hUMOR For Aug 17th

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

- He tells you that he has never told a lie.

- A big sign in his office says: "Don't ask me."

- A prison guard is shaving your head.

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Top 7 ways the Internet could get worse

- "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment.

- Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.

- Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".

- Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.

- Gameboy web browsers.

- Two words: "Microsoft Network"

- Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.

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Know Your Manager

By three measures a manager is known:
- The thickness of the carpet in his offfice.
- The area of his desk.
- The volume of his car's engine.

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"Reading Problem"

A patient came to me to discuss her nine year old son who was having difficulty reading. The mother was worried that her son was, as she said, "lysdexic".

"Yes", I answered, "and it tends to run in families".

"No one else has it" she replied.

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CleanQuote

"When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less."
- Paul Brown

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Illustration - ""God, Forgive Me When I Whine""
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Today, upon a bus,
I saw a girl with golden hair.
I envied her, she seemed so gay,
And I wished I was as fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and used a crutch.
But as she passed, she gave a smile.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 legs, the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy.
The lad who sold it had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad.
If I were late, it'd do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me,
"I thank you, you've been so kind.
It's nice to talk with folks like you.
You see," he said, "I'm blind."

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street,
I saw a child with eyes of blue.
He stood and watched the others play.
He seemed not to know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said,
"Why don't you join the others dear?"
He looked ahead without a word.
And then I knew he couldn't hear.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 ears, the world is mine.
With feet to take me where I'd go.
With eyes to see the sunset's glow.
With ears to hear what I'd know.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine
I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.

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Most Wanted

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

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Bad ATM Messages

- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card. You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.

- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.

- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.

- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.

- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."

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Sunday School

Vernie was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Vernie, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."

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Fastest Father

Three boys were bragging about their fathers.

The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"

The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"

The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"

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Weird News

Cutting Class

A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind
telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I
really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like
because I'm y'know, like I don't like get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

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The Wedding Dress

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear

mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the

first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as

Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on

her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my

arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in

time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit

into that dress!"

hUMOR For Aug 16th

Rules

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

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Fisherman

The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."

"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."

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Polar Bear

A baby polar bear comes up to his mother and asks, "Momma,

am I a polar bear?"

"Why, yes, son, of course you are a polar bear," she

replies, sending him out to play.

Several minutes later, he returns. "Momma, are you

absolutely sure I am a polar bear?"

"Yes, son, absolutely sure. Now go and play."

Several minutes later, he returns asking, "Momma, you're

sure I'm 100% polar bear?"

"Yes, son, 100% polar bear. I'm 100% polar bear, your father

is 100% polar bear, and all of your grandparents are 100%

polar bear," she responded proudly. "Now go out and play."

Several minutes later he returns again. "Momma, you are

absolutely sure that I am a polar bear? No mixture at all? I

wasn't adopted? I really am 100% polar bear?"

"Yes, son, of course," she replied. "Why do you keep

asking?"

"Because Momma ... I'm cold!"

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"Since childhood is a time when kids prepare to be grown ups,

I think it makes a lot of sense to completely traumatize your

children. Gets 'em ready for the real world" --George Carlin

***

"I took my parents back to the airport today. They're flying

home tomorrow." --Margaret Smith

***

"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question

I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend

their weekends with?" --Rita Rudner

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Last summer my wife and I met a couple who were friends of my

wife at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to go

shopping, and I invited the man to go sailing. While we were

out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and

we were down wind trying to work our way back through a narrow

channel. At one point the boat grounded and we had to climb

overboard and shove with all our might to get it back in deep

water.

As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind

blowing his hair wildly, rain streaming down his face, he

grinned at me, and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure

beats shopping."

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Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when

Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus

8x minus 9."

The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter,

"What on earth does Jesus mean -- 'the Kingdom of Heaven is

like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'"

Peter said, "Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his

parabolas."

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"Cake Make Up"

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet-cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my cornbread go?" he shouted.

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Oneliner

"Happiness can't buy money."
- Bob Hope

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CleanPun - "Spoiled"

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

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”Two Wishes”

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes."

The man says "That's OK, two is enough. First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account."

Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women."

Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

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A Most Important Question

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop
quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the
questions, until I read the last one: 'What is the first name of the
woman who cleans the school?"

Surely, this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman
several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how
would I know her name?

I handed in my paper,leaving the last question blank.

Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would
count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet
many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and
care, even if all you do is smile and say hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

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HMO in Heaven

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

hUMOR For Aug 15th

"JetBlue is now charging $7 for a blanket and a pillow. So

now you'll be able to get a solid eight hours sleep on the

runway." -David Letterman

***

"The government of China says it is going to prevent rain

at the Beijing Olympics by shooting dust into the clouds.

Because that's the problem with Beijing — there's not

enough crap in the air." -Conan O'Brien

***

"I watched the Teen Choice Awards last night. I didn't even

recognize the categories. Then it hit me...I'm a geezer!"

-Craig Ferguson

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A bricklayer at my husband's construction job routinely com-

plained about the contents of his lunch box. "I'm sick and

tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day.

"Tonight I'll set my wife straight."

The next day the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to

hear what happened. "You bet I told her off," the brick-

layer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be

creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point

across."

He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened

his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut-

and a hammer.

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I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in

Hawaii with the Air Force. He was explaining how the troops

were learning to scuba-dive. "We used the buddy system," he

said, "and occasionally dived into shark-infested waters."

Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, "What do you

do if you see a shark?"

My son said, "Swim faster than my buddy."

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A Matter Of Trust

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

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In the Bible

Minister: Do you know what's in the Bible?
Little Girl: Yes. I think I know everything that's in it.
Minister: You do? Tell me.
Little Girl: OK. There's a picture of my brother's girlfriend,
a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls,
and a Pizza Hut coupon.

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Personal trainer uses Wii games

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A personal trainer at a New York gym said she has been using a Nintendo Wii on a 20-foot TV screen to help her clients shape up.

Dorothy Evans, a personal trainer at Gravity Fitness in the Le Parker Meridien hotel, said she first instructs clients in actual sports -- for example, boxing -- then has them play the Wii Sports counterpart to the activity, the New York Post reported.

"I use it in what we call 'active recovery time,' during which normally I would have them do a wall sit," she said. "But this is like a reward."

She told the newspaper the video games give many of her clients more of a workout than they were expecting.

"You'd be surprised. It may have little to do with the real sports, but we get people's heart rates up to 140 to 150 beats per minute -- although some of that may just be the excitement of the game," Evans said to the Post.

The trainer may be on to something -- a recent study by the American Council on Exercise found Wii Sports games to burn nearly as many calories as the real thing, the Post report said. Boxing, for example, burns an average 10.2 calories per minute, while Wii Boxing burns an average 7.2 calories per minute.

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'Sneaker-heads' await latest design

PHILADELPHIA (UPI) -- "Sneaker-heads" were out in force Tuesday in Philadelphia, camping out and waiting to score the latest shoes in Nike's 1World collection, retailers say.

One pair of self-admitted sneaker-heads, Eddie Ortiz and his 17-year-old son Eddie Ortiz Jr., said they had been camping out in front of the Ubiq footwear store in downtown Philadelphia since Saturday morning and the shoes weren't set to be released for three days, KYW-TV, Philadelphia, reported.

"People look at you like, 'A pair of sneakers?"' the elder Ortiz told the station. "But they don't understand, it's a culture," much like collecting baseball cards or comic books.

Store officials said 26 people had lined up by Tuesday morning.

The latest $225 sneakers to be released were designed by Ahmir "Questlove" Thompson, drummer for the Grammy-winning hip-hop band, The Roots. The red, green and gold Air Force 1 sneakers as part of the 1World collection, which is set to eventually feature 18 designs, KYW-TV said

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Wonderful New Product

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold ass much information as a CD-ROM disk.

Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [PENCIL].

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Secret of His Success

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:

"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window."

hUMOR For Aug 14th

At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my

hand to give the final blessing.

The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a

high-five.

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five,

too.

I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter

of the guests.

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Exercise 2

The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the
women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to
give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt
you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group
raised his hand.

"Yes," replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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Weird News

Police: Woman hit hubby with lasagna

ATLANTIC BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Atlantic Beach, Fla., said they have charged a woman with domestic battery after she allegedly struck her husband with a frozen lasagna.

Investigators said Amanda Trott allegedly used the frozen food as a weapon during an argument with her husband, whose first name was not released, WJXT-TV, Jacksonville, Fla., reported.

"Mr. Trott claimed that Mrs. Trott had slapped him across the face several times and threw a frozen lasagna at him that struck him at the top of his head," police Sgt. David Cameron said.

Cameron said Amanda Trott admitted to officers she had used the frozen block of lasagna to hit her husband.

"In my opinion, it hurts very much and will cause welts. It's like throwing a block of ice, and it's very heavy," Cameron said.

Trott's husband was also arrested on unrelated charges.

"Later during the investigation, they discovered that Mr. Trott had a violation of injunction. He was also arrested," Cameron said.

///

Students charged after bronze bull prank

TAMPA, Fla. (UPI) -- Five teens have been charged with grand theft after they admitted stealing a 400-pound bronze bull from a Valrico, Fla., high school, police said.

The teenagers, described by police as 16- and 17-year-old students from Brandon and Plant City high schools, told investigators they took the statue from Bloomingdale High School and had planned to have the bull waiting for Bloomingdale's football team when they faced off against Brandon High School, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported.

Investigators said the students told them they were inspired to perform the stunt after watching an MTV program about high school pranks.

"They were contrite and apologetic," Hillsborough County sheriff's spokesman J.D. Callaway said. "All of them said they didn't think it would come to their arrest."

School district spokesman Steve Hegarty said administrators were not planning to discipline the students because they were arrested.

///

Police: Pickup truck thief carjacked

SALINAS, Calif. (UPI) -- Police said a Salinas, Calif., man stole a Chevy pickup truck only hours before the vehicle was taken from him at gunpoint.

Police Cmdr. Kelly McMillin said Edward Bishop, 33, admitted to police he stole the Chevrolet Silverado truck at about 1 a.m. Saturday, the Salinas Californian reported.

However, Bishop said that later that day, a second man -- identified by police as Jomo Sexton, 34 -- entered the truck and pointed a gun at him. He told police Sexton made him drive around Salinas until the truck ran out of gas, at which point Bishop said he escaped and phoned police.

Bishop was arrested on suspicion of vehicle theft and booked into the Monterey County Jail.

Sexton was taken to a hospital for treatment after crashing the stolen truck into a flag pole in front of Salinas Fire Station II, and was then released into police custody. He was arrested on suspicion of kidnapping, carjacking, reckless driving, driving under the influence, unlicensed driving, hit and run and violating his parole.

"You couldn't make up something stranger than this," McMillin said.

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Good News, Bad News

Sally phoned her husband, Bill, at work for a chat.

"I'm sorry dear," said Bill, "but I'm up to my neck in work

today. I don't have time to chat."

Sally replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad

news for you, dear."

"OK, darling," said Bill, "but as I've got no time right

now, just give me the good news."

"OK," agreed Sally. "Well, the air bag works!"

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Norwegian in Fargo

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

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Sky Dive

A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.

The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

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University Drive

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class."

hUMOR For Aug 13th

"People magazine reportedly paid Angelina Jolie $14 million

for pictures of her twins. You can read about the deal in

Jolie's new self-help book, 'How to Have Babies for Fun and

Profit.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"Paris Hilton's mother is angry that John McCain put Paris

in his campaign video. Amazing. Of all the videos Paris has

been in, this is the one Mom's upset about?" -Jay Leno

***

"Hillary Clinton's campaign was $31 million in debt. Here's

how you can help: If you contribute $5 to Erase Hillary's

Debt, you can have dinner with her. For $10, you get to tie

the lobster bib on her pantsuit." -David Letterman

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Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.

IN A DIRTY MUG!"

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction,

let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive

solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little

boys room."

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee,

nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on

the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of

fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to

get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my

therapist!"

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a

keen eye for interior decoration."

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone,

women is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...

.Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

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Who's in Heaven?
Know anyone who is rotting away?

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp -
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, “What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.”

“And why's everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.”
“Hush, child,” He said, “they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.”

Judge Not

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Grin and Bear It
Sanctuary By The Woods Bear
When you know you're getting a little behind...

[Due to the increasing number of bears encroaching on human recreation and hunting grounds the following was published by a deacon of the Sanctuary-by-the-Woods...]

Since hunters nearby are requested to hold fire during Sunday Services, if pursued by a bear you have two options:
A) Escape into the Church; or
B) Climb the old oak tree just beyond the Sanctuary

(Please do not run through Services with a bear behind!)

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Last Round of Golf
Tale from an 'above par' golfer

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, “Are you a good golfer?”

To which the man replied, “Got here in two, didn't I?”

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English is a Difficult Language to Learn

There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger,
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England,
and French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that:

• Quicksand takes you down slowly;
• Boxing rings are square;
• The guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And what about the noun roots of verbs?

• If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
• If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
• If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat!?
• Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
• Or park on driveways and drive on parkways?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language:

• Where a house can burn up... as it burns down
• In which you fill in a form... by filling it out
• Where an alarm is only heard once it goes off!

English was created by people, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why when the stars are out they are visible...
But when the lights are out... they are invisible.

But I still can't figure out why it is that when I wind up my watch, it starts... But when I wind up this discussion...It ends.

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There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door.
He became irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this
way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges
and shouted:
'THERE IS NO LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!
HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

hUMOR For Aug 12th

Weird News

Boys claim bouncing record

FLAT ROCK, Mich. (UPI) -- A group of Detroit-area boys, after 24 straight hours of ups and downs, may have bounced their way into the Guinness Book of World Records.

The seven youths spent a full day taking turns bouncing in a large inflatable castle at the Bounce-a-Lot in Flat Rock, Mich., and think they're in line for a world record, The Detroit News reported.

The boys, who know each other from summer camp and youth sports teams, got together for the attempt after Mason Brott, 10, saw the bouncing mark in the Guinness Book and thought he and his friends could beat it, the newspaper said.

They might have to wait a few months for Guinness to authenticate the would-be record, however.

///

Welsh home a magnet for vehicle crashes

CARDIFF, Wales (UPI) -- A 45-year-old woman in North Wales says her home is a veritable magnet for large goods vehicles, enduring one crash every year for more than a decade.

Amanda Sandland said a section of her home's roof is routinely crashed into by passing trucks and other oversized vehicles, causing her family to fear for their safety, Wales on Sunday reports.

"We've been here 18 years and the first time it happened was just three weeks after we moved in," she said.

"Jemma was just a baby then, but it's happened so regularly since then that by the time she turned 8 she refused to leave the house without a bicycle helmet on for safety," she added.

Sandland told the newspaper such incidents have increased since a nearby road became a popular travel route on navigation systems.

"It's not the drivers' fault. A lot are foreign and don't speak English or know the area -- they just follow what their GPS systems are telling them," she said.

///

Rare baseball card to be hidden treasure

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Some lucky fan will find a baseball card worth $20,000 in a random box set of cards honoring New York Yankees slugger Babe Ruth, a card company official says.

Clay Lurashi, who serves as product development director for The Topps Co.'s Sterling line, said the one-of-a-kind card will be placed in one of the $300 sets as part of a random jackpot, the New York Post reported.

Lurashi said the offering was part of the company's new effort to release between 100 to 150 new cards based on the late home run king.

"Not everyone can afford to buy a Babe Ruth bat. We want to bring it closer for a Yankees fan," he said.

The Post said Topps, which gained exclusive rights to Ruth card sales last month, added swatches of one of Ruth's uniforms and a sliver of one of his bats to the special card, along with his autograph.

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Larry LaPrise Died

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the

moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very

important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died

peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into

the coffin.

They put his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...

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Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

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Three Little Pigs Went To Dinner

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggie. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggie. "I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

The third piggie says, "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

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New Windows Messages

The following are new Windows messages that were under consideration for Windows Vista:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error: Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

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Extremely Sad

There was once a hillbilly who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.

Suddenly he thought - "I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly and make fun of me."

He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, "I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini."

Immediately, the man behind the counter said "Are you a hillbilly?" This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, "Are you a hillbilly or not?"

This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, "But how did you know?"

The shopkeeper replied, "This is a hardware store!"

hUMOR For Aug 11th

Cutting Class

A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind
telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I
really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like
because I'm y'know, like I don't like get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Wedding Dress

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear

mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the

first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as

Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on

her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my

arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in

time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit

into that dress!"

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Incredibly Dumb

- AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

- Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

- An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

- A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

- A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

- Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

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Cat Rules

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything not nailed down is a cat toy. Anything which can be pried up isn't sufficiently nailed down.

- At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

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Math Problems

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Drugs or Booze

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"More bad news for air travelers. Earlier today, U.S. Air-

ways began charging passengers on its flights for water.

Even worse, the oxygen masks are now coin-operated."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL

CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm

not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz

***

"I fell in love once, and I thought she fell in love with me

too. Are you familiar with the situation? I sat with an en-

gagement ring, waiting for an answer. I was a single guy with

an engagement ring. It was like having a loaded gun laying

around the house. I was frightened I'd marry somebody by ac-

cident." -Jake Johannsen

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding

an injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived

at the scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But

according to the local newspaper, the police report stated

that the dog was okay and "refused medical treatment."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed,

great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly

of after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks

into an upscale cocktail lounge.

To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking

lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her,

orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So

tell me, do I come here often?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Earnest Prayer

A little boy had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Good!" said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said the little boy. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Exercise

"Don't swallow these pills," the doctor said, The doctor handed her
overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Instead, spill them on the
floor three times a day and pick them up one by one.