Short ones

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What did the surprised hen say after laying a square egg? "Ouch!!!"
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Two old timers were nodding off in their chairs at the nursing home. Their wives thought they'd play a little trick on them so they streaked by naked in front of the dozing men. Opening one eye, the first old timer said, "Henry, did you see what I just saw?"
"I'm not quite sure," replied Henry, "but whatsoever it was sure needed ironing."
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One day a man went to see his friend on a farm. The friend showed him around, and when they came to the pigpen there was a pig with a wooden leg.
After a while the man asked his friend about the unusual pig. He was told, "One night that pig woke us up, busting down the door, squealing. The house was on fire. He saved our lives. Another time, my tractor overturned, pinning me to the ground. Nobody was around; I thought I was a goner. Well, here come that pig running. He grunted and pushed till he got the tractor off me."
"Amazing", the man told his farmer-friend, "but why the wooden leg?"
The farmer replied, "You don't eat a great pig like that all at one time..."
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Joe, while walking down a country road one time, saw a man struggling to hold a pig up in a tree. Not wanting to appear nosey, he walked on by without saying a word. Later that day he came back down the same road and there was the same man still struggling to hold that pig up to a tree.
"My dear man", Joe said, "Isn't that a dreadful waste of time?"
The man replied, "What's time to a pig?"
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Two men, who were known for their "less-than-truthful"
approach to reporting their lives, were bragging to each other one day. One said that he'd been ocean fishing and caught a 500-pound fish.
The second one said that he too had been fishing. He hooked what he thought was a big fish, but it turned out to be a lantern from the Titanic, and, he said, "It was still lit!"
The first one pondered this story for a minute and said, "I'll take 200 pounds off that fish I caught if you blow out the lantern."
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A rural woman went into town to see if she could get a loan to build a bathroom in her house. She had never been in a bank, so she was nervous. She got right to the point with the bank president. "I want to borrow a thousand dollars to put a bathroom in my house."
The president was cautious and responded, "I don't believe I know you. Where have you done your business before?"
"Oh, out back in the pine thicket," she replied.
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Young Politician:
A blacksmith was shaping red-hot horseshoes on his anvil and throwing them down on the ground to cool. A local boy wandered up, reached down, and picked up one of the half-cooled shoes. He quickly dropped it.
The blacksmith asked slyly, "Was it hot?" "No, it just dont take me long to look at a horseshoe."
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The revenue officers came by this house in the mountains and asked a small boy where his daddy was.
"Making whiskey," the boy said.
"Where?"
"I'll show you for ten dollars," the boy said.
"Ok, let's go."
"Pay me first."
"No, we'll pay you when we get back," the revenuer said.
"You'll have to pay me now," the boy said, "'cause if you go up there, you ain't coming back!"
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Marvin

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00am if you ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot.
A masked man stepped out from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap."

Why Universities Would Never Give God A PHD

Why Universities Would Never Give God A PHD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

A couple

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explaining to the tazi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"*************************While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jason and his wife, Maureen, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. "He addressed the men, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Jason leaned over, touched Maureen's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Jason's life of celibacy*****************KEYS LOCKED IN THE CAR Some folks went to their local car dealer to pick up their new car.Unfortunately, as they arrived, they were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in the car. A mechanic was working feverishly to unlock the door.As the new owners looked on, one of them reached down and tried the passenger door. Wouldn't you know, it was unlocked. "Excuse me," said the new owner, "but this door is open.""Oh, I know," said the mechanic. "I already got *that* side."******************A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her why she wore the bracelet. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs. I get hives if I eat them,"The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"The girl said, "I don't know.... I don't eat cats."*****************A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting. The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was. An elderly woman drove the car. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green.She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." and she pointed to the right.The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ONLY ON RED!"*********************

Creative Accounting A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

An old fellow

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

Isn't It Strange ?

Isn't It Strange ?

Isn't it strange how a 20 dollar bill seems like such a large amount when you donate it to church, but such a small amount when you go shopping?
Isn't it strange how 2 hours seem so long when you're at church, and how short they seem when you're watching a good movie?
Isn't it strange that you can't find a word to say when you're praying, but you have no trouble thinking what to talk about with a friend?
Isn't it strange how difficult and boring it is to read one chapter of the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a popular novel?
Isn't it strange how everyone wants front-row-tickets to concerts or games, but they do whatever is possible to sit at the last row in Church?
Isn't it strange how we need to know about an event for Church 2-3 weeks before the day so we can include it in our agenda, but we can adjust it for other events in the last minute?
Isn't it strange how difficult it is to learn a fact about God to share it with others, but how easy it is to learn, understand, extend and repeat gossip?
Isn't it strange how we believe everything that magazines and newspapers say, but we question the words in the Bible?
Isn't it strange how everyone wants a place in heaven, but they don't want to believe, do, or say anything to get there?

Here is today's CleanPun.

Here is today's CleanPun.

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays awake all night wondering if there is a dog.

Quiet Please

Quiet Please
My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.
"Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the
way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."

Caution

Caution
A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were
discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as,
"Take with food," and "Take with water."
At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.
Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them
onto his chemistry textbook. It read: "Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

A parish priest

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic. Sooo.....the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Two bowling teams

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level. The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realized she didn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette asked, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes said, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

After about three weeks in basic training

After about three weeks in basic training, my husband's unit was not measuring up to expectations. The sergeant threatened to send them all back three weeks to start over.
Apparently, at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice. As the sergeant's threat hung in the air, an annoymous voice called out,
"How about sending us back FOUR weeks?"

At the construction site of a new church

At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen. "Patty," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?"
"That I did."
"And you are a bricklayer. It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren't divided equally, are they?"
"No, that they ain't," agreed Patty, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. "My poor brother couldn't do this to save his life."

Seven months pregent

Seven months pregent, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.
"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."
The man in front of me piped up, "You'd better get used to it now. Once those young 'uns get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."

The Plea

The Plea

Working for a Judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal
defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful.
To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold,
the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce.
As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet
entered his plea, proudly announced, "There are 28.3 grams in an ounce,
your honor."
His attorney advised him to plead guilty.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."

A honeymoon couple

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, asked "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!"
Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM FOOTBALL

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM FOOTBALL
PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. Foreign Language: What language is spoken in France?
2. History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. Religion: What religion is the Pope? (circle only
one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
5. Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
6. Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. Religion: How many commandments were Moses given?
(approximately)
8. Geography: What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9. American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.
11. Natural Science: Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky 12. Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no 13. Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?
14. Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Architecture: Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
17. Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
IMPORTANT! You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

*A Florida Blessing*

*A Florida Blessing* Bless this house, oh Lord, we cryPlease keep it cool in mid-July. Bless the walls where termites dine,While ants and roaches march in time.Bless our yard where spiders passFire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to pleaseCarpenter beetles,Ticks and fleas.Bless the love bugs, two by two,The gnats and mosquitoes that feedOn you millions of creatures that fly or crawl,In Florida, Lord, you've put ! them all!!But this is home,And here we'll stay,So thank you Lord,For insect spray

One blonde asks another:

One blonde asks another:
"Which is further, Vancouver... or the Moon?"
The other replies: " HELLOOOOO, can you see Vancouver????? ! ! ! ! !"