hUMOR For May 30th

Passport Photo

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I
handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I
sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine

started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic

little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's

funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly,

"It wasn't opportunity."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Irish Alzheimer's
Making atonement for a broken commandment...

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?”

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, “No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Great Price

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady s house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Serving Lawyers

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Domain Names

Recently Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating specialdomains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon.

But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from the sites in them..

".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner

".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company

".love"--for people who would rather cuddle

".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines

".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean

".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996

".y2k"--contains theories about the end of the world

".burn"--huge multimedia files will crash your computer

".*"--contains gossip about celebrity melt downs

".duh"--explains, in detail, stuff you already know

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cheaper Alternative

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so? How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Married 25 Years

When a man was married 25 years, he took a look at his wife

one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap rented

house and a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a

19-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night

with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

"Now we have an $800,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice bed,

and a plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a

50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding

up your side of things."

His wife, being a very reasonable woman, told him to go out

and find a hot 25-year-old blonde and she would make sure

that he would once again be living in a cheap rented house,

driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a

19-inch black-and-white TV, if he was lucky.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

'Gas can' turns out to hold orange juice

MELBOURNE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Melbourne, Fla., went after a man seen heading into the woods Tuesday with a gas can that proved to hold only orange juice.

A passerby reported the sighting and told police the man was carrying a 5-gallon can of gas, Florida Today reported. Police went looking for the man, found him and discovered the container's contents were not combustible.

Police in the area are nervous about brush fires and the possibility of arson. At least nine were burning in Palm Bay, just southwest of Melbourne. Investigators believe they were deliberately set.

///

'Rickroll' prank comes to Baltimore

BALTIMORE (UPI) -- Almost 50 people sang the lyrics of British pop star Rick Astley in Baltimore during the weekend as part of a "rickroll" prank, fans say.

Fans either sing or redirect Internet browsers to recognize Astley's 1980s hit song, "Never Gonna Give You Up." The Baltimore Sun said Sunday.

"I'm in love with this song," said Ryan Goff, who organized the "rickroll" event Saturday at the city's Inner Harbor. "I thought I'd be absolutely sick of it, but I like it more. I'm working on singing it backward."

Traditionally a "rickroll" takes place online when unsuspecting browsers click on a serious-sounding link only to watch a video of Astley singing his hit.

For Goff, and others like him, the online bit was not enough. Soon Astley fans were taking to the streets to share their love of the pop star with strangers, the Sun reported.

"It's grass roots; you've got to make the best of it," Goff said. "It's all in the spirit of Rick."

///

Scientists probe odd Greenland sharks

DARTMOUTH, Nova Scotia (UPI) -- Canadian scientists are waging a research campaign on Greenland sharks, which are almost opposite of any other shark and described as "very, very strange."

Steve Campana of the Bedford Institute of Oceanography in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, and Aaron Fisk of the University of Windsor, Ontario, traveled to the Arctic in April to tag and release the sharks, the Ottawa Citizen reported.

Among the few things known about the Greenland shark is that it has almost no spine, is slow-moving and lethargic and its mouth is far under its body, Campana said. Researchers learned from local Inuit aboriginal people its meat is poisonous, the report said.

"These are very, very strange sharks," Campana said. "They are really the antithesis to the fast-swimming great white and mako (sharks)."

He said they can grow to 30 feet in length, and also have hundreds of razor-sharp teeth as seen when researchers found dead sharks and opened their stomachs.

"Every single one was jam-packed with food. A lot of it was large fish" but he said there were also baby seals.

///

Australian safety official loses license

SYDNEY (UPI) -- The minister in charge of road safety in the Australian state of New South Wales announced Tuesday his license is about to be suspended for speeding.

John Della Bosca, the state education minister, told reporters he did not try to bury the news by making the announcement on the same day as the release of the federal budget, The Sydney Morning Herald reported. He admitted he is a serial offender who was put over the limit for revocation in late April when he was clocked coming out of a tunnel at more than 10 mph over the posted limit.

He acknowledged he only told the Roads and Traffic Authority on Tuesday that he was the driver of the offending car. Della Bosca is also industrial relations minister, which puts him in charge of the motor accidents authority.

Barry O'Farrell, the opposition leader in New South Wales, lampooned Della Bosca at a news conference Tuesday by raising his pinky finger in front of reporters. The gesture is used in a road safety commercial to suggest that men who violate traffic rules are not well endowed.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Interesting Product Ideas

Porsche is working on a hybrid SUV. A hybrid SUV with the Porsche name. Perfect for a man in his midlife crisis who is married to a soccer mom.

A Porsche hybrid SUV sounds as marketable as a Hummer moped.

hUMOR For May 29th

A Difficult Question

There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was
to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview
progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he
could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got
impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice? I
shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think
well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real
difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man
on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's
the DAY, sir."

Thinking to himself ("At last, I got you!"), the interviewer smiled
and said, "How???"

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you would ask me ONLY ONE difficult
question!"

The student was admitted to the University.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Caution

A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day

they were discussing the various labels affixed to

prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and

"Take with water."

At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample

labels.

Days later he noticed that one member of the class had

struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook. It read:

"Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Students have fun on mega-scavenger hunt

CHICAGO (UPI) -- Participants in the 22nd annual University of Chicago scavenger hunt said they had a great time traveling as far as Las Vegas to compete in the wacky event.

The event, deemed "the world's largest scavenger hunt," ended Sunday, allowing nine teams to relax after four days of searching for unusual items and completing bizarre tasks at the drop of a hat, the Chicago Tribune reported.

"There's a lot of brain power going into academic problems. This allows us to take another kind of brain power and put it into frivolous, trivial but completely enjoyable tasks," said David Pisano, a 21-year-old senior.

This year's hunt even involved flying a group of students to Las Vegas to seek out "D" list celebrities and photograph themselves with beauties competing in the Miss Hawaiian Tropic International Model Search Swimsuit Competition.

"They're international swimsuit contestants. I had no complaints," Pisano said.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

British pet psychic helps find lost dog

LONDON (UPI) -- A British woman said her missing Jack Russell terrier was excited to return home after a psychic used supernatural methods to pinpoint his location.

Nikki Newcombe, 35, was relieved to have her dog, Marmite, return home after he spent a week stranded in a hole, the Mirror reported.

Newcombe went to Pea Horsley, a London woman who says she has psychic abilities, for help after having no luck finding the lost pooch on her own.

Horsley used her abilities to tell Newcombe about landmarks the dog traveled past before falling into the hole, the Mirror said.

Sure enough, Newcombe took Horsley's advice and found Marmite barking from a hole in the ground.

"It's one of the quickest I've found," Horsley said.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Man cuts car in half to make a point

TREDWORTH, England (UPI) -- An outraged British man said he sawed his son's car in half after local authorities clamped it for no reason.

Ian Taylor, 40 of Tredworth, England, said he was so upset to find his son's Ford Fiesta was impounded, he was prompted to use a power disc cutter to chop it in half to stand up for his beliefs, the Sun reported Monday.

Taylor said the car was registered to be parked off the street, but the clamper nailed him because two inches of the back end was sticking out of the driveway.

"I had to make a point. The vehicle was totally legal where it was. It was a drastic step but I stand by my decision," Taylor said.

Taylor said he told the clampers they could take the back end of the car because it was the section that violated the rules.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Confessions

To celebrate their 50th anniversary, a husband booked a round of golf for his wife and himself on a trip to famous old St. Andrews' Golf Course in Scotland.

On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, "Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you."

They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry, darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation; I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.

The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on his wife's clubs.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar...you cheat ... you despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies' tees?!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Off-Duty

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets--each for not wearing a seat belt.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

In Love

A man sitting at the window one evening casually called to his wife, "There's that woman that the guy next door is in love with!"

His wife, in the kitchen, dropped the plate she was drying, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase, and looked out the window. "Where? Where?" she demanded.

"Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress."

"You idiot! That's his wife!"

"Yes, I know," the husband grinned.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted

but getting what you have, which once you got it you may be

smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you

known." --Garrison Keillor

***

"Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any

moment." --Ira Gassen

***

"Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I

have tested it." --Mark Twain

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement

home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said

Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use

the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little

humor to the occasion."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine

started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic

little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's

funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly,

"It wasn't opportunity."

hUMOR For May 28th

When Snails Attack

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Banged Up

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out.

"I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Three Questions

A man calls his lawyer and asks: How much would you charge me to answer three questions?

LAWYER: Four Hundred Dollars

MAN: That's a bit steep don't you think?

LAWYER: I suppose...What's you third question?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Good Advice

A man approached a local person in a village he was

visiting.

"What's the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Teaching Applicant

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: 'Let me see If I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this And then you tell me....

I CAN'T PRAY?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Jose and Carlos are Panhandlers.

They panhandle on different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2 to $3 dollars
every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in
a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move
back to Mexico."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down
and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts, 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben
dahin gesheissen.' Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows s--t in it'.)

The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you.

I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of

Islam, speak to me in English.'

The Amish farmer replies, 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it –

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Restroom Use Policy"

FROM: Human Resources Department
SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"Anarchy is better than no government at all."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Cabbies"

A cabbie is a fare-minded person.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Doctor's Orders”

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"Less? Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."

hUMOR For May 28th

When Snails Attack

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day. A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.

Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Banged Up

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out.

"I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Three Questions

A man calls his lawyer and asks: How much would you charge me to answer three questions?

LAWYER: Four Hundred Dollars

MAN: That's a bit steep don't you think?

LAWYER: I suppose...What's you third question?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Good Advice

A man approached a local person in a village he was

visiting.

"What's the quickest way to York?"

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Teaching Applicant

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: 'Let me see If I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this And then you tell me....

I CAN'T PRAY?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Jose and Carlos are Panhandlers.

They panhandle on different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2 to $3 dollars
every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in
a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move
back to Mexico."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down
and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts, 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben
dahin gesheissen.' Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows s--t in it'.)

The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you.

I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of

Islam, speak to me in English.'

The Amish farmer replies, 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it –

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"Restroom Use Policy"

FROM: Human Resources Department
SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.

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Oneliner

"Anarchy is better than no government at all."

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CleanPun - "Cabbies"

A cabbie is a fare-minded person.

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”Doctor's Orders”

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"Less? Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."

hUMOR For May 27th

Weird News

State doesn't laugh at funny stop signs

OAK LAWN, Ill. (UPI) -- The mayor of Oak Lawn, Ill., said he wishes the state hadn't made him take down comical messages he posted under stop signs around town.

The Illinois Department of Transportation made Mayor Dave Heilmann remove comments such as "and smell the roses" and "means that you aren't moving" from underneath 50 Oak Lawn stop signs, the Chicago Tribune reported.

Heilmann was ordered to take down the comments after receiving a letter from the department April 17, seven months after he began posting them as part of a public safety campaign to reduce speeding.

"I thought that was a very harsh response to an effort to promote safety. I truly believe the signs were making an impact," Heilmann told the newspaper.

The department said the funny slogans went against the federal Manual on Uniform Traffic Control Devices and Oak Lawn could face cuts for federally funded projects if they weren't taken down.

///

Court transcribers can't handle Scottish

EDINBURGH, England (UPI) -- Some Scottish lawyers complain that court transcripts are riddled with errors because the English company hired to make them can't handle the Scottish accent.

Donald Findlay, a queen's counsel or lawyer who can represent the government in court, told The Scotsman the transcriptions are "bloody awful."

"They know nothing of the local topography, which leads to some amazing phonetic translations of places," he added. "I would have thought it's not beyond the wit of man to check place names on the Internet."

The Scottish Court Service in 2006 designated Mendip Media Service, a company based in Devon, at the other end of Britain, to make transcriptions. Mendip blames the transcription problem on poor quality recording equipment used in Scottish courts but said it has also been using Scottish transcribers as much as possible.

Poll: Everyday civility declining in Utah

SALT LAKE CITY (UPI) -- Residents of Utah are growing increasingly concerned that everyday civility is in decline, a poll indicated.

The Deseret Morning News said Sunday a poll it conducted with KSL-TV indicated most Utah residents believe civility in their state has declined during the past decade.

The Dan Jones & Associates survey of an unspecified number of people found that 67 percent of respondents said civility had declined, while 11 percent said civility had improved in Utah.

When asked in what ways civility declined, more than 90 percent of those who saw a problem cited cell-phone use, language and driving as the most troublesome violations of civility.

The Morning News said other problem areas included table manners, dress, e-mails and customer service.

P.M. Forni of Johns Hopkins University said such problems are rarely addressed in normal society.

"People, in general, in surveys see the problem but very seldom do they see themselves as part of the problem," said Forni, who heads up the university's Civility Project.

///

Elderly blind man bowls perfect 300

ALTA, Iowa (UPI) -- An elderly blind man says he wasn't nervous and felt like a pro when he bowled a perfect game in front of a crowd at Century Lanes in Alta, Iowa.

Dale Davis, 78, a legally blind man nicknamed "The Hammer," made headlines when he rolled a 300 while bowling with his league, CBS News "The Early Show" reported.

"I didn't feel nervous. My hand was a little sweaty, but other than that, I wasn't really nervous. I just thought, 'Good Lord, let me throw a couple or three more good balls' ... and I got the help, I guess," he said.

It is reported Davis has had macular degeneration for 10 years, an incurable eye disease that has caused him to lose vision entirely in one eye and partially in the other.

"It was quite a thrill. For just a few minutes there, I felt like a pro," Davis said.

///

Dog owners flock to Fashion Island

NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. (UPI) -- A high-end outdoor mall in Newport Beach, Calif., has become an increasingly popular place for dog lovers as stores in Fashion Island welcome canines.

The dog-friendly mall in California's Orange County is a paradise for pooches of all kinds, as owners are allowed to browse freely with their pets through up-scale shops, the Los Angeles Times reported Sunday.

"Dogs have become the new kids. You tend to spoil them," said Kathy Jones, manager of Muttropolis, a fancy pet store on Fashion Island.

Some dog lovers say all malls should be as welcoming as Fashion Island when it comes to allowing canines indoors.

"Everybody loves dogs" said Fashion Island shopper Joey Magazzu. "They need more places like this where you can bring your dog."

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"Young Patient"

A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.

One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?"

Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"

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CleanQuote

"It's okay to have nothing to say unless you're talking."

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Illustration - "Stress"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."

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In School

Vernie, had just started school. His teacher commented to Vernie that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did
all day while he was in school.

"Cartwheels," Vernie answered.

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One of the single girls in the office came in one morning

and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue

ribbons.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a

diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy,"

she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"

***

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past

a row of empty shopping carts when the cart-girl standing

there called after him, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like

a man."

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Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were ex-

pecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me

at work all the way from Japan with the news of my grand-

child's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned

to relate it all to my co-workers.

"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she

weighs five pounds."

"When was she born?" someone asked.

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the

calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"

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A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told

him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a

dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-

or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever

printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million

dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything

close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all

over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."

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Henpecked

Amanpreet was henpecked. He was seeing a psychiatrist about the problem. The doctor told him, "You don't have to let your wife bully you! Go home and show her you're the boss!"

Preet got home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from ME! When I get home from now on, I want my supper ON the table.

"I want you go right NOW and lay out my clothes. I'm going out with the boys.

"And YOU'RE going to stay home where you belong. Another thing, you know who's going to tie my tie?"

Preet's wife replied calmly, "The undertaker?"

hUMOR For May 26th

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race

appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had

children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many ages ago there were monkeys from

which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom,

how is it possible that you told me the human race was

created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told

you about my side of the family and your father told you

about his."

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Jake is five years old and learning to read. He points to a

picture in a zoo book and says, "Look, Mama! It's a frickin'

elephant!"

Deep breath... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does... "A f r i c a n Elephant."

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

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Did God Make You?

As grandmother Schar looked on from her rocker, grandfather Dan and granddaughter Nikki were sitting and talking when the young lady asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," Dan answered.

A few minutes later, the girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the old man answered.

For a few minutes, the cute young lady seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

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China will no longer publish a phone directory due to chaos.

There are so many Wing's and Wong's in THE DIRECTORY,

people were always wingin wong numbers

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Dangerous Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign
saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he
noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."

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Hospital Fun

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.

“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”

Peter said, “But I could be dead by then!”

Receptionist replied, “No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment. “

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Crossbreeding

An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.

Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.

Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves.

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Birthday Message

A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says, "Put 'You're not getting older,' at the top and 'You're getting better' at the bottom."

The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You're not getting older at the top, You're getting better at the bottom."

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Cheap Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.”

When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband ‘Keith’ came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

“Hi, Keith!”

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"Charlie Sheen is getting married. This will make wife number

three for him. Somebody should tell him you don't need to get

married to have a bachelor party." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"I was going to get my mom something special for Mother's

Day, but then I realized she's already going to get that

economic stimulus check." -David Letterman

***

"The other day in Iowa, a 78-year-old blind man went bowling,

and he bowled a perfect game. Of course, no one had the heart

to tell him he was in a supermarket." -Conan O'Brien

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A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery

and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today,"

she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"

One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the

Garden of Eden?"

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A peculiar posting appeared one day on the company bulletin

board. It read: Used tombstone for sale. Ideal for Person

Named "Murphy."

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Weird News

Mom sues after kid steps in poo

NORWALK, Conn. (UPI) -- An attorney for Norwalk, Conn., says a mother's suit against the city for her toddler's shoes being ruined by dog poo is among the most frivolous he's seen.

City Attorney M. Jeffry Spahr said Kelly DeBrocky of Mahopac, N.Y., filed suit against the city April 7, seeking $100 compensation for her child's ruined shoes and tickets for Maritime Aquarium -- which the mother said her family had to leave early because of the incident -- The (Stamford, Conn.) Advocate reported Thursday.

"I had to read it twice," Spahr said. "Immediately, what I did was say, 'You're not going to believe this one.' It was hilarious. What are these people thinking about? Just when you think you've heard it all."

DeBrocky defended he suit.

"I was just really skeeved, I thought the whole thing was disgusting," she said. "We had to pay for admission to the aquarium and my son had no shoes and it made the entire experience awful."

"The official response is her claim is denied and poop happens," said Spahr.

///

Woman fired over 16-cent doughnut

LONDON, Ontario (UPI) -- Canada's largest doughnut chain fired a woman in London, Ontario, for giving a customer's toddler a 16-cent doughnut nugget for free.

Nicole Lilliman, 27, was summoned to the office of the Tim Hortons franchise Wednesday and told video surveillance had caught her giving the child a Timbit -- a tablespoon-sized solid doughnut on Monday, the London Free Press reported Thursday.

"It was just out of my heart -- (the child) was pointing and going 'ah, ah'," she said. "I should have gone to my purse and got the change, but it was busy."

She said the three managers who summoned her fired her for theft and told her she had to sign the accusation before leaving.

She told the newspaper Timbits are routinely given away to dogs in cars at the drive-through window. Tim Hortons district manager Nicole Mitchell told the Free Press those cases involve "day-old and recycled" Timbits.

"Employees aren't allowed to give out free products and that's the bottom line," she said.