hUMOR For May 21st

Saigon

There was a young man from Saigon

Whose limericks were two lines long.

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Sick Mule

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"

The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

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$1 Bill Meets $20 Bill

A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

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Life is Backwards

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, then spend your last nine months floating!

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Weird News

N.Y. town dedicated to honoring Jell-O

BATAVIA, N.Y. (UPI) -- True Jell-O fans might think they are in seventh heaven if they get to Le Roy, a New York town that practically worships the gelatin brand.

More than 10,000 Jell-O fans travel to Le Roy each year to partake in its Jell-O Gallery exhibits, dedicated to recognizing the popular dessert, The New York Times reported.

The General Mills Inc. factory that originally produced Jell-O has been closed for more than 40 years, but the gallery celebrates Jell-O in all its unnatural glory.

"Most little historical societies would give their eye teeth for a hook like we have," gallery director Lynne J. Belluscio said.

Bulluscio, whose gallery is paired in Le Roy with a Jell-O Brick Road, told the Times that Mormons are particularly fond of the dessert food.

In fact, Jell-O was officially declared the state snack of the Mormon-rich state of Utah in 2001.

The Times said based on gallery information, Jell-O was invented in 1897 by Le Roy carpenter Pearle B. Wait, whose wife is credited with coming up with the name that has become known worldwide.

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'Rickroll' prank comes to Baltimore

BALTIMORE (UPI) -- Almost 50 people sang the lyrics of British pop star Rick Astley in Baltimore during the weekend as part of a "rickroll" prank, fans say.

Fans either sing or redirect Internet browsers to recognize Astley's 1980s hit song, "Never Gonna Give You Up." The Baltimore Sun said Sunday.

"I'm in love with this song," said Ryan Goff, who organized the "rickroll" event Saturday at the city's Inner Harbor. "I thought I'd be absolutely sick of it, but I like it more. I'm working on singing it backward."

Traditionally a "rickroll" takes place online when unsuspecting browsers click on a serious-sounding link only to watch a video of Astley singing his hit.

For Goff, and others like him, the online bit was not enough. Soon Astley fans were taking to the streets to share their love of the pop star with strangers, the Sun reported.

"It's grass roots; you've got to make the best of it," Goff said. "It's all in the spirit of Rick."

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Daley clearly not a big 'Ellen' fan

CHICAGO (UPI) -- Chicago Mayor Richard Daley is clearly not a loyal fan of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" or he wouldn't have called its host "Helen" at a recent event.

Daley introduced the popular TV talk show host as Helen DeGeneres at a special taping of the series in Chicago this weekend and the comedian immediately pounced on the error, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.

"The city has a whole transportation system named after me. 'El.' 'Ellen,'" DeGeneres told the nearly 1,300 people in attendance at Saturday's taping.

Daley's error also became fodder for comedian Robin Williams, who used the bungled announcement for a joke when he came on stage.

"My name is Reuben here," Williams said.

The Sun-Times said the videotaped show will air Tuesday. By the way, Daley did not engage in the show's custom of guests dancing with the host.

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Elusive bear spotted again in Orlando

ORLANDO, Fla. (UPI) -- A bear that eluded capture by Orlando, Fla., wildlife officials last year was spotted again this weekend hiding in a tree, only to escape once again.

The bear, which was foraging for food in a residential area, was startled by onlookers and climbed into a tree, later climbing down and scampering into a nearby wooded area as police looked on, the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel reported.

A spokeswoman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission told the newspaper the bear had most likely spent the winter in the area's woods and had emerged because it was hungry. Officials urged residents to leave the bruin alone.

The same bear had last been seen in November rummaging through trash in Orlando's College Park neighborhood. Wildlife officials had tried unsuccessfully to lure it into a trap baited with glazed doughnuts.

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Men driving to 48 U.S. states in 5 days

SALT LAKE CITY (UPI) -- Three men are on what they call a "Great American Road Trip," trying to drive through the lower 48 U.S. states in just over five days stopping only for gas.

North Salt Lake, Utah, residents Joshua Keeler, Joey Stocking and Adam Gatherum left from Vermont Sunday to begin their mega road trip, the Star Tribune reported Monday.

The Minneapolis newspaper reported the three men, ages 20-25, had made it to Alabama, their 17th state, by Monday morning.

"This route has been checked and rechecked for shorter possibilities and triple checked to be sure that all 48 states are included," Keeler wrote on greatamericanroadtrip.us.

The adventurers are tooling about 7,500 miles across the country in a 2005 Toyota Scion xB because "it is roomy and gets good gas mileage," Keeler wrote.

The men said they are going to use the help of a global positioning system and AAA maps to make sure they don't get lost along the way.

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God’s Kids

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating Heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve... We got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did Not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

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Air Miles

In the line-up at the store, I overheard the checker ask the lady in
front of me if she had an air miles card. "Oh, yes," she said. "I
have enough air miles to get to Dallas, where my son lives."

"That's wonderful," said the cashier.

"My son doesn't think so," the lady replied. "I don't have enough to get back."

hUMOR For May 20th

"Fair Tax"

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.

There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.

"I know," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

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CleanQuote

"Hurt people hurt people."

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Illustration - "A Long Walk"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

In a remote village in Central America the word got out among the peoples of the region that one of the American missionaries that had served this country for many years was about to return to the US to live our the remaining years of her life.

The nationals desired to honor her for her years of service with a public time of appreciation. News of the event went to all parts of the country in which the missionary was known to the people. One very old and very poor man walked to the ceremony over mountainous terrain for 4 days to bring his gift to the missionary.

The gift consisted of 2 coconuts, but it was all the man had. The missionary recognized the man as coming from the remote village in the mountains.

"Brother, I cannot believe that you would walk so far to present me with this gift," said the missionary to the man.

His response? "Long walk part of gift."
- Author Unknown

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Little Secrets

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

This seemed to be a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.

"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. She thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband awoke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed. This, of course, woke his bride who without thinking, immediately asked, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

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Remote Starters

Six of us at the office decided we wanted to install remote starters
on our cars and thought we'd get a better deal if we went to the same
garage. We shopped around and found a place that would do all our
cars at the same time, and we went on a weekend to have it done.

At the end of the day on the following Monday, Allan aimed his remote
and pressed the button. His car flashed its lights and started - then
we noticed Mike's car had started, then Rob's and Dave's, finally two others.

The installers had given all our remotes the same frequency.

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Little Vernie’s Tampax Protection
Looking after little brother's best interests...

Little Johnny and his brother walk into a pharmacy. They pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

Tampax Protection
Looking after little brother's best interests...


Little Danny and his brother walk into a pharmacy. They pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asks Little Danny, Son, how old are you?

Eight, Little Danny replies.

The man continues, Do you know what these are used for?

Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one.

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Is That God's Boy Over There?
Redneck crutches come in different sizes...

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.

The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God's boy over there?”
The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “On my bill.”

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability.”

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Mother's Advice

The new bride went crying to her mother. "Momma, I can't get

my husband to do anything. I want him to fix up the house,

and he keeps putting it off."

"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your

father for twenty-six years, I've found the only way to get

him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

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"Roger Clemens continues to deny he has ever used steroids or

human growth hormone. But this weekend he placed third in the

Kentucky Derby." -Jay Leno

***

Tom Cruise was on Oprah Winfrey. Last time Tom was jumping up

and down on her couch. He was excited about being in love.

This time he wasn't jumping up and down. He has been married

a couple of years." -David Letterman

***

"On Long Island, a Dunkin' Donuts employee has been arrested

because he placed a hidden camera in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom.

As punishment, he's been sentenced to five years in a Taco

Bell bathroom." -Conan O'Brien

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England's West Country is known for its charming cottage-

like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in

through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting-

looking books. So she went inside.

A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can

I help you?"

"No, just browsing," said my friend.

"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most

people knock before entering someone's home."

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Joe says to Bill, "Want to see a picture of my Aunt?"

"Sure."

So Joe takes out a picture.

"What are you talking about?" Bill says, "That's not your

aunt! That's a picture of a fish!"

Joe responds, "Well, sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!"

hUMOR For May 19th

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blonde kept their ClearwaterBeach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?'

Barbie slipped over the side and, finding the water only knee deep, said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they row a little farther....

Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now?

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, '

No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'
'

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'

'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'

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Weird News

10 million bees take over home

MARTINEZ, Ga. (UPI) -- A Martinez, Ga., woman says her home has been swarmed by as many as 10 million bees.

Theresa Manning said she phoned a bee removal expert after she saw the insects flying into her attic and heard scratching coming from behind her walls, WSB-TV, Atlanta, reported.

Bee wrangler Jason Rehr said he expected to find multiple hives in the attic, but instead found the bees had turned the structure into a giant hive with honeycombs on the ceiling and walls.

"This is the mamma-jamma here, this is the biggest one I've ever seen," Rehr said.

He said he plans to move the bees several miles away from the house to hives that have been prepared.

///

Police: Man took naked stroll

READING, Pa. (UPI) -- A Reading, Pa., man accused of walking naked for three miles along a bypass has been charged with indecent exposure and other violations, police said.

John Messerly, 38, allegedly walked naked for three miles of the West Shore Bypass after he climbed onto the roof of a van he was driving and was thrown when the vehicle crashed into a guide rail, the Reading Eagle reported.

Police said Messerly, who received emergency surgery for a severe cut to his abdomen, was found to have cocaine in his system.

He has been charged with indecent exposure, risking a catastrophe, open lewdness, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct, driving while intoxicated, public drunkenness and various traffic violations.

Messerly was being held without bail at the Berks County Prison on parole violation allegations in a separate case.

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Man allegedly posed as sheriff's deputy

REIDSVILLE, N.C. (UPI) -- Rockingham County, N.C., authorities said a man was arrested after he posed as a sheriff's deputy while dealing with a store clerk who was an off-duty deputy.

The Rockingham County Sheriff's Office alleged Kevin Michael Taylor, 31, asked for a law enforcement discount from a clerk at an AutoZone store, the News and Record newspaper in Greensboro, N.C., reported.

Taylor allegedly showed the clerk a Rockingham Community College identification card from a Basic Law Enforcement Training course and claimed to work in the patrol division of the Rockingham County Sheriff's Office.

However, the clerk was an off-duty sheriff's deputy and knew the man was lying, the sheriff's office said.

Taylor, who was charged with impersonating a law enforcement officer, was released on $5,000 bond. He is scheduled to appear in court May 15.

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Motorcyclist exceeds 120 mph

LEADBURN, Scotland (UPI) -- Scottish police said a motorcyclist pulled over during a recent crackdown on road offenders was traveling faster than 120 mph.

Officers said the motorcycle's speed was one of the fastest police have recorded in the Leadburn area in recent years, The Scotsman reported.

Lothian and Borders Police said more than 260 motorists were cited for violations during the April 21-28 crackdown. They said traveling without a seat belt was the most common violation, with 176 cited for the violation. An additional 87 people were cited for speeding.

"While it is disappointing that some motorists still behave in an irresponsible way, the majority of people are well aware of the law, and act accordingly," said Superintendent Alan Duncan, of Lothian and Borders Police's road policing unit. "The force is determined to keep reducing the number of casualties on our roads, and initiatives like these demonstrate our commitment making our roads safer for everyone."

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Busy Mom

My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on

the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting

this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"

My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath

it she taped her reply: "No -- Door! Trust me. I went to

college."

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"Tom Cruise was on 'Oprah.' They did one of those segments

where Oprah goes to Tom's home. Talk about awkward. When

Tom answered the door, Oprah said, 'Is your daddy home?'"

-Dave Letterman

***

"Iron Man opened this weekend, starring Robert Downey Jr. I

don't know who Iron Man fights...wrinkled linen I suppose."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"Yesterday was the five-year anniversary of President Bush's

speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. To

celebrate, President Bush gave a speech in front of a banner

that said, 'Economic Recession Over.'" -Conan O'Brien

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My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over

into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old

Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room

to be sure she had tidied it up.

"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.

No Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."

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Why can't a woman ask for help from her brother?

He can't be a brother and assist her, too.

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Food Chain

After discussing the "food chain" with my fifth grade class, I told
them their weekend homework was to write a sentence showing they
understood the meaning of the term.

On Monday morning, one student handed this in: "Burger King is my
favorite food chain."

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German at McDonalds

A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: "They don't serve BEER here, you moron!", to which the German replied in astonishment, "You mean you're here for the food?"

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Bad Hamlet

A third rate actor is botching Hamlet mercilessly. By the time he gets to the famous "To be or not to Be" soliloquy, the crowd is abusive. They're screaming at him, throwing chairs, fruit, whatever.

So at "slings and arrows" he stops, faces the crowd and yells. "What are you blaming me for? I didn't write this junk!"

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Hugs

So this computer scientist is like a real uptight guy, uncomfortable in his own skin.

He has a hard time relating to people, you know the type, right?

So he's in a bookstore, sees a book called "How to Hug", so he thinks, "Yes, this could really help me."

So he buys it, takes it home, starts to read it, and darned if isn't volume eight of an encyclopedia!

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Young Mothers

An eight year girl is trying to check out a book entitled "Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library.

Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?

Little girl: I collect moths.

hUMOR For May 18th

Mother's Helper

Little Susan was her mother's helper. She helped set the

table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything

was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then

Mother noticed something was missing.

"Susan," she said, "you didn't put a knife and fork at Mr.

Smith's place."

"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy

says he always eats like a horse!"

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"President Bush announced the rebate checks for at least $600. ... I'm going to use my check to buy enough gas to drive to the bank and cash it. And then maybe back. The rebates were pushed through by the president to help get the economy going. It's kind of like when the mom of the kid nobody likes bakes everyone cupcakes so you can pretend to like him until the cupcakes are gone, and then you go back to giving him wedgies." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow I go to Washington D.C. to perform at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It's thrown by the press corps for the president and his staff. Everyone who works for the president will be there. Dick Cheney will be there; Condoleezza Rice will be there; Fox News will be there." --Craig Ferguson

"And Barack Obama is suffering from a bad headache today. His former pastor, Reverend Wright, is back out there. Reverend Wright gave an interview earlier tonight on PBS with Bill Moyers, and he said he's gotten over a million emails and phone calls telling him to keep on speaking out, and every one of them came from Hillary Clinton. It was amazing." --Jay Leno

"I like John McCain. Do you like John McCain? He looks like the guy that forgets to roll up his windows at the car wash. ... He looks like the guy who yells 'Okay, who touched the darkness control on the toaster?'" --David Letterman

"Big day at the White House today. I've got to mention this. Today, at the White House, President Bush was busy. President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment when, during the ceremony, Bush said, 'This is a great day for all Malarians.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, campaigning in Indiana today, Hillary Clinton, once again, up to her old tricks. She told the crowd that she's a lifelong Colts fan, and recalled that when she was a little girl, her father taught her how to drive an Indy car. 'I remember racing around at the track.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush says that the $300 rebate we've been promised, the rebate checks from the government, will finally be mailed out on Monday. It's nice. Good news, yeah. Then Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. You're right, that was more sad than funny. Ha ha ha. We're screwed" --Conan O'Brien

"And of course, the really good news for liberals, Hillary Clinton won Pennsylvania! I remember when she used to be the big liberal. I guess things have changed. But she did, come on, you've gotta give it up for Hillary. She won it, again. I know, it's pesky. She keeps winning. She won in Pennsylvania, and the next day, she raised 10 million dollars. That's a lot of lolly. And her supporters said they would have donated that money sooner, but there was a purse at Nordstrom they just had to have." --Bill Maher

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Differences

Whats the difference between an elephant and a flea?

A elephant can have fleas but fleas can't have elephants

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I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress

are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.

Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

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Jigsaw Puzzle

Cletus called his friend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

His friend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

Cletus responded, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

His friend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. He let him in and showed him where he had the puzzle spread all over the table. His friend studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to Cletus and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of coffee. Finally...

"Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."

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NCAA Basketball Players

How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he gets money, a car, and three college credit hours for it!

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Weird News

Man breaks postal rules by reusing old box

CASTLE ROCK, Colo. (UPI) -- A Colorado man says the U.S. Postal Service accused him of breaking its rules when he tried reusing a priority cardboard box to ship an item.

The Postal Service said Gary Adler went against regulations when he tried to reuse a box that was on its way to the garbage, KMGH-TV in Denver reported Wednesday.

"We recycle old boxes that we get at the grocery store or other merchants and dumpster dive sometimes," said Adler, who ships sports items from his non-profit organization known as the Pro-Players Association.

Adler claims he turned the box inside out and removed the previously used label.

"Our priority mail and express mail boxes are bottom line supposed to be used for that service. It is important that the customer uses it for the proper service," said Nicole Reiter of the Postal Service.

Alder said he plans to stop using the U.S. Postal Service as a result of the recycling mix-up.

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Boy Scout gets pizza for turning in $800

ALLEGAN, Mich. (UPI) -- The mother of a Michigan Boy Scout says she is proud of her son, whose honesty in turning in $800 won him a pizza party from state police.

John Robert Bouterse, 11, was honored this week for handing over a wallet full of cash lost by Wayland, Mich., resident Jessica Cutler, 20, some six months ago, the Grand Rapids (Mich.) Press reported Wednesday.

"I knew exactly how she felt," the scout said.

Cutler, a manager at Burger King, said she was saving up the cash to buy an aquarium when she lost her wallet leaving a church in Dorr Township, Mich.

Bouterse said he was leaving a Boy Scout gathering at the church less than two weeks ago when he came across the wallet in a pile of snow.

"We're just so proud of him," the boy's mother Michelle Bouterse, 41, said.

In honor of the 11-year-old's honesty, state police Monday reportedly held a pizza party for his entire 30-member Boy Scout troop.

///

Store gives out carpets walked on by pope

FLEMINGTON , N.J. (UPI) -- A New Jersey store owner says he is giving away sections of carpet walked on by Pope Benedict XVI during his visit to New York's Yankee Stadium.

Ted Resnick, Flemington Department Store owner, supplied 20,000 square feet of carpet used for the pope's April 20 mass at Yankee Stadium and his April 19 trip to St. Joseph's Seminary in Yonkers, N.Y., Newhouse News Service reported.

Resnick said people from across the nation are asking for pieces of the carpet.

"There was one woman who wanted a piece for her son to kneel on when he got married," he said.

Part of the reason people are eager to get their hands on the carpet is that a papal visit to the United States is a rarity. Benedict's trip marked only the third such visit in history.

///

'Tacky Prom' brings teens to church

ST. CHARLES, Mo. (UPI) -- A St. Charles, Mo., church said its Tacky Prom event, which drew teenagers dressed in their least-fashionable clothes, was a rousing success.

Sean Kahlich, minister of students at the church, said the party was planned both as an outreach effort for community's youth and as a stress-free event to help teenagers relax as the school year winds down, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported Wednesday.

"It's getting costumed up and acting stupid with a purpose," Kahlich said. "It's prom season, and a lot of drama goes on at prom. People are breaking up or trying to shack up. They're stressing about money. This is the complete antithesis."

Teens who attended the Tacky Prom, which encouraged participants to check their closets and thrift stores for the most hideous attire imaginable, said the dance was far less stressful than their actual proms.

"I just like the fact that it's not taken too seriously," said Brad Haberstroh, 17. "Your dance moves aren't criticized. You don't have to look good. Here if you come looking good, you look bad."

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Playing The Odds

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

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Revelations: The End is Near

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Detroit Lakes Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground that said: "DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE " As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, " Leave us alone, you religious nuts! "

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, " Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'? "

hUMOR For May 17th

Ten signs you're an Internet geek

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

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Vegetables

A single friend of mine probably won't make a great mother.

She was visiting with a friend and her friend's baby when

the friend had to use the restroom.

Being left to watch the infant for a bit, the single friend

asked, "What'll I do if he cries?"

"Feed him some vegetables," the mother called back.

It turns out that jalapeno isn't the baby's favorite.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Don't Underestimate First Graders

st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders,

Six-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.

2. Strike while the bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but How?

6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

7. No news is impossible

8. A miss is as good as a Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.

13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.

15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is not much.

17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you

24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Car Accident

One day, while Maynard was out driving his car, he ran into a truck. The truck's driver made him pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

The truck driver took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told Maynard to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, the truck driver went over to Maynard's car and slashed the tires.

Maynard started laughing.

This made the truck driver angrier so he smashed Maynard's windshield.

This time Maynard laughed even harder.

Livid, the truck driver broke all Maynard's windows and keyed his car.

Maynard was now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks him what's so funny.

Maynard giggled and replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Lost an Ear

There where two men in a bulding site. One of them said, "Can you help me find my ear"

The other man said, "Is this it"

The first man replied, "No, mine has got a pencil behind it"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Strudel

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"

"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Tenure

The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain any more so it eats it.

It's rather like getting tenure.

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"Earlier today, Chinese officials held a ceremony to an-

nounce that it's exactly 100 days until the summer Olympics

and they're working hard to clean up Beijing's pollution.

Unfortunately, they had to cut the ceremony short — because

the air caught on fire." -Conan O'Brien

***

"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman

with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's

willing to make a decision she'll regret in the future."

--Richard Jeni

***

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,

and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."

--Joseph Heller

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

** Top Ten Signs it's Monday **

10. Yesterday was Tuesday and tomorrow is Sunday... at least

that is what you are thinking.

9. The President looks hungover as he issues his weekly apology

to the nation.

8. Another knee-slapping cartoon of that darn Garfield saying

"I hate Monday!"

7. You're happy to go to work in order to get some rest.

6. In your current opinion five days is a long time.

5. You break down into a sobbing mess on the floor because

there was no coffee left in the pot when you got to work.

4. You are half way to work before you realize you have been

listening to "Rev. Carl's Bible Hour" on your car radio.

3. You've already planned several thousand ways to avoid

actually doing work until Friday.

2. Husband begins warming up TV for Monday Night Football at

6 A.M. and carefully positioning snacks at strategic locations

around the living room.

1. The solid rain for the past two days has stopped, leaving

a beautiful, sunny day

huMOR For May 16th

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's

ability to use language that makes him the dominant species

on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other

thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of

vacuum cleaners." —-Jeff Stilson

***

"What really concerns me about these new "smart" appliances

is that even if we like the features, we won't be able to

use them. I don't know how to operate my TV, which requires

THREE remote controls. One control (44 buttons) came with

the TV; a second (39 buttons) came with the VCR; the third

(37 buttons) was brought here by the cable-TV man, who ap-

parently felt that I did not have enough buttons. So when

I want to watch TV, I'm confronted with a total of 120

buttons, identified by such helpful labels as PIP, MTS,

DBS, F2, JUMP and BLANK." -Dave Barry

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Everybody's a comedian. I called my local home improvement

store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the Sheetrock

is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the

phone, "but how do I find the studs?"

"Put an ad in the personals column." he suggested.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A blonde is on board a small two- seater plane when suddenly

the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the

radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.

Ground control receives her call for help and answers back:

"Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say.

First, I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly and Minnesota jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember, is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember, is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball l cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember, is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: 'STORM WATCH.'

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal? ???

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Former Co-worker?

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist
often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA
hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So,
tell me, is the food still as bad as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking there."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Double Decker Bus

There's a double decker bus driving down the street full of passengers. On the lower level of the bus, everyone's having a good time, talking, laughing, and singing along to the music playing.

On the upper part of the bus, Maynard is in a panic. He's screaming, terrified, and holding onto others as the bus moves along the street.

Finally, someone gets up and walks to the top of the bus to ask what's wrong. Maynard replies, "What's wrong? Well, you'd be screaming too if you didn't have a driver!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Sixes and Sevens

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because, already, seven ate nine (7, 8, 9)!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Churchill's Nap

A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking.

She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?"

Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Yuma Puma

There once was a man from Yuma,

Who told an elephant joke to a puma,

Now his body lies,

Under the hot desert skies,

For the puma had no sense of huma.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I love this Doctor.

Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're perm eated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!!!'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5 The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.