I HOPE THIS STORY ISN'T TRUE
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet
division for about a month when I had a customer with a problem I
just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other
colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only
true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a
combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color
in the rainbow printed except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete
and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers
for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of
troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the
printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try
printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow
construction paper?"
THE COLON AND THE SEMICOLON
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to
load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program.
My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no
good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that
every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the
"dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only
the very top of the key.
When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.
WORDS TO LIVE BY
"Lead your life so you won't be ashamed
to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."
Will Rogers Jr.
LOOK OUT, HONEY!!
A man listening to the radio hears that a car is headed the wrong way
on a highway, forcing people off the road. He realizes his wife is on
that highway and quickly calls her on her cell phone.
"Honey, watch out because a car is going the wrong way and running
people off the road!"
She screams back, "It's not just one car! There are thousands of them!"
Sunday, July 04, 2004
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Old age can be mean!!
Old age can be mean!!
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling HerHoney, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think
it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still
call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about
ten years ago."
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling HerHoney, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think
it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still
call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about
ten years ago."
OFFICE SUPPLIES
OFFICE SUPPLIES
- submitted by Hope
_____________________
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when
he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you
make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
- submitted by Hope
_____________________
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when
he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you
make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PERMISSION: Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if
you're REAL nice, you'll tell them you got it from
www.MikeysFunnies.com!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PERMISSION: Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if
you're REAL nice, you'll tell them you got it from
www.MikeysFunnies.com!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, July 02, 2004
An Assortment of hUMOR
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
------------------------------------------------------
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
------------------------------------------------------
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
------------------------------------------------------
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
------------------------------------------------------
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
Are ya havin' a Bad Day????
Are ya havin' a Bad Day????
Well, then, consider this...
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Well, then, consider this...
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
To all computer owners
To all computer owners
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
I Can Relate To This!
WRITE THINGS DOWN
A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things; they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen."
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You had better write it down 'cause you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!"
Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things; they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen."
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You had better write it down 'cause you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!"
Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Who is an American?
Who is an American?
You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is, so they would know when they found one. (Good on ya, mate!!!!)
An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as Native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.
An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.
Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America, the Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed.
These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place; they are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom.
Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.
You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is, so they would know when they found one. (Good on ya, mate!!!!)
An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as Native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.
An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.
Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America, the Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed.
These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place; they are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom.
Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.
An Old Favorite...
An Old Favorite...
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members) to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered to his bedroom.
As they entered his room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were flattered and touched that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
Finally the lawyer asked, "Preacher why did you ask ther two of us to come."
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly. "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members) to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered to his bedroom.
As they entered his room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were flattered and touched that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
Finally the lawyer asked, "Preacher why did you ask ther two of us to come."
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly. "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Humorous Saying
Humorous Saying - Author
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - unknown A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." - courtesy of Jack Shea, jshumor@exis.net A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it's not worth it. - J. Nowell A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. - unknown A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - unknown A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Sam Horn A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio (1553-1625) A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing. - unknown A flatterer never seems absurd: the flatter'd always takes his word. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) A friend in need is a pest. - Arthur Daley in the popular 1980's British sitcom, "Minder" - thanks to Rob A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. - unknown A man must serve his time in every trade except censure-critics are ready made. - Lord Byron
(1788-1824)
Happiness is merely the remission of pain. - unknown He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln, a gentle needle He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill, a gentle needle He has delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr, a gentle needle He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner about Earnest Hemingway. (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde, a gentle needle He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder, a gentle needle He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - John Bright, a gentle needle (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He is not only dull himself, but he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson, a gentle needle He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating, a gentle needle He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker, a gentle needle He that drinks beer, thinks beer. - Washington Irving
(1783-1859)
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He that would have a short Lent, let him borrow money to be repaid at Easter. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts, for support rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang, a gentle needle He who dies with the most toys is still dead. - unknown He's gone, and forgot nothing but to say farewell to his creditors. - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West, a gentle needle Housework done properly can kill you. - unknown How many observe Christ's birthday, how few his precepts. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. - unknown I can't be out of money, I still have checks left. - unknown I did not fall off the turnip truck just yesterday. - Terry Davis
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - unknown A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." - courtesy of Jack Shea, jshumor@exis.net A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it's not worth it. - J. Nowell A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. - unknown A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - unknown A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Sam Horn A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio (1553-1625) A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing. - unknown A flatterer never seems absurd: the flatter'd always takes his word. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) A friend in need is a pest. - Arthur Daley in the popular 1980's British sitcom, "Minder" - thanks to Rob A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. - unknown A man must serve his time in every trade except censure-critics are ready made. - Lord Byron
(1788-1824)
Happiness is merely the remission of pain. - unknown He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln, a gentle needle He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill, a gentle needle He has delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr, a gentle needle He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner about Earnest Hemingway. (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde, a gentle needle He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder, a gentle needle He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - John Bright, a gentle needle (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He is not only dull himself, but he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson, a gentle needle He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating, a gentle needle He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker, a gentle needle He that drinks beer, thinks beer. - Washington Irving
(1783-1859)
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He that would have a short Lent, let him borrow money to be repaid at Easter. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts, for support rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang, a gentle needle He who dies with the most toys is still dead. - unknown He's gone, and forgot nothing but to say farewell to his creditors. - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West, a gentle needle Housework done properly can kill you. - unknown How many observe Christ's birthday, how few his precepts. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. - unknown I can't be out of money, I still have checks left. - unknown I did not fall off the turnip truck just yesterday. - Terry Davis
Meddlin' Preacher
Meddlin' Preacher
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER!
TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER!
TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She descended to a lower altitude and spotted a man in
a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a
ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist; "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man; "You don't know where you are or where
you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect ME to solve your problem.
You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met,
but somehow, now it's MY fault."
She descended to a lower altitude and spotted a man in
a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a
ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist; "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man; "You don't know where you are or where
you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect ME to solve your problem.
You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met,
but somehow, now it's MY fault."
God Was Busy
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten
minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he
asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."
One Nation Under God
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten
minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he
asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."
One Nation Under God
More Kid Stuff
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Funnies
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
Police
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,"
she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,"
she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Kid Stuff
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Monday, June 28, 2004
Signs you might be an Alaskan
signs you might be an alaskan
1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.
8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.
9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.
12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.
20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
21. You find -60 F a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.
25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.
26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.
28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.
1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.
8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.
9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.
12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.
20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
21. You find -60 F a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.
25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.
26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.
28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.
New Quarters Recalled
Thanks to LBS: New Quarters Recalled
Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters.
If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters.
If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
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