hUMOR For July 2nd

CleanQuote

"Love is insanity with a collaborator."

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Captain Can't Swim

I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College

in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at

the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its

research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain

couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would

approach him about it.

"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat

captain, can't swim?"

"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

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Hurry Up!

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a
big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as
possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous
woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

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Great Story

"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?" asked the IRS auditor.

"Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer I have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, 'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I'll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen'. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa."

"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?"

"Well, you can see the villa, can't you?"

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Fairy Tale Taxes

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.

The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

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But Seriously

In class when students say to me, "Are you Serious?"

My reply is, "Yes...like the brightest star in the night-time sky, I am Sirius!"

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One Chair

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

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Weird News

Obama sock monkey still possible

WEST JORDAN, Utah (UPI) -- A Utah couple who earlier apologized for a Barack Obama sock monkey that was decried as racist say they may still sell the toy.

David and Elizabeth Lawson of West Jordan, owners of TheSockObama LLC, said after a swarm of bloggers decried their toy as racist that the sock monkey based on the Illinois senator and presumptive Democratic nominee for president would not be manufactured.

However, the Lawsons said Monday that "a few new opportunities have been presented" to produce the monkey.

The couple also issued a statement detailing some of the hate mail and death threats they have received ,as well as decrying what they consider to be hypocrisy on the part of those who labeled the toy racist.

"It's OK for there to be hundreds of thousands of Google sites containing references to our current president's resemblance to a chimpanzee," the statement said. "However, it's not OK to make that same association regarding our possible next president."

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Minn. teens paddle 2,200 miles

GILLAM, Manitoba (UPI) -- Two Minnesota teens have completed their goal of paddling a canoe 2,200 miles from Minneapolis to Hudson Bay in northern Canada.

It took Sean Bloomfield and Colton Witte, two 18-year-olds from Chaska, from April 28 to this past Sunday to complete their trip to the Arctic Ocean, the Star Tribune in Minneapolis reported Tuesday.

"There's no way to put into words the feeling of finishing. A sense of relief and satisfaction and enjoyment. And pride. We just stopped paddling, and I put my hands on my head and looked at the bay," Witte told the newspaper about his thoughts at the completion of their epic travels.

Bloomfield said he "got chills" when he realized they had succeeded.

"We paddled from Minneapolis to the Arctic Ocean," he said.

Their adventure was spawned by reading Eric Sevareid's book, "Canoeing With the Cree," which told of the late TV newsman's 1930 trip to Hudson Bay with friend Walt Port. It took Sevareid and Port 98 days to travel up the Minnesota River, then down the Red River of the North to Lake Winnipeg and then on to Hudson Bay -- Bloomfield and Witte just 45.

The modern pair survived several near-disasters, including having their canoe swamped by a 5- or 6-foot wall of water in an unexpectedly savage rapids.

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Soft-drink carton heir flees police

LONDON (UPI) -- The heir to a Swedish container fortune left his London mansion through the window as officers broke down his bedroom door, police said.

Officers had come to Hans Kristian Rausing's house in the Chelsea neighborhood to ask him and his wife about a car crash earlier Sunday evening, the Daily Mail reported. Witnesses had said an Audi Quattro registered to Rausing had hit another car and then disappeared.

Rausing, 45, is one of three children of Hans Rausing, who built up a large fortune making Tetra Pak soft drink cartons. His wife Eva is a U.S. citizen and heir to a Pepsi fortune.

The couple were already in legal trouble because guards at the U.S. embassy allegedly found heroin and crack cocaine on Eva Rausing when she went there to renew her passport. A search of their home allegedly disclosed still more drugs.

A maid at the Rausing's house reportedly let police in Sunday. When the officers heard voices in the bedroom but no one responded to their knocks, they broke down the door and found Eva Rausing. Hans Rausing, however, remains at large.

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Alleged burglar found sleeping at scene

SALT LAKE CITY (UPI) -- Salt Lake City police arrested an alleged burglar investigators say broke into an office only to fall asleep on the job.

Investigators said police were called to the Sherwood Forrest Building by a security guard who noticed a broken window and the officers found a 33-year-old man inside the MGIS Co. office sleeping on a desk, the Salt Lake Tribune reported Tuesday.

The desk drawers were open and the former contents were on the floor, police said. They said $7 in cash and three sets of keys found on the man were taken from the office.

The suspect was charged with third-degree felony counts of burglary and criminal mischief and one count of misdemeanor theft.

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A Paradigm

"I'm the greatest batter in the world," said the proud boy

as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He

missed.

Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, "I'm the

greatest batter ever!" He missed again.

He looked at his ball and then his bat. Once more he tossed

the ball up into the air. "I'm the greatest batter who ever

lived!" He swung hard and missed.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "And I'm an even better pitcher!"

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"Intelligent" Life

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.

"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after 12 years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.

He said, "But that's impossible... ...we could never do it... ...yes sir, Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars... ...he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

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"Wake Up!"

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..it said...

"It is 5:00 am, wake up!"

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Oneliner

"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

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CleanPun - "Ethical Question"

"Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of of the USA founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Clonial Williamsburg?"

hUMOR For July 1st

The Consultant

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new SUV advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The man parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"

"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his SUV.

Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my animal back?"

"Okay, why not" answers the young man.

"You are a consultant," says the shepherd.

"That is correct," says the man, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here even though nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

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Galaxies

The New York Times, among other papers, has published a new Hubble
photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for
quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided
by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers
rushing to the scene...

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Weird News

Honey wall tips man off to 60,000 bees

CONCORD, N.C. (UPI) -- A North Carolina man says he found out he was sharing his home with about 60,000 bees after he noticed honey oozing out a wall.

Mark Jones said he learned about the bees after tasting a mysterious liquid coming out of a wall in his Concord, N.C., home.

He was surprised to find out the liquid was honey produced by thousands of bees living behind the wall, WYFF-TV in Greenville, S.C., reported.

"I came over here and dipped my finger in it and tasted it. Sure enough, it was honey coming out of the wall," Jones said.

Beekeepers removed most of the insects with a vacuum Sunday after Jones and his wife decided it wasn't right to kill them, the newspaper said.

Keepers said the leftover bees will leave soon because they no longer have a hive there.

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Hawaii McDonald's use remote ordering

HONOLULU (UPI) -- McDonald's Restaurants of Hawaii says more than half of the chain's fast-food outlets in the state use a Texas call center to take drive-through orders.

Melanie Okazaki of McDonald's in Hawaii said the remote ordering system was first tested in 2006 and began expanding in 2007, KITV in Honolulu reported Monday.

"We want to make sure that our customers get their orders right and they get them in the most convenient way possible," Okazaki said.

She said employees at the call center in El Paso, Texas, require special training to comprehend local phrases and accents.

"It takes a little getting used to on the order-taker's side, but I think with practice, they become more and more comfortable working with our local clientele," Okazaki said.

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Political memorabilia sales spike

NEW YORK (UPI) -- As the race for U.S. president moves forward, sellers and manufacturers of humorous, creative political memorabilia say their business is booming.

Mort Berkowitz, who owns Bold Concepts in New York, said he has created 700 variations of political buttons as sales spike during the campaign, the New York Post reported Monday.

"I have over 150 different (Sen. Barack) Obama buttons. I've sold 110,000 Obama buttons, 30,000 Hillary Clinton buttons and 10,000 John McCain buttons," Berkowitz told the newspaper.

He said his most popular button feature Clinton's image with the words "Don't tell mama, I'm votin' for Obama."

Berkowitz said most of his merchandise is purchased by political organizations and many of his items will be seen at the nearing national conventions.

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Computer Professor Husband

Husband: Hi dear. I'm logged in
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband: Bad command or file name
wife: But I told you in the morning ?
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort, retry, cancel?
Wife: What about my new TV ?
Husband: Variable not found
Wife: At least, give me your credit card. I need to do some shopping
Husband: Sharing violation. Access denied
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you
Husband: Data type mismatch
Wife: You are useless
Husband: By default
Wife: What about your salary ?
Husband: File in use. Try after some time
Wife: Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband: System is unstable. Press ALT + CTRL + DEL to reboot
Wife: Are you going to have some snacks ?
Husband: File system full
Wife: What is the relation between you and your receptionist ?
Husband: only user with WRITE permission
Wife: What is my value in this family ?
Husband: Unknown virus
Wife: Do you love me or your computer or you're being just funny ?
Husband: Too many parameters!
Wife: I will go to my dad's house.
Husband: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be terminated
Wife: I'll leave you forever
Husband: Close all programs and logout and then login as another user
Wife: It's worthless talking to you
Husband: Shutdown the computer
Wife: I'm going
Husband: It's now safe to turn off your computer

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Passionate

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "You're Passionate."

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "You're Passionate."

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!"

She replied, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin it!"

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Asthma, Attack!

Matthew sets up Andrew to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Andrew is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andrew, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." Matthew says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Andrew knocks at the girl's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"

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Honest Phlebotomist

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn.

The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

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"50 Years from Now"

Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'" Turning to the third gent, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age.'"

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Illustration - "Raising My Sights"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

"Raising My Sights"

My six-year-old granddaughter, Caitlynd, and I stopped at a Tim Horton's donut shop for a blueberry muffin. As we were going out the door, a young teenage boy was coming in.

This young man had no hair on the sides of his head and tuft of blue spiked hair on top of it. One of his nostrils was pierced, and attached to the hoop that ran through the hole, was a chain that draped across his face and attached to a ring he was wearing in his ear. He held a skateboard under one arm and a basketball under the other.

Caitlynd, who was walking ahead of me, stopped in her tracks when she saw the teen. I thought he'd scared the dickens out of her and she'd frozen on the spot.

I was wrong.

My GrandAngel backed up against the door and opened it as wide as it would go. Now I was face to face with the young man. I stepped aside and let him pass. His gracious response was a kind, "Thank you very much".

On our way to the car, I commended Caitlynd for her manners in holding open the door for the young man. She didn't seem to be troubled by his appearance but I wanted to make sure. If a grandmotherly talk about freedom of self expression and allowing people their differences was in order, I wanted to be ready.

As it turned out, the person who needed the talk was me.

The only thing Caitlynd noticed about the teen, was the fact that his arms were full. "He woulda' had a hard time to open the door."

I saw the partially shaved head, the tuft of spiked hair, the piercings and the chain. She saw a person carrying something under each arm and heading toward a door.

In the future, I hope to get down on her level and raise my sights.

hUMOR For June 30th

Short Ones

An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He

says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"

A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking

too

much for granite.

What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake

Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.

A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.

A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.

Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the

floor boards? He was just going through a stage.

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in

the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if

you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?

A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's

real

name, just a pen name.

When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition

company, he finally brought down the house.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid

someone will clean them?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be

hungry?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

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Foot Snuggle

On a chilly winter evening, a husband and wife were snuggled together
on the floor watching television. During a commercial break, he
reached over and gave her foot a gentle squeeze.

"Mmmmm," she said. "That's so sweet."

"Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the remote."

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"Baby Talk"

What your baby would tell you if he could talk:

1. I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said.

2. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan.

3. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.

4. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 2.

5. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in.

6. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels like.

7. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.

8. There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."

9. I've told you five times what cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.

10. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.

11. I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.

12. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.

13. Who that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?

14. If my bottom is so darn cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?

15. Who are you two to tell me how important it is to sleep alone?

16. What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.

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CleanQuote

"The younger we are, the more we want to change the world. The older we are, the more we want to change the young."

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Illustration - "Twins"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A friend and I were shopping for dresses for her three-year-old girls to wear to a wedding. In the store, another girl staring intently at Sarah and Becky asked, "Are those girls twins?"

"Actually they're triplets," I said. "They have a brother at home."

"Wow," she replied. "They sure look like twins to me."

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Dead Weight

During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

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Captured Thief

One day we saw a news report on TV about the owner of a craft shop
and one of her employees who had apprehended a would-be thief and
held him captive until police arrived to arrest him.

As we listened to the story, my grandson commented dryly, "What did
they do? Hold him at needlepoint?"

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Weird News

Three siblings share birthday years apart

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. (UPI) -- Three Florida siblings all share a June 13 birthday despite being born years apart, one of their parents notes.

Billy Etkin of Hollywood said all three of his children were born June 13 -- including his new daughter Ana who was born this year -- the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported.

The 36-year-old, whose wife is still recovering from the recent birth, said the June 13 births of his 5-year-old son Foster and his 2-year-old daughter Sarah have made the date lucky.

Etkin said his children's birth dates were not planned and expects it'll be crazy when all three birthdays are celebrated on the same day.

"I'm looking forward to them getting older and really appreciating it," Etkin told the Sun-Sentinel.

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Contenders battle in tree-climbing contest

ELK GROVE, Calif. (UPI) -- Observers gathered this weekend in a valley in Elk Grove, Calif., to watch competitors battle in an intense tree-climbing contest, participants said.

Twenty-five climbers traveled from four Western states to take part in the climbing contest in Elk Grove Regional Park, the Sacramento Bee reported Sunday.

"The competition is really about pushing your own envelope. You're climbing a living organism. It's something that lives and moves," said Chad Brey, 32, a two-time winner for the Western Chapter of the International Society of Arboriculture.

Competitors train to master events with unusual names such as footlock, belayed speed climb, aerial rescue, throwline and work climb, the newspaper said.

The competition, which began in 1976, was scheduled to wrap up Sunday after the top five climbers were chosen. The final winner will get a chance to go to St. Louis to compete in the global tree-climbing contest in July, the Bee said.

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Newlywed Repairs

A man came home from the office and found his new bride

sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I

was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat

of your trousers."

"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that

I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman,

drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to

patch the hole!"

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Hard Time Teller

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a blankety-blank checking account"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up darn it, I said I want to open a blankety-blank checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no darn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a blankety-blank checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this wench is giving you a hard time?"

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Miraculous

A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.

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Sartre's Coffee

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"

Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

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Dealing With Bribes

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

hUMOR For June 29th

Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and

the other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first

man what he wants.

I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of tonic,

a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."

Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine

a Frizzle.It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of

orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."

The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the

first man what he does for a living.

"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."

Then he asks the other man what he does.

"Theoretical mathematician at the college."

"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order

a drink that I've never heard of. You have the identical

profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day

at the same time. What are the odds on something like that

happening?"

Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion,

nine hunderd, and eighty-seven billion to one."

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"It looks like Hillary Clinton will concede... And, again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with this term. Like he said today, 'How could she concede? She's 60. That's too old to have kids.'" --Jay Leno

"Al Gore for a while was vice president, and he had the book and the film, 'Inconvenient Truth,' which was about climate change. Well, they're turning that 'Inconvenient Truth' into an opera. Al Gore and opera - are you kidding? Cut me a slice of that! Let's go! But they had some trouble and they have postponed the opening of that opera. Apparently, the composer is having trouble finding a rhyme for low emission hybrid." --David Letterman

"An article in USA Today reports that Barack Obama and John McCain have two very different visions of the world. That's what it said. Yeah. Biggest difference is that John McCain's vision makes it impossible for him to drive at night. He's got to go slowly." --Conan O'Brien

"Word is that Hillary will endorse Obama tomorrow around noon. ... Now we'll see if Obama asks her to be vice president or not. ... Meanwhile, some more high-profile support for Obama today. Music legend Bob Dylan, who is maybe the most respected person in all of music, he told the Times of London today that he supports Barack Obama. Or at least they think that's what he said, he may have been trying to book a flight to Omaha." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a lot of pressure on Barack Obama to put Hillary on the ticket. Even his advisers are telling him that Hillary can deliver the woman vote. And, of course, Bill can deliver the other woman vote. So between the two of them, that's, you know, that's a lot of women." --Jay Leno

"Well, remember Senator Larry Craig, everybody remember Senator Larry Craig? He's ... written his memoir. Yup. And guess what, he's having a book signing at the Barnes & Noble men's room. So get there" --David Letterman

"A high school in Ohio passed out over 300 diplomas last week. And on the diploma, the word 'education' was spelled wrong. Yeah. Officials say the misprint should not harm the reputation of George W. Bush high school." --Conan O'Brien

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Daddy's Trick

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious.

"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

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What's in the Bag

Two hillbillies are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"

"I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm, five?"

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Comforting

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
Weird News

Child screened in airport luggage X-ray

OSLO, Norway (UPI) -- Airport workers said they were reviewing safety procedures after a preschool-aged child climbed onto a luggage check-in ramp at Oslo Airport in Norway.

Neither the child's parents nor airport workers noticed the curious youngster had sneaked onto the ramp until the child went through baggage X-ray equipment, Aftenposten reported.

After climbing onto the ramp, the child went out of sight, through a chute and through scanning equipment, the report said.

"It's unfortunate that a child could get into the system like this," ground services official Thor Hagen told reporters.

Officials said the child was reunited with his parents minutes after being found and airport safety procedures were being reviewed.

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Police: Forklift thief didn't get far

BOYNTON BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Boynton Beach, Fla., said a suspected forklift thief was arrested after he was caught driving the vehicle about one mile from where it was stolen.

Investigators said Todd Barnes, 44, allegedly drove the 21,600-pound vehicle from a construction site and traveled about one mile before he was stopped by officers, the Palm Beach (Fla.) Post reported.

He was charged with grand larceny, trespassing on a construction site and driving with a suspended license.

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Aggressive crow targets reflection in cars

WESTON-SUPER-MARE, England (UPI) -- People in Weston-super-Mare, England, say a crow has been attacking cars in the town after mistaking its own reflection in windshields for other male crows.

The Rev. Geoff Eales of St Peter's Church -- whose car has been targeted by the crow three times during the past week -- said motorists in the town have spent an estimated $140 replacing windshield wipers torn off during the bird's attacks, The Daily Mail reported.

Locals said the crow has lived in the same oak tree for the past four years, but only began attacking cars about two weeks ago.

"Residents are at a loss to know what to do about the bird, with various ideas from building a scarecrow to hiring a hawk to scare him off," said former town crier Pluto Denn, 76.

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$200,000 in checks tossed in trash

PROVO, Utah (UPI) -- A Provo, Utah, woman said she has recovered nearly $200,000 in checks that she threw out with the trash.

The woman, who asked to remain anonymous, said she flagged down the driver of the garbage truck as soon as she noticed the checks, which were from the company she works for, had gone missing, KTVX-TV, Salt Lake City, reported.

Brad Rollins, waste management supervisor for Provo, said a bay was cleared at the county garbage transfer station to allow the woman and a friend to sift through the load of trash to find the specific white kitchen bag they were looking for.

Rollins said the two women said a prayer and one of the women almost immediately picked up a bag that turned out to contain the missing documents.

"The checks were in great shape. They weren't wrinkled, they were still flat, the deposit slip was still in there. She could've taken it right to the bank and they wouldn't even have known where it had been, and it had been on a trip," Rollins said.

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

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Robbing A Computer Programmer
Who not to contact if you're looking for a big windfall...

A robber pulls a knife on a stranger walking along the way, and says, “Your money or your life.”

The stranger says, “I'm a programmer!”

The robber asks, “What do you mean by that?”

The stranger says, “I have no money, or a life.”

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Disappointment

One of life's disappointments is discovering that the man who writes the bank's ads is not the one who makes the loans.

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Advertising Claims

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

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Nice Doggie

Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"

Sam: "I don’t know."

Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."

Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

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Unfamiliar Court

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I dont recognize this court!"

"Why?" asked the Judge.

"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here."

hUMOR For June 28th

CleanQuote

"The universe is made of stories, not of atoms."
- Muriel Rukeyser

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Wacky Headline

Hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?

Yeah the headlines in the newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".

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What's the Difference?

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.

"Owch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?"

"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.

"But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.

Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.

"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"

"That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says.

"But that was an iceberg!"

"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

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Barking

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your spouse's barking at the front. Who do you let in?

Well, it's your call, but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

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Seeing the Light

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

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Countering the Question

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

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"Application For Loan From Dad"

APPLICATION FOR A LOAN FROM DAD
By W. Bruce Cameron
www.wbrucecameron.com

The following loan application was received in August from my college-aged daughter, who is applying for a loan from Dad.

Please indicate the amount of the loan:

(a) Last time you loaned me $300, so if you loan me more this time, I won't have to ask again for awhile. Like, $500 would be best.

(b) I also need money for gas, but that's separate.

(c) How much have you got?

When will you pay back the loan?

(a) infinity

(b) longer

(c) pay it back? Ha ha.

Residence: Please provide current address, and whether you rent or own.

I live independently at college. There's no rent or anything, the school pays for it. One of my girlfriend's father bought her a house to live in, which is like a really good idea because it saves money and that way I would be even more independent. I need you to do my laundry.

Describe credit history:

It wasn't my fault I haven't been able to pay you back from the other times I've borrowed money but I'm going to just as soon as I have some extra bucks.

Purpose of loan (how will the funds be used?):

(a) A bunch of us are going to take a quick trip to the lake before school starts. I need a break, all I do is work!

(b) I don't know, I just need money! If I took the time to try to figure out where I am spending every penny, I would never have any time to study. You do want me to study, don't you?

(c) I am an adult and shouldn't have to answer this question.

Acknowledgement: Applicant has received and read the lender's disclosure of how tough college was when he was young, how little money he spent and how hard he had to work for it:

(a) no, not disclosed.

(b) yeah, whatever.

Job History:

(1) Supposed to rake the back yard. In this position I was responsible for getting the rake out of the garage, raking up the leaves, putting the leaves in bags, putting the bags out for collection, and putting the rake away. My manager in this instance was a grumpy man who acted all mean about it, and it wasn't my fault that my best friend in the world from high school showed up and wanted to take me to lunch.

(2) Supposed to paint the house this summer. I had the same grumpy manager. This was a really difficult job and I was going to do it but then I ran out of time. It's not my fault, all I do is work!

(3) Part time at the clothing store. This worked out really, really well because I got a discount on everything I bought. Also they let me have a house charge account. Can you send them another payment this month?

Reference: Please provide the name of at least one person who will always know how to find you.

(a) My roommate Cathy except when you call late on a Friday night and then she'll act all guilty and secretive.

(b) What do you mean, "find me"? You know where I am; I'm at college.

(c) You know, this is really none of your business.

Collateral: Please enter the current value of the automobile you are driving, including an explanation of the damage to the right rear fender.

(a) What? How did that happen? I never noticed it before! Well it's not my fault. I really need a new car. Cathy's father got her an Audi, it is really cute and it winds up saving money in the end because it gets such good gas mileage.

Disbursement of Funds:

Please deposit directly into my account for me, I don't have time to run to the bank. Also, I need that gas money in cash, could I have that now? Also I need money for food. Can I borrow your blender?

I, the undersigned, hereby testify that the information herein is accurate, except maybe I should have $600 so I can buy some new clothes because school is just starting. Unless you just want to let me borrow the credit card. That way, you're not out any money!

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Weird News

108-year-old safe yields no treasure

PITTSBURGH (UPI) -- Pittsburgh officials said nothing but old office records and supplies were found in a giant 108-year-old safe pried open at a city office Wednesday.

The 10-ton manganese-steel alloy safe, which has been at the Allegheny County Controller's Office, turned out to be full of pencils, office records, stationary and notes, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported.

"I didn't think there would be anything of value. Historically, it's about what we expected," Controller Mark P. Flaherty said.

Diebold Inc. workers said it took them about 45 minutes to get the old safe to pop open for the first time in at least 35 years.

County officials are preparing to inspect the items to decide what may be given to the Historical Society of Western Pennsylvania, the newspaper said.

Officials say the safe may be sold online, given to the historical society, or divided into piece

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More than 4,000 Chinese named for Olympics

BEIJING (UPI) -- Officials in charge of China's identity cards said more than 4,000 Chinese children have been named after the Olympic Games during the past 15 years.

The officials said parents registered about 680 children named Aoyun, a Chinese word for the Olympic Games, in 1992, after China announced it had applied to host the 2000 Games, and a second wave began in 2002, when 553 Aoyuns were registered following that announcement that China will host the 2008 Games, the BBC reported Wednesday.

The BBC said Chinese children are often named after events or slogans, including Chinese translations of Defend China, Build the Nation and Space Travel.

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Facebook deletes profiles of cat eaters

ARHUS, Denmark (UPI) -- A group of Arhus, Denmark, journalism students said their Facebook accounts were deleted after they posted pictures of themselves eating a cat.

The Danish School of Journalism students said their accounts were closed by administrators of the popular social networking Web site after they uploaded the photos, The Copenhagen Post reported Wednesday.

The students said the cat cooked and eaten as a means of drawing attention to the plight of pigs, cows and other animals used primarily for food.

"We wanted people to think about what it was they were putting in their mouths," said Laura Boge Mortensen, one of the students involved. "It's hypocritical for us to spend thousands of kroner on our pets, yet buy the cheapest pork from Netto that comes from pigs that have lived a horrid life. And just why is it that it's worse to eat a cat than a pig?"

The students said the cat was killed humanely and prepared by a professional chef.

"We had to count to three before we sat down to eat, and I wouldn't really say that we stuffed our face," Mortensen said. "Everyone did take a bite though."

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Ponder This

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station .........

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"I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized that

you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."

-Demetri Martin

***

"I was getting my teeth whitened, but then I said forget

that, I'll just get a tan instead." -Mitch Hedberg

***

"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's

oldest globe. It's flat." --Buzz Nutley

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Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck

hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out

to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was

really good. But after several hours of thrashing through

the woods, one fellow said, "I don't know about this. We've

been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do

you think we're doing something wrong?"

"I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing

the dog high enough."