hUMOR For July 7th

Magna Carta

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Darn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

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"Prison Joke Book"

It was Mickey's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Mickey heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter!

Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter.

A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.

Mickey didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.

"Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door.

"What's going on, here?" asked Mickey.

"Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number."

So the next day Mickey went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover.

That night, wanting to be part of the group, Mickey confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.

After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing.

Mickey rapped on the cell wall.

"Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate.

"I don't understand it," asked Mickey, "Why is Tommy STILL laughing?"

"Well," said the gruff inmate, "He'd never heard that one before!"

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Oneliner

"Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - today, it's called golf."

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CleanPun - "Bridge Club"

My wife made me join a bridge club.

I jump off next Saturday.

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"Q&A from an AARP Forum"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant!
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Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
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Q: Why should 60+ year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
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Q: Is it common for 60+ year-olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
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Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
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Q: Where should 60+ year-olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
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Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year-olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
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NOTE: Large type so you can read it easier!

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This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny.
What a great sense of humor ... and creativity!!!

When I was born, I was black,

When I grew up, I was BLACK,

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK ,

When I got cold, I was BLACK ,

When I was scared, I was BLACK ,

When I was sick, I was BLACK ,

And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .

NOW, You "white" folks....

When you're born, you're PINK ,

When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,

When you go in the sun, you get RED ,

When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,

When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,

When you get sick, you're GREEN ,

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,

And when you die, you look GRAY .

So who y'all callin'

C O L O R E D folks?....

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Midnight Feeding”

"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?"

"No. I always did that."

"That must have been before you had women's liberation."

"No, it was before we had baby bottles."

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Paid in Full

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A
billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to
hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to
tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

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Weird News

Hulk statue recovered after theft

BOISE, Idaho (UPI) -- The Boise, Idaho, owner of a Styrofoam and paper mache statue of the Hulk that was stolen from his comic book store said the item has been found.

Jeff Leslie, owner of Outpost 12 comics, said the 7-foot tall statue of the popular comic book, TV and film character was taken by two men who emerged from a neighboring business and put the Hulk in their pickup truck, KTVB-TV, Boise, reported.

"What bothers me most is that it happened in broad daylight," Leslie said. "We bring him into the store at night so that this doesn't happen but this was broad daylight."

Leslie said the statue was found a few miles from the store with its feet broken and an arm torn off. He said the $300 statue took six months to create.

Police said they were searching for two suspects seen driving in a white Ford pickup truck.

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101-year-old pilot still flying

SOMERSET, Pa. (UPI) -- A 101-year-old Somerset, Pa., man who recently renewed his license might be the nation's oldest licensed pilot, said the man who administered the pilot's test.

Ernie Trent said he has been flying planes since the 1930s -- including a stint training B-52 pilots during World War II -- and he has never crashed an airplane or been injured by a plane-related incident, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported.

"I just like airplanes," Trent said.

Richard Gibbs, a longtime friend of Trent's who oversaw the elderly pilot's last proficiency test, described his friend as "the oldest licensed pilot in the United States. At least as far as I know."

Gibbs said Trent, who must pass a proficiency test every two years, remains sturdy in the cockpit of his single-engine Avid Flyer plane.

"It's very natural to him," Gibbs said. "His skill level is pretty high."

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Two Pigs

Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."

"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"

"Of course" says the first.

The second farmer continued: "and of you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"

"Absolutely"

"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"

"Ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"

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Making a Deal

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.

He said, "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."

Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"

The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."

"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"

hUMOR For July 6th

Social Worker

A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?"

The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."

The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

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Experiment

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

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A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching? Through the eyes of a child…Children's Bible in a Nutshell:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Fairisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Fairisees and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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Bewildered

My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic

training and was on leave prior to his first tour in

Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot, and my other

brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the air

base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we

offered to take him.

When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's

fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while

my other brother and I followed with his gear. As Tony

approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their

dumbfounded stares.

Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two

brothers giving him a lift; they were seeing a new private

arrive in his own helicopter -- with a captain and sergeant

carrying his bags!

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"Office Visit"

A middle-aged man walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's tutu, flippers and a scuba mask.

The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The man answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..."

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CleanQuote

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong."
- H L Mencken

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Illustration - "Odd Facts"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. What distinguishes "60 Minutes" on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to count until you found the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on what day of the year?
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

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Chow Time

During an Army Reserve unit's annual training, the battalion commander was upset that evening chow was late. He called the mess hall, and the mass sergeant explained that because their vehicle broke down, they couldn't deliver the field rations to our bivouac site.

The commander immediately yelled to his driver, "Private! Drive to the mess hall and get chow!" The private took off on the 15-minute trip. Over an hour later, we were dismayed to see him return empty-handed.

"Private!" demanded the commander. "What about chow?"

"It was delicious, sir." replied the driver. "I got there right before the mess hall closed, so I got seconds."

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New Fathers

A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse
beckoned to one of them and said, "Congratulations, you have a son!"

Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and said, "Hey, what's
the idea? I got here two hours before he did!"

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Forgiveness

Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom
chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done.
"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that
up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've
forgiven and forgotten."

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Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her

21-year-old roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932

Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad

about that?"

"He was the original owner."

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flooding in the Iowa and New Orleans

Got this in an email, it did not originate with me. But I do agree!!
*******************************
Just a personal observation...as I watched the news coverage of the massive flooding in the Midwest with over 100 blocks of the city of Cedar Rapids, Iowa under water, levees breaking, and the attention now turned downstream for when this massive amount of water hits the Mississippi, what amazed me is not what we saw, but what we didn't see...

1. We don't see looting.
2. We don't see street violence.
3. We don't see people sitting on their rooftops waiting for the government to come and save them.
4. We don't see people waiting on the government to do anything.
5. We don't see Hollywood organizing benefits to raise money for people to rebuild.
6. We don't see people blaming President Bush.
7. We don't see people ignoring evacuation orders.
8. We don't see people blaming a government conspiracy to blow up the levees as the reason some have not held.
9. We don't see the US Senators or the Governor of Iowa crying on TV.
10. We don't see the Mayors of any of these cities complaining about the lack of state or federal response.
11. We don't see or hear reports of the police going around confiscating personal firearms so only the criminal will be armed.
12. We don't see gangs of people going around and randomly shooting at the rescue workers.
13. You don't see some leaders in this country blaming the bad behavior of the Iowa flood victims on "society" (of course there is no wide spread reports of lawlessness to require excuses).
*************************

Must be a midwest thing

hUMOR For July 5th

Weird News

Boy breaks silence, shocks parents

LONDON (UPI) -- The mother of a young boy with a severe communication disorder says she is "over the moon" with happiness since he spoke for the first time.

Jamie Jenkins, 5, of Swindon, England, who has Autistic Spectrum Disorder, brought joy to his parents when he uttered the words "mumma" and "purple" for the first time, The Daily Telegraph reported Saturday.

"I'm over the moon. I give so much to Jamie and I try so hard all the time," his mother Emma Jenkins said. "He has been trying for a long time, but he has properly said a word now."

Jamie has been visiting London's National Light and Sound Therapy Center where he participated in therapy sessions twice each day, the British newspaper said.

Jamie's mother said he now says the words "purple" and "mumma" frequently.

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Suspected robber had hungry pets

OSAKA, Japan (UPI) -- A man accused of robbing two convenience stores in Japan while wearing an animal mask was desperate for money to feed his pets, police say.

Police allege Takaharu Kawata, 28, admitted robbing a pair of stores in Osaka to get money to buy food for the hungry animals, The Asahi Shimbun said Saturday.

The unemployed man was arrested on a second charge of robbery June 9 and is currently on trial for robbery charges, police say.

The Shimbun said the alleged animal mask thief owns two dogs, two snakes, five cats, five turtles and an aquarium of tropical fish.

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Swedish crimes relocate in summer

GOTHENBURG, Sweden (UPI) -- Midsummer Eve, or the European celebration of the summer solstice, takes violence out of Swedish streets and brings it into the home, police say.

Erik Jeppsson of the police department in Sweden's Skane region says as the weather continues to warm up during the annual celebration, so do individuals' tempers in private homes, The Local said Saturday.

"Fighting doesn't start in the pubs, it occurs at home when parties get out of control. We have been called out to quite a few private homes," he said of midsummer violence.

Yet despite the relocation of such annual violence, police in the city of Kalmar insist Friday night's Midsummer Eve's celebration brought its fair share of disturbances.

"We have had a lot to do this evening. Around 20 people have been arrested for assault or drunken disorder. Four young men have been taken to hospital following assaults with knives or having been kicked," Kalmar police official Jan-Erik Petersson told the Local.

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Summer solstice celebrated at Stonehenge

STONEHENGE, England (UPI) -- About 30,000 people gathered at Stonehenge in the English countryside to celebrate the summer solstice despite heavy rains, officials said.

A spokeswoman for English Heritage said the weekend crowd was the biggest turnout in five years, the Daily Mail reported.

One of those gathered was Peter Rawcliffe, 26, who cycled to Stonehenge from his home in Oxfordshire, more than 50 miles away.

"I've done this for the last three years, I suppose I'm a bit of a closet druid," he said.

The sun rose over the ancient stone circle at 4:58 a.m.

Kate Hawkins, who took her two children to the event, said they had a "lovely time" but the rain got to be too much.

"The thought of bed and a warm bath waiting at home was too tempting," she said.

Stonehenge, which was built in three phases between 3000 B.C. and 1600 B.C., is one of Britain's most popular tourist attractions.

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Fire Engine

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"

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Shaping Up for a Good Excuse

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the officer replied.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,

"Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

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The Older Golfer

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

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Anyone for a Cigar

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer?

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

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"It takes time to raise about 25 children. I know, I have

two myself. That's plenty. Mine are twins, though. Both of

them. They're awfully cute. I can't think of their names.

They don't come when I call them anyway." --Victor Borge

***

After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting

around the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer

stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down

his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give

this stupid game up!"

***

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody

can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

-Demetri Martin

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"Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual"

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters

who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teen-

agers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud

new owner of a teenage daughter.

Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the main-

tenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions

about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to

return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:

To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager

girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:

(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with

more makeup and less clothing?

(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth

(except when requesting money)?

(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?

If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.

Nice try, though.

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I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a

woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the

clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on

her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she

could get for her.

"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered.

"I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me

look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."

From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make

that two."

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Sound of Drums

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

hUMOR For July 4th

New Math

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the blankety-blank difference?"

"That's exactly what I said!"

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WeirdNews

5 runaway monkeys caught, 10 still loose

LAKELAND , Fla. (UPI) -- Florida wildlife officials said they have recovered five of the 15 Patas monkeys that escaped from a Polk County, Fla., wildlife sanctuary.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission said three of the monkeys were caught last week only a few miles from the private animal sanctuary they fled from April 19, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported Wednesday.

"They hadn't gone far," commission spokesman Gary Morse said.

Morse said trappers have set up "bait stations" to attempt to lull the monkeys into an eating routine that would make their capture easier.

"It's taken longer than we had hoped for," Morse said.

Lex Salisbury, chief executive of Lowry Park Zoo, said the monkeys had been given a home on a 1-acre island that was surrounded by a wide moat in the Safari Wild sanctuary; but the native African primates, which had been relocated from Puerto Rico, vanished from their new habitat within days.

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Police: Thief threw burrito at clerk

STOCKTON, Calif. (UPI) -- Authorities in San Joaquin County, Calif., say they are searching for a man who allegedly struck a store clerk with a frozen burrito and stole a bag of chips.

San Joaquin County sheriff's deputies said the New Country Market clerk, who was not injured, told them the man became angry after he refused to lower the price of the $2 frozen burrito, KCRA-TV in Sacramento reported Wednesday.

The man, who claimed to have only $1, threw the burrito at the clerk and fled the store with a bag of chips, the clerk told police.

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Police: Students left skull in apartment

PHILADELPHIA (UPI) -- Police said a human skull was found inside an apartment that had recently been vacated by a group of seven University of Pennsylvania students.

Philadelphia police said an assistant manager of the apartment building found the skull on the kitchen counter after the students had left, WCAU-TV, Philadelphia, reported Wednesday.

Investigators said they do not know which of the students left the skull behind and thus far there is no indication that a crime has been committed.

Lt. Frank Vanore said the discovery makes "kind of a weird story," even for the Philadelphia police. He said the skull may have been used as a learning tool for a medical student or it may have been purposefully left in the kitchen as a prank.

Jeff Moran, a spokesman for the Philadelphia Medical Examiner's Office, said the skull will be analyzed by a forensic anthropologist.

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PETA letter sent to wrong town's officials

OLMSTED FALLS, Ohio (UPI) -- Officials in Olmsted Falls, Ohio, said a letter they received from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals should have been sent to nearby Olmsted Township.

Olmsted Falls Mayor Robert Blomquist and the local City Council received a letter from PETA that urged them to outlaw use of bullhooks, electric prods and other objects used to cause pain to elephants ahead of a recent circus, WEWS-TV, Cleveland, reported Wednesday.

However, the circus was actually held in Olmsted Township, which is governed by a separate group of officials. The event took place as planned Tuesday.

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Hiccup spell stops after 65 days

OMAHA (UPI) -- An Omaha, Neb., woman said her 11-year-old daughter's chronic hiccups stopped abruptly after 65 days.

Dawn Swanger said doctors told her there was nothing physically wrong with her daughter, Ericka, and the family tried all manner of home remedies for the condition, including drinking water through a towel while upside-down and using a drinking device called a "Hic-cup," KETV, Omaha, Neb., reported Thursday.

"It started April 1," Ericka said. "We were in English class at school, and it was no big deal. Then, a couple weeks later, we started getting worried. They hurt, but not that much anymore. I got used to the pain."

Dawn Swanger said her daughter's hiccups stopped mysteriously on the day she was to have visited hypnotist Jeanette Laitner, who hypothesized the condition was being caused by the girl's subconscious.

"It might have started out physically, but it ends up being subconscious," Laitner said.

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Boy, 9, crashes family minivan

LORAIN, Ohio (UPI) -- A 9-year-old Lorain, Ohio, boy and his 5-year-old sister are "very grounded" after they crashed their family's minivan during a joyride, their mother said.

Police said Hunter Lance, 9, drove one to two miles in the minivan with his sister, Jessica, 5, in tow before he swerved on a busy road, grazed a telephone pole and barreled into a fence, WEWS-TV, Cleveland, reported Thursday.

The children suffered minor injuries and had exited the vehicle by the time police arrived.

Their mother, Marsha Lance, said the children apparently took her keys out of her purse while she was sleeping. She said she did not know the children were gone until she was awakened by police at her door.

"I was OK for a minute and then I was in shock," she said.

She said the children seemed to have been headed to visit their father at work in the town of Oberlin.

Hunter, who said he does not plan to repeat the stunt anytime soon, said curiosity led him to take the minivan for a spin.

"Well, I wanted to see how good I could drive," he said.

Police said the crash will be reviewed by a prosecutor, but no charges are expected.

/// 91-year-old square dance caller thrives

ROXBURY, Conn. (UPI) -- A 91-year-old Connecticut man said he must be "doing something right" to still be healthy and calling square-dances after 62 years on the job.

When people ask Culver Griffin, of Roxbury, Conn., how he has lived to be 91, he said he simply tells them "I haven't died yet."

"But beyond that, I've been dancing for 75 years, and I have my own knees and my own hips and most of my friends who are 60-year-olds have metal hips, so I guess I'm doing something right," he said.

Griffin, who has survived two angioplasties and two heart attacks, began square dancing when he was 18 and has been calling the dances since 1946, The New York Times reported Thursday.

Griffin said his 57-year-old wife and good genetics help keep him young.

He still calls dances every Friday at a senior living facility in Bethel, Conn.

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Initial Protocol

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit.

One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed.

A few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee."

"Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

I did.

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"Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement"

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy.

You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.

Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.

The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.

Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".

Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.

To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.

Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for directions.

Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.

Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.

Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.

Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.

Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.

If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

The speed with which you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.

Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.

Bullet proof vests might be.

Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.

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Oneliner

"At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all."

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CleanPun - "Heredity"

"The child had his mother's eyes, his mother's nose and his mother's mouth. Which left his mother with a pretty blank expression."
- Robert Benchley

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”Nine”

Rod was meeting a friend at a singles bar, and as he went in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. "Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed.

Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him a girl had just rated him a nine!

"I don't want to burst your bubble," his friend replied, "but when you came in, they were speaking German."

hUMOR For June 3re

”Ice Cream Order”

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"

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If You Love Something.....

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it.

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Beer Producers

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

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Chuck Norris is One Bad Dude

- Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

- Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

- In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

- It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

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Six-Pack

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff, "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'Are you Steve's widow?''Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said, "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

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Stupid Cops

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, "Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We almost had that guy and his girlfriend."

The Sarge replied, "You stupid rookie! That Camaro is in Georgia now. They are an hour ahead of us, so we'll never be able to catch 'em."

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Horse Walks into a Bar

Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper. The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it.

Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.

The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."

To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"

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Scavenger Hunt

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys standing there holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"

To which the little boy replied, "Our babysitter's boyfriend."

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Use Computers to Look Busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either.

When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter.

Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

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Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Ehr, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Gay folks are now allowed to get married in San Francisco. All of California. So right now, gay men are asking themselves the big question: who's driving and who nags." --David Letterman

"I got to mention this right right away, 'cause we were all watching it here at the show. At the U.S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. It was amazing. ... And apparently, when he heard that a younger, African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, 'Uh oh. That's not good.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Congressman Anthony Wiener of New York -- listen to this -- that's his name. Yeah, he has introduced a bill that will grant immigrant status, immigrant visas, to supermodels that want to come here. Well, I have never been prouder to be an American. Of course, the nice thing about bringing these foreign supermodels here, you don't have to worry about them taking food out of American mouths. So that's one thing." --Jay Leno

"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman

"President Bush said that, after he retires, he wants to write a book. ... Bush said, he's not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up book." --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight, we're going to examine the audacity of fear. You know, there's an awful lot to be afraid of in the world. Terrorists, tomatoes. ... There's one emerging fear that trumps all others. Baracknophobia. It is defined as the irrational fear of hope. The irrational fear that behind the mild-mannered facade, Barack Obama is intent on enslaving the white race. It's true. Wake up, white people." --Jon Stewart

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Occupational Hazard

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers... we had $100 when we broke in!"

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Post Graduate Questions

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"