amazing", the man told his farmer-friend, "but why the wooden leg?"
The farmer replied, "You don't eat a great pig like that all at one time..."
******************************************************
Joe, while walking down a country road one time, saw a man struggling to hold a pig up in a tree. Not wanting to appear nosey, he walked on by without saying a word. Later that day he came back down the same road and there was the same man still struggling to hold that pig up to a tree.
"My dear man", Joe said, "Isn't that a dreadful waste of time?"
The man replied, "What's time to a pig?"
******************************************************
Two men, who were known for their "less-than-truthful"
approach to reporting their lives, were bragging to each other one day. One said that he'd been ocean fishing and caught a 500-pound fish.
The second one said that he too had been fishing. He hooked what he thought was a big fish, but it turned out to be a lantern from the Titanic, and, he said, "It was still lit!"
The first one pondered this story for a minute and said, "I'll take 200 pounds off that fish I caught if you blow out the lantern."
******************************************************
A rural woman went into town to see if she could get a loan to build a bathroom in her house. She had never been in a bank, so she was nervous. She got right to the point with the bank president. "I want to borrow a thousand dollars to put a bathroom in my house."
The president was cautious and responded, "I don't believe I know you. Where have you done your business before?"
"Oh, out back in the pine thicket," she replied.
******************************************************
Young Politician:
A blacksmith was shaping red-hot horseshoes on his anvil and throwing them down on the ground to cool. A local boy wandered up, reached down, and picked up one of the half-cooled shoes. He quickly dropped it.
The blacksmith asked slyly, "Was it hot?" "No, it just dont take me long to look at a horseshoe."
******************************************************
The revenue officers came by this house in the mountains and asked a small boy where his daddy was.
"Making whiskey," the boy said.
"Where?"
"I'll show you for ten dollars," the boy said.
"Ok, let's go."
"Pay me first."
"No, we'll pay you when we get back," the revenuer said.
"You'll have to pay me now," the boy said, "'cause if you go up there, you ain't coming back!"
******************************************************

Marvin

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00am if you ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot.
A masked man stepped out from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap."

Why Universities Would Never Give God A PHD

Why Universities Would Never Give God A PHD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.