hUMOR For Juoly 15th

Illustration - "Procrastinator's Creed"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Procrastinator's Creed

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

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Career Choices

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

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Managers and Engineers

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height
of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape
measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape
measures -- the whole thing is just a mess.

A group of engineers arrive and see what the managers are trying to
do. They walk over to the flagpole, pull it out of the ground and lay
it flat on the ground. They measure it from end to end, give the
measurement to one of the managers, and then walk away.

After the engineers have gone, one manager turns to another and
laughs. "Isn't that just like engineers? We're looking for the height
and they give us the length."

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Unsuitable Steak

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

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Unsuitable Steak

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

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A Sure Bet

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

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Fisher of Men

The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."

"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."

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America's Independence Day

A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball

games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the

start of each game.

Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday

shortly before Independence Day.

The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after

everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out,

"PLAY BALL!!!"

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Politically Correct NFL

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now
on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of
the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football
League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the
upcoming season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall
People on opening day.

Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the
St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering
Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the
showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the
New Orleans Pretty Good People.

The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of
Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes
against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.

The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to
Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.

And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large
Mountain Mammals.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New
England Zealous Lovers of Country.

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Cabbie in Heaven

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

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Drunk Excuses

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

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Tailoring

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.

Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."

After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"

"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

hUMOR For July 14th

”Breakfast Order”

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order.

He says: "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the cook. "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this is, an auto parts store?"

"No" the cook says. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon."

"Oh," says the waitress.

The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says, "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."

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Pronouns

Teacher: Vernie, name two pronouns.

Vernie: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!

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Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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Questions, Questions, Questions!

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

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Reasons to Become a Nurse

- Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
- Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
- Needles: It's better to give than to receive.
- Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops....eventually.
- Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
- Interesting aromas.
- Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
- Celebrate the holidays with all your friends.....at work.
- Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
- Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.

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Slow vs. Fast

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.

Patient: And how much will it cost?

Dentist: It's $90.00.

Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work?

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

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The Salesman's Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of

unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up

trying to get him to change. One day John came home with

another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that

John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their

11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over

two hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late

getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra

credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around

the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of

his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us

where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went

around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his

chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up from

the floor, sat down, and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really

watched an R-rated movie."

"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age,

I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to

John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of

his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said,

"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad

with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and

knocked her out of her chair.

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"It's the last weekend in California to drive and talk on

the cell phone without a headset. Starting Tuesday, if you

are caught talking on the phone without a hands-free device,

you get hit with a $20 fine. One nice thing — now that I

will have my hands free, it's easier to return gun fire with

other motorists." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"My mother was as religious as she was repressed. Her facts

of life speech began with the phrase, 'Satan takes many

forms...'" -Dana Gould

***

"They say that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray,

which is a good thing to remember the next time you get

lonely." -Fred Stoller

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A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house,

which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate

agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day

to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk

to anyone about the house.

One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and

asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first

reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became

more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one

secret but she could not tell it to him.

"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret.

I promise I won't tell anyone."

She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have

monsters in our sewer."

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In the office where I work, there is a constant battle

between our technical-support director and customer-service

personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too

low.

The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his

position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the

temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers

will overheat."

Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my

shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they

keep the computers from overheating before there was air

conditioning?"

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"Bear Flight"

During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Amerians, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.

As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."

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CleanQuote

"Anyone who's led a flawless life is hopelessly imperfect."
- Yasha Harari

hUMOR For July 13th

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take

your eyes off the goal." -Henry Ford

***

"Don't worry about tomorrow. After all, today is the tomor-

row you worried about yesterday."

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Wherever we take our twin daughters, strangers always come

up to us and say, "Look, twins!" During a Las Vegas trip,

though, we were wheeling them in their stroller through a

hotel lobby when a woman came around a corner and exclaimed,

"Look, a pair!"

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Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-

conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained

to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.

"Even the professor is younger than I am," I said.

"Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point

of view. At my age I never thought I would be fooling around

with a college girl again!"

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Bosses Night

At an annual Bosses Night dinner in Helena, Montana, where legal
secretaries sponsored their lawyer bosses, it was time to announce
the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a
graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates
some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That
eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

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It's All in The Perspective

An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car.

The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

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We Got It!

Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right.

The third statistician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "On the average we got it!"

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Eating Frogs

An economist and an accountant are walking along a large puddle. They come across a frog jumping on the mud.

The economist says: "If you eat the frog I'll give you $20,000!"

The accountant checks his budget and figures out he's better off eating it, so he does and collects money.

Frog by Deddi Shy Continuing along the same puddle they almost step into yet another frog. The accountant says:

"Now, if you eat this frog I'll give you $20,000."

After evaluating the proposal the economist eats the frog and gets the money.

They go on. The accountant starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate frogs. I don't see us being better off."

The economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."

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Searching

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"

The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

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Star Wars Punny

One day, Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi were at a very

fancy dinner party they had hosted. They were seated in full

view of the rest of the people in attendance, and Luke, his

table manners somewhat lacking, was devouring his bantha

meat with his bare hands.

Obi-Wan, sensing that this display of savageness was rather

disturbing to their guests, leaned over to Luke, and

whispered: "Use the fork, Luke!"

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"The fourth of July is less than a week away. I'm already

trying to figure out which finger to blow off."

-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"My family gets together with me every Fourth of July. Two

years ago, we saw my uncle drinking out of a flask... turns

out it was charcoal lighter fluid." -David Letterman

***

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, the big story out there con-

tinues to be the high cost of gasoline. Four bucks a gallon.

I have stopped traveling anywhere that is not downhill."

-Stephen Colbert

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A wholesaler in New York sent a letter to the postmaster of

a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest

lawyer who would take a collection case against a local

debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the whole-

saler's goods. He got this reply:

Dear Sir: I am the postmaster of this village and received

your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would

be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor.

In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you

sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay

and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the

draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a

note stating that the merchant had refused to pay.

If I were not, for the time being, substituting for the

pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I

thought of your claim.

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An elderly man constantly called his doctor at all hours of

the day and night and would then keep him on the phone with

a litany of imagined ailments.

Finally the doctor could take it no longer. "Listen, Mr.

Jones, if you wake me up again in the middle of the night

with another one of your tales about some made-up ailment,

I am going to insist you see another physician. Have I

made myself clear?"

A week later, the unfortunate man slipped and fell down a

flight of stairs, breaking his hip, two ribs, en elbow, and

suffering a concussion. He was rushed to the hospital and

put in intensive care.

An hour later, his doctor walked in, saw his condition, and

exclaimed "I think you're finally getting the hang of it!"

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Breaking Habits

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth!"

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"Library Argument"

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures.

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

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Oneliner

"For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong."

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CleanPun - "X-Ray Failure"

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.

"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.

"I do." said the student.

"A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver."

"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student

"I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it."

hUMOR For July 12th

Easy Payment Plan

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the Revenue Canada Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Sir, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in Canada. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," responded the man with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

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"Golden Bear Answer"

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"

To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

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Oneliner

"If you ever find yourself being ripped apart by a pack of wolves, try not to scream - everybody knows wolves can smell fear.
- Sean Alex

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CleanPun - "Rock and Roll Re-Releases"

Everybody is remaking their oldies hits!

- Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"

- The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"

- The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"

- Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"

- Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"

- Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"

- Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

- Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

- ABBA - "Denture Queen"

- Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"

- Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"

- Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"

- Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

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”Flying Star”

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.

He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.

Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "Ahh soo, you only make one velly impoltant mistake!"

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Smoking man zapped by lightning

Ocala, Fla. (UPI) -- A Florida man said it felt like he "stuck a fork in an outlet" when lightning struck him while he was holding a cigarette out the window of an apartment.

Adam Rice said he was listening to music and watching TV in an apartment in Orange County, Fla., when lightning zapped him on the hand Wednesday, it was reported.

"All of sudden it sounded like fireworks go off, just loud pops, like, constantly. The whole house lit up blue and I got zapped on my hand," he said.

Rice said he could feel the electricity leave through his feet after it went through his body.

The lightning strike caused nearby brush to burst into flames, WKMG said.

"I called the fire department and I (said), 'I just got struck by lightning and the woods are on fire.' Next thing I know my body felt like I stuck a fork in an outlet," he told reporters.

Rice said his foot burns a little but he decided not to go to the doctor.

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Rules Of Washington D.C.

- If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

- Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

- There is always one more son of a gun than you counted on.

- An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

- The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

- Chicken little only has to be right once.

- "NO" is only an interim response.

- You can't kill a bad idea.

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

- The truth is a variable.

- A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

- You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

- A promise is not a guarantee.

- If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

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The Owl and The Pussycat

The owl and the pussycat went to sea,
but the end of our story's quite sad.
The owl pushed the pussycat over the edge
`cos her gameboy was driving him mad.

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In the Confession Box

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."

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Everybody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

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Everybody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

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Pants

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more
successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he
was henpecked.

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of
his fiends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in
your family?"

"I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash
and iron them."

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"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."

-Joseph Heller

hUMOR For July 11th

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister

left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month old nephew.

I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said, "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

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Priorities

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

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"Vacation Offer"

A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss' kind offer.

The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?" The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.

"Well, what are they?" asked the boss.

"The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."

The boss asked him what the other reason was.

"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation."

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Oneliner

"Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo"

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CleanPun - "Defence Contractor"

My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

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"Fools and wise men are equally harmless. It is the half

fools and the half wise who are dangerous."

--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

***

"For God's sake give me the young man who has brains enough

to make a fool of himself." -Robert L Stevenson

***

"The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large

audience." Artie Schopenhauer

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On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted

several historical points of interest. The children were

especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game

"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships

the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to

look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.

Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my

daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen

always die."

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Chatting with my mother-in-law I asked, "Have you heard of

this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one

and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"

"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to

the phrase 'family jewels.'"

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of Iowa this week, but they did not cross each other's path. McCain said he didn't want to join up with Bush because that might send the wrong message. Yeah, nothing turns voters off more than people getting together for a noble cause." --Jay Leno

Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman

"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno

"Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. ... Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'" --Conan O'Brien

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of Iowa this week, but they did not cross each other's path. McCain said he didn't want to join up with Bush because that might send the wrong message. Yeah, nothing turns voters off more than people getting together for a noble cause." --Jay Leno

Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman

"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno

"Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. ... Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'" --Conan O'Brien

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College Sports Quiz

A guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

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Getting Used to It

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

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Weird News

UK speeder case hinges on road's existence

DORSET, England (UPI) -- An accused British speeder bought himself some more time by contending the road he was driving along doesn't officially exist.

Nicholas Hoare contended in a Dorset courtroom that the road is listed by two names, which he argued means the surveillance camera that has busted him four times in the past four years isn't really where government records say it is.

"The … camera does not exist on the road that it says it does," he said. "It is an administrative error."

Hoare could lose his license, and possibly his job, if his argument doesn't work, The Telegraph said Wednesday.

The newspaper said the magistrates seemed to take a tepid view of the legal maneuverings. However, they adjourned the case until September to gather more information.

hUMOR For July 10th

”Asking Questions”

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,may I smoke while I pray?"

But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation ;)

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Walking to School

You’ve probably heard Vernie Allen tell his "walking to school" stories ... I walked
to school each day, 5 miles, uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the snow .....

Vernie did this when he was a kid, He really did walk 5 miles to school every
day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did he feel stupid when I
found out there was a bus.

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Rubber Ball Specs

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

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Chemist Speak

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it, I can never remember that word."

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Physics vs. Math

A physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an emphirical equation that seems to explain his data. He asks the math professor to look at it.

A week later, the math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the physics professor has used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he asks the math professor to look again.

Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The math professor tells the physics professor the equation does work, "But only in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive."

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How to Tell

If you can pick it up, it's a PC.

If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer.

But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe.

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"Dangerous Cargo"

Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!

Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.

When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!

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CleanQuote

"Where does the idea come from that if what we are doing is fun, it can't be God's will? The God who made giraffes, has a sense of humor. Make no mistake about that."
- Catherine Marshall

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Illustration - "Impressionable"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I was taking my six year old son to sign him up at the Chicago Boys Club, an event he was long waiting for.

As I parked in front of the building he stated; "This isn’t the boys club."

I looked through the windshield and looked at the Boys Club sign. I asked him, "If this isn’t the boys club, then where is it?"

He replied, "Oh, you know…where the light is."

It took me a few seconds before it dawned on me that our high rise living room window overlooked the rotating beacon on Hugh Hefner’s Playboy club.

- A true story from list member Jerry Anthony.

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Good Question

If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?

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Accounts

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"

"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.

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Taxonomist's Eternity

A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.

The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."

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Oh Nurse?

Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."

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"Bath Note"

Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.

Emergencies ARE:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are NOT:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.

I'll be out soon. Maybe.

Love,
Your Mom