hUMOR For June 16th

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the

man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way

(being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the

donkey go was to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop was to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on

the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.

"Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode

off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As

he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to

make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept

going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!" shouted the man. The

donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and

closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer: "Please,

dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the

end of this mountain. In Jesus' name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the

edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

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"This time, like all times, is a very good one if we but

know what to do with it." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

***

Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and

lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and

lodging. --Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

***

"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to

public office." --Aesop

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Office Memo:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that

was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to

it. I would find it forever after difficult to meet your

gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion

about java applets or brand identity. Just be aware that

that milk was EXPRESSLY for my baby, if you get my drift. I

will label these things from now on, but if you found your

coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you

might think about calling your mom and telling her you love

her."

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I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a

contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other

day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs

delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-

like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes

best! For each load delivered, the company will provide

one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-

eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

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"Charm School 101"

At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant. She said, "Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you."

Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if man is in the restaurant ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."

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CleanQuote

"If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it!"
- Jonathan Winters

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Illustration - "Number 1"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The coach for the little league team had not yet learned the names of all the players, so he called them by the numbers on their uniforms. He yelled, "Number 5, your time to bat," and Jeff came to the plate to hit. He yelled, "Number 7," and Steve jumped up. Then he yelled, "Number 1," but no one got up.

Again he called out, "Number 1." Still no one emerged from the dugout. The umpire was getting annoyed at the delay, so the coach yelled out, "Who's number 1?"

The entire team responded, "We are, coach. We are!"

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Health Advice

You know you're too busy when things like this happen. Apparently, the competition we're going to is not this weekend, but next weekend. Fortunately, we found out in time to change our plane tickets (for a fee), rental car and hotel reservations. AAARGH!!!

A woman walked up to a wrinkled, little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

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Laws of Cat Physics

LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest,
unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat
food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there
is a really good reason to change direction.

LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler
body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can
neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little
energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must
contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is
directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF PILL REJECTION - Any pill given to a cat has potential energy
to reach escape velocity.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter +
It Doesn't Matter.

LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM - Given enough time, a cat will land in
just about any space.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered.

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Blonde Dream

Once a blonde kept having the same weird dream every day, so

she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor: Really... What was the scenery like?

Blonde: I was running in a hallway.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream,

the same thing happened. I would always come to this door,

but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing

the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?

Blonde: Yes, it did.

Doctor: And what did the letters spell?

Blonde: It said, "P-U-L-L."

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"Women will forgive anything. Otherwise, the race would have

died out long ago." —Robert Heinlein

***

"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water

there is bacteria." -Ben Franklin

***

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means

you've decided to see beyond the imperfections. --Unknown

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This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the

grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy

to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in

the air conditioned house all day while she did all the

work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me

about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside

and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak,

with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing

up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is

mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

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A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a

street corner downtown, when she said, "Excuse me, but if it's

not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"

Our good samaritan replied, "Just a minute." He walked across

the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you fine!"

hUMOR For June 15th

Cxd14One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's

Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests

near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made

some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about

the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain

Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles

farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles." The next one

was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.

We came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery,

and it read: "Ice 75 cents."

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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite

friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who

had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,

with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship

might be a possibility between us.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.

"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age

difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He

looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone

who's 104?'"

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Incompetent Truck Driver

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three dangerous looking bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

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”Southern Hospitality”

A very gentle southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please sir, don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

Grasping for any opportunity, she cried, "Think of your job, the work still to be done."

"I was fired today and have no prospect of another job."

Running out of ideas, she appealed to his patriotism and said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

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"Directions"

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped.

We went in to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department.

"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."

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Oneliner

"A deceased atheist is a man who is all dressed up with no place to go!"

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CleanPun - "Suit Purchase"

He said he bought his suit for a ridiculous price.

The truth is, he bought it for an absurd figure.

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A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one
that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in
before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come
in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in
without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes
out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The
team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless
the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get
the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but
one team has more in without being out before coming in

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Weird News

Woman, 101, renews driver's license

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (UPI) -- A 101-year-old Florida woman known as the oldest driver on the planet says people may be surprised she renewed her driver's license until 2011.

Lillian Cox began driving in 1915 and can still be seen putting around Tallahassee, Fla., in her 1984 sedan, WKMG-TV in Orlando reported Thursday.

"They're surprised that I'd get a driver's license at 101. But I have four more years," she said. "I'm sure I look (101 years old) but they don't let me know that."

Cox said, however, she wants to be driven to her upcoming appearance on "Tonight Show with Jay Leno" in a limousine.

///

Man survives crotch snake bite

CAIRNS, Australia (UPI) -- A man seemed embarrassed after a snake bit him in the crotch while he was relieving himself on the side of the road in Australia, an ambulance spokesman said.

The tourist could have lost his life when a poisonous brown snake lurched toward his crotch and sunk its teeth into his manhood, the Sun reported Thursday.

It was reported rescue officials hurried to the road near Cairns, Australia, and began on-site treatment.

Medical officials said the man was expected to recover, despite throwing up and complaining of a stomachache.

"It certainly had a swipe at him. But it didn't envenomate him. As it came through it must have got a bit of a shock," the spokesman said. "I think he was a bit shocked and embarrassed."

///

Party trashes $8.8 million home

MARBELLA, Spain (UPI) -- A woman says her $8.8 million home in Marbella, Spain, was trashed by 400 revelers who showed up for a party her daughter advertised on the Internet.

Amanda Hudson said she gave her daughter, Jodie, permission to throw her 16th birthday party at the house, but she lost control of the shindig after hundreds of people showed up to party, the Daily Mail reported Thursday.

Jodie Hudson had sent out word about her birthday bash on social networking sites Facebook and Bebo as the "party of the year," the British newspaper reported. The advertisements, which included the address of the house, promised "there's going be a lot of alcohol and an amazing DJ."

Hudson said $12,000 worth of jewelry and multiple clothing items were stolen during the party. Other items, including a TV, were thrown into the house's pool.

She said the house is usually rented out for $8,000 a week during the summer, but the damage done by the party has made the residence unlivable.

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Cab Drivers

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

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Pengiun Movies

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

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Not So Smart

The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems." The chief nodded.

The official continued, "What do you think of all the white man has done?"

The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Medicine man free. Indian people hunted and fished all the time."

The chief paused, then added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

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The Devil You Say

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?"

The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

hUMOR For June 14th

Weird News

'Obama Sweet Potato' sells on eBay

BELMONT, N.C. (UPI) -- A Belmont, N.C., man sold a sweet potato on eBay Wednesday that he says resembles Democratic U.S. presidential contender Barack Obama.

The curious spud sold for $8.49 after only three bids.

Seller Wade Jones, whose eBay handle is howardrobardhughes, described the item as a "Sweet Potato that looks like future Prez Barack Obama."

He said in the item's description that he spotted the Illinois senator's face on the starch while talking politics in the grocery store.

"I was wearing my Obama 'Yes We Can' bracelet … when someone stopped me in front of the sweet potato bin, and asked me where I got my bracelet ... I then looked down, and saw 'The Barack Obama Sweet Potato' staring right back at me," the seller wrote.

///

Man impaled by branch to recover

MINNEAPOLIS (UPI) -- Minneapolis doctors said a 24-year-old man whose leg was impaled on an oak branch is expected to make a full recovery.

Doctors at Hennepin County Medical Center said that after three surgeries and physical therapy, Josh Skattum will have only a 2-foot-long scar on his leg to remember the branch, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported Wednesday.

Trauma surgeon Dr. Jon Krook said the branch, which was almost 3 inches in diameter, missed Skattum's major artery and did not break any bones.

"If it hit that artery, he could have bled to death,'' Krook said.

Skattum said the branch impaled his leg while he was riding in a golf cart at dusk with his brother.

///

Woman warned for warning customers

CHEDDAR, England (UPI) -- A Cheddar, England, shopkeeper said police have threatened to arrest her if she continues to warn illegally parked customers that police are on their way.

Alma Floyd, 60, said she was told by police that she was interfering with officers "in their line of duty" when she warned customers that Police Community Support Officers were spotted ticketing cars in the area, The Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

She said they threatened to arrest her if she continues to give the warnings.

Floyd said she told customers when she saw officers in the area because she feared enforcement of parking laws could hurt business at her dairy shop.

"Ever since the new parking rules were introduced we have seen a slump in trade," she said. "The crackdown on parking on that pavement means passing motorists have nowhere to park, and they don't come in. So I've been looking out for them whenever they come near -- it's the only thing I can do."

///

Suspect's getaway foiled

ALBUQUERQUE (UPI) -- Authorities in Albuquerque said a burglary suspect who fled the home of a sheriff's sergeant was arrested after a panhandler saw his car and dialed 911.

Investigators said the suspect, Joseph Ballejos, 35, fled the sergeant's home in an SUV after the officer arrived home at 3 p.m. Tuesday, KRQE-TV, Albuquerque, reported Wednesday.

"(The sergeant) turned around and tried to stop the car: the car didn't stop, fled from the scene," sheriff's Sgt. Van Eldredge said. "The sergeant was concerned someone else might still back in his house, so he returned to his house."

Panhandler Jeffery McKnight said he called 911 after he saw the suspect first drive the wrong way on an Interstate 25 off ramp and then drive off the road. Deputies arrived in the area and arrested the suspect.

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The Whole Truth
Little white lies to a robot...

Henry was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick, no matter what. The house was filled with electric potato peelers, self-rocking chairs, and other odd stuff. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to stop being such a sucker for every new gadget that came along.

One day, Henry came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot – “but not just ANY robot,” Henry said. “This one is a LIE DETECTOR!”

At around 5:30 PM, their 11-year-old son, Little Johnny, came home – two hours later than he should have.
“Where have you been, young man?” Henry demanded. “Why are you so late getting home from school?”
“Charlie, Bobby and I went to the library to work on an extra-credit project for history class,” said Little Johnny.
The robot strode around the table and slapped Little Johnny, knocking him completely out of his chair.

A startled Little Johnny climbed back onto his chair.
“Son,” said Henry, “This robot is a sophisticated lie detector, and it knows when you’re telling the truth. Let’s try again. Where did you really go after school?”
“We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,” said Little Johnny.
The robot stood there.

“What movie did you watch?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments,” answered Little Johnny.
The robot charged around the table and smacked Little Johnny to the floor once more.

With his lip quivering, Little Johnny got up, sat down and said, “I’m sorry I lied. We really watched a movie called Sex Kittens of New Orleans.”

“I'm ashamed of you, son,” said Henry. “When I was your age, I never, ever lied to my parents about anything. I always told them the truth.”
At that, the robot wheeled across the room to Henry and delivered a whack that nearly laid him flat.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't blame Little Johnny for lying. You did it too, and after all, he is your son!”
The robot immediately scooted over to Marsha and knocked her cold.

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Mennonite Washrooms
Doing their part to clean up the Church...

Why do they put condoms in Mennonite washrooms?

To prevent the spread of Abes.

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School Excuses

The following notes from parents excusing their children

from attending school have been around a while but if you

haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them:

"Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he

had the fuel."

"Please accuse Michael from being absent on January 30

because he was aleing."

"George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."

"Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I

had her shot."

"Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his

face."

"My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical

education. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very

loose vowels."

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Hey, congratulations to David Cook, the American Idol. ... I believe he received an unbelievable 50 million votes ... which I think is a new record. ... In fact, he got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot." --Jay Leno

"McCain, of course, has the nomination sewn up. He's just got to go to the convention. So he's now auditioning candidates for vice president. And they're visiting at his home in Arizona. They will be spending the weekend with him out there at his home in Arizona. I believe it is called Casa Viagra. Wait a minute, I believe it's called the Lazy Artery. I believe it's a ranch. I think it is the Double Hernia. No, no, his home in Arizona, the Rancho Prostateo." --David Letterman

"Big political news this weekend. John McCain invited Louisiana's governor, Florida's governor and Mitt Romney to a barbecue at his home in Arizona, because he wants to choose one of them to be his running mate. McCain says he got the idea of choosing a running mate this way by watching 'Flavor of Love.' He's gonna hand them a rose at the end of the night." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama was endorsed by 90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd. 90 years old, yeah. Byrd said, 'Obama will make a great president, and if he doesn't, I won't be around anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien

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Crazy People

The Queen visits a mental hospital and goes to the first ward. The first patient she sees is sitting up and with his left hand he seems to be grabbing something from the air. She asks, "What are you doing?"

The patient replies, "I'm taking the stars from the sky!"

She then proceeds over to the second patient and he seems to be inserting something into the air. She asks, "What are you doing love?"

The second patient replies, "I'm putting the stars back in the sky!"

Finally she reaches the third patient and he's sitting up pretending he's a rally driver and is making high speed noises. She asks him, "What the heck are you up to?"

The patient replies, "I'm trying to get away from these two nutters, they're absolutely mental!"

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Real Users

- Real users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.

- Real users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.

- Real users never use the Help key.

- Real users never stop asking new options.

- Real users never know what to do with new options.

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Love Me Above No Other

Girlfriend: "And are you sure you love me and no one else?"

Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."

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"There’s a fair going on in Vienna. A divorce fair. What

would the rides there be? Half of the Haunted Mansion. I

need some Space Mountain." -Craig Ferguson

***

"Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the

Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said,

'Who's the bald chick in the dress?'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"The National Hobo Convention opened yesterday in Britt,

Iowa. Planned activities include a parade, a flea market

and a knife fight over a bottle of hooch." -Jay Leno

Barometer Uses

A physics student once got the following question in an exam: "You are given an accurate barometer. How would you use it to determine the height of a skyscraper?" He answered,

"Go to the top floor, tie a long piece of string to the barometer, let it down 'till it touches the ground and measure the length of the string." The examiner wasn't satisfied, so they decided to interview the guy:

"Can you give us another method, one which demonstrates your knowledge of Physics?"

"Sure, go to the top floor, drop the barometer off, and measure how long before it hits the ground..."

"Not, quite what we wanted, care to try again?"

"Make a pendulum of the barometer, measure its period at the bottom, then measure its period at the top..."

"...another try?...."

"Measure the length of the barometer, then mount it vertically on the ground on a sunny day and measure its shadow, measure the shadow of theskyscraper..."

"...and again?..."

"walk up the stairs and use the barometer as a ruler to measure the height of the walls in the stairwells."

"...One more try?"

"Find where the janitor lives, knock on his door and say 'Please, Mr. Janitor, if I give you this nice barometer, will you tell me the height of this building?'"

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"The Congregation Replied"

Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!"
the congregation shouts.

The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"

The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

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Bran Muffins The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment w hen he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic des erts, fre e flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... 'HEBREWS'


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

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Frog Trade

A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.

But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

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Job Interview Questions

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual questions that have been asked by job candidates.

"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?"

hUMOR For June 12th

Big Secret

In the 1970's, before women were allowed to sign up for combat duty, a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army.

"But, wait a minute," said one listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"

"Sure," replied the man.

"Well, won't they find out?" asked his friend.

The man shrugged and replied, "But who will tell?"

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Prayers Before Dinner

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Vernie, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," Little Vernie replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"

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Excellent Poet

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"

The student said, "Every word of it."

The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr.Poe. I thought you were long dead."

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Blondes Do Not Really Have More Fun...

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all

brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend

gambling trip.

The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the

blonde team rode on the top level.

The brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a

great time, when one of the brunettes realized she had not

heard anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate. When the brunette

reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring

straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of

them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck is going on up here? We

are having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looked at her, swallowed hard, and

whispered, "YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE A DRIVER!"

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"Proud Grandmother"

An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.

Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.

"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"

The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."

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Oneliner

"A stitch in time would have confused Einstein."

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CleanPun - "Too Much Sugar"

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

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”40 Detroiters”

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Detroit showed up.

Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"

"What? All of the Detroiters are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

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Out of Gas

The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two
men walked up to her. "I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you please
push me to the gas station?"

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several
blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had
just passed a filling station.

"How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.

"I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have full service."

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Big Bucks

What do you get when you cross fifty female pigs and fifty male deer?

A hundred sows and bucks

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Math Poem

This poem was written by John Saxon (an author of math textbooks).
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

Or for those who have trouble with the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

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Job Interviews

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

- An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
- An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
- An applicant fell and broke his arm during the interview.
- A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.
- An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
- A candidate said he had never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
- A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
- An applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
- An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
- A candidate brought a large dog to interview.
- An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed while standing up.
- One candidate dozed off during interview.

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Redneck Ring

The woman asked her redneck lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"

"Sure," he replied. "What's your phone number?

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"The Chief's Wife"

"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."

The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"

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CleanQuote

"I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids."

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Illustration - "In His Hands"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

"In His Hands"

We know not what tomorrow brings
... Although we plan ahead
For only God alone can know
... the pathway we must tread.

We cannot know the future
... not one minute nor one hour
Each circumstance that we must face
... lay only in His power.

It's vital that we live by faith
... from minute unto minute
And trusting that each step we take
... He's walking with us in it.

We cannot see the future
... nor the trials we must face
But in all things, God promised us
... sufficiency of grace.

This alone should give us hope
... whatever be our plans
In knowing that our future lies
... in His sweet, loving hands.

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Insomniac

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."