You Gotta Love Alabama
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage
out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why
are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see
that sign right over your head".
Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says 'Fine ForDumping Garbage'.
*************** A senior at Auburn was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Alabama because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
************ An Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?' The driver replied, 'Got any I.D. bout whut?'************
A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, andproceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behindit.Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as hedrove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.The man replied, 'I got a flat tare.'The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
*********************
'Ya can say what ya want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wantin’ ta retire ta the North.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Fax Hint"
As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him quite simple.
When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, "Well, I would, but it's the only copy I have."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes - there's just too much fraternizing with the enemy."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Anti-Gravity"
I found a very interesting book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Golf Lessons”
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go.
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup.
The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Suspect got away clean, almost
WICHITA, Kan. (UPI) -- A man who broke into a house Wichita, Kansas, fled in his underwear after the homeowner showed up unexpectedly and caught him doing his laundry, police said. Investigators said the suspect, described as a white male in his 30s, is believed to have entered the home by breaking a basement window, The Telegraph reported Monday. The homeowner said the burglar was startled when she returned home, and high-tailed it out of there wearing just his blue boxer shorts -- and grabbing her purse on his way. The woman said she managed to chase the intruder and recover her purse but he half-naked suspect slipped away.
///
NYC turtlenapping: 1 count or 2?
NEW YORK (UPI) -- A Brooklyn, N.Y., pet-store owner is appealing to a shoplifter who made off with his two-headed turtle to bring back the missing reptile. Sean Casey told the New York Post the turtle has special needs, such as having to be hand fed to prevent fights between heads over food. The turtle disappeared Sunday from a tank at Casey's Hamilton Dog House while Casey was with a customer. "I grew up in the neighborhood and I know most of the people here," he said. "I did not expect it in this neighborhood." To add insult to injury, the Post said, Casey had to convince New York's finest over at the local precinct that he wasn't pulling their legs when he reported the theft.
///
Bride and groom arrested at reception
LAKESIDE, Mich. (UPI) -- A wedding reception in Lakeside, Mich., ended with the bride and groom spending the night in separate jail cells after a melee, police said. Investigators said Andy Somora, 29, and Anna Pastuszwska, 28, both formerly of Chicago, were shocked with police stun guns and arrested at the July 19 reception at Burnison Galleries after police officers from 14 departments were called to calm things down, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. "The short version of the story is they didn't want to quit their partying," said Mike Sepic, Berrien County's chief assistant prosecutor. "If you put this in the class of wedding receptions gone bad, I guess this would take the cake." Somora's father, uncle, aunt and cousin also were arrested. Somora pleaded guilty late last month to a felony charge of resisting and obstructing police. The groom, who also was charged with disturbing the peace, could face imprisonment at his Sept. 15 sentencing for the felony charge. Pastuszwska pleaded guilty to a reduced charge after she was initially accused of resisting and obstructing. She was fined $600.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
You Might Be a New Englander if...
Forget Rednecks ... here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say
about New Englanders...
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through
May, you live in New England.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and
they don't work there, you live in New England.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live
in New England.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone
who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City
for the weekend, you live in New England.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than
once, you live in New England.
If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day
and back again, you live in New England.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a
raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but
leave both unlocked, you live in New England.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows
how to use them, you live in New England.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit, you live in New England.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going
80, and everybody is passing you, you live in New England.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow, you live in New England.
If you know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still
winter, and road construction, you live in New England.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,
you live in New England.
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly," you live in New
England.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to
all your New England friends, you live in New England.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
hUMOR For Sept. 2nd
Ancient Telephone Networks
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years
and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had
a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed,
English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly
after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English
archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire
and have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish
newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep
as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
Ireland had already gone wireless."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Ugly lamps star of Kentucky State Fair
LOUISVILLE, Ky. (UPI) -- Lamps so ugly most people wouldn't dare dream to decorate their homes with them were the toast of the town at this year's Kentucky State Fair, organizers say. Patty Schnatter, who served as master of ceremonies for Lynn's Paradise Cafe's Ugly Lamp Contest at the fair Saturday, said contestants from various states produced lamps of unspeakable horrors in pursuit of first place, The (Louisville, Ky.) Courier-Journal reported. "We really have a good time with it. It's a blast," Schnatter said. "You never know what will come in." One lamp entered by Chris McQueen of Jeffersonville, Ind., featured a variety of holiday and celebratory themes and the participant said he was shocked his "hideous" entry fell short of a top spot. "I thought for sure we had it in the bag," McQueen said. "I mean, this thing is hideous." The Courier-Journal said the grand prize went to a lamp with an American eagle base and a shade made of old ties.
///
War re-enactment all wet with squirt-guns
BOSTON (UPI) -- A group of young Bostonians recreated a Civil War battle with squirt-guns as part of an ongoing attempt to bring wackiness to the city, witnesses say. Witness Tamara Wexler said when she saw people dressed in the blue and gray uniforms of Civil War-era soldiers on a Boston esplanade, she was instantly intrigued, The Boston Globe reported. "I was just waiting for them to clash," the 37-year-old said of Saturday's event. "We couldn't leave until we saw it." Armed with trusty squirt-guns instead of rifles, the two forces eventually clashed for nearly 10 minutes of watery "carnage." The event was part of a series of public pranks by Banditos Misteriosos, a group of twenty-somethings that has been staging elaborate, yet ridiculous, escapades in Boston since forming last December. The Globe said the group once staged a pillow fight involving more than 50 people in the middle of downtown Boston.
///
Rejected Scott works to be published
EDINBURGH, Scotland (UPI) -- A Scottish university press has resurrected Sir Walter Scott's last two works, written after he had three strokes and rejected for publication by his family. "The Siege of Malta" and the never completed "Bizarro" were written in 1831 and 1832 as Scott, racked by ill health, struggled to make money to pay his debts. His son-in-law and publisher decided after his death that they should not be made public, The Scotsman reports. John Buchan, the Scottish writer best known for "The Thirty-Nine Steps," read them while researching a Scott biography in the 1930s and agreed they should not be published. "It may be hoped that no literary resurrectionist will ever be guilty of the crime of giving them to the world," he said. The University of Edinburgh Press is publishing both books in a single volume. Editors have worked from Scott's manuscripts, now in the collection of the New York Public Library, struggling to correct spelling and grammar that had deteriorated because of the strokes. "The Siege of Malta" is a mixture of history and fiction about the defense of the island against Muslim invaders while "Bizarro" is the story of an Italian bandit.
///
Mini-cows at home in British backyards
LONDON (UPI) -- Hundreds of families across Britain have begun raising miniature cattle in their backyards in light of rising food prices, farmers say. Sue Farrant, whose family has purchased four Dexter miniature cattle for their home in the county of Kent, says the animals offer a way for households to save money on food in the long run, The Sunday Times of London said. "With high food prices, they are actually quite an attractive option if you like producing your own food," Farrant said. "Both my husband and I have full-time jobs so we're keeping them on the side as an interest." Farrant says the small cows are renowned for the quality of their meat and the bovines are essentially care-free as long as they have grass on which to graze, the Times reported. "As long as you've got plenty of grass, they will be fine," she told the newspaper. "You don't really have to feed them." The cattle species was initially bred in Ireland during the 1800s and has been credited with being able to supply an entire household with milk for a year.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Drive Fast
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Opposites Attract
Two bachelors were talking about their respective choice of life partner. One friend said,'It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion ? The friend replied,'Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with a money!'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Purple Elephant
What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it? None. It just lets out a little wine.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Handsome and Irresistible
A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?" Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't." At that point she yelled, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on a 20-foot
extension ladder with a coathanger." -Steven Wright
***
"Some things just aren't funny. Beatings aren't funny. Mimes
aren't funny. But beating a mime - why is that so hilarious?"
-- Dave Attell
***
"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million
monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually
come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to
the Internet, we now know this isn't true." --Ian Hart
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Real Signs and advertisements...
Signs In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetary:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but
their own graves."
On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is
impassable."
From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat
pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this
card, please tell a crew member."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices and workmanship."
On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide
whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceler-
ation, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration,
but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second
one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is chaep!
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years
and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had
a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed,
English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly
after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English
archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire
and have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
earlier than the Scots."
One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish
newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep
as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a
self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago,
Ireland had already gone wireless."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Ugly lamps star of Kentucky State Fair
LOUISVILLE, Ky. (UPI) -- Lamps so ugly most people wouldn't dare dream to decorate their homes with them were the toast of the town at this year's Kentucky State Fair, organizers say. Patty Schnatter, who served as master of ceremonies for Lynn's Paradise Cafe's Ugly Lamp Contest at the fair Saturday, said contestants from various states produced lamps of unspeakable horrors in pursuit of first place, The (Louisville, Ky.) Courier-Journal reported. "We really have a good time with it. It's a blast," Schnatter said. "You never know what will come in." One lamp entered by Chris McQueen of Jeffersonville, Ind., featured a variety of holiday and celebratory themes and the participant said he was shocked his "hideous" entry fell short of a top spot. "I thought for sure we had it in the bag," McQueen said. "I mean, this thing is hideous." The Courier-Journal said the grand prize went to a lamp with an American eagle base and a shade made of old ties.
///
War re-enactment all wet with squirt-guns
BOSTON (UPI) -- A group of young Bostonians recreated a Civil War battle with squirt-guns as part of an ongoing attempt to bring wackiness to the city, witnesses say. Witness Tamara Wexler said when she saw people dressed in the blue and gray uniforms of Civil War-era soldiers on a Boston esplanade, she was instantly intrigued, The Boston Globe reported. "I was just waiting for them to clash," the 37-year-old said of Saturday's event. "We couldn't leave until we saw it." Armed with trusty squirt-guns instead of rifles, the two forces eventually clashed for nearly 10 minutes of watery "carnage." The event was part of a series of public pranks by Banditos Misteriosos, a group of twenty-somethings that has been staging elaborate, yet ridiculous, escapades in Boston since forming last December. The Globe said the group once staged a pillow fight involving more than 50 people in the middle of downtown Boston.
///
Rejected Scott works to be published
EDINBURGH, Scotland (UPI) -- A Scottish university press has resurrected Sir Walter Scott's last two works, written after he had three strokes and rejected for publication by his family. "The Siege of Malta" and the never completed "Bizarro" were written in 1831 and 1832 as Scott, racked by ill health, struggled to make money to pay his debts. His son-in-law and publisher decided after his death that they should not be made public, The Scotsman reports. John Buchan, the Scottish writer best known for "The Thirty-Nine Steps," read them while researching a Scott biography in the 1930s and agreed they should not be published. "It may be hoped that no literary resurrectionist will ever be guilty of the crime of giving them to the world," he said. The University of Edinburgh Press is publishing both books in a single volume. Editors have worked from Scott's manuscripts, now in the collection of the New York Public Library, struggling to correct spelling and grammar that had deteriorated because of the strokes. "The Siege of Malta" is a mixture of history and fiction about the defense of the island against Muslim invaders while "Bizarro" is the story of an Italian bandit.
///
Mini-cows at home in British backyards
LONDON (UPI) -- Hundreds of families across Britain have begun raising miniature cattle in their backyards in light of rising food prices, farmers say. Sue Farrant, whose family has purchased four Dexter miniature cattle for their home in the county of Kent, says the animals offer a way for households to save money on food in the long run, The Sunday Times of London said. "With high food prices, they are actually quite an attractive option if you like producing your own food," Farrant said. "Both my husband and I have full-time jobs so we're keeping them on the side as an interest." Farrant says the small cows are renowned for the quality of their meat and the bovines are essentially care-free as long as they have grass on which to graze, the Times reported. "As long as you've got plenty of grass, they will be fine," she told the newspaper. "You don't really have to feed them." The cattle species was initially bred in Ireland during the 1800s and has been credited with being able to supply an entire household with milk for a year.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Drive Fast
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Opposites Attract
Two bachelors were talking about their respective choice of life partner. One friend said,'It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion ? The friend replied,'Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with a money!'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Purple Elephant
What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it? None. It just lets out a little wine.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Handsome and Irresistible
A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?" Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't." At that point she yelled, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on a 20-foot
extension ladder with a coathanger." -Steven Wright
***
"Some things just aren't funny. Beatings aren't funny. Mimes
aren't funny. But beating a mime - why is that so hilarious?"
-- Dave Attell
***
"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million
monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually
come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to
the Internet, we now know this isn't true." --Ian Hart
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Real Signs and advertisements...
Signs In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetary:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but
their own graves."
On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is
impassable."
From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat
pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this
card, please tell a crew member."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices and workmanship."
On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide
whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceler-
ation, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration,
but a poor top speed. Eventually he decided on the second
one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is chaep!
Monday, September 01, 2008
10-1-08
"Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three
groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and
value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will
replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth."
--Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
As an instructional assistant for a public school, part
of my job involves teaching small groups of children. One
day I was in charge of some second-graders, who were con-
centrating on their artwork. As I reached across to help
a student, he remarked that something smelled good.
I was pleased that he noticed my perfume, until he held
a wide felt-tip pen up to his nose and said, "Yep. New
markers."
[I can sympathize with this second-grader. I feel the same
way about felt-tip markers.]
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical
audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she
double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the
tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from
a tree."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Hearing Aid Danger
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased. The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bill Gates in Heaven
Bill Gates died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven. One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces." "Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?" "Yes, we even use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Good Defense
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Escape Artist
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. After recapturing the kangaroo, the zookeeper put up a ten-foot fence. Again the kangaroo was out the next morning, roaming around the zoo. So the fence was extended to twenty feet. But again the kangaroo was out the next morning. Frustrated zoo officials built a fence forty feet high. A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How much higher do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet I guess -- unless somebody starts locking the gate!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Malfunction sells gas at super bargain
SAN ANTONIO (UPI) -- A "pump malfunction" sold premium gasoline for 38 cents a gallon to lucky customers for several hours at a San Antonio convenience store, the manager says. Jim Duke, manager of the Dill Food Mart, said he checked it out Thursday after watching an unusually large crowd gassing up at one particular pump Wednesday afternoon. "I was inside and they were paying at the pump and nobody came in so nobody told me what was happening," Duke told WOAI-AM. He found to his chagrin that "a decimal point had slipped" and instead of selling premium gas for $3.89 a gallon, the pump was dispensing it for 38 cents a gallon. "We lost a lot of money," Duke said, although he wasn't sure how much. Business was way down at that pump Thursday afternoon.
///
Father and son hit holes in one
NEWTON, Mass. (UPI) -- A Massachusetts man said he scored a hole in one at a Newton, Mass., golf course one week after his father achieved a similar feat at the same course. Brian Hurley, 36, said he sank his 167-yard hole in one on the par-3 seventh hole of the Newton Commonwealth Golf Course Sunday, exactly one week after his father, Bill, 65, struck his own 145-yard hole in one on the 16th hole, also a par-3 hole, The Boston Globe reported. "I've been working here for three years, and we only get a handful of holes in one a year," said Gerry Zegarelli, 21, who works in the Newton Commonwealth Golf Course pro shop. "To see two people from the same family make a hole in one in the same week is pretty impressive."
///
Dummy coyotes fool humans, not geese
HAMMOND, Ind. (UPI) -- Indiana officials said they plan to remove decoy coyotes from islands on Wolf Lake after they failed to scare off geese but successfully fooled motorists. Officials said the dummy coyotes failed to stop geese from feeding on fresh plantings on the islands -- although they did spark multiple calls from motorists who believed the decoys to be stranded dogs, the Gary (Ind.) Post-Tribune reported. "We've been getting calls from neighbors and people driving by, 'There's a dog trapped on the island!'" Hammond Port Authority Director Milan Kruszynski said. Army Corps of Engineers contractor J.W. New placed the two-dimensional coyote cutouts on the islands last year, intending to scare off geese and ducks. A spokesman for the contractor said the items were initially effective. "The geese are very wary of them, then eventually they figure it out," J.W. New spokesman Jon Dittmar said. He said he can understand how some motorists may have been fooled by the dummy dogs. "They're very striking when you first come upon them. I could see how it would be for someone driving by at 70 mph," Dittmar said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Supermarket Composure
In the supermarket a man was pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don´t get excited, Albert; don´t scream, Albert; don´t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I´m Albert."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Charitable LawyerMr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
groups: brand aspirationals, price sensitive affluents, and
value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new categories will
replace the old customer classifications: teeth or no teeth."
--Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
As an instructional assistant for a public school, part
of my job involves teaching small groups of children. One
day I was in charge of some second-graders, who were con-
centrating on their artwork. As I reached across to help
a student, he remarked that something smelled good.
I was pleased that he noticed my perfume, until he held
a wide felt-tip pen up to his nose and said, "Yep. New
markers."
[I can sympathize with this second-grader. I feel the same
way about felt-tip markers.]
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical
audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she
double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the
tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from
a tree."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Hearing Aid Danger
Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased. The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Bill Gates in Heaven
Bill Gates died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven. One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces." "Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?" "Yes, we even use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A Good Defense
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Escape Artist
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. After recapturing the kangaroo, the zookeeper put up a ten-foot fence. Again the kangaroo was out the next morning, roaming around the zoo. So the fence was extended to twenty feet. But again the kangaroo was out the next morning. Frustrated zoo officials built a fence forty feet high. A camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How much higher do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet I guess -- unless somebody starts locking the gate!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Weird News
Malfunction sells gas at super bargain
SAN ANTONIO (UPI) -- A "pump malfunction" sold premium gasoline for 38 cents a gallon to lucky customers for several hours at a San Antonio convenience store, the manager says. Jim Duke, manager of the Dill Food Mart, said he checked it out Thursday after watching an unusually large crowd gassing up at one particular pump Wednesday afternoon. "I was inside and they were paying at the pump and nobody came in so nobody told me what was happening," Duke told WOAI-AM. He found to his chagrin that "a decimal point had slipped" and instead of selling premium gas for $3.89 a gallon, the pump was dispensing it for 38 cents a gallon. "We lost a lot of money," Duke said, although he wasn't sure how much. Business was way down at that pump Thursday afternoon.
///
Father and son hit holes in one
NEWTON, Mass. (UPI) -- A Massachusetts man said he scored a hole in one at a Newton, Mass., golf course one week after his father achieved a similar feat at the same course. Brian Hurley, 36, said he sank his 167-yard hole in one on the par-3 seventh hole of the Newton Commonwealth Golf Course Sunday, exactly one week after his father, Bill, 65, struck his own 145-yard hole in one on the 16th hole, also a par-3 hole, The Boston Globe reported. "I've been working here for three years, and we only get a handful of holes in one a year," said Gerry Zegarelli, 21, who works in the Newton Commonwealth Golf Course pro shop. "To see two people from the same family make a hole in one in the same week is pretty impressive."
///
Dummy coyotes fool humans, not geese
HAMMOND, Ind. (UPI) -- Indiana officials said they plan to remove decoy coyotes from islands on Wolf Lake after they failed to scare off geese but successfully fooled motorists. Officials said the dummy coyotes failed to stop geese from feeding on fresh plantings on the islands -- although they did spark multiple calls from motorists who believed the decoys to be stranded dogs, the Gary (Ind.) Post-Tribune reported. "We've been getting calls from neighbors and people driving by, 'There's a dog trapped on the island!'" Hammond Port Authority Director Milan Kruszynski said. Army Corps of Engineers contractor J.W. New placed the two-dimensional coyote cutouts on the islands last year, intending to scare off geese and ducks. A spokesman for the contractor said the items were initially effective. "The geese are very wary of them, then eventually they figure it out," J.W. New spokesman Jon Dittmar said. He said he can understand how some motorists may have been fooled by the dummy dogs. "They're very striking when you first come upon them. I could see how it would be for someone driving by at 70 mph," Dittmar said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Supermarket Composure
In the supermarket a man was pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don´t get excited, Albert; don´t scream, Albert; don´t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I´m Albert."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Charitable LawyerMr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called on the attorney in an attempt to make him mend his ways. "Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"The lawyer replied, "Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her with three children?"The charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this. "Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Sunday, August 31, 2008
hUMOR For Aug 31st
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that's what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were." --Jay Leno "President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders" --Jimmy Kimmel "While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards today admitted he had an affair. And the National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It's all true!" --Jay Leno "President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'" --David Letterman "Well, Democrats are furious, they're going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down." --Jay Leno "In Beijing people are still concerned about the air quality. Earlier this week -- this is a true story -- a member of the International Olympic Committee said that the smog in Beijing isn’t pollution; it’s mist. Then, he said, 'Just make sure not to get any mist in your eyes or lungs.'" --Conan O'Brien "And that Paris Hilton ad about John McCain has gotten over five million hits on the web. Five million, isn't that amazing? More people have seen the ad than have seen John McCain " --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mommy Test
A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that. "Why," asked the little girl. "Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs." The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?" Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy." The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!" "Yup," said the mom.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Computer Messages in Haiku
Your file was so big.It might be very useful.But now it is gone. The Web site you seekCannot be located, butCountless more exist. Chaos reigns within.Reflect, repent, and reboot.Order shall return. Program aborting:Close all that you have worked on.You ask far too much. Windows NT crashed.I am the Blue Screen of Death.No one hears your screams. Yesterday it worked.Today it is not working.Windows is like that. First snow, then silence.This thousand-dollar screen diesSo beautifully. With searching comes lossAnd the presence of absence:"My Novel" not found.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?
When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Newly declassified documents show that Julia Childs, a
famous chef, was a spy. I like to spy on things in my
kitchen...then I interrogate them in my tummy."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel
in space. A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost
you another million to eat a Snickers from the mini bar."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the
presidency after getting caught lying and violating the
Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get
you kicked out of office?" -Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
After shopping for weeks, I finally found the car of my
dreams. It was only two years old and in beautiful condition.
The salesman asked if I would like to take it for a test
drive. We had traveled no more than two miles when the car
broke down. The salesman called for a tow truck.
When it arrived, we climbed into the front seat. While the
driver was hooking up the car, the salesman turned to me
with a smile and said, "Well, now, what is it going to take
to put you behind the wheel of that beauty today?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dinosaurs are fascinating. My four-year-old is obsessed with
them.
Recently we were riding on a bus, and he asked another
passenger for her name.
"My name is Deena," she said. "Can you say Deena?"
"Deena," said my son. "Can you say pachycephalosaurus?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Alcohol
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of
alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a
glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one
in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show
you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not
have worms."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Polar Bear Drink
A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin...
...and tonic."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Missing NewspaperThe irate customer, calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was."Ma'am," said the employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition."So that's why no one was in church today."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Would You Be Scared?
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to
understand how the Indians must have felt when they first
encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I
asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked
very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual
clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's
date."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to
go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which
leads to the question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault
will it be?'" -Jay Leno
***
"Two teenage girls in Georgia robbed a bank. I have to say
one thing. It's nice to see young women stealing money with-
out the help of divorce lawyers." -Craig Ferguson
"Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that's what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were." --Jay Leno "President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders" --Jimmy Kimmel "While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards today admitted he had an affair. And the National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It's all true!" --Jay Leno "President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'" --David Letterman "Well, Democrats are furious, they're going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down." --Jay Leno "In Beijing people are still concerned about the air quality. Earlier this week -- this is a true story -- a member of the International Olympic Committee said that the smog in Beijing isn’t pollution; it’s mist. Then, he said, 'Just make sure not to get any mist in your eyes or lungs.'" --Conan O'Brien "And that Paris Hilton ad about John McCain has gotten over five million hits on the web. Five million, isn't that amazing? More people have seen the ad than have seen John McCain " --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Mommy Test
A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that. "Why," asked the little girl. "Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs." The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?" Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy." The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!" "Yup," said the mom.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Computer Messages in Haiku
Your file was so big.It might be very useful.But now it is gone. The Web site you seekCannot be located, butCountless more exist. Chaos reigns within.Reflect, repent, and reboot.Order shall return. Program aborting:Close all that you have worked on.You ask far too much. Windows NT crashed.I am the Blue Screen of Death.No one hears your screams. Yesterday it worked.Today it is not working.Windows is like that. First snow, then silence.This thousand-dollar screen diesSo beautifully. With searching comes lossAnd the presence of absence:"My Novel" not found.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Liquid, Fragile or Perishable?
When a woman decided to send the old family Bible to her brother in another state, the postal worker asked her if there was anything breakable in the package. "Only the Ten Commandments," she replied.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Newly declassified documents show that Julia Childs, a
famous chef, was a spy. I like to spy on things in my
kitchen...then I interrogate them in my tummy."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel
in space. A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost
you another million to eat a Snickers from the mini bar."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the
presidency after getting caught lying and violating the
Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get
you kicked out of office?" -Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
After shopping for weeks, I finally found the car of my
dreams. It was only two years old and in beautiful condition.
The salesman asked if I would like to take it for a test
drive. We had traveled no more than two miles when the car
broke down. The salesman called for a tow truck.
When it arrived, we climbed into the front seat. While the
driver was hooking up the car, the salesman turned to me
with a smile and said, "Well, now, what is it going to take
to put you behind the wheel of that beauty today?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Dinosaurs are fascinating. My four-year-old is obsessed with
them.
Recently we were riding on a bus, and he asked another
passenger for her name.
"My name is Deena," she said. "Can you say Deena?"
"Deena," said my son. "Can you say pachycephalosaurus?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Alcohol
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of
alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a
glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one
in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show
you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not
have worms."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Polar Bear Drink
A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin...
...and tonic."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Missing NewspaperThe irate customer, calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was."Ma'am," said the employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition."So that's why no one was in church today."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Would You Be Scared?
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to
understand how the Indians must have felt when they first
encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I
asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked
very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual
clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's
date."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to
go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which
leads to the question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault
will it be?'" -Jay Leno
***
"Two teenage girls in Georgia robbed a bank. I have to say
one thing. It's nice to see young women stealing money with-
out the help of divorce lawyers." -Craig Ferguson
Saturday, August 30, 2008
hUMOR For Aug 30th
Granny HumourWipe up after yourself...see also Granny Chair
Shar was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter Nikki as she'd done many times before.After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grammy, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Doctor! Doctor!A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son.""He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.""How can you say all that without even meeting him?""Didn't you say he was 13?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Ask Jeeves"
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Don't Go To Bed" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Don't Go To Bed....
I've heard it said don't go to bedwhile hanging on to sorrow,you may not have the chance to laughwith those you love tomorrow.
You may not mean the words you speakwhen anger takes its toll,you may regret your actionsonce you've lost your self control.
When you've lost your temperand you've said some hurtful things,think about the heartachethat your actions sometime bring.
You'll never get those moments back,such precious time to waste,and all because of things you saidin anger and in haste.
So if you're loving someoneand your pride has settled in,you may not ever have the chanceto say to them again...
"I love you and I miss youand although we don't agree,I'll try to see your point of view,please do the same for me."- Author Unknown
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Falling Fast
Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientist decides to do an experiment to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and a light, a candle light, to the 3rd floor of a building and recognizes that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientist writes in his book: "A thermometer falls with the speed of light."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Before Computers
An application was for employmentA program was a TV showA cursor used profanityA keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with ageA CD was a bank accountAnd a floppy disk was somethingTerribly wrong in your back. Compress was something you did to garbageNot something you did to a fileAnd if you unzipped anything in publicYou'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fireHard drive was a long trip on the roadA mouse pad was where a mouse livedAnd a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knifePaste you did with glueA web was a spider's homeAnd a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paperAnd the memory in my headI hear nobody's been killed in a computer crashBut when it happens they wish they were dead!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Perspective
After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television. But, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25-yearold blonde." "Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50-year-old woman. It doesn't seem fair." His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25-year-old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television." The man rethought his priorities.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Forest Gump and St. Peter
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in." Related Image "Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' " "Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are." 1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" 2) How many seconds are in a year? 3) What is God's first name? "Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer." "The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve." "Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused. "Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …" St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too." "And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy." "Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?" "I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own." St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
Shar was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter Nikki as she'd done many times before.After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grammy, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Doctor! Doctor!A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son.""He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.""How can you say all that without even meeting him?""Didn't you say he was 13?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Ask Jeeves"
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Don't Go To Bed" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Don't Go To Bed....
I've heard it said don't go to bedwhile hanging on to sorrow,you may not have the chance to laughwith those you love tomorrow.
You may not mean the words you speakwhen anger takes its toll,you may regret your actionsonce you've lost your self control.
When you've lost your temperand you've said some hurtful things,think about the heartachethat your actions sometime bring.
You'll never get those moments back,such precious time to waste,and all because of things you saidin anger and in haste.
So if you're loving someoneand your pride has settled in,you may not ever have the chanceto say to them again...
"I love you and I miss youand although we don't agree,I'll try to see your point of view,please do the same for me."- Author Unknown
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Falling Fast
Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientist decides to do an experiment to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and a light, a candle light, to the 3rd floor of a building and recognizes that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientist writes in his book: "A thermometer falls with the speed of light."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Before Computers
An application was for employmentA program was a TV showA cursor used profanityA keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with ageA CD was a bank accountAnd a floppy disk was somethingTerribly wrong in your back. Compress was something you did to garbageNot something you did to a fileAnd if you unzipped anything in publicYou'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fireHard drive was a long trip on the roadA mouse pad was where a mouse livedAnd a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knifePaste you did with glueA web was a spider's homeAnd a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paperAnd the memory in my headI hear nobody's been killed in a computer crashBut when it happens they wish they were dead!
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Perspective
After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television. But, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25-yearold blonde." "Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50-year-old woman. It doesn't seem fair." His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25-year-old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television." The man rethought his priorities.
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Forest Gump and St. Peter
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in." Related Image "Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' " "Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are." 1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" 2) How many seconds are in a year? 3) What is God's first name? "Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer." "The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve." "Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused. "Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …" St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too." "And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy." "Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?" "I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own." St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
Friday, August 29, 2008
hUMOR For Aug 29th
Triangle of LifeWhere to be - and where not to be - during an EarthquakeNew earthquake survival info saves lives & contradicts past beliefssee also Safety Section
[Remember being told to hide under a table or stand in a doorway during an earthquake? This guy has a completely reverse, very interesting opinion - different from what we were all taught. Doug Copp is the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world’s most experienced rescue team. Having crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, and founded & worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, Doug ensures us that this article will save lives in an earthquake...]
Extract from Doug Copp’s Article on
“The Triangle of Life”
“I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I have worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn’t at the time know that the children were told to hide under something. Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or void next to them. This space is what I call the ‘triangle of life’. The larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the ‘triangles’ you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a collapsed building.Tips for Earthquake Safety1) Most everyone who simply ‘ducks and covers’ when buildings collapse are crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a void next to it.3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquake. Wood is flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on the back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.6) Most everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different ‘moment of frequency’ (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads - horribly mutilated. Even if the building doesn’t collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them If Possible - It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or lying next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.”Spread the word and save someone’s life... The entire world is experiencing natural calamities, so be prepared!‘We are but angels with one wing, it takes two to fly’
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Olympic Games QuotesAthletes and sports announcers say some incredibly dubm things…see also Olympic Section
“A brain scan revealed Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin.” – Joe Sheldon“Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC President is hugging the cox of the British crew.” – At a rowing medal ceremony“And for those of you who watched the last programme, I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny’s.” – David Coleman“… and later we’ll have action from the men’s cockles pairs.” – Sue Barker, rowing commentator“Bobby Gould thinks I’m trying to stab him in the back. In fact, I’m right behind him.” – Stuart Pearson“For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.” – John Motson, football commentator“Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand.” – Ted Lowe“He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.” – Basketball analyst“Her time is about 4.33, which she’s capable of.” – David Coleman“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.” – Stuart Pearce“I can’t tell who’d leading. It’s either Oxford or Cambridge.” – John Snagge“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” – Paul Hamm, Gymnast“I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad I won rather than lost.” – Frank Bruno“I would not say he is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.” – Ron Atkinson“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” – Softball announcer“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.” – Mark Draper“I’ll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right.” – Marion Starling“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” – Winston Bennett“It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up.” – Ian Wright“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.” – Soccer commentator“Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers.” – Murray Walker“Lara’s chanced his arm, and it’s come off.” – Brian Johnston“One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…” – Tennis commentator“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” – David Acfield“Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.” – Boxing analyst“That’s inches away from being millimetre perfect.” – Ted Lowe“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.” – Murray Walker – racing commentator“The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It’s long and square.” – Trevor Bailey“The race course is as level as a billiard ball.” – John Francombe“There goes Juan Torera down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.” – David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics“There’s going to be a real ding dong when the bell goes.” – David Coleman“This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.” – Weightlifting commentator“This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.” – Ted Walsh, dressage commentator“To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.” – Ruud Gullit, football coach“Watch the time – it gives you an indication of how fast they are running.” – Ron Pickering“We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised.” – Ian McNail, football commentator“We didn’t underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.” – Bobby Robson“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.” – Murray Walker, racing commentator“We’ll still be happy if we lose. It’s on at the same time as the Beer Festival.” – Noel O’Mahoney“Well, either side could win, or it could be a draw.” – Ron Atkinson
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August 8, 2008, 2007: the Ultimate 'Lucky Day'Is it a coincidence that the Beijing Summer Olympics starts on 08/08/08?
In Mandarin, the word for “eight” sounds like the word for “fortune”. Friday, August 8, 2008 is such a lucky day, bringing prosperity to Chinese wedding plans and Chinese women hoping for a Friday birth. Daphne & Van Wong of Richmond, B.C. are getting married at 8 PM - the Chapel at Minoru Park has five weddings scheduled.Pregnant women with an 08/08/08 due date are keeping their fingers crossed, even though only 4% of women deliver on their due date. In Canada, local hospitals don't perform cesarean sections in order for women to have babies on a specific date, but in China there may be a few extra Olympic babies born...
[Remember being told to hide under a table or stand in a doorway during an earthquake? This guy has a completely reverse, very interesting opinion - different from what we were all taught. Doug Copp is the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world’s most experienced rescue team. Having crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, and founded & worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, Doug ensures us that this article will save lives in an earthquake...]
Extract from Doug Copp’s Article on
“The Triangle of Life”
“I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I have worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn’t at the time know that the children were told to hide under something. Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or void next to them. This space is what I call the ‘triangle of life’. The larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the ‘triangles’ you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a collapsed building.Tips for Earthquake Safety1) Most everyone who simply ‘ducks and covers’ when buildings collapse are crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a void next to it.3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquake. Wood is flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on the back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.6) Most everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different ‘moment of frequency’ (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads - horribly mutilated. Even if the building doesn’t collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them If Possible - It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or lying next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.”Spread the word and save someone’s life... The entire world is experiencing natural calamities, so be prepared!‘We are but angels with one wing, it takes two to fly’
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Olympic Games QuotesAthletes and sports announcers say some incredibly dubm things…see also Olympic Section
“A brain scan revealed Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin.” – Joe Sheldon“Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC President is hugging the cox of the British crew.” – At a rowing medal ceremony“And for those of you who watched the last programme, I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny’s.” – David Coleman“… and later we’ll have action from the men’s cockles pairs.” – Sue Barker, rowing commentator“Bobby Gould thinks I’m trying to stab him in the back. In fact, I’m right behind him.” – Stuart Pearson“For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.” – John Motson, football commentator“Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand.” – Ted Lowe“He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.” – Basketball analyst“Her time is about 4.33, which she’s capable of.” – David Coleman“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.” – Stuart Pearce“I can’t tell who’d leading. It’s either Oxford or Cambridge.” – John Snagge“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” – Paul Hamm, Gymnast“I was in a no-win situation, so I’m glad I won rather than lost.” – Frank Bruno“I would not say he is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better.” – Ron Atkinson“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” – Softball announcer“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.” – Mark Draper“I’ll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right.” – Marion Starling“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” – Winston Bennett“It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up.” – Ian Wright“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.” – Soccer commentator“Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers.” – Murray Walker“Lara’s chanced his arm, and it’s come off.” – Brian Johnston“One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…” – Tennis commentator“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” – David Acfield“Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.” – Boxing analyst“That’s inches away from being millimetre perfect.” – Ted Lowe“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.” – Murray Walker – racing commentator“The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It’s long and square.” – Trevor Bailey“The race course is as level as a billiard ball.” – John Francombe“There goes Juan Torera down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.” – David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics“There’s going to be a real ding dong when the bell goes.” – David Coleman“This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.” – Weightlifting commentator“This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.” – Ted Walsh, dressage commentator“To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.” – Ruud Gullit, football coach“Watch the time – it gives you an indication of how fast they are running.” – Ron Pickering“We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised.” – Ian McNail, football commentator“We didn’t underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.” – Bobby Robson“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.” – Murray Walker, racing commentator“We’ll still be happy if we lose. It’s on at the same time as the Beer Festival.” – Noel O’Mahoney“Well, either side could win, or it could be a draw.” – Ron Atkinson
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August 8, 2008, 2007: the Ultimate 'Lucky Day'Is it a coincidence that the Beijing Summer Olympics starts on 08/08/08?
In Mandarin, the word for “eight” sounds like the word for “fortune”. Friday, August 8, 2008 is such a lucky day, bringing prosperity to Chinese wedding plans and Chinese women hoping for a Friday birth. Daphne & Van Wong of Richmond, B.C. are getting married at 8 PM - the Chapel at Minoru Park has five weddings scheduled.Pregnant women with an 08/08/08 due date are keeping their fingers crossed, even though only 4% of women deliver on their due date. In Canada, local hospitals don't perform cesarean sections in order for women to have babies on a specific date, but in China there may be a few extra Olympic babies born...
Thursday, August 28, 2008
hUMOR For Aug 28th
Customer Service
My Aunt passed away this past January. Her bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following phone call to the bank: Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..." Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been." Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!" Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" Bank:"Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?" Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?" Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone) Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?" Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX" Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Me: "Sure." ( Later, After they have gotten the fax. ) Bank: "Our system just isn't set up to handle this..." Me: "Oh..." Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..." Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...." Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply." Me: "Would you like her new billing address?" Bank: "That might help." Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233." Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."
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Friendly Argument
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I
married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I
teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested
an explanation.
"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of
love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out
of stupid."
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"Excuse for Republicans driving sports cars that cost more
than their fathers ever made in a year: It's cheaper than
marrying a woman half my age." --P.J. O'Rourke
***
"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was.
Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and
wierd. It'll happen to YOU." --Abe Simpson, The Simpsons
***
"In the past, your dumbness has gotten in the way of a few
things that I really wanted to do: The book club. Theater.
Having conversations." --Patricia Heaton
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During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a
note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please
call someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before
whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on
the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking
maybe someone from maintenance!"
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The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long
and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our
beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later,
in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in
his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter
something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide
to call her again?"
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Amazing Invention
Fred turns up for golf with his regular foursome, and on the first tee proudly tees up a hot pink golf ball. His mates all make incredulous noises along the lines of no self-respecting man using pink balls etc.
Fred says "Wait, you don't understand; this is no ordinary golf ball. That color makes it impossible to lose".
"Garbage," says Bill, or words to that effect. "I've been in spots where that would never be seen again."
"Well, in those situations," says Fred, "this ball has direction finding equipment; it emits a loud beep and you just follow the sound until you find it".
This shuts the boys up for a minute till George says "OK smart alec, what about hitting it in the water?"
"Ah, says Fred, that's where it really comes into its own. Its flotation device takes it to the surface, where radio waves sense the nearest bank, and solar powered cells propel it there. You just pick it up and keep playing."
There is a long silence. Finally Harry says in awe, "That's amazing Fred. Where did you get it?"
"I found it," said Fred.
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Potato Sacks
For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best. Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can. After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.
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Dumb Mom
Not all kids think their moms are smart. Did you hear about the five year old boy who was sent to his room by his mother for having a bit of a tantrum and calling her dumb? After about fifteen minutes, the mother went to his room to see if he was repentant. She found that her son had regained his composure. He calmly and politely said to her, "But Mom, you really are dumb."
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Area 51
You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
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You Know it's July in Florida When:
- Hot water comes out of both taps. - You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron. - The trees are whistling for the dogs. - You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window. - The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. - You burn your hand opening the car door. - The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater. - You can make instant sun tea. - Shade determines the best parking space, not distance. - Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. - When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat. - Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter. - You discover that asphalt has a liquid state. - You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
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My Aunt passed away this past January. Her bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00. I placed the following phone call to the bank: Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January." Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..." Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been." Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?" Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!" Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" Bank:"Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?" Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?" Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone) Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January." Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply." Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?" Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?" Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX" Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?" Me: "Sure." ( Later, After they have gotten the fax. ) Bank: "Our system just isn't set up to handle this..." Me: "Oh..." Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..." Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...." Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply." Me: "Would you like her new billing address?" Bank: "That might help." Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233." Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!" Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."
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Friendly Argument
During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I
married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I
teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested
an explanation.
"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of
love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out
of stupid."
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"Excuse for Republicans driving sports cars that cost more
than their fathers ever made in a year: It's cheaper than
marrying a woman half my age." --P.J. O'Rourke
***
"I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was.
Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and
wierd. It'll happen to YOU." --Abe Simpson, The Simpsons
***
"In the past, your dumbness has gotten in the way of a few
things that I really wanted to do: The book club. Theater.
Having conversations." --Patricia Heaton
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During court one day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a
note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please
call someone."
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before
whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on
the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking
maybe someone from maintenance!"
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The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long
and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our
beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later,
in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in
his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter
something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide
to call her again?"
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Amazing Invention
Fred turns up for golf with his regular foursome, and on the first tee proudly tees up a hot pink golf ball. His mates all make incredulous noises along the lines of no self-respecting man using pink balls etc.
Fred says "Wait, you don't understand; this is no ordinary golf ball. That color makes it impossible to lose".
"Garbage," says Bill, or words to that effect. "I've been in spots where that would never be seen again."
"Well, in those situations," says Fred, "this ball has direction finding equipment; it emits a loud beep and you just follow the sound until you find it".
This shuts the boys up for a minute till George says "OK smart alec, what about hitting it in the water?"
"Ah, says Fred, that's where it really comes into its own. Its flotation device takes it to the surface, where radio waves sense the nearest bank, and solar powered cells propel it there. You just pick it up and keep playing."
There is a long silence. Finally Harry says in awe, "That's amazing Fred. Where did you get it?"
"I found it," said Fred.
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Potato Sacks
For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best. Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can. After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.
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Dumb Mom
Not all kids think their moms are smart. Did you hear about the five year old boy who was sent to his room by his mother for having a bit of a tantrum and calling her dumb? After about fifteen minutes, the mother went to his room to see if he was repentant. She found that her son had regained his composure. He calmly and politely said to her, "But Mom, you really are dumb."
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Area 51
You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
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You Know it's July in Florida When:
- Hot water comes out of both taps. - You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron. - The trees are whistling for the dogs. - You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window. - The birds need to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. - You burn your hand opening the car door. - The temperature drops below 95 and you put on a sweater. - You can make instant sun tea. - Shade determines the best parking space, not distance. - Farmers feed their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. - When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat. - Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter. - You discover that asphalt has a liquid state. - You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
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Wednesday, August 27, 2008
hUMOR For Aug 27th
Weird News
Lawmen say they saw mythical Texas animal
CUERO, Texas (UPI) -- Two deputies in rural south Texas say they may have sighted a chupacabra, a hairless, short-legged creature that has long been a part of regional folklore. Cpl. Brandon Riedel told KSAT in San Antonio he was in the midst of a training session Friday with a new recruit to the DeWitt County Sheriff's Department when they saw the animal running down a dirt road. He grabbed his video camera. "You need to record something like this because it's not every day you find something that looks like this running around out in the middle of the county," he said. Riedel is not completely convinced the animal is a chupacabra. It has a long snout that looks coyote-like. Last year, a rancher found a carcass he said appeared to be a chupacabra. Some residents say there is no point in being too skeptical. "It's like every good urban legend," Erik McCowan said. "Maybe it's better to just think it is the chupacabra and just leave it at that."
///
Couple attacked by nesting sea birds
KIRKWALL, Scotland (UPI) -- A London couple who got lost on the island of Hoy in the Orkney Islands north of Scotland had to be rescued by the coast guard from angry sea birds. The couple inadvertently wandered into a nesting colony of great skuas Monday, The Scotsman reports. The coast guard sent a helicopter to get them away from the birds. Great skuas, known as bonxies in the Orkneys, are large gull-like birds with no fear of humans. They are known for dive-bombing puffins to steal their food and for their aggressive behavior towards intruders in nesting colonies. Chris Booth, an ornithologist working in the Orkneys, wears a helmet to protect himself. "They are just defending their nests. If you walk into their territory they will attack you but they don't attack for any other reason," Booth said. "These people were wandering around a bit aimlessly and went into a skua territory and the birds were telling them to get out of the way." Other experts recommend carrying a stick and lifting it high if birds attack because they go for the highest point.
///
Wristwatch sellers predict industry's end
KENSINGTON, Pa. (UPI) -- The California-based Jewelry Consumer Opinion Council said watch companies have reported declining sales of between 8 percent and 15 percent since 2006. Watch companies and retailers said the business seems to be on its way out as more and more consumers gets their time updates from cell phones and computer desktops, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported Tuesday. "The business seems to be dying out," said Derek Molnor, owner of Derek Molnor Vintage Watches in New Kensington, Pa. "Twenty years ago, there were a lot more watches around and a lot more interest in it. People are moving on." While sales of higher-end wristwatches, including Rolexes, seem to have remained consistant, falling sales have led companies including Timex and Fossil to begin phasing out their watch production in favor of sunglasses and other accessories, the Tribune-Review reported. "You can't make enough on watches to stay alive," Buschek said. "Yes, you're going to see the disappearance of wristwatches."
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Blind Golfers
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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Haiku Computer Messages
The Tao that is seenIs not the true Tao-untilYou bring fresh toner. Stay the patient course.Of little worth is your ire.The network is down. A crash reducesYour expensive computerTo a simple stone. Three things are certain:Death, taxes and lost data.Guess which has occurred. You step in the stream,But the water has moved on.This page is not here. Out of memory.We wish to hold the whole sky,But we never will. Having been erased,The document you're seekingMust now be retyped. Serious error.All shortcuts have disappeared.Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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Habit
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me and said, "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
Lawmen say they saw mythical Texas animal
CUERO, Texas (UPI) -- Two deputies in rural south Texas say they may have sighted a chupacabra, a hairless, short-legged creature that has long been a part of regional folklore. Cpl. Brandon Riedel told KSAT in San Antonio he was in the midst of a training session Friday with a new recruit to the DeWitt County Sheriff's Department when they saw the animal running down a dirt road. He grabbed his video camera. "You need to record something like this because it's not every day you find something that looks like this running around out in the middle of the county," he said. Riedel is not completely convinced the animal is a chupacabra. It has a long snout that looks coyote-like. Last year, a rancher found a carcass he said appeared to be a chupacabra. Some residents say there is no point in being too skeptical. "It's like every good urban legend," Erik McCowan said. "Maybe it's better to just think it is the chupacabra and just leave it at that."
///
Couple attacked by nesting sea birds
KIRKWALL, Scotland (UPI) -- A London couple who got lost on the island of Hoy in the Orkney Islands north of Scotland had to be rescued by the coast guard from angry sea birds. The couple inadvertently wandered into a nesting colony of great skuas Monday, The Scotsman reports. The coast guard sent a helicopter to get them away from the birds. Great skuas, known as bonxies in the Orkneys, are large gull-like birds with no fear of humans. They are known for dive-bombing puffins to steal their food and for their aggressive behavior towards intruders in nesting colonies. Chris Booth, an ornithologist working in the Orkneys, wears a helmet to protect himself. "They are just defending their nests. If you walk into their territory they will attack you but they don't attack for any other reason," Booth said. "These people were wandering around a bit aimlessly and went into a skua territory and the birds were telling them to get out of the way." Other experts recommend carrying a stick and lifting it high if birds attack because they go for the highest point.
///
Wristwatch sellers predict industry's end
KENSINGTON, Pa. (UPI) -- The California-based Jewelry Consumer Opinion Council said watch companies have reported declining sales of between 8 percent and 15 percent since 2006. Watch companies and retailers said the business seems to be on its way out as more and more consumers gets their time updates from cell phones and computer desktops, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported Tuesday. "The business seems to be dying out," said Derek Molnor, owner of Derek Molnor Vintage Watches in New Kensington, Pa. "Twenty years ago, there were a lot more watches around and a lot more interest in it. People are moving on." While sales of higher-end wristwatches, including Rolexes, seem to have remained consistant, falling sales have led companies including Timex and Fossil to begin phasing out their watch production in favor of sunglasses and other accessories, the Tribune-Review reported. "You can't make enough on watches to stay alive," Buschek said. "Yes, you're going to see the disappearance of wristwatches."
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Blind Golfers
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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Haiku Computer Messages
The Tao that is seenIs not the true Tao-untilYou bring fresh toner. Stay the patient course.Of little worth is your ire.The network is down. A crash reducesYour expensive computerTo a simple stone. Three things are certain:Death, taxes and lost data.Guess which has occurred. You step in the stream,But the water has moved on.This page is not here. Out of memory.We wish to hold the whole sky,But we never will. Having been erased,The document you're seekingMust now be retyped. Serious error.All shortcuts have disappeared.Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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Habit
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. Recently, after I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I responded in a serious tone, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me and said, "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
hUMOR For Aug 26th
"This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest
for fun. I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun.
We're all gonna have so much 'fun, we'll need plastic
surgery to remove our goddamn smiles."
-Clark Griswold (
***
"We're no longer called Sonic Death Monkey. We're on the
verge of becoming Kathleen Turner Overdrive, but just for
tonight, we are Barry Jive and his Uptown Five."
-Barry (Jack Black) in High Fidelity
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Jill recently bought a new Volkswagen Beetle, that bright
green color. The first day she had it she made all kinds
of excuses to run errands. One of these errands was to
pick up clothes at the dry cleaners and go to the grocery.
The dry cleaners and the grocery are in the same strip
mall so she got a few things at the grocery, then ran by
the cleaners and got the clothes. Having her hands full
she laid the clothes on top while putting the groceries
in the car.
When she got home she was beaming, "You wouldn't believe
how many people waved and honked their horns at the car
and me on the way home." she said to her kids, "people
must really think this car is neat!"
About that time a car pulled up in our drive and a man
got out with an armload of our clothes. "Excuse me," he
said, "but I've been trying to get your attention for
two miles, your clothes landed on my hood just after you
pulled out of the parking lot."
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Pauly got a job as a casket salesman in the local funeral
home. He's talking to this old guy, who's come in to plan
his funeral for "one of these days."
"Now, sir," says Pauly, " think you'll want this model.
It's a beautiful piece of equipment, and a steal at
$4,000."
"No," said the old guy, "that's really too much for a
casket. How much is THIS one right here?"
"Oh," said Pauly, "it's the bottom of the line and is just
$1,000."
"I think I'd like that one," said the old guy.
"Wait just a minute, sir. This casket is very narrow. You
just lie down in here and TRY to spread your elbows!"
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The Direct Object
Christopher's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Christopher to recite a sentence with a direct object.
Christopher stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."
"Why thank you, Christopher," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"
"A good report card next month," he replied.
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The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST!
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Spaghetti Sauce
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her
haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it
sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it
was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local
sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests
volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called
out, "It's the
spaghetti sauce turned out."
Monday, August 25, 2008
hUMOR For Aug 25th
"Resume Cover Letters"
These were taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and were printed in "Fortune" Magazine:
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
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Oneliner
"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."
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CleanPun - "Dance Request"
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty senior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
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Here is today's PearlyGates item - ”Poker Question”
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
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Doggone Brilliant
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
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Marketing Speak
Cindy McCain discovered that her husband's great great uncle, Gunther McCain, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in
The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Gunther McCain; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
After letting the Republican Party's large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist John's campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press:
"Gunther McCain was a famous cattleman in early
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Wrong Bank
A man went into a Wells Fargo bank and planned to rob it. He got a deposit slip and wrote on it: "This iz a stikup. Put all the munny in this bag." Then he stood in line. But he got nervous thinking that someone might have seen him write the note.
So he left the bank and crossed the street to the Bank of America. He waited in line, then handed the note to the teller. After reading the note, the teller determined that the man was not very bright. So he told him he could not accept the stickup note because it was written on a Wells Fargo deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Bank of America deposit slip or go back to the Wells Fargo.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and returned to the Wells Fargo where he was arrested while standing in line.
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Made Where?
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in
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