Today's hUMOR

"Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 3"

11. Subject: Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

12. A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

13. Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy. "I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms Susie said. But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."

14. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

King Arthur's Unknown Knights

It is a little-known fact that King Arthur had more knights than is usually believed. They included:

~ Sir Face - the devastatingly handsome, but disappointingly shallow knight

~ Sir Pass - Arthur's best knight of all

~ Sir Port - A great help to all the other knights

~ Sir Culation - A knight who got around a bit - popular at parties

~ Sir Prise - the knight who could always be relied on to do the unexpected

~ Sir Vey - a watchful knight

~ Sir Monise - a rather long-winded and droning knight, but a good, moral sort

~ Sir Cuitous - a knight who approached his duties in a roundabout way

~ Sir Pose - a knight who stands by wild predictions

~ Sir Cumflex - a knight with a strange accent

~ Sir Cumvent - the evasive knight

~ Sir Reen - a calm and cheerful knight

~ Sir Spicious - a paranoid knight

~ Sir Real - a vague and insubstantial knight

~ Sir Cumstances - a knight whose fault it never was

Then there were the non identical twins - Winter Solstice and Summer Solstice - the longest and shortest knights.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

One Liner

"At my age, forget all the health food; I need all the preservatives I can get!"

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CleanQuote

"It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all."
~ James Thurber

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"Brighten Your Corner"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

We cannot all be famous
or be listed in "Who's Who",
But every person, great or small,
has important work to do.

For seldom do we realize
the importance of small deeds,
Or to what degree of greatness
unnoticed kindness leads.

For it's not the big celebrity
in a world of fame and praise,
But it's doing unpretentiously
in an undistinguished way

The work that God assigned to us,
unimportant as it seems,
That makes our task outstanding,
and brings reality to dreams.

So do not sit and idly wish
for wider, new dimensions
where you can put into practice
your many good intentions.

But at the spot God placed you
begin at once to do,
Little things to brighten up
the lives surrounding you.

If everybody brightened up
the spot where they're standing,
By being more considerate,
and a little less demanding,

This dark old world would very soon
eclipse the evening star,
If everybody brightened up
the corner where they are!
- Author Unknown

Today's hUMOR

"Laboratory Cells"

My mother works in a laboratory and is responsible for keeping tissue cultures alive. So that she won't forget, she writes "feed cells" on her calendar. One day she noticed that someone had scribbled in "take cells for a walk."

By the end of the month, a number of anonymous reminders had been added: "Take cells to Disneyland," "Cells on vacation," "Cells back" and, on Yom Kippur, "Jewish cells get the day off."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Rolex and Timex

A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Helloooooooooooooo," answered the girl. "They're watch dogs!"

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One Liner

"If Patrick Henry thought taxation was bad without representation... he should see it with!"

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CleanQuote

"A procrastinator's work is never done."

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Eat Chocolate?

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2
servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500
calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric
intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.

So ... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3
months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!

Today's hUMOR

If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday,
the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to
tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions,
while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon
Mobile and relocate gays to Puerto Rico." -Jimmy Kimmel



A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against
his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident
that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your
wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-
ified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the
wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the
midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in
the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,
'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Math Class

The test I gave my math class covered everything we'd studied all
year -- fractions, percentages and portions of whole units.

But maybe I could have explained things better. To the question "What
portion of a foot is six inches?"

One student answered, "The toes?"


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Swallowing a Coin

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat,
and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man
passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a
few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out.

"I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started.

"I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Tax Code

The U.S. Tax Code is pretty complex, but sometimes there are
little nuggets of clarity that really make sense. Yesterday
in my class we read from the Internal Revenue Code.

Section 708(a) of the Internal Revenue Code states: "...an
existing partnership shall be considered as continuing if it
is not terminated."

I guess it's just like an individual shall be considered as
alive if he or she is not dead.

Today's hUMOR

"Watch Your Hat and Overcoat"

The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat."

Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook.

Finally Moshe said, "You dope... stop watching our overcoats."

"I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out, the other in.
The one that's in sends players out one at a time to see if
they can get in before they get out. If they get out before
they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get
in before they get out, it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before
they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in
and the team in goes out to get those going in out before
they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times, the game is
over. The team with the most in without being out before
coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case,
the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they
get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins
out but one team has more in without being out before coming
in.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Loose Fitting Clothing"

April teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to just wear loose fitting clothing to the class.

"Honey," the lady replied, "if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't be signing up for an exercise class."

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CleanPun

"Archaeologists will date any old thing"

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One Liner

"The police have stopped my husband so many times for speeding, they decided to just give him a season ticket."

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CleanQuote

"Pay attention, boy. I'm cutting but you ain't bleeding." ~ Foghorn Leghorn

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"Family Devotions Review"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

In our family devotions, we did a study on King Asa, out of 2 Chronicles. Later in the day, we were reviewing what we had learned.

When asking my seven year-old what book in the Bible we find the story of King Asa, he responded, "Second Chronicles of Narnia!

Today's hUMOR

"Vow Changes"

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.

"You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion."

@@@@@@@@@@

"Tub Baptism"

A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all of her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own "baptism."

As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, "Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose."

@@@@@@@@@@

CleanPun

"When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate."

@@@@@@@@@@

One Liner

"One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him."

@@@@@@@@@@

CleanQuote

"The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map."

@@@@@@@@@@

Today's hUMOR

Hot Fudge?

I went into Dairy Queen the other day and asked
for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

The clerk behind the counter replied, "Sorry. The
hot fudge only comes in one temperature."


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Tax Collectors

A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under
his arm.

"Do you serve tax collectors?" he asks the barman.

"Of course," says the barman.

"Well," replies the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator
will have a tax collector."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Today's hUMOR

Mom's Fish

I took my mother on a fishing excursion yesterday. Nobody was having
any luck. After drifting for hours without so much as a nibble, who
should hook into one but my Mom.

Everyone on the boat was excited, cheering the old woman on and
telling her to take her time.

Finally she lifted the fish into the boat, picked it up, removed the
hook, looked at it up and down, and then tossed it back into the water.

I was stunned. I said, "Mom, why did you throw that fish back into the water?"

"I don't know. To me it just didn't look fresh."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Solid to Gas"

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer).

A previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

You can rate this joke at:

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CleanPun

"I have a sore throat, Doctor. I ache, I have a fever."

"Sounds like a virus."

"Everyone in the office has it."

"Well then, maybe it's a staff infection."

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One Liner

"Red meat is not bad for you - it's green fuzzy meat that's bad for you"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

CleanQuote

"There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world, and that is an idea whose time has come."
~Victor Hugo

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

ATMs

For most men:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card, and receipt

For some women:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least two minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in first
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel three miles
41. Release hand brake

Today's hUMOR

Why Did ...

Why did the reporter go to the ice cream parlor?
He wanted a scoop.

Why did the clown go to the doctor?
He was feeling a little funny.

Why did the boy take a hammer to bed with him?
He wanted to hit the sack.

Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?
He wanted to put something away for a rainy day!

Why did the elephants at the circus go on strike?
They were tired of working for peanuts.

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"Signs You Are an Elementary School Teacher"

You are probably an elementary school teacher if:

~ You ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home.

~ You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table.

~ You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends.

~ You hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes.

~ You declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line.

~ You ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction.

~ You sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book.

~ You say everything twice. I mean, you repeat everything.

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CleanPun

Washable: What a cowboy does very carefully.

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One Liner

"I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption."

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CleanQuote

"Motivation is the art of getting people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it."
~Dwight D. Eisenhower

Today's hUMOR

"Makeup Routine"

Every morning, a little girl would go in the bathroom to watch Mommy as she was putting on her makeup to go to work.

But this certain morning when Mom turned to leave the bathroom, the little girl loudly said, "Mom, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!"

&&&&&&&&&&

"The Law of Parenthood"

There is the Law of Gravity - and then, there is the Law of Parenthood

- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

- The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

- A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

Baseball umpires want salary hikes.
The response from the owners is, "Yikes!
Can't afford increased pay."
So the union does say,
"Then our recourse is calling more strikes."
~ Kirk Miller

 &&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

Maury and his wife showed up to a very popular restaurant, but it was very crowded. Mrs. Maury went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?"

The hostess appeared to ignore her and kept writing in her book. So she asked again, "How much of a wait?"

The hostess then looked up and said, "About ten minutes."

A short time later they heard an announcement over the loudspeaker, "Willete B. Long, your table is ready."

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One Liner

"Don't you hate it when people can't sphel? "

&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"I've spent most of my life golfing - the rest I've just wasted"

&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Don't you hate it when people can't sphel? "

&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"A church member waiting to be asked to serve in his own church is just like the member of a family waiting to be invited to pull weeds in front of the house where he lives."

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CleanQuote

"No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store."

Today's hUMOR

"Overdue at the Movies"

Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.

Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"

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CleanPun

My niece told all her little friends with pride that she had seen a man-eating shark at the aquarium, to which one of them replied, "That's nothing! I saw a man eating shrimp at Long John Silver's."
~Charles Wukasch

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One Liner

"My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine."

&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience."

Today's hUMOR

"Signs You Are an Elementary School Teacher"

You are probably an elementary school teacher if:

~ You ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home.

~ You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table.

~ You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends.

~ You hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes.

~ You declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line.

~ You ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction.

~ You sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book.

~ You say everything twice. I mean, you repeat everything.

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CleanPun

Washable: What a cowboy does very carefully.

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One Liner

"I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption."

 %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanQuote

"Motivation is the art of getting people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it."
~Dwight D. Eisenhower

Today's hUMOR

What if God Had Voice Mail

We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary
part of modern life. But have you wondered what would happen
if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and
hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one
of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.

I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will
be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on
the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, Press 1
Jesus, Press 2
The Holy Spirit, Press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you
are holding, please press 4.

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven,
Press 5, enter his or her social security number, and then
press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try
area code 666.)

For reservations at "My Father's House," please enter
J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions
about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's ark
is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is closed
for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray
again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance
when this office is closed, contact your local pastor.


Thank God He doesn't have voice mail and that He listens
when we pray!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
World's Thinnest Books

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ACTING by Keanu Reeves

HOW TO GET A TAN WITH A BLOWTORCH

THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

Today's hUMOR

Dig a Hole

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet
deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and
explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be
needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem.
He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole
without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and
explained his problem.

The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these
days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to
dig that hole deeper!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&
A Wrinkle in Time

My husband and I both look very young for our ages. In fact, we've
hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes on each other in college
-- at least, that's what we tell each other. Our children have a way
of bringing us crashing back to earth.

Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who was running for
public office.

"He's a Vietnam Vet," commented my husband.

"What's that?" queried our young daughter.

Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old could readily
grasp, my husband replied, "Well, Honey, that means that the man
fought in a war that happened when Mommy and Daddy were little."

Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a moment, then asked
"So, was he a Viking?"

Today's hUMOR

"According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve
of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once
they graduate and try to find a job." -Jay Leno

                            ***

"Last year, Chewbacca threw out the first pitch for opening
day. He was 'Wookiee of the Year.'" -Craig Ferguson

                            ***

"A message in a bottle was found in Russia, 24 years after
it was written. Unfortunately, the note said, 'Help! Stranded
with enough food for exactly 23 years.'" -Jimmy Fallon

  In the Band

I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South
Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals
who arrived on our base.

One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the
radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon,
he sent us scrambling to the flight line with
instruments.

One of the musicians had also heard the radio
announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered
conference. When they returned, the officer told us the
performance was canceled. There was no arriving general.

We had almost played for the weather forecast.

                          ***

Today's hUMOR

Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of
global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of
New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New
Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien



Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband,
Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth
and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard
an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. "Thank God
you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this
alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought
I was dragging you down the highway."

"And you didn't stop?"
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A Trip to the Park

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa
Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that
he was lost in the park ... and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said Grandma, "You've been going to that park for over
30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris
whispered, "I wasn't lost ... I was just too tired to walk home."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
A Case of the Flu

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his
doctor for to get an appointment.

When he was told the scheduled date of the appointment, he
became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't
see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have
your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

Today's hUMOR

I sit in a little cubicle farm with six women and Steve
from The Daily Groaner. Okay, six and a half women. Any-
way, I've always felt like a bit of an outsider because
I could never understand most of their conversations, but
I think I may have finally figured it out.

I feel like Jane Goodall when she was finally able to
communicate with the gorillas in their unspoken language.
I understand it now.

It revolves largely around four principal topics, those
being; What day is it? What are we having for lunch? When
are we leaving for lunch? And, What is on TV tonight.

Combinations of these four interrogatives comprises the
bulk of the conversations that occur between the women in
the office.

Now that I understand the way the tribe communicates I can
begin decoding their language. And if I find out that they
are really only discussing what day it is, what they are
having for lunch and what is on TV tonight I am going to be
really upset.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of
global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of
New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New
Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien



Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband,
Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth
and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard
an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. "Thank God
you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this
alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought
I was dragging you down the highway."

"And you didn't stop?"

Today's hUMOR

Absent-Minded Lawyers

---

---

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials.

The following true exchange says it all:

Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?"

Doctor: "That's correct."

Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?"

Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy."

Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?"

Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short time later."

Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"

Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially."

Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room."

Doctor: "That is what the records indicate."

Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?"

Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorrhaging in the chest area and that was the cause of death."

Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?"

Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!"

 *********

Absent-Minded Professor

---

---

An absent-minded professor was on board a train and he was unable to find his ticket.

The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket.

The conductor said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off." 

**********

Accents

---

---

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?" 

**********

The Accident

---

---

My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Today's hUMOR

"First Salute"

The first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige.

When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.

He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir."

&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

"How's Business?" asked the bystander.
Said the street cleaner, "Things are picking up."

&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand."

 &&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"Common sense isn't."

&&&&&&&&&&

Today's hUMOR

"A Dollar Per Point"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

&&&&&&&&&&

"A Dollar Per Point"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it."

&&&&&&&&&&

No Parking

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space
with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper
that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't
park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. 'Lead us not
into temptation.'"

Today's hUMOR

"Teenaged Daughter Owner's Manual"

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because they don't like using the same kind of soap their mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and like he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you.

Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for goodness sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

"At the awards show, the movie star's new and outrageous hairdo became the mane attraction."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? "

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"To be nobody-but-myself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."
~ E.E. Cummings (In "Selected Letters," 1955)

Today's hUMOR

Bakery Robbery

My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a
gunman burst in and demanded all the cash.

As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of
coins in the back of the register.

"Do you want the rolls too?" she asked.

"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."

*****
Grocery Math

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton
and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied,
"One."
*****.
Toilet Seat

I bought a great new toilet seat recently. On the label was a
suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."

Today's hUMOR

"Morning Kiss"

A farmer and his wife had just awakened one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"

"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that? "

The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

*****

CleanPun

"Once the new hive was done the bees had a house swarming party."

 *****

CleanPun

"Once the new hive was done the bees had a house swarming party."

 *****

CleanQuote

"Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing. It's when you've had everything to do, and you've done it."
~Margaret Thatcher

*****

As my grandfather was always dropping pearls on me. One of
the gems he gave me was, "TZ, marry a woman with small
hands. It makes your dick look bigger."  But the one that
just popped into my head is, "TZ, getting old ain't for
pussies." And lately, as I feel the effects of 47 years of
crawling around on this dirt, I've come to appreciate his
wisdom.

I've been suspecting that I'm getting old, but something
just happened to prove it. I walked into the office,
sarcastically thanked our tri-athlete IT guy for the donuts
he brought in, told the other IT guy that we were going to
nail him to a cross for a mistake he made causing the email
system to send duplicate order confirmation emails out to
a bunch of our customers, then told the head of customer
service that I would bang her for two hours to make up for
the extra telephone calls the IT guy's mistake caused. No,
that's not what made me feel old. That's all just part of a
normal day.

What made me feel old is when I sat down into my chair I sat
on my own balls.

Jumpingly,

TZ

*****

Today's hUMOR

"Best 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies"

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

**********

"Accountancy Exam"

Dewey wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of pop and then I give you another two bottles of pop, how many bottles of pop have you got?
Dewey: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Dewey: I've already got one rabbit at home!

**********

CleanPun

Two horses were galloping along when one stumbled and landed on its side.

After a number of tries the tumbled equine finally regained his footing, but when he tried to run to catch up to his buddy he found he couldn't even trot.

Calling after his friend he neighed, "I've fallen and I can't giddy-up!"

**********

One Liner

"I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone 'hands free' - now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive."

**********

CleanQuote

"What if God is asking us for a sign?"

Today's hUMOR

Dress the Part

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress
the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.

"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"

"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive
$500 cars."

**********
Taxi Driver

Bernard Lind was retired, but took odd jobs to make a
little extra money. One of his jobs was a taxi driver.

The cab company had a sign posted in all their cars
saying, "Your driver is: ______"

Bernie always got a kick out of watching his rider's
reactions when they read, "Your driver is: B.LIND."

**********
Humor in Uniform

When my best friend, James, came home on his first Army
leave, my little brother asked him what he did in the
service. "I do calisthenics, shoot guns, and follow orders,"
James replied.

Walking in town that day, James and I ran into a buddy who
also asked him what he did in the Army. James gave the same
reply: "I do calisthenics, shoot guns, and follow orders."

A while later, we met a former classmate, an attractive
woman, and she asked the same question. This time, James
said, "I'm studying communications, learning foreign
languages, and traveling around the world."

Today's hUMOR

"Church Bulletin Bloopers"

The following have all genuinely appeared in church bulletins!

* Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.

* Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale; it is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang, 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

* The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Carbohydrates: The stuff that makes food taste good."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"Let the power of love replace the love of power."

Todays hUMOR

Feeding the Baby

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns
to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his
head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't
you pretend I'm not at home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my
husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for
lunch?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
In the Bathroom

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother
thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about
every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet
seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his
right hand.

His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in there for a while."

Billy says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone yet."

Mother says, "Okay, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but
Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says, "Works for ketchup!"

XXXXXxXXXXXXXXXXXX
Flight Engineer in Panama

As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for
several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since
I began my air force flying career, my mother has been
concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from
her expressing her anxiety.

But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words:
"KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM."

Today's hUMOR

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The
wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now."
Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his
wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said.

"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so I'll write it
down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the
gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and
eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down
because you forgot the toast."

**********

"Open Microphone"

While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."

**********

CleanPun

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

**********

One Liner

“It must be tough going through life with a short - hey look, there goes a butterfly!”

**********

CleanQuote

"He who dies with the most toys is still dead."

Today's hUMOR

"Morning Run"

The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run."

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."

**********

Two Keys Hang

Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.

Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."

**********

One Liner

Why should I learn algebra? I have no intention of ever going there.

 **********

CleanQuote

"Worry is the darkroom in which negatives are developed."

**********

Today's Illustration - "Psalm 23 Summary"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.

A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."

She bowed again and went and sat down.

That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.

**********

Todays hUMOR

"The Mayor's Burden"

One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law's political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer.

The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey, do you know who I am?"

The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor's office. "Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that his brother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name."

**********

CleanPun

A store detective is a counter spy.

 *********

One Liner

“All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power

**********

CleanQuote

“Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.”

**********

Today's hUMOR

Dog Report

Craig's two kids are in the same class at school, and the teacher had
the class write reports about their pets. After the reports were all
turned in, the teacher called one of the youngsters up to her desk
and scolded him.

"This report on 'My Dog' is exactly, word for word, the same as your
brother's. Did you copy from him?"

He replies, "No Ma'am. It's about the same dog."

*************
Poisoned Apple

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White and
The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen
appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and
my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a
bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground
unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter
spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

**************
Feeding the Baby

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some
strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere,
especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring
into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on
another."

Todays hUMOR

"Police Report"

A motorist collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the police report were:

Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn.

Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo.

***********************

CleanPun

Where are delinquent disk drives sent?
Boot camp!

***********************

One Liner

“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”

***********************

CleanQuote

To truly BELIEVE in God, one must first want to LEAVE his selfish desires behind and want to BE the person God wants to mold him into.

Then God can mold him to BE that person who can LEAVE the past behind.

**********************

I'm Thirsty

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later: "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"

"No, you had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"

Five minutes later: "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of
water?"

Todays hUMOR

"Empty Nest Syndrome"

You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if.....

You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.

You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.

You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.

You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.

The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.

They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.

You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.

You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.

Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.

You still hide your best make-up.

*************

Careless Clifford

Clifford Clarke was a careless chap.

Every hostess hated him. They feared for their precious porcelain and good furniture whenever this emulator of a china shop bull appeared. His reputation spread and eventually he became a pariah. No one would ask him to a party for fear of damage.

Then one charitable, kindly woman felt sorry for him. "C. C. can't be all that bad," she said. "The poor soul deserves one more chance."

So she sent an invitation to the loutish fellow and to display her faith further, she put on her finest dress for the occasion.

Clifford arrived on the dot and for the first hour managed to avoid disaster. It was not until refreshments were served that the customary accident happened. He spilled his entire cup of black coffee over his hostess' evening dress which she had bought that summer in Paris for a lot of money.

Tearfully gazing at her ruined gown, flushed with anger, she turned on her clumsy guest and exclaimed: "Go, and never darken my Dior again!"

**************

One Liner

“Keyboard not detected - press F1 to continue.”

**************

CleanQuote

“You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
~Nora Ephron

Today's hUMOR

24 Hour Service

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched the small
Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which
read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for
my suit tomorrow."

"Won't be ready until Saturday," replied the proprietor.

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only
work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today,
eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

***************
VIP Impression

My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All
production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
**************
Angry Senator

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue,
explodes one day in mid session and begins to shout, "Half of this
Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his
statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a
long pause, the angry member accepted.

"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Now I will go on the record
and state that half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and
corrupt politicians!"

Today's hUMOR

"Thoughts on Golfing"

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you'll go out and for no reason at all you'll really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt," you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

**********

"Eating Out"

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

**********

Coupon Heaven

While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK, it's in coupon heaven now."

“Coupon heaven?" the checker said.

"Yes," the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die."

"Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

**********

One Liner

"The main problem with mental notes is the ink fades so fast."

**********

CleanQuote

“Aspire to inspire before you expire.”

Today's hUMOR

I'm Smart

My dad gave me one dollar bill
'Cause I'm his smartest son,
And I swapped it for two shiny quarters
'Cause two is more than one!

And then I took the quarters
And traded them to Lou
For three dimes--I guess he didn't know
That three is more than two!

Just then, along came old blind Bates
And just 'cause he can't see
He gave me four nickels for my three dimes,
And four is more than three!

And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs
Down at the seed-feed store,
And the fool gave me five pennies for them,
And five is more than four!

And I went and showed my dad,
And he got red in the cheeks
And closed his eyes and shook his head--
Too proud of me to speak!

Received from Timothy Anger.

************
Old Mason and his wife are throwing a theme party this
Saturday night. That must be a consequence of being married.
Themes, not parties. Back in the day we never had themes. We
had lots of beer. Frequently a barbecue or maybe a turkey in
the oven. And occasionally vomiting. But never a theme.

But, I'm not prejudiced.

So the theme is The 1980s. I told the girlfriend about it
and she became all excited about putting an 80s-style outfit
together; speculating on where she can buy leg-warmers and
how much it would cost to "crimp" her hair.

"Do you have any 80s style clothes?" she asked me.

"All of my clothes are 80s style," I told her. "My fashion
sense hasn't changed much in 25 years."

Today's hUMOR

"Sugar Packets Announcement"

The Building Committee has been informed that opened sugar packets are being found in the nursery area.

We have had some serious problems with ants in the past and would like to avoid any recurrences if possible.

Coffee drinkers, please dispose of these packets properly.

If you are a coffee drinker but can't read yet, please have your parents explain this to you.

************************

CleanPun

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
~Mitch Hedberg

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One Liner

“If a line is the shortest distance between two points, why does waiting in line take so long?"

*************************

CleanQuote

“The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.”
~Helen Hayes (at 73)

Today's hUMOR

Great News

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from
work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to
be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness. Kissing his
wife, he said, "Oh, darling, I'm the happiest man in the
world."

But then she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way because
tomorrow morning my mother is moving in with us."

**********
Potential Juror

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery
case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering
questions from both sides.

The prosecutor asked had I ever been mugged?
Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach.
"I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do
you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the
defense attorney quipped.

"No" I shot back. "You better watch your
acting."

I was excused from the case.

**********
Historic Recall

Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the
discovery of America by Columbus.

She concluded with, "And all this happened more than 500 years ago."

"Wow!" exclaimed one student, "What a great memory you have!"

Today's hUMOR

"Sightseeing at Alcatraz"

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a sightseeing boat to Alcatraz Prison. The children weren't good at waiting: they fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window.

"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

**********

CleanPun

"When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds."

**********

One Liner

“I hope I live to be as old as my jokes.”

**********

Today's hUMOR

Down South Bumper Stickers

- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.

- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

- I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

- So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

- I'm just driving this way to tork you off.

- Keep honking, I'm reloading.

***********************************
ID Required

My friend Bev and her husband were fixing their roof.
As soon as they started, they realized they needed more
supplies, so Bev grabbed the checkbook, jumped into her
car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest lumberyard.

After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the
cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo
ID." the clerk said.

"I don't have one on me," Bev replied.

The cashier called over the manager who examined the check.
Then the manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon
lady in your town?"

Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson."

"I think you can take her check," the smiling manager said
to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother."

*******************************
George Washington

Few people realize that George Washington was originally
from Texas -- West Texas, to be exact. The family had a lone
mesquite tree in their yard. One day George cut it down.
When his father came home, he saw the tree was cut down and
asked George if he had cut down the lone mesquite tree.
George said, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. I cut down the
mesquite tree."

Whereupon, his father called out to Mrs. Washington, "Get
packed, dear. We are moving to Virginia. George is never
going to make it in Texas if he can't tell a lie."

Today's hUMOR

"Largest Amphibious Assault"

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"

Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

CleanPun

“If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?”

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One Liner

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.”

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Today's hUMOR

"Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce
traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption
laws?" -Jay Leno

                            ***

"The number of shark attacks around the world increased by
25 percent. With the economy like it is, more and more
sharks are turning to crime." -Jimmy Kimmel

                            ***

"The whole world has Justin Bieber fever. It's what happens
whenever a pop frenzy becomes a disease. There was also
Beatle Mania, the Miley Cyrus Virus, and the Hasselhoff
Cough." -Craig Ferguson
*********************
Barbecue Forks

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights
flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where
we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They
glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.....

We were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

Today's hUMOR

"Signs You Need a New Pizza Place"

~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.

~ The delivery kid is packing.

~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.

~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.

~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"

~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.

~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.

~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hot-Line.

~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."

~ Their slogan is, "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."

~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.

~ Your order of bread sticks is simply the uneaten crust from old pizza slices.

~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

CleanPun

I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.

"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.

"Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

One Liner

A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

CleanQuote

“The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.”

Today's hUMOR

Illegal Hookup

In my work for a cable TV company, I frequently encounter
illegal hookups. One day I arrived at a repair job just
as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed
the way where the TV was located and then walked out to get
her groceries and the mail.

I noticed that there was a note on the TV:
"Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes.
Love, Steve."
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

City Fisherman

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a
small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his
tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man
rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice
the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the
surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them
into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give
you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked,
"By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.