hUMOR For July 13th

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take

your eyes off the goal." -Henry Ford

***

"Don't worry about tomorrow. After all, today is the tomor-

row you worried about yesterday."

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Wherever we take our twin daughters, strangers always come

up to us and say, "Look, twins!" During a Las Vegas trip,

though, we were wheeling them in their stroller through a

hotel lobby when a woman came around a corner and exclaimed,

"Look, a pair!"

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Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-

conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained

to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.

"Even the professor is younger than I am," I said.

"Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point

of view. At my age I never thought I would be fooling around

with a college girl again!"

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Bosses Night

At an annual Bosses Night dinner in Helena, Montana, where legal
secretaries sponsored their lawyer bosses, it was time to announce
the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a
graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates
some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That
eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

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It's All in The Perspective

An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car.

The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

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We Got It!

Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right.

The third statistician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "On the average we got it!"

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Eating Frogs

An economist and an accountant are walking along a large puddle. They come across a frog jumping on the mud.

The economist says: "If you eat the frog I'll give you $20,000!"

The accountant checks his budget and figures out he's better off eating it, so he does and collects money.

Frog by Deddi Shy Continuing along the same puddle they almost step into yet another frog. The accountant says:

"Now, if you eat this frog I'll give you $20,000."

After evaluating the proposal the economist eats the frog and gets the money.

They go on. The accountant starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate frogs. I don't see us being better off."

The economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."

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Searching

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"

The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

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Star Wars Punny

One day, Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi were at a very

fancy dinner party they had hosted. They were seated in full

view of the rest of the people in attendance, and Luke, his

table manners somewhat lacking, was devouring his bantha

meat with his bare hands.

Obi-Wan, sensing that this display of savageness was rather

disturbing to their guests, leaned over to Luke, and

whispered: "Use the fork, Luke!"

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"The fourth of July is less than a week away. I'm already

trying to figure out which finger to blow off."

-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"My family gets together with me every Fourth of July. Two

years ago, we saw my uncle drinking out of a flask... turns

out it was charcoal lighter fluid." -David Letterman

***

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, the big story out there con-

tinues to be the high cost of gasoline. Four bucks a gallon.

I have stopped traveling anywhere that is not downhill."

-Stephen Colbert

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A wholesaler in New York sent a letter to the postmaster of

a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest

lawyer who would take a collection case against a local

debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the whole-

saler's goods. He got this reply:

Dear Sir: I am the postmaster of this village and received

your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would

be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor.

In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you

sold those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay

and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the

draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a

note stating that the merchant had refused to pay.

If I were not, for the time being, substituting for the

pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I

thought of your claim.

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An elderly man constantly called his doctor at all hours of

the day and night and would then keep him on the phone with

a litany of imagined ailments.

Finally the doctor could take it no longer. "Listen, Mr.

Jones, if you wake me up again in the middle of the night

with another one of your tales about some made-up ailment,

I am going to insist you see another physician. Have I

made myself clear?"

A week later, the unfortunate man slipped and fell down a

flight of stairs, breaking his hip, two ribs, en elbow, and

suffering a concussion. He was rushed to the hospital and

put in intensive care.

An hour later, his doctor walked in, saw his condition, and

exclaimed "I think you're finally getting the hang of it!"

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Breaking Habits

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth!"

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"Library Argument"

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures.

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

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Oneliner

"For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong."

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CleanPun - "X-Ray Failure"

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.

"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.

"I do." said the student.

"A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach, and liver."

"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the student

"I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your heart into it."

hUMOR For July 12th

Easy Payment Plan

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the Revenue Canada Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Sir, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in Canada. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," responded the man with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

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"Golden Bear Answer"

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"

To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

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Oneliner

"If you ever find yourself being ripped apart by a pack of wolves, try not to scream - everybody knows wolves can smell fear.
- Sean Alex

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CleanPun - "Rock and Roll Re-Releases"

Everybody is remaking their oldies hits!

- Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"

- The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"

- The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"

- Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"

- Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"

- Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"

- Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

- Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

- ABBA - "Denture Queen"

- Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"

- Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"

- Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"

- Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

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”Flying Star”

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.

He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.

Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "Ahh soo, you only make one velly impoltant mistake!"

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Smoking man zapped by lightning

Ocala, Fla. (UPI) -- A Florida man said it felt like he "stuck a fork in an outlet" when lightning struck him while he was holding a cigarette out the window of an apartment.

Adam Rice said he was listening to music and watching TV in an apartment in Orange County, Fla., when lightning zapped him on the hand Wednesday, it was reported.

"All of sudden it sounded like fireworks go off, just loud pops, like, constantly. The whole house lit up blue and I got zapped on my hand," he said.

Rice said he could feel the electricity leave through his feet after it went through his body.

The lightning strike caused nearby brush to burst into flames, WKMG said.

"I called the fire department and I (said), 'I just got struck by lightning and the woods are on fire.' Next thing I know my body felt like I stuck a fork in an outlet," he told reporters.

Rice said his foot burns a little but he decided not to go to the doctor.

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Rules Of Washington D.C.

- If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

- Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

- There is always one more son of a gun than you counted on.

- An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

- The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

- Chicken little only has to be right once.

- "NO" is only an interim response.

- You can't kill a bad idea.

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

- The truth is a variable.

- A porcupine with his quills down in just another fat rodent.

- You can agree with any concept or notional future option, in principle, but fight implementation every step of the way.

- A promise is not a guarantee.

- If you can't counter the argument, leave the meeting.

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The Owl and The Pussycat

The owl and the pussycat went to sea,
but the end of our story's quite sad.
The owl pushed the pussycat over the edge
`cos her gameboy was driving him mad.

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In the Confession Box

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."

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Everybody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

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Everybody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

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Pants

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more
successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he
was henpecked.

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of
his fiends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in
your family?"

"I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash
and iron them."

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"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."

-Joseph Heller

hUMOR For July 11th

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister

left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month old nephew.

I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said, "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.

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Priorities

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

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"Vacation Offer"

A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss' kind offer.

The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?" The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.

"Well, what are they?" asked the boss.

"The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."

The boss asked him what the other reason was.

"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation."

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Oneliner

"Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo"

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CleanPun - "Defence Contractor"

My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

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"Fools and wise men are equally harmless. It is the half

fools and the half wise who are dangerous."

--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

***

"For God's sake give me the young man who has brains enough

to make a fool of himself." -Robert L Stevenson

***

"The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large

audience." Artie Schopenhauer

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On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted

several historical points of interest. The children were

especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game

"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships

the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to

look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.

Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my

daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen

always die."

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Chatting with my mother-in-law I asked, "Have you heard of

this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one

and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"

"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to

the phrase 'family jewels.'"

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of Iowa this week, but they did not cross each other's path. McCain said he didn't want to join up with Bush because that might send the wrong message. Yeah, nothing turns voters off more than people getting together for a noble cause." --Jay Leno

Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman

"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno

"Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. ... Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'" --Conan O'Brien

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of Iowa this week, but they did not cross each other's path. McCain said he didn't want to join up with Bush because that might send the wrong message. Yeah, nothing turns voters off more than people getting together for a noble cause." --Jay Leno

Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman

"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno

"Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. ... Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'" --Conan O'Brien

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College Sports Quiz

A guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

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Getting Used to It

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

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Weird News

UK speeder case hinges on road's existence

DORSET, England (UPI) -- An accused British speeder bought himself some more time by contending the road he was driving along doesn't officially exist.

Nicholas Hoare contended in a Dorset courtroom that the road is listed by two names, which he argued means the surveillance camera that has busted him four times in the past four years isn't really where government records say it is.

"The … camera does not exist on the road that it says it does," he said. "It is an administrative error."

Hoare could lose his license, and possibly his job, if his argument doesn't work, The Telegraph said Wednesday.

The newspaper said the magistrates seemed to take a tepid view of the legal maneuverings. However, they adjourned the case until September to gather more information.

hUMOR For July 10th

”Asking Questions”

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest,may I smoke while I pray?"

But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral : The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

For Example : Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation ;)

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Walking to School

You’ve probably heard Vernie Allen tell his "walking to school" stories ... I walked
to school each day, 5 miles, uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the snow .....

Vernie did this when he was a kid, He really did walk 5 miles to school every
day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did he feel stupid when I
found out there was a bus.

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Rubber Ball Specs

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

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Chemist Speak

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.

"That's it, I can never remember that word."

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Physics vs. Math

A physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an emphirical equation that seems to explain his data. He asks the math professor to look at it.

A week later, the math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the physics professor has used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he asks the math professor to look again.

Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The math professor tells the physics professor the equation does work, "But only in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive."

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How to Tell

If you can pick it up, it's a PC.

If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer.

But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe.

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"Dangerous Cargo"

Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!

Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.

When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!

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CleanQuote

"Where does the idea come from that if what we are doing is fun, it can't be God's will? The God who made giraffes, has a sense of humor. Make no mistake about that."
- Catherine Marshall

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Illustration - "Impressionable"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I was taking my six year old son to sign him up at the Chicago Boys Club, an event he was long waiting for.

As I parked in front of the building he stated; "This isn’t the boys club."

I looked through the windshield and looked at the Boys Club sign. I asked him, "If this isn’t the boys club, then where is it?"

He replied, "Oh, you know…where the light is."

It took me a few seconds before it dawned on me that our high rise living room window overlooked the rotating beacon on Hugh Hefner’s Playboy club.

- A true story from list member Jerry Anthony.

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Good Question

If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?

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Accounts

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"

"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.

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Taxonomist's Eternity

A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.

The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."

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Oh Nurse?

Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."

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"Bath Note"

Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it more this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.

Emergencies ARE:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are NOT:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.

I'll be out soon. Maybe.

Love,
Your Mom

hUMOR For July 9th

Single-Minded

A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."

The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ways the Internet Could Get Worse

- "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment.

- Sun internet servers replaced with Pentiums.

- Al Gore appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team."

- Free netcom account with purchase of Big Mac.

- Gameboy web browsers.

- Two words: "Microsoft Network"

- Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ten Years

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

You Know You're From Tennessee When...

/* Many of these apply to Alabama as well! - jp */

You've never met any celebrities -- other than Fred

Thompson.

"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.

You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still

Summer, and Christmas.

You laugh when people from anywhere north of Tennessee try

to say or spell "y'all."

It's "Mar-vull," not "Mary-ville."

It's "Knox-vull," not "Knox-ville."

A toboggan is a hat, not a sled.

You butter your hot biscuit by cutting it open, putting a

slab of butter inside, and closing it back up again.

Pigeon Forge is not pronounced with a French accent.

Gatlinburg does have an "L" in it and it should be

pronounced.

Sales tax is 9.75%.

You shop at Wal-Mart for groceries, not at a grocery store.

You don't drive in Knoxville on game day. EVER.

You or your friends chew.

You can't remember the last time you saw snow.

You know when Elvis Presley Day is.

You know all of the words to "Rocky Top."

You avoid going anywhere near Bristol Motor Speedway on race

weekend.

You think it's worth it driving to Alabama just to save

1.25% on the sales tax.

You eat "dinner" at noon and "supper" in the evening.

Your Wal-Mart has specific parking spots for horses and

buggies.

You use "commode" in conversations and absolutely no one

knows what you're talking about.

You barely get snow days because there's hardly ever any

snow. Better yet, you get snow days if your local weather

stations predict even the slightest bit of snow!

You and everyone you know goes to one vacation spot: Panama

City.

You know how to do the watermelon crawl.

Everything is COKE, and if you don't like it, tough. Ex:

"You want a COKE?" "Sure." "Which kind?" "Dr. Pepper."

You're in a Carhartt jacket one day, shorts the next, and no

one thinks anything about it.

Everyone you know owns a truck, and at least one of those

trucks is just painted with primer or more colors than the

rainbow.

You measure distance in minutes, not miles.

You drive through a rich neighborhood and see the wannabe

redneck kids with their brand-new Fords and their designer

holey jeans and cowboy hats.

Boomsday in Knoxville is equal to New Year's Eve at Times

Square.

Knoxville becomes the third largest city every Saturday in

the fall.

Sweet tea is THE DRINK...no questions, no exceptions. Most

people from Tennessee begin drinking sweet tea even before

they can drink out of sippy cups. Iced tea is appropriate

for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We

do like a little tea with our sugar!

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same

day.

You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the

store."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,

vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and

leave both unlocked.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car -- for your OWN car.

You own only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco, and

ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on

one page but require six pages for local gossip and sports.

You think that the first day of deer season is a national

holiday.

You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

Fried catfish is "the other white meat."

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good

pinto-bean weather.

You're convinced you don't need driver's ed -- your father's

and uncles' pickup trucks were training enough.

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in

the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in

Tennessee.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in

Tennessee plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your flesh a picnic.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter

what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark

to see.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter

what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark

to see.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent

the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records...

at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the

cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get

out." --Julian Clary

***

Next week is the Fourth of July. The networks always run

these fireworks safety videos to make sure no one has any

fun on the Fourth of July. I know they're supposed to make

us scared of fireworks, but after seeing them I feel this

intense desire to blow something up." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"If it is very painful for you to criticize your friends,

you are safe doing it. But if you take the slightest

pleasure in it, that is the time to hold your tongue."

--Alice Miller

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The orthodontist and his assistants were removing my eight-

year-old's dental appliance. Because it was cemented to

the upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release

it. When it finally popped out, three baby teeth came out

as well. My child was horrified at seeing the gaps.

"Well," my child said to the staff gathered around, "who

do I see about getting some dentures?"