hUMOR For June 11th

Miracle Car

The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-olds) went on a trip for the weekend with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left alone at home. That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad's car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16 year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared.

After some nagging he gave in and off they went to enjoy the evening. When they got back to the car after a lot of discothequeing, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of the car - someone must have bumped into the car and drove off.

Frantically they phoned their friends to find a panelbeater/spraypainter to fix their dad's car. Finally they found one who said they must have the car at his house early next morning. The car was fixed properly and they parked it back in the garage that afternoon.

Their parents returned the next day but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident. The father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said to the family in the lounge,

"A miracle has happened! A guy drove into the back of my car on Thursday and now it is fixed without a scratch!"

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"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three

requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking,

all is lost." --Gustave Flaubert

***

"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough

leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not."

--George Bernard Shaw

***

"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of

people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."

--Bernard Bailey

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I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to

my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an

R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.

"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son's

eyes. "He shouldn't see this."

"It's okay." my husband replied. "He probably thinks it's

the Food Network."

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There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to

fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard

about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake

was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to

the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.

One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they

got that, and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and

said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions,

but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all

the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he

asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat

in the water yet."

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Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker is a Hacker

1. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000
2. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years in a row
3. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex
4. Seems strangely calm whenever the office network goes down
5. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work
6. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
7. Massive retirement savings plan contribution made in half-cent increments
8. Online dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among interests
9. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
10. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now.

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"Foot Snuggle"

On a chilly winter evening, my husband and I were snuggled together on the floor watching television. During a commercial break, he reached over and gave my foot a gentle squeeze.

"Mmmmm," I said. "That's so sweet."

"Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the remote."

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CleanQuote

"Sin wouldn't be so attractive, if the wages were paid immediately."

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Illustration - "Innocence"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A young girl of 4 was told she needed an X-ray after an accident. Her mother tried to calm her down, but she was still nervous when the time came for the X-Ray. When she came out of the X-ray room, however, she seemed relaxed and just fine. "They took a picture of my bones." she told her mother.

"Yes, dear," replied the mother. "Did everything go all right?"

"Yeah," said the girl. "It was great! I didn't even have to take my skin off, or anything!"

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Answering Machine

"Thank you for calling Adventures in Telephoning Unlimited. If you
wish to leave a message for Carol, please press 1. If you wish to
leave a message for Marge, please press 2. If it's Kristin you're
calling, please press 3. If none of these names make any sense to
you, you've probably called the wrong number. In that case, please
press 4 and leave a message for Nick, he's feeling ignored."

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County: Get lifeguard for wading pool

PORTSMOUTH, England (UPI) -- A Portsmouth, England, grandmother says her local government has ordered her to have a lifeguard on duty for the 2-foot-deep wading pool she put in her yard.

Lourdes Maxwell said she has been putting the small pool out in her yard at the start of summer for more than 20 years for her children, grandchildren and neighborhood kids to play in, The Daily Mail reported Tuesday.

However, she said the city council issued a health and safety edict ordering her to empty the pool after she wrote the council to seek permission for a larger pool outside her house. Maxwell said she contacted her member of Parliament, who convinced the city to allow Maxwell to keep the pool, provided she pays for insurance and has lifeguards watching the pool at all times.

"I asked around for insurance and they just laughed at me. No one offers insurance for paddling pools," Maxwell said. "I'm always there to supervise but they're trying to tell me I need lifeguards for a kiddies' pool as well -- it's crazy."

///

Woman jailed for blasting music

ACCRINGTON , England (UPI) -- A British woman has been sentenced to 90 days imprisonment for violating a court order that banned her from blasting Madonna music late at night.

Tracey Kirby, a 33-year-old mother of three, was found to have violated the anti-social behavior order 11 times by disturbing neighbors with loud selections from the work of her favorite singer, the Daily Mail reported Tuesday.

"This is the best news we've had in ages," said next-door neighbor Dave Schofield, who said the music frequently disturbed him, his girlfriend and his 11-year-old daughter.

"It's just a shame it's not for longer ... . We just hope that she will learn her lesson, otherwise she will be straight back doing the same thing," he said. "It's just been a complete nightmare living next door to this woman."

///

Sausage festival sets record

MADISON, Wis. (UPI) -- Organizers of Brat Fest in Madison, Wis., say the event broke its own world record by selling 191,712 bratwurst sausages during its four-day run.

Tim Metcalfe, one of the organizers, said the 2004 record of 189,432 brats was beaten when a "huge dinner rush" near the end of the festival led to 10,000 brats being sold in a single hour, The (Madison) Wisconsin State Journal reported Tuesday.

"The stage bands got up and said, 'If everybody buys one brat right now, we can break this record,'" Metcalfe said. "I think everybody just had one more."

Metcalfe estimated the bratwurst celebration raised more than $100,000 for the charities chosen by volunteer servers.

///

YouTube leads to tagger bust

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Los Angeles authorities say a graffiti tagger has been arrested after videos of the suspect allegedly performing the crimes were posted on YouTube.

Los Angeles Sheriff's Department deputies allege Cyrus Yazdani, who goes by the name "Buket," appears in several YouTube videos defacing signs and buses with spray paint, the Los Angeles Times reported Tuesday.

Sheriff's officials said Yazdani, 24, was arrested when he showed up to meet with his probation officer Tuesday and was expected to be charged with multiple charges of felony vandalism.

Yazdani is believed to be responsible for $150,000 in property damage, authorities said.

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The Children Are Our Future

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.
15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.

hUMOR For June 10th

Duck Food

One day while I was working in my office, this duck just

comes waddlin' in. He looks around for a while and then

jumps onto my desk and asks me, "Hey, do you got any duck

food?"

I said, "No, now get outa here." So he jumps back onto the

floor and waddles out of my office.

The next day the same duck comes back, looks around, and

jumps on my desk. "Hey, do you have any duck food?" he asks

again.

"No, now get outa here or I'll nail your feet to the floor."

"Oh, okay," he says and waddles out.

But the next day the duck comes waddling in and jumps on my

desk and asks, "You got any nails?"

"No," I answered.

"Good! You got any duck food?"

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Weird News

Man sells 'ghosts in a bottle'

ORLANDO, Fla. (UPI) -- The one thing you don't want to do when you buy a ghost in a bottle is open it, says a Florida man who makes the novelties with the help of "ghost catchers."

That would let the ghost back out, said John Deese, who vows that his team finds the ghosts in "haunted establishments, cars, hotels, maybe even graveyards." The St. Augustine, Fla., man told WKMG-TV of Orlando, Fla., they then stuff the captured spirits into bottles, which he sells on the Internet.

The first ghost was caught in a farmhouse in Decatur County, Ga., he said. Asked how a ghost is bottled, Deese told the station, "Well, if you went to KFC, you wouldn't ask for (their) secret recipe."

Prominently displayed on the bottles is the warning "open at your own risk."

///

Indy family stages toy car 'mini-500'

INDIANAPOLIS (UPI) -- It isn't the Indy 500, but the toy car race staged annually by a set of 11 Indianapolis brothers is an intensely competitive "mini-500," they say.

The Guynn brothers celebrate their semi-annual remote-control car rallies and races on a sophisticated backyard model racetrack complete with a computerized lap counter and stoplight alerts, the Indianapolis Star reported Sunday.

The Guynn brothers, who range in age from 40 to 60, were set to hold their 18th annual open-wheeler Monday -- a 500-lap event around the model track. The newspaper said the leader of the racing group is eldest brother Charlie Guynn, who tolerates little dissent and in the past has ejected his brothers from the race "for driving like Mr. Magoo."

The Catholic family even invites a priest from their church to give an invocation at the beginning of the race, the Star reported.

///

Snake-fearing firefighter called for boa

TORQUAY, England (UPI) -- A firefighter with a lifelong fear of snakes was called to a home in England to free a 6-foot boa constrictor trapped behind a radiator.

Owner Nicola Bewer of Torquay in Devon County said she called emergency services after the snake -- named Chaos -- became stuck, the BBC reported.

Snake-fearing Watch Commander Alan Gilson led the rescue effort, the British network said.

It took about 40 minutes to release Chaos unharmed.

"I do not like snakes, they are one of my childhood fears," Gilson said. "I did get my hands on the snake as I thought it was a good opportunity, but the experience has absolutely not cured my fear."

///

Mother of two wins hotdog-eating title

PITTSBURGH (UPI) -- A Maryland mother of two was recovering Sunday after eating 29 hotdogs in 10 minutes to win a Pittsburgh-area contest, a report says.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette identified the winner as Juliet Lee, 42, a Maryland native, as the winner of Saturday's Iron City hotdog-eating championship. Lee weighs only 105 pounds and defeated competitors who went by handles such as Steak-bellie and Wing Kong for the title, it said.

Lee may have been a ringer, however. The woman is a nationally ranked hotdog-eating competitor who is next moving on to Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest in Coney Island, N.Y., the newspaper said.

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360°

During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."

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Blind Date

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

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Weird News

Thousands gather to watch cheese-chasers

BROCKWORTH, England (UPI) -- Thousands of people showed up Monday to watch competitors participate in the yearly chasing of Double Gloucester cheese down Cooper's Hill in England.

Cheese-chasers from all around the world were drenched in rain and mud during the strange, and risky, event as they ran, tumbled and slid down a steep hill after an over-sized circle of cheese, the Sun reported.

At least 19 people were injured plunging down the dangerously steep slope, the BBC reported.

The event's managers had warned participants the giant circle of cheese would roll, regardless of the weather.

"I have done absolutely no preparation for this, which is worrying. It seems people taking part just dull their fear by having a few drinks beforehand," British comedian Rory McGrath, 52, said as he was getting ready to roll.

///

Bar game offers $3 lobsters

HILTON HEAD, S.C. (UPI) -- A company that manufactures machines that dispense real lobsters says five businesses in the Hilton Head, S.C., area have installed its products.

The Lobster Game machines, which debuted years ago in Florida and have recently begun spreading through the Carolinas, costs three dollars to play and awards live lobsters to those who can capture them with the machine's button-operated claw, the (Hilton Head) Island Packet reported Monday.

The company that manufactures the machines, Bluewater Vending, said the machines earn bar and restaurant owners an average $1,000 per day. It said bars and restaurants that contain the machines offer to cook the lobsters for the winners or allow them to take them home.

Bars said some customers $30 or more at a time trying to capture the lobsters.

Employees at Jock's Sports Grill in nearby Bluffton said they briefly operated one of the machines, but got rid of it after customers became too skilled and the machine began running out of lobsters too frequently.

///

Teen fined $100 for letting balloon go

NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE, England (UPI) -- A British woman said police were being "petty and vindictive" when they fined her teenage son about $100 for letting a balloon float away.

Max Twizell, 16, was ordered to fork over nearly $100 for littering after he let go of a balloon filled with helium at a charity gathering in Newcastle, England, the Daily Mail reported Sunday.

"Will the council fine every charity that holds a balloon race 50 pounds ($100) per balloon? How about toddlers in prams who accidentally release their helium balloon?" the boy's mother, Lorraine Twizell said.

Stephen Savage, director of regulatory services and public protection, told the newspaper authorities are required to bust those who litter.

"We believe pursuing action against offenses like this sends out an uncompromising message that litter dropping in the city will not be tolerated," he said

///

Grandmother busted for kitty posters

DENTON, England (UPI) -- A British woman said she escaped a conviction and fine after authorities warned her to remove posters that sought the owner of a lost cat.

Joy Tracey, a grandmother of three, said she was only trying to get the orange feline, named Copper, back his owners when she put 12 posters on lampposts surrounding her home in Denton, England, Sky News reported.

Tracey said she tried to locate the kitty's owners for two weeks after she found him in her yard, and was surprised when a law enforcement officer called her.

"He said whilst he sympathized, it was an offense, and told me to remove them all from the Denton area or face a hefty fine. The world is going potty with petty officialdom," Tracy said.

Amid a flurry of local media attention about the city's tough reaction to the posters, Tracy was able to return Copper to his rightful home.

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Quick Stop

A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes failed. They screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks. They all got out of the car.

The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."

The systems analyst said, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist look at it."

The programmer said, "Okay, but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again."

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Dumb Galoot

At one of the last all-girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.

"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you," she said. Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if the big, dumb galoot is in the restaurant ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."

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Multiple Storms

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain.

"Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student.

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor." replied the student.

"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?"

The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms, sir."

hUMOR June 9th

Duck Food

One day while I was working in my office, this duck just

comes waddlin' in. He looks around for a while and then

jumps onto my desk and asks me, "Hey, do you got any duck

food?"

I said, "No, now get outa here." So he jumps back onto the

floor and waddles out of my office.

The next day the same duck comes back, looks around, and

jumps on my desk. "Hey, do you have any duck food?" he asks

again.

"No, now get outa here or I'll nail your feet to the floor."

"Oh, okay," he says and waddles out.

But the next day the duck comes waddling in and jumps on my

desk and asks, "You got any nails?"

"No," I answered.

"Good! You got any duck food?"

hUMOR For June 8th

Analytical Gunfighters

Two analytical chemists in the Wild West are on the town's main
street, ready to draw their weapons.

One says: "Don't MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% Lead, 1%
Antimony, 0.98% Cobalt, and 0.02% elements below their detection levels!"

The other one says: "HOLD on there, cowboy. Are those values CERTIFIED??"

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Low Stock

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

The clerk smiled and said, "Rain."

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Oysters

A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach.

"What did you eat for dinner last night?" asked the doctor.

"Oysters," she said.

"Fresh oysters?" asked the doctor.

"How should I know?" said the lady

"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"

"My Gosh," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"

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Playing Golf

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they had passionate relations all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man prepared to leave, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been together all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying jerk! You've been playing golf!"

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Weird News

'Dumb criminal' posts evidence on YouTube

LEEDS, England (UPI) -- A British man has been deemed the city's "dumbest criminal" by authorities after he posted videos of himself engaging in anti-social actives on YouTube.

Leeds City Council called Andrew Kellett, 23, the city's "dumbest criminal" after he put at least 80 videos on the Internet video-sharing site of people, including himself, participating in unlawful activities, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

It is reported the incriminating videos include footage of people taking drugs, racing cars and taking off from a gas station with stolen fuel.

"Kellett must be in the running to be Leeds' dumbest criminal. He has handed us the evidence against him on a plate," said Les Carter, a member of Leeds City Council.

Kellett Tuesday was given an interim anti-social behavior order at Leeds Magistrates Court, forbidding him from posting further illegal behaviors on YouTube until his hearing next month.

///

Deer causes a ruckus in salon scuffle

QUAKERTOWN, Pa. (UPI) -- A Pennsylvania man says it was his only option to body check a deer when it busted through the door of a salon where his son was getting a haircut.

In an unexpected twist to a calm afternoon at Holiday Hair in Quakertown, Pa., a whitetail buck charged through a glass door and ran amok, the (Allentown, Pa.) Morning Call reported Wednesday.

''He was charging right at my son, so I decked him. The only thing I could do, I grabbed him by the neck and slammed him to the ground,'' Randy Goepfert, 36, said Tuesday.

It is reported Goepfert managed to contain the deer in a closed off room until authorities arrived and tranquilized it.

Authorities said they euthanized the animal because of injuries it sustained.

///

Museum covers up nude mummies

MANCHESTER, England (UPI) -- Officials at England's Manchester Museum say they decided to cover up mummies in a display after complaints from patrons that their nudity was insensitive.

Some patrons and historians say the museum's move is unnecessary and makes a joke of the mummy exhibit, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

"This is totally preposterous. Surely people realize that if they go to see Egyptian remains some of them may not be dressed in their best bib and tucker," museum patron Josh Lennon said.

Museum officials have defended their move and say it was prompted by public complaints.

"We get a regular stream of feedback from people saying it is insensitive to display unwrapped mummies. We are trying to follow government guidelines about how they should be displayed with respect and sensitivity," said Nick Merriman, director at the Manchester Museum.

///

Museum covers up nude mummies

MANCHESTER, England (UPI) -- Officials at England's Manchester Museum say they decided to cover up mummies in a display after complaints from patrons that their nudity was insensitive.

Some patrons and historians say the museum's move is unnecessary and makes a joke of the mummy exhibit, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

"This is totally preposterous. Surely people realize that if they go to see Egyptian remains some of them may not be dressed in their best bib and tucker," museum patron Josh Lennon said.

Museum officials have defended their move and say it was prompted by public complaints.

"We get a regular stream of feedback from people saying it is insensitive to display unwrapped mummies. We are trying to follow government guidelines about how they should be displayed with respect and sensitivity," said Nick Merriman, director at the Manchester Museum.

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I'll Check

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.

"Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll check."

Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."

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"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has

endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us

to forgo their use." --Galileo Galilei

***

"There are two kinds of people who never amount to much:

those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can

do nothing else." --Cyrus Curtis

***

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you

should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid

with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is

absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."

--P. J. O'Rourke

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Early in the Civil War, when the Union armies were suffering

repeated defeats, Abraham Lincoln was discussing the war

situation with his cabinet.

"How many men do you estimate are in the Confederate army?"

a cabinet member asked.

"About a million and a half," said Lincoln.

"That many?" said another member. "I thought the number was

considerably less."

"So did I," said Lincoln, "but every time one of our generals

lose a battle, he insists that he was outnumbered three to

one - and we have about 500,000 men."

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The local high school has a policy that the parents must call

the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice

deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.

So she waited until her parents had left for work and called

the school herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it

to school today because she is ill."

Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that.

I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

"This is my mother."

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Out of Gas

The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help.

Finally two men walked up to her. "I'm out of gas," she

purred. "Could you please push me to the gas station?"

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it

several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to

see that they had just passed a filling station.

"How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.

"I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have

full service."

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Dodge City

A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.

"OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar "I,m gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City."

With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him. As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him.

"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge City?"

The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!"

hUMOR For June 7th

High School Metaphors

Some metaphors written by students in high school English class....

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag
filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left New York at 6:36 PM traveling west at 55 mph, the other
from Chicago at 4:19 PM traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but
a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land
mine or something.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

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Two Storks

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the heck out of college students!"

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Didn't Do It

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply.

She said, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

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Keeping Fit

Grandpa Melvin Cranston was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," he happily cackled. "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

And, Grandpa Melvin continued, "Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

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Alimony

Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said. "And, I have decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then, I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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Peanuts and Cigarettes

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that after shave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You jerk. Oh my gosh you stink. Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Jet Fuel

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you...err... broken wind yet?"

"No."

"Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"

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Fast Dads

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!!"

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Smart In-Law

One day, while having a heated argument with each other, the angry wife said to her husband, "I should have taken my mother's advice and never should have married you! How she tried to stop me!"

The husband replied, "Well, I'll be! How I have misjudged that woman!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Rabbi Returns"

I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic circumstances."

The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

"Imagine,"she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!"

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Dark Parachute Jumps

Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps

difficult and dangerous. So we attach small lights called

chemlites to our jumpsuits to make ourselves visible to the

rest of our team. Late one night, lost after a practice

jump, we knocked on the door of a small cottage. When a

woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men

festooned in glowing chemlites.

"Excuse me," I said. "Can you tell me where we are?"

In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Recent Quips From Late Night

"On Wednesday, John Edwards officially endorsed himself for vice president. ... It's believed that Edwards' endorsement of Senator Obama will help Obama nail down the critical handsome millionaire vote." --Amy Poehler

"The California Supreme Court has overturned the ban on gay marriage, paving the way for California's first legal gay marriages not involving Liza Minnelli. So that's pretty good. This is groundbreaking. You know what this means? Finally, taking loved ones for granted won't be just for straight people anymore." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Barack Obama gave a speech in South Dakota. At the end of the speech, the crowd gave him a standing ovation. Yeah, very cool. Obama got the standing ovation not for his speech, but for being the first black person in South Dakota." --Conan O'Brien

"To give you an idea of how low President Bush's approval rating is, during the flight of Air Force One to the Middle East, they made him sit in the bathroom the entire way. And while he was in Israel, President Bush launched a political attack on Barack Obama. I guess he attacked him over there, so he doesn't have to attack him over here." --Jay Leno

"A monumental victory for the gay rights movement. The California Supreme Court on Thursday overturned a ban on gay marriage. This is great news for the state's mesh tuxedo industry." --Amy Poehler

"Speaking of presidents, Bill Clinton in the news. Bill Clinton is in a little trouble. He gave a speech at a high school in Kentucky. He was 90 minutes late. He showed up 90 minutes late. Yeah, Clinton told the students, 'I'd explain why I'm late, but you're not quite old enough yet.'" --Conan O'Brien

hUMOR For June 6th

Analytical Gunfighters

Two analytical chemists in the Wild West are on the town's main
street, ready to draw their weapons.

One says: "Don't MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% Lead, 1%
Antimony, 0.98% Cobalt, and 0.02% elements below their detection levels!"

The other one says: "HOLD on there, cowboy. Are those values CERTIFIED??"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Deep Voice”

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!

He looks around; nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after a bit, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN!

OK, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to break the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

Well, the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27!

The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: OOOPS!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Biffy seeks to replace toilet paper

BOULDER CITY, Nev. (UPI) -- A Nevada company has created the Biffy, a personal cleaning product aimed at decreasing toilet paper consumption.

Warren Smith, who invented the contraption and founded the American Biffy Co., said his product is designed to clean backsides more efficiently than toilet paper or standalone bidets.

"Using toilet paper to clean our bottoms is like trying to clean dishes with a paper towel," Smith said. "Our product provides a practical and more natural way to be clean, while reducing an average family's toilet paper consumption by up to 75 percent."

The Biffy mechanism hides under the toilet seat and sprays and antibacterial concoction from a nozzle that is placed to suit the user's preference.

"The water needed to operate a Biffy is nominal compared to the amount of toilet paper that is saved," Smith said. "When you look at the best option for the environment, there really is no comparison."

///

Art student creates simulated bedmate

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York art student's project allows viewers to get into bed with a simulated woman.

Drew Burrows told the New York Post that "In Bed" is a comment on loneliness. The project involved a mattress along with a computer and projector to provide the woman.

"It's really G-rated," Burrows said.

"It's based on the idea that you're coming home to an empty bed or coming home to someone sleeping in bed who is either excited or not so excited about joining you. It works on all those different levels. "The aim is to touch on those feelings of loneliness and intimacy."

Burrows is a graduate student at the Tisch School of the Arts at New York University. "In Bed" was on exhibit last week during the two-day Interactive Telecommunications Program Spring Show.

Natsuki Arai, a professional dancer and friend of the artist, was the model for the sleeping brunette.

///

Knife skills give man breath of fresh air

OMAHA (UPI) -- A knife to the throat was a good thing for an Omaha man who performed a tracheotomy on himself, a move his doctor says wasn't such a bad idea.

Steve Wilder, 55, performed the do-it-yourself operation after he awoke unable to breathe, ABC News reported Tuesday. Wilder, concerned about whether the rescue squad would reach him in time, raced to his kitchen, found a steak knife, then made a slit through his throat so air could pass through his windpipe unobstructed.

It's not like the 55-year-old truck driver hadn't done the procedure before. He did the same thing in 2006 when he thought he couldn't breathe.

"I did what I did the first time. I took a knife and opened it up," Wilder told ABC. "I did it to save my life."

The problem began after Wilder underwent radiation treatment for throat cancer four years ago.

His doctor, Paul Sherrerd, has placed a permanent tube in Wilder's throat to help him breathe when needed.

"As crazy as it sounds," Sherrerd said of Wilder's emergency operation, "it probably wasn't the craziest thing to do."

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A Simple Explanation of Baseball"

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"If houseplants ever take over the world, I'm probably going to be sitting in shackles at their version of the Nuremberg trials."
- Tim H. Richweis

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CleanPun - "Pink Elephant"

A pink elephant is a beast of bourbon.

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Clearing Out

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock cricket game.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Advice

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Sausages

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.

Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.

Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Deadly Food

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in New York City.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes that there are germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." said the dietitian.

The man lowered his head and responded, "Wedding cake?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Passport Photo

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo.

As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to

the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told

her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this

one."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Obama is expected to clinch the majority of the delegates,

but there are delegates, superdelegates, pledged delegates,

Lemon-Pledge delegates and, of course, the farmer and the

delegates." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Starbucks announced they are going to do away with their

topless mermaid logo. For what they charge for a cup of

coffee it should be served by a topless mermaid." -Jay Leno

***

"The music producer Lou Perlman was sentenced today to 25

years in prison. That's outrageous! He's the guy who created

In Sync and the Backstreet Boys. I would have given him the

chair." -Craig Ferguson

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Walter arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted

with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.

"What are you laughing at?" asked Walter.

"There's a big black smudge on your face," said the girl.

"Oh, that!" said Walter. "That's easy to explain. I saw my

wife off on a month's vacation this morning; I took her to

the station and kissed her good-bye."

"But what about the smudge?"

"As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine."